LOK: MULTIVERSE CROSSOVER
by azgbchdfjlvhmnsshwawprytthking
Summary: Kain kills eveyone in his dimension including the Elder God and his universe begins unraveling while Gabriel Yulaw shows up and the two of them are instant friends and start traveling the multiverse together!
1. Prolog

multi-verse cross over cast

Gabriel YuLaw The One

Kain Legacy of Kain

Naruto

Inuyasha

Bleach

Fullmetal Alchemist

Dragonballz

Digimon

Harry Potter

Twilight

Lord of the Rings

Percy Jackson & the Olympians

Avatar the last Airbender

Teen TItans

Beast Wars

X-men

SSB

Kingdom Hearts

Final Fantasy

Mass Effect

Halo

Devil May Cry

Resident Evil

Infamous

Prototype

Transformers

Avengers

Star Trek

Jak & Daxter

Warcraft

Starcraft

Spyro

Metal Gear

Half-life

Doom

Dead Space

Dead Rising

Resident Evil

Buffy

House

Heroes

Firefly

Supernatural

Star Wars

DC comics

God of War

Uncharted

Darksiders

Prince of Persia

Grand Theft Auto

28 days later

Danny Phantom

South Park

multi-verse cross over cast

Gabriel YuLaw The One

Kain, Raziel, Dumah, Melchiah, Turel, Zephon, Rahab, Janos Audron, Vorador, Magnus, Umah Legacy of Kain

Naruto Naruto Uzumaki, Sasuke Uchiha, Sakura Haruno, Kakashi Hatake

Inuyasha Inuyasha, Kagome, Miroku, Sango, Kirara, Shipo, Naruku Kagura, Kanna, Sesshomaru, Kikyo, Koga, Menomaru,

Bleach Ichigo Kurosaki, Rukia Kuchiki, Orihime Inoue, Yasutora "Chad" Sado, Uryu Ishida

Fullmetal Alchemist Edward and Alphonse Elric Roy Mustang Dante

Dragonballz Goku, Krillin, Yamcha, Tien, Roshi, Gohan, Vegeta, Frieza, Cell

Digimon Tai Kamiya Agumon Matt and Gabumon Sora and Biyomon Izzy and Tentomon Mimi Tachikawa Palmon Joe and Gomamon TK and Patamon Kari Kamiya Gatomon Ken and Wormmon Davis and VeemonYolei and Hawkmon Cody and Armadillomon

Harry Potter Harry, Ron, Hermine, Malfoy, Voldemort

Twilight Bella, Edward, Jacob, Volturi

Lord of the Rings Sauron

Percy Jackson & the Olympians

Avatar the last Airbender Aang, Katara, Souka, Toph, Zuko, Mai, Ty Lee, Azula Firelord

Teen TItans Robin, Cyborg, Beast Boy, Starfire, Raven, Terra

Beast Wars Terrasaur, Scorpinoc, Tarantuals, Black Archidna, Optimus Primal, Rhinox, Rattrap, Dinobot, Cheetor, Tigatron, Airazor, Silverbolt, Depthcharge, Megatron, Waspinator, Inferno, Rampage

X-men Professor X, Cyclops, Iceman, Angel, Beast, Jean Grey, Nightcrawler, Wolverine, Storm, Rogue, Gambit

SSB Mario, Kirby, Pit, Rob,

Kingdom Hearts Sora, Riku, Kairi, Ansem, Maleficent

Final Fantasy Tidus, Yuna, Auron, Wakka, Lulu, Rikku, Kimari, Cloud, Squall, Sephiroth

Mass Effect Commander Shepard, Wrex, Garrus, Ashley, Liara,

Halo Master Chief, Cortona, Spartans, ODST, Arbiter, Srg. Johnson

Devil May Cry Dante, Lady, Nero, Virgil

Infamous Cole McGraf, Zeke

Prototype Alex Mercer, James Heller

Transformers Megatron, Starscream, Blackout, Iron Hide, Bumblebee, Optimus Prime

Avengers Thor, Ironman, Hulk, Spiderman, Captain America, Deadpool, Blade, Ghostrider

Star Trek Captain Kirk, Captain Picard, Data, Spock, Worf.

Jak & Daxter Jak Daxter, Samos, Keira, Torn Ashelin

Warcraft Archimonde, Kil'jaeden, Mannoroth, Ner'zhul, Sargeras, Balnazzar, Magtheridon, Mal'Ganis, Tichondrius, Varimathras, Asgalor, Hakkar, Kazzak, Anetheron, Detheroc, Akama, Velen, Nobundo, Restalaan, Iridi, Ishanah, Vinidicator Maraad, Alextrasza, Malygos, Neltharion, Illidan, Cenarius,

Starcraft Terrain, Protoss, Zerg, Jim Raynor, Matt Horner, Tychus Findlay, Gabriel Tosh, Ariel Hanson, Ariel Hanson

Spyro Spyro Sparks

Metal Gear Solid Snake, Big Boss, Gray Fox, Pettrovich Madnar

Half-life Gordon Freeman, G-man, Adrain Shephard, Barney Calhoun, Dr. Rosenberg, Alyx Vance, Vortigaunts

Doom

Dead Space Isaac Clarke, Necromorphs

Dead Rising Frank West

Resident Evil Leon Scott Kennedy, Ashley Graham, Ada Wong, Chris Redfield, Sheva Alomar

Buffy Buffy Anne Summers, Xander, Willow, Angel, Oz, Cordelia, Rupert

House Dr. Gregory House, Dr. James Wilson, Dr. Lisa Cuddy, Dr. Eric Foreman, Dr. Robert Chase, Dr. Allison Cameron

Heroes Claire Bennet, Noah Bennet, Matt Parkman, Hiro Nakamura, Peter Petrelli, Nathan Petrelli, Sylar, Elle, Adam

Firefly Malcolm Reynolds, Zoe Washburne, Hoban "Wash" Washburne, Inara Serra, Jayne Cobb, Kaylee Frye, Dr. Simon Tam, River Tam, Derrial Book

Supernatural

Star Wars

DC comics Superman, Supergirl, Green Lantern, Batman, Wonderwoman, the Flash

God of War Kratos

Uncharted Drake

Darksiders War

Prince of Persia the prince

Grand Theft Auto Carl CJ Johnson

28 days later Rage virius

Danny Phantom

South Park Cartman, Kenny, Kyle, Stan

Gabriel YuLaw The One

Yulaw: I am Yulaw! I am nobody's bitch! You are mine.

Prison Warden: Yulaw, are you ready?

Yulaw: [looks at Warden] Are you?

Yulaw: Don't you people ever learn?

[after seeing Yulaw run past a squad car]

Police Officer: Holy shit! He's doin' fifty!

Yulaw: After this, there will be only one.

Yulaw: I don't need to know you. *You* only need to know *me*. I will be The One!

Yulaw: Just when I find something that I like in this universe.

Yulaw: There has never been anything greater than what I have become.

Yulaw: The floor? This is a hospital. The floor is full of germs. Want me to get sick?

Yulaw: I know, everything must be balanced. Blah-blah-blah-blah, the party line. What do you think would happen?

Yulaw: The Multiverse, every universe in it, is irrational, sloppy. I try to make it rational. I try to make it neat. You call it murder. How can I murder myself 123 times? I just took those wasted energies and transferred them to one container: me. What if that is our fate? To unite with ourselves, to be unified forever. To be one. I will be The One.

Yulaw: The shortest distance between two points will always be a straight line.

Yulaw: There hasn't been anything like what I have become.

Yulaw: [confronting Gabriel Law] The good news is you're not crazy. The bad news is...

[starts shooting at him]

Yulaw: Just so you know, I'm going to take that gun and kill you before you can pull the trigger. There's nothing you can do, except give it to me.

Yulaw: I just need to do it one more time.

Kain,

Kain: Vae Victus - suffering to the conquered. Ironic that now I was the one suffering. Not anything as pedestrian as physical pain. Rather the cruel jab of impotent anger - the hunger for revenge. I didn't care if I was in Heaven or Hell - all I wanted was to kill my assassins. Sometimes you get what you wish for. The Necromancer Mortanius offered me a chance for vengeance. And like a fool, I jumped at his offer without considering the cost. Nothing is free, not even revenge.

Kain: I am the last Pillar. The only survivor of the Circle of Nine. At my whim the world will be healed or damned. At my whim.

Kain: But I am dead . . .

[Kain lops off Moebius' head]

Kain: as are you!

Kain: I awoke to the pain of a new existence, in a dank womb of darkness and decay.

Kain: [describing his implosion spell] Of all the methods I employ, this is perhaps the cruelest, causing my victim's body to shrink on itself, crushing bones and rupturing organs 'til the pressure inside burst the sac of fleshy skin, spraying its contents for all to see.

Kain: Time fades even legend, and the origin of the Soul Reaver has been lost long ago. But its purpose remains - to feed on the souls of any creature it strikes. Kindred, this blade and I.

Kain: Once I embraced my gifts, I realized that Vorador was right; we are gods... dark gods and it is our duty to thin the herd.

Kain: The world had changed to my eyes. I had not expected such cruelty from the light. For in the embrace of the sun, I could find no comfort, only malice. This would change in time for the worse, along with other things.

Kain: I fear no dangers, do you hear? They will fear me.

Kain: Conscience...? You dare speak to me of conscience? Only when you have felt the full gravity of choice should you dare to question my judgment!

Kain: Destiny is a game, is it not? And now you await my latest move...

Kain: At last. I must say I'm disappointed in your progress. I imagined you'd be here sooner. Tell me, did it trouble you to murder your brothers?

Kain: No. I had faith in you. In your ability to hate, in your self-righteous indignation.

Kain: Eternity is relentless, Raziel. When I first stole into this chamber centuries ago, I did not fathom the true power of knowledge. To know the future, Raziel. To see its paths and streams tracing out into the infinite. As a man, I could never have contained such forbidden truths. But each of us is so much more than we once were. Gazing out across the plains of possibility, do you not feel with all your soul, how we have become like gods? And as such, are we not indivisible? As long as a single one of us stands, we are legion! That is why, when I must sacrifice my children to the void, I can do so with a clear heart.

Kain: These chambers are for insight for those *patient* enough to look. In your haste to find me, perhaps you have not gazed deeply enough. Our futures are predestined. Moebius foretold mine a millennium ago. We each play out the parts fate has written for us. We are compelled ineluctably down pre-ordained paths. Free will... is an illusion.

Kain: How could I not? One must keep his friends close, Raziel, and his enemies even closer. Can you grasp the absurd beauty of the paradox? We're the same, Sarafan and vampire, with our holy wars, our obsession with Nosgoth's domination. Who better to serve me than those whose passion transcends all notions of good and evil?

Kain: You may have uncovered your past, but you know nothing of it. You think the Sarafan were noble? Altruistic?

[chuckles]

Kain: I always was considered heartless.

Kain: Locked. What a love of doors these pathetic humans have...

Kain: Your words are heartening. For you would not fear us, unless we could truly do you harm.

Kain: False God! This is the end... the final turn of your Wheel!

Kain: Most ironic of all, was the last gift that Raziel had given me. More powerful than the sword that now held his soul, more acute even than the vision that his sacrifice had accorded me. The first, bitter taste of that terrible illusion: hope.

Additional Male Voices: Surrender, Fiend, and we will promise you an easy death!

Kain: I could promise you the same, but it would be a lie!

Kain: [talking about the Pillars] How strange to see this place long before my birth... centuries before the corruption set in that would poison the land and put me on the treachous path i still followed. In the future, these edifices would be condemned to darkness and decay. I would cause their fall and bulid my empire upon their ruins. Was it still possible that with the right knowledge, the right moves, i might one day see Nosgoth restored, the Pillars pure once more? My answer, according to Moebius, lay somewhere to the west of this place. I could restore the world, perhaps, but never again could i give Nosgoth back her innocence.

Kain: Listen to me, you must understand that every creature is bound to one predestined path. We are all shackled...

Kain: All but one. Because of your remaking, you are the one unbound creature, the one amoung us all that truely has free will. You have a choice, Raziel.

Kain: Given the choice, whether to rule a corrupt and failing empire; or to challenge the fates for another throw - a better throw - against one's destiny... what was a king to do? But does one even truly have a choice? One can only match, move by move, the machinations of fate... and thus defy the tyrannous stars.

Raziel,

Raziel: Such loyalty, to one who has you guarding this outpost like a chained dog. Tell me, do you prosper on the scraps he casts you?

Raziel: Kain killed me once, behold the results. I have no more to fear from you!

Raziel: I am your creation, Kain. Now, as before, you criticize your own work

Raziel: Damn you, Kain! You are not God! This act of genocide is unconscionable!

Raziel: I would choose integrity, Kain.

Raziel: Am I reduced to this? A ghoul? A fratricide?

Raziel: You are lost in a maze of moral relativism, Kain. These apparitions and portents... what game are you playing now?

Raziel: I knew my opponents' weaknesses, having suffered them myself. Physical wounds are fleeting - a vampire's immortal flesh begins to close as soon as it is cleaved. Vampires need only fear those wounds that impale, or inflame. Water scorches like acid, and fledglings are devastated by sunlight's touch... I would have to modify my tactics to suit my foes.

Raziel: A crevice in which to cower, only scuttling from the shadows to devour a victim already ensnared in your cowardly trap. But you've made the mistake of leaving me unbound, and it is *you* who must succumb to *my* will

Raziel: Seraphan, Rahab. The antithesis of all we ever believed.

Raziel: Even the strongest vampire is vulnerable.

Raziel: The descent had destroyed me... and yet, I lived.

Raziel: Did it trouble *you* when you ordered me into the abyss?

Raziel: Lies! You cannot have foreseen all of this.

Raziel: Very poetic, Kain. But in the end, you offer no more than a convenient rationalization for your crimes.

Raziel: I have been to the Tomb of Sarafan, Kain. Your dirty secret is exposed. How could you transform a Sarafan priest into a vampire?

Raziel: I will not applaud your clever blasphemy. The Sarafan were saviors, defending Nosgoth from the corruption that *we* represent. My eyes are opened, Kain. I find no nobility in the un-life you rudely forced on my unwilling corpse!

Raziel: Answer me *little* brother, or I shall beat an answer from your horrid lips!

Raziel: What madness is this? What pitiful form is this that have come to inhabit? Death would be a release next to this travesty!

Raziel: I would choose oblivion over this existence!

Raziel: I am destroyed!

Raziel: Kain is deified. The clans tell tales of him. Few know the truth. He was mortal once, as were we all. However, his contempt for humanity drove him to create me and my bretheren. I am Raziel, first born of his lieutenants. I stood with Kain and my bretheren at the dawn of the empire. I have served him a millennium. Over time, we became less human, and more... divine. Kain would enter the state of change and emerge with a new gift. Some years after the master, our evolution would follow, until I had the honor of surpassing my lord. For my transgression, I earned a new kind of reward...

[Kain tears the bones from Raziel's wings, and Raziel screams in pain]

Raziel: Agony! There was only one possible outcome. My eternal damnation. I, Raziel, was to suffer the fate of traitors and weaklings, to burn forever in the bowels of the Lake of the Dead.

Raziel: Tumbling, burning with white hot fire, I plunged into the depths of the abyss. Unspeakable pain, relentless agony, time ceased to exist. Only this torture and a deepening hatred of the hypocrisy that damned me to this hell. An eternity passed and my torment receded, bringing me back from the precipice of madness. The descent had destroyed me. Yet, I lived

Raziel: So its true... what Kain and Vorador told me. I am some kind of unholy vampire messiah

Raziel: I dont like that word... it smells of martyrdom.

Raziel: Are you so certain about that, Moebius?

Raziel: You two are a pair... you're just as fatalistic as he is.

Raziel: You said it yourself, Kain - there are only two sides to your coin.

Raziel: We agree then that the Pillars are crucial and must be restored.

Raziel: So after all this, you make my case for me. To end this stalemate, you must die so that new Guardians can be born.

Raziel: I really am some kind of unholy vampire messiah.

Raziel: As Melchiah and Zephon fell before my blade, I felt the Reaver's blood thirst as keenly as I ever had when I was still a vampire. I could sense the boundary between us dissolving. The Reaver was consumed with my rage and I was intoxicated by its bloodlust. The blade had a vitalizing effect on me. My physical energy no longer decayed over time and the wounds inflicted by my enemies healed almost instantly. The Reaver had made me invincible.

Raziel: You're a righteous fiend, aren't you?

Raziel: Apparently, I am.

Raziel: History abhors a paradox

Raziel: Your threats are unmoving. Even now I'm beyond your reach.

Raziel: [mockingly] As your agent, I am beyond death.

Raziel: I renounce you.

Raziel: Or maybe your just hungry. Could it be as simple as that? Wouldn't that be poetic irony? The greatest adversary to the vampires turns out to be the biggest parasite of them all.

Raziel: Ah, yes. I like that look on your face Moebius. You really don't know what to do now, do you old man? Here you are, caught with out your damned staff, and i suspect things aren't progressing as you'd hoped. You're not used to the fly turning to confront you in your web, are you?

Raziel: Come now, Moebius, you're a cunning serpent... you'll piece it together, i imagine.

Raziel: You kill him, if its so damned important!

Raziel: Why, you're trembling Moebius. Has your confidence abandoned you? You seem to have made a fatal error by leaving your precious staff behind. Is that where all your courage comes from?

Raziel: You talk as though we're allies

Raziel: Well, they're certainly trying to eliminate you, Kain, there can be no doubt of that. I am assaulted relentlessly with demands for your demise. As for me, I suspect they made a grave error when they allowed my unique resurrection. I don't think they know how to destroy me.

Raziel: And who exactly is this diabolical "they" to which we keep referring? If there's some grand conspiracy going on, the right hand doesn't appear to know what the left is doing. Even Moebius seems to be caught out at every turn.

Raziel: I have been dragged through hell and back, all it seems to reach this moment. But i don't yet know why?

Raziel: Mankind seems to only have brought you torment and grief. You must hate them.

Raziel: You knew i would lead the Sarafan to Janos, you vile bastard! You've been orchestating my every move!

Raziel: Ah, my ancient 'benefactor'... and i had dared to hope that we had parted ways forever. Your silence was refreshing, while it lasted. No doubt you have a conveniently inexpressible reason for your presence here?

Raziel: But perhaps not so omnipotent as you'd have me believe. Your hold on me appears to be tenuous. I no longer seem to need you, yet i'm guessing you still need me?

Raziel: I serve no one, not you, not Kain... and not your lackey Moebius!

Raziel: I have been many things. If you find me ignorant, enlighten me.

Raziel: I understand only this Kain, that you and Moebius have impelled me to this moment, simply means that i can trust neither of you. I don't know who's pulling the strings, bit it no longer matters, because i'm cutting them. I set my own course from here.

Kain: If only it were that simple.

Raziel: Your fatalism is tiresome, Kain.

Raziel: Humble words for one who presumes to teach me a lesson at every turn.

Raziel: Oh, i'm sick of hearing that particular phrase. As for saving Nosgoth, so far i see precious little reason to bother. And i'll choose my own 'purpose' from here on out, Time-Streamer. Right now, i choose to manipulate you, for a change.

Raziel: [to Moebius] I don't think this has anything to do with the Pillars or Kain's failure to sacrifice himself. I think you're afraid, because you don't know what he's up to! He's a wild card, isn't he, and you don't want his influence in your game. Which is why you wanted me to eliminate him. Now that he's survived, you have no idea what's coming, do you? Maybe for the first time in your entire life. You're terrified that he may truly have found a thrid option out of the dilemma you orchestrated for him

Raziel: Like the mercy you showed your fellow Guardians when you set Kain on them? Or the mercy you showed Kain when you kept him ignorant of his destiny while you used him as the Scourge of the Circle? Or perhaps like the mercy you showed your beloved Nupraptor when you made him Kain's first kill?

Raziel: Oh no. Every time you turn up something monumental and terrible happens. I don't think i have the stomach for it.

Raziel: You are persistent, crossing time like this to follow me. Still waiting for that coin of yours to land on its edge?

Raziel: And so it ends. My history comes full circle. Sensing its twin, the wraith blade uncoiled itself from me. And instead, wound lovingly around its former self. I felt its grip loosen. And as the blade left me, its absence chilled me more than its presence ever had. A foreboding sense of emptiness and loss stole over me. And a terrible revelation gathered like a storm at the edge of my awareness. With all other foes exhausted, the conjoined blades turned themselves on me! And I realized, finally, why I had sensed nothing when Janos offered me the blade. The Reaver was never forged to be a soul-stealing weapon. The ravenous, soul-devouring entity trapped in the blade was... and always had been... ME! This is why the blade was destroyed when Kain tried to strike me down. The Reaver could not devour its own soul. The paradox shattered the blade. So, this was my terrible destiny... to play out this purgatorial cycle for all eternity. I could not bear it. Despair overwhelmed me.

Raziel: There's some grim satisfaction in infuriating you.

Raziel: The two become one... both Soul Reavers... together... and the Scion of Balance is healed... And I am not your enemy... not your destroyer... I am, as before, your right hand...! Your sword...!

Raziel: And submission is not always as it seems

Raziel: I refuse to do your will!

Raziel: [narrating] I could not deny it. As long as I lingered here, defying my captor, I was able to postpone what I feared was my inevitable doom; to become the ravenous spirit imprisoned in the Reaver blade. But that sentence was no worse than the stalemate I now endured. Better to face one's destiny than cower from it.

Raziel: I know you well, Ariel, though you do not yet know me.

Raziel: All you have is time. I have come to seek your guidance.

Raziel: The banished race foretold a hero who would deliver them from their oppressors, and destroy the shackles of the Vampires' tyrannous God. The same hero that bore the flaming sword. What game was this, where every player on the board claimed the same pawn?

Raziel: Your pawn has reached the end of the board, Kain. And now my powers may even surpass yours. How ironic if the creature that you made should prove your own undoing. Now, we finish this.

Raziel: Vae Victis... woe to the conquered!

Raziel: Enough of your sermonizing! Are you trying to bore me into submission? Why must this game go on? We both know what you are. You're no better than the vampires you so despise, a voracious parasite cloaking its appetite in a shrod of righteousness! I refuse to do your will.

Raziel: You want this room cleared of its vermin?

Raziel: By choosing his own death? A sacrifice for the world? You don't know Kain very well.

Raziel: To the Wheel of Fate. Believe me, i know that even better than you do.

Raziel: Which i'm sure i must make at your direction. Your pawn has reached the end of the board, Kain!

Dumah,

Dumah: Not even Kain is my equal.

Dumah: We shall test your thesis, Raziel.

Melchiah,

Melchiah: Everyone is afraid, sibling. You awake to a world of fear. These times of change are so... unsettling. Do you think I feel no revulsion for this form? Do you believe for a moment that our Lord would risk his empire upon an upstart inheritance?

Melchiah: You are the last... to die...

Melchiah: The master is beyond your reach, Raziel. He makes himself known when He sees fit - not when commanded.

Turel,

Turel: No... No more questions... No more worship. Time to run, time to scream, time to die...

Zephon,

Will... instinct... reflex action... the insect mind finds little difference. I warn you, brother - as my stature has grown, so it is matched by my appetite... step forward, morsel!

Rahab,

Rahab: Does it matter? We were lost. He saved us.

Janos Audron

Janos: Raziel? My child, what have they done to you?

Janos: They fear what they don't understand; and despise what they fear. But no, i do not hate them.

Janos: The Pillars choose their Guardians from birth, Raziel and vampires are no longer born. This is the crux of our dilemma. And this is the terrible irony, with their vampire purge, the members of the Circle have assaulted the very architects of the Pillars they are sworn to protect. They have embarked on a treacherous path. With every vampire they kill, the humans are slitting their own throats

Vorador,

Vorador: Whelp! As if you knew what eternity was! Grovel before your true master.

Vorador: Take this ring. If you ever need assistance it will summon me. Despite your youthful arrogance, you amuse me, Kain - it would be such a pity to lose you to the Abyss.

Vorador: Meddling with the affairs of man can do us no good.

Vorador: Call your dogs! They can feast on your corpses!

Vorador: I distrust your origins, stranger, seeing you crawl from the putrid depths of Moebius' keep make me question your purpose here. And what should i make of your appearance human, clearly and more demon than vampire. And the Pillars? It is no mere coincidence that your arrival in that clearing heralded the Pillar's decay. And so i ask you plainly; are you the instrument of the Pillar's destruction or their salvation?

Magnus,

Umah

Legacy of Kain

Naruto

Naruto Uzumaki

Naruto Uzumaki: I'm not going to take back my words. That's my way of the ninja!

Naruto Uzumaki: Believe it!

Naruto Uzumaki: GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Naruto Uzumaki: [When Naruto falls for an obvious trap and is struggling about. Kakashi is telling him that a ninja must see through deception] I get it I get it!

Naruto Uzumaki: I won't forgive you!

[the Nine Tails chakra bursts out of him]

Naruto Uzumaki: I'll rip you apart!

Naruto Uzumaki: Everyone... everyone... has risked their lives to come after you!

, Sasuke Uchiha

Sasuke Uchiha: [clenches fist] WELL GET INTERESTED!

, Sakura Haruno,

Kakashi Hatake

Kakashi: [about Sasuke's new technique] You'll wet your pants.

Inuyasha

Inuyasha,

Inuyasha: And I'm saying you have to be. 'Cuz there's no other way you could smell so...

[sniffs in her direction]

Inuyasha: You're not her.

Inuyasha: You're right. Kikyo was cuter. Much cuter.

Inuyasha: Wait, Stupid

Inuyasha: Will you just wait, and hear me out?

Inuyasha: Will you WATCH where you're aiming that thing?

Inuyasha: Watch the hair!

Inuyasha: You're obviously imagining things.

Inuyasha: Can we lose some of the violence?

Inuyasha: You're the one acting like a lunatic!

Inuyasha: What is it?

Inuyasha: Huh?

Inuyasha: Women.

Inuyasha: Hey! Whaddya mean?

Inuyasha: Huh! If Miroku stops acting like a lecher, what's left of him?

Inuyasha: Don't you faint on me, you stupid girl.

Kagome: Listen, it's fair to say you don't like me, right?

Inuyasha: Way more than fair.

Inuyasha: [Jumps to his feet in the tree and points at her] Ha! I knew it! What you don't get is that I'm only after the jewel! Your just trying to lure me into a false sense of security!

Inuyasha: Oh man.

InuYasha: [Stands between Miroku and Kagome and separates them] Hey get your hands off her.

Inuyasha: I'm not in love with her. She's just a... a jewel detector. That's right.

Inuyasha: You wouldn't dare betray me.

Inuyasha: I told you to get your hands off her.

Inuyasha: Are you crazy? You could have gotten yourself killed.

Inuyasha: That was her idea. She chose to go home. I never forced her. She said

[imitating Kagome]

Inuyasha: "I'm going home, stupid."

Inuyasha: Huh, what?

Inuyasha: [falls over] I'm a demon, not a comedian!

Inuyasha: Shippou, your village just called. They said they were looking for their idiot.

Inuyasha: OW!

InuYasha: Somehow, without my ever noticing it, it felt so natural, having Kagome near.

Inuyasha: I can't save you. I can't do anything to help you, except stay like this. If only I could stop time.

Inuyasha: Hey! Don't do this to me! What do you mean 'the whole thing'? Wait Kagome, What was I doing when you saw me? Wait! Tell me Kagome!

Inuyasha: But we're not lovers! And without love the whole argument kinda falls apart!

Inuyasha: What are you waiting for? Hurry up and shoot it!

Inuyasha: Yeah, well. If ya weren't so weird lookin, ya wouldn't even need it.

Inuyasha: [turns his back on her] Don't get excited. I still think you're pretty useless.

Inuyasha: Le-leave me alone!

Inuyasha: Uhh...

Young Inuyasha: Mother, what's a half-breed?

[His mother starts to cry]

Inuyasha: [voiceover] That's right, I remember. My mother, she was crying, crying for me. She knew what it meant. What my life would be like.

[the memory ends and Inuyasha growls at Sesshoumaru]

Inuyasha: Half breed or full breed, to me it don't matter. But when you insult my mother, that's when I get angry. For her sake then if for nothing else... I'm gonna make you pay!

Inuyasha: I'm gonna slit your stomach, take out your guts and put 'em in a bowl!

Inuyasha: [to Kagome, angry at her for saying she believes in him] You are nuts! This sword is good for nothing! Me, I'll live, I'm half demon. You though, you ain't got a chance.

Inuyasha: No! You should shut up and let me protect you!

Inuyasha: Huh? Ka... gome?

Inuyasha: [grins at the boy] In the flesh kid. Now, whats this problem you need help with?

Inuyasha: Lucky for you, cause in my world, there are plenty of monstars that would just love to have you for lunch.

Inuyasha: [Inuyasha pulls Kagome into a hug] I was afraid. I thought I was going to lose you. I was terrified.

Inuyasha: [thinking about Kagome] As long as she's alive and well, that's all I hope for. I can't bear to see another woman die.

Inuyasha: [growls] If you ever do anything like that again I'll rip your stupid arms off.

Inuyasha: [In his human form] But still, your eyes were all sparkly and stuff! You know you get a little too friendly when that guy's around, Kagome!

Inuyasha: [thinking to himself] Everyone is *crazy* around here!

Inuyasha: If only you could fight as fast as you can talk - then we'd get somewhere.

Inuyasha: Blah, blah, blah. A guy gets his hands on a new sword, and already he's lookin' for a soap box to stand on and preach it to the world!

Inuyasha: Then make it short.

Kagome,

Kagome: I know. My name is Kagome. Ka-Go-Me.

Kagome: What do you care? I'm going home. Goodbye, Inuyasha

Kagome: Sit, Boy.

Kagome: [With a bow and arrow ready to fire] Not as pretty as his, huh? What would you know about it? You live in a time where they don't even have SHAMPOO.

Kagome: Oh yeah? Well, this human's gonna kick your...

Kagome: Come on. Don't you feel the least bit sorry for Kikyo? Her grave was violated. I know you were betrayed by her but that was a long time ago. It's been at least 50 years since she passed away.

Kagome: Mind explaining to me why you haven't been able to look me straight in the eye since yesterday?

Kagome: Whoa whoa whoa hold the phone!

Kagome: [thinking] Ok now i am officially freaked. What's going on! He almost kissed me!

Kagome: HUH?

Kagome: I don't belong to ANYONE! Get your hands off me!

Kagome: You are so totally dense when it comes to women.

Kagome: I don't care how much you love a person, you'll definitely fall out of love if they're insensitive all the time.

Kagome: Oh really? That's funny, considering all I have to do to make you obey is say the word 'sit'

Kagome: Whoops, sorry about that.

Kagome: I wouldn't have done it if I wasn't sure. I mean, he couldn't be that bad. Let's give him a chance, hear him out.

Kagome: I want you to be happy. I want you to laugh a lot. I don't know what exactly I'll be able to do for you, but I'll always be by your side.

Kagome: Inuyasha, look what you've done! You've hurt his feelings!

Kagome: Yup! The whole thing from start to finish. So I would appreciate it if you left me alone for a bit.

Kagome: No chance.

Kagome: Back in the other room? Because, I thought I was going to lose you. I thought you were going to... die.

Kagome: Okay, that's it. you made a point of telling me before than you couldn't stand my scent.

Kagome: [after Miroku observes that Inuyasha isn't such a bad guy] Miroku is right. Inuyasha could have killed the artist, and ended the trouble in one blow. But instead, he spared the man's life and went straight for the ink pot. Yeah, I guess Inuyasha's all right. He just doesn't know it yet. I might tell him, someday, if the time is ever right.

Kagome: [slaps Myoga the flea] Do I *look* like a blood bank?

Miroku,

Miroku: You'll have my children? Ten babies, or maybe even twenty?

Miroku: [stunned] Huh? Uh... heh heh...

Miroku: No need to apologize, Sango. Besides, I'm as much to blame. Kagome informed me that my bad habit of flirting with women was the cause of all this. I'm really sorry, Sango.

Miroku: Sango... I want you to hear my feelings. You don't need to say anything, just please, hear me out.

Miroku: You're not like the others, Sango. You're a very special woman to me.

Miroku: Somehow it's different with us. You see, Sango, I've never had such strong feelings for a woman as I do for you.

Miroku: Except... there's one problem. I feel as if I cannot love you as an ordinary woman.

[Sango stares blankly ahead, shocked. The others are still eavesdropping] \

Miroku: I'm just getting started. If this battle with Naraku ever comes to an end, and the curse of my wind tunnel is broken... if I make it out alive... If we made it that far, would you come live with me... would you bear my children, Sango?

Miroku: So, Sango. Mind if I sit with you?

Miroku: I really don't want to see you suffering on your own. Tell me, is there anything I can do to help comfort you?

Miroku: And don't worry, Sango, I won't stroke your bottom.

Miroku: I am a solitary man, enjoying my own company.

Miroku: Then I ask you for a favor. I would like you to bear me a son. If for some reason, I don't survive, I want him to carry on the family legacy.

Miroku: Well, you could learn to be more gentle.

Miroku: Pain is nothing. It is death that concerns me.

Miroku: Life itself is a frightening image for every human being... being strong in life isn't easy.

Miroku: Please do not fear, we shall exterminate the youkai for you.

Miroku: We ask for nothing in return, except for a place to stay, some food, and women.

Miroku: It was a joke. How about just the women?

Miroku: So she has left us once again. Inuyasha, Kagome was not acting her usual self. Exactly what happened between you and Kikyo?

Miroku: Ah! Ghastly! You mean you did *that* right in front of Kagome?

Miroku: Aah... Nothing!

[to himself]

Miroku: Resist all temptation...

Miroku: You don't know who you're dealing with. What meaning does my life have without the woman I deeply care for? I would sacrifice my life for hers!

Miroku: WIND TUNNEL!

Sango,

Sango: Yes! Miroku... does this mean you'll stop womanizing?

Sango: [briefly pausing on each word] You. Will. Stop. Flirting... Right?

Sango: You... don't have to apologize. I was careless, that's all! You didn't have anything to do with it.

Sango: Hm?

Sango: [blushing, surprised] Uh...

Sango: We said it all, right? I'm going.

Sango: [thinking about Kohaku] What will I do if Kohaku's committed even MORE crimes by the next time I see him? Can I save Kohaku?

Sango: Just stay here, sit beside me.

Sango: [crying] NO! If you can't go on... then we'll die here together!

Kirara,

Shipo,

Naruku

Kagura,

Kanna,

Sesshomaru,

Kikyo,

Koga,

Menomaru,

Bleach

Ichigo Kurosaki,

Ichigo Kurosaki: Eh-eah.

[wipes away blood]

Ichigo Kurosaki: Hm?...

Ichigo Kurosaki: Why don't you just shut your trap! Alright? I got blood in my eyes! So I just stopped to wipe it away!

Ichigo Kurosaki: [puzzled] Mm!

Ichigo Kurosaki: Huh! Ain't gonna happen...

Rukia Kuchiki,

Orihime Inoue,

Yasutora "Chad" Sado,

Uryu Ishida

Fullmetal Alchemist

Edward Elric

Alphonse Elric

Roy Mustang

Dante

Dragonballz

Goku,

Krillin,

Yamcha,

Tien,

Roshi,

Gohan,

Vegeta,

Frieza,

Cell

Digimon

Tai Kamiya Agumon

Matt and Gabumon

Sora and Biyomon

Izzy and Tentomon

Mimi Tachikawa Palmon

Joe and Gomamon

TK and Patamon

Kari Kamiya Gatomon

Ken and Wormmon

Davis and Veemon

Yolei and Hawkmon

Cody and Armadillomon

Harry Potter

Harry,

Ron,

Hermine,

Malfoy,

Voldemort

Twilight

Bella,

Edward,

Jacob,

Volturi

Lord of the Rings

Sauron

Percy Jackson & the Olympians

Avatar the last Airbender

Aang,

Katara,

Souka,

Toph,

Zuko,

Mai,

Ty Lee,

Azula

Firelord

Teen TItans

Robin,

Cyborg,

Beast Boy,

Starfire,

Raven,

Terra

Beast Wars

Terrasaur

, Scorpinoc,

Tarantuals,

Black Archidna,

Optimus Primal,

Rhinox,

Rattrap,

Dinobot,

Cheetor,

Tigatron,

Airazor,

Silverbolt,

Depthcharge,

Megatron,

Waspinator,

Inferno,

Rampage

X-men

Professor X,

Cyclops,

Iceman,

Angel,

Beast,

Jean Grey,

Nightcrawler,

Wolverine,

Storm,

Rogue,

Gambit

SSB

Mario,

Kirby,

Pit,

Rob,

Kingdom Hearts

Sora,

Riku,

Kairi,

Ansem,

Maleficent

Final Fantasy

Tidus,

Yuna,

Auron,

Wakka,

Lulu,

Rikku,

Kimari,

Cloud,

Squall,

Sephiroth

Mass Effect

Commander Shepard,

Wrex,

Garrus,

Ashley,

Liara,

Halo

Master Chief,

Cortona,

Spartans,

ODST,

Arbiter,

Srg. Johnson

Devil May Cry

Dante,

Dante: It's been a year since we last met. Where does the time go?

Dante: No doubt you've got some fun planned for me. Right, Vergil?

Dante: You want a date? Well, forget it. Because I make a point not to go out with women who shoot me in the head!

Dante: [aiming a gun at Vergil] So... this is what they call a "heart-warming family reunion"?

Dante: Whatever, do as you please.

Dante: I'm beginning to think I've got rotten luck with women.

Dante: Father? I don't have a father. I just don't like you, that's all.

Dante: I can already tell. Looks like this is gonna be one hell of a party!

Dante: Damn it! You guys totally wrecked my shop and I haven't even named it yet!

Dante: Who knows? I'm not even sure myself.

Dante: Well, we have something in common. I have a dysfunctional family too.

Dante: You sure know how to throw a party. No food, no drinks, and the only babe just left.

Dante: Whatever. At any rate, it has been a whole year since we last met. How about a kiss from your little brother? Or better yet, how about a kiss from this?

Dante: Devils never cry.

Dante: Wow, I've never seen a talking mutt before. You know in a dog show, you'd definitely take the first place.

Dante: Easy, Fido! How about I take you out for a walk? Come on, puppy. Let's go!

Dante: It's showtime. Come on!

Dante: Aww, you poor thing. Didn't your mother teach you how to use a door?

Dante: Huh?... Gimme a break. Tell you what, next time I'll try to wear some cologne, okay?

Dante: Hahahaha! A son cleaning up his dad's mess, huh? Where have I heard this story before?

Dante: It's like staring at a backed up toilet!

Dante: Remember what we used to say?

Vergil, Dante: Jackpot.

Dante: [to Lady] Quite frankly, at first I didn't give a damn. But because of you, I know what's important now. I know what I need to do.

Dante: Enough already! How much longer are you gonna carry on like this? In case you didn't get the hint, I'll spell it out. Your "Guest" wants to go through, got it?

Dante: Look at you! Coming in with a big dramatic scene and stealing MY spotlight

Dante: So, bring it on! I love this.

[Dante brandishes his weapon, and begins approaching the Demons]

Dante: This is what I live for! And I'm absolutely crazy about it!

Dante: If that's what it takes to shut you up.

Dante: Dude, the show's over.

Dante: Dude, my father wasn't so hideous. Can't you tell by looking at me?

[Checks his reflection in his sword]

Dante: What took you so long?

Dante: And neither do I, so I'll cut to the chase. I'm here for the sword.

Dante: It was originally my brother's... return it to me and I'll let you go, kid.

Dante: [after their battle concludes] You cooled off yet, kid? What's the matter? Why the glare?

Dante: That sword was used to separate our world from the demons. I can't have something of that kinda power floating around now, can I? It's got to stay in the family.

Dante: First I whip it out, then I thrust it, with great force. Every angle, it penetrates. Until, with great strength, I ram it in. In the end, we're all satisfied.

Lady,

Lady: Date a demon? I'm not that desperate

Lady: Let me go!

Lady: So he's a demon too...

Lady: You've heard of it, haven't you? The legend of Sparda? When I was young, my father would tell me stories about it. Long ago, in ancient times, a demon rebelled against his own kind for the sake of the human race. With his sword, he shut the portal to the demonic realm and sealed the evil entity off from our human world. But since he was a demon himself, his power was also trapped on the other side. I never believed it. I thought it was just a child's fairy tale. But I discovered that the so-called legend wasn't a myth at all. Sparda existed. How do I know? Well... I met the sons of Sparda. *Both* of them. Though the same blood of their father flowed through their veins, the two battled each other fiercely like arch-enemies. It seems as if they derived some twisted pleasure from this brotherly fighting. But in the end, only one was left standing.

Lady: I thought I wasn't going to cry...

Lady: [about Arkham] He was obsessed with becoming a devil, so much he killed his own wife. For that he butchered innocent people too. He's the most vile kind of creature. To top it off, that filthy scum... is my father.

Lady: I see. Maybe somewhere out there even a devil may cry when he loses a loved one. Don't you think?

Lady: Are you crying?

Dante: It's only the rain.

Lady: The rain already stopped.

Lady: What happened next? Nothing, really. We took care of all the remaining devils and that was it. I still have a job to do that's far from done, which is to eliminate every last demon. I need to ensure that monsters like my father never come about again. Then he promised to help me hunt down the demons, even though he's part one himself. But now I realize, there are humans as evil as any devil, as well as calm and compassionate demons in this universe. At least I've found one so-called devil who's able to shed tears for those he cares about. That's enough for me to believe in him

Lady: Oh, speaking of a kind devil, he finally decided on a name for his shop. It took him quite a while to pick one. Want to know the name? Devil May Cry

Lady: By the way...

[Demons appear and surround Dante and Lady]

Lady: Looks like we're gonna be busy for awhile.

Lady: The only family I ever had was my mother... and she's dead!

[fires]

Lady: I don't have a name

Lady: I don't care! Call me anything you want.

Lady: Try me.

Nero,

Nero: You... What are you doing here? Forget it, I don't have time for this.

Nero: Your point being?

Nero: You look as if you've just been playing me from the beginning.

Nero: Wrong Credo. All that you've become is a demon

Nero: Go blow yourself

Virgil

Vergil: You got that right.

[draws sword]

Vergil: Why do you refuse to gain power? The power of our father Sparda?

Vergil: That's none of my concern. Did he have it?

Vergil: My sincerest apology, brother. I was so eager to see you and couldn't concentrate on the preparation of the bash.

Vergil, Dante: Jackpot.

Vergil: I've come to reclaim my power.

[aims sword]

Vergil: You can't handle it.

Vergil: Well... you don't really believe that HE deserves to be our main event, do you?

Vergil: You should come to realize you cannot handle the power of Sparda.

Vergil: [Vergil runs Dante through with his sword] Foolishness, Dante.

[Pushes his sword in a little deeper]

Vergil: Foolishness! Might controls everything. And without strength, you cannot protect anything. Let alone yourself.

[Yanks out his sword and takes Dante's pendant]

Infamous

Cole McGraf,

Cole MacGrath: [Zeke is having a coughing fit] You alright?

Cole MacGrath: ...That's a big-ass fiddle.

Cole MacGrath: What'd I miss?

Cole MacGrath: Oh, nice!

Cole MacGrath: ...Twice as bright.

Cole MacGrath: I'm gonna think this over. You guys get ready to act!

Cole MacGrath: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Cole MacGrath: Oh do you really think I'm the demon?

Cole MacGrath: [Mocking Bertrand's southern accent] The demon of empire city?

Cole MacGrath: Oooh. Go right ahead. I'm not stopping you.

Cole MacGrath: Hey, Kuo... listen. I know you're probably pissed at me...

Cole MacGrath: How about we butcher Bertrand? Wasn't that the plan?

Cole MacGrath: "Quality time"? Wow, never would've pegged you as a soccer mom.

Cole MacGrath: Dropped out of college and got a job as a bike courier. Mostly just to piss off my parents. I was someone you'd never notice. Just a guy delivering packages to folks you'd never know. And then one day... a package found me.

[explosion]

Cole MacGrath: Thousands died. Five square blocks smashed into rubble... And at the centre... was me. Alive... but changed. But no one could have seen what was coming. Back then, Empire City was in quarantine. It had gone to hell. Other people with powers started showing up, and it was my job to sort through it all. Find out who had given me that package, and why. Hell, even my best friend turned his back on me to try to get powers of his own. But in the end I found the man responsible. Kessler. He explained everything through a vision of the future. A Beast is coming. A monster only I can defeat, provided that I am strong and ready to face him. A month later, I met Lucy Kuo. She somehow knew all about the Beast, in fact... she had come to help me prepare. Claimed a friend, Dr. Wolfe, had worked on the Ray Sphere prototype. And that he could amplify my powers. All I had to do was go with her down to New Marais. I need those powers. The Beast is coming. And I will be ready.

Cole MacGrath: [narrated lines] While sliding into unconsciousness I could somehow, I don't know... hear the voices of dying. Thousands crushed by falling buildings, or burned alive in the fires. Trish lost her sister. Almost lost me. Zeke was always there, somehow sure that I'd wake up.

Title Card: Day 4

Cole MacGrath: [continue narrating] While outside, the city fell apart. A plague struck. Followed by rioting. Thefts. Rapes. Civilization committing suicide. In a bullshit attempt to contain the biological threat, the federal government locked down all access in and out of the city. Now we're stuck in this cage with the psychos. Cops are all but gone off the streets. Either dead or too chickenshit to stand against the gangs that control things now. Outside, things were bad, but inside - inside of me - something was beginning. Scary as hell at first. Gonna understand there was no one to talk to, no experts to consult. But with time, I'm learning to control it. Master it. Just hope it's not too late...

Cole MacGrath: Oh, here we go...

Cole MacGrath: Damn near blew my hand off.

Cole MacGrath: You pissed all over him.

Cole MacGrath: Yeah, awesome. Until we run into a wall of cops.

Cole MacGrath: Sure, I could use a sidekick.

Cole MacGrath: You need to take a nap, and and a bath. I got things to do.

Zeke

Zeke Jedediah Dunbar: Yeah! Fit as a fiddle.

Zeke Jedediah Dunbar: "Don't shoot my ass!"

Zeke Jedediah Dunbar: Entree vous.

Zeke: Hey Cole, before we head over to Archer, I gotta go pick up a new six shooter.

Zeke: Nah, that was badass! The second you touched it, the electricity in your hand cooks off the gunpowder, and the whole thing goes KA-BAM! Look on your face was priceless.

Zeke: Which is why you won't be touching the new one! Traded this guy one of my homemade batteries for it.

Zeke: Hell, he doesn't know that!

Zeke: Hey Cole, remember that time we were coming home from Duffy's, and I had to take a leak, and that bike cop was yellin' at me to put up my hands?

Zeke: He told me to put up my hands! Well, while he's out back covered in piss, I hop in and we take off! Haha, awesome!

Zeke: Like I said, awesome! Shame we won't be able to do anything like that again.

Zeke: That Ray Sphere thing must dish out powers to anyone controllin' it! You gotta bring it back here!

Zeke: Aw, hell with that. Zeke Jedediah Dunbar is his own man.

Zeke: Yes it is, after my grandfather. Strong man for a man his size, not sure where Zeke comes from, but i'm certain...

Prototype

Alex Mercer,

Alex Mercer: My name is Alex Mercer. I'm the reason for all of this. They call me a killer, a monster, a terrorist... I am all of these things.

Alex Mercer: One virus, three weeks, millions dead... and I was there. My name was Alex Mercer, and my work is almost done

Alex Mercer: I looked for the truth, found it. Didn't like it, wish the hell I could forget it. Alex Mercer... this city suffered for his mistakes... for what he did at Penn station and whoever he was, that's a part of me, 'cause when I close my eyes, I see the memories of a thousand dead men, screaming as I take their lives. Moments I'll relive forever. What have I become? Something less than human, but also something more.

Alex Mercer: They think they are in control? They have no idea what I'm capable of

Alex Mercer: I saw what he saw. I know what he knew. His memories are my memories.

James Heller

James Heller: Alex Mercer, you killed my wife and my daughter. You turned me into this...monster. Now you spread the virus and you send your pets to kill me?

Transformers

Megatron,

MEGATRON: Spare me, you gaseous sycophant! You know what you are told, which is nothing!

MEGATRON: And what news from your little assassin?

MEGATRON: You did me a great honour, tracking that ship to the moon. Your human collaborators have served their purpose, Soundwave. It's time to eliminate loose ends. [Laserbeak flies away]

MEGATRON: Here we are. Fight us NOW.

MEGATRON: Oh, don't be greedy, my fragile ones...

MEGATRON: All hail Megatron!

MEGATRON: The city is secured. The humans cannot stop us!

MEGATRON: This is the victory I've promised you so many years ago where we rebuild Cybertron together.

MEGATRON: Be gone, insect operatives! Your work is done!

MEGATRON: Cybertron... you are saved, at last.

MEGATRON: Oh, have you come to surrender?

MEGATRON: YOU DARE LECTURE ME, SLAVE?

Megatron: There is another source of Energon hidden on this planet. The boy could lead us to it

Megatron: This isn't over

Megatron: Yeesss...

Megatron: [squeezing Starscream] You left me to die on that pathetic insect planet!

Megatron: So disappointing...

Megatron: Even in death, there is no command but MINE!

Megatron: Well, then, let me strip the very flesh from his body!

Megatron: Come here, boy. Closer... You remember me, don't you?

Megatron: [pinning Sam down] It feels good to grab your flesh! I am going to kill you slowly, painfully, but first, we have some delicate work to do. How could I snap your limbs off!

Megatron: You are so WEAK!

Megatron: Then we will force them to find him for us! It's time for the world to know about our presence. No more disguises. NO MERCY! The time has come for my master's arrival.

Starscream,

Blackout,

Iron Hide,

Bumblebee,

Optimus Prime

Avengers

Thor,

Ironman,

Hulk,

Spiderman,

Captain America,

Deadpool,

Blade,

Ghostrider

Star Trek

Captain Kirk,

Captain Picard,

Data,

Spock,

Worf

.

Jak & Daxter

Jak

Daxter,

Samos,

Keira,

Torn

Ashelin

Warcraft

Archimonde,

Kil'jaeden,

Mannoroth,

Ner'zhul,

Sargeras,

Balnazzar,

Magtheridon,

Mal'Ganis,

Tichondrius,

Varimathras,

Asgalor,

Hakkar,

Kazzak,

Anetheron,

Detheroc,

Akama,

Velen,

Nobundo,

Restalaan,

Iridi,

Ishanah,

Vinidicator

Maraad,

Alextrasza,

Malygos,

Neltharion,

Illidan,

Cenarius,

Starcraft

Terrain,

Protoss,

Zerg,

Jim Raynor,

Matt Horner,

Tychus Findlay,

Gabriel Tosh,

Ariel Hanson,

Ariel Hanson

Spyro

Spyro

Sparks

Metal Gear

Solid Snake,

Big Boss,

Gray Fox,

Pettrovich Madnar

Half-life

Gordon Freeman,

G-man,

Adrain Shephard,

Barney Calhoun,

Dr. Rosenberg,

Alyx Vance,

Vortigaunts

Doom

Dead Space

Isaac Clarke,

Necromorphs

Dead Rising

Frank West

Resident Evil

Leon Scott Kennedy,

Ashley Graham,

Ada Wong,

Chris Redfield,

Sheva Alomar

Buffy

Buffy Anne Summers,

Xander,

Willow,

Angel,

Oz,

Cordelia,

Rupert

House

Dr. Gregory House,

Dr. James Wilson,

Dr. Lisa Cuddy,

Dr. Eric Foreman,

Dr. Robert Chase,

Dr. Allison Cameron

Heroes

Claire Bennet,

Noah Bennet,

Matt Parkman,

Hiro Nakamura,

Peter Petrelli,

Nathan Petrelli,

Sylar,

Elle,

Adam

Firefly

Malcolm Reynolds,

Zoe Washburne,

Hoban "Wash" Washburne,

Inara Serra,

Jayne Cobb,

Kaylee Frye,

Dr. Simon Tam,

River Tam,

Derrial Book

Supernatural

Star Wars

DC comics

Superman,

Supergirl,

Green Lantern,

Batman,

Wonderwoman,

the Flash

God of War

Kratos

Uncharted

Drake

Darksiders

War

Prince of Persia

the prince

Grand Theft Auto

Carl CJ Johnson

28 days later

Rage virius

Danny Phantom

South Park

Cartman,

Kenny,

Kyle,

Stan

Yulaw: I am Yulaw! I am nobody's bitch! You are mine.

Prison Warden: Yulaw, are you ready?

Yulaw: [looks at Warden] Are you?

Gabe: SOMETHING'S wrong!

[after seeing Yulaw run past a squad car]

Police Officer: Holy shit! He's doin' fifty!

Lawless: You want that thumb?

[Being ambushed by three cops]

Yulaw: Don't you people ever learn?

[Before Gabe and Yulaw fight each other]

Yulaw: After this, there will be only one.

Gabe: I won't be the one, but neither will you.

[last lines]

[Yulaw making his announcement to the prisoners in the Hades Universe]

Yulaw: I don't need to know you. *You* only need to know *me*. I will be The One!

Yulaw: I don't need to know you.

Yulaw: You only need to know me.

Yulaw: I will be the one.

[Yulaw listens to heavy metal in a stolen van but gets held at gunpoint by Roedecker]

Yulaw: Just when I find something that I like in this universe.

Funsch: I am a Multiverse agent.

Gabe: You're a nut.

Funsch: Hey, you're the one that's seeing yourself.

Yulaw: There has never been anything greater than what I have become.

Roedecker: On the floor, right now!

Yulaw: The floor? This is a hospital. The floor is full of germs. Want me to get sick?

Roedecker: You have killed 123 people, I'd say that is a *very* bad thing you did, Yulaw. You don't know what would happen if you kill this one. His death could affect the whole system, but I guess that doesn't matter to...

Yulaw: I know, everything must be balanced. Blah-blah-blah-blah, the party line. What do you think would happen?

Roedecker: Some people think you'd explode. Some people think you'd implode.

Yulaw: You're missing one.

Roedecker: Some people think you'd become some sort of god?

Yulaw: Yes, that's the one.

Yulaw: The Multiverse, every universe in it, is irrational, sloppy. I try to make it rational. I try to make it neat. You call it murder. How can I murder myself 123 times? I just took those wasted energies and transferred them to one container: me. What if that is our fate? To unite with ourselves, to be unified forever. To be one. I will be The One.

Gabe: [putting a protective helmet on Rotten Ronnie] It's okay. You're doing the right thing.

Funsch: In this, you exist. In another you don't exist. In another, you're married to the same woman. In another, you're married to a different woman. In another, you're married to a man.

Gabe: Hey!

Funsch: There is a string of energy divided among every one of us. We all have it.

Gabe: So I'm next?

Funsch: You're the last.

Nurse Besson: For God's sake, you're getting an MRI, not a heart transplant.

Yulaw: The shortest distance between two points will always be a straight line.

Yulaw: There hasn't been anything like what I have become. You know that, you were there for my very first one.

Funsch: Permission to speak, sir. I know what I've gotta do. And I'll never get the chance to say thank you for squaring me away. So, thank you sir.

Roedecker: Funsch. Us splitting up, you going solo... is way out of procedure. So listen to me. I know where you come from. I know what you've been through, but this place is different. Not everyone is a combatant. There are innocent people here. So if you get into the shit, you trust your heart, not your head, hmm?

Funsch: Loud and clear, sir.

Yulaw: [confronting Gabriel Law] The good news is you're not crazy. The bad news is...

[starts shooting at him]

T.K. Law: You were shot. You need to be examined.

Gabriel Law: You can do it.

T.K. Law: Um, newsflash. I'm a vet. You're not a dog.

T.K. Law: Maybe it's part of what's been going on with you. People get older, Gabe. They don't get stronger. They don't get faster all of a sudden.

Gabriel Law: My grandfather taught me the energy of life goes in a circle in a perfect flow, balanced. He said until I find my center, my circle would never be whole. That day, I first saw her in the clinic I came in with a dog that was hit by a car. I knew right away she was my center. She made me whole.

Yulaw: Just so you know, I'm going to take that gun and kill you before you can pull the trigger. There's nothing you can do, except give it to me.

[first lines]

Narrator: There is not one universe. There are many: A multiverse. We have the technology to travel between universes, but travel is highly restricted and policed. There is not one you. There are many. Each of us exists in present time, in parallel universes. There was balance in the system, but now a force exists who seeks to destroy the balance so he can become The One.

Prison Warden: [to Yulow] People have found you guilty of one hundred and twenty three counts of first degree murder and one hundred and twenty three counts of unauthorised travel to parallel universes. For these crimes you have been sentenced to life without the possibility of return.

Roedecker: There's only one place he could be going.

Funsch: Not a problem.

Yulaw: [to T.K] Before I saw him I felt him. It was me.

Roedecker: [to Evan] He's close to you on strength.

Yulaw: If we kill him, this whole universe could go with him.

Yulaw: I just need to do it one more time.

Funsch: This is the only way to stop him. My own design. Yeah, that'll work too.

Yulaw: Miss me?

Kain: Vae Victus - suffering to the conquered. Ironic that now I was the one suffering. Not anything as pedestrian as physical pain. Rather the cruel jab of impotent anger - the hunger for revenge. I didn't care if I was in Heaven or Hell - all I wanted was to kill my assassins. Sometimes you get what you wish for. The Necromancer Mortanius offered me a chance for vengeance. And like a fool, I jumped at his offer without considering the cost. Nothing is free, not even revenge.

Kain: I am the last Pillar. The only survivor of the Circle of Nine. At my whim the world will be healed or damned. At my whim.

Ottmar: We shall die today as heroes, lest we live tomorrow as slaves!

Malek: Vengeance! Vengeance for my eternity of suffering!

Vorador: Whelp! As if you knew what eternity was! Grovel before your true master.

Malek: Never! I'll hack you from crotch to gizzard and feed what's left of you to your brides...

Kain: Ironic. By going back in time, and altering the past, you turned William the Just into the Nemesis.

Moebius: Aye - you have seen my plan, vampire, as I have seen your destiny. The future says you die!

Kain: But I am dead . . .

[Kain lops off Moebius' head]

Kain: as are you!

The Unspoken: You thought yourself a king when in fact you were a pawn! You have served me well, Kain.

Kain: I serve no one!

The Unspoken: Indeed. Such narrow vision. Don't you see? My silencing of Ariel, and its calculated repercussions, is but the first act in my theatre of Grand Guignol. Of which you are the tragic hero... play on, little vampire, play on...

Kain: Vae Victus!

Kain: The Mentalist Nupraptor was renowned through Nosgoth for his tricks of the mind, telepathy and telekinesis. Pilgrims traveled from all across the land seeking the comfort of his lies. I sought not his wisdom... but his life.

Kain: Alas, poor Nupraptor, I knew him well... Well, not really.

Kain: I awoke to the pain of a new existence, in a dank womb of darkness and decay.

Ariel: Nupraptor, your madness has shattered our dreams and blinded you...

Kain: Keep your distance or I'll send you back to Hell, spirit!

Ariel: There is nothing left of me to fear, vampire. I am only a shadow of my former self... Ariel, the Balance of the Circle of Nine. Even so, I can provide the answers you seek.

Kain: I seek only a cure.

Ariel: There is no cure for death. Only release. You must destroy the sorcery that is now poisoning Nosgoth. Only then will you realize peace.

Kain: [describing his implosion spell] Of all the methods I employ, this is perhaps the cruelest, causing my victim's body to shrink on itself, crushing bones and rupturing organs 'til the pressure inside burst the sac of fleshy skin, spraying its contents for all to see.

Kain: I came upon one of Nupraptor's serving girls, catatonic with fear, choking out half-words through bloodied, broken teeth. Although tempted by hunger, I stayed my hand, allowing her to tell her story. She spoke of her Lord Nupraptor, driven to insanity by the brutal slaying of his beloved Ariel. She spoke of his self-mutilation, sewing his eyes and lips shut to deny the outside world. Fueled by despair and hopelessness, he turned his magic on the Circle, infecting their minds with his madness. Nupraptor cared for nothing now, save his pathetic self-pity. Scars such as hers would never heal. Death would only be a mercy.

Vorador: Take this ring. If you ever need assistance it will summon me. Despite your youthful arrogance, you amuse me, Kain - it would be such a pity to lose you to the Abyss.

Kain: Time fades even legend, and the origin of the Soul Reaver has been lost long ago. But its purpose remains - to feed on the souls of any creature it strikes. Kindred, this blade and I.

[after Vorador's execution]

Executioner: We are free of this unholy scourge!

Moebius: Not yet, my friend. Would you be free of a plague if only one city was cleansed?

Crowd: No! No!

Moebius: Would you spare one wolf in the pack that has devastated your herd?

Crowd: No!

Moebius: Then let us destroy them all!

Crowd: Yes!

Moebius: [points at Kain] He is the last! Destroy him!

[false ending]

Ariel: In his life, he was unknown... a petty noble. In death, he was unknown. Yet by choosing oblivion, he restored Balance to the land. Shades cast, no shadows.

[true ending]

Kain: Once I embraced my gifts, I realized that Vorador was right; we are gods... dark gods and it is our duty to thin the herd.

Kain: The world had changed to my eyes. I had not expected such cruelty from the light. For in the embrace of the sun, I could find no comfort, only malice. This would change in time for the worse, along with other things.

Oracle: A nobleman? Seeking wisdom? Death has taught you well.

Kain: Enough philosophy - I seek answers.

Oracle: Answers indeed. I have them all if you have the questions. And what are the questions for these answers? King Ottmar, the only hope to defeat the legions of the Nemesis. King Ottmar paralyzed by his princess' malaise. King Ottmar the useless. Pray good sir, what are the questions?

Kain: A pox upon your tricks and babble, old man! Answer me this: Who is Malek and how can I defeat him?

Oracle: All in time, sirrah. Yes, time. Unless you master it - it will master you. And now it's time for your answer: Malek - defender of the Nine and last of the Seraphan sorcerer-priests. His vanity led to the slaughter of the Circle at the hands of the vampire Vorador. For his failing, his spirit was fused to a hellish set of magical armor. He has allowed no member of the Circle to fall since.

Kain: What of this Vorador?

Oracle: Follow the glow of the Ignis Fatuus to the Termagent forest.

Kain: Ignis Fatuus?

Oracle: The Ignis Fatuus lights the path to Hell, nobleman. Your path. Time, Kain... next time...

Vorador: Meddling with the affairs of man can do us no good.

Anacrothe: You betrayed us Mortanius! You had Kain killed and turned him into a monster! You set him upon us!

Mortanius: It had to be. Nupraptor's insanity poisoned all of our minds. The Circle had failed in its sworn duties. It had to be destroyed.

Anacrothe: Failed our duties? Idiot! The Circle exists for us, we don't exist for it! Our powers will save or damn Nosgoth at our whim! Stand with us, Mortanius, or die!

Mortanius: Then I shall die!

Vorador: Call your dogs! They can feast on your corpses!

Kain: I fear no dangers, do you hear? They will fear me.

Raziel: [upon first seeing his body] I would choose oblivion over this travesty.

Elder God: The choice is not yours.

Elder God: Redeem yourself... or, if you prefer, avenge yourself.

Morlock: Heretic, you shall not pass!

Raziel: Such loyalty, to one who has you guarding this outpost like a chained dog. Tell me, do you prosper on the scraps he casts you?

Morlock: Your insults will do nothing to blunt the agony of your demise!

Raziel: Kain killed me once, behold the results. I have no more to fear from you!

Kain: Raziel... the Abyss has been unkind.

Raziel: I am your creation, Kain. Now, as before, you criticize your own work.

Raziel: Damn you, Kain! You are not God! This act of genocide is unconscionable!

Kain: Conscience...? You dare speak to me of conscience? Only when you have felt the full gravity of choice should you dare to question my judgment!

Raziel: I would choose integrity, Kain.

Raziel: Am I reduced to this? A ghoul? A fratricide?

Elder God: Elevated, Raziel... not reduced.

Raziel: You are lost in a maze of moral relativism, Kain. These apparitions and portents... what game are you playing now?

Kain: Destiny is a game, is it not? And now you await my latest move...

Raziel: I knew my opponents' weaknesses, having suffered them myself. Physical wounds are fleeting - a vampire's immortal flesh begins to close as soon as it is cleaved. Vampires need only fear those wounds that impale, or inflame. Water scorches like acid, and fledglings are devastated by sunlight's touch... I would have to modify my tactics to suit my foes.

Melchiah: Everyone is afraid, sibling. You awake to a world of fear. These times of change are so... unsettling. Do you think I feel no revulsion for this form? Do you believe for a moment that our Lord would risk his empire upon an upstart inheritance?

Raziel: Enough riddles - what are you saying?

Melchiah: You are the last... to die...

Raziel: Tell me, Melchiah - where can I find Kain?

Melchiah: The master is beyond your reach, Raziel. He makes himself known when He sees fit - not when commanded.

Raziel: A crevice in which to cower, only scuttling from the shadows to devour a victim already ensnared in your cowardly trap. But you've made the mistake of leaving me unbound, and it is *you* who must succumb to *my* will.

Zephon: Will... instinct... reflex action... the insect mind finds little difference. I warn you, brother - as my stature has grown, so it is matched by my appetite... step forward, morsel!

Raziel: Seraphan, Rahab. The antithesis of all we ever believed.

Rahab: Does it matter? We were lost. He saved us.

Raziel: Saved us? From what?

Rahab: From ourselves.

Dumah: Not even Kain is my equal.

Raziel: Even the strongest vampire is vulnerable.

Dumah: We shall test your thesis, Raziel.

Elder God: From this moment and ever afterward, You and this blade are inextricably bound. Soul Reaver and reaver of souls, your destinies are intertwined.

Raziel: The descent had destroyed me... and yet, I lived.

[Raziel confronts Kain in the Chronoplast]

Kain: At last. I must say I'm disappointed in your progress. I imagined you'd be here sooner. Tell me, did it trouble you to murder your brothers?

Raziel: Did it trouble *you* when you ordered me into the abyss?

Kain: No. I had faith in you. In your ability to hate, in your self-righteous indignation.

Raziel: Lies! You cannot have foreseen all of this.

Kain: Eternity is relentless, Raziel. When I first stole into this chamber centuries ago, I did not fathom the true power of knowledge. To know the future, Raziel. To see its paths and streams tracing out into the infinite. As a man, I could never have contained such forbidden truths. But each of us is so much more than we once were. Gazing out across the plains of possibility, do you not feel with all your soul, how we have become like gods? And as such, are we not indivisible? As long as a single one of us stands, we are legion! That is why, when I must sacrifice my children to the void, I can do so with a clear heart.

Raziel: Very poetic, Kain. But in the end, you offer no more than a convenient rationalization for your crimes.

Kain: These chambers are for insight for those *patient* enough to look. In your haste to find me, perhaps you have not gazed deeply enough. Our futures are predestined. Moebius foretold mine a millennium ago. We each play out the parts fate has written for us. We are compelled ineluctably down pre-ordained paths. Free will... is an illusion.

Raziel: I have been to the Tomb of Sarafan, Kain. Your dirty secret is exposed. How could you transform a Sarafan priest into a vampire?

Kain: How could I not? One must keep his friends close, Raziel, and his enemies even closer. Can you grasp the absurd beauty of the paradox? We're the same, Sarafan and vampire, with our holy wars, our obsession with Nosgoth's domination. Who better to serve me than those whose passion transcends all notions of good and evil?

Raziel: I will not applaud your clever blasphemy. The Sarafan were saviors, defending Nosgoth from the corruption that *we* represent. My eyes are opened, Kain. I find no nobility in the un-life you rudely forced on my unwilling corpse!

Kain: You may have uncovered your past, but you know nothing of it. You think the Sarafan were noble? Altruistic?

[chuckles]

Kain: Don't be simple. Their agenda was the same as ours.

Raziel: You are lost in a maze of moral relativism, Kain. These apparitions and portents... what game are you playing now?

Kain: Destiny is a game, is it not? And now, you await my latest move.

Kain: You nearly had me, Raziel. But this is not where, or how, it ends. Fate promises more twists before this drama unfolds completely.

[when trying to grill Melchiah for information]

Raziel: Answer me *little* brother, or I shall beat an answer from your horrid lips!

Elder God: I know you, Raziel. You are worthy.

Raziel: What madness is this? What pitiful form is this that have come to inhabit? Death would be a release next to this travesty!

Elder God: You did not survive the abyss, Raziel. I have only spared you from total dissolution.

Raziel: I would choose oblivion over this existence!

Elder God: The choice is not yours.

Raziel: I am destroyed!

Elder God: YOU ARE REBORN! The birth of one of Kain's abominations traps the essence of life. It is this soul that animates the corpse you *lived* in. And that, Raziel, is the demise of Nosgoth. There is no balance. The souls of the dead remain trapped. I cannot spin them in the wheel of fate. They cannot complete their destinies.

Elder God: Redeem yourself. Or, if you prefer, avenge yourself. Settle your dispute with Kain. Destroy him and your brethren. Free their souls, and let the wheel of fate churn again. Use your hatred to reave their souls. I can make it possible. Become my "soul reaver"- my angel of death.

Raziel: Kain is deified. The clans tell tales of him. Few know the truth. He was mortal once, as were we all. However, his contempt for humanity drove him to create me and my bretheren. I am Raziel, first born of his lieutenants. I stood with Kain and my bretheren at the dawn of the empire. I have served him a millennium. Over time, we became less human, and more... divine. Kain would enter the state of change and emerge with a new gift. Some years after the master, our evolution would follow, until I had the honor of surpassing my lord. For my transgression, I earned a new kind of reward...

[Kain tears the bones from Raziel's wings, and Raziel screams in pain]

Raziel: Agony! There was only one possible outcome. My eternal damnation. I, Raziel, was to suffer the fate of traitors and weaklings, to burn forever in the bowels of the Lake of the Dead.

Kain: Cast him in!

Raziel: Tumbling, burning with white hot fire, I plunged into the depths of the abyss. Unspeakable pain, relentless agony, time ceased to exist. Only this torture and a deepening hatred of the hypocrisy that damned me to this hell. An eternity passed and my torment receded, bringing me back from the precipice of madness. The descent had destroyed me. Yet, I lived.

Elder God: Raziel. You are worthy.

Kain: Given the choice, whether to rule a corrupt and failing empire; or to challenge the fates for another throw - a better throw - against one's destiny... what was a king to do? But does one even truly have a choice? One can only match, move by move, the machinations of fate... and thus defy the tyrannous stars.

Turel: No... No more questions... No more worship. Time to run, time to scream, time to die...

Elder God: What do you profit from this defiance?

Raziel: There's some grim satisfaction in infuriating you.

[On having his heart ripped out]

Kain: I always was considered heartless.

Raziel: The two become one... both Soul Reavers... together... and the Scion of Balance is healed... And I am not your enemy... not your destroyer... I am, as before, your right hand...! Your sword...!

[Kain comes across yet another locked door in the Sarafan Stronghold]

Kain: Locked. What a love of doors these pathetic humans have...

Elder God: Relinquish your will... and feed.

[Striking at the ground with his fist]

Raziel: No.

Elder God: Embrace your calling, Raziel. You will find that just as defiance has its price, so obedience has its reward.

[(Rising to his feet]

Raziel: And submission is not always as it seems.

[Moebius is talking to the Elder, unaware Kain is watching from above]

Moebius: The Hylden are a minor setback, a small price to pay for Kain's death.

[Kain jumps down and floats softly behind Moebius as he is talking]

Kain: You're a bit premature, Moebius.

[Moebius is shocked]

Kain: Is there a crack in your omniscience after all?

[Moebius tries to use his staff against Kain, but it fails]

Kain: First your omniscience, and now your power. You're slipping badly.

Raziel: I refuse to do your will!

Elder God: I can see into your heart, Raziel. It is not your will, but cowardice that keeps you here.

Raziel: How so?

Elder God: You know what fate awaits you when you leave the underworld. That phantom weapon you bear is a constant reminder, isn't it? The sword is waiting for you out there somewhere, and you tarry so as not to meet it.

Raziel: [narrating] I could not deny it. As long as I lingered here, defying my captor, I was able to postpone what I feared was my inevitable doom; to become the ravenous spirit imprisoned in the Reaver blade. But that sentence was no worse than the stalemate I now endured. Better to face one's destiny than cower from it.

Ariel: What manner of creature approaches?

Raziel: I know you well, Ariel, though you do not yet know me.

Ariel: I have no time for riddles, strange one.

Raziel: All you have is time. I have come to seek your guidance.

Ariel: I counsel only one man, and you are not he.

Kain: I was confronted again with depictions of the Vampires' champion, the bearer of the Reaver blade. And here too, was his Hylden adversary, with blazing eyes brandishing a flaming sword. Two heroes locked in combat which only one would survive. But which one? These murals prophesied two possible outcomes.

Elder God: I have delivered you faithfully to the very hour you desire. You know what must be done, Kain. There is only one way to prevent Raziel from doing great harm.

Kain: He is not my enemy.

Elder God: But you are his.

Raziel: The banished race foretold a hero who would deliver them from their oppressors, and destroy the shackles of the Vampires' tyrannous God. The same hero that bore the flaming sword. What game was this, where every player on the board claimed the same pawn?

Raziel: Your pawn has reached the end of the board, Kain. And now my powers may even surpass yours. How ironic if the creature that you made should prove your own undoing. Now, we finish this.

Raziel: Vae Victis... woe to the conquered!

Moebius: Raziel, the conquering hero. I understand we are to offer congratulations. Kain, at last, is dead.

[Kain sees the Elder God for the first time]

Elder God: So. I am revealed to you at last.

Kain: What in the hell...

Elder God: I am the origin of life, the devourer of death. I am the hub of the Wheel, the purifying cycle to which all souls must be drawn.

Kain: [to himself] Had I condemned Raziel to this nightmare when I cast him into the abyss?

Elder God: You may ponder the futility of your ambitions as you spend a deathless eternity beneath a mountain of rubble. You and your Soul Reaver will go equally mad as the eons pass. The Citadel of the apostates will become your living tomb.

Kain: Your words are heartening. For you would not fear us, unless we could truly do you harm.

Elder God: No! You are nothing!

Kain: False God! This is the end... the final turn of your Wheel!

Elder God: You cannot destroy me, Kain. I am the Engine of Life itself... the Wheel will turn. The plague of your kind will be purged from this world. And on that inevitable day, your wretched, stagnant soul will finally be mine!

Kain: In the meantime, you'd best burrow deep.

Kain: Most ironic of all, was the last gift that Raziel had given me. More powerful than the sword that now held his soul, more acute even than the vision that his sacrifice had accorded me. The first, bitter taste of that terrible illusion: hope.

Additional Male Voices: Surrender, Fiend, and we will promise you an easy death!

Kain: I could promise you the same, but it would be a lie!

Raziel: Enough of your sermonizing! Are you trying to bore me into submission? Why must this game go on? We both know what you are. You're no better than the vampires you so despise, a voracious parasite cloaking its appetite in a shrod of righteousness! I refuse to do your will.

Raziel: You want this room cleared of its vermin?

Elder God: If you wish to leave it.

Kain: [talking about the Pillars] How strange to see this place long before my birth... centuries before the corruption set in that would poison the land and put me on the treachous path i still followed. In the future, these edifices would be condemned to darkness and decay. I would cause their fall and bulid my empire upon their ruins. Was it still possible that with the right knowledge, the right moves, i might one day see Nosgoth restored, the Pillars pure once more? My answer, according to Moebius, lay somewhere to the west of this place. I could restore the world, perhaps, but never again could i give Nosgoth back her innocence.

Ariel: He will do what he must when the time comes.

Raziel: By choosing his own death? A sacrifice for the world? You don't know Kain very well.

Raziel: [to Elder God] And i'm beginning to think the vampires committed suicide only to escape your voice.

Kain: Listen to me, you must understand that every creature is bound to one predestined path. We are all shackled...

Raziel: To the Wheel of Fate. Believe me, i know that even better than you do.

Kain: All but one. Because of your remaking, you are the one unbound creature, the one amoung us all that truely has free will. You have a choice, Raziel.

Raziel: Which i'm sure i must make at your direction. Your pawn has reached the end of the board, Kain!

Blackwatch Officer: I got him! Wait, no... Negative... Aw, negative. I don't got him. Standby.

Alex Mercer: They call me a killer, a monster, a terrorist... I am all of these things.

Alex Mercer: Their bodies crawled with hell.

Alex Mercer: Come! I'm here! Come and get me!

James: Oh, still stubborn, aren't we? Is that what makes you so special to Edward?

Isabella Swan: Clair de Lune is great.

Edward Cullen: [Edward spins Isabella around and she gives him a look] What?

Isabella Swan: I can't dance

[laughs]

Isabella Swan: .

Edward Cullen: Hmm... Well, I could always make you.

Isabella Swan: I'm not scared of you.

Edward Cullen: [laughs] Well you really shouldn't have said that.

Jessica Stanley: Bella! Guess who just asked me to prom. I totally thought Mike was gonna ask you, actually. Um, it's not gonna be weird though, right?

Isabella Swan: No, no. Zero weirdness. You guys are great together.

Jessica Stanley: I know, right?

James: Beautiful. Very visually dynamic. I chose my stage well.

Isabella Swan: Are you going to tell me how you stopped the van?

Edward Cullen: Yeah. Um... I had an adrenaline rush. It's very common. You can Google it.

Edward Cullen: What did you expect? Coffins and dungeons and moats?

Isabella Swan: No, not the moats.

Edward Cullen: Not the moats.

Edward Cullen: The hunt is his obsession. He's never gonna stop!

Isabella Swan: [to Edward] I'd rather die than to stay away from you.

Edward Cullen: And so the lion fell in love with the lamb.

Isabella Swan: What a stupid lamb.

Edward Cullen: What a sick, masochistic lion.

Isabella Swan: Will you tell me the truth?

Edward Cullen: No, probably not.

[Bella turns away slighly angry]

Edward Cullen: I'd rather hear your theories.

Isabella Swan: I have considered radioactive spiders and kryptonite.

Edward Cullen: All superhero stuff right? But what if I'm not the hero? What if I am the bad guy?

Isabella Swan: You're not.

[Edward smiles]

Edward Cullen: That's what you dream about? Being a monster?

Isabella Swan: I dream about being with you forever.

Rosalie Hale: Is she even Italian?

Emmett Cullen: Her name's Bella.

Dr. Carlisle Cullen: I'm sure she'll love it no matter what.

Rosalie Hale: [sniffs] Ooh... get a whiff of that. Here comes the human.

[Esme flashes a big grin just before Bella and Edward walk around the corner]

Esme Cullen: [runs up to Bella] Bella! We're making Italiano for you.

Edward Cullen: Bella, this is Esme, my mother for all intents and purposes.

Isabella Swan: Buon Giorno?

Esme Cullen: Molto Bene!

Dr. Carlisle Cullen: It gives us an excuse to use the kitchen for the first time.

Esme Cullen: I hope you're hungry.

Isabella Swan: Yeah, absolutely!

Edward Cullen: She already ate.

Rosalie Hale: [crushes the salad bowl she's holding] Perfect!

Isabella Swan: Yeah - it's just that I know... I know you guys don't eat.

Esme Cullen: Of course. That's very considerate of you.

Edward Cullen: Just ignore Rosalie. I do.

Rosalie Hale: Yeah! Let's just keep pretending like this isn't dangerous for all of us.

Isabella Swan: I would never tell anybody anything.

Dr. Carlisle Cullen: She knows that.

Emmett Cullen: Yeah, well the problem is... you two have gone public now so...

Esme Cullen: Emmett!

Rosalie Hale: No, she should know. The entire family will be implicated if this ends badly.

Isabella Swan: Badly as in... I become the meal.

[Carlisle and Edward struggle to suppress laughs]

Edward Cullen: [to Bella] You are my life now.

Isabella Swan: [to Edward] How did you get over to me so fast?

Edward Cullen: [to Bella] I was standing right next to you, Bella.

Isabella Swan: No. You were next to your car, across the lot.

Edward Cullen: No, I wasn't.

Isabella Swan: Yes, you were.

Edward Cullen: Bella, you hit your head. I think you're confused.

Isabella Swan: I know what I saw.

Edward Cullen: And what exactly was that?

Isabella Swan: You stopped the van. You pushed it away with you hand.

Edward Cullen: Well, nobody's going to believe you.

Isabella Swan: I wasn't going to tell anybody. I just need to know the truth.

Edward Cullen: Can't you just thank me and get over it?

Isabella Swan: Thank you.

Edward Cullen: You're not going to let this go, are you?

Isabella Swan: No.

Edward Cullen: Well then I hope you enjoy disappointment.

Edward Cullen: [shuts car door] Carlisle, what's going on?

Dr. Carlisle Cullen: [sighs] Waylon Forge was found in a boat out near his place, I just examined the body.

Isabella Swan: He died? How?

Dr. Carlisle Cullen: Animal attack

[looks at Edward]

Isabella Swan: [glances at Edward]

[to Carlisle]

Isabella Swan: Was it the same one that got that security guard down at Mason?

Dr. Carlisle Cullen: [sighs, then glances at Edward] Most likely.

Isabella Swan: It must getting closer to town then...

Dr. Carlisle Cullen: [cuts Bella off] Bella, you should go inside. Waylon was your father's friend.

Isabella Swan: Okay.

[glances at Edward and walks up stairs]

Isabella Swan: [turns around to Carlisle then to Edward] Um, I'll see you later.

[Carlisle turns to Edward]

Isabella Swan: Look, You gotta give me some answers.

Edward Cullen: Yes. No. To get to the other side. Uh, 1.77245...

Isabella Swan: I don't want to know what the square root of pi is.

Edward Cullen: You knew that?

Isabella Swan: Hey. Come to visit your truck?

Jacob Black: Hey! Looks good. Got that dent out.

Billy Black: Actually, we came to visit your flat-screen. First Mariners game of the season. Plus, Jacob here keeps bugging me about seeing you again.

Jacob Black: Great, Dad. Thanks.

Billy Black: Just keepin' it real, son.

Eric Yorkie: Cute, Mike. Let a playa play!

Rosalie Hale: [after Edward asks her to put on Bella's coat to distract James] Why? What is she to me?

Dr. Carlisle Cullen: [Hands her the coat] Rosalie. Bella is with Edward. She's part of the family now. We protect our family.

Edward Cullen: I should go back there and rip those guys' heads off.

Isabella Swan: Um... No, you shouldn't.

Edward Cullen: You don't know the vile, repulsive things they were thinking.

Isabella Swan: And you do?

Edward Cullen: It's not hard to guess.

Edward Cullen: Can you talk about something else? Distract me so i won't turn around.

Isabella Swan: You should put your seat belt on.

Edward Cullen: Haha... you should put your seat belt on!

Rosalie Hale: [after Emmett catches the baseball by climbing a tree] My monkey man!

Eric Yorkie: [to Bella] So I was wondering... if you have a- a da...

Mike Newton: [shakes wet hat over Bella's head] 'sup Arizona? How you likin' the rain, girl?

Eric Yorkie: Yeah, Mike, you're real cute. You know that?

Edward Cullen: I don't have the strength to stay away from you anymore.

Isabella Swan: Then don't.

Isabella Swan: Everybody's staring.

Edward Cullen: Not that guy. No he just looked. Breaking all the rules now anyways.

[looks at Emmett, Rosalie, Jasper, and Alice]

Edward Cullen: Since I'm going to hell

[slips arm around Bella's shoulder]

Isabella Swan: Did you follow me?

Edward Cullen: I... I feel very protective of you.

Isabella Swan: So you followed me.

Edward Cullen: I was trying to keep a distance unless you needed my help and then I heard what those low-lives were thinking.

Isabella Swan: Wait. You say you heard what they were thinking?

Isabella Swan: So what you... you read minds?

Edward Cullen: I can read every mind in this room apart from yours. There's... Money. Sex. Money. Sex. Cat... And then you, nothing. That's very frustrating.

Isabella Swan: Is there something wrong with me?

Edward Cullen: See... I tell you I can read minds and you think there's something wrong with you?

Isabella Swan: [Last lines] No one will surrender tonight, but I won't give in. I know what I want.

Charlie Swan: Did he hurt you?

Isabella Swan: No.

Charlie Swan: Break up with you or something?

Isabella Swan: No, I-I broke up with him.

Charlie Swan: I thought you liked him?

Isabella Swan: Yea, that's why - that's why I have to leave. I don't want this. I have to go home.

Charlie Swan: Home... Your mom is not even in Phoenix.

Isabella Swan: She'll come home. I'll call her from the road.

Charlie Swan: You're not going to drive home right now. You can sleep on it. If you still feel like going in the morning, I'll take you to the airport.

Isabella Swan: N-No I want to drive, it will give me more time to think. And if I get really tired, I'll pull into a motel. I promise.

Charlie Swan: Look, Bella, I know I'm not that much fun to be around, but I can change that. We can do more stuff together.

Isabella Swan: Like what? Like watch baseball on the flat screen? Eat at the diner every night? Steak and cobbler. Dad, that's you, that's not me.

Charlie Swan: Bella, come on. I-I just got you back.

Isabella Swan: Yea, and you know if I don't get out now, I'll just be stuck here like mom.

Edward Cullen: Hold on tight, spidermonkey.

[climbs up tree]

Edward Cullen: Do you trust me?

Isabella Swan: In theory...

Edward Cullen: Close your eyes.

[Jumps to next tree and climbs to top]

Edward Cullen: [Bella gasps] What?

Isabella Swan: This isn't real. This kind of stuff just doesn't exist.

Edward Cullen: It does in my world.

[Alice and Jasper come in through the window]

Alice Cullen: Hi Bella! I'm Alice.

[Alice walks up to Bella and hugs her]

Alice Cullen: Oh, you do smell good.

Edward Cullen: Alice, what are you - ?

Alice Cullen: It's okay. Bella and I are going to be great friends.

Dr. Carlisle Cullen: Sorry, Jasper's our newest vegetarian. It's still a little difficult for him.

Jasper Hale: Pleasure to meet you.

Alice Cullen: It's okay Jasper, you won't hurt her.

Edward Cullen: [to Bella] All right, I'm going to take you on a tour of the rest of the house.

Alice Cullen: Well, I'll see you soon.

Isabella Swan: Okay.

Esme Cullen: [gushing] So CUTE!

Dr. Carlisle Cullen: I think that went well.

Esme Cullen: [to Rosalie] Clean this up. Now!

Isabella Swan: [Voice-over] Death is peaceful - easy. Life is harder.

James: [Gesturing towards Bella's handheld camera] I borrowed this from your house. Hope you don't mind.

Cora: [Handing a plate to the author of 'Twilight'] Here's your veggie plate, Stephanie.

Isabella Swan: Who are they?

Angela Weber: The Cullens.

Jessica Stanley: They're, um, Dr. and Mrs. Cullen's foster kids. They moved down here from Alaska, like, a few years ago.

Angela Weber: They kinda keep to themselves.

Jessica Stanley: Yeah 'cause they're all together, like TOGETHER together. Uh, the blonde girl, that's Rosalie, and the big dark-haired guy, Emmett, they're like a thing. I'm not even sure that's legal.

Angela Weber: Jess, they're not actually related.

Jessica Stanley: Yeah, but they live together. It's weird-and, okay, the little dark-haired girl is Alice. She's REALLY weird, and, um, she's with Jasper, the blonde one who looks like he's in pain.

Dr. Carlisle Cullen: [puts hand on Edward's shoulder when Edward is attacking James] Son, enough. Remember who you are.

Dr. Carlisle Cullen: [while Edward is sucking the venom and blood out of Bella] Edward, stop. Her blood is clean. You're killing her. Stop. Find the will.

Angela Weber: Smile!

[camera clicks]

Isabella Swan: Okay.

Angela Weber: Sorry, I needed a candid for the feature

Eric Yorkie: The Feature's dead Angela, don't bring it up again!

Isabella Swan: It's okay, I just...

Eric Yorkie: I-I got your back baby.

Angela Weber: I guess we'll just run another editorial on... Teen Drinking...

Isabella Swan: You know, you could always go for... eating disorders? Speedo padding on the swim team.

Angela Weber: Actually, that's a good one...

Jessica Stanley: Kirk right?

Angela Weber: [in unison] Kirk.

Jessica Stanley: That's exactly what I thought.

Angela Weber: We're talking "Olympic Sized".

Jessica Stanley: There's no way - he's so skinny, it doesn't make sense.

Angela Weber: Totally.

Eric Yorkie: Hey, Mikey - you met my home girl, Bella

Mike Newton: Oh, you-yo-your home girl?

Eric Yorkie: Yeah.

Mike Newton: Yeah?

Mike Newton: My girl.

Tyler Crowley: [kissed Bella's cheek, and pulls Mike's chair out from under him] Sorry I had to ruin your game, Mike.

Mike Newton: [chases Tyler through Cafeteria]

Jessica Stanley: Oh my god, it's like, the first grade all over again, you're the shiny new toy...

Isabella Swan: I can't bring myself to regret the decisions that brought me to Forks. They also brought me to Edward.

Edward Cullen: I hate you for making me want you so much.

Jessica Stanley: Hey you're from Arizona right?

Isabella Swan: Yeah.

Jessica Stanley: Aren't people from Arizona supposed to be like, really tan?

Isabella Swan: Yeah, maybe, that's why they kicked me out.

Edward Cullen: [pushes microscope towards Bella] Ladies first.

Isabella Swan: You were gone.

Edward Cullen: Yeah, um, I was out of town for a couple of days, personal reasons.

Isabella Swan: [pushes microscope towards Edward] Uh, prophase.

Edward Cullen: Do you mind if I uh, look?

[Bella shakes her head]

Edward Cullen: It's prophase.

Isabella Swan: Like I said.

Edward Cullen: So you enjoying the rain?

[Bella laughs]

Edward Cullen: What?

Isabella Swan: You're asking me about the weather?

Edward Cullen: Yeah, I-I guess I am.

Isabella Swan: Well, I don't really like the rain. Any cold, wet thing I don't really...

Edward Cullen: [laughs]

Isabella Swan: What?

Edward Cullen: Nothing uh,

[laughs]

Edward Cullen: it's uh, anaphase.

Isabella Swan: You mind if I check?

Edward Cullen: Sure.

Isabella Swan: Anaphase.

Edward Cullen: [smiles] Like I said.

Isabella Swan: I'd never given much though to how I would die. But dying in place of someone I love, seems like a good way to go. I can't bring myself to regret the decisions that brought me face to face with death. They also brought me to Edward.

Edward Cullen: You don't know how long I've waited for you.

Billy Black: I'm down with the kids.

Charlie Swan: [sarcastically] Oh yeah, you're the bomb.

Angela Weber: Maybe he'll adopt me.

Edward Cullen: Edible art?

[Bella knocks over the apple and Edward kicks it up and catches it]

Edward Cullen: Bella.

Isabella Swan: Thanks. You know your mood swings are kinda giving me whiplash.

Edward Cullen: I only said it'd be better if we weren't friends, not that I didn't wanna be.

Isabella Swan: What does that mean?

Edward Cullen: It means if you were smart, you'd stay away from me.

Isabella Swan: Okay well let's say for argument sake that I'm not smart, would you tell me the truth?

Edward Cullen: No probably not.

Edward Cullen: Why didn't you move with your mother and Phil?

Isabella Swan: Well, Phil's a minor league baseball player, and uh, he travels a lot, and my mom s-stayed home with me, but I knew it made her unhappy, so I figured I'd stay with my dad for a while.

Edward Cullen: And now you're unhappy.

Isabella Swan: ...no.

Edward Cullen: I'm sorry, I'm just - I'm just trying to figure you out, you're very difficult for me to read.

Isabella Swan: Hey did you get contacts?

Edward Cullen: No.

Isabella Swan: Your eyes were, black the last time I saw you, and now they're like, golden brown...

Edward Cullen: Yeah I know it's the uh, it's the flourescents, um. Ugh.

[walks away]

Isabella Swan: Hey dad I have a date with Edward Cullen.

Charlie Swan: He's a little old for ya, isn't he?

Isabella Swan: No, uh, he's a junior I'm a junior. I thought you liked the Cullens.

Charlie Swan: I thought you didn't like any of the boys in town.

Isabella Swan: Edward doesn't live in town, technically. He's right outside.

Charlie Swan: He is?

Isabella Swan: Yeah he wanted to meet you, officially.

Charlie Swan: Alright,

[cocks gun]

Charlie Swan: bring him in.

Isabella Swan: Could you be nice? He is - he's important.

[Charlie draws invisible circle around his head, as to be a halo]

Isabella Swan: Do you do this a lot?

Edward Cullen: Just the past couple of months. I like watching you sleep. I find it fascinating.

Isabella Swan: [freaking out] You can't leave me!

Edward Cullen: Shh... Where else would I go?

[he leans in to kiss her forehead]

[notices Mike Newton dancing against a tree]

Charlie Swan: Looks like the Newton boy's got a big smile for ya'.

[Edward enters Bella's room via her window]

Isabella Swan: [flustered] Mom, can I talk to you later?

Renee Dwyer: Come on, we gotta talk boys! Are you being safe?

[Bella quickly hangs up the phone, embarrassed]

Jessica Stanley: You guys should keep Bella company. Umm... her date bailed.

Eric Yorkie: What date?

Mike Newton: Look at you, huh?... You're ALIVE!

Edward Cullen: What's in Jacksonville?

Isabella Swan: How did you know about that?

Edward Cullen: You didn't answer my question.

Isabella Swan: Well, you don't answer any of mine so... I mean, you don't even say hi to me.

Edward Cullen: [pause] Hi.

Dr. Carlisle Cullen: [to Rosalie, after she is tagged "out"] "Nice kitty!"

Isabella Swan: You know everybody's staring?

Edward Cullen: Not that guy

[points]

Edward Cullen: ... uh... no he just looked.

Edward Cullen: I'm breaking all the rules now anyway. Since I'm going to hell...

[puts arm around Bella]

Edward Cullen: [to Bella before going into the prom after Jacob leaves] I leave you alone for two minutes and the wolves descend.

Mike Newton: You and Cullen huh?

[bella nods]

Mike Newton: I don't like it. He looks at you like... you're something to eat.

Isabella Swan: How did you get in here?

Edward Cullen: The window.

Isabella Swan: Do you do that a lot?

Edward Cullen: Just the past couple of months.

Edward Cullen: Was that as weird for you as it was for me?

Isabella Swan: I don't know.

[looks at the graduation caps on the wall]

Isabella Swan: Graduation caps?

Edward Cullen: Yeah private joke. We matriculate a lot.

Isabella Swan: [to Edward, her back to him] You're impossibly fast. And strong. Your skin is... pale white, and ice cold. Your eyes change color... and sometimes you speak like - like you're from a different time. You never eat or drink anything; you don't go into the sunlight.

[pause, silence]

Isabella Swan: How old are you?

Edward Cullen: Seventeen.

Isabella Swan: How long have you been seventeen?

Edward Cullen: ...a while.

Isabella Swan: I know what you are.

Edward Cullen: Say it... out loud. Say it.

Isabella Swan: Vampire.

Edward Cullen: Are you afraid?

Isabella Swan: [turns to face him] ... no.

Edward Cullen: Then ask me the most basic question: What do we eat?

James: You're alone... because you're faster than the others. But not stronger...

Edward Cullen: I'm strong enough to kill you.

Edward Cullen: Uh, yeah this is my room.

Isabella Swan: ...No bed?

Edward Cullen: Ah no i don't, i don't sleep.

Isabella Swan: Ever?

Edward Cullen: No, not at all.

Isabella Swan: Ok, hmmm, boy you have so much music, what were you listening to.

Edward Cullen: It's Debussy.

Isabella Swan: Clair de Lune is great.

Edward Cullen: [Edward spins Isabella around and she gives him a look] What?

Isabella Swan: I can't dance.

Edward Cullen: [laughs]

Isabella Swan: ...

Edward Cullen: Hmm... Well, I could always make you.

Isabella Swan: I'm not scared of you.

Edward Cullen: [laughs] Well you really shouldn't have said that.

Edward Cullen: [he jumps out his bedroom window and lands on a tree] You better hold on tight spidermonkey!

Edward Cullen: [he climbs up tree]

Edward Cullen: Do you trust me?

Isabella Swan: In theory.

Edward Cullen: Then close your eyes.

Edward Cullen: [Jumps to next tree and climbs to top]

Edward Cullen: [Bella gasps] What?

Isabella Swan: This isn't real. This kind of stuff just doesn't exist.

Edward Cullen: It does in my world.

Isabella Swan: [to Edward] Can I talk to you for a minute?

Edward Cullen: [Edward walks away for Carlisle and Rosalie cause he was talking to them and walks over to Bella] What?

Isabella Swan: [to Edward] How, how did you get over to me so fast?

Edward Cullen: I was standing right next to you Bella.

Isabella Swan: No. You were next to your car, across the lot.

Edward Cullen: No I wasn't.

Isabella Swan: Yes you were.

Edward Cullen: Bella you hit your head. I think you're confused.

Isabella Swan: I know what I saw.

Edward Cullen: And what exactly was that.

Isabella Swan: You- you stopped the van. You pushed it away with you hand.

Edward Cullen: Well, nobody's going to believe you so.

Isabella Swan: I wasn't going to tell anybody. I just need to know the truth.

Edward Cullen: Cant you just thank me and get over it.

Isabella Swan: Thank you.

Edward Cullen: You're not going to let this go are you?

Isabella Swan: No.

Edward Cullen: Well then i hope you enjoy disappointment.

Laurent: I believe this belongs to you.

[Laurent tosses the ball back to Carlistle, who catches it easily]

Dr. Carlisle Cullen: Thank you.

Laurent: I am Laurent, and this is Victoria, and James.

Dr. Carlisle Cullen: I'm Carlisle, this is my family

Laurent: Hello.

Dr. Carlisle Cullen: I'm afraid your hunting activities have caused something of a mess for us.

Laurent: Our apologies. We didn't realize this territory had been claimed.

Dr. Carlisle Cullen: Yes, well. We maintain a permanent residence nearby.

Laurent: [slightly amused] Really? Well, we won't be a problem any more. We were just passing through.

Victoria: [smiles smugly] The humans were tracking us, but we led them east. You should be safe.

Dr. Carlisle Cullen: Excellent.

Laurent: So, could you use three more players?

[Carlisle looks around warily]

Laurent: [gives a friendly smile] Oh, come on. Just one game.

Dr. Carlisle Cullen: [glances in Edward's direction] Sure, why not? A few of us were leaving, you can take their place. We'll bat first.

[Carlisle tosses the ball back to Laurent]

Victoria: [catches ball in front of Laurent's face] I'm the one with the wicked curve ball.

Jasper Hale: Oh, I think we can handle that.

Edward Cullen: My family, we're different from others of our kind. We only drink animal blood, but it's your scent. It's like a drug to me. It's like you're my own personal brand of heroin.

Isabella Swan: Why did you hate me so much when we met?

Edward Cullen: I did, only because of wanting you so badly. I still don't know if I can control myself.

Isabella Swan: I know you can.

Isabella Swan: Edward, I said leave me alone.

Edward Cullen: Bella, don't do this please.

Isabella Swan: Its over. Get out!

Charlie Swan: Hey, hey, Bella, whats gong on?

Isabella Swan: I just gotta get out of here. I'm leaving now.

[shuts the door on Charlie's face]

Charlie Swan: [knocks on Bellas door] Bella.

Isabella Swan: [to Edward] What am I going to say to him? I cant hurt him.

Charlie Swan: Bella, whats going on?

Edward Cullen: You just have to. I'll be down in the truck.

[Bella comes out of the room]

Charlie Swan: Did he hurt you?

Isabella Swan: No.

Charlie Swan: Break up with you or something?

Isabella Swan: No, I-I broke up with him.

Charlie Swan: I thought you liked him?

Isabella Swan: Yea, that's why - that's why I have to leave. I don't want this. I have to go home.

Charlie Swan: Home... Your mom is not even in Phoenix.

Isabella Swan: She'll come home. I'll call her from the road.

Charlie Swan: You're not going to drive home right now. You can sleep on it. If you still feel like going in the morning, I'll take you to the airport.

Isabella Swan: N-No I want to drive. It will give me more time to think. And if I get really tired, I'll pull into a motel. I promise.

Charlie Swan: Look, Bella, I know I'm not that much fun to be around but I can change that. We can do more stuff together.

Isabella Swan: Like what? Like watch baseball on the flat screen? Eat at the diner every night? Steak and cobbler. Dad, that's you, that's not me.

Charlie Swan: Bella, come on. I-I just got you back.

Isabella Swan: Yeah, and you know if I don't get out now, I'll just be stuck here like mom.

Edward Cullen: Do you trust me?

Isabella Swan: In theory.

Edward Cullen: I can't ever lose control with you.

Isabella Swan: About three things I was absolutely positive: First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was a part of him-and I didn't know how dominant that part might be-that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.

Isabella Swan: [Edward jumps down off the roof of Bella's truck] Could you act human? Okay, I have neighbors.

Edward Cullen: I'm gonna take you to my place tomorrow.

[Pulls dent in Bella's truck back into correct place]

Isabella Swan: Thanks... Er, wait, like with your family?

Edward Cullen: Yeah.

Isabella Swan: W-what if they don't like me?

Edward Cullen: So you're worried, not because you'll be in a house full of vampires, but because you think they won't approve of you?

[laughs]

Isabella Swan: [unsmiling] I'm glad I amuse you.

James: [catches Bella's scent from across the field] Ah... you brought a snack.

Edward Cullen: [to Bella as they sense the trackers arriving] Put your hair down.

Rosalie Hale: [scoffing] Like that'll work. I can smell her from across the field.

Edward Cullen: Shh... Shh... I'm here.

Isabella Swan: We can't be apart.

Edward Cullen: Where else would I go?

Isabella Swan: [to Esme, as Rosalie hits the baseball almost as loud as the thunder crash] Okay, now I see why you need the thunder.

[Bella watches Rosalie hurtle around the bases like a runaway express train]

Isabella Swan: But it's gotta be a home run, right?

Esme Cullen: [shakes her head] Edward's very fast.

Jasper Hale: What is it? What do you see?

Alice Cullen: The tracker. He just changed course.

Jasper Hale: Where will it take him, Alice?

[Grabs Alice a pen and paper]

Alice Cullen: Mirrors. A room full of mirrors.

[starts to sketch never looking down at the paper]

Isabella Swan: Edward said the visions weren't always certain...

Jasper Hale: She sees the course people are on while they're on it. If they change their minds, the vision changes.

Edward Cullen: What's in Jacksonville

Isabella Swan: How did you know about that?

Edward Cullen: You didn't answer my question

Isabella Swan: Well, you don't answer any of mine so... and, you don't even say hi to me

Edward Cullen: Hi

Isabella Swan: Are you gonna tell me how you stopped the van?

Edward Cullen: Yeah. I had an adrenaline rush. It's very common. You can google it

Isabella Swan: Floridians. That what's in Jacksonvill...

Edward Cullen: At least would you watch where you walk?

Edward Cullen: Look, I'm sorry if I'm being rude all the time. I think it's the best way.

Edward Cullen: Shall we?

Isabella Swan: You're serious?

Edward Cullen: Oh, why not?

Isabella Swan: [sighs] Hmm.

Edward Cullen: See? You're dancing.

Isabella Swan: [giggles] At prom. Edward why did you save me? You should've just let the venom spread. I could be like you by now.

Edward Cullen: You don't know what you're saying. You don't want this.

Isabella Swan: I want YOU. Always.

Edward Cullen: I'm not gonna end your life for you.

Isabella Swan: I'm dying already. Every second I get closer, older.

Edward Cullen: That's the way it's supposed to be.

Isabella Swan: Alice said she saw me like you. I heard her.

Edward Cullen: Her visions change.

Isabella Swan: Yeah, based on what people decide. I've decided.

Edward Cullen: [somewhat bitterly] So that's what you dream about, becoming a monster.

Isabella Swan: I dream about being with you, forever.

Edward Cullen: Forever?

[Bella nods]

Edward Cullen: And are you ready right now?

Isabella Swan: [hesitant] Yes.

Edward Cullen: [sighs] Is it not enough, just to have a long and happy life with me?

Isabella Swan: [after a second of thought] Yeah. For now.

Isabella Swan: [voiceover] No one will surrender tonight, but I won't give in. I know what I want.

Dr. Carlisle Cullen: You've got to make a choice, Edward, to prevent the change from happening.

Edward Cullen: no... NO!

Alice Cullen: It's gonna happen, Edward. I've seen it.

Dr. Carlisle Cullen: It doesn't have to be that way. She still has what she has.

Dr. Carlisle Cullen: [to Alice, about Bella's broken leg] Give me a hand... take your belt off.

[Alice takes her belt off]

Edward Cullen: Carlisle, what's my other options?

Dr. Carlisle Cullen: [to Alice] tie it above my hand

[Alice ties it above his hand]

Edward Cullen: CARLISLE!

Dr. Carlisle Cullen: [to Alice] go Alice, go!

Dr. Carlisle Cullen: [to Edward] Try suck the venom out.

Edward Cullen: you know i won't be able to stop!

Dr. Carlisle Cullen: Then find the will... or choose. She only has minutes left.

Edward Cullen: [to Bella] I'll make it go away, Bella. I'll make it go away.

Charlie Swan: ...your hair's longer

Isabella Swan: Hmm? I cut it since the last time I saw you.

Charlie Swan: Oh. I guess it grew out again.

Isabella Swan: It's like diamonds... you're beautiful.

Edward Cullen: Beautiful? This is the skin of a killer, Bella... I'm a killer.

Isabella Swan: I don't believe that.

Edward Cullen: That's because you believe only the lies... the camouflage. I'm the world's most dangerous predator, Bella. Every thing about me invites you in. My voice, my face, even my smell. As if I would need any of that... as if you could out run me... as if you could fight me off. I'm designed to kill.

Isabella Swan: I don't care.

Edward Cullen: I've killed people before.

Isabella Swan: It does not matter.

Edward Cullen: I wanted to kill you at first. I've never wanted a human's blood so much, before.

Isabella Swan: I trust you.

Edward Cullen: Don't.

Esme Cullen: [wraps her arm around Bella's shoulders] Bella, I'm glad you're here. We need an umpire.

Emmett Cullen: [walking past, tossing a ball in his hands] She thinks we cheat.

Esme Cullen: I know you cheat.

Isabella Swan: So what are they really?

Jacob Black: It's just a story, Bella.

Billy Black: See, I told you she'd love it. I'm down with the kids.

Charlie Swan: Oh, yeah, dude. You're the bomb.

Edward Cullen: I don't know.

Edward Cullen: I just wanna try one thing.

Edward Cullen: Be very still... don't move.

Alice Cullen: [Looks up at the sky thoughtfully] It's time.

[first lines]

Isabella Swan: [voiceover] I'd never given much thought to how I would die... But dying in the place of someone I love seems like a good way to go.

Isabella Swan: [first lines in the movie] I've never given much thought to how I would die. But dying in the place of someone I love seems like a good way to go. So, I can't bring my self to regret the decisions to leave home. I would miss Phoenix, I would miss the heat... I would miss my loving, erratic, hare-brained mother, and her new husband.

Phil Dwyer: Come on, guys! I love you both, but we have a plane to catch!

Isabella Swan: But they want to go on the road. So, I'm gonna spend some time with my dad... and this will be a good thing... I think.

Eric Yorkie: Whoa whoa! Chillax! No feature!

James: [speaking to Bella, after breaking her leg in the ballet studio] Tell Edward how it hurts! Tell him to avenge you! Tell him! TELL HIM!

Eric Yorkie: LaPush, baby! You in?

Isabella Swan: Should I know what that means?

Dr. Carlisle Cullen: [comes through hospital doors] I heard the Chief's daughter was in here.

Charlie Swan: Dr. Cullen.

Dr. Carlisle Cullen: Charlie. I got this one, Jackie. So, Isabella.

Isabella Swan: [correcting him] Bella.

Dr. Carlisle Cullen: Well, Bella. It looks like you took quite a spill. How do you feel?

Isabella Swan: Fine.

Dr. Carlisle Cullen: Look here.

[Carlisle holds up a finger, shining a small light into Bella's eyes]

Dr. Carlisle Cullen: You might experience some post-traumatic stress, and some disorientation, but your vitals looks good. No sign of any head trauma. I think you'll be just fine.

Tyler Crowley: [miserably] I'm so sorry, Bella. I'm really...

[Charlie grabs the curtain separating Bella's bunk from Tyler's, and draws it closed]

Isabella Swan: [talking to Carlisle as he writes on the clipboard] You know, it would've been a whole lot worse if Edward wasn't there. He knocked me out of the way.

Charlie Swan: [to Carlisle] Edward? Your boy?

Isabella Swan: Yeah, it was amazing. He got to me so fast! He was nowhere near me.

Dr. Carlisle Cullen: Sounds like you were very lucky. Charlie?

[Carlisle nods at Charlie, and walks away]

Edward Cullen: You're like my own personal brand of heroin.

Isabella Swan: How did you get in here?

Edward Cullen: The window.

Isabella Swan: Do you do that a lot?

Edward Cullen: Just the past couple of months I like watching you sleep.

Waylon Forge: Well hello.

James: Nice jacket.

Waylon Forge: Who are you?

James: Always the same inane questions... 'Who are you?'

Victoria: 'What do you want?'

James: 'Why are you doing this?'

Laurent: James... let's not play with our food.

Eric Yorkie: Yeah, hey! La Push, baby! You in?

Isabella Swan: Should I know what that means?

Mike Newton: La Push Beach down at the Quileute Rez. We're all going tomorrow.

Jessica Stanley: Yeah, there's a big swell coming down.

Eric Yorkie: and I don't just surf the Internet.

[Pretends to surf]

Jessica Stanley: Eric, you stood up once, and it was a foam board.

Angela Weber: But there's whale watching, too. Come with us.

Eric Yorkie: La Push, baby. It's La Push.

Isabella Swan: Okay, I'll go if you stop saying that, okay?

Mike Newton: Seriously, dude. It's creepy, man.

Eric Yorkie: What? That's what it's called.

Edward Cullen: Chief Swan? I wanted to formally introduce myself. I'm Edward Cullen.

Charlie Swan: [shakes hands] Hi, Edward.

Edward Cullen: Bella won't be out too late tonight. She's just gonna play baseball with my family.

Charlie Swan: Baseball?

Edward Cullen: Yes, sir. That's the plan.

Charlie Swan: [stifles an amused chuckle] Bella's gonna play baseball. Well... good luck with that.

Isabella Swan: What happened? Where's James?

Edward Cullen: We took care of it. And the woman, Victoria, she ran off.

Isabella Swan: I'm alive because of you.

Edward Cullen: No, you're in here because of me. The worst part of it was that I thought I wasn't gonna be able to stop.

Isabella Swan: You did stop.

Edward Cullen: Bella, you gotta go to Jacksonville. So I can't hurt you anymore.

Isabella Swan: What?

[panicking]

Isabella Swan: Are you? No! No! How? I don't even know what you're saying. What are you talking about? You just want me to go away? No! I can't! I can't just leave you.

Edward Cullen: I know.

Isabella Swan: We can't be apart. You can't leave me.

Edward Cullen: I'm here.

Isabella Swan: [fighting tears] Okay, just don't. You can't say stuff like that to me. Ever.

Edward Cullen: Where else am I gonna go?

Renee Dwyer: Bella?

Isabella Swan: [wakes up in a hospital room] Mom?

Renee Dwyer: Hey.

Isabella Swan: Where is he? Where's Edward?

Renee Dwyer: He's asleep. He never leaves. And your dad is down in the cafeteria.

Isabella Swan: What happened?

Renee Dwyer: Well, when you fell you broke your leg. And you lost a lot of blood. You don't remember any of this, do you?

Isabella Swan: No.

Renee Dwyer: Edward came down with his dad to try to convince you to come back to Forks. You went over to their hotel and you tripped and you fell down two flights of stairs. Went through a window.

Isabella Swan: Yeah, that sounds like me.

Renee Dwyer: Oh honey. I'm so sorry.

[cell phone buzzes]

Renee Dwyer: It's Phil. He's so worried about you.

Isabella Swan: You're texting?

Renee Dwyer: Finally, yeah. I told him to stay down in Florida. Oh honey you are going to love Jacksonville. It's sunny every day and we found the cutest little house and you have your own bathroom.

Isabella Swan: I still wanna live in Forks.

Renee Dwyer: What?

Isabella Swan: I wanna live in Forks.

Renee Dwyer: Well, okay but we'll talk about it.

Edward Cullen: I'll take care of her, Chief Swan.

Charlie Swan: Uh-huh. I've heard that before.

[stops Bella]

Charlie Swan: Uh, Bells. I put a new can of pepper spray in your bag.

Isabella Swan: [scoffs] Dad.

Charlie Swan: And, um, you look beautiful.

Isabella Swan: Thanks. See ya.

Jacob Black: Bella!

Isabella Swan: Jacob? Hey!

Jacob Black: [noticing Bella's dress] Nice.

Isabella Swan: You too. Are you crashing the prom or something? Did you come with a date?

Jacob Black: No. My dad paid me to come talk to you. 20 bucks.

Isabella Swan: Well, let's hear it.

Jacob Black: Just don't get mad, okay? He wants you to break up with your boyfriend. It's just, he said quote 'we'll be watching you.'

Isabella Swan: [responding to Jacob's laughter] Okay, well tell him thanks. And to pay up.

Edward Cullen: No measure of time with you will be long enough. But we'll start with forever.

Charlie Swan: You're ready?

Bella Swan: Yeah. Just don't let me fall, Dad.

Charlie Swan: Never.

Edward Cullen: It's crushing you, from the inside out.

Edward Cullen: I'll meet you at the altar.

Bella Swan: I'll be the one in white.

Edward Cullen: [frantically trying to revive Bella] Come back to me, please, baby.

Edward Cullen: [to Jacob] I think you may be right.

[to everyone]

Edward Cullen: Jacob just had an idea.

Jacob Black: It wasn't an idea. It was more of a snide comment.

Dr. Carlisle Cullen: What were you thinking?

Jacob Black: [smirks] That it's just looking for someone to sink it's teeth into.

Bella Swan: He's thirsty.

Emmett Cullen: I know the feeling...

Edward Cullen: Jacob imprinted. They can't hurt her. Whoever a wolf imprints on can't be harmed. It's their most absolute law.

Alice Cullen: [Doing Bella's make-up] What did I say about beauty sleep?

Bella Swan: Sorry. Bad dream. Maybe it was just wedding jitters.

Rosalie Hale: [to Alice] Do you need some help? I could do her hair.

Bella Swan: Really?

Rosalie Hale: Please. I'm not offended by your choice of groom.

Bella Swan: Just my blatant lack of respect for mortality.

Rosalie Hale: Essentially.

Alice Cullen: Weddings, they bring everyone together!

Edward Cullen: Come back to me please, baby. Please Bella...

Renée: [after getting Bella and Edwards wedding invitation] Phil, It's happening!

Charlie Swan: Edward will be a good husband. I know this because I'm a cop, I know things. Like how to hunt somebody to the ends of the earth

[people laugh]

Charlie Swan: and I know how to use a gun.

Emmett Cullen: I'd like to propose a toast, to my new sister. Bella, I hope you've got enough sleep these last 18 years 'cause you won't be getting anymore for a while.

[smiles and laughs]

Charlie Swan: [on the phone with Bella] Well, you sound better.

Bella Swan: I am. I feel much better.

Charlie Swan: This whole thing must have put a kink in the whole honeymoon, huh?

Bella Swan: You could say that.

Charlie Swan: Otherwise, married life treating you okay? Edward still walks on water and all that?

Bella Swan: Yeah, but I mean, it is different now.

Charlie Swan: The important thing is that you're better and that you're coming home soon, right?

Bella Swan: Okay, Dad I don't want you to freak out.

[pauses]

Bella Swan: But I'm going to a medical center in Switzerland.

Charlie Swan: What? No, no, no you're not. You're not going to Switzerland! What are you? You said you were better!

Bella Swan: I am.

Charlie Swan: No, Bella. I'm getting on a plane. No!

Bella Swan: No, it's really more of a spa. And I'm sure that I'd be better by the time you got there anyway.

Charlie Swan: Bells, I don't know.

Bella Swan: Dad, don't come. And picture me healthy. Like I'm sitting on the couch with you eating pizza or something.

Charlie Swan: You want me to visualize?

Bella Swan: They say that it helps. Just picture me like that. Like I was. It'll make me feel better. Dad, I gotta go. Okay?

Charlie Swan: Bella.

Bella Swan: I love you.

[hangs up phone]

Jacob Black: You're gonna make her drink that?

Dr. Carlisle Cullen: [pours blood into a drinking glass] It's the fastest way to test the theory.

Jacob Black: [moves away from Bella] I think I'm gonna be sick.

Jacob Black: You look terrible.

Bella Swan: Yeah, it's nice to see you too.

Seth: How cool is this? A two-man pack. Two against the world.

Jacob Black: You're getting on my nerves, Seth.

Seth: Right. Shutting up. Can do.

Edward Cullen: Well, what's a wedding without some family drama?

Charlie Swan: Are those graduation caps?

Renée: Huh... How creative!

Charlie Swan: Or weird.


	2. Chapter 1 And So it Begins

Jacob Black: Don't do that.

Bella Swan: What?

Jacob Black: Smile like I'm your favorite person on the world.

Bella Swan: You're one of them. It feels complete when you're here, Jake.

Jacob Black: So it's a bouncing baby boy? Sorry I didn't know, I should have brought some blue balloons.

Jacob Black: You kill her, you kill me.

Edward Cullen: It's an extraordinary thing to meet someone who you can bare your soul to, and who'll accept you for what you are. I've been waiting for what seems like a very long time to get beyond what I am. And with Bella, I feel like I can finally begin.

Bella Swan: Are you okay? Being here?

Jacob Black: Why? Afraid I'll trash your party?

[hears growling in the woods]

Jacob Black: You're not the only one. You think I'd be used to telling you goodbye by now. Come on, you're not supposed to be the one crying, Bella.

Bella Swan: Everyone cries at weddings.

Jacob Black: This is how I'm gonna remember you. Pink cheeks, two left feet, heartbeat.

Bella Swan: So what, soon I'm gonna be dead to you?

Jacob Black: No. I'm sorry, I'm just trying to appreciate your last night as a human.

Bella Swan: Well, it's not my last night.

Jacob Black: I thought you?

Bella Swan: I didn't really want to spend my honeymoon writhing in pain.

Edward Cullen: Just checking for cold feet.

Bella Swan: Well, mine are toasty warm.

Edward Cullen: It's not too late to change your mind.

Bella Swan: What? Now you're having second thoughts?

[studies Edward's face]

Bella Swan: You are.

Edward Cullen: No. I've been waiting a century to marry you, Miss Swan.

Bella Swan: But? But?

Edward Cullen: I haven't told you everything about myself.

Bella Swan: [sarcastically] hat? You're not a virgin?

[laughs with Edward]

Bella Swan: Look, you can't scare me away now.

Edward Cullen: Look, a few years after Carlisle created me I rebelled against him. I resented him for curbing my appetite. So for a while I went off on my own. I wanted to know how it felt to hunt. To taste human blood. All the men I killed were monsters. And so was I.

Bella Swan: Edward, they were all murderers. You probably saved more lives than you took.

Edward Cullen: Bella, that's what I told myself. But they were all human beings. I looked into their eyes as they died and I saw who I was and what I was capable of.

Bella Swan: And what I'll be capable of. Why did you tell me this tonight? Did you really think this was going to change my mind about you?

Edward Cullen: I just wondered if it would change your mind about yourself and who you want to see when you look in the mirror a year from now.

Bella Swan: I know I can do this.

[first lines]

Bella Swan: Childhood is not from birth to a certain age. And at a certain age, the child is grown and puts away childish things. Childhood is the kingdom where nobody dies.

Alice Cullen: [watching Bella walk in high heels] Um, well you just have to break them in.

Bella Swan: I've been breaking them in. For three days. Can I just go barefoot?

Alice Cullen: No! Absolutely not.

Bella Swan: Just thinking it's a little much, you know? The dress and the shoes, and all of this.

Alice Cullen: No, it's exactly enough. Tomorrow will be perfect.

Emmett Cullen: [carrying tree trunk] Where do you want them, boss?

Alice Cullen: On either side of the aisle.

Rosalie Hale: What aisle?

Alice Cullen: Does no one have vision?

Renée: Alice? Bella?

Bella Swan: In here, mom.

Renée: [sees Bella ready for her wedding] Oh my gosh! You're so beautiful! Oh, honey. Crap! My mascara.

[gets Kleenex from Alice]

Renée: Thanks! Charlie, get in here!

Charlie Swan: You sure? I don't wanna.

[to Bella's surprise]

Charlie Swan: I know, I look hot.

Renée: We thought you needed something blue.

Charlie Swan: And something old besides your mother.

Renée: Nice.

Charlie Swan: It was Grandma Swan's.

Renée: But we added the sapphires.

Bella Swan: It's beautiful, you guys. Wow. Thank you so much.

[gives hairpiece to Alice]

Renée: It's your first family heirloom. Pass onto your daughter, and her daughter.

Bella Swan: Mom, I love it.

Seth: Hey man! It's nice to see you.

[shakes Edward's hand]

Seth: I'm happy for you.

Edward Cullen: Thank you.

Billy: I hope you'll be happy, Bella.

Bella Swan: Thank you, Billy. Have you heard from him?

Billy: I'm sure Jake wishes you the best.

Esme Cullen: I'd like to thank Renée and Charlie for bringing such a wonderful person into the world and into our lives. We will cherish and protect her forever.

Bella Swan: What is that?

Emmett Cullen: [from outside] Come on! Let's go!

Edward Cullen: I'm late for my bachelor party.

Emmett Cullen: Send him out, Bella, or we're coming in after him.

Bella Swan: So this party. Will there be strippers?

Edward Cullen: [laughs] No, just a couple of mountain lions. Maybe a few bears.

Jasper Hale: Don't worry, Bella, we'll give him back in plenty of time.

Bella Swan: Okay, go before they break my house.

Emmett Cullen: Let's go! Let's go!

Jessica: So, you think Bella's gonna be showing?

Angela: Jess, she is not pregnant!

Jessica: [sarcastically] Okay. Who else gets married at 18?

Jacob Black: It's not like you're gonna have a real honeymoon with him anyway.

Bella Swan: It's gonna be as real as anyone else's.

Jacob Black: That's a sick joke. You are joking.

[raises voice]

Jacob Black: What? While you're still human? You can't be serious, Bella. Tell me you're not that stupid!

Bella Swan: I mean, it's really none of your business.

Jacob Black: No, you can't do this!

[grabs Bella]

Bella Swan: Jake.

Jacob Black: Listen to me, Bella.

Bella Swan: [yells] Let me go!

Edward Cullen: Jacob, calm down. Alright?

Jacob Black: [yelling] Are you out of your mind? Huh? You'll kill her!

Seth: Walk away, Jacob!

Sam Uley: Enough, Jacob.

Jacob Black: Stay out of this, Sam.

Sam Uley: You're not going to start something that we'll have to finish.

Jacob Black: She'll die.

Sam Uley: She's not our concern anymore.

Bella Swan: [to herself] Don't be a coward.

Edward Cullen: Do you wanna go for a swim?

Bella Swan: Yeah, that sounds nice. I could use a few human minutes.

Edward Cullen: Don't take too long, Mrs. Cullen.

Bella Swan: Okay.

Bella Swan: Dad.

Charlie Swan: Well, it's gonna be strange you not living under my roof.

Bella Swan: Yeah. It's gonna be strange for me, too.

Charlie Swan: You know it will always be your home, right?

Bella Swan: [nods] I love you, Dad. Forever.

Charlie Swan: I love you too, Bells. I always have and I always will.

Edward Cullen: How badly are you hurt?

Bella Swan: What?

Edward Cullen: No, Bella, look.

[shows bruises on her body]

Edward Cullen: Bella, I can't tell you how sorry I am.

Bella Swan: I'm not! Really, I'm not. I'm fine.

Edward Cullen: Don't say you're fine. Just don't.

Bella Swan: No, you don't. Don't ruin this.

Edward Cullen: I've already ruined it.

Bella Swan: Why can't you see how perfectly happy I am? Or was five seconds ago. I mean now I'm sort of pissed off, actually.

Edward Cullen: You should be angry with me.

Bella Swan: I mean, we knew this was going to be tricky, right? I think we did amazing. I mean, it was amazing for me.

Edward Cullen: That's what you're worried about? That I didn't enjoy myself?

Bella Swan: I know it's not the same for you, but for a human I can't imagine that it gets any better than that.

Edward Cullen: Last night was the best night of my existence.

Bella Swan: You're the best.

[kisses Edward]

Bella Swan: You're not gonna touch me again, are you?

[Edward touches her face]

Bella Swan: You know that's not what I mean.

Edward Cullen: Let me make you breakfast.

Jacob Black: Maybe they'll say she was in a car crash. Or tripped and fell off a cliff. At least I'll get one thing out of it.

Sam Uley: No you won't. Cullens are not a danger to the town or the tribe.

Jacob Black: Well, he's either going to kill her or change her. And the treaty says.

Sam Uley: [interrupts] I say, Jacob. I say.

Embry: You know if you wanted things different you should have become alpha.

Jacob Black: Turning it down seemed like a good idea at the time.

Seth: Jake, you really think you could kill Bella if she comes back a vampire?

Leah: No. He'd make one of us do it and then hold a grudge against us.

Jacob Black: Shut up, Leah.

Leah: Would you just get over it? It's not like you've imprinted on her.

Seth: At least they seem happy.

Embry: Yeah, some people are just lucky I guess.

Jacob Black: Lucky? None of them belong to themselves anymore. And the sickest part is their genes tell them they're happy about it.

Leah: At least if you imprinted on someone you'd finally forget about Bella. I mean, being any kind of happy is better than being miserable about someone you can't have.

Edward Cullen: Bella? You having a nightmare?

Bella Swan: No. It was just a dream. It was a really good dream.

Edward Cullen: Then why are you crying?

Bella Swan: Because I wanted it to be real.

Edward Cullen: Tell me.

[Bella puts her hand around Edward's neck and starts to kiss him passionately]

Edward Cullen: Bella, I can't.

Bella Swan: Please. Please?

Edward Cullen: [sees Bella vomiting] Bella?

Bella Swan: Hey, don't come in here. You don't need to see this.

Edward Cullen: In sickness and health, remember?

Bella Swan: It must have been the chicken. Could you grab my bag?

[stares at a box of unopened tampons]

Edward Cullen: What is it?

Bella Swan: How many days has it been since the wedding?

Edward Cullen: Fourteen. Why?

[scoffs]

Edward Cullen: Will you tell me what's going on?

Bella Swan: I'm late. My period, it's late.

Edward Cullen: [note to Bella] I've gone to the mainland to hunt. I'll be back before you wake.

Bella Swan: You're late.

Edward Cullen: Bella, these are our housekeepers, Gustavo and Kaure.

[in Portuguese]

Edward Cullen: This is my wife, Bella.

Gustavo: Excuse me.

[leaves fearfully with Kaure]

Edward Cullen: Well, I guess we just leave them to it.

Bella Swan: What was that all about?

Edward Cullen: She's afraid for you.

Bella Swan: Why?

Edward Cullen: Because I have you here all alone.

Bella Swan: You means she knows about you?

Edward Cullen: She suspects. She's native Ticuna. They have legends about blood-drinking demons who prey on beautiful women.

[kisses Bella]

Kaure: [fearfully to Edward] No sir!

Gustavo: [carrying broken bed frame] Hey!

Billy: Hey son.

Jacob Black: What's going on?

Billy: Bella called him.

Charlie Swan: Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. You okay?

Jacob Black: So you finally heard from Bella?

Charlie Swan: They're extending their trip. Seems she caught a bug. They wanna wait until she feels better before they travel.

Jacob Black: She's sick.

Charlie Swan: Yeah, she told me not to worry but she sounded. I don't know, off.

Sue Clearwater: She'll be okay, Charlie. Come on, let's eat.

Billy: [stops Jacob] Jacob, let it go.

Rosalie Hale: [answers phone] Hello?

Bella Swan: Rosalie.

Rosalie Hale: Bella? What's going on?

Bella Swan: I need your help.

Edward Cullen: Jacob, I need to talk to you.

Jacob Black: I always knew you'd destroy her.

Edward Cullen: She thinks Carlisle can turn her at the last minute, like he did for me and Esme.

Jacob Black: Can he?

Edward Cullen: Probability is slight. And if her heart fails.

[pauses]

Edward Cullen: Look, Jacob, I need you to do something for me. For her. You have a connection with her that I'll never understand. Maybe you could talk to her, change her mind. You can keep her alive.

Jacob Black: And if I can't?

Edward Cullen: If she dies you get what you always wanted. To kill me.

Rosalie Hale: This is none of your business, dog!

Esme Cullen: Rose! All this fighting isn't good for Bella.

Alice Cullen: The fetus isn't good for Bella!

Rosalie Hale: Say the word, Alice. Baby. It's just a little baby.

Jasper Hale: Possibly.

Jacob Black: If Sam comes after Bella, are you really ready to fight your own brothers? Your sister?

Seth: If it's the right thing to do.

Jacob Black: Whatever. I'm gonna go give the Cullens a heads up.

Bella Swan: Rose, I'm fine. Really.

[Rosalie leaves]

Bella Swan: So Edward sent you in here to talk to me?

Jacob Black: Sort of. Though I can't figure out why he thinks you'd listen to me. I mean, you never have before. Since when are you and blondie BFF's?

Bella Swan: Rose understands what I want.

Jacob Black: What are you thinking, Bella? Seriously.

Bella Swan: I know this seems like a scary thing, but it's not. It's like this miracle or something. I can feel him.

Jacob Black: [scoffs] So it's a bouncing baby boy? I'm sorry I didn't know. Should've brought some blue balloons.

Bella Swan: It's just a guess. When I picture him I see a boy. We'll see.

Jacob Black: You won't.

Bella Swan: Jake, I can do this. I'm strong enough.

Jacob Black: Come on. You can spout that crap to your bloodsucker, but you don't fool me. I can see what that thing's doing to you. It's a killer, Bella.

Bella Swan: You're wrong.

Jacob Black: And when you die, what was the point? Of me loving you, you loving him. How is that right for anyone? Because I sure don't see it. Listen to me, Bella. Please? Just don't do this. Live, okay? Please.

Bella Swan: Jake, everything's gonna be okay.

[Jacob begins to walk away]

Bella Swan: Jacob, don't go.

Jacob Black: I know how this ends. And I'm not sticking around to watch.

Jacob Black: Carlisle, you've gotta do something.

Bella Swan: No! It's not his decision. It's not any of yours.

Bella Swan: [answers phone] Alice.

Alice Cullen: Bella? Are you alright?

Bella Swan: I'm not 100% sure.

Alice Cullen: Why? What's wrong? I just.

Bella Swan: You just what? Alice, what did you see?

Alice Cullen: Here's Carlisle.

Dr. Carlisle Cullen: Bella, what's going on?

Bella Swan: I don't know.

[looks at Edward]

Bella Swan: I'm a little worried. Can vampires go into shock?

Dr. Carlisle Cullen: Has Edward been harmed?

Bella Swan: No. I know that it's impossible, but I think that I'm pregnant.

[reacts in pain]

Bella Swan: Whoa! Carlisle, I swear, something just moved inside me.

Edward Cullen: [takes phone] Is this even possible?

Dr. Carlisle Cullen: I don't know.

Bella Swan: What's he saying?

Dr. Carlisle Cullen: The sooner Bella is here the sooner we can find out what it is. I need you to get to the mainland at once.

Edward Cullen: Yeah, yeah I will.

Edward Cullen: Damn it. Kaure's making sure you're still alive.

Kaure: [in Portuguese] What did you do with her?

Edward Cullen: What do you know about this?

Kaure: I know that you are a demon! You killed this little girl!

Bella Swan: What?

Edward Cullen: [to Bella] Her people have legends. She might have seen this before.

[to Kaure in Portuguese]

Edward Cullen: Please. Tell me how to help her.

Kaure: You only do bad.

Edward Cullen: I am begging you. I will do anything. I love her. Please? Tell me how she can survive this.

Kaure: [feels Bella's abdomen] Death.

Edward Cullen: I'm not gonna let it hurt you. Carlisle will get that thing out.

Bella Swan: Thing?

Bella Swan: Jake, is that you?

Jacob Black: She's here?

Dr. Carlisle Cullen: They came home two weeks ago.

[going after Jacob]

Dr. Carlisle Cullen: Jake.

Bella Swan: I'm glad you came.

Rosalie Hale: Close enough.

Jacob Black: What's your problem?

Bella Swan: Rose, it's okay.

Jacob Black: [sighs] You look terrible.

Bella Swan: Yeah. It's nice to see you, too.

Jacob Black: So, you gonna tell me what's wrong with you?

Bella Swan: Rose, you wanna help me up?

Jacob Black: [sees Bella's pregnant stomach and charges Edward] You did this!

Dr. Carlisle Cullen: We didn't know it was even possible.

Jacob Black: What is it?

Dr. Carlisle Cullen: I'm not sure. Ultrasounds and needles won't penetrate the embryonic sac.

Alice Cullen: I can't see it, either. And I can't see Bella's future anymore.

Dr. Carlisle Cullen: We've been researching legends, but there isn't much to go on. What we do know is that it's strong and fast growing.

Jacob Black: Why haven't you done anything? Take it out of her!

Jacob Black: Sam's lost the element of surprise and he doesn't want to take you on outnumbered, so he's not gonna come at you head on. He's got the place surrounded and he'll wait for his opportunity.

Emmett Cullen: We won't get through without a fight.

Dr. Carlisle Cullen: No fights. We won't be the ones to break the treaty.

Jacob Black: The treaty is void, at least in Sam's mind.

Esme Cullen: Not in ours.

Emmett Cullen: Carlisle, no one's hunted for weeks.

Esme Cullen: We'll make do.

Dr. Carlisle Cullen: You've done us a great service, Jacob. Thank you.

Alice Cullen: If I could only see the fetus.

Rosalie Hale: The baby.

Alice Cullen: Maybe I could figure out what it wants.

Dr. Carlisle Cullen: Your rib is cracked, but there are no splinters. You haven't punctured anything.

Edward Cullen: Yet.

Dr. Carlisle Cullen: Edward.

Edward Cullen: It's breaking her bones now. It's crushing you from the inside out. Carlisle, tell her what you told me. Tell her.

Bella Swan: Carlisle, tell me. It's alright.

Dr. Carlisle Cullen: The fetus isn't compatible with your body. It's too strong. It won't allow you to get the nutrition you need. It's starving you by the hour. I can't stop it and I can't slow it down. At this rate, your heart will give out before you can deliver.

Bella Swan: Then I'll hold on as long as I can and then.

Dr. Carlisle Cullen: [interrupts] Bella. There are some conditions that even venom can't overcome. You understand? I'm sorry.

Bella Swan: Edward, I'm sorry.

Edward Cullen: I can't live without you.

Bella Swan: You won't. You're gonna have a part of me. He'll need you.

Edward Cullen: Do you honestly think that I could love it or even tolerate it if it killed you?

Bella Swan: It's not his fault. You have to accept what is.

Edward Cullen: [yells] Because you've given me no choice! Bella, we're supposed to be partners. Remember? But you decided this on your own. You've decided to leave me.

Bella Swan: Don't see it that way!

Edward Cullen: Well I have no other way to see it. 'Cause it's me who will lose you. And I don't choose that. I don't choose that.

[leaves angrily]

Jacob Black: I know they're out there somewhere, but I can't hear them anymore. It's so quiet.

Leah: I stopped hearing them, too, the second I decided to leave. It's nice.

Jacob Black: You know you can't stay here.

Leah: But I don't have any place

Jacob Black: [interrupts] I can't trust you with the Cullens. You hate them too much. You don't even like me.

Leah: I don't have to. I just have to follow you.

Jacob Black: Look, Seth doesn't want you here. Neither do I.

Leah: Being unwanted isn't exactly a new thing for me. Look, I'll stay out of your way. I'll do whatever you want except go back to Sam's pack and be the pathetic ex-girlfriend he can't get away from. You don't know how many times I wished I could imprint on someone. Anyone.

Jacob Black: Just to break the connection.

Edward Cullen: I'm sorry I've been so angry.

Bella Swan: I would be, too.

Edward Cullen: I've left you alone in this.

Bella Swan: Marriage.

Edward Cullen: Well, they say the first year is the hardest.

[confused]

Edward Cullen: Who was that?

Bella Swan: What?

Edward Cullen: I thought I heard. Just say something else.

Bella Swan: Like what? Edward, what's going on?

Edward Cullen: It likes the sound of your voice.

Bella Swan: You can hear him?

Edward Cullen: In mind. It likes my voice as well.

Bella Swan: What? What do you hear?

Edward Cullen: It's so strange. I thought he was like me, but he's not. He's like you. Good a pure. He's happy.

Bella Swan: [talks to her stomach] Of course you are. Of course you're happy. How could you not be?

[crying]

Bella Swan: I love you so much. What do you hear now?

Edward Cullen: He loves you, Bella.

Rosalie Hale: Can't we come up with something just a little more classic?

Bella Swan: [to Jacob] Hey. Are you okay?

Jacob Black: Yeah, it's not like I'm the one carrying a demon.

Rosalie Hale: This is pretty important, Bella. Why don't you tell Jacob what you've decided.

Jacob Black: What now?

Edward Cullen: Rose is trying to talk Bella out of her baby names.

Bella Swan: She hates them.

Jacob Black: Well, then I'm on your side no matter what you picked.

Bella Swan: They're not that bad. If it's a boy, EJ. Edward Jacob.

Rosalie Hale: Okay fine. That one's not awful. Why don't you tell him the girl's name.

Bella Swan: I was playing around with our moms' names. Renée and Esme. And I was thinking, Renesmee.

Jacob Black: Renesmee?

Bella Swan: Too weird?

Jacob Black: Um.

Edward Cullen: No, that's not too weird. It's beautiful. And it's unique which certainly fits the situation. I like Renesmee.

Dr. Carlisle Cullen: Bella could deliver as early as tomorrow. If she's going to have any chance at all, she'll need more blood.

Esme Cullen: And you need to feed. You have to be at your strongest for her. We need to go tonight.

Jacob Black: Carlisle, you're the enemy now. Sam won't hesitate. You will be slaughtered.

Esme Cullen: Emmett will come with us.

Jacob Black: That won't be enough.

Dr. Carlisle Cullen: We have no choice, Jacob. If there's anything we can do to save her, we have to try.

Jacob Black: You'd risk your lives for her?

Esme Cullen: Of course we would! Bella's a part of our family now.

Jacob Black: Yeah, I can see that. This really is a family. As strong as the one I was born into. I know what I have to do.

Edward Cullen: Rose, let the morphine spread!

Rosalie Hale: There's no time. He's dying!

Bella Swan: Get him out now!

Jacob Black: Stay, Bella. Stay focused. Keep your heart beating!

Edward Cullen: Jacob, take the baby.

Jacob Black: Keep that away from me!

Edward Cullen: It's Renesmee.

Billy: I don't care what he's done. He's still my son.

Sam Uley: I'm sorry, Billy. I just thought you should know.

[Paul whispers to Sam]

Sam Uley: Bella's Dead. It killed her.

[to pack]

Sam Uley: Let's go!

Jacob Black: It's like gravity. Your whole center shifts. Suddenly, it's not the Earth holding you here. You would do anything, be anything she needs. A friend, a brother, a protector.

Jacob Black: [to Edward] I won't kill you. That'd be too easy. You deserve to live with this.

Jasper Hale: We're outnumbered.

Alice Cullen: By a lot.

Edward Cullen: I won't let them hurt my family.

Charlie Swan: Well I plan on getting drunk.

Edward Cullen: She shouldn't be this still.

Dr. Carlisle Cullen: It's the morphine.

Edward Cullen: Maybe I was too late.

Dr. Carlisle Cullen: No, Edward. Listen to her heart.

Jacob Black: Did Sam send you?

Leah: Sam doesn't even know I left!

[wolves start howling in the distance]

Seth: I think he just figured it out.

[last lines]

Aro: [accepting a card delivered by Bianca] Ah. It's from Carlisle. Which is spelt with an 'S,' sweet Bianca.

[Aro gestures with a finger. Demitri and Felix come up on either side of Bianca]

Aro: He's added a new member to his coven.

Marcus: Ahhh.

Caius: Increasing his power.

[Aro glances at Demitri and Felix, who grab Bianca and drag her away]

Aro: [shaking his head] First it's the spelling, then the grammar.

[Aro hands the card to Marcus]

Marcus: At least our dispute with the Cullens is over.

Aro: Over?

Marcus: Mmmm.

Aro: Goodness, no. Our dispute goes far beyond the fate of a mere human.

Caius: And what might it be?

Aro: Why brother, I thought you understood. They have something I want.

Paul: Is it true, Jake?

Quil: What will it be?

Paul: It's growing fast!

Leah: It's unnatural.

Jared: Dangerous.

Quil: Monstrosity.

Paul: An abomination!

Quil: On our land!

[the wolves all start chorusing to Jacob: 'We can't allow it!']

Sam Uley: We have to protect the tribe. What they bred won't be able to control its thirst. Every human will be in danger.

Jared: We're ready.

Leah: No time to waste!

Jacob Black: Now?

Sam Uley: We must destroy it before it's born.

Seth: You mean, kill Bella?

Sam Uley: Her decision affects us all.

Jacob Black: Bella's human. Our protection applies to her.

Leah: [snarls] She's dying anyway!

[Jacob jumps on Leah and they tussle briefly]

Sam Uley: We have real enemies to fight tonight!

Jacob Black: Tonight?

[Sam growls and lifts his head high; using his alpha wolf voice]

Sam Uley: You will fight with us, Jake.

[Sam advances, snarling. All the wolves are forced to bow their heads in submission. Jake struggles as his head is forced to bow before Sam]

Jacob Black: [struggling with all his will, he thrusts his head up] I... will... NOT! I am the grandson of Ephraim Black. I am the grandson of a CHIEF! I wasn't born to follow you, or anyone else!

Jacob Black: I need Sam to wait until Bella's been separated from the problem.

Paul: You mean 'til she's dead.

Embry: Ease up, Paul.

Paul: [angrily, to Jacob] You played us!

Bella Swan: It's my birthday, can I ask for something? Kiss me.

Bella Swan: What happened with Jasper was nothing.

Edward Cullen: Nothing compared to what could've happened. I promise never to put you through anything like this ever again. This is the last time you'll ever see me.

[He kisses her and walks away]

Edward Cullen: I love you. You're my only reason to stay alive... if that's what I am.

Bella Swan: [Noticing Jacob's physique up close] You're sort of beautiful.

Jacob Black: How hard did you hit your head?

Bella Swan: [after she flips over her motorcycle] I'm gonna go again.

Jacob Black: No. Forget it. No more bike.

Bella Swan: [feeling the blood on her forehead] I'm sorry...

Jacob Black: Bella, you're apologizing for bleeding?

Alice Cullen: It's time, it's time.

Esme Cullen: Happy Birthday, Bella.

Alice Cullen: Let's open your presents, there's a cake too.

Bella Swan: Alice, that cake could feed fifty. You guys don't even eat.

[Alice hands her a present]

Bella Swan: Thanks

[Bella drops it quickly]

Bella Swan: Ow, paper cut.

[from official site]

Edward Cullen: Every second that I'm with you is about restraint... and you're too fragile.

Jacob Black: Have you ever had a secret you couldn't tell anyone?

Jacob Black: He left you Bella! He didn't want you anymore.

Bella Swan: I have to go.

Bella Swan: I'm scared.

Alice Cullen: Bella! It's Edward. He thinks you're dead!

Bella Swan: What?

Edward Cullen: The Volturi are the closest thing my world has to royalty... they enforce the law.

Bella Swan: Vampires have laws?

Jane: This may hurt just a little.

Jessica: So, you're an adrenaline junkie now?

Felix: The girl comes with us.

Edward Cullen: You can go to hell.

Edward Cullen: You just don't belong in my world Bella.

Bella Swan: I belong with you.

Bella Swan: The absence of him is everywhere I look.

Bella Swan: There is only one way I know to see him.

Jacob Black: I know what he did to you but Bella, I want you to know I will never hurt you.

Alice Cullen: He's going to the Volturi! He wants to die too!

Alice Cullen: You are a human who knows entirely too much about us. They could kill us all.

Bella Swan: No Edward, don't.

Aro: What will we do with you now?

Marcus: You already know what you're going to do, Aro.

Caius: She knows too much. She's a liablity.

Aro: That's true...

Edward Cullen: [bends to kiss her] Happy birthday.

Bella Swan: Hmm, don't remind me.

Edward Cullen: [laughs] Bella your birthday is definitely something to celebrate.

Bella Swan: But my aging is not.

Jacob Black: I gotta go. I've got a vampire to kill.

Edward Cullen: It's my job to protect you. From everyone, except my sister.

Bella Swan: You've killed people Jake.

Jacob Black: We only kill what we are trying to protect you from, vampires.

Bella Swan: [Runs at Sam] What did you do?

Paul: Hey!

Bella Swan: What did you do to him?

Sam Uley: Hey, easy.

Embry Call: Watch it!

Bella Swan: He didn't want this!

[Hitting Paul on the chest]

Paul: Ow! But we do? What did he do, hmm? What? Did he tell you?

Sam Uley: [Holding Paul back] Both of you! Calm down.

Bella Swan: [She pushes past Sam and gets into Paul's face] Nothing! He tells me nothing because he's scared of you!

[Paul begins to laugh, along with Jared and Embry]

Bella Swan: [She becomes angry and suddenly slaps Paul across the face]

Sam Uley: [Trying to hold Paul back] Paul don't.

Jared: Too late now.

Sam Uley: Bella get back.

[Bella begins to back up slowly as she watches Paul breathe]

Sam Uley: [Paul begins to breathe deeply causing growls to escape his throat] Bella get back now. Get back.

[Paul suddenly begins to snarl like mad as he shape-shifts into his wolf form. Bella gasps as she sees this and begins to walk backwards]

Emmett Cullen: Dating an older woman? Hot.

Edward Cullen: [scoffs]

Emmett Cullen: What?

Paul: I'm sure the leech-lover is just dying to help us out!

Dr. Carlisle Cullen: Imagine the situation in reverse. If you believed you'd be destroying Edward's soul... Would you do it?

Edward Cullen: You can't trust vampires... Trust me.

Quil Ateara: So this is your girlfriend, huh?

Jacob Black: [looks around awkwardly] I said she was a girl who was a friend

Quil Ateara: [looks at Embry] Do you remember him making that distinction?

Embry Call: No I don't.

Bella Swan: It's one year older than you.

Edward Cullen: No it isn't. I'm 109.

Bella Swan: [Reading the e-mail that she's written but cannot send] Alice. You've disappeared. Like everything else. Now who else can I talk to? I'm lost. When you left, and he left, you took everything with you. But the absence of him is everywhere I look. It's like a huge hole has been punched through my chest. But In a way, I'm glad. The pain is the only reminder that he was real. That you all were.

Bella Swan: Alice. I saw him. Maybe I'm crazy now, but I guess that's okay. If a rush of danger is what it takes to see him, than that's what I'll find.

Edward Cullen: You promised you wouldn't do anything stupid or reckless.

Bella Swan: You promised it would be as if you never existed. You lied.

Bella Swan: I thought we agreed, no presents?

Charlie Swan: The one from me isn't wrapped, so it doesn't count.

Bella Swan: I've brought you something. It's a little crazy.

Jacob Black: Wowwwwww. Scrap metal.

Bella Swan: Woah, you're buff. What are you, like 16?

Jacob Black: Age is just a number baby. What are you now, 40?

Bella Swan: Dear Alice, I wish I had your real address. I wish I could tell you about Jake. He makes me feel better. I mean, he makes me feel alive. The hole in my chest... well, when I'm with Jake it's like it's almost healed for a while. But even Jake can't keep the dreams away.

Jacob Black: Quil keeps asking to come over. I think he likes you a little too much.

Bella Swan: Oh... Well... I'm not really into the whole cougar thing.

Jacob Black: What's up with you and age? I mean, how old was the Cullen guy anyway?

Jacob Black: Bella, they're not really fighting! They're cliff diving. Scary as hell, but a total rush.

Bella Swan: Rush?

Jacob Black: They think they run the place. Embry use to call them "Hall monitors on steroids" Now look at him.

Bella Swan: That's Embry?

Jacob Black: Yeah.

Bella Swan: What happened to him?

Jacob Black: He started missing school, then all of a sudden he started following Sam around like a little puppy. Same thing happened with Paul and Jared. And Sam keeps giving me this look like he's waiting for me or something. It's kinda staring to freak me out.

Bella Swan: Well, you should just avoid him.

Jacob Black: I try.

Jasper Whitlock: It would be nice to not want to kill you all the time.

Alice Cullen: Would you mind telling me how it is you're still alive?

Jacob Black: Bella, you're crossing a line.

Bella Swan: Then don't draw one.

Jacob Black: Do not get me upset. Things are gonna get very ugly!

Harry Clearwater: Don't worry about the bears Bella. My Kung Fu is strong.

Jared: These are trade secrets! She runs with vampires!

Bella Swan: You can't really run with vampires. They're very fast.

Jared: Well, we're faster. Freaked out yet?

Bella Swan: You're not the first monsters I've met.

Sam Uley: Jake's right, you're good with weird

Bella Swan: I want to go again.

Jacob Black: Are you trying to get yourself killed?

Bella Swan: I want to go again.

Jacob Black: No. Forget it. No more bikes.

Bella Swan: I'm coming with you!

Edward Cullen: Bella, I don't want you to come with me.

Bella Swan: You... You don't want me?

Edward Cullen: No.

Bella Swan: Well, that changes things. A lot.

Angela: I'm telling you, I saw something in the woods!

Eric: It's okay, baby. I believe you.

Jessica: No he doesn't. He's just trying to get lucky.

Angela: It was jet black and huge. On all fours it was still taller than a human.

Jessica: A bear, maybe?

Mike: Or an alien. You're lucky you didn't get probed.

Jessica: Yeah, like that would happen.

Angela: Well, I saw it.

Bella Swan: You know, you're not the only one. My dad's been getting reports down at the station. Something like 5 hikers been killed by a bear, but they can't find the bear.

Angela: Hm.

Eric: Hahahaha. Last time you clowns doubt my girlfriend!

Mike: So listen... Now that you're talking again... And eating... You know

[pokes Bella's stomach]

Mike: You gotta get that protein in there. You know I was just wondering if you wanted to go see a movie with me.

Bella Swan: Yeah... Sure. Yeah I do.

Mike: Okay... We could check out "Love spelled backwards is love" You know, it's a dumb title, but, um, it's a romantic comedy, it's suppose to be...

Bella Swan: No. No romance. Uh, well, how about "Face Punch" You heard of that?

Mike: Well, it's an action movie.

Bella Swan: Yeah, it's perfect. With guns... adrenaline... it's my thing.

Mike: Okay...

Bella Swan: We should get a bunch of people... You guys wanna go see "Face Punch" ?

Eric: Yeah! Hey, Mike, remember we were suppose to watch that? The trailer's all like "* Pew, pew!* Punch his face in"

Jessica: Movie night with Bellllllaaaaaaa

[Rolls eyes]

Jacob Black: So, "Face Punch", huh? You like action movies?

Mike: No, not really.

Jacob Black: I heard it sucks. Bad.

Mike: Hey... Are you even old enough to see this movie? I mean, without adult supervision?

Jacob Black: Right... Yeah. Well, she's buying my ticket for me.

Mike: Right... Okay.

Bella Swan: Well, Jessica bailed and Angela's got the stomach flu so Eric's taking care of her... It's just us three.

Jacob Black: Great...

Mike: Great...

Mike: Okay... I think I'm going to throw up!

Jacob Black: Tell me something... You like me, right?

[Bella Nods]

Jacob Black: And you think I'm sorta beautiful?

Bella Swan: Jake, please don't do this.

Jacob Black: Why?

Bella Swan: Because you're about to ruin everything. And I need you.

Jacob Black: Well, I've got loads of time. I'm not going to give up.

Bella Swan: I don't want you to. But that's just because I don't want you to go anywhere. It's really selfish. You know, I'm not like a car that you can fix up. I'm never going to run right.

Jacob Black: It's because of him, isn't it? Look, I know what he did to you. But Bella, I would never, ever do that. I won't ever hurt you. I promise. I won't let you down. You can count on me.

Mike: Well, I need to go home. I was feeling sick before the movie, okay?... What? What's your problem?

Jacob Black: You're my problem. Feeling sick? Maybe you need to go to the hospital. Do you want me to put you in the hospital?

Bella Swan: Jake, the movie's over. What are you doing? Jake... You're really hot... You feel like you have a fever. Are you okay?

Jacob Black: I don't know what's happening. I gotta go.

Mike: That dude is weird.

Charlie Swan: Look, Bella, I don't have to go fishing today.

Harry Clearwater: Yes, you do!

Bella Swan: Alice... Things are bad again. Without Jake... I can't stand it. I don't see Edward anymore. Now it really feels like he never existed. I will find a place where I can see him again.

Bella Swan: Laurent!

Laurent: I didn't expect to find you here. I went to visit the Cullens, but, the house is empty. I'm surprised they left you behind. Weren't you sort of a pet of theirs?

Bella Swan: Yeah. You could say that.

Laurent: Do the Cullens visit often?

Edward Cullen: [appearing as a vision] Lie.

Bella Swan: Yeah, absolutely. All the time.

Edward Cullen: Lie better.

Bella Swan: I'll tell them that you stopped by. I probably shouldn't tell... Edward. He's pretty protective.

Laurent: But he's far away isn't he?

Bella Swan: Why are you here?

Laurent: I came as a favor to Victoria.

Bella Swan: Victoria?

Laurent: She asked me to see if you were still under the protection of the Cullens. Victoria feels it's only fair if she kills Edwards mate, giving he killed hers. An eye for an eye.

Edward Cullen: Threaten him.

Bella Swan: Edward would know who did it! And he'd come after you.

Laurent: Oh, I don't think he will. After all, how much could you mean to him if he left you here unprotected? Victoria won't be happy about me killing you. But I can't help myself. You're so mouth-watering.

Bella Swan: Please don't. I mean, you helped us.

Laurent: Shhhh. Don't be afraid. I'm doing this out of kindness. Victoria plans on killing you slowly and briefly, where as I'll make it quick. I promise. You will feel nothing.

Bella Swan: Edward, I love you.

Bella Swan: I know those wolvess will be dead. And he'll go tell her I'm unprotected... Victoria.

Embry Call: Guess, the wolf's out of the bag.

Bella Swan: Alice, is it possible that everything's true? The fairy tales and horror stories? Is it possible that there isn't anything sane and normal at all?

Bella Swan: So, you're a werewolf?

Jacob Black: Yeah, last time I checked.

Charlie Swan: Got something, Harry?

Harry Clearwater: Nope. Nothing!

[Covers wolf print when Charlie turns around]

Edward Cullen: [Bella and Edward are discussing when Bella will be changed, Edward is speaking to Bella] I just have one condition if you want me to do it myself.

Bella Swan: What's the condition?

Edward Cullen: And then forever.

Bella Swan: That's what I'm asking.

Edward Cullen: [dramatic pause] Marry me, Bella.

Edward Cullen: Bella, don't do this.

Bella Swan: You won't stay with me any other way.

Edward Cullen: Please? For me?

Bella Swan: You wanted me to be human. Well, watch me.

Alice Cullen: Bella, what is that God awful wet dog smell?

Bella Swan: Um... That's probably me. I've... It's Jacob.

Alice Cullen: Jacob who?

Bella Swan: Jacob's kind of a werewolf.

Alice Cullen: Ugh! Bella! Werewolves are not good company to keep!

Jacob Black: Speak for yourself...

Alice Cullen: Bella it's Edward, he thinks you're dead!

Bella Swan: What?

Alice Cullen: He's going to the Volturi. He wants to die too.

Jacob Black: Please stay here. For Charlie. For me.

Bella Swan: I have to go.

Jacob Black: I'm begging you. Please.

Bella Swan: Goodbye, Jacob.

Aro: Your gift is too much to throw away. Please consider joining us.

Edward Cullen: You know what will happen anyway.

Edward Cullen: Heaven.

Bella Swan: [Bella runs into Edward in attempt to get in back in the shadows] You have to move! Open your eyes, look at me. I'm alive. You have to move!

[Edward grabs Bella and goes into the shadows]

Edward Cullen: You're here!

Bella Swan: I'm here.

Edward Cullen: [Smiles] You're alive!

Bella Swan: Yes... I needed you to see me once. You had to know that I was alive. You didn't need to feel guilty about it. I can let you go now.

Edward Cullen: I could never let go of you. I just couldn't live in a world where you didn't exist.

Bella Swan: [puzzled] But you said...

Edward Cullen: I lied. I had to lie, and you believed me so easily.

Bella Swan: [Starts crying] Because it doesn't make sense for you to love me. I'm nothing... Human. Nothing.

Edward Cullen: Bella, you're everything to me. Everything.

Edward Cullen: Bella, why don't you go enjoy the rest of the festival?

Felix: The girl comes with us.

Edward Cullen: No, you can go to hell.

Alice Cullen: Come on guys! It's a festival! We wouldn't want to cause a scene, now would we?

Felix: You wouldn't.

Aro: What a happy surprise! So Bella is alive after all. Isn't that wonderful? I love a happy ending... they are so rare.

Bella Swan: [as Aro is about to kill Edward] Please! No, no! Please! Kill me! Kill me! Not him!

Aro: How extraordinary! You would give up your life for someone like us. A vampire. A soulless monster.

Edward Cullen: Bella get away from him!

Bella Swan: [to Aro] You don't know a thing about his soul.

Bella Swan: You're here.

Edward Cullen: You can sleep. I'll still be here when you wake up.

Edward Cullen: Bella, the only reason why I left is because I thought I was protecting you. So that you could have a chance at a normal, happy life.

Bella Swan: It was so easy for you to leave.

Edward Cullen: Leaving you was the hardest thing I've done in 100 years. I swear, I will never fail you again. I'm so sorry. Charlie's coming.

Charlie Swan: Hey. You okay?

Bella Swan: I'm fine. Dad, you don't have to worry.

Charlie Swan: Yeah, last time you said that you took off and I didn't see you for three days.

Bella Swan: I'm really sorry, dad. I...

Charlie Swan: Bella, do not ever do that to me again. Ever. And you're grounded for the rest of your life.

Bella Swan: Okay.

Edward Cullen: I'm not technically breaking any of his rules. He did say never to take a step through his door, but I came in through the window. He's not going to forgive me easily.

Bella Swan: I know.

Edward Cullen: Can you? I hope you can, because, I honestly don't know how to live without you.

Bella Swan: Come here.

[Bella Kisses him]

Bella Swan: Once Alice changes me, you can't get rid of me.

Edward Cullen: She won't need to change you. There are always ways to keep the Volturi in the dark.

Bella Swan: No.

Bella Swan: You all know what I want. And I know it's a lot to ask for. The only fair way I can think of is if we put this to a vote.

Edward Cullen: Bella, you don't know what you're doing.

Bella Swan: [to Edward] Just... shut up.

Bella Swan: Alice?

Alice Cullen: I already consider you my sister... Yes!

Bella Swan: Thank you.

Jasper Whitlock: I vote yes. It would be nice not to want to kill you all the time.

Rosalie Hale: I'm sorry. I'm really sorry to both of you for how I've acted. And I'm really grateful that you were brave enough to go save my brother. But this isn't a life I would have chosen for myself. And I wish that there had been someone to vote no for me. So no.

Emmett Cullen: I vote hell yeah! We can pick a fight with the Volturi some other way.

Esme Cullen: I already think of you as part of the family. Yes!

Edward Cullen: Why are you doing this to me? You know what this means.

Dr. Carlisle Cullen: You've chosen not to live without her, which leaves me no choice. I won't lose my son.

Edward Cullen: Just give me five years and I'll change you.

Bella Swan: That's too long.

Edward Cullen: Three?

[Bella glares at him]

Edward Cullen: You're so stubborn.

Bella Swan: What are you waiting for?

Edward Cullen: I have one condition... if you want me to do it myself.

Bella Swan: What's the condition?

Edward Cullen: And then forever.

Bella Swan: That's what I'm asking.

[last lines]

Edward Cullen: Marry me, Bella.

Bella Swan: Alice, you've disappeared, like everything else. Now who else can I talk to? I'm lost. When you left, when he left, you took everything with you. But the absence of him is everywhere I look. It's like a huge hole has been punched through my chest. But in a way I'm glad, the pain was the only reminder that he was real. That you all were.

Edward Cullen: It's my job to protect you. From everyone but my sister...

Jacob Black: Age is just a number, baby.

Embry Call: [Outside Sam and Emily's house] Come on in Bella. We won't bite.

Jared: Speak for yourself.

Bella Swan: Wait, you're not leaving, you're coming back, right?

Alice Cullen: As soon as you put the dog out.

Alice Cullen: Bella!

[Alice hops over the stairway banister]

Alice Cullen: [hugging Bella] Happy Birthday!

Bella Swan: Shh, shh.

[Alice hands Bella a wrapped birthday present]

Bella Swan: I thought we agreed, no presents.

Alice Cullen: I've already seen you open it, and guess what: you love it! You're gonna wear it tonight. Our place.

[Bella balks, looking reluctant]

Alice Cullen: [begs] Come on, please? It'll be fun.

[Standing behind Alice, Jasper lowers his head and looks intently at Bella]

Bella Swan: Okay. All right.

Alice Cullen: [giddily] Great! Okay, I'll see you at seven.

[Alice skips back to Jasper, and Bella gets a look as if snapping out of something]

Bella Swan: Jasper...! No fair with the mood control thing.

Jasper Whitlock: [smiles] Sorry, Bella. Happy...

[Bella gives him a look]

Jasper Whitlock: Never mind.

Edward Cullen: So how come Jacob Black gets to give you a present and I don't?

Bella Swan: Cause I have nothing to give back to you.

Edward Cullen: Bella, you give me everything by just breathing.

Alice Cullen: I didn't think you would be opposed to grand theft auto.

Bella Swan: No, not today.

Jacob Black: Age is just a number babe. What are you now, 40?

Jacob Black: What a marshmallow!

Edward Cullen: [Last Lines] Marry me, Bella.

Edward Cullen: Bella you give me everything just by breathing.

Alice Cullen: [to Bella] Would you like to explain to me how you're alive?

Alice Cullen: Bella, what is that god awful wet dog smell?

Bella Swan: Hey, you're not going anywhere? You're going to come back, right?

Alice Cullen: As soon as you put the dog out.

Bella Swan: [after Jacob gets off of the phone with Edward] Who was that?

Jacob Black: He's always in the way.

Emily: So... You're the vampire girl...

Bella Swan: ...So you're the wolf girl.

Emily: Guess so. Well- I'm engaged to one.

Bella Swan: You can't really run with vampires... cause they're fast.

Bella Swan: [to Jacob] Please don't make me choose. Because it will be him, everytime. It's always been him.

Jacob Black: 108 degrees over here.

Bella Swan: My hands are freezing. Must be nice never getting cold.

Jacob Black: It's a wolf thing.

Bella Swan: No, it's a Jacob thing, you could be like your own sun.

Edward Cullen: You can't trust vampires. Trust me

Bella Swan: These violet delights have violent ends. And in their triumph die, like fire and powder. Which, as they kiss, consume

Jacob Black: [to Edward] You stay the hell out of my head!

Edward Cullen: Jacob, I know you have something to say to me. but I'd like to say something to you if that's alright. Thank you. Thank you for... keeping Bella alive when I didn't.

Jacob Black: No, you didn't. And it wasn't for your benefit trust me.

Edward Cullen: I'm still grateful. But I'm here now. I'm not leaving her side until she orders me away.

Jacob Black: We'll see. Hey, my turn to talk. I'm here to remind you of a key point in the treaty.

Edward Cullen: I haven't forgotten.

Bella Swan: What key point?

Jacob Black: If any of them bites a human, the truce is over.

Bella Swan: But if I choose it it has nothing to do with you.

Jacob Black: No I won't let you. you're not going to be one of them Bella!

Bella Swan: It's not up to you.

Jacob Black: You know what we'll do to you, I won't have a choice.

Jacob Black: Bella come please.

Bella Swan: No, is he going to hurt me? Read his mind.

Edward Cullen: [assures her]

Bella Swan: Jake, I love you. So please, don't make me choose. Cause it'll be him. It's always been him.

Jacob Black: [whispers] Bella?

Edward Cullen: [walks over to Bella] G'bye Jacob.

Jacob Black: [Grabs Bella's arm] No you don't speak for her!

Edward Cullen: [shoves Jacob and he phases into wolf midair. Lands and growls madly at Edward]

Edward Cullen: Bella get out of here

Jacob Black: [rushes towards Edward, teeth showing]

Bella Swan: STOP! Stop. You can't hurt each other without hurting me.

Jacob Black: [stops growling abruptly, rushes off into woods]

Bella Swan: [softly towards him] Jake!

Bella Swan: IF we're going to do this every day, and hopefully we are. We've got to fit some homework in I don't want Billy thinking i'm a bad influence.

Jacob Black: You influence me? Please.

Bella Swan: Umm I'm older then you making you the influencee and me the influencer.

Jacob Black: But my size and knowledge base makes me older then you, due to your general paleness and lack of know how.

Bella Swan: I convinced you to build two wheeled death machines don't you think that makes you kind of young and naive?

Jacob Black: Ok so where do we stand?

Bella Swan: I'm 35. You might be like 32.

Jacob Black: Oh come on.

Charlie Swan: OK, that's it.

Bella Swan: What?

Charlie Swan: Bells, you're going to Jacksonville. This behaviour, it's just not normal and frankly it's scaring the hell out of me, and your mother. Just go to Jacksonville make some new friends.

Bella Swan: I like my old friends.

Charlie Swan: Well you never see them any more.

Bella Swan: I'm going shopping with Jessica.

Charlie Swan: You hate shopping.

Bella Swan: I need a girls night out.

Charlie Swan: OK, Shopping. Good, go buy some stuff.

Jacob Black: [right before almost kissing Bella] Que Quowle

[stay with me forever]

Embry Call: Oh and get this, we can hear each others thoughts.

Jared: Would you shut up? These are trade secrets! Damnit! This chick runs with vampires!

Bella Swan: You can't really run with vampires... 'cause they're fast...

Jared: Yeah? Well we're faster. Scared yet?

Bella Swan: You're not he first monsters I've met.

Jacob Black: Oh man, your head.

Bella Swan: Oh my God I'm sorry!

Jacob Black: You're apologizing for bleeding?

Bella Swan: Yeah, I guess I am.

Jacob Black: Well it's just blood Bella, no big deal

[Jacob takes off his shirt]

Jacob Black: What're you staring at?

Bella Swan: ...You're sort of beautiful.

Jacob Black: [smiles] How hard did you hit your head?

Bella Swan: [Voiceover] These violent delights have violent ends, and in their triumph die. Like fire and powder, which as they kiss, consume.

Bella Swan: If this is about my soul, take it I don't want it with out you!

Edward Cullen: It's not about soul Bella. You're just not good for me!

Bella Swan: Not good enough for you.

Charlie Swan: I'm gonna try the Cullens place again.

Billy Black: Cullens left town Charlie.

Harry Clearwater: Good riddance.

Charlie Swan: Where'd they go?

Billy Black: We're gonna find her Charlie.

Jacob Black: Charlie!

Sam Uley: She's alright.

Charlie Swan: I got her, thank you Sam

Emmett Cullen: Already stalled it in your truck. Finally a decent sound system in that...

Bella Swan: Hey, don't hate the truck.

Bella Swan: I never wanted to have a party.

Dr. Carlisle Cullen: It's not your fault. Jasper hasn't been away from human blood as long as the rest of us.

Bella Swan: How do you do it?

Dr. Carlisle Cullen: Years and years of practice.

Bella Swan: Did you ever think of just doing it the easy way?

Dr. Carlisle Cullen: No. I knew who I wanted to be. I wanted to help people. It brings me happiness, even if I am damned regardless.

Bella Swan: Damned? Like, hell?

[Carlisle glances at Bella and says nothing]

Bella Swan: Carlisle, you couldn't be damned. You couldn't. It's impossible.

Dr. Carlisle Cullen: Thank you, Bella. You've always been very... gracious about us.

Bella Swan: [thinking] So that's it? That's why he won't change me?

Dr. Carlisle Cullen: Imagine the situation in reverse, hmm. If you believed as Edward does, could you take away his soul?

Charlie Swan: Senior year! How'd you get so old so fast?

Bella Swan: I didn't! It's not that old.

Charlie Swan: Well I don't know. Is that a grey hair?

Bella Swan: No, No way?

[runs to mirror]

Charlie Swan: Hm Happy Birthday

Bella Swan: Mm Funny

Bella Swan: Dad, I saw them!

Charlie Swan: What's the matter?

Bella Swan: In the woods!

Charlie Swan: Bells, what the hell were you doing in the woods?

Bella Swan: They're not bears! They're wolves! I mean like they're huge wolves

Harry Clearwater: Are you sure about that?

Bella Swan: I just saw them!

Charlie Swan: Ok, Harry feel like going hunting? Get some of your guys together?

Harry Clearwater: Yeah... ummm... sure... ok... I'll just...

[leaves room]

Jacob Black: Have you ever has a secret? One that wasn't yours to tell? well that's what it's like for me, only worse, you have no idea how tight I'm bound.

Bella Swan: I hate this. I hate what they've done to you.

Jacob Black: I mean the killer part is you already know. Bella do remember when we walked the beach at La Push, the story?

Bella Swan: The story, about the cold ones?

Jacob Black: Guess I understand why that's the only part you remember.

Edward Cullen: Your aging? I think eighteen is a little to young to start worrying about that.

Bella Swan: It's one year old then you.

Edward Cullen: No it's not. I'm one hundred and nine.

Bella Swan: Then maybe I shouldn't be dating such an old man. It's gross, is should be throughlly repulsed.

Jacob Black: I was just buying a part for the Rabbit. You should really come take a ride when it's done.

Bella Swan: Is it fast?

Jacob Black: It's... decent

Bella Swan: Jacob! You cut your hair off? And got a tattoo? I throught you were to sick to come outside or pick up the phone when I call.

Jacob Black: Go Away!

Bella Swan: What

Jacob Black: Go Away!

Bella Swan: What happened to you? Did Sam do this to you?

Jacob Black: No Sam's trying to help me! Don't blame him! But if you want to blame someone blame your little bloodsucking friends of yours, The Cullens

Bella Swan: [to Jacob] Hello biceps. You know, anabolic steroids are really bad for you.

Bella Swan: I thought you couldn't protect me here.

Jacob Black: Guess I don't care.

Alice Cullen: [incredulous] Well, *I'm* not gonna hurt her.

Jacob Black: No, you're just a harmless Cullen. I'm talking about the other bloodsucker who tried to kill Bella because of you.

Alice Cullen: [turning to Bella] Victoria?

Bella Swan: Yeah, Victoria's been around.

Alice Cullen: I didn't see her. I didn't see you get pulled out of the water, either.

[Alice turns and looks distastefully at Jacob]

Alice Cullen: I can't see past you and your pack of mutts.

Jacob Black: [moves toward Alice] Don't get me upset.

Bella Swan: [runs between Jacob and Alice] Hey, stop. Stop, stop, stop.

Jacob Black: ...or things are gonna get very ugly.

Bella Swan: You promised me.

Jacob Black: Yes. I promised I was never going to hurt you, and this is me keeping that promise. Go home, and don't come back, or else you're going to get hurt.

Edward Cullen: You can't trust vampires. Trust me.

Aro: Your gift is too much to throw away. Please consider joining us.

Edward Cullen: You know what will happen anyway.

Marcus: Not without cause.

Bella Swan: [voice-over] These violent delights have violent ends. and in their triumph die like fire and powder. Which, as they kiss, consume.

Aro: What a happy surprise! Bella is alive after all! I love happy endings, they are so rare.

Bella Swan: If we're going to keep doing this, and I hope we are... we've got to fit some homework in there. I don't want Billy thinking I'm a bad influence.

Jacob Black: You influence me? Please.

Bella Swan: Are you... I'm older than you so that makes me the influencer and you the influencee.

Jacob Black: Hah! No. No. No. My size and knowledge actually makes me older than you because of your general paleness and lack of know-how.

Bella Swan: I convinced you to build two wheel death machines with me. Don't you think that makes you kinda young and naive.

Jacob Black: Okay. So where do we stand?

Bella Swan: I'm 35 and you might be like 32.

Jacob Black: What? Come on.

Bella Swan: [slams into him, attempting to push him inside] Don't!

Edward Cullen: [stroking her hair, eyes closed] Heaven.

Bella Swan: [out of breath, panting] You have to move! Open your eyes, look at me. I'm alive! You have to move!

Edward Cullen: Bella.

[pulls her inside, holding her close]

Edward Cullen: You're here.

Bella Swan: [quietly, out of breath] I'm here.

Edward Cullen: [smiling] You're alive!

Bella Swan: Yes.

[hesitates]

Bella Swan: I needed to make you see me once. You had to know I was alive, but you didn't need to feel guilty about anything. I can... let you go now.

Edward Cullen: I never acted out of guilt. I just couldn't live in a world where you don't exist.

Bella Swan: But you said...

Edward Cullen: I lied. I had to lie. And you believed me so easily.

Bella Swan: Because it doesn't make sense for you to love me. I'm... nothing, human... nothing.

Edward Cullen: [holding her face in his hand] Bella, you're everything to me. You're everything.

[kisses her passionately]

Alec: Ah sister, they send you out for one and you get two... and a half. Such a clever girl.

Quil Ateara: So the bike building story's true?

Bella Swan: Oh yeah, I taught him everything he knows.

Quil Ateara: What about the part where you're his girlfriend?

Bella Swan: Uh, we're friends...

Embry Call: Ooh, burn!

Alice Cullen: Would you like to explain to me how your still alive?

Jacob Black: [Picks up phone] Swan residence... He's not here right now... He's arranging a funeral.

[Phone hangs up]

Marcus: You know what you have to do, Aro.

Marcus: She is a liability.

Edward Cullen: [Discussion on whether Bella should become a vampire] All right forget time limits. If you want me to be the one, then you'll just have to meet one condition.

Bella Swan: What condition?

Edward Cullen: Marry me.

Bella Swan: Okay, what's the punch line?

Edward Cullen: You're wounding my ego, Bella. I just proposed to you and you think it's a joke.

Bella Swan: O'Cmon. I'm only eighteen!

Edward Cullen: Well I'm nearly one hundred and ten. It's time I settled down.

Jacob Black: [after reviving her from the Cliff Dive] What the hell were you thinking?

Bella Swan: I just thought I saw something.

Buffy: I love you.

Spike: No, you don't. But thanks for sayin' it.

[last line of the series]

Dawn: Yeah, Buffy? What are we gonna do now?

Buffy: So, what do you guys wanna do tomorrow?

Willow: Nothing strenuous.

Xander: Well, mini-golf is always the first thing that comes to mind.

Giles: I think we can do better than that.

Buffy: I was thinking about shopping. As per usual.

Willow: Oh. There's an Arden B. in the new mall.

Xander: Oh, good. I could use a few items.

Giles: Well, now aren't we gonna discuss this? Save the world or go to the mall?

Buffy: I'm having a wicked shoe craving.

Xander: Aren't you on the patch?

Willow: Those never work.

Buffy: Never.

Giles: And here I am, invisible to the eye, not having any vote.

Xander: See, I need a new look. It's this whole eye patch thing.

Buffy: Oh, you could go with full black secret agent look.

Willow: Or the puffy shirt, pirate slash...

Giles: The Earth is *definitely* doomed.

Angel: I'm gettin' the brush off for Captain Peroxide. It doesn't necessarily bring out the champion in me.

Buffy: You're not getting the brush off. A-Are you just going to come here and go all Dawson on me every time I have a boyfriend?

Angel: Aha! Boyfriend.

Buffy: He's not. But he is in my heart.

Angel: That'll end well.

Buffy: What was the highlight of our relationship? When you broke up with me or when I killed you?

Buffy: I'm cookie dough. I'm not done baking. I'm not finished becoming who ever the hell it is I'm gonna turn out to be. I make it through this, and the next thing, and the next thing, and maybe one day, I turn around and realize I'm ready. I'm cookies. And then, you know, if I want someone to eat m- or enjoy warm, delicious, cookie me, then that's fine. That'll be then. When I'm done.

Angel: Any thoughts on who might enjoy - Do I have to go with the cookie analogy?

Buffy: I'm not really thinking that far ahead. That's kind of the point.

Angel: I'll go start working on the second front. Make sure I don't have to use it.

[starts to leave]

Buffy: Angel. I do. Sometimes, think that far ahead.

Angel: Sometimes is something.

Buffy: Be a long time coming. Years, if ever.

Angel: I ain't gettin' any older.

[Spike's final lines]

Spike: Now, go!

[Buffy runs]

Spike: I wanna see how it ends.

Caleb: [as the First] I will overrun this earth. And when my army outnumbers the humans on this earth... the scales will tip, and I will be made flesh.

Buffy Summers: Talk on. I'm not afraid of you.

Caleb: Then why aren't you asleep in your dead lover's arms? 'Cause he can't help you. Nor Faith. Nor your friends. Certainly not your wanna-slay brigade. None of those girlies will ever know real power unless you're dead. Now, you know the drill.

[the First transforms from Caleb into Buffy]

Buffy Summers: [as the First] Into every generation, a Slayer is born. One girl in all the world. She alone will have the strength and skill to... There's that word again. What you are. How you'll die... alone. Where's your snappy comeback?

Buffy Summers: You're right.

Buffy Summers: [as the First] Hmm. Not your best.

Willow: Did you find out anything about the scythe?

Buffy: It slices, dices, and makes julienne preacher.

Giles: Caleb?

Buffy: I cut him in half.

Willow: All right!

Anya: He had that coming.

Xander: Hey, party in my eye socket, and everyone's invited.

[everyone stares at Xander]

Xander: Sometimes I shouldn't say words.

Faith: It's pretty radical, B.

Giles: It's a lot more than that. Buffy, what you said, it-it-it flies in the face of everything we've ever - every generation has ever done in the fight against evil. I think it's bloody brilliant.

Buffy: You mean that?

Giles: If you want my opinion.

Buffy: I hate this. I hate being here. I hate that you have to be here. I hate that there's evil and that I was chosen to fight it. I wish a whole lot of the time that I hadn't been. I know a lot of you wish I hadn't been, either. This isn't about wishes. This is about choices. I believe we can beat this evil. Not when it comes. Not when its army is ready. Now. Tomorrow morning, I'm opening the seal. I'm going down into the Hellmouth and I am finishing this once and for all. Right now, you're asking yourself what makes this different. What makes us anything more than a bunch of girls being picked off one by one? It's true. None of you have the power that Faith and I do. So here's the part where you make a choice.

[preparing to face the onslaught of übervamps]

Anya: Oh, God. I'm terrified. I-I didn't think - I mean, I - I just figured you'd be terrified, and I would be sarcastic about it.

Andrew: Picture happy things. A lake, candycanes, bunnies...

Anya: [enraged] Bunnies! Floppy, hoppy, bunnies!

[playing Dungeon's and Dragons]

Giles: I used to be a highly respected Watcher, and now I'm a wounded dwarf with the mystical strength of a doily.

[Dawn kicks Buffy in the shin]

Buffy: Ow.

Dawn: Dumbass.

[Buffy looks at Xander]

Xander: Don't look at me. This is a Summers' thing. It's all very violent.

Buffy: [glares at Dawn] If you get killed, I'm telling.

Spike: [walks up to Buffy] Where's the trinket?

Buffy: The who-ket?

Giles: I don't understand. What did this?

[Buffy's final line]

Buffy: Spike.

Spike: I can feel it, Buffy.

Buffy: What?

Spike: My soul. It's really there. Kind of stings.

Spike: [to Buffy] Gotta move, lamb. Think it's fair to say, school's out for bloody summer.

Giles: I'll go dig up my sources - quite literally, actually. One or two people I have to speak to are dead.

Angel: I started it, the whole having a soul, before it was all the cool new thing.

Buffy: Oh, my god. Are you twelve?

Buffy: You know me, not much with the damseling.

Angel: I got coverage on the whole thing. It's very gripping. Needs a third act.

Buffy: You have to leave L.A.

Buffy: Okay, how many times do I have to kill you? Ballpark figure.

Angel: Has a purifying power or cleansing power - possibly scrubbing bubbles.

Spike: So, where's tall, dark and forehead?

Spike: Most people don't use their tongues to say hello. Or I guess they do, but...

Buffy: You know, one of these days, I'm just gonna put you two in a room and let you rassle it out.

Spike: [rifling through an empty cigarette pack] No problem at this end.

[throws away the pack]

Buffy: [her eyes widen with excitement] There could be oil of some kind involved.

Caleb: [as The First] But then, you do have an army of your own. Some thirty-odd pimply-faced girls, don't know the pointy end of a stake. Maybe I should call this off.

Spike: I'm drownin' in footwear!

[wakes up]

Spike: Weird dream.

Buffy: I just realized something, something that really never occurred to me before. We're gonna win.

Willow: This goes beyond anything I've ever done. It' a total loss of control, and not in a nice, wholesome, "my girlfriend has a pierced tongue" kinda way.

Anya: Come on, let's go assemble the cannon fodder.

Xander: That's not what we're calling 'em, sweetie.

Anya: Not to their faces. What am I, insensitive?

Willow: The darkest place I've ever been, this is what lies beyond that. This is too important for me...

Kennedy: Buffy believes in you.

Willow: You know, Buffy, sweet girl, not that bright.

Kennedy: Hey, I'm the first one to call her out when she's not making sense. In fact, this may have escaped your keen notice, but, I'm kind of a brat. I've always sort of gotten my way. So, you're gonna make it through this no matter how dark it gets, because, now, you're my way.

Andrew: We will defend it with our very lives.

Anya: Yes, we will defend it with his very life.

Xander: And don't be afraid to use him as a human shield.

Anya: Good. Yes. Thanks.

Andrew: I just wanna say how proud I am to die for this very special cause with you guys. There's some, um - There's people I'd like to thank, both good and evil. Um, a shout out to my brother, Tucker, who gave me the inspiration to summon demons and also...

Anya: Nobody cares, you little monkey.

Willow: Okay, magic time. You ready to, heh heh, kill me?

Kennedy: Starting to be.

Willow: Good. Fun.

Buffy: So here's the part where you make a choice. What if you could have that power, now? In every generation, one Slayer is born, because a bunch of men who died thousands of years ago made up that rule. They were powerful men. This woman is more powerful than all of them combined. So I say we change the rule. I say my power, should be *our* power. Tomorrow, Willow will use the essence of this scythe to change our destiny. From now on, every girl in the world who might be a Slayer, will be a Slayer. Every girl who could have the power, will have the power. Can stand up, will stand up. Slayers, every one of us. Make your choice. Are you ready to be strong?

Xander: So, did you see?

Andrew: I-I was scared. I'm sorry.

Xander: Did you see what happened? I mean, was she...

Andrew: She was incredible. She died saving my life.

Xander: That's my girl. Always doin' the stupid thing.

Dawn: We destroyed the mall? I fought on the wrong side.

Xander: All those shops, gone. The Gap, Starbucks, Toys "R" Us. Who will remember all those landmarks unless we tell the world of them?

Kennedy: I'll be with you to keep you grounded.

Willow: Yeah, well you might have to keep me "stab-ded" if I go to the bad place.

Kennedy: You're saying I might have to kill you?

Willow: I am.

Kennedy: Bite me!

Willow: I will. I mean... I do... mean it.

[Buffy has just sliced Caleb in two from the crotch up just as Angel revives from being hit on the head by Caleb]

Angel: Okay, now I'm pissed! Where is he?

Buffy: He had to split.

Buffy: [as The First] Oh no... Ow! Mommy, this mortal wound is all... itchy. You pulled a nice trick. You came pretty close to smacking me down. What more do you want?

Buffy: [through gritted teeth] I want you

[sits up]

Buffy: to get out of my face.

[stands]

Buffy Summers: Good, good. I haven't had quite enough jealous vampire crap for one night.

Spike: [about Angel] He wears lifts, you know.

Buffy Summers: You know, one of these days I'm just going to put you two in a room and let you wrassle it out.

Spike: No problem on this end.

Buffy Summers: There could be oil of some kind involved.

Andrew Wells: [about Anya] She died saving my life.

Xander Harris: That's my girl. Always doing the stupid thing.

Buffy Summers: If you get killed, I'm telling.

Spike: So where's tall, dark, and forehead?

Buffy Summers: Let me guess... you can smell him?

Spike: No, i used my enhanced vampire eyeballs to watch you kissing him.

Buffy Summers: It was a... hello

Spike: Most people don't use their tongues to say hello... or I guess the but...

Rayne: You saw the blades, what did you think was going to happen?

minion: [Gets arm cut off by Rayne's blade attack] Aahhh!

Rayne: Don't worry, they do wonders with prosthetics these days.

Rayne: [while staggering from multiple blows] And then I realized, I'm getting my ass kicked here!

Rayne: Woof. Now there is a distinctive aroma.

Severin: Can you identify it?

Rayne: Well, if I had to pick something that smelled like an 'Unraveller', this would be the one.

Rayne: Ye Gods. I think I've found the Unraveller's playroom.

Severin: Everything you hoped for?

Rayne: Oh, for sure. I know I say this all the time, but it's a real shame you're missing this one.

Rayne: [the Unraveller tears someone apart] Woah. Unraveller is not just a funny nickname. Damn.

minion: The Master-I mean, Mr. Zerenski, would prefer that all the guests remain downstairs, madam.

Rayne: The Master can blow me, monkey-suit.

Rayne: Please, but something... stronger. I never drink, Wine.

Rayne: [Crashing through window] Ugh. That's my favourite sound. Severin. What the Hell Just happened?

Xerx: What just happened to you my dear, was me.

Xerx: [after hearing Rayne out] You don't know me? Why I am Xerx... Grand Inquisitor!

Rayne: Severin?

Severin: Yes he's on the list... Your half brother, Xerx is like, three down from the top... don't you ever read anything?

Rayne: [Cough's] Fuck off!

Rayne: Xerx, baby... Your meat.

minion: We're looking for a hot, big breasted, red headed Dhampir, it's not like there's thirty of them around here!

Severin: Good. If they HAVE broken through, that's where it is. If not, get ready to say hi to a whole city's worth of homeless, junkies and hookers.

Rayne: Heck, I'm always ready for that.

Severin: Not your style, Rayne, but you'll want to be a little cautious, okay?

[Rayne gives him the finger as she starts up a flight of stairs]

Severin: Oh, that's real nice. BOTH hands on the stair rail, please.

Rayne: Softball season is looking pretty grim.

Rayne: I'm going on my own.

Rayne: [to Kagan] I would sooner rot in your dungeon than sit at your table!

Rayne: I thought they would be afraid of me.

Rayne: Finally, we agree on something.

Rayne: It was part of my plan. I am tiring you out.

Rayne: [to Billy the Kid] Big speech... small guns... you tryin' to compensate for somethin'?

Frankenstein's Monster: Let me go!

Carl: Where are you going to go? I don't know if you've looked in the mirror lately, but you kind of stick out in a crowd.

Count Vladislaus Dracula: Igor... Do unto others...

Igor: Before they do it unto me!

Top Hat: I see the Wolfman hasn't killed you yet.

Van Helsing: Don't worry. He's getting to it.

Carl: Why does it smell like wet dog in here?

Van Helsing: [running past him] Werewolf!

Carl: Oh! You'll be needing silver bullets then.

[he produces a box of bullets and throws them to Van Helsing, rather deftly]

Van Helsing: Well done!

Anna Valerious: He's the first one to kill a vampire in over a hundred years. I'd say that's earned him a drink.

Aleera: Anna, my love. It is your blood that shall keep me beautiful. What do you think of that?

[laughs triumphantly, then screams as Anna catches a silver stake and impales her through the chest]

Anna Valerious: I think if you're going to kill somebody, kill them! Don't stand around talking about it!

Carl: Here, take this.

[he hands Van Helsing a bag, then begins to fill it]

Carl: Rings of garlic... holy water... silver stake... crucifix...

[they pass two monks test-firing a Gatling gun]

Van Helsing: Why can't I have one of those?

Van Helsing: Now, Carl, whatever you do, don't stare at him.

[he opens the coach door, revealing the Frankenstein Monster shackled into the seat, struggling and snarling]

Carl: I'm staring at him.

[quickly turns away]

Carl: Is that a man?

Van Helsing: Actually, it's seven men. Parts of them, anyway.

Anna Valerious: For me this is all personal. It's all about family and honor. Why do you do it? What do you hope to get out of it?

Van Helsing: Oh, I don't know. Maybe some self-realization.

Anna Valerious: And what have you got out of it so far?

Van Helsing: Nightmares.

[after Van Helsing's first, failed attempt to kill Dracula]

Anna Valerious: A silver stake? A crucifix? What, did you think we haven't tried everything before? We've shot him, stabbed him, clubbed him, sprayed him with holy water, staked him through the heart, and STILL he lives! Do you understand? No-one knows how to kill Dracula!

Van Helsing: Well, I could have used that information a little earlier.

[Carl hands Van Helsing his latest invention, an automatic crossbow]

Carl: A work of certifiable genius.

Van Helsing: If you don't say so yourself.

Carl: Well, I did say so myself.

[drinking a freshly-killed man's blood from a glass]

Aleera: Thirty years old... perfectly aged.

Anna Valerious: We Transylvanians always look on the brighter side of death.

Van Helsing: There's a brighter side of death?

Anna Valerious: Of course. It's just harder to see.

[stalking the werewolf through the streets]

Van Helsing: Who's hunting whom?

Van Helsing: [looking around for the werewolf] It's a little late for digging graves, isn't it?

Top Hat: It's never too late to dig graves. You never know when you'll need a fresh one...

[when Van Helsing turns around, he suddenly swings his shovel at Van Helsing's head. Van Helsing catches the handle and points his gun in Top Hat's face]

Top Hat: Oh, sorry! It's just... my nature.

Anna Valerious: Dwergi!

Van Helsing: Dwergi?

Anna Valerious: Dracula's servants. Industrious, but extremely vicious. If you get a chance to kill one, do it, because they'll do worse to you.

[seeing Dracula's children hatch and fly through the castle]

Van Helsing: This is where I come in!

Dr. Victor Frankenstein: I'll take him away, far away, where no-one will ever find him.

Count Vladislaus Dracula: Oh, no, Victor. The time has come for me to take command of him.

Dr. Victor Frankenstein: What are you saying?

Count Vladislaus Dracula: Why do you think I brought you here, gave you this castle, equipped your laboratory?

Dr. Victor Frankenstein: You said... you said you believed in my work.

Count Vladislaus Dracula: And I do. But now that it is, as you yourself have said, "A triumph of science over God", it must now serve my purpose.

Anna Valerious: Oh, my God! The Frankenstein Monster!

Frankenstein's Monster: Monster! Who's the monster here? I have done nothing wrong, yet you and your kind still wish me dead!

[Van Helsing and Anna are both hanging off the sides of the carriage, hanging over the cliff. While the Monster is chained in his seat, Carl starts to pull Anna in, but Van Helsing's grip starts to fail]

Frankenstein's Monster: I can help!

Carl: You won't kill me?

Frankenstein's Monster: Only if you don't hurry!

[Van Helsing and Carl break into a mausoleum to hide the unconscious Monster]

Carl: I'm sure this is some kind of sin.

Van Helsing: Don't worry, God will forgive us.

Carl: Now, you won't turn into a werewolf until your first full moon. That's two days from now. So we have 48 hours to find a solution. But you'll still be able to fight Dracula's hold over you until the final stroke of midnight.

Van Helsing: Sounds like I have nothing to worry about.

Carl: Oh, my God, you should be terrified!

Van Helsing: Thank you.

Carl: Sorry.

Frankenstein's Monster: You've been bitten. Bitten by a werewolf. Now you will become that which you have hunted so passionately.

[Van Helsing takes out a tranquilizer blowgun]

Van Helsing: I am sorry...

Frankenstein's Monster: May others be as passionate in the hunting of you.

Van Helsing: If you're late, run like hell.

[Anna turns away, but he grabs her back]

Van Helsing: Don't be late.

Van Helsing: Bless me, Father, for I have...

Cardinal Jinette: Sinned! Yes, I know. You're very good at that. You shattered the Rose Window!

Van Helsing: Well, not to split hairs, sir, but it was Mr. Hyde who did the shattering...

Cardinal Jinette: 13th Century. Over six hundred years old! I wish you a week in hell for that!

Van Helsing: It would be a nice reprieve.

Cardinal Jinette: Don't get me wrong. Your results are unquestionable, but your methods attract far too much attention. Wanted posters? We are not pleased.

Van Helsing: Do you think I like being the most wanted man in Europe? Why don't you and the order do something about it?

Cardinal Jinette: Because we do not exist.

Van Helsing: Well, then neither do I.

[he gets up angrily, but the Cardinal presses a button, dropping a set of bars over the confessional's exit]

Cardinal Jinette: When we found you crawling up the steps of this church, half dead, it was clear to all of us that you had been sent to do God's work.

Van Helsing: Why can't he do it Himself?

Cardinal Jinette: Don't blaspheme! You already lost your memory as a penance for past sins. If you wish to recover it, I suggest you continue to heed the call.

Aleera: Did I scare you?

Carl: No.

Aleera: Then maybe I need to try... a little harder.

[Van Helsing appears to free the Monster]

Frankenstein's Monster: What are you doing? You must find the cure!

Van Helsing: My friends are doing it for me.

Frankenstein's Monster: Friends...

Van Helsing: Yes. You want one?


	3. Chapter 2 Introduction

[Van Helsing transforms into a werewolf, the one thing that can kill Dracula]

Count Vladislaus Dracula: We are both part of the same great game, Gabriel! But we need not find ourselves on opposing sides of the board...

[the Werewolf roars. Dracula transforms into a giant bat, and attacks him]

Van Helsing: Bless me father for I have...

Cardinal Jinette: Sinned! Yes, I know. You're very good at it. You shattered the Rose Window.

Van Helsing: Well, not to split hairs, but it was Mr. Hyde who did the shattering.

Cardinal Jinette: Thirteenth century. Over six hundred years old! I wish you a week in hell for that.

Van Helsing: It would be a nice reprieve.

Cardinal Jinette: Don't get me wrong. Your results are unquestionable, but your methods attract far too much attention. Wanted posters. We are not pleased.

Van Helsing: Do you think I like being the most wanted man in Europe? Why don't you and the order do something about it?

Cardinal Jinette: Because we do not exist.

Van Helsing: Well then neither do I.

Cardinal Jinette: When we found you crawling up the steps of this church, half dead, it was clear to all of us that you had been sent to do God's work.

Van Helsing: Why can't He do it Himself?

Van Helsing: Now that I have your attention.

Frankenstein's Monster: [hanging from a rope] Help! Help me!

Carl: But you're supposed to die!

Frankenstein's Monster: I want to live!

Carl: ...All right.

Anna Valerious: Some say you're a murderer, Mr. Van Helsing. Others say you're a holy man. Which is it?

Van Helsing: It's a bit of both, I think.

[Dracula sees Igor poking the werewolf with a cattle prod]

Count Vladislaus Dracula: Igor!

Igor: Yes, Master?

Count Vladislaus Dracula: Why do you torment that thing so?

Igor: It's what I do.

Van Helsing: That's why you're coming with me.

Carl: The hell be damned that I am.

Van Helsing: You cursed. Not very well, mind you, but you're a monk. You shouldn't curse at all.

Carl: Actually, I'm still just a friar. I can curse all I want, dammit.

Van Helsing: You're a genius!

Carl: A genius with access to unstable chemicals!

Igor: Please, don't kill me!

Van Helsing: Why not?

Igor: Well, um... I... um... uh...

Carl: [about his invention] I know what it's for! I know what it's for!... Where are we going?

Van Helsing, Anna Valerious: Through that window!

Anna Valerious: What do you want?

Frankenstein's Monster: To exist.

Van Helsing: My life... my job... my curse... is to vanquish evil.

Van Helsing: This thing... man... whatever it is... evil may have created it, left its mark on it... but evil does not rule it. So I cannot kill it.

Carl: [after saving the woman from the vampire children] They've all died.

Barmaid: Oh, thank you! You saved me.

[kisses him on the cheek]

Barmaid: How can I repay you?

[Carl leans in and whispers something in her ear]

Barmaid: But you can't do that! You are a monk!

Carl: Actually, I'm a just a friar.

Carl: Are you always this popular?

Van Helsing: Pretty much.

Van Helsing: There's something down here, it's carnivorous. Whatever it is it appears to be... human. I'd say it's a size 17, about 360 pounds, 8 and a half to 9 feet tall and he has a bad gimp in his right leg and, ah, 3 copper teeth.

Anna Valerious: How do you know he has copper teeth?

Van Helsing: 'Cause he's standing right behind you.

[shouts]

Van Helsing: Move!

Carl: You've never gone after vampires before, have you?

Van Helsing: Vampires, gargoyles, warlocks, they're all the same - best when cooked well.

Van Helsing: The Cardinal has ordered you to keep me alive.

[he throws the bag back to Carl, then walks past him]

Van Helsing: For as long as possible.

Carl: But I'm not a field man! Van Helsing, I don't want to go to Transylvania!

[last lines]

Carl: She's dead.

Mr. Hyde: You're a big one. You'll be hard to digest.

Van Helsing: I'd hate to be such a nuisance.

Van Helsing: Dr. Jekyll, you're wanted by the Knights of the Holy Order...

Mr. Hyde: It's Mr. Hyde, now!

Van Helsing: for the murder of twelve men, six women, four...

Mr. Hyde: [laughing] Four children, three goats, and a rather nasty massacre of poultry!

Mr. Hyde: So, you're the great Van Helsing.

Van Helsing: And you're a deranged psychopath.

Mr. Hyde: We all have our little problems.

Van Helsing: Now, my superiors would like for me to take you alive, so that they might extricate your better half.

Mr. Hyde: [laughing] I'll bet they bloody would.

Van Helsing: Personally, I'd rather just kill you and call it a day. But let's make it your decision, shall we?

Mr. Hyde: [pretends to think] Hmm, do let's.

[attacks him]

Van Helsing: [to a captive Igor] If they even suspect you of misleading them...

[he demonstrates a wicked-looked set of pliers in front of Igor's face, then hands them to Anna]

Van Helsing: Clip off one of his fingers.

Anna Valerious: I'll clip off something.

Anna Valerious: [while looking at the cure for the werewolf curse] Go ahead, grab it.

Carl: Why don't you go ahead and grab it? If there's one thing I've learned, it's never to stick your hand into a viscous material.

Van Helsing: Carl, I need you to do something

Carl: I'm not gonna like this am I?

[first lines]

Dr. Victor Frankenstein: It's alive. It's alive. It's alive!

Verona: Feed, my darlings! Feed!

Aleera: I want first bite!

Van Helsing: To have memories of those you have loved and lost is perhaps harder than to have no memories at all.

Van Helsing: He's not your brother anymore, Anna!

Anna Valerious: You knew?

Van Helsing: Yes.

Anna Valerious: Before or after I stopped you from shooting him?

Van Helsing: Before.

Anna Valerious: And still you tried to kill him!

Van Helsing: He's a werewolf. He's going to kill people!

Anna Valerious: It's not his fault! He can't help it!

Van Helsing: I know, but he's going to do it anyway!

Count Vladislaus Dracula: You can't kill me, Victor.

[Dracula pushes himself onto the sword Dr. Frankenstein is wielding]

Count Vladislaus Dracula: I'm already dead.

Anna Valerious: [after Van Helsing has killed the Werewolf] You killed him!

Van Helsing: Now you see why people call me a murderer.

Frankenstein's Monster: Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil. I *will* have my vengeance!

Anna Valerious: You make my skin crawl.

Count Vladislaus Dracula: This is not all I can do with your skin.

Count Vladislaus Dracula: [kisses/mouths Anna's neck]

Carl: So you can remember everything about your life from the last seven years, but nothing before that?

Van Helsing: Not now, Carl.

Carl: There must be something?

Van Helsing: [dead serious] I remember fighting the Romans at Masada.

Carl: That was in 73 A.D.

Van Helsing: You asked.

Van Helsing: You're going to take them and lead them to the antidote.

Igor: No, I'm not!

[Van Helsing grabs Igor with his werewolf strength and throws him violently against the wall]

Igor: Yes, I am.

Marishka: Too bad, so sad.

Verona: Stop your teasing Marishka and finish him!

Van Helsing: I have to pull the bolts off... this is going to hurt!

Frankenstein's Monster: I am accustomed to pain...

Van Helsing: It lets you know you're alive!

Van Helsing: I missed you in London.

Mr. Hyde: No, you bloody did not!

[shows Van Helsing a bullet wound]

Mr. Hyde: You got me good.

[approaching the entrance to Castle Dracula]

Carl: Do we have a plan? I mean, it doesn't have to be Wellington's at Waterloo, but some kind of plan would be nice.

Van Helsing: We're going to go in there and stop Dracula.

Anna Valerious: And kill anyone who gets in our way.

Carl: [quickly turns around] Well, you let me know how that goes...

[Dracula's minions have taken all of Frankenstein's equipment to castle Dracula]

Anna Valerious: Then we've lost.

Carl: Dracula can't bring them to life until the sun sets. We still have time.

Anna Valerious: "Time"? The sun sets in two hours, and we've been searching for his lair for over 400 years!

Carl: I wasn't around for those 400 years, was I?

Anna Valerious: You! Turn around. Let me see your faces.

Van Helsing: Why?

Anna Valerious: Because we don't trust strangers.

Anna Valerious: Show me your faces!

Van Helsing: Why?

Anna Valerious: Because we don't trust strangers.

Top Hat: Strangers don't last long here.

Villager: He killed a vampire!

Carl: Isn't that a good thing?

Top Hat: The Vampires only take what they need to survive. Maybe two or three a month... but now they will kill for revenge!

Carl: [shouts] Vampires!

[jumps up and then looks at the couch where the barmaid he had just made love to is]

Carl: Now I remember.

Count Vladislaus Dracula: Hello, Gabriel.

[grinning to himself]

Count Vladislaus Dracula: You don't remember me? Allow me to refresh your memory I am Count Vladilaus Dracula, we have some history you and I.

Dr. Victor Frankenstein: I could never allow him to be used for such evil.

Count Vladislaus Dracula: I could. In fact, my brides are insisting on it.

Carl: [after reading something from a book in the tower in the Valerious Manner] Well, that's interesting...

[hearing something, he goes to the window and sees hundreds of pygmy bats flying past]

Carl: Oh, that's not good! Must... warn... somebody!

Count Vladislaus Dracula: There, there, my lovelies. Do not worry, I shall find another bride.

[Dracula's brides are appalled]

Verona: What?

Verona: Have you no heart?

Count Vladislaus Dracula: No! I have no heart, I feel no love. Nor fear, nor joy, nor sorrow. I am hollow... and I will live forever.

Aleera: Oh, my lord...

Verona: It is not so bad.

[Dracula's mood changes on a dime, and he begins to laugh]

Count Vladislaus Dracula: I'm at war with the world! And every living soul in it! But soon... the final battle will begin.

Aleera: Do we mean so little to you?

[said before Verona asks if Dracula has no heart]

Count Vladislaus Dracula: Success!

Dr. Victor Frankenstein: Oh Count, it's just you.

[sighs in relief]

Count Vladislaus Dracula: I was beginning to lose faith, Victor.

[looks down at the angry mob]

Count Vladislaus Dracula: A pity your moment of triumph is being spoiled over a little thing like grave robbery.

Count Vladislaus Dracula: How does it feel to be a puppet on my string?

Verona: Marishka! Kill the stranger!

Marishka: Love to!

[Upon seeing a baby vampire for the first time]

Van Helsing: So this is what you get when vampires mate.

Dr. Victor Frankenstein: Good God... I would kill myself before helping in such a task.

Count Vladislaus Dracula: Feel free. I don't actually need you anymore, Victor. I just need him... he is the key.

Count Vladislaus Dracula: [after feeling Marishka die] if it's not the Christians, it's the Moors! Why can't they just leave us alone. We never kill more than our fill. And less than our share. Can they say the same?

Count Vladislaus Dracula: [Dracula's bride cower in fear] No, no, no. Do not fear me, everybody else fears me. Not my brides.

Marishka: Why can't we just let the Werewolf kill her?

Verona: Never trust a man to do a woman's job.

Count Vladislaus Dracula: I can tell the character of a man by the sound of his heartbeat.

[claps his hand in a rhythm of a heartbeat]

Count Vladislaus Dracula: Usually when I approach...

[claps faster]

Count Vladislaus Dracula: I can almost dance to the beat.

[claps slower]

Count Vladislaus Dracula: Strange that yours is so steady.

Van Helsing: How do you know me?

Count Vladislaus Dracula: So, would you like me to refresh your memory? A few details from you sordid past?

Count Vladislaus Dracula: [Van Helsing thrusts a crucifix at Dracula. Dracula shrieks and angrily swats it away, then calms down, smiling beatifically, as if nothing happened] Perhaps that is a conversation for another time. But before you go, let me reintroduce myself.

[bows majestically]

Count Vladislaus Dracula: I am Count Vladislaus Dragulia. Born 1422. Murdered 1462.

Velkan: Come on. Dracula unleashed you for a reason.

[the Werewolf arrives back at Castle Frankenstein and lands next to Dracula, growling menacingly. Dracula ignores him]

Count Vladislaus Dracula: Werewolves are such a nuisance during their first full moon, so hard to control.

[just as the Werwolf is about to lunge at him, he stops and transforms back to Velkan, writhing in pain. Dracula strides majestically past him]

Count Vladislaus Dracula: I send you on a simple errand, to find out who our new friend is, and you have to stop for a little visit with your sister.

Velkan: Leave her out of this, Count! She doesn't know your secret, and I am soon to take it to my grave.

Count Vladislaus Dracula: Don't wish for death so quickly. I intend for you to be quite useful.

Velkan: I would rather die than help you.

Count Vladislaus Dracula: Oh, don't be boring, everybody who says that dies.

[the Dwergi rip a blackened corpse out of the machine's pod and throw it down in front of Velkan]

Count Vladislaus Dracula: Look familiar?

[Velkan recognizes the crucifix around the corpse's neck]

Velkan: Father? No!

[charges at Dracula]

Count Vladislaus Dracula: [stops him easily with a finger] He proved useless. But I'm hoping with Werewolf venom running through your veins, you will be of greater benefit.

Count Vladislaus Dracula: Don't we make a lovely couple?

[Anna looks at the mirror. Dracula is not in the reflection]

Count Vladislaus Dracula: I'm looking for a new bride, Anna, someone strong and beautiful. All it takes is one bite from me.

Anna Valerious: [Dracula hugs her tighter] You have no heartbeat.

Count Vladislaus Dracula: Perhaps it just needs to be rekindled.

Count Vladislaus Dracula: [attacked by Van Helsing, as a werewolf] Don't you understand? We could be friends! Partners! Brothers-in-arms!

Count Vladislaus Dracula: All I wanted was life, Gabriel. The continuation of my kind.

[Dracula holds up his left hand, his ring finger has long ago been cut off]

Count Vladislaus Dracula: And perhaps also, the return of my ring.

Anna Valerious: No! Find Velkan's gun! It has to be the silver bullets!

Carl: Now, I've got some things that will put the bit back in your mouth...

[Van Helsing stops to inspect a rack of swords]

Carl: Oh, any idiot can make a sword.

[a hulking monk turns around holding a newly-forged sword, staring daggers at Carl]

Carl: Oh, sorry, Father.

Carl: What are we doing here? Why is it so important to kill this Dracula anyway?

Van Helsing: Because he's the son of the devil.

Carl: I mean besides that.

Van Helsing: Because if we kill him, anything bitten by him or created will also die.

Carl: I mean besides that.

Aleera: Don't play coy with me, Princess, you're just like all the other pretty little ancestors in your family. Saying you want to destroy my master, but I know what lurks in your lusting heart.

Anna Valerious: I hope you have a heart, Aleera, because someday I'm going to drive a stake through it.

Verona: Hello, Anna, my dear.

Van Helsing: Next time, stay close, you're no good to me dead.

[Anna Valerious falls back into the a wall, out cold]

Van Helsing: [catches her in his arms before she falls to the floor] I'm sorry about that too.

Anna Valerious: What are these things?

Van Helsing: I think they're Dracula's children.

Anna Valerious: His children?

Van Helsing: A man, with three gorgeous women, for four hundred years?

Igor: I am sorry, Master. We try and we try, but I fear we are not so smart as Doctor Frankenstein.

Count Vladislaus Dracula: Truly. It would appear that the good Doctor took the key to life to his grave.

[the Werewolf climbs up onto the parapet. Dracula waves him away, dismissive]

Count Vladislaus Dracula: Hunt them down. Kill them both.

Aleera: Tch, tch, tch, so much trouble to my Master, so much trouble.

Count Vladislaus Dracula: Welcome to my summer place.

Count Vladislaus Dracula: [to the other vampires] Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you... Van Helsing!

Count Vladislaus Dracula: Give me LIFE!

Count Vladislaus Dracula: You're too late, my friend! My children live!

Van Helsing: Then the only way to kill them is to kill you.

Count Vladislaus Dracula: Correct.

Van Helsing: So be it.

Carl: Ah! Here's something new!

[pumps a drop of the yellow liquid onto his pinky finger]

Carl: Glycerine-48.

[snaps his wrist, causing a large explosion after the Glycerine-48 hits the floor. The workers shout and gasp in anger and shock]

Carl: Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!

Carl: [turns to Van Helsing, his magnifying glasses over his eyes] Sorry!

Monk: [offscreen in the background] What in the name of Allah is wrong with you?

Carl: [to Van Helsing] The air around here is thick with envy...

Van Helsing: Absinthe. Strong stuff.

[Anna takes a defiant swig and gives the bottle back to Van Helsing]

Anna Valerious: Don't let it touch your tongue... it'll knock straight on your aaaaaa...

[she gets cut off as the ground falls through]

Van Helsing: I have to pull the bolts off... this is going to hurt!

Frankenstein's Monster: I am accustomed to pain!

Van Helsing: It let's you know you're alive!

Mr. Hyde: [landing on the ceiling next to a knocked out Van Helsing] Aaaah! Paris...

[walks to Van Helsing who is lying on the floor and picks him up with a chuckle. Then he walks to the border of Notre Dame's ceiling]

Mr. Hyde: [laughing] I... I think you will find the view over here to be rather spectacular.

Verona: I can feel fresh blood rushing through her veins!

Carl: How many commandments can we break in one day?

Carl: Viscous material, what did I tell you!

Frankenstein's Monster: Curse all you undead! You are nothing but dead bones and damned souls... you shall burn in the fires of hell!

Carl: [notices Van Helsing] Ah, there you are. So, did you bring Mr. Hyde back or did you kill him?

[acts obvious]

Carl: You killed him, didn't you? That's why they get so annoyed. When they ask you to bring someone back they don't mean as a corpse.

Lucian: We were slaves once. The daylight guardians of the vampires. I was born into servitude. Yet I harbored them no ill will. Even took a vampire for my bride. It was forbidden, our union. Viktor feared a blending of the species. Feared it so much he killed her. His own daughter. Burnt alive for loving me. This is his war. Viktor's. And he spent the last 600 years exterminating my species.

Selene: It wasn't the Lycans. It was you. How could you bear my trust knowing that you killed my family?

Viktor: Yes, I have taken from you but I have given so much more. Is it not a fair trade for life I have granted you? The gift of immortality?

Selene: And the life of your daughter? Your own flesh and blood?

Viktor: I loved my daughter. But the abomination growing in her womb was a betrayal of me and the coven. I did what was necessary to protect the species. As I am forced to do yet again.

Selene: Lycans are allergic to silver. We have to get the bullets out quickly, or they end up dying on us during questioning.

Michael Corvin: What happens to them afterward?

Selene: We put the bullets back in.

Selene: How can you trust him over me?

Viktor: Because he's not the one who has been tainted by an animal.

Selene: Whether you like it or not, you're in the middle of a war that has been raging for the better part of a thousand years. A blood feud between vampires and lycans. Werewolves.

[Erika helps Selene escape]

Selene: Why are you helping me?

Erika: I'm not. I'm helping me.

Viktor: You know why I have been awakened, servant?

Kraven: No, my lord, but I will soon find out.

Viktor: You mean - when you find her?

Kraven: Yes, my lord.

Viktor: You must let her come to me. We have much to discuss, Selene and I. She has shown me a great many disturbing things. Things that will be *dealt* with soon enough. This covern has grown weak, decadent. Perhaps I should have left someone else in charge of my affairs.

[panting]

Viktor: Still, her memories are chaotic. There is no sense of time.

Kraven: Please, my lord, let me summon assistance. You are in need of rest.

Viktor: I have rested enough. What you will do is summon Marcus.

Kraven: But he still slumbers, my lord. Amelia and the council members are arriving tomorrow night to awaken Marcus - not you, my lord. You have been awakened a full century ahead of schedule.

Viktor: Now tell me, why have you come to believe that Lucian still lives?

Selene: But I've given you all the proof you need.

Viktor: Incoherent thoughts and images, nothing more - which is precisely why the awakening is performed by an elder. You do not possess the neccesary *skills*!

Selene: But I did see Lucian, I shot him, you must believe me.

Viktor: The chain has never been broken, not once, not in fourteen centuries, not since we elders first began to leapfrog through time - one awake, two aleep - that's the way of it. It is Marcus' time to reign, not mine!

Selene: But I had no choice, the coven is in danger and Michael is the key...

Viktor: [snaps head loudly] Ah, yes... the lycan.

[Adam is trying to verify Michael's story of what happened to him]

Dr. Adam Lockwood: A full-grown man bit you?

[Michael shows him the wound]

Dr. Adam Lockwood: Sure it wasn't a dog?

Michael Corvin: [angrily] I said it was a man.

[first lines]

Selene: [voiceover] The war had all but ground to a halt in the blink of an eye. Lucian, the most feared and ruthless leader ever to rule the Lycan clan, had finally been killed. The Lycan horde scattered to the wind in a single evening of flame and retribution. Victory, it seemed, was in our grasp, the very birthright of the vampires. Nearly six centuries had passed since that night, yet the ancient feud proved unwilling to follow Lucian to the grave. Though Lycans were fewer in number, the war itself had become more perilous, for the moon no longer held her sway. Older, more powerful Lycans, were now able to change at will. The weapons had evolved, but our orders remained the same: Hunt them down and kill them off, one by one. A most successful campaign. Perhaps too successful. For those like me, a Death Dealer, this signaled the end of an era. Like the weapons of the previous century, we, too, would become obsolete. Pity, because I lived for it.

Lucian: You're acting like a pack of rabid dogs. And that, gentlemen, simply will not do. Not if you expect to defeat the vampires on their own ground. Not if you expect to survive at war.

Kraven: Is there another way out?

Lucian: I guess it never occurred to you that you might actually have to bleed to pull off this little coup.

Lucian: You may have killed me cousin, but my will is done regardless.

[last lines]

Selene: [voiceover] Though I cannot predict the future, the consequences of this night will reverberate through the halls of both great covens for many years to come. Two vampire elders have been slain, one by my own hand. Soon, Marcus will take the throne, and a tide of anger and retribution will spill out into the night. Differences will be set aside. Allegiances will be made. And soon, I will become the hunted.

Singe: For years, we've been trying to combine the bloodlines. And for years, we've failed. It was useless. Even at the cellular level, our species seemed destined to destroy each other. Yet the key, we knew... was to locate the rarest of bloodlines... a direct descendant of Alexander Corvinus... Hungarian, a warlord... who came to power in the early seasons of the fifth century. Just in time to watch a plague ravage his village. He alone survived. Somehow, his body was able to change the disease... mold it to his benefit. He became the first true immortal. And years later, he fathered at least two children... who inherited the same trait.

Viktor: The sons of the Corvinus clan. One bitten by bat, one by wolf... one to walk the lonely road of mortality as a human. It's a riduculous legend, nothing more.

Singe: That may be... but our species do have a common ancestor.

Viktor: There is a decendant of Corvinus lying there

[points to Marcus' grave]

Viktor: ... not three feet from you.

Singe: Yes. But he's already a Vampire. We needed a pure source... untainted. An exact duplicate of the original virus. The Corvinus strain itself, which we learned... was hidden away in the genetic code of his human descendants... and passed along in its dormant form... down through the ages to Michael Corvin. His blood allows for a perfect union between our species.

Viktor: There can be no such union. And to speak of it is heresy.

Singe: We'll see. Once Lucian has injected him...

Viktor: Lucian is dead.

Singe: According to whom?

[Kraven has left]

Viktor: [to Selene] I can assure you my child... Kraven will pay with his life.

Singe: Soon this house will lie in ruins.

Selene: Not before you.

Singe: No, wait. Wait. You and you alone will know the truth of this. If Lucian was able to get his hands on the blood of a Pure-Born... a powerful elder like Amelia... or yourself

[motions to Viktor]

Singe: ... and inject it along with Michael's blood...

Viktor: [Whispers] Abomination.

Singe: Half-Vampire... Half-Lycan... but stronger than both!

Viktor: Your incompetence is becoming most... *taxing*.

Kahn: [Selene shoots, rather aggressively, at a statue head, when Kahn walks in] I sure hope you never get p.o.'d at me.

Viktor: [Selene enters Viktor's chamber and kneels before him] Come closer, my child.

Selene: I've been lost without you, my Lord; constantly hounded by Kraven and his never-ending infatuation.

Viktor: [chuckles] It is the oldest story in the book; he desires the one thing he cannot have.

Raze: We were ambushed. Death Dealers; three of them.

Lucian: And the candidate?

Raze: We lost him.

Lucian: You lost him?

Lucian: The vampires didn't realize you were following a human, did they, Raze?

Raze: No.

[He groans as Singe yanks another shuriken out of his chest]

Raze: I mean... I don't think so.

Lucian: You don't think or you don't know?

Raze: I'm not sure.

Kraven: Engaging with Death Dealers in public, and she has to run after some human, that is *not* what I had in mind! You were told, you were *told* to set up shop and lay low...!

Lucian: [grabs Kraven by the throat] Calm yourself, Kraven. The human doesn't concern you. Besides, I've laid low for long enough.

Kraven: Just keep your men at bay, Lucian, at least for the time being. Don't make me have to regret our arrangement.

Lucian: You just concentrate on your part. Remember, I've bled for you once already. Without me, you'd have nothing. You'd *be* nothing.

Viktor: What's... this... *ruckus*?

Viktor: There is a good reason why these rules were created, and they are the only reason we have survived this long!

Michael Corvin: I have to go... I have to get back...

Lucian: There's no going back, there's no going anywhere. The vampires will kill you on sight, just for being one of us. You ARE one of us!

Michael Corvin: Your war... it has nothing to do with me...

Lucian: My war?

Michael Corvin: They'll kill you too for helping me!

Selene: I know.

Kraven: Put on something elegant - and be quick about it!

[turns to leave]

Selene: Kraven, I'm serious!

Kraven: Other than food, why would a lycan stalk a human?

Selene: Jump.

Michael Corvin: Are you fucking kidding me?

Michael Corvin: I want to stay with you...

Selene: We have a serious problem.

Singe: [examining Trix's body] Look at this mess.

Raze: AG rounds, high content. Prevented him from making the change.

Singe: [pulls one out] No point in taking out the rest. Silver's penetrated his organs. Regeneration's impossible at this point.

Kraven: Let me tell you a little something about your beloved dark father. He's the one that killed your family. Not the Lycans. He never could follow his own rules. Said he couldn't abide the taste of lifestock. So, every once in a while, he'd go out and gorge himself on human blood. I kept the secrets, and cleaned up the mess. But he's the one who crept room to room that night, dispatching everyone close to your heart. But when he got to you, he just couldn't bear the thought of draining you dry. You, who reminded him so much of his precious Sonja, the daughter he condemned to death.

Selene: Lies.

Tanis: You don't scare me, Selene.

Selene: Well, we'll have to work on that.

[first lines]

Marcus: My God. Brother, what have you done?

[William has been shot through his limbs by chains, and dragged to the ground. Marcus comes back unexpectedly.]

Viktor: Marcus!

Marcus: He was not to be harmed. Place him in my charge, as we agreed, or you will pay for your deceit.

Viktor: And you will learn your place. Your sympathy for this beast is foolish. Your brother is entirely beyond control. It will be done *my* way.

Marcus: You know well the consequences if your murder me. Or William.

Viktor: If you so much as speak his name again you will have chosen that future for him.

[Marcus looks to his sides - Viktor's warriors have their crossbows poised at him.]

Marcus: What is thy will... my lord?

Viktor: Imprisonment for all time. Far from you.

Marcus: Hello Father.

Alexander Corvinus: You are unwelcome in my presence.

Marcus: Ah. The predictable heart that never thaws. Pity it beats within such a fool. The eldest of the immortals, yet you have made no attempt to seize your destiny.

Alexander Corvinus: We are oddities of nature, you and I. Nothing more! This is a world for humanity.

Marcus: And that petty sentiment explains why you rejected your sons? Why you stood by for over half a millennium as William suffered alone in darkness? No, Father, I have no respect for your petty sentiment. Viktor's key. Where is it?

Alexander Corvinus: Whatever plan you have for William is futile. You cannot control your brother.

Marcus: Oh, I am stronger now. And our bond is greater than you have ever wanted to acknowledge.

Alexander Corvinus: You're wrong. Soon you'll be drowning in Lycans just like before.

Marcus: Oh, not Lycans, Father, or Vampires. A new race created in the image of their maker. Their new God. Me.

[Marcus impales Alexander to the wall with his talon]

Marcus: And a true God

[picks up a sword]

Marcus: has no father.

[Marcus drives the sword through Alexander, then takes the key out of his top pocket]

Alexander Corvinus: You will fail.

[Marcus has Kraven pinned to the wall by his talons]

Kraven: Marcus?

Marcus: The blood memories of this wretched creature...

[indicates Singe's body]

Marcus: ...have shown me that your treachery knows no bounds.

Kraven: My lord, I can explain.

Marcus: Why would I listen to your lies when the journey to the truth... is so much sweeter?

[Marcus bites into his neck, and see's visions of Kraven's past, including his bargain with Lucian and Selene killing Viktor]

Kraven: Please. I can assist you.

Marcus: [smiles] Oh, you already have.

[he pulls his talons free, then swipes Kraven's head off.]

Alexander Corvinus: For centuries I've stood back and watched the havoc my sons have wrought on each other, and on humanity - not the legacy I prayed for the morning I watched them enter this world... And it's been a tiresome duty - keeping the war contained, cleaning up the mess, hiding my family's unfortunate history.

Michael Corvin: Couldn't you have stopped it?

Selene: Yes!

Alexander Corvinus: Could you kill your own sons?

Selene: You know what Marcus will do! If he finds me, he finds William's prison! You have to help us stop him!

Alexander Corvinus: You are asking me to help you kill my son - YOU, a Death Dealer? How many innocents have YOU slain in your six-century quest to avenge your family? Spare me your self-righteous declarations! You are no different from Marcus and even less noble than William - at least HE cannot control his savagery!

Selene: Everything I've done can be laid at YOUR feet - hundreds of thousands have died because of your inability to accept that your sons are monsters, that they CREATE monsters!

Selene: [glances at Michael] We're not leaving him here.

Selene: You're Alexander Corvinus...

Alexander Corvinus: There was a time when I was known by that name... by any name, I am still your forefather.

[William, Marcus Corvinus's twin brother and the very first werewolf, is released from his prison of a thousand years. He growls and charges at Marcus]

Marcus: William... No, William, no! Calm down! Be still, brother... it's me, Marcus!

Michael Corvin: [to the Armed Officers] Get the fuck away from me.

Selene: What will I become?

Alexander Corvinus: The future.

Selene: [to Michael] There's never been a hybrid before. However ambivalent you might feel about it, the truth is, your powers could be limitless. You depend on blood.

Marcus: Tanis, you seem anxious. Why do you flee at the very sight of me?

[Sits in a chair calmly]

Marcus: Please, sit. There's no need for this to be unpleasant. I've always rather enjoyed your company.

[Tanis glances at his guns and ultraviolet ammunition, obviously contemplating making a grab for one. Marcus notices this]

Marcus: Now you're being rude.

Tanis: Sorry.

[sits nervously]

Selene: [picks up the abandoned bra of one of Tanis's girlfriends] Your exile seems a bit more comfortable than I remember.

Marcus: Viktor fashioned two keys. What do you know of them?

Tanis: Keys? I don't know of any keys.

[Marcus spears Tanis in the shoulders and pulls him across the table]

Tanis: Oh... yes. Yes, those keys.

Marcus: I know what you have done, Selene.

Selene: Viktor deserved his fate. And Kraven was no better.

Marcus: Kraven has already reaped the rewards of his own misdeeds. And yes, Viktor deserved his fate, many times over. A terrible business, the slaying of your mortal family. Yet so much effort was spent to conceal this matter from me. What do you suppose Viktor had to hide? Or perhaps it is you Selene, as the last of your wretched family, who has something to hide?

Selene: For six centuries I was a loyal soldier to the vampire clan. But I was betrayed. The war was not as it had seemed. In one night, the lies that had united our kind had been exposed. Kraven, our second-in-command, had formed a secret alliance with Lucian, leader of the werewolf clan, to overthrow Viktor, our leader. But Kraven's lust for power and domination had failed. Viktor was not the savior I had been led to believe. He had betrayed us all. Soon, the hunt will be on for his killer. I have but one ally left: Michael, the human descendent of Corvinus. Neither vampire nor lycan, but a hybrid. It's only a matter of time before we're found. My only hope now is to awaken Markus, our last remaining elder, and expose the truth before Kraven tries to murder him while he's still in hibernation. Kraven knows he's no match for him awake.

Marcus: [to Selene] Dead or alive, you will give me what I want!

Marcus: [to Selene] I knew Viktor made a mistake by keeping you as a pet. He should have killed you with the rest of your family.

Tanis: [after shooting at Selene] I knew it was you Selene. The stench of Viktor's blood still lingers in your veins.

Reinhardt: [after Blade beats an entire squad] Hmm. Well, like my daddy said right before he killed my mom, "Want anything done right, you gotta do it yourself."

[he unsheathes Blade's sword]

Reinhardt: He also said...

[he suddenly lunges with the sword. Blade traps it between his hands]

Blade: Can you blush?

[disarms Reinhardt, catches the sword, and slices Reinhardt in half]

Blade: [noticing vampire tattoo] You're human.

Kounen: Barely. I'm a lawyer.

Blade: There's an old saying: Keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer.

Scud: So B-man, what do you think?

Blade: Sounds like a plan.

Whistler: What do you really think?

Blade: They're gonna fuck us the first chance they get.

Blade: How do you feel?

Whistler: Like hammered shit.

Scud: Tell me somethin'. How's the weather up there, sweetheart?

Whistler: [being pelted by rain] Walkin' on sunshine, toad boy.

Nomak: Vampires... I hate vampires...

Reinhardt: Hey, uh, me and the gang were wondering...

[whispers something with his hand covering his mouth]

Blade: What was that?

[Reinhardt removes his hand and leans in]

Reinhardt: Can you blush?

[after Reinhardt taunts him]

Blade: Oh, I get it. I see now. You've been training for two years to take me out, and now here I am. Whew!

[shivers]

Blade: Ooh, so exciting, isn't it?

[as Blade scans the crowd of vampires]

Reinhardt: God, it would be so easy.

[he draws his pistol and aims. A laser dot appears on Blade's chest - and the camera pans down to show another laser beam coming from his gun]

Chupa: He's got you.

[Reinhardt looks down and sees a laser dot on his own chest. He puts his gun away. Chupa laughs. Blade grins at Reinhardt, who very clearly mouths, "fuck you."]

Reinhardt: [watching Whistler shine a bright light around a dark tunnel] We're tryin' to attract 'em... not scare 'em off.

Whistler: Yeah, well some of us can't see in the dark, you fucking nipplehead. What am I supposed to do?

Chupa: [slaps Whistler with a pair of night-vision goggles] Bifocals, Grampa. Try to keep up.

Whistler: Better get you some sunscreen, Buttercup.

Chupa: Listen, shit kicker! You're about one cunt hair away from hillbilly heaven.

Whistler: I love it when you talk dirty.

Scud: Lock up your daughters, boys and girls, the Dark Knight returns.

Scud: Nobody goes cold turkey from the thirst in just one night.

Scud: [watching the UV bomb flicker and die] I don't know, maybe I fucked up. Maybe you were right.

[the UV bomb goes off]

Scud: Alright. Poppa's got a brand new bang.

Scud: You heard Cue Ball, right? Pretty soon, they're all gonna be daywalkers, man. When that happens, I'd rather be a pet than cattle.

Whistler: How'd you two hook up?

Scud: I was backpackin'. Met these two chicks. Decided to take 'em back to my, uh, tent for a little "Three's Company" action.

[opens his shirt to reveal horrible scarring across his chest and abdomen]

Whistler: Purdy.

Scud: Next thing I know Janet and Chrissy start tearing chunks outta my stomach. Blade shows up, saves my ass, everything else just sorta fell into place.

Whistler: What are you looking for?

Scud: Phosphor rods. If I can suss out the light source, maybe I can make some sorta UV flash-bang grenade or somethin'.

Whistler: Been tried already.

Scud: Yeah, but you didn't have the Scudster working on it then, now did you?

Whistler: How'd you find me?

Blade: Started out in Moscow then Romania. They kept moving you around.

Whistler: How long was I gone? Months?

Blade: Too long.

Whistler: [to himself] Years.

Whistler: They tortured me almost to death, and then let me heal in a vat of blood so they could go at it again. Sorry sons of bitches could've at least fixed my damn leg while they were at it.

Eli Damaskinos: It has been said, "Be proud of your enemy and enjoy his success." In that regard, I should thank you.

Blade: For what?

Kounen: Eliminating Deacon Frost. You did us a favor.

Blade: We'll play along for now. They'll take us in deeper than we've ever been. Get a chance to see how their world really ticks.

Whistler: I had enough of their world. They're just shitting bricks just because they're no longer top of the food chain.

Priest: Look at them. Half of these bastards, they're not even pure bloods. I tell you what, why don't we just fuckin' kill everyone? Just to make sure.

Nomak: Is the enemy of my enemy my friend or my enemy?

Rush: [after Blade uses him as a shield; in vampire language] Fuck! It's not silver but it hurts like hell.

[after explaining to Blade how to use a UV bomb]

Nyssa: You're not coming?

Scud: No. I'm a lover, not a fighter.

Chupa: Let me ask one question... how the hell we gonna find these Reapers?

Blade: We won't have to. They'll come to us.

[Nyssa throws Chupa a spray bottle, looking at it he accidentally sprays some in his face]

Chupa: [coughs] What is this shit?

Nyssa: Pheromones, harvested from the Reapers adrenal glands. They're gonna key to it.

Reinhardt: They want us to spray on some suckpuppy's nut juice?

[as Whistler tries to join Blade in entering the House of Pain]

Whistler: Let's go.

Chupa: You won't pass for one of us. No way.

Whistler: Like I give a shit.

Blade: No, he's right. Why don't you post up on the roof over there? Cover our backs.

Whistler: So the Bloodpack's callin' the shots now, huh? Great.

Reinhardt: Better curb that dog of yours or we'll do it for you.

[Blade arms the bomb. Reinhardt freezes]

Blade: Keep pushing, asshole.

[disarms bomb]

Eli Damaskinos: Who do you think God really favors in the web? The spider, or the fly?

[Chupa notices that the pheromone canister is spraying]

Chupa: What the hell is this? You tryin' to stink me to death, old man?

[after Scud has just been blown up by a bomb]

Whistler: I was just startin' to like him.

[last lines: Rush goes into a viewing booth at a strip joint, but the door goes up to show Blade standing there]

Blade: Well, you didn't think I forgot about you, did you?

[stabs his sword through the plexiglass and into Rush's head]

Reinhardt: [while being overrun by Reapers] You want a bite of me? Well, come on! Come on, motherfucker!

Blade: [pulling the pin out of a UV grenade] You obviously do not know who you are *fucking* with!

Reinhardt: [over two way, after the silver bullets have no affect on Reapers] Silver don't do jack shit man, don't waste the bullets!

Chupa: Motherfucker.

Reinhardt: You hear me Chupa?

Chupa: Say cheese!

[shoots Reaper rapidly]

Asad: [introducing the Bloodpack] Blade, meet the Bloodpack: Lighthammer, Verlaine, Priest, Snowman, Chupa, and Reinhardt.

[Priest has been bitten by Reapers, and is screaming to the highest corners of Hell]

Blade: How long since he's been bitten?

Asad: About twenty minutes.

Chupa: His skin is fucking burning!

Blade: He's already starting to change.

Reinhardt: [Priest keeps screaming] Will someone just shut him the fuck up?

[Chupa puts his gun to Priest's chest]

Priest: [in vampire language] Kill me now, Chupa!

Chupa: [in vampire language] A man without fear...

[shoots him six times through the chest but it doesn't kill him]

Asad: Hold on. Hold him, Chupa!

Reinhardt: Come on, man, just put him out of his fucking misery!

[Snowman pulls his sword]

Nyssa: Don't you get it? You can't finish him that way!

[Snowman tosses his sword to Reinhardt who cuts off the top of Priest's head, without effect]

Blade: Move.

[the Bloodpack moves. Blade shoots holes in the wall, letting in beams of sunlight]

Reinhardt: Back off!

[Priest's body burns]

Scud: [after revealing he's a familiar] They needed my help to bring you here to control Nomak. The old fuck, he was always just bait. I mean, look at him. He's your only real weakness, man. You may be fast, you may be strong and all that other bullshit, but in the end, B, you're just too human!

[punches Whistler in the face]

Whistler: Well, you little shit!

[Scud punches him again]

Scud: You think they scoped out my security system? I let them in, asshole!

Blade: [after rescuing Whistler] If there's anything left of you in there, Whistler, listen up. In the morning those blinds are going to open. Whether you're cured or not.

[after Blade goads Reinhardt, Reinhardt attacks him. Blade seizes him in an armlock, then plants a miniature explosive device onto the back of his head]

Blade: Now you got an explosive device stuck to the back of your head. Silver Nitrate.

[to the Bloodpack]

Blade: Rigged to go off if anybody tampers with it. I'll have the detonator with me.

[to Reinhardt]

Blade: And you, if you so much as look at me wrong...

[wrenches his arm]

Reinhardt: AH!

Blade: Whew!

[to the Bloodpack]

Blade: From now on, we work as a unit.

Drug Dealer: Looking to get hooked up?

Nomak: Maybe. What do you have?

Drug Dealer: No problem. Horse, Hawaiian ice, whatever you need.

Nomak: Whatever I need. I like that. What if I need you?

[after Hannibal sends the vampire dogs plummeting out the high-rise's window]

Jarko Grimwood: Hey, dick-face. You seen my dog?

Hannibal King: Have you tried the lobby?

Hannibal King: Her name is Danica Talos. You met her earlier. And unlike typical vampires, her fangs are located in her vagina.

[uncomfortable pause]

Hannibal King: Moving on...

Hannibal King: [after watching Blade casually kill a familiar] You know, at some point, you, uh, you might wanna consider sitting down with somebody. You know, have a little share time? Kick back. Get in touch with your inner child, that sorta thing. Also, just a thought, but you might wanna consider blinking once in a while.

[Blade stops and slowly turns to look at Hannibal]

Hannibal King: I'm sorry, I, uh... I ate a lot of sugar today.

Hannibal King: We're still trying to sort out fact from fiction when it comes to Dracula. Turning into mist? Kinda doubt it. But general shape-shifting? Maybe.

Hedges: Not into a bat or a wolf or anything like that, but, another human, uh, with practice, could be possible. Because he wouldn't have a-a traditional skeletal structure. Something more like a snake's, with thousands of, uh, tiny bones, and...

Hannibal King: I have a - I have a question about that, Hedges. Have you ever been laid?

Hedges: Many times... with ladies.

Hannibal King: [to Danica, as she is dying from the Daystar Plague] Hang in there, kitten. I'll get help.

Danica Talos: The world's changed since your time. The humans have a new hunter... Blade.

Abraham Whistler: Congratulations, you're famous. Somebody nailed us. Faces all over the papers, televisions. Media's eating it up.

Blade: Like I care.

Abraham Whistler: Well, you should. Somethin' like this, takin' out a human, as far as the rest of the world is concerned, you're public enemy #1.

Blade: Didn't notice it was a popularity contest.

Ray Cumberland: Say, how many people have you killed, Blade? Thirty? Forty? Fifty?

Blade: One thousand, one hundred and eighty two. But they were all familiars.

Blade: You're not immortal. I musta heard hundreds of you rodents make the same claim. Each one of them has tasted the end of my sword.

Dracula: Perhaps I will too, then. But I think it is more likely the next time we meet, you fall before *mine*.

Asher Talos: [about the Nightstalkers attack] We got caught with our pants down.

Jarko Grimwood: Pants down? They pretty much fucking ass-raped us!

Danica Talos: Enough! It's not funny anymore!

Hannibal King: No, it's not, you horse-humping bitch! But it will be a few seconds from now. See, that tickle that you're feeling in the back of your throat right now?

[Asher, Jarko, and Danica start coughing]

Hannibal King: That's atomized colloidal silver. It's being pumped through the building's air conditioning system, you cock-juggling thundercunt!

[Jarko and Asher cough harder]

Hannibal King: Which means the fat lady should be singing, right... about... now!

[pause where nothing happens]

Hannibal King: Heh, this is awkward.

[still nothing]

Hannibal King: Do you have a cell phone?

[Jarko punches King]

Hannibal King: Ooh, gonna be sorry you did that.

Asher Talos: Why? Nobody's coming for you, King-shit.

Hannibal King: Sure they are.

[in pain]

Hannibal King: God! See, one of the things you fuckheads need to know about us Nightstalkers is that when you join our club, you get all sorts of groovy little door prizes, and one of them is this nifty little tracking node surgically implanted in your body.

[all laugh]

Jarko Grimwood: Bullshit.

Hannibal King: Yeah. See, when one of us goes missing, the others, they just dial up the satellite... which is in space. And then presto. Instant cavalry.

[Asher claps]

Hannibal King: You like that, huh? Go fuck your sister

Danica Talos: Okay King, where is this tracking node of yours?

Hannibal King: It's in my left ass cheek.

[Danica slaps King in the face]

Hannibal King: Fine. It's in my right ass cheek.

[Danica slaps King in the face again]

Hannibal King: Okay, I'm - okay, seriously now. It's in the meat of my butt, just below the Hello Kitty tattoo.

[Danica kicks King in the groin]

Hannibal King: Seriously, just pull down my tighty-whities and see for yourself.

Hannibal King: What did the one lesbian vampire say to the other?

Abigail Whistler: Shut up King.

Hannibal King: See you in 28 days.

Hannibal King: Hey Blade, I got a question for you. Say we're successful, say we wipe out all the vampires. What then? Huh? Ever ask yourself that? I mean, somehow I don't picture you teaching Karate at the local Y.

[Blade just walks off]

Hannibal King: He hates me, doesn't he?

Abigail Whistler: Yeah.

Hannibal King: So, can we just go right ahead and sign you up for one of our secret Nightstalker decoder rings?

Blade: Now, what's behind Door Number One?

Chief Martin Vreede: I can't tell you. They-they'll kill me.

Blade: Kill you? Motherfucker, I'll kill you! I'll just enjoy it better.

Hannibal King: [to the dog licking his ear] Back off, pooch.

[the dog opens its three-jawed mouth, showing vampire fangs and a Reaper-style tongue]

Hannibal King: [shouts] Jesus Christ!

[he bolts to his feet]

Hannibal King: What the fuck?

Asher Talos: [picking up the dog] Good dog.

Hannibal King: [shouts] What the fuck?

Asher Talos: His name's Pac-Man. We've been porting the vampire gene into other species, experimenting.

Hannibal King: You made a goddamn vampire Pomeranian?

Hannibal King: She's making playlists. She likes to listen to MP3s when she hunts. It's like her own internal soundtrack, you know? Dark core, trip-hop, whatever kids are listening to these days. Me, I'm more of a David Hasselhof fan, you know?

Jarko Grimwood: [about his vampire Pomeranian] Precious, isn't he?

Hannibal King: Well, that depends who you ask. Because clearly, this dog has a bigger dick than you.

Jarko Grimwood: And when the fuck did you see my dick, fuck-face?

[he kicks Hannibal in the face]

Hannibal King: Ow!

[points at Danica]

Hannibal King: I was talking to her!

Zoe: [watching Blade inhaling his serum] Why do you do that?

Blade: Because there's something bad inside of me. This keeps it from getting out.

Zoe: Why can't you just be nice?

Blade: Because the world isn't nice.

Hannibal King: [comes across Pac-Man] Fuck me.

[two Rotweilers, also vampire dogs, come into frame]

Hannibal King: Oh, fuck me sideways!

Blade: [Blade is bobbing Hoop up and down over the edge of a building] Eventually, you know, your head is gonna pop off.

Hoop: Fuck, no, no! Please, please, please!

Blade: Who's your handler?

Hoop: I don't know my fucking handler! I swear, I swear!

[Blade loosens his grip]

Hoop: Oh, shit! Please! Please!

[a cell phone rings. Blade looks at Abbie and Hannibal, who shrug, then down at the familiar]

Blade: Oh, it's you! I'll take that. Come on! Let's go, come on!

[Hoop hands his cell to Blade]

Dr. Edgar Vance: Hello? Hello? Hello, this is Dr. Vance. You paged me?

Blade: [chuckles] It's for you. Yeah, go ahead.

[Blade hands the phone back. Hoop puts it to his ear]

Hoop: Hello...?

[Blade lets go]

Hoop: Aaaaaaahhhhhhhh!

[thud]

[alternate ending only; to a werewolf]

Hannibal King: Don't you know that fur is murder?

Hannibal King: We call ourselves the Nightstalkers.

Blade: Hmm. Sounds like rejects from a Saturday morning cartoon.

Hannibal King: Well, we were gonna go with the Care Bears, but, uh, that was taken.

Danica Talos: Tell us about Blade, King. What's this weapon he's been planning?

Hannibal King: I can tell you two things. One, your hairdo is ridiculous. Two, I ate a lot of garlic, and I just farted. Silent but deadly.

Dracula: Blade, ready to die?

Blade: I was born ready motherfucker!

Dracula: Motherfucker... I like that.

Jarko Grimwood: [grabs Hannibal by the throat] Spit it out, you fucking fruitcake!

Hannibal King: All right, fuck! I'll tell you about the weapon!

[Jarko releases him]

Hannibal King: It's a new flavor-crystal formula. Twice the chocolaty goodness, half the calories. Plus it helps prevent tooth decay. There.

Danica Talos: You're brave, King. I'll give you that. But underneath all that swagger, I know what you really fear. What would hurt you more than anything else.

[reveals his old vampire glyph]

Danica Talos: You don't wanna go back to being one of us, do you?

[leans in]

Danica Talos: I'm gonna bite you again, King. And I'm gonna leave you here while you turn. I'm going to watch you, day after day, as the thirst keeps building and building. And then, when you can't stand it anymore...

[she raps her foot on the floor, leans closer to whisper in his ear, Dracula brings Zoe in]

Danica Talos: I'm gonna bring the little girl in here for you to feed on. Would you like that, King? Would you enjoy taking her life?

[she sits back in her chair. King sags]

Danica Talos: Now we're getting somewhere, my pet.

Hannibal King: [about Danica] You know the kind of woman that just screams trouble? You see her, and every warning bell in your brain starts going off, but you still manage to ask for her number? Well, that's all I ever hook up with. But this betty... whoa! She blew them all away in the shitstorm sweepstakes.

Danica Talos: [licking one of Hannibal's wounds] You're tasting a little bland, lover. Are you getting enough fatty acids in your diet? Have you tried lake trout? Mackerel?

Hannibal King: How about you take a sugar-frosted fuck off the end of my dick?

Danica Talos: And how about everyone here not saying the word "dick" anymore? It provokes my envy.

Hannibal King: I picked Danica up in a bar, and spent the next five years playing hide-and-go-suck as her little vampire cabana boy. Eventually, Abigail found me, Sommerfield managed to treat me with a cure, and now I kill them. And that's basically turning a frown upside down.

Blade: What the hell makes you think you know about huntin' vampires?

Hannibal King: Well, here's for starters.

[shows Vampire tattoo]

Hannibal King: I used to be one.

[puts shirt down]

Hannibal King: Do I pass the audition?

Dracula: Kill one man, you're a murderer, kill a million, a king. Kill them all, a God.

Dex: Consider us your reinforcements.

Blade: What? You amateurs are supposed to be helping me? You? Look at you. You're kids. You're not ready to roll with this. I mean, look at the way you're dressed. What, that's supposed to be tactical?

[about Hannibal's name tag]

Blade: What is this? What is that? "Fuck you." It's a joke, huh? What the fuck is wrong with y'all? You think this is a joke? You think this is a fucking sit-com?

Hannibal King: Okay, first off, that's just rude. Second, I'm pretty sure we saved your ass back there.

Hannibal King: Hedges, super-size me, sweetheart.

[Hedges hands him a four-barrel rifle]

Hannibal King: This little peashooter, it's a modified version of the Army's objective individual combat weapon. Pick your poison - sun dogs, stakes, heat-seeking mini-rockets. Basically, whatever gets you hard, this puppy'll pump 'em out.

[sarcastic]

Hannibal King: Of course, it doesn't have the range of a *sword*, but, uh...

[after the vampires' attack on the Nightstalkers' hideout]

Blade: Are you all right?

Abigail Whistler: Yeah. I'll be fine.

Blade: Don't let it turn inward.

Abigail Whistler: Ever since I can remember, I've had this - I've had this knife of sadness in my heart. And as long as it's there, you know, I'm-I'm strong, and I'm-I'm untouchable. But the moment that I take it out... I'll just die.

Hannibal King: Let's face it, we are fighting a losing battle here. So we kill a few hundred of them a year, big deal. There are thousands of them out there, maybe tens of thousands. We need a new tactic.

Blade: Like what?

Sommerfield: A biological weapon. For you sighted people, here's a little show-and-tell.

[first lines]

Hannibal King: In the movies, Dracula wears a cape, and some old English guy always manages to save the day at the last minute with crosses and holy water. But everybody knows the movies are full of shit. The truth is, it started with Blade, and it ended with him. The rest of us were just along for the ride.

Dracula: Funny, isn't it? All this time, my people were trying to create a new kind of vampire when one already existed. I don't need to survive. The future of our race rests with you. You fought with honor. I respect that. Allow me a parting gift. But remember this. Sooner or later, the thirst always wins.

[the SWAT team converges on Whistler, dying after being shot in the back]

SWAT Member: Move a finger and you're dead!

Abraham Whistler: [raises his middle finger, while holding a radio detonator] How's about this one?

SWAT Member: He's got something in his hand!

Abraham Whistler: Get out, Blade!

[the building goes up in an explosion]

Blade: [on Dracula] So the movies are true.

Hannibal King: Ha! The movies are just a comforting fairy-tale compared to the real deal. Bram Stoker, he wrote a good yarn. But the events that he described back in 1897, God, that was just a tiny piece of the mosaic.

[showing Blade pictures of the vampires]

Hannibal King: And this walking diaper stain is Jarko Grimwood.

Ray Cumberland: Don't fuck with my thing.

Abigail Whistler: [about to stab a vampire thug who said it to her] Scream if this hurts, chica!

[to Abigail]

Dingo: Scream if this hurts, chica!

Hannibal King: [after breaking in through the window] Evening, ladies.

Dr. Edgar Vance: Do you know what day it is?

[Blade declines to answer]

Dr. Edgar Vance: How 'bout the president? You know who that is. Who's in the White House, right now?

Blade: An asshole.

Hannibal King: [calls to Blade as Blade disappears into the ventilation shaft] Hey, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Where're you going?

[turns to Abby]

Hannibal King: Where the fuck is he going? This is supposed to be a rescue!

[after Blade stakes Gedge who he believes is a vampire]

Blade: Staked you with silver. Why aren't you ash?

Gedge: Why aren't you smarter? Not a vampire, dumb shit! Set your sorry ass up.

[Gedge takes off fake vampire teeth]

Blade: Damn.

Hannibal King: Welcome to the honeycomb hideout.

Blade: How do you bankroll this operation?

Hannibal King: I date a lot of older men.

Chief Martin Vreede: There's nothing stopping them now.

Blade: [in Vreede's face] There's me.

Blade: [to Chief Martin Vreede] Go. You've got 20 seconds.

[Vreede runs off]

Blade: [Blade waits 3 seconds] 20!

[he shoots him]

[alternate ending only]

Hannibal King: What do you get when you cross a vampire with a werewolf? You get a fur coat that sticks to your neck!

[last lines]

Hannibal King: Blade was still out there somewhere, doing what he did best. He was a weapon. His life was a war. And everybody knows the war never ends.

[while Blade is restrained, Vance injects him with a sedative]

Dr. Edgar Vance: You don't have a problem with needles, do you? There! That wasn't so bad, was it?

[he leans closer, and Blade hears him through a haze]

Dr. Edgar Vance: Oh, you're weak. In need of your serum. That must be a bad feeling. I mean, that a mere human like me could have over-powered you?

Blade: [realizes] You're one of them. A familiar.

[Vance shows Blade a glyph tattoo on his wrist]

Dr. Edgar Vance: Going on five years now. It's the endgame, Blade. All their plans are coming to fruition. Why don't you just sit back, and enjoy the show?

[Abby inspects Hannibal's shoulder wound, then pulls out an aerosol can]

Hannibal King: Whoa, hold on! What are you- What is that? What are you doin'?

Abigail Whistler: It's an elastic protein, okay? It's gonna stop the haemorraging.

Hannibal King: Okay. Is it gonna hurt?

Abigail Whistler: Yeah, it's gonna sting a little.

Hannibal King: Really?

[she applies the protein, spraying a thick paste into the wound with a hiss]

Hannibal King: FUCK... ME!

Dracula: Do you know who I am?

Zoe: You're the Gnome King.

Dracula: Ah. The Gnome King. How sweet. Tell me, child, do you want to die?

Zoe: I'm not afraid. I'll go to heaven.

Dracula: There is no heaven. No God, no angels. The only thing in your future is nothingness. But what if you could change that? What if you could remain a child forever? Wouldn't you like that? Wouldn't you accept that gift?

Zoe: My friends are coming to kill you.

Dracula: Are you ready to die... motherfucker?

Zoe: [spoken to Drake, deadpan] My friends are coming to kill you.

[Cyclops doesn't know if Logan's an imposter]

Wolverine: Hey! It's me.

Cyclops: Prove it!

Wolverine: You're a dick.

Cyclops: Okay.

Wolverine: Magneto's right: there is a war coming. Are you sure you're on the right side?

Storm: At least I've chosen a side.

[about his claws]

Rogue: When they come out... does it hurt?

Wolverine: Every time.

Bobby: Welcome to Mutant High.

Dr. Jean Grey: Mutants are not the ones mankind should fear.

[to Senator Kelly]

Magneto: Are you a God-fearing man, Senator? That is such a strange phrase. I've always thought of God as a teacher; a bringer of light, wisdom, and understanding. You see, I think what you really fear is me. Me and my kind. The Brotherhood of Mutants. Oh, it's not so surprising really. Mankind has always feared what it doesn't understand. Well, don't fear God, Senator, and certainly don't fear me. Not any more.

Magneto: Welcome to the future.

Senator Kelly: I have here a list of names of identified mutants living right here in the United States.

Dr. Jean Grey: Senator...

Senator Kelly: Here's a girl in Illinois who can walk through walls. Now what's to stop her from walking into a bank vault, or the White House, or

[indicating the gallery]

Senator Kelly: into their houses?

Dr. Jean Grey: Senator, please...

Senator Kelly: ...and there are even rumors, Miss Grey, of mutants so powerful that they can enter our minds and control our thoughts, taking away our God-given free will. Now I think the American people deserve the right to decide if they want their children to be in school with mutants. To be taught by mutants! Ladies and gentlemen, the truth is that mutants are very real, and that they are among us. We must know who they are, and above all, what they can do!

Prof. Charles Francis Xavier: Ah, Logan. I'd like you to meet Ororo Monroe, also called Storm. This is Scott Summers, also called Cyclops. They saved your life. I believe you already know Dr. Jean Grey. You are in my School for the Gifted for Mutants. You'll be safe here from Magneto.

Wolverine: What's a Magneto?

Prof. Charles Francis Xavier: A very powerful mutant. He believes that a war is brewing between mutants and the rest of humanity. I've been following his activities for some time. The man who attacked you is an associate of his called Sabertooth.

Wolverine: Sabertooth?

[looks at Storm]

Wolverine: Storm.

[looks at Xavier]

Wolverine: What do they call you? "Wheels"? This is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Students.

[looks at Cyclops]

Wolverine: And Cyclops, right?

[grabs Cyclops]

Wolverine: You wanna get outta my way?

Prof. Charles Francis Xavier: Logan, it's been almost fifteen years, hasn't it? Living from day to day, moving from place to place, with no memory of who or what you are.

Wolverine: Shut up!

Prof. Charles Francis Xavier: Give me a chance. I might be able to help you find some answers.

Wolverine: How do you know?

Prof. Charles Francis Xavier: [telepathy] You're not the only one with special gifts.

[Logan has found his way to the Professor's office]

Prof. Charles Francis Xavier: I'm Charles Xavier. Would you like some breakfast?

Logan: Where am I?

Prof. Charles Francis Xavier: Westchester, New York. My people brought you here for medical attention.

Logan: I don't need medical attention.

Prof. Charles Francis Xavier: Yes, of course.

Wolverine: Jean...

Dr. Jean Grey: Scott, when I tell you, open your eyes.

Cyclops: No!

Dr. Jean Grey: Trust me.

[Wolverine takes out Cyclops' visor]

Wolverine: You drop something?

[to Storm]

Sabretooth: You owe me a scream.

Sabretooth: [Sabretooth has Storm pinned to the wall]

[growls]

Sabretooth: Scream for me.

[to Sabretooth]

Wolverine: Hey, bub, I'm not finished with you yet.

Senator Kelly: What the hell have you done to me?

Magneto: Senator, this is pointless. Who would take you in now that your one of us?

Wolverine: This is mine!

[Logan confronts Magneto for the first time]

Magneto: You must be Wolverine. That remarkable metal doesn't run through your entire body, does it?

Logan: What do you want with me?

Magneto: You? My dear boy, who ever said I wanted you?

[Logan looks at Marie]

Rogue: I saved your life!

Logan: No, you didn't.

[after getting in the car with Logan/Wolverine]

Rogue: You don't have anything to eat, do you?

[Logan reaches across her into the glove compartment and hands her something to eat]

Rogue: I'm Rogue.

[looks across the seat to look at him and spots his dog tag]

Rogue: Were you in the army? Doesn't, doesn't that mean you were in the army?

[she stops talking and looks around. She spots the trailer in the back]

Rogue: Wow.

Logan: What?

Rogue: It's just that, suddenly my life doesn't look that bad.

Logan: Well, if you prefer the road...

Rogue: [quickly] No, it looks great. It looks cozy.

[They go quiet. Rogue begins to rub her cold hand together. Logan turns on the heater]

Logan: Put your hands on the heater.

[He reaches for her hand and she pulls back]

Logan: I'm not gonna hurt you kid.

Rogue: [shakes her head and puts back on her gloves] It's nothing personal. It's just that, when people touch my skin, something happens.

Logan: What?

Rogue: I don't know, they just get hurt.

Logan: Fair enough. So, what kind of name is Rogue?

Rogue: I don't know. What kind of name is Wolverine?

Logan: My name is Logan.

Rogue: Marie.

Logan: [Logan's first line] Beer.

Rogue: [tracing the passage along a map] Niagra Falls... up the Canadian Rockies, and then... it's only a few hundred miles to Anchorage.

Rogue's Boyfriend: Won't it be kinda cold?

Rogue: Well, that's the point, stupid, otherwise it wouldn't be an adventure!

Dr. Jean Grey: Ladies and gentlemen, we are now seeing the beginnings of another stage of human evolution. These mutations manifest at puberty, and are often triggered by periods of heightened emotional stress.

Senator Kelly: Thank you, Miss Grey! That was-quite educational. However it fails to address the issue which is the focus of this hearing. Three words: are mutants dangerous.

Magneto: [pointing to his head] Are you sneaking around in here, Charles? Whatever are you looking for?

Prof. Charles Francis Xavier: I'm looking for hope.

Magneto: I will bring you hope, old friend, and I ask only one thing in return - don't get in my way.

[walks away]

Magneto: We are the future, Charles, not them. They no longer matter.

Rogue: You know, you should wear your seat belt.

Wolverine: Now look, kid, I don't need advice on auto...

[car crashes]

Dr. Jean Grey: I think you'll be comfortable here.

Wolverine: Where's your room?

Dr. Jean Grey: With Scott, down the hall.

Wolverine: Is that your gift? Putting up with that guy?

Dr. Jean Grey: Actually, I'm telekinetic. I can move things with my mind.

Wolverine: Really? What kind of things?

Dr. Jean Grey: [shuts closet doors behind him with her mind] All kinds of things. I also have some telepathic ability.

Wolverine: Like the Professor?

Dr. Jean Grey: Nowhere near that powerful. But he's teaching me to develop it.

Wolverine: I'm sure he is. So read my mind.

Dr. Jean Grey: I'd rather not.

Wolverine: C'mon. You afraid you might like it?

Dr. Jean Grey: I doubt it.

[the X-Men help Senator Kelly, a victim of Magneto's mutant machine]

Senator Kelly: I was afraid they'd...

Prof. Charles Francis Xavier: Treat you like a mutant?

[pause]

Prof. Charles Francis Xavier: We're not what you think. Not all of us.

Senator Kelly: Tell that to the ones who did this to me.

Rogue: The first boy I ever kissed ended up in a coma for three weeks. I can still feel him inside my head. It's the same with you.

Wolverine: There's not many people that'll understand what you're going through. But I think this guy, Xavier, is one of them. He seems to genuinely want to help you. And that's a rare thing, for people like us.

Magneto: You "homo sapiens" and your guns!

[Sabretooth suddenly grabs Magneto by the throat]

Prof. Charles Francis Xavier: [through Sabretooth] That's enough, Eric!

Magneto: Why not come out where I can see you, Charles?

Prof. Charles Francis Xavier: What do you want her for?

Magneto: [taps his helmet] Can't you read my mind?... What now? Save the girl? You'll have to kill me, Charles. And what will that accomplish? Let them pass that law, and they'll have you in chains with a number burned into your forehead!

Prof. Charles Francis Xavier: It won't be that way!

Magneto: Then kill me and find out.

[pause]

Magneto: No? Then release me.

[pause]

Magneto: Fine.

[sets off the guns with his magnetism, halting the bullets before they pierce the policemen's bodies]

Magneto: Care to press your luck, Charles? I don't think I can stop them all.

[Sabretooth releases Magneto]

Magneto: Still unwilling to make sacrifices. That's what makes you weak. Goodbye, Charles.

[commenting on the X-Men uniforms]

Wolverine: You actually go outside in these things?

Cyclops: Well, what would you prefer? Yellow spandex?

Logan: [finds Rouge stowing away in his trailer] Hey! What the hell are you doing?

Rogue: I'm sorry. I need a ride, I thought you could help me. I... I don't have any money. Could you give me a lift to the next town or...

Logan: [cutting her off] Get out!

Rogue: [as Logan pulls her out] But we're in the middle of nowhere. Where am I supposed to go?

Logan: [shrugs] I don't know.

Rogue: You don't know, or you don't care?

Logan: [cynical tone] Pick one!

Storm: Help us! Fight with us!

Logan: Fight with you! Join the team? Be an X-Man? Who the hell do you think you are? You're a mutant. The whole world out there is full of people who hate and fear you and you're wasting your time trying to protect them? I've got better things to do!

Senator Kelly: Thank you, Miss Grey! That was-quite educational. However it fails to address the issue which is the focus of this hearing. Three words: are mutants dangerous. Three words: Are mutants dangerous?

Doctor Jean Grey: That's an unfair question, Senator Kelly. After all, the wrong person behind the wheel of a car can be dangerous.

Senator Kelly: Well, we do license people to drive.

Doctor Jean Grey: But not to live.

Storm: Do you know what happens to a toad when it's struck by lightning?

[pause]

Storm: The same thing that happens to everything else.

[trapped inside the Statue of Liberty]

Cyclops: Storm, fry him!

Magneto: Oh yes! A bolt of lightning into a huge copper conductor. I thought you lived at a school?

Prof. Charles Francis Xavier: Don't give up on them, Erik.

Magneto: What would you have me do, Charles? I've heard these arguments before.

Prof. Charles Francis Xavier: That was a long time ago. Mankind has evolved since then.

Magneto: Yes, into us.

Mystique: [to Senator Kelly] You know, people like you are the reason I was afraid to go to school as a child.

[discussing Wolverine]

Prof. Charles Francis Xavier: There are more powerful mutants out there. Why should this one be so important?

Cyclops: Maybe it's his way with people.

Prof. Charles Francis Xavier: You don't like him?

Cyclops: How could you tell?

Prof. Charles Francis Xavier: Well, I am psychic, you know.

Wolverine: Well, it certainly is a big, round room.

Wolverine: You going to tell me to stay away from your girl?

Cyclops: If I had to do that, she wouldn't be my girl.

Wolverine: Well, then I guess you've got nothing to worry about, do ya, Cyclops?

Cyclops: It must burn you up that a boy like me saved your life, huh? Gotta be careful. I might not be there next time. Oh, and Logan - stay away from my girl.

Wolverine: Felt like she killed me.

Prof. Charles Francis Xavier: If she held on any longer, she could have.

[first lines]

Prof. Charles Francis Xavier: [narration] Mutation: it is the key to our evolution. It has enabled us to evolve from a single-celled organism into the dominant species on the planet. This process is slow, and normally taking thousands and thousands of years. But every few hundred millennia, evolution leaps forward.

[In the ring, before the fight with Wolverine]

Emcee: Whatever you do, don't hit him in the balls.

Stu: You said "anything goes"!

Emcee: Anything goes, but he'll take it personal.

[At the Statue of Liberty]

Magneto: Magnificent, isn't she?

Rogue: I've seen it.

Magneto: I first saw her in 1949. America was going to be the land of tolerance. Peace.

Rogue: Are you going to kill me?

Magneto: Yes.

Rogue: Why?

Magneto: Because there is no land of tolerance. There is no peace. Not here, or anywhere else.

Prof. Charles Francis Xavier: Where are you going?

Wolverine: To find her.

Storm: How?

Wolverine: The traditional way: look!

Logan: There's someone here.

Cyclops: Where?

Logan: I don't know. Keep your eye open.

[Preparing Senator Kelly for the mutation machine]

Senator Kelly: What are you going to do?

Magneto: Let's just say God works too slow.

Cyclops: All right, we can insert here at the George Washington Bridge, come around the bank just off of Manhattan, land on the far side of Liberty Island, here.

Wolverine: What about harbor patrol? Radar?

Cyclops: If they have anything that can pick up our jet, they deserve to catch us.

Senator Kelly: [on registering mutants] We must know who they are, and above all, what they can do.

Logan: Everybody get out of here!

Storm: Why?

Logan: I can't move.

Magneto: Ah, my brothers, welcome.

[Looks at Logan]

Magneto: And you,let's point those claws of your in the safer direction.

[Sabretooth has returned without Rogue]

Toad: Weren't you supposed to bring someone back with you?

Sabretooth: [growls] Shut up!

Logan: Have you ever...

Dr. Jean Grey: Used Cerebro? No. It takes a degree of control and for someone like me it's...

Cyclops: Dangerous.

Stu: You owe me some money.

Stu's friend: Come on, Stu.

Stu: No one takes a beating like that without a mark to show for it.

Stu's friend: Come on, Stu...

Stu: [leans in, whispering] I know what you are.

Wolverine: You lost your money. You keep this up you'll lose something else.

Wolverine: Gotta get her out of there. Cyclops, can you hit it?

Cyclops: The ring's moving too fast.

Wolverine: Just shoot it!

Cyclops: I'll kill her!

Storm: You could fly right over the torch.

Wolverine: Then let me go. If I don't make it, then at least you can still blast the damn thing!

Cyclops: All right, do it. Jean use your power, try to steady him.

Storm: Hang on to something.

Magneto: Why do none of you understand what I'm trying to do? Those people down there- they control our fate and the fate of every other mutant! Well, soon our fate will be theirs.

[Rogue screams for help]

Wolverine: You're so full of shit! If you're really so righteous, it'd be you in that thing.

Wolverine: That tickles.

Dr. Jean Grey: Hey.

Wolverine: Hey!

Dr. Jean Grey: How are you feeling?

Wolverine: Fantastic.

[the bartender is pointing his shotgun at Wolverine]

Bartender: Get out of my bar, freak!

[Cyclops lands the plane abruptly]

Cyclops: Sorry.

Wolverine: You call that a landing?

Cyclops: Wait a second! You said this machine draws its power from Magneto, and that it weakened him.

Prof. Charles Francis Xavier: Yes, in fact it nearly killed him.

Wolverine: He's going to transfer his power to Rogue and use her to power the machine.

[Magneto shoots Rogue with a tranquilizer dart while she runs away]

Magneto: Young people.

[to Sabertooth, who has just been thrown through the wall by Storm]

Toad: Quit playin' around!

Magneto: Toad has a wicked tongue, Senator. Just like you.

Rogue: Hey.

[Logan turns and looks at her]

Rogue: You running again?

Logan: No, not really. I've got some things to take care of up north.

Rogue: Oh.

[They stand in silence for a few moments, then Logan reaches out and plays with her hair, which now has a prominent white streak. She jumps back a little and then smiles]

Rogue: I kinda like it.

Logan: Yeah.

Rogue: I don't want you to go.

[Logan looks around at his small pack of stuff and then undoes his dog tags. Then he takes her hand, places them inside, then pushes her fingers over them. She looks up at him]

Logan: I'll be back for this.

[He turns and walks out the door with her staring after him, smiling]

Mystique: [as Bobby] Never use your power against another mutant.

Dr. Jean Grey: I saw Senator Kelly.

Magneto: So, the senator survived the fall, and the swim to shore. He's become more powerful than I imagined.

Dr. Jean Grey: He's dead. Just like all those people out there will be.

Storm: It's true. I watched him die.

Magneto: Are you sure you saw what you saw?

Prof. Charles Francis Xavier: Mankind is not evil, just... uninformed.

Wolverine: How is she?

Dr. Jean Grey: She's fine.

[pause]

Dr. Jean Grey: I think she's still taken with you.

Wolverine: Well you can tell her... my heart belongs to... someone else.

Magneto: What happended?

Sabretooth: They knew.

Magneto: Charles!

[Magneto examins Wolverine's army dog tags that Sabertooth is now wearing]

Magneto: Where's the mutant now?

Sabretooth: With them.

Magneto: I have made the first move. That is all they know. Come, the UN summit is approaching. Time for our little test.

Dr. Jean Grey: [after examining Wolverine] The metal is an alloy called adamantium, supposedly indestructible. It's been surgically grafted to his entire skeleton.

Storm: How could he have survived a procedure like that?

Dr. Jean Grey: His mutation. He has uncharted regenerative capabilities, enabling him to heal rapidly. It also makes his age impossible to determine. He could very well be older than you, Professor.

Cyclops: Who did this to him?

Dr. Jean Grey: He doesn't know. Nor does he remember anything about his life before it happened.

Prof. Charles Francis Xavier: Experimentation on mutants. It's not unheard of, but I've never seen anything like this before.

Cyclops: What do you think Magneto wants with him?

Prof. Charles Francis Xavier: I'm not entirely sure it's him Magneto wants.

[Storm comes back up through the elevator]

Toad: Don't you people ever die?

Cyclops: [about Wolverine] He's not one of us. There's no way he's going to take orders.

Prof. Charles Francis Xavier: Give him an order worth following. He'll take it.

Senator Kelly: What'd you do with Henry?

Magneto: Your aide, Mr. Gyrich, has been dead for some time, senator. I've had Mystique here keep you company. She takes so many shapes.

[Wolverine stabs Storm]

Wolverine: You're not one of the team!

[Storm collapses, and is revealed to be a disguised Mystique]

Magneto: [to Rogue] I am so sorry...

[forcibly transfers his powers to her]

Wolverine: [to Jean Gray] So... couldn't wait to get my shirt off again.

[grins]

Wolverine: [to Rogue] What do you say we give the geeks another chance?

Prof. Charles Francis Xavier: [at a map] This is a military base situated near Alkali Lake. It isn't much, but if you go there, you might get a few clues as to what happened to you.

Wolverine: Thank you.

Prof. Charles Francis Xavier: [reading Logan's mind] Are you going to say goodbye to her?

[last lines]

[Xavier and Magneto play a game of chess at Magneto's cell]

Magneto: Does it ever wake you in the middle of the night? The feeling that one day they will pass that foolish law or one just like it, and come for you? And your children?

Prof. Charles Francis Xavier: It does, indeed.

Magneto: What do you do, when you wake up to that?

Prof. Charles Francis Xavier: I feel a great swell of pity for the poor fool who comes to that school... looking for trouble.

Magneto: [halts the game, sighs] Why do you come here, Charles?

Prof. Charles Francis Xavier: Why do you ask questions to which you already know the answer?

Magneto: Ah, yes. Your continuing search for hope.

[motions to the guard to take Xavier away]

Magneto: You know this plastic prison of theirs won't hold me forever. The war is still coming, Charles. And I intend to fight it, by any means necessary.

Prof. Charles Francis Xavier: And I will always be there, old friend.

Logan: [to Rogue] I'm not your father. I'm your friend.

Prof. Charles Xavier: [final words to Jean] Don't let it control you.

[gets disintegrated]

John Allerdyce: Gettin' the cure so you can go back home to Mommy and Daddy?

Bobby Drake: I'm lookin' for someone.

[looks around, sees mutants lining up to get cure]

John Allerdyce: Oh. I get it. Your girlfriend. I figured she'd want the cure. She's pathetic.

Bobby Drake: [clenches fist angrily, starts to freeze up]

John Allerdyce: [lights a fireball] Come on, Iceman. Make a move.

Bobby Drake: [long pause, then turns and walks away]

John Allerdyce: Same old Bobby. Still afraid of a fight!

[turns around and ignites "The Cure" building]

Dr. Hank McCoy: Have you even begun to think what a slippery slope you're on?

The President: I have. And I worry about how democracy survives when one man can move cities with his mind.

Dr. Hank McCoy: As do I.

Ororo Munroe: [greets Dr. McCoy] I love what you've done with your hair.

Dr. Hank McCoy: Mmm. You too.

Ororo Munroe: I don't understand. Magneto's a fugitive. We have a mutant in the cabinet, a president who understands us. Why are we still hiding?

Prof. Charles Xavier: We're not hiding. But we still have enemies out there. And I must protect our students. You know that.

Ororo Munroe: Yes, but we can't be students forever.

Prof. Charles Xavier: [chuckles] Storm, I hadn't thought of you as my student for years. In fact, I thought that, perhaps, you might take my place some day.

Ororo Munroe: But Scott's...

Prof. Charles Xavier: Scott's a changed man. He took Jean's death so hard. Yes, things are better out there. But you, of all people, know how fast the weather can change.

Ororo Munroe: There's something you're not telling us.

Logan: It's over, Jean. It's over.

[Soldiers come up the hill and try to shoot at Jean with the cure]

Logan: No! Don't shoot!

[Jean disintegrates the cure that was shot at her and starts to fly; then she disintegrates the soldiers]

Logan: Noooo!

Eric Lensherr: Did you think you were the only one of your kind, young lady?

Prof. Charles Xavier: We're mutants, Jean. We're like you.

Young Jean Grey: Really? I doubt that.

[everything behind her begins to levitate]

Eric Lensherr: Oh, Charles, I like this one.

Marie: [cured] I'm sorry, I had to.

Bobby Drake: Marie, this isn't what I wanted...

Marie: I know. It's what I want.

Logan: [to Colossus] This is it! Let's make it a strike!

[Colossus uses the Fastball Special and throws Wolverine at Magneto... who stops him]

Eric Lensherr: You never learn, do you?

Logan: ...actually, I do.

[Beast jumps Magneto from behind and injects him with the Cure]

Eric Lensherr: [powers fading] I'm...

Logan: One of them?

Raven Darkholme: [after she's intercepted a cure meant for Magneto] Eric?

Eric Lensherr: I'm sorry, my dear. You're not one of us anymore.

Logan: I'm the only one who can stop her.

Phoenix: You would die for them?

Logan: No. Not for them. For you. For you.

Dr. Jean Grey: [surfacing] Save me.

Logan: I love you.

[stabs Jean]

Logan: [talking about "The Cure"] Well, for all we know, the government helped cook this up.

Dr. Hank McCoy: I can assure you, the government had nothing to do with this.

Logan: I've heard that before.

Dr. Hank McCoy: My boy, I have been fighting for mutant rights since before you had claws.

Logan: [to the Professor] Did he just call me boy?

Logan: Hey Scott, they were lookin' for you downstairs. You didn't show.

Scott Summers: What do you care?

Logan: Well, for starters, I had to cover your ass.

Scott Summers: I didn't ask you to.

Logan: No, you didn't. The Professor did. I was just passing through.

Scott Summers: So pass through, Logan.

[Scott turns away]

Logan: [Logan grabs his arm] Hey, look. I know how you feel.

Scott Summers: Don't.

Logan: When Jean died...

Scott Summers: I said don't.

Logan: Maybe it's time for us to move on.

Scott Summers: [Scott walks away, then turns back to Logan] Not everybody heals as fast as you, Logan.

Logan: [while he and Beast are fighting off Magneto's forces] I thought you were a diplomat.

Dr. Hank McCoy: As Churchill said, "There comes a time when every man must..."

[pauses to fight off another baddie, then another, then another]

Dr. Hank McCoy: Oh, you get the point!

Eric Lensherr: Charles Xavier did more for mutants than you will ever know. My single greatest regret is that he had to die for our dream to live.

Prof. Charles Xavier: [to Class] When an individual acquires great power, the use or misuse of that power is everything. Will it be used for the greater good? Or will it be used for personal or for destructive ends? Now this is a question we must all ask ourselves. Why? Because we are mutants.

Kitty Pryde: But Einstein said that ethics are an exclusive human concern, without any superhuman authority behind it.

Prof. Charles Xavier: Einstein wasn't a mutant, so far as we know.

Mutant Theatre Organizer: This cure is voluntary. Nobody's is talking about extermination.

Eric Lensherr: No one ever talks about it. They just do it. And you go on with your lives, ignoring the signs all around you. And then, one day, when the air is still and the night has fallen, they come for you.

Mutant Theatre Organizer: [interrupting] Excuse me, but...

Eric Lensherr: It's only that you realize, while you were talking about organizing and committees, the extermination has already begun. Make no mistake, my brothers. They will draw first blood. They will force their cure upon us. The only question is, will my brotherhood and fight, or wait for the inevitable genocide? Who will you stand with - the humans... or us?

Warren Worthington, Sr.: Warren, it's a better life. It's what we all want.

Warren Worthington III: No. It's what YOU want.

[flies off]

Dr. Hank McCoy: Oh, my stars and garters.

Raven Darkholme: [as the President of the United States] Let me out of here! I demand that you release me! Do you know who I am? I am the President of the United States!

Prison Truck Guard: Oh, Mr. President... shut up!

Raven Darkholme: [as a little girl] Why are you doing this? Let me down! I'll be a good girl! Please!

Prison Truck Guard: Keep it up and I'll spray you in the face, bitch!

Raven Darkholme: [still as a little girl] When I get out of here, I'm gonna kill you myself.

Prison Truck Guard: Yeah, right!

[Later, she fulfills her vow]

Raven Darkholme: Told you so.

Cain Marko: Don't you know who I am? I'm the Juggernaut, bitch!

Phoenix: [levitating everything in the room, the dropping it when The Professor and Magneto enter the room] I knew you'd come.

Prof. Charles Xavier: Of course. I've come to take you home.

Phoenix: I have no home.

Prof. Charles Xavier: Yes, you do. You have a home, and a family.

Eric Lensherr: You know he thinks your power is too strong for you to control.

Prof. Charles Xavier: Eric...

Eric Lensherr: I don't believe your mind games are going to work anymore, Charles.

Phoenix: So you want to control me?

Prof. Charles Xavier: No.

Eric Lensherr: He does.

Prof. Charles Xavier: No, I want to help you.

Phoenix: Help me? What's wrong with me?

Eric Lensherr: Absolutely nothing.

Prof. Charles Xavier: Eric, stop!

Eric Lensherr: No, Charles, not this time. You've always held her back!

Prof. Charles Xavier: For your own good, Jean.

Phoenix: [throws a lamp across the room telekinetically] Stay out of my head!

Limb-Growing Mutant: [Wolverine is slicing the arms off a mutant who grows them back] Come on.

Logan: [Wolverine, using all his strength, kicks him in the balls. The mutant falls over] Grow those back.

Logan: The Professor can help. He can fix it...

Phoenix: I don't want to fix it!

[slams Logan against the wall and walks off]

Prof. Charles Xavier: I don't have to be psychic to see that something's bothering you.

Dr. Jean Grey: [turning from Phoenix into a confused Jean] Where am I?

Logan: You're in the mansion. You need to tell me what happened to Scott.

Dr. Jean Grey: [sobbing] Kill me.

Logan: What?

Dr. Jean Grey: Kill me before I kill someone else.

Logan: Don't say that.

Dr. Jean Grey: Please.

Logan: Stop it.

Dr. Jean Grey: [turning into Dark Phoenix] Kill me.

Young Angel: [after he cuts the wings off his back] Dad, I'm sorry.

Cain Marko: You gonna let me outta here? I need to pee.

Dr. Hank McCoy: [to Wolverine] You're saying you saw Magneto?

John Allerdyce: Nice helmet.

Cain Marko: Keeps my face pretty.

Raven Darkholme: This man robbed seven banks...

[five copies of Multiple Man walk out of the cell]

Raven Darkholme: at the same time.

Eric Lensherr: I could use a man of your talents.

Multiple Man: I'm in.

Eric Lensherr: [regarding Mystique] Such a shame. She was so beautiful.

Logan: Don't get your panties in a bunch.

Cain Marko: I'm the wrong guy to play hide-and-seek with.

Kitty Pryde: Who's hiding... dickhead?

Eric Lensherr: In chess, the pawns go first.

Eric Lensherr: [addressing the Brotherhood] They wish to cure us. But I say to you, WE are the cure! The cure for that infirm, imperfect condition called "Homo sapiens"! They have their weapons...

[gestures to the Phoenix]

Eric Lensherr: ... we have ours. We will strike with a vengeance and a fury that this world has never witnessed! And if any mutants stand in our way, we will use this poison against them! We shall go to Alcatraz Island, take control of the cure, and destroy its source! And then, nothing can stop us!

Logan: That was my last cigar.

Logan: Who's the furball?


	4. Chapter 3 Getting Used to This

Dr. Hank McCoy: Hank McCoy, Secretary of Mutant Affairs

Logan: Right, right. The secretary. Nice suit.

Prof. Charles Xavier: Henry, this is Logan. He's, uh...

Dr. Hank McCoy: Wolverine. I hear you are quite an animal.

Logan: Look who's talkin'.

John Allerdyce: Now, check this out. "Prisoner must be confined at all times. If he builds any momentum, no object can stop him."

Eric Lensherr: How fascinating. And what do they call you?

Cain Marko: Juggernaut.

Eric Lensherr: I can't imagine why.

Logan: [to Colossus and Rogue] The whole world's goin' to hell, you're just gonna sit there?

Raven Darkholme: About time

Eric Lensherr: I've been busy. Did you find what you were looking for?

Raven Darkholme: The source of the cure is a mutant, a child at Worthington Labs. Without him, they have nothing.

Eric Lensherr: [to Pyro as he levitates to him the prisoner manifest] Read off the guest list.

Callisto: If you're so proud of being a mutant, where's your mark?

Eric Lensherr: I have been marked once, my dear, and let me assure you,

[pulls back his sleeve to reveal the Nazi concentration camp serial number tattooed on his arm]

Eric Lensherr: no needle shall ever touch my skin again.

The Interrogator: Where is Magneto? Raven? Raven, I asked you a question.

Raven Darkholme: I don't answer to my slave name.

The Interrogator: Raven Darkholme. That's your real name, isn't it? Or has he convinced you you don't have a family anymore?

Raven Darkholme: My family tried to kill me, you pathetic meat sack.

Warren Worthington, Sr.: [as Psylocke and Arclight dangle him from a rooftop] I was only trying to help you people.

Kid Omega: Do we look like we need your help?

Trask: [about the upcoming raid on Magneto's camp] Two minutes to rendezvous, Mr. President. We have a satellite feed of Magneto's base of operations.

The President: How did we find it?

Trask: [glances at another monitor] She gave us everything we wanted and more.

[the monitor shows Raven, fully human, undergoing a debriefing]

The President: Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

Logan: [to Colossus] Hey, Tin Man! Come here! How's you're throwing arm?

Ororo Munroe: Logan, we work as a team.

Logan: Yeah, good luck with that. Throw me. Now!

Ororo Munroe: Damn it, Logan! Don't do this!

Logan: [Colossus grabs Logan and throws at the incoming Sentinel robot, Logan slices off its head and it falls to the ground; he comes from behind the giant head] Class dismissed.

[first lines]

Eric Lensherr: I still don't know why *I'm* here. Couldn't you just make them say yes?

Prof. Charles Xavier: Yes, I could, but it's not my way. And I would expect you, of all people would understand my feelings about the misuse of power.

Eric Lensherr: Ah, "power corrupts" and all that. Yes, I know, Charles. When are you going to stop lecturing me?

Prof. Charles Xavier: When you start listening. And you're here because I need you.

Dr. Hank McCoy: He's going for the boy!

Kitty Pryde: Not if I get there first!

Dr. Hank McCoy: [wearing his old X-men jacket] Hard to believe this once fit me.

Logan: They're ready.

Ororo Munroe: Yeah, I know. But are you ready to do what's necessary when the time comes?

John Allerdyce: You're in over your head, Bobby.

[starts throwing fire even harder]

John Allerdyce: Maybe you should go back to school.

Bobby Drake: [Bobby turns his entire body into ice, grabs John's arms and headbutts him] You never should have left.

Logan: This isn't training anymore, guys. This is the real deal... You may never come back.

Bobby Drake: Logan, we're not kids anymore.

Eric Lensherr: [to Phoenix] Do you remember when we first met? Do you know what I saw when I looked at you? I saw the next stage of evolution both Charles and I dreamt of finding. And I thought to myself, "Why would Charles want to turn this goddess into a mortal?"

[He holds up the cure gun]

Eric Lensherr: I can manipulate the metal in this, but you, you can do anything. ANYTHING you can think of.

[the Phoenix telekinetically breaks apart the gun, and steers its cure darts towards Magneto... ]

Eric Lensherr: [alarmed] That's enough, Jean... enough! ENOUGH!

Phoenix: [At the last moment, she stops] You sound just like him.

Eric Lensherr: Nooo, HE wanted to hold you back.

Phoenix: And what do you want?

Eric Lensherr: I want you as you are. As nature intended.

Marie: Is it true? Can they cure us?

Prof. Charles Xavier: Yes, Rogue. It appears to be true.

Ororo Munroe: No, Professor. They can't cure us. You want to know why? Because there's nothin' to cure. Nothing's wrong with you. Or any of us, for that matter.

Logan: You're talkin' about a person's mind here, about Jean.

Prof. Charles Xavier: She has to be controlled.

Logan: Control? You know, sometimes when you cage the beast, the beast gets angry.

Multiple Man: [as him and his decoys are surrounded at the Brotherhood camp] Okay. I give up.

Bobby Drake: There's only six of us, Logan.

Logan: Yeah. We're outnumbered. I'm not gonna lie to you. But we lost Scott. We lost the Professor. If we don't fight now, everything they stood for will die with them. I'm not gonna let that happen. Are you?

[Bobby shakes his head]

Logan: Then we stand together... X-Men, all of us.

Dr. Hank McCoy: A major pharmaceutical company has developed a mutant antibody - a way to suppress the mutant "X" gene.

Logan: Suppress?

Dr. Hank McCoy: Permanently. They're calling it a cure.

Prof. Charles Xavier: Since the dawn of existence, there have always been moments when the course of history shifted. Such a turning point is upon us now: the conflict between the better and worst angels of our very nature, whose outcome will change our world so greatly there will be no going back. I do not know if victory is possible. I only know that great sacrifice will be required. And because the fate of many will depend on a few, we must make the last stand.

Dr. Moira MacTaggart: [on a videotape] Mutant ethics arise when discussing which of two rights is for a greater good. For instance, would it be wise to transfer the mind of a dying father, into a comatose patient? The answer to this question is the core of mutant ethics...

Logan: [shocked] She killed Scott...

Prof. Charles Xavier: What have you done?

Callisto: I just sensed a mutant, off the charts. Whoever it is, they're more powerful than even you are...

Eric Lensherr: [remembering] Where is she?

Ororo Munroe: We live in an age of darkness: a world full of fear, hate and intolerance. But in every age, there are those who fight against it. Charles Xavier was born into a world divided, a world he tried to heal... a mission he never saw accomplished. It seems it's the destiny of great men to see their goals unfulfilled. Charles was more than a leader, more than a teacher. He was a friend. When we were afraid, he gave us strength. When we were alone, he gave us a family. He may be gone, but his teachings live on through us, his students. Wherever we may go, we must carry on his vision. And that is a vision of a world united.

Ororo Munroe: [about the cure] Since when did we become a disease?

Eric Lensherr: Humans and their guns...

[sees his magnetism is ineffective]

Eric Lensherr: Plastic. They've learnt.

Dr. Jean Grey: [Jean Gray awakes, Logan being the first person she sees] Back where we first met... only I'm in your place, and you're in mine.

Dr. Hank McCoy: Not all of us can fit in so easily. You don't shed on the furniture.

Cain Marko: [on the Golden Gate Bridge, looking over at Alcatraz] How we supposed to get there? Cause I don't swim.

Eric Lensherr: I think I can take care of that...

Scott Summers: Jean?

Dr. Jean Grey: Scott?

Scott Summers: How...?

Dr. Jean Grey: I don't know...

[they kiss - Scott screams... ]

Dr. Jean Grey: Logan, you're making me blush.

Bobby Drake: You don't seem fine; you seem like you're avoiding me. I mean, something's wrong.

Marie: What's wrong is I can't touch my boyfriend without killing him. Other than that, I'm wonderful.

Bobby Drake: Hey, I don't think that's fair. Have I ever put any pressure on you?

Marie: You're a guy, Bobby. Your mind's only on one thing.

Eric Lensherr: [the X-Men stand between Alcatraz and the Brotherhood] Traitors to their own cause...

Logan: This isn't you...

Phoenix: No, it is me.

Logan: No, it isn't. Maybe you should take it easy. The Professor said you might be... different.

Phoenix: He would know, wouldn't he? What, you didn't think he's in your mind too? Look at you, Logan. He's tamed you.

[after credits]

Dr. Moira MacTaggart: Good morning.

[tends to her patient, who suddenly looks at her]

Prof. Charles Xavier: Hello, Moira.

Dr. Moira MacTaggart: ...Charles?

Eric Lensherr: [Magneto captures Logan, who was sneaking around his camp and pulls Logan towards him] I know the smell of your adamantium from a mile away!

Logan: I didn't come here to fight you!

Eric Lensherr: Smart boy.

Logan: I came for Jean!

Eric Lensherr: You think I'm keeping her here against her will? She's here because she wants to be.

Logan: You have no idea what you're dealing with!

Eric Lensherr: I know full well. I saw what she did to Charles.

Logan: And you just stood there and let him die?

Eric Lensherr: [moving the Golden Gate Bridge towards Alcatraz] Charles always wanted to build bridges...

[last lines]

[Wolverine watches a TV]

The President: And now, it's my great pleasure to introduce the American Ambassador for the United Nations: Dr. Hank McCoy!

Dr. Hank McCoy: Thank you...

Logan: Way to go, furball.

Eric Lensherr: [as the Dark Phoenix rises, Magneto looks shocked] What have I done?

[runs]

Ororo Munroe: We work together as a team!

Logan: Best defense is a good offense.

[Later in the final battle on Alcatraz]

Logan: We work together as a team!

Ororo Munroe: Best defense is a good offense.

Mr. Grey: We don't know if you can treat her sickness...

Eric Lensherr: Sickness?

Bobby Drake: Where's Marie? Did she...?

Peter Rasputin: Yeah. She took off.

Kid Omega: [to Magneto] You talk pretty tough for a guy in a cape.

Pyro: [ignites a fireball] Back off!

Peter Parker: Can I do anything for you?

Aunt May: You do too much - college, a job, all this time with me... You're not Superman, you know.

Norman Osborn: Sorry I'm late. Work was murder.

[last lines]

Peter Parker: [voiceover] Whatever life holds in store for me, I will never forget these words: "With great power comes great responsibility." This is my gift, my curse. Who am I? I'm Spider-man.

Peter Parker: You don't trust anyone, that's your problem.

J. Jonah Jameson: I trust my barber.

J. Jonah Jameson: If we can get a picture of Julia Roberts in a thong, we can certainly get a picture of this weirdo.

Uncle Ben: I don't mean to lecture and I don't mean to preach. And I know I'm not your father...

Peter Parker: Then stop pretending to be!

Peter Parker: Hey, it's me again!

Mary Jane: Hey!

Peter Parker: How was your audition?

Mary Jane: How'd you know?

Peter Parker: The hotline. Your mom, told my aunt, told me.

Mary Jane: So you just came by?

Peter Parker: I was in the neighborhood, needed to see a friendly face. I took three buses and a cab to *get* in the neighborhood, but... So how'd it go?

Mary Jane: [wryly] Oh. They said I needed acting lessons. A *soap opera* told me I needed acting lessons.

Peter Parker: Lemme buy you a cheeseburger. The sky's the limit, up to seven dollars... and eighty-four cents.

Mary Jane: [laughs] I'd like a cheeseburger. Oh, but I'm going out to dinner with Harry.

[pause]

Mary Jane: Come with us.

Peter Parker: No thanks. How's it going with...

[Mary Jane looks down]

Peter Parker: Never mind, it's none of my business.

Mary Jane: It's not? Why so interested?

Peter Parker: I'm not.

Mary Jane: You're not?

Peter Parker: Well... Why would I be?

Mary Jane: [playfully] I dunno. Why would you be?

Peter Parker: [smiles, not knowing what to say] I dunno.

Mary Jane: Sorry you won't come with us. I better run, Tiger.

Mary Jane: Has he mentioned me?

Peter Parker: Yeah.

Mary Jane: What'd he say?

Peter Parker: Uh... I said... he asked me what I thought about you.

Mary Jane: And what did you say?

Peter Parker: I said... uh... Spider-Man, I said uh... The great thing about MJ is... when you look in her eyes and she's looking back in yours... everything... feels... not quite normal. Because you feel stronger and weaker at the same time. You feel excited and at the same time, terrified. The truth is... you don't know what you feel except you know what kind of man you want to be. It's as if you've reached the unreachable and you weren't ready for it."

Mary Jane: You said that?

Peter Parker: Well, something like that.

Peter Parker: [Harry walks in while they're holding hands] Hi...

Spider-Man: You have a knack for getting in trouble.

Mary Jane: You have a knack for saving my life. I think I have a superhero stalker.

Spider-Man: I was in the neighborhood...

[after Mary Jane's audition]

Mary Jane: So you just came by?

Peter Parker: I was in the neighborhood...

[Norman hears the Green Goblin cackling]

Norman Osborn: Is somebody there?

Green Goblin: [mocking] Somebody?

Norman Osborn: Who are you?

Green Goblin: Don't play the innocent with ME - you've known all along!

Norman Osborn: Where are you?

Green Goblin: Follow the cold shiver running down your spine...

[Norman wildly searches among his collection of masks for the source of the voice]

Green Goblin: [impatiently] I'm right HERE!

[Norman turns and confronts his reflection in a mirror]

Norman Osborn: I, I don't understand...

Green Goblin: Did you think it was coincidence - so many good things happening for you, all for you, Norman?

[He drains Norman's glass and hurls it away]

Norman Osborn: What do you want?

Green Goblin: To say what you won't, to do what you can't - to *remove* those in your way...

[He holds up a newspaper which Norman examines. The main headlines state the murder of the Oscorp Board of Governors at the hands of the Green Goblin]

Norman Osborn: The Board Members - you killed them!

Green Goblin: WE killed them!

Norman Osborn: We?

Green Goblin: Remember? Your little "accident" in the laboratory...?

Norman Osborn: The performance enhancers...

Green Goblin: Bingo. Me! Your greatest creation. Bringing you what you've always wanted: power beyond your wildest dreams and its only the beginning. There is only one who could stop us - or imagine if he joined us...

[as Norman watches in fear, the Goblin bares his teeth in an utterly manic grin... ]

Norman Osborn: [at Peter's graduation] I know this has been a difficult time for you, but I want you to try to enjoy this day. Commencement: the end of one thing, the start of something new.

[first words]

Green Goblin: Back to formula!

[he hurls Doctor Strong through glass and leaps after him, baring his teeth]

Green Goblin: [hurling a pumpkin bomb at the Oscorp Board of Governors] OUT, AM I?

[He quickly sends his glider over to Mary Jane]

Green Goblin: Hello, my dear!

[MJ screams]

Norman Osborn: What do you want?

Green Goblin: To say what you won't, to do what you can't, to remove those in your way.

Norman Osborn: [as he is dying] Peter? Don't tell Harry.

Green Goblin: [the Green Goblin has just pummeled Spider-Man] Misery, Misery, Misery, that's what you've chosen. I offered you friendship and you spat in my face.

[Green Goblin continues to beat Spider-Man]

Green Goblin: You've spun your last web, Spider-Man. If you had not been so selfish, your little girlfriend's death would have been quick and painless, but now that you've really pissed me off, I'm gonna finish her nice and slow. MJ and I, we're gonna have a hell of a time!

Green Goblin: [Green Goblin lunges forward, but Spider-Man blocks and pushes him into a brick wall] Peter, Peter, stop, it's me!

Spider-Man: [Green Goblin takes off his mask, revealing Norman Osborn] Mr. Osborn...

Green Goblin: Oh, Peter, thank God for you...

Spider-Man: You killed those people on that balcony!

Norman Osborn: The Goblin did it, I had nothing to do with it! Please, don't let him take me again! I beg of you, protect me!

Spider-Man: You tried to kill Aunt May! You tried to kill Mary Jane!

Norman Osborn: But not you? I tried to stop it, I couldn't stop it.

[Norman pushes a button on his suit and the glider rises]

Norman Osborn: If anything happened to me, I knew it was you who would save me and so you have, Peter thank god for you

Norman Osborn: [Norman rises up] Give me your hand, I've been like a father to you. Be a son to me now.

Spider-Man: I had a father, his name was Ben Parker.

Green Goblin: Godspeed, Spider-Man

Norman Osborn: [Warned by spider-sense, Spider-Man black flips over the oncoming glider] Oh!

[the glider impales Norman]

Norman Osborn: Peter, don't tell Harry.

[Spider-Man takes Norman Osborn's body to his home and places him on his bed. Unfortunately, Harry discovers him... ]

Harry Osborn: What have you done? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?

[He grabs a gun from a drawer, but finds Spider-Man gone... ]

Green Goblin: [lands in front of Spider-Man on a rooftop] Wake up little spider, no you're not dead, not yet, You're an amazing creature, Spider-Man. You and I are not so different.

Spider-Man: I'm not like you. You're a murderer.

Green Goblin: Well, to each his own. I chose my path, you chose the way of the hero. And they found you amusing for a while, the people of this city. But the one thing they love more than a hero is to see a hero fail, fall, die trying. In spite of everything you've done for them, eventually they will hate you. Why bother?

Spider-Man: Because it's right.

Green Goblin: [slaps Spider-Man on the head] Here's the real truth. There are eight million people in this city. And those teeming masses exist for the sole purpose of lifting the few exceptional people onto their shoulders. You, me? We're exceptional.

[leans in and grabs Spider-Man's neck]

Green Goblin: I could squash you like a bug right now, but I'm offering you a choice. Join me! Imagine what we could accomplish together... what we could create. Or we could destroy! Cause the deaths of countless innocents in selfish battle again and again and again until we're both dead! Is that what you want?

[jumps on the glider]

Green Goblin: Think about it, hero!

[the Goblin crashes through the Daily Bugle office]

Green Goblin: [grabbing Jameson by the throat] Jameson you slime! Who's the photographer who takes pictures of Spider-Man?

J. Jonah Jameson: I don't know who he is! His stuff comes in the mail!

Green Goblin: YOU'RE LYING!

J. Jonah Jameson: I swear!

Green Goblin: He's the one who can take me to him!

J. Jonah Jameson: I don't know who he is!

Green Goblin: [preparing to punch Jameson] You are useless you...!

Spider-Man: [appears upside-down outside the window] Settle down, tough guy.

Green Goblin: [drops Jameson and turns around on the glider] Speak of the Devil!

[Harry arrives at his home, but hears a strange cackling laugh]

Harry Osborn: Hello?

[Harry slowly walks up the stairs and rounds a corner]

Harry Osborn: Dad!

Norman Osborn: [rather befuddled] Oh, hello, Harry...

[Harry turns to leave]

Norman Osborn: Harry... I just wanted to say how sorry I am that I haven't been much of a father to you.

Harry Osborn: It's okay. You're a busy man.

Norman Osborn: That's no excuse.

[he takes a slightly surprised and confused Harry in his arms and holds him for one long, precious moment]

Norman Osborn: Take care of yourself, son. Don't make the same mistake I did.

Mary Jane: Who are you?

Spider-Man: You know who I am.

Mary Jane: I do?

Spider-Man: Your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man.

Hoffman: Mr. Jameson they are very important clients, they can't wait.

J. Jonah Jameson: They're about to.

[first lines]

Peter Parker: [voiceover] Who am I? You sure you want to know? The story of my life is not for the faint of heart. If somebody said it was a happy little tale... if somebody told you I was just your average ordinary guy, not a care in the world... somebody lied.

[in Aunt May's hospital room, talking about Mary Jane]

Peter Parker: Well, Harry's in love with her. She's still his girl.

Aunt May: Isn't that up to her?

Peter Parker: She doesn't really know who I am.

Aunt May: Because you won't let her. You're so mysterious all the time. Tell me, would it be so dangerous to let Mary Jane know how much you care? Everybody else KNOWS...

Maximilian Fargas: Norman, the board is unanimous. We're announcing the sale after the World Unity Festival. I'm sorry.

Henry Balkan: You're out, Norman.

Norman Osborn: Am I?

Peter Parker: Not everyone is meant to make a difference. But for me, the choice to lead an ordinary life is no longer an option.

Green Goblin: We'll meet again, Spider-Man!

Mary Jane: He's saved my life twice and I've never even seen his face.

Mary Jane: Do I get to say thank you this time?

Peter Parker: A hundred bucks? The ad said three thousand.

Wrestling Promoter: Well, check it again, web head. The ad said three grand, for three minutes, and you pinned him in two. For that I give you a hundred, and you're lucky to get that.

Peter Parker: I need that money.

Wrestling Promoter: I missed the part where that's my problem.

Wrestling Promoter: [after Peter lets an armed man escape with a bag full of cash] You coulda taken that guy apart! Now he's gonna get away with *my* money!

Peter Parker: I missed the part where that's my problem.

[talking about the web-crawler]

Surly Truck Driver: He stinks and I don't like him.

Green Goblin: Follow the cold shiver running down your spine.

Green Goblin: Can Spider-Man come out to play?

Green Goblin: You've spun your last web, Spider-Man.

Green Goblin: [to Spider-Man] You and I are not so different.

Spider-Man: I'm not like you. You're a murderer.

Green Goblin: Well... to each his own.

Mary Jane: [looking at spiders] Disgusting!

Harry Osborn: Yeah, I hate the little things.

Mary Jane: I love 'em.

Harry Osborn: Oh yeah, me too.

Uncle Ben: Peter, look. You're changing. I know. I went through exactly the same thing at your age.

Peter Parker: No. Not exactly.

[singing]

Green Goblin: The itsy bitsy spider climbed up the water spout. Down came the Goblin and took the spider out.

Mary Jane: You know, you're taller than you look.

Peter Parker: I hunch.

Mary Jane: Don't.

[trying to learn how to shoot a web]

Spider-Man: Go web! Fly! Up, up, and away web! Shazaam! Go! Go! Go web go! Tally ho.

Peter Parker: Some spiders change colors to blend into their environment. It's a defense mechanism.

Harry Osborn: Peter, what possibly makes you think I would want to know that?

Peter Parker: Who wouldn't?

Ring Announcer: What's your name kid?

Peter Parker: The Human Spider.

Ring Announcer: The Human Spider? That's it? That's the best you've got?

Peter Parker: Yeah.

Ring Announcer: Oh that sucks.

Peter Parker: Spider-Man wasn't trying to attack the city, he was trying to save it. That's slander.

J. Jonah Jameson: It is not. I resent that. Slander is spoken. In print, it's libel.

Aunt May: You won't have a bite?

Peter Parker: No thanks. Had a bite.

Peter Parker: You know Harry... doesn't live on a little place I like to call Earth.

[Peter is going to take a picture of Mary Jane]

Mary Jane: Don't make me look ugly.

Peter Parker: That's impossible.

Norman Osborn: They're all beautiful, until they're snarling after your trust fund like a pack of ravening wolves.

Harry Osborn: One day Spider-Man will pay. I swear on my father's grave Spider-Man will pay.

[talking about Spider-Man]

Punk Rock Girl: Guy with eight hands. Sounds hot.

Mary Jane: What do you see coming for you?

Peter Parker: I don't know. Whatever it is, it's something I never felt before.

Mary Jane: And... what for me?

Peter Parker: For you? You're gonna light up Broadway.

Bonesaw McGraw: Hey freak show! You're going nowhere. I got you for three minutes. Three minutes of ME time!

Uncle Ben: [changing a light bulb] And the Lord said, "Let there be light." And voilà! There is light. Forty soft, glowing watts of it.

Aunt May: Good boy. God will be thrilled, just don't fall on your ass.

J. Jonah Jameson: He doesn't want to be famous? Then I'll make him infamous.

Hoffman: We've got a page six problem.

J. Jonah Jameson: We've got a page one problem, shut up.

Aunt May: Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us...

[the Green Goblin bursts through the window]

Aunt May: [screams] DELIVER US!

Green Goblin: [laughing maniacally] Finish it. FINISH IT!

Aunt May: FROM EVIL!

Peter Parker: No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, the ones I love will always be the ones who pay.

[to J. Jonah Jameson]

Spider-Man: Hey, kiddo. Let Mom and Dad talk for a minute, will ya?

Mary Jane: I better run, tiger.

Bonesaw McGraw: What're ya doin' up there?

Spider-Man: Staying away from you. That's a cute outfit. Did your husband give it to you?

Flash Thompson: Think you're pretty funny, don't you, freak?

Mary Jane: Flash, it was just an accident!

Flash Thompson: My fist breaking your teeth, that's the accident.

Mary Jane: C'mon, Flash, stop!

Peter Parker: I don't want to fight you, Flash.

Flash Thompson: I wouldn't want to fight me, neither.

Green Goblin: Had you not been so selfish, your little girlfriend's death would have been quick and painless, but now that you've really pissed me off, I'm gonna finish her nice and slow.

Green Goblin: M.J. and I, we're gonna have a hell of a time.

[in Aunt May's hospital room]

Peter Parker: [relating to M.J. what he supposedly said to Spider-man] I said, um, Spider-man, I said, uh, the great thing about M.J. is when you look in her eyes, and she's looking back in yours, everything feels not quite normal, because you feel stronger, and weaker at the same time. You feel excited, and at the same time, terrified. The truth is you don't know what you feel, except you know what kind of man you want to be. It's as if you've reached the unreachable, and you weren't ready for it.

Mary Jane: You said that?

Peter Parker: Oh, something like that...

Peter Parker: I want you to know, that I will always be there for you; I will always be there to take care of you. I promise you that. I will always be your friend.

Mary Jane: Only a friend, Peter Parker?

Peter Parker: That's all I have to give...

J. Jonah Jameson: No jobs! Freelance! Best thing in the world for a kid your age. You bring me some more pictures of that newspaper-selling clown, maybe I'll take 'em off your hands. But I never said you have a job. *Meat*. I'll send you a nice box of Christmas meat. It's the best I can do - get out of here.

[talking about Uncle Ben]

Peter Parker: I can't help thinking about... the last thing I said to him. He tried to tell me something important, and I threw it in his face.

Aunt May: You loved him. And he loved you. He never doubted the man you'd grow into; how you were meant for great things. You won't disappoint him.

Norman Osborn: I've been like a father to you, be a son to me now.

Peter Parker: I have a father, his name was Ben Parker.

J. Jonah Jameson: Hoffman, run down to the patent office, copyright the name "Green Goblin." I want a quarter every time someone says it.

Hoffman: How about "Green Meanie"?

[upon inspecting Peter Parker's bedroom]

Norman Osborn: A bit of a slob, isn't he?

Aunt May: All brilliant men are.

[returning for Thanksgiving dinner]

Peter Parker: Sorry I'm late, it's a jungle out there; I had to beat an old lady with a stick to get these cranberries.

Norman Osborn: A word to the "not-so-wise" about your little girlfriend. Do what you need to with her, then broom her fast.

Mary Jane: Thanks for sticking up for me, Harry.

Harry Osborn: You heard?

Mary Jane: Everyone heard that creep.

Harry Osborn: That creep is my father, all right! If I'm lucky, I'll become half of what he is. So just keep your mouth shut about stuff you don't understand!

[in Aunt May's hospital room]

Aunt May: Go home dear, you look awful.

Peter Parker: And you look beautiful...

Green Goblin: Spider-Man. This is why only fools are heroes - because you never know when some lunatic will come along with a sadistic choice. Let die the woman you love... or suffer the little children? Make your choice, Spider-Man, and see how a hero is rewarded!

Spider-Man: Don't do it Goblin!

Green Goblin: We are who we choose to be... now, *choose*!

Spider-Man: [referring to the Green Goblin] Whatever it is, somebody has to stop it...

Peter Parker: How was your audition?

Mary Jane: How did you know?

Peter Parker: Hotline... your mom, told my aunt, told me...

Peter Parker: Let me buy you a cheese-burger - sky's the limit, up to seven dollars and eighty-four cents.

Norman Osborn: Forty thousand years of evolution and we've barely even tapped the vastness of human potential.

[On the morning after Peter gets bitten]

Aunt May: Feeling better this morning? Any change?

Peter Parker: Change? Yep. BIG change.

Aunt May: You know, you were about six years old when Mary Jane's family moved in next door. And when she got out of the car, and you saw her for the first time, you grabbed me and you said, "Aunt May, Aunt May, is that an angel?"

Peter Parker: Gee, did I really say that?

[as Flash Thompson tries to beat up Peter Parker in school]

Mary Jane: Help him, Harry!

[one of Flash's buddies tries to tackle Peter from behind, Peter senses it and jumps, flipping over backward and landing on his feet]

Harry Osborn: Which one?

Joseph 'Robbie' Robertson: We sold out four printings.

J. Jonah Jameson: Sold out?

Joseph 'Robbie' Robertson: Every copy.

J. Jonah Jameson: Tomorrow morning, Spider-man page one, with a decent picture this time...

Peter Parker: I can't... tell you... everything; I mean, there's so much to tell...

Subway Guitarist: Dresses like a spider, he looks like a bug, we should all just give him one big hug...

[In the burning building]

Green Goblin: You're pathetically predictable, like a moth to the flame. What about my generous proposal? Are you in or are you out?

Spider-Man: It's you who's out, Gobbie. Out of your mind.

Green Goblin: Wrong answer.

Peter Parker: Mr. Osborn!

Norman Osborn: Peter! Thank God for you!

Peter Parker: You killed those people on that balcony.

Norman Osborn: The Goblin killed them! I had nothing to do with it!

Peter Parker: You tried to kill Aunt May. You tried to kill Mary Jane.

Norman Osborn: But not you.

[as Peter Parker confronts the carjacker who just murdered Uncle Ben]

Carjacker: Don't hurt me, just give me a chance, just give me a chance...

Peter Parker: What about my uncle? Did you give *him* a chance?

[shouts]

Peter Parker: Did you? Answer me!

Mary Jane: They said I need acting lessons. Can you believe that? A soap opera told me I need acting lessons.

Mary Jane: I wanna... act. On stage.

Peter Parker: Really? Well that's perfect. You were awesome in all the school plays.

Mary Jane: Really?

Peter Parker: Yeah. I cried like a baby when you played Cinderella.

Mary Jane: Peter, that was first grade.

Peter Parker: Well, even so...

Norman Osborn: I am going to rectify certain inequities.

Green Goblin: Spider-Man is all but invincible; but Parker, we can destroy him.

Norman Osborn: I can't.

Green Goblin: Betrayal must not be countenanced. Parker must be educated.

Norman Osborn: What do I do?

Green Goblin: Instruct him in the matters of loss and pain. Make him suffer, make him wish he were dead.

Norman Osborn: Yes?

Green Goblin: And then grant his wish.

Norman Osborn: But how?

Green Goblin: The cunning warrior attacks neither body nor mind.

Norman Osborn: TELL ME HOW!

Green Goblin: The HEART Osborn! First, we attack his heart!

Green Goblin: Godspeed, Spider-Man.

Mary Jane: You're amazing.

Spider-Man: Some people don't think so...

Mary Jane: But you are.

Spider-Man: Nice to have a fan...

Harry Osborn: Where do you go all the time?

Peter Parker: Around...

Green Goblin: I offered you friendship, and you spat in my face.

[as New Yorkers battle the Green Goblin, who's attacking Spider-Man]

New Yorker on Bridge: Leave Spider-Man alone! You're gonna pick on a guy trying to save a bunch of kids?

New Yorker on Bridge: Yeah, I got something for your ass! You mess with Spidey, you mess with New York!

New Yorker on Bridge: You mess with one of us, you mess with all of us.

Green Goblin: The one thing they love more than a hero is to see a hero fail.

Uncle Ben: Remember, with great power. comes great responsibility.

Uncle Ben: This guy, Flash Thompson, he probably deserved what happened. But just because you can beat him up doesn't give you the right to. Remember, with great power, comes great responsibility.

J. Jonah Jameson: [about Peter's pictures of Spider-Man] They're crap. Crap, crap, megacrap. I'll give you two hundred bucks for all of 'em.

Norman Osborn: [to Peter] Harry tells me you're quite the science whiz. You know, I'm something of a scientist myself.

Peter Parker: [talking to M.J] I was in the neighborhood. I needed to see a friendly face. I took two buses and a cab to get in the neighborhood, but...

Miss Brant: Welcome to the Daily Bugle.

Peter Parker: Thanks. I'm Peter Parker. I'm a photographer.

Miss Brant: Yes, I can see that.

Bonesaw McGraw: Bonesaw is READY!

Cop at Fire: [at a burning building, a cop approaches Spider-Man] Hold it right here, you're under arrest! I'm taking you in!

Young Lady at Fire: [a scream is heard in the building] There's somebody still up there!

Spider-Man: I'm going.

Cop at Fire: I'll be here when you get back.

Spider-Man: Not coming back, chief.

Harry Osborn: [Flash and his gang are hassling Peter] Leave him alone.

Flash's Crony: Or what?

Flash Thompson: Or his father will fire your father!

[they laugh]

Flash Thompson: What's daddy gonna do, sue me?

Teacher: What is going on? The next person who talks will fail this course, I kid you not.

J. Jonah Jameson: Who is Spider-Man? He's a criminal that's who he is! A vigilante! A public menace! What's he doing on MY front page?

Aunt May: [Peter breaks a lamp in his room trying to practice his web shots]

[Behind door]

Aunt May: Peter?

[Peter opens door barely to hide webs in his room]

Aunt May: What's - what's going on in there?

Peter Parker: I'm excercising. I'm not dressed Aunt May.

Aunt May: Well... you're acting so strangely Peter...

Peter Parker: Ok... thanks.

J. Jonah Jameson: [describing a headline] "Spider-Man, Hero or Menace? Exclusive Daily Bugle Photos".

Peter Parker: Menace? He was protecting that armored truck...

J. Jonah Jameson: Tell you what Atticus, you take the pictures, I'll make up the headlines! Ok? Is that ok with you?

Peter Parker: Yes sir.

J. Jonah Jameson: Goody.

Peter Parker: Can I take your picture for the school paper?

Mary Jane: Sure.

Tour Guide: In this lab we have fifteen genetically enhanced super spiders.

Mary Jane: There's fourteen. One's missing.

Aunt May: Peter, are you alright?

Peter Parker: I'm fine.

Harry Osborn: Peter, I'd like to introduce you to my father, Norman Osborn.

Peter Parker: It's an honour to meet you, Sir.

Harry Osborn: What the hell was that?

Peter Parker: [from trailer] Who am I? Are you sure you want to know? If someone told you I was just your average ordinary guy without a care in the world, somebody lied. Truth is it wasn't always like this. There was a time when life was a lot less complicated.

[from trailer]

Thor: [waking up in the middle of nowhere] Oh, no... this is Earth... isn't it?

[from trailer]

Darcy: [staring at Thor] You know, for a crazy homeless person... he's pretty cut.

[from trailer]

Thor: [to Jane Foster] The answers you seek shall be yours, once I claim what is mine.

[from trailer]

Thor: For the first time in my life, I have no idea what I'm supposed to do...

[from trailer]

Frigga: The line of succession falls to you. Asgard is yours.

[Loki wields the Gungnir spear]

Agent Coulson: [interrogating Thor] It's not easy to do what you did. You made my men, some of the most highly trained professionals in the world look like a bunch of minimum-wage mall cops. In my experience, it takes someone who's received similar training to do what you did to them. Why don't you tell me where you received that training? Afghanistan, Chechnya? No, you strike me more as the soldier of fortune type. Who are you?

[from trailer]

Odin: I have sacrificed much to achieve peace. So too must a new generation sacrifice to maintain that peace. Responsibility! Duty! Honour! These are not mere virtues to which we must aspire! They are essential to every soldier, to every king!

Odin: You are a vain, greedy, cruel boy!

Thor: And you are an old man and a fool!

Odin: Yes... I was a fool, to think you were ready.

Loki: Father...

Odin: [to Loki] HEY!

Odin: Thor Odinson... you have betrayed the express command of your king. Through your arrogance and stupidity, you've opened these peaceful realms and innocent lives to the horror and desolation of war! You are unworthy of these realms, you're unworthy of your title, you're unworthy... of the loved ones you have betrayed! I now take from you your power! In the name of my father and his father before, I, Odin Allfather, cast you out!

[from trailer]

Jane Foster: Describe exactly what happened to you last night.

Thor: Your ancestors called it magic...

[Thor skims through a book on Norse mythology]

Thor: ...but you call it science. I come from a land where they are one and the same.

[from trailer]

Sif: Asgard is in danger!

Agent Cale: [staring at The Destroyer] Is that one of Stark's?

Agent Coulson: I don't know. Guy never tells me anything.

[from trailer]

Jane Foster: Who are you?

Thor: You'll know soon enough!

[from trailer]

Jane Foster: [at hospital reception] He says his name is Thor...

Jane Foster: How'd you get inside that cloud?

Darcy: Also, how could you eat an entire box of Pop-Tarts and still be this hungry?

Heimdall: Be warned, I shall uphold my sacred oath to protect this realm as its gatekeeper. If your return threatens the safety of Asgard, my gate will remain shut and you will be left to perish on the cold waste of Jotunheim.

Volstagg: Couldn't you just keep the bridge open for us?

Heimdall: Keeping the bridge open would unleash the full power of the Bifrost and destroy Jotunheim, with you on it.

Thor: I have no plans to die today.

Heimdall: None do.

[from trailer]

Thor: [to Jane] I will return.

Thor: You! What realm is this? Elfheim, Nilfheim?

Darcy: [frightened, pulls out a taser] New Mexico?

Thor: You dare threaten Thor with such a puny weapon...?

[Darcy tasers him]

Darcy: [to Jane] What? He was freaking me out!

Thor: This mortal form has grown weak. I need sustenance!

[from trailer]

Odin: He has disobeyed his king... his fate is in his own hands now.

Thor: Once I retrieve Mjolnir, I will return to you the items they stole from you. Deal?

Jane Foster: No. You think you're gonna just walk in and walk out ?

Thor: No. I'm gonna fly out.

Thor: My friends, have you forgotten all that we have done together? Fandral, Hogun, who led you into the glorious of battles?

Hogun: You did.

Thor: And, Volstagg, who introduced you to delicacies so succulent you thought you'd died and gone to Valhalla?

Volstagg: [chuckles] You did.

Thor: And who proved wrong all who scoffed at the idea that a young maiden could be one of the fiercest warriors this realm has ever known?

Sif: I did!

Thor: True, but I supported you, Sif.

Clint Barton: Do you want me to take him down or would you rather send in more guys for him to beat up?

Thor: [walking into a pet shop] I need a horse!

Pet Store Clerk: We don't have horses. Just dogs, cats, birds.

Thor: Then give me one of those large enough to ride.

[after hitting Thor with her car... again]

Jane Foster: WHAT?... I'm so sorry! I swear I'm not doing this on purpose.

Thor: Sif, you've done all you could.

Sif: [wounded from fighting the Destroyer] NO! I'll die a warrior's death! Stories will be told of this day!

Thor: Live, and tell those stories yourself!

[last lines]

Thor: So Earth is lost to us...

Heimdall: No. There is always hope.

Thor: Can you see her?

Heimdall: [chuckles] Yes.

Thor: How is she?

Heimdall: She searches for you.

[after credits]

[Dr Selvig wanders around an underground base]

Nick Fury: [greeting him] Dr. Selvig.

Erik Selvig: So, you're the man behind all this? It's quite a labyrinth. I was thinking that you had taken me down here to kill me.

Nick Fury: I've been hearing about the New Mexico situation. Your work has impressed a lot of people who are much smarter than I am.

Erik Selvig: I had a lot to work with: the Foster theory, a gateway to another dimension... it's unprecedented...

[Fury doesn't respond]

Erik Selvig: ...isn't it?

Nick Fury: Legend tells us one thing; history, another. But, every now and then, we find something that belongs to both.

[Fury opens a suitcase, which contains a small cube]

Erik Selvig: What is it?

Nick Fury: Power, Doctor. If we figure out how to tap it, maybe unlimited power.

[Loki is seen in a reflection, smiling]

Loki: [whispers to Selvig] Well, I guess that's worth a look.

Erik Selvig: Well, I guess that's worth a look.

Thor: I would have words with my brother...

Thor: Loki, this is madness!

Loki: Is it madness? Is it? IS IT? I don't know what happened on Earth to make you so soft! Don't tell me it was that woman?... Oh, it was. Well, when we're done here, maybe I'll pay her a visit myself!

[Thor gets mad]

Loki: I never wanted the throne, I only ever wanted to be your equal!

Clint Barton: You better call it Coulson, cause I'm starting to root for this guy.

Darcy: [On seeing Thor, who's been hit by their car, lying on the ground] Whoa, does he need CPR? 'Cause I totally know CPR!

[Thor approaches the Destroyer]

Thor: Brother, however I have wronged you, whatever I have done that has led you to do this, I am truly sorry. But these people are innocent, taking their lives will gain you nothing. So take mine, and end this.

[Thor brings a drunken Selvig home]

Jane Foster: What happened?

Thor: He's fine! We drank, we fought - he made his ancestors proud!

Jane Foster: Put him on the bed.

Erik Selvig: [to Thor] Oh, I still don't think you're the god of thunder. But you ought to be!

Thor: Heimdall, open the Bridge! Heimdall, we need you now!

Odin: Once, mankind accepted a simple truth: that they were not alone in this universe. Some worlds man believed home to their Gods. Others they knew to fear. From around the cold and darkness came the Frost Giants, threatening to plunge the mortal world into a new ice age. But humanity would not face this threat alone. Our armies drove the Frost Giants back into the heart of their own world. The cost was great. In the end, their king fell, and the source of their power was taken from them. With the last great war ended, we withdrew from the other worlds and returned home at the Realm Eternal, Asgard. And here we remain as the beacon of hope, shining out across the stars. And though we have fallen into man's myths and legends, it was Asgard and its warriors that brought peace to the universe.

Sif: Loki, you must go to the All-Father and convince him to change his mind.

Loki: And if I do, then what? I love Thor more dearly than any of you, but you know what he is. He's arrogant, he's reckless, he's dangerous! You saw how he was today. Is that what Asgard needs from its King?

[he walks off]

Sif: He may speak for the good of Asgard, but he's always been jealous of Thor!

Odin: You'll be a wise king.

Thor: There will never be a wiser king than you. Or a better father. I have much to learn. I know that now. One day, perhaps, I will make you proud.

Odin: You've already made me proud.

Loki: [hanging from the edge of the Bifrost] I could have done it, Father! I could have done it! For you! For all of us!

Odin: No, Loki.

[Loki stares for a moment, then loosens his grip]

Thor: Loki, no... NO!

[Loki falls into a wormhole]

Loki: Look at you. The mighty Thor! With all your strength! And what good does it do you now? Do you hear me, brother? There's nothing you can do!

[Thor smashes Bifrost]

Loki: What are you doing? If you destroy the Bridge, you'll never see her again!

Thor: Forgive me, Jane!

Thor: Why have you done this?

Loki: To prove to Father that I am a worthy son! When he wakes, I will have saved his life, I will have destroyed that race of monsters, and I will be true heir to the throne!

Thor: You can't kill an entire race!

Loki: Why not?... And what is this new found love for the Frost Giants? You, could have killed them all with your bare hands!

Thor: I've changed.

Loki: So have I. Now fight me!

Thor: Why don't you tell her? How you sent the Destroyer to kill our friends, to kill me!

Frigga: What?

Loki: Well, I must have been enforcing father's last command.

Thor: You're a talented liar, brother. Always have been.

Loki: It's good to have you back. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to destroy Jotunheim!

Darcy: [mispronounces Mjölnir] Myeuh-muh? What's Myeuh-muh?

Agent Garrett: [about Thor's Asgard buddies] Is there a Renaissance Fair in town?

Agent Jackson: Call it in.

Agent Garrett: Yeah. Uh, base, we've got, uh, Xena, Jackie Chan, and Robin Hood.

[first lines]

Jane Foster: Wait for it.

Darcy: Look! Look, it's "Myeuh-muh"!

[points to a mythology book, specifically a page with a drawing of Mjölnir]

Jane Foster: So is this how you normally look?

Thor: More or less.

Jane Foster: It's a good look!

Agent Coulson: Donald? I don't think you've been completely honest with me.

Thor: Know this, son of Coul. You and I, we fight for the same cause: the protection of this world. From this day forward, you can count me in as your ally, if... you return the items you have taken from Jane.

Jane Foster: Stolen.

Agent Coulson: Borrowed. Of course you can have your equipment back. You're going to need to need it to continue your research.

Thor: Would you like to see the bridge we spoke of?

Jane Foster: Uh... sure.

[grabs Jane, flies off]

Agent Coulson: Wait, we need to debrief you!

Loki: What troubles you, gatekeeper?

Heimdall: I turned my gaze upon you in Jotunheim but could neither see you or hear you. You were shrouded from me like the Frost Giants that had entered this realm.

Loki: Perhaps your senses have weakened after your many years of service.

Heimdall: Or perhaps someone has found a way to hide that which he does not wish me to see.

Loki: You wield great power, Heimdall. Tell me, did Odin fear you?

Heimdall: No.

Loki: Why not?

Heimdall: Because he is my king, and I am sworn to obey him.

Loki: He was your king. And now you are sworn to obey me, yes?

Heimdall: Yes.

Loki: Good. Then you'll open the Bifrost to no-one!

Fandral: This isn't like going to Earth, where you summon a little lightning and the natives worship you as a god! This is Jotunheim!

[Thor receives Mjolnir]

Jane Foster: Oh... my... God.

[a wounded Heimdall collapses]

Thor: Get him to the Healing Room! Leave my brother to me.

[Odin appears in Jotunheim]

Thor: Father, we'll finish them together!

Odin: SILENCE!

[a driver tries to tow Mjolnir out of the crater it landed in]

Stan the Man: Did it work?

Thor: [fighting hospital interns] You are no match for the mighty...

[an intern jabs a syringe into his butt, he passes out instantly]

Thor: You're very brave, for helping me.

Jane Foster: They stole my life's work, so I don't have much to lose.

Jane Foster: [about the mythology book] Where'd you find this?

Erik Selvig: The chidren's section. I just wanted to show you how silly his story was.

Jane Foster: But you're the one who's always pushing me to chase down every possibility, every alternative.

Erik Selvig: I'm talking about science, not magic.

Jane Foster: Well, "magic's just science we don't understand yet." Arthur C. Clarke.

Erik Selvig: Who wrote science-fiction.

Jane Foster: A precursor to science fact!

Erik Selvig: In some cases, yeah.

Jane Foster: Well, if there's an Einstein-Rosen bridge, then there's something on the other side. And advanced beings could have crossed it!

Erik Selvig: Oh, Jane.

Darcy: A primitive culture like the Vikings might have worshiped them as deities.

Jane Foster: Yes! Yes, exactly. Thank you.

Erik Selvig: [about Jane] I've seen the way she looks at you. If you hurt her...

Thor: I swear to you, I mean her no harm.

Thor: My friends, I've never been happier to see you! But you should not have come.

Fandral: We've here to bring you home!

Thor: You know I can't come home. My father is... is dead, and I must remain in exile.

Sif: Thor, your father still lives!

[struck by the Destroyer]

Thor: [near death, to Jane] It's all right, it's over... You're safe...

Heimdall: Tell me, Loki, how did you lead the Jotuns into Asgard?

Loki: Do you think the Bifrost is the only way in and out of this realm? There are passages between worlds to which even you, with all your gifts, are blind. But I have need of them no longer, now that I am king. And I say, for your act of treason, you are relieved of your duties as gatekeeper and no longer citizen of Asgard!

Heimdall: Then I need no longer obey you!

[draws his sword]

Young Loki: Do the Frost Giants still exist?

Young Thor: When I am king, I'll hunt the monsters down and slay them all! Just as you did, Father.

Odin: A wise king never seeks out war, but he must always be ready for it.

Thor: [taking coffee for the first time] This drink... I like it!

Darcy: I know, it's great right?

Thor: Another!

Thor: [throws the mug on the floor and shatters it]

Jane Foster: [to the other people] Sorry, it was a little accident...

Jane Foster: [to Thor] What was that?

Thor: It was delicious! I want another!

Jane Foster: You could have just said so!

Thor: I just did!

Jane Foster: I mean ask nicely!

Thor: I meant no disrespect.

Jane Foster: Alright, no more smashing. Deal?

Thor: You have my word.

King Laufey: The house of Odin is full of traitors...

Thor: Do not dishonor my father's name with your lies!

King Laufey: Your father is a murderer and a thief! And why have YOU come, to talk of peace? You long for battle, you crave it! You're nothing more than a boy trying to prove himself a man!

[Jotuns surround the Asgardians]

Loki: Thor, stop and think. Look around you, we're outnumbered...

Thor: Know your place, brother!

King Laufey: You don't know what your actions would bring about... I do. Go now, while I still allow it.

[Loki has to restrain Thor]

Loki: We will accept your most gracious offer. Come on, brother...

[Thor turns to leave]

Frost Giant Sentry: Run back home, little princess.

Loki: Damn...

[Thor smashes down the Sentry]

Thor: Next?

[Loki appears in Jotunheim]

King Laufey: Kill him.

Loki: After all I've done for you?

King Laufey: ...So you're the one who led us into Asgard.

Loki: That was just a bit of fun, really. To ruin my brother's big day, and to protect the realm from his idiotic rule for a while longer.

King Laufey: I will hear you.

Loki: I will conceal you and a handful of your soldiers, lead you into Odin's chambers, and you can slay him where he lies.

King Laufey: Why not kill him yourself?

Loki: I suspect that the Asgardians would not take kindly to a king who had murdered his predecessor. Once Odin is dead, I will return the Casket to you...

[Laufey stands, his expression hungry]

Loki: And you can return Jotunheim to all its, uh...

[glances around]

Loki: Glory.

King Laufey: I... accept.

[Laufey is about to kill Odin]

King Laufey: It's said you can still hear and see what transpires around you. I hope it's true, so that you may know your death came at the hand of Laufey.

[Loki strikes him down from behind]

Loki: And YOUR death came by the son of Odin!

[Thor wakes up strapped to a hospital bed]

Thor: It's not possible...

Thor: [to a doctor who put an IV on him] How dare you attack the son of Odin!

King Laufey: You've come a long way to die, Asgardian.

King Laufey: Allfather. You look weary.

Odin: Laufey. End this now!

King Laufey: Your boy sought this out.

Odin: You're right. But these were the actions of a boy, treat them as such. We can end this together, here, now, without any more blood shed.

King Laufey: We are beyond diplomacy now, Allfather. You'll get what he came for: war, and death.

Odin: So be it!

[Thor is knocked down by a gargantuan SHIELD agent]

Thor: You're big. I've fought bigger.

Hogun: Laufey said there were traitors in the house of Odin. A master of magic could easily conceal frost giants and lead them into Asgard...

Fandral: Loki's always been one for mischief, but you're talking about something that's completely different!

Darcy: Is somebody else coming?

[the Destroyer approaches]

Thor: Jane, you have to get everybody out of here!

Jane Foster: What about you?

Volstagg: Thor's going to fight with us!

Thor: My friends, I am just a man. I'd only get in your way. But you can help me gain time and get everyone out of here. GO!

Thor: I will not fight you, brother!

Loki: I'm not your brother! I never was!

[in Jotunheim]

Sif: Where are they?

Thor: Hiding! As cowards always do!

Loki: [activates the Destroyer] Ensure my brother does not return. Destroy everything.

Heimdall: You would defy the commands of Loki, our king? Break every oath you have taken as warriors, and commit treason to bring Thor back?

Sif: Yes.

Heimdall: Good.

[steps off the control platform]

Sif: So you will help us?

Heimdall: I am bound by honor to our king. I cannot open the bridge to you.

[walks off]

Fandral: Complicated fellow, isn't he?

Volstagg: Now what do we do?

[the Bifrost activates on its own]

Darcy: I am not dying for 6 college credits!

Jane Foster: Years of research, gone.

Darcy: They even took my iPod.

Erik Selvig: What about the backups?

Jane Foster: They took our backups. They took the backups of our backups. They were extremely thorough.

Darcy: I just downloaded, like, 30 songs onto there.

Thor: What you seek, it's a bridge.

Jane Foster: Like, like an Einstein-Rosen Bridge?

Thor: More like a Rainbow Bridge.

Jane Foster: God, I hope you're not crazy.

Erik Selvig: It's not a bad thing finding out that you don't have all the answers. You start asking the right questions.

Fandral: [to Volstagg] Our dearest friend banished! Loki on the throne! Asgard on the brink of war! Yet you managed to consume four wild boars, six pheasants, a side of beef and two caskets of ale! Shame on you! Don't you care?

[dashes the plate from Volstagg's hands]

Volstagg: Do not mistake my appetite for apathy!

Sif: [breaks them up] Stop it, both of you! Stop! We all know what we have to do.

Hogun: We must go. We must find Thor.

Fandral: You speak of treason!

Volstagg: Forget treason, it's suicide!

Sif: Thor would do the same for us.

Volstagg: Hush! Heimdall may be watching.

[an Asgardian sentry enters]

Asgardian Guard: Heimdall demands your presence!

[the sentry leaves]

Volstagg: We're doomed.

[about the burglary]

Thor: The Jotuns must pay for what they have done!

Odin: They have paid, with their lives. The Destroyer did its work, the Casket is safe, and all is well.

Thor: All is well? They broke into the weapons vault! If the Frost Giants have stolen even one of these relics...

Odin: They didn't.

Thor: Well I want to know why!

Odin: I have a truce with Laufey, king of the Jotuns.

Thor: He just broke your truce! They know you are vulnerable!

Odin: What action would you take?

Thor: March into Jotunheim as you once did! Teach them a lesson! Break their spirits, so they would never dare try to cross our borders again!

Odin: You're thinking only as a warrior.

Thor: This was an act of war!

Odin: It was the act of but a few, doomed to fail.

Thor: Look how far they got!

Odin: We will find the breach in our defenses and it will be sealed.

Thor: As king of Asgard...!

Odin: BUT YOU'RE NOT KING! Not yet.

[Loki appears in front of a fuming Thor]

Thor: It's unwise to be in my company right now, brother. Today was to be my day of triumph!

Loki: It'll come, in time. If it's any consolation, I think you're right. About the Frost Giants, about Laufey, about everything. If they were able to slip past Asgard's defenses once, who's to say they won't try again? Next time with an army.

Thor: Exactly!

Loki: There's nothing you can do without defying Father.

[Thor looks at Loki]

Loki: No! No, no, no, no! I know that look!

Thor: It's the only way to ensure the safety of our borders!

Loki: Thor, it's madness!

Thor: Why did you bring us back?

Odin: Do you realize what you've done, what you've started?

Thor: I was protecting my throne!

Odin: You cannot even defend your friends! How can you hope to protect the kingdom?

Thor: There won't be a kingdom to protect if you're afraid to act! The Jotuns must fear me, just as they once feared you!

Odin: Have you forgotten everything I taught you? A warrior's patient!

Thor: While you wait and be patient, the Nine Worlds laugh at us! The old ways are done, yet you stand and give speeches while Asgard falls!

Thor: Thank you, Jane.

[Thor, Loki, Sif and the Warriors Three meet Heimdall]

Loki: Leave this to me. Gatekeeper, we seek...

Heimdall: You're not dressed warmly enough.

Loki: I'm sorry?

Heimdall: You think you can deceive me.

Loki: You must be mistaken...

Thor: Enough! Heimdall, may we pass?

Heimdall: Never has an enemy escaped my watch until this day. I want to know how it happened.

Thor: And tell no one where we have gone until we return. Understand?

Volstagg: [to Loki] What's the matter, silver tongue turned to lead?

[Sif and the Warriors Three enter Asgard's throne room]

Sif: Allfather, we would speak to...

Loki: [on the throne] My friends, due to recent events my father has fallen into the Odinsleep. Mother fears he may never awaken.

Sif: We would speak to her.

Loki: She refuses to leave my father's bedside. Any urgent matters you have you can take up with me, your king.

Thor: You think me strange?

Jane Foster: Yes.

Thor: Good strange, or bad strange?

Jane Foster: I'm not sure yet...

Agent Coulson: Dr. Selvig, keep him away from the bars!

Thor: Where are we going?

Erik Selvig: To get a drink!

Volstagg: Found you!

Jane Foster: I am sorry, I cannot take you.

Thor: Then this is where we say goodbye! Jane Foster, Dr Selvig, Darcy: farewell.

Thor: At least make it a challenge for me!

[More Frost Giants enter the fray and put up a harder fight]

Thor: That's more like it!

Odin: [enchants Mjolnir] Whosoever holds this hammer, if he be worthy, shall possess the power of THOR!

[hurls Mjolnir after Thor]

[while interrogating Thor, Coulson steps out for a moment... ]

Thor: Loki... what are you doing here?

Loki: [as a SHIELD agent] I had to see you.

Thor: What's happened? Is it Jotunheim? If you could just let me talk to Father, just let me explain...

Loki: Father is dead.

Thor: What?

Loki: Your banishment, the threat of a new war... it was too much for him to bear. You mustn't blame yourself. I know that you loved him, I tried to tell him but he wouldn't listen. It was so cruel of father to put the hammer within your reach knowing you'd never be able to lift it. The burden of the throne has fallen to me now.

Thor: Can I come home?

Loki: The truce with Jotunheim is conditional upon your exile.

Thor: Yes, but... couldn't we find a way to...?

Loki: And Mother has forbidden your return. This is goodbye, brother. I'm so sorry.

Thor: No. I... I am sorry. Thank you for coming here.

Loki: Farewell.

Thor: Goodbye.

[Loki leaves, just as Coulson returns]

Agent Coulson: [having heard Thor] "Goodbye?" I just got back.

Thor: How do I look?

Loki: Like a king.

[SHIELD confiscates Foster's stuff]

Agent Coulson: Sorry, maam, we're the good guys!

[while the rest of Asgard feasts, Sif approaches Queen Frigga]

Sif: My queen, I am so sorry for your loss.

[about Thor]

Frigga: How is he?

Sif: He mourns for his brother. And he misses her... the mortal.

Erik Selvig: I've got the particle detectors... Darcy, do you have the SHIELD satellite codes?

Darcy: Yeah! Have you seen my taser?

Erik Selvig: It's in the car, come on Jane!

[Odin discovers Loki holding the Casket of Ancient Winters]

Odin: STOP!

Loki: Am I cursed?

Odin: No.

Odin: What am I?

Odin: You are my son.

[Loki turns and looks at Odin]

Loki: [features briefly blue and chill] What more than that?... The Casket wasn't the only thing you took from Jotunheim that day, was it?

Odin: No. In the aftermath of the battle I went into the temple and I found a baby. Small for a Giant's offspring, abandoned, suffering, left to die. Laufey's son.

Loki: Laufeyson?

Odin: Yes.

Loki: Why? You were knee-deep in Jotun blood. Why would you take me?

Odin: You were an innocent child.

Loki: No. You took me for a purpose. What was it?... TELL ME!

Odin: I thought we could unite our kingdoms one day. Bring about an alliance, bring about permanent peace... through you.

Loki: What?

Odin: But those plans no longer matter.

Loki: So I am no more than another stolen relic, locked up here until you might have use of me?

Odin: Why do you twist my words?

Loki: You could have told me what I was from the beginning! Why didn't you?

Odin: You're my son... I wanted only to protect you from the truth...

Loki: What, because I... I... I am the monster parents tell their children about at night?

Odin: [unwell] No, no...

Loki: You know, it all makes sense now, why you favored Thor all these years, because no matter how much you claim to love me, you could never have a Frost Giant sitting on the throne of Asgard!

[an overcome Odin collapses]

Loki: Guards! Guards, please help!

[Loki's clones surround Thor]

Thor: ENOUGH!

[strikes Mjolnir and sends the real Loki tumbling]

Volstagg: Heimdall, open the bridge!

[silence]

Volstagg: We should never have let him go...

Fandral: Be thankful he's only banished, not dead. Which is what we'd all be if that guard hadn't told Odin where we'd gone.

Volstagg: How did the guard even know?

Loki: I told him.

Fandral: What?

Loki: I told him to go to Odin, after we'd left. He should be flogged for taking so long, we should never have reached Jotunheim...

Volstagg: YOU told the guard?

Loki: I saved our lives, and Thor's! I had no idea Father would banish him for what he did.

Tony Stark: [toasting after giving a weapon's demonstration] To Peace.

Christine Everheart: Mr. Stark! Christine Everheart, Vanity Fair magazine. Can I ask you a couple of questions?

Hogan: [whispers to Stark] She's cute.

Tony Stark: [whispers to Hogan] She's alright.

[turns around]

Tony Stark: Hi!

Christine Everheart: Hi.

Tony Stark: Yeah. Okay, go.

Christine Everheart: You've been called the Da Vinci of our time. What do you say to that?

Tony Stark: Absolutely ridiculous. I don't paint.

Christine Everheart: And what do you say to your other nickname, the Merchant of Death?

Tony Stark: That's not bad. Let me guess... Berkeley?

Christine Everheart: Brown, actually.

Tony Stark: Well, Ms. Brown. It's an imperfect world, but it's the only one we got. I guarantee you the day weapons are no longer needed to keep the peace, I'll start making bricks and beams for baby hospitals.

Christine Everheart: Rehearse that much?

Tony Stark: Every night in front of the mirror before bedtime.

Christine Everheart: I can see that.

Tony Stark: I'd like to show you firsthand.

Christine Everheart: [exasperated] All I'm looking for is a straight answer.

Tony Stark: [removing his shades] OK, here's a straight answer. My old man had a philosophy: peace means having a bigger stick than the other guy.

Christine Everheart: That's a great line, coming from a guy selling the sticks.

Tony Stark: My father helped defeat Nazis. He worked on the Manhattan Project. A lot of people, including your professors at Brown, would call that being a hero.

Christine Everheart: And a lot of people would also call that war-profiteering.

Tony Stark: Tell me, do you plan to report on the millions we've saved by advancing medical technology or kept from starvation with our intelli-crops? All those breakthroughs, military funding, honey.

Christine Everheart: Have you ever lost an hour of sleep in your life?

Tony Stark: I'm be prepared to lose a few with you.

Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: [walking in on Stark's robots trying to get him out of the Iron Man suit] What is going on here?

Tony Stark: Let's face it, this is not the worst thing you've caught me doing.

Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: Are those bullet holes?

Tony Stark: [reading the newspaper] "Iron Man". That's kind of catchy. It's got a nice ring to it.

[after testing the suit's capabilities]

Tony Stark: Yeah, I can fly.

Rhodey: [eyeing the Mark II Iron Man suit] Next time, baby.

[last lines]

Tony Stark: There's been speculation that I was involved in the events that occurred on the freeway and the rooftop...

Christine Everheart: I'm sorry, Mr. Stark, but do you honestly expect us to believe that that was a bodyguard in a suit that conveniently appeared, despite the fact that...

Tony Stark: I know that it's confusing. It is one thing to question the official story, and another thing entirely to make wild accusations, or insinuate that I'm a superhero.

Christine Everheart: I never said you were a superhero.

Tony Stark: Didn't?

Christine Everheart: Mmm-mmm.

Tony Stark: Well, good, because that would be outlandish and, uh, fantastic. I'm just not the hero type. Clearly. With this laundry list of character defects, all the mistakes I've made, largely public.

Rhodey: [whispers to Tony] Just stick to the cards, man.

Tony Stark: Yeah, okay.

Tony Stark: [holds up his notes and pauses] The truth is...

Tony Stark: [puts cards down] I am Iron Man.

Tony Stark: I never got to say goodbye to my father. There's questions I would've asked him. I would've asked him how he felt about what his company did, if he was conflicted, if he ever had doubts. Or maybe he was every inch of man we remember from the newsreels. I saw young Americans killed by the very weapons I created to defend them and protect them. And I saw that I had become part of a system that is comfortable with zero-accountability.

Press Reporter #1: Mr. Stark! What happened over there?

Tony Stark: I had my eyes opened. I came to realize that I had more to offer this world than just making things that blow up. And that is why, effective immediately, I am shutting down the weapons manufacturing division of Stark Industries.

Tony Stark: Give me a scotch. I'm starving.

[after end credits]

Tony Stark: [arriving home] Evening, JARVIS!

Jarvis: [voice distorted] Welcome home, sir...

[Stark stops as he sees a figure in his living room]

Nick Fury: "I am Iron Man". You think you're the only superhero in the world? Mr. Stark, you've become part of a bigger universe. You just don't know it yet.

Tony Stark: Who the hell are you?

Nick Fury: Nick Fury. Director of SHIELD.

Tony Stark: Ah.

Nick Fury: I'm here to talk to you about the Avenger Initiative.

Rhodey: As liaison to Stark Industries, I have a unique privilege of serving with a real patriot. He is my friend, and he is my great mentor. Ladies and gentlemen, it is my honor to present this year's Apogee Award to Mr. Tony Stark!

[crowd applauds]

Rhodey: Tony?

[Stark is not present, so Stane approaches the stage]

Obadiah Stane: [accepting the award] Thank you, Colonel. This is beautiful. Thank you all very much. This is wonderful. Well, I'm not Tony Stark.

[laughter]

Obadiah Stane: But if I were Tony, I would tell you how honored I feel, and what a joy it is to receive this very prestigious award. Tony, you know, the best thing about Tony is also the worst thing - he's always working.

[cuts to Stark playing craps in a casino]

Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: You are supposed to be halfway around the world by now.

Tony Stark: How'd she take it?

Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: Like a champ.

Tony Stark: Why are you trying to hustle me out of here?

Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: Your flight was scheduled to leave an hour and a half ago.

Tony Stark: It's funny, I though with it being my plane and all that it would just wait for me.

Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: Tony, I need to speak to you about a couple of things before I get you out...

Tony Stark: I mean, doesn't it kind of defeat the whole purpose of having your own plane if it departs before you arrive?

Tony Stark: What are you trying to get rid of me for? You got plans?

Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: As a matter of fact, I do.

Tony Stark: I don't like it when you have plans.

Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: I'm allowed to have plans on my birthday.

Tony Stark: It's your birthday?

Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: Yes.

Tony Stark: I knew that. Already?

Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: Yeah, isn't that strange? It's the same day as last year.

Tony Stark: Well, get yourself something nice for me.

Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: I already did.

Tony Stark: Yeah? And?

Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: Oh, it's very nice... very tasteful. Thank you, Mr. Stark.

Tony Stark: You're welcome, Ms. Potts.

Rhodey: Hey Tony.

Tony Stark: I'm sorry. This is the fun-vee. The hum-drum-vee is back there.

Yinsen: [to Stark, while in captivity] Do as I do.

[first lines]

Tony Stark: I feel like you're driving me to court martial. This is crazy. What did I do? I feel like you're gonna pull over and snuff me. What, you're not allowed to talk? Hey, Forrest!

Jimmy: We can talk, sir.

Tony Stark: Oh, I see. So it's personal.

Ramirez: No, you intimidate them.

Tony Stark: Good God, you're a woman! I honestly, I couldn't have called that. I mean, I would apologize, but isn't that what we're going for here? I thought of you as a soldier first.

Ramirez: I'm an airman.

Tony Stark: Well, you have actually excellent bone structure there. I'm kinda having a hard time not looking at you now. Is that weird?

[soldiers laugh]

Tony Stark: You got a family?

Yinsen: Yes, and I will see them when I leave here. And you, Stark?

Tony Stark: [quietly] No.

Yinsen: So you're a man who has everything, but nothing.

Tony Stark: We gotta go. Come on, move with me. We got a plan, and we're going to stick to it.

Yinsen: This was always the plan, Stark...

Tony Stark: Come on, you're going to go see your family. Get up.

Yinsen: My family is dead, Stark... and I'm going to see them now. It's okay, I want this... I want this.

[Stark is silent for a moment]

Tony Stark: Thank you for saving me.

Yinsen: Don't waste it... don't waste your life, Stark.

[dies]

Tony Stark: [after crash-landing in the desert] Not bad.

Rhodey: [upon rescuing Stark] How was the fun-vee? Next time you ride with me, all right?

Tony Stark: Hmmm. Your eyes are red. Tears for your long lost boss?

Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: Tears of joy. I hate job hunting.

Tony Stark: Yeah, well, vacation's over.

Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: Tony, you have to go to the hospital. The doctor has to look at you.

Tony Stark: I don't have to do anything. I've been in captivity for three months. There are two things I want to do. One, I want an American cheeseburger, and the other...

Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: That's enough of that.

Tony Stark: It's not what you think. I want you to call for a press conference now.

Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: Call for a press conference? What on earth for?

Tony Stark: Hogan, drive. Cheeseburger first.

Agent Phil Coulson: I'm Agent Phil Coulson with the Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division.

Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: That's quite a mouthful.

Agent Phil Coulson: I know. We're working on it.

Tony Stark: Pepper, uh, how big are your hands?

Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: What?

Tony Stark: How big are your hands?

Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: I don't understand why...

Tony Stark: Get down here. I need you.

Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: [about Stark's old arc reactor] What do you want me to do with this?

Tony Stark: That? Destroy it. Incinerate it.

Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: You don't want to keep it?

Tony Stark: Pepper, I've been called many things. Nostalgic is not one of them.

Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: [upon seeing Stark wearing a machine around his arm] I thought you said you were done making weapons?

Tony Stark: It isn't. This is a flight stabilizer. It's completely harmless.

[Stark is blasted back by the force of the machine]

Tony Stark: I didn't expect that.

Tony Stark: How'd it go?

[Stark sees a pizza box on the table]

Tony Stark: Oh, that bad, huh?

Obadiah Stane: Just because I brought pizza back from New York doesn't mean it went bad.

[accidentally burning his restored car collection by hovering above them]

Tony Stark: Okay, this is where I don't want to be.

Jarvis: [while Tony is wearing the Mark II Armor] Test complete. Preparing to power down and begin diagnostics...

Tony Stark: Uh, yeah, tell you what. Do a weather and ATC check, start listening in on ground control.

Jarvis: Sir, there are still terabytes of calculations required before an actual flight is...

Tony Stark: Jarvis... sometimes you gotta run before you can walk.

Tony Stark: Where'd you get that dress?

Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: It was a birthday present... from you, actually.

Tony Stark: I got great taste, don't I? You, uh, wanna dance?

Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: Oh, no, thank you.

Tony Stark: [leading her to the dance floor] All right, come on.

Rhodey: [talking over phone] What the hell is that noise?

Tony Stark: I'm driving with the top down.

Rhodey: Well, I need your help right now.

Tony Stark: Funny how that works, huh?

Rhodey: Yeah. Speaking of funny, we got a weapons depot that was just blown up a few klicks from where you were being held.

Tony Stark: Well, I'd say that's a hot spot. Sounds...

[takes a breath]

Tony Stark: ...sounds like someone stepped in and did your job for you.

Rhodey: Why do you sound out of breath?

Tony Stark: I'm not. I was just jogging in the canyon.

Rhodey: I thought you were driving.

Tony Stark: Right, I was driving... to the canyon... where I'm gonna jog.

Rhodey: You sure you don't have any tech in that area I should know about?

Tony Stark: Nope.

[Two F-22s rise behind Iron Man]

Rhodey: Good, because I'm looking at something right now and we're about to blow it to kingdom come.

Rhodey: [answering his phone during the attack on Iron Man] Hello.

Tony Stark: Hi, Rhodey, its me.

Rhodey: It's who?

Tony Stark: Oh, I'm sorry, it is ME. You asked. What your asking about, it's me.

Rhodey: No, you see, this isn't a game. You do not send civilian equipment into my active war zone. You understand that?

Tony Stark: It's not a piece of equipment, I'm in it! Its a suit! It's ME!

[after paralyzing Raza with a sonic device]

Obadiah Stane: Technology. That's always been your Achilles heel in this part of the world. Don't worry, it'll only last for fifteen minutes.

[pats Raza on the head and walks out of the tent]

Obadiah Stane: That's the least of your problems.

Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: Tony, you know that I would help you with anything, but I cannot help you if you're going to start all this again.

Tony Stark: There is nothing except this. There's no art opening, no charity, nothing to sign. There's the next mission, and nothing else.

Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: Is that so? Well, then I quit.

Tony Stark: You stood by my side all these years while I reaped the benefits of destruction. Now that I'm trying to protect the people I've put in harm's way, you're going to walk out?

Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: You're going to kill yourself, Tony. I'm not going to be a part of it.

Tony Stark: I shouldn't be alive... unless it was for a reason. I'm not crazy, Pepper. I just finally know what I have to do. And I know in my heart that it's right.

William Ginter Riva: Mr. Stane. Sir, we've explored what you've asked us and it seems as though there's a little hiccup. Actually, um...

Obadiah Stane: A hiccup?

William Ginter Riva: Yes, see, to power the suit... sir, the technology doesn't actually exist. So it...

Obadiah Stane: Wait, wait, the technology?

[puts an arm around him]

Obadiah Stane: William, William...

[points at the giant arc reactor]

Obadiah Stane: Here is the technology. I've asked you to simply make it smaller.

William Ginter Riva: All right, and that's what we're trying to do, but... honestly, it's impossible.

Obadiah Stane: [shouting] Tony Stark was able to build this in a cave! With a bunch of scraps!

William Ginter Riva: Well, I'm sorry. I'm not Tony Stark.

Obadiah Stane: [to Stark] When I ordered the hit on you, I was worried that I was killing the golden goose. But, you see, it was just fate that you survived it, leaving one last golden egg to give. You really think that just because you have an idea, it belongs to you? Your father, he helped give us the atomic bomb. Now what kind of world would it be today if he was as selfish as you?

Rhodey: [seeing Stark in the Iron Man suit] That's the coolest thing I've ever seen.

Tony Stark: Not bad, huh?

Agent Phil Coulson: This isn't my first rodeo, Mr. Stark.

Rhodey: You need me to do anything else?

Iron Man: Keep the skies clear.

Obadiah Stane: You ripped out my targeting system... Hold still, you little prick!

Jarvis: Sir, it appears his suit can fly.

Iron Man: Duly noted. Take me to maximum altitude.

Jarvis: With only 19% power, the odds of reaching that altitude...

Iron Man: I know the math! Do it!

Obadiah Stane: [discussing the company's future with Tony] We're iron mongers, we make weapons.

Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: [after Stark's one night stand with Christine] I have your clothes here; they've been dry cleaned and pressed. And there's a car waiting for you outside that will take you anywhere you'd like to go.

Christine Everheart: You must be the famous Pepper Potts.

Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: [smiles and nods] Indeed I am.

Christine Everheart: After all these years, Tony still has you picking up the dry cleaning.

Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: I do anything and everything Mr. Stark requires. Including occasionally taking out the trash. Will that be all?

Tony Stark: [recording a log as he tests his rocket boots] Day 11, Test 37, Configuration 2.0. For lack of a better option, Dummy is still on fire safety.

[turns to robot]

Tony Stark: If you douse me again, and I'm not on fire, I'm donating you to a city college. Seriously, we're just gonna start off with 1% thrust capacity. And three... two... one.

[performs test successfully, then lands. Dummy raises its extinguisher arm hopefully]

Tony Stark: Please don't follow me around with it either because I feel like I'm going to catch on fire spontaneously. Just stand down. If something happens, then come in.

Pratt: Is it true that you went twelve-for-twelve with the Maxim Girls last year?

Tony Stark: That is an excellent question. Yes and no. March and I had a scheduling conflict but fortunately the Christmas cover was twins.

Tony Stark: [explaining to Jim Rhodes as to why he was late for his plane] I got stuck doing a piece for Vanity Fair.

Tony Stark: [to Jimmy, who's raising his hand] You're kidding me with the hand up, right?

Jimmy: Is it cool if I take a picture with you?

Tony Stark: Yes, it's very cool.

[Jimmy hands Pratt his camera and poses with a peace sign]

Tony Stark: I don't want to see this on your myspace page. Please no gang signs.

[Jimmy lowers hand]

Tony Stark: No, throw it up. I'm kidding. Yeah, peace. I love peace. I'd be out of a job for peace.

Agent Phil Coulson: Mr. Stark.

Tony Stark: Yeah?

Agent Phil Coulson: Agent Coulson.

Tony Stark: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, the guy from the...

Agent Phil Coulson: Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division.

Tony Stark: Whew! God, you really need a new name for that.

Agent Phil Coulson: Yeah, I hear that a lot.

Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: Agent Coulson, I just wanted to say thank you very much for all of your help.

Agent Phil Coulson: That's what we do. You'll be hearing from us.

Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: From the Strategic Homeland...

Agent Phil Coulson: [interrupting] Just call us SHIELD.

[repeated line]

Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: Will that be all, Mr. Stark?

Tony Stark: Yes, that will be all, Miss. Potts.

Tony Stark: This looks important!

[rips out Iron Monger's optic cables]

Iron Man: [picks up terrorist, throws him to civilians] He's all yours.

Tony Stark: They say that the best weapon is the one you never have to fire. I respectfully disagree. I prefer the weapon you only have to fire once. That's how Dad did it, that's how America does it, and it's worked out pretty well so far. I present to you the newest in Stark Industries' Freedom line. Find an excuse to let one of these off the chain, and I personally guarantee, the bad guys won't even wanna come out of their caves. Ladies and gentlemen, for your consideration... the Jericho.

Tony Stark: Am I making you uncomfortable?

Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: Oh, no, I always forget to wear deodorant and dance with my boss in a room full of people I work with in a dress with no back.

Tony Stark: Well, you look great, you smell great. But I could fire you if that would take the edge off.

Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: I don't think you could tie your shoes without me.

Tony Stark: I'd make it a week.

Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: A week, really? What's your social security number?

Tony Stark: [he pauses]

Tony Stark: Five...

Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: [smiling] "Five?" You're missing just a couple of digits.

Tony Stark: Right, the other eight. Well, I have you for the other eight.

Rhodey: [to Pepper at Tony's press conference after returning from Afghanistan] What's with the love in?

Yinsen: That doesn't look like the Jericho missile.

Tony Stark: That's because it is a miniaturized arc reactor. I've got a big one powering my factory at home.

Yinsen: What will it generate?

Tony Stark: If my math is right - and it always is - three gigajoules per second.

Yinsen: [amazed] That could run your heart for fifty lifetimes!

Tony Stark: Yeah... or something big for fifteen minutes.

Obadiah Stane: I've never really had a taste for this kind of thing, but I must admit I'm deeply enjoying the suit!

Obadiah Stane: How ironic, Tony! Trying to rid the world of weapons, you gave it its best one ever! And now, I'm going to kill you with it!

[Tony suggests doing something different besides manufacturing weapons]

Obadiah Stane: Like what? Make baby bottles.

Tony Stark: [Tony and Rhodey are on Tony's elaborate plane sitting at a table. Rhodey is reading a newspaper] Whatcha readin'... platypus?

Rhodey: Nothin'.

Tony Stark: Come on sour patch.

Rhodey: I told you I'm not sour...

Tony Stark: ...don't be mad...

Rhodey: ...i'm not mad, i'm indifferent, ok.

Tony Stark: I said I was sorry.

Rhodey: You don't need to apologize to me cause I'm not mad.

Stewardess: Good morning Mr. Stark.

Tony Stark: [addressing the stewardess] Hi, I said I was sorry.

Rhodey: ...i'm just indifferent right now.

Stewardess: [to Tony] Hot towel?

Rhodey: You don't respect yourself so I know you don't respect me...

Tony Stark: ...I respect you...

Tony Stark: ...so I'm just your baby sitter. so when you need your diaper changed

[receives a hot towel from the stewardess]

Tony Stark: thank you

[readdresses Tony]

Tony Stark: let me know and I'll get you a bottle, ok?

Tony Stark: Hey! Heat up the saki will ya? Thanks for reminding me.

Rhodey: I'm not talkin about a... we're not drinking we're working right now.

Rhodey: You are institutionally incapable of being responsible.

Tony Stark: It would be irresponsible NOT to drink. I'm just talking about a night cap here.

Stewardess: Hot saki?

Tony Stark: Yes, 2 please.

Rhodey: No... just... I'm not drinking. I don't want any.

Rhodey: [queue to a scene where dancey lounge music is playing and Rhodey and Tony are drinking as a stripper pole comes out of the floor for the stewardesses to dance around] That's what I'm talking about, when I get up in the morning and I'm puttin on my uniform you know what I recognize? I see in the mirror that every person with this uniform on, GOT MY BACK!

Tony Stark: you know, i'm not... i'm not... like you... aren't you just a little distracted right now?

Rhodey: you don't have to be like me, but you can be more and you just don't see it. No I can't be distracted right now!

Yinsen: We met, you know, in Bern.

Tony Stark: Really? I don't remember.

Yinsen: [chuckling] Of course not. If I had been that drunk, I wouldn't have been able to stand, let alone give a lecture on integrated circuits.

[Stark and Potts carry out an arc reactor transplant]

Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: Don't ever, ever, ever, ask me to do anything like that, ever again!

Tony Stark: I don't have anyone but you.

[as he lies dying, Dummy hands Stark the Mark I arc reactor]

Tony Stark: Good boy...

[Iron Monger breaks out of the building]

Iron Monger: Where do you think you're going?

[aims a blaster at Pepper]

Iron Monger: Your services are no longer required.

Tony Stark: [pats someone on the back] Looking great, Hef.

[the man turns around, and it's actually Stan Lee]

Iron Monger: I love this suit!

Tony Stark: Why aren't you wearing those pyjamas I gave you?

Obadiah Stane: Good night, Tony...

Tony Stark: [seeing wires running out of his chest] What the hell did you do to me?

Yinsen: What I did was save your life. That is an electromagnet, connected to a car battery. I removed as much shrapnel from your chest as I could, but there are still some pieces left. I've seen plenty of injuries like that. In my village we call those casualties "the Walking Dead", because they take about a week to reach your heart.

Raza: Long ago, the bow and arrow was the ultimate technological achievement. It was used by Genghis Khan to forge an empire that stretched across Asia, from the wintry woods of Ukraine to the Eastern shores of Korea. Now, whoever holds the weapons manufactured by Stark Industries rules the world... and soon, it will be MY turn.

Yinsen: Did you see that? Those are YOUR weapons... in the hands of those murderers! Is this what you want? Is this what you wish the legacy of the great Tony Stark to be?

Tony Stark: I shouldn't do anything. They could kill you, they're gonna kill me, either way, and even if they don't, I'll probably be dead in a week.

Yinsen: Then this is a very important week for you, isn't it?

Obadiah Stane: [staring at the Mark I armour] So that's how he did it...

Raza: Tony Stark has created the ultimate weapon: a masterpiece of death. A man with a dozen of these could rule all of Asia.

[after nearly kissing her boss]

Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: I would like a Martini, dry, with lots of olives. Like, at least three olives.

Tony Stark: Attitude control is a little sluggish above 15,000 meters, I'm guessing icing is the probable cause.

Jarvis: A very astute observation, sir. Perhaps, if you intend to visit other planets, we should improve the exosystems.

Tony Stark: Connect to the sys. co. Have it reconfigure the shell metals. Use the gold titanium alloy from the seraphim tactical satellite. That should ensure a fuselage integrity while while maintaining power-to-weight ratio. Got it?

Jarvis: Yes. Shall I render using proposed specifications?

Tony Stark: Thrill me.

[as Jarvis works on the render, Tony watches benefit at the Disney Concert Hall on TV]

Jarvis: The render is complete.

Tony Stark: A little ostentatious, don't you think?

Jarvis: What was I thinking? You're usually so discreet.

Tony Stark: [gazes at a 1930s hotrod] Tell you what. Throw a little hotrod red in there.

Jarvis: Yes, that should help you keep a low profile. The render is complete.

Tony Stark: Hey, I like it. Fabricate it. Paint it.

Jarvis: Commencing automated assembly. Estimated completion time is five hours.

Tony Stark: [looks at his watch] Don't wait up for me, honey.

Raza: [a side of his face scarred] Compliments of Tony Stark...

Obadiah Stane: If you'd killed him like you were supposed to, you'd still have a face.

[the Iron Monger lifts a car with a family in it]

Iron Monger: I love this suit!

Iron Man: Put 'em down!

Iron Monger: Collateral damage, Tony!

[playing backgammon]

Tony Stark: [rolling a 6 and 5] Sheesh o besh.

Yinsen: Good roll.

Blonde Girl: Tony! Remember me?

Tony Stark: [walking by] Sure don't.

Rhodey: [standing by Stark's airplane] Three hours! Three hours you've kept me standing here!

Tony Stark: [walking past him] Waiting on you now.

Iron Monger: You had a great idea, Tony, but my suit is more advanced in every way!

Iron Man: How'd you solve the icing problem?

Iron Monger: Icing problem?

[his suit begins to fail]

Iron Man: Might want to look into it.

[He raps his fist on Iron Monger's frozen helmet as his suit fails and plummets to the ground]

Tony Stark: [a hole in his chest] I just want you to reach in, and gently lift the wire out.

Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: Is it safe?

Tony Stark: Yeah. It should be fine. It's just like Operation, just don't let it touch the socket.

Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: What do you mean, Operation?

Tony Stark: It's just a game, never mind. Just gently lift the wire, okay? All right...

Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: You know, I... uh... I don't think that I'm qualified to do that.

Tony Stark: No, no. You're fine. You are the most capable, qualified, trustworthy person I've ever met, you'll do great. Is it too much to ask? 'Cause I really need your help here.

Tony Stark: [playing Craps] We're gonna let it ride! Give me a hand, will you? Give me a little something-something.

[woman blows on his dice]

Tony Stark: Okay, you too.

Rhodey: I don't blow on a man's dice.

Tony Stark: Come on, honey bear.

[Rhodey taps Tony hand causing him to roll the dice]

Tony Stark: There it is. Lieutenant Colonel Rhodes rolls! And...

Dealer at Craps Table: Two craps. Line away.

Rhodey: That's what happens.

Tony Stark: Worse things have happened.

[during the attack by the Ten Rings]

Tony Stark: Gimme a gun! Gimme a gun!

[Pepper sends Stark a gift: an arc reactor in a case]

Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: [inscription] "Proof that Tony Stark has a heart."

Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: Obadiah, he-he's gone insane!

Iron Man: I know!

Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: He-he built a suit!

Iron Man: Listen, you'd better get out of there! Just get out-!

[Iron Monger breaks up through the ground]

Iron Monger: Where do you think you're going?

[Iron Man is launched into the sky by Iron Monger's missile, but instead of crashing, he activates his flight repulsors and hovers]

Iron Monger: Impressive! You've upgraded your armor! I've made some upgrades of my own...

[activates jets and starts to fly too]

Jarvis: Sir, it appears his suit can fly.

Iron Man: Duly noted.

[Stark's car, the winner of a race, arrives at the airport]

Tony Stark: I thought I lost you back there!

Hogan: You did, sir.

[Everhart shows Stark some photos]

Christine Everheart: [disgusted at Stark's evident hypocrisy] Is this what you call accountability?

[Stark looks at photos of Stark Industries weapons in Afghanistan]

Tony Stark: When were these taken?

Christine Everheart: Yesterday.

Tony Stark: I didn't authorize this.

Christine Everheart: Well, your company did.

Tony Stark: I'm not my company!

Iron Monger: Nice try!

Rhodey: The future of air combat... Is it manned, or unmanned? I'll tell you in my experience, no unmanned aerial vehicle will ever trump a pilot's instinct.

[special feature]

Tony Stark: [after losing $3 million at craps] What's better, winning all that money or not caring about it?

Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: [fumbling inside Stark's chest] Oh... ah... EWW, there's pus!

Tony Stark: It's not pus. It's an inorganic plasmic discharge. It's from the device, not my body.

Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: It smells!

Tony Stark: Yeah, it does.

Agent Phil Coulson: [about Obadiah] Looks like you were right, he was building a suit.

Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: I thought it'd be bigger...

[the Iron Monger attacks]

[Stark and Stane fight on the roof of the Stark Industries power plant]

Iron Man: [intercom] Potts.

Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: Tony, are you okay?

Iron Man: Listen to me. We have to overload the arc reactor and blast the roof.

Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: Well, how are you going to do that?

Iron Man: YOU're going to do it! Go to the central console, open up all the circuits. When I get clear, I'll let you know, and then you hit the master bypass button.

Iron Man: [under fire from Obadiah] Time to hit the button!

Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: You told me not to...

Iron Man: JUST DO IT!

Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: YOU'LL DIE!

Iron Man: PUSH IT!

Tony Stark: If I were Iron Man, I'd have this girlfriend who knew my true identity. She'd be a wreck. She'd always be worrying I was going to die, yet so proud of the man I've become. She'd be wildly conflicted, which would only make her more crazy about me...

[Pepper is reaching into Tony's chest cavity]

Tony Stark: Okay now, the copper wire - you got it?

Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: Yeah, I've got it.

Tony Stark: Now pull it out, gently, and just make sure you don't touch the s...

[BUZZ!]

Tony Stark: AH! - i-i-i-des!

Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: Sorry, I'm sorry!

Tony Stark: Don't touch the sides, that's what I was trying to tell you before. Now, just gently pull that out, and whatever you do, don't pull out the...

[Pepper pulls out the end, Tony's heart monitors go off]

Tony Stark: The magnet at the end of it. See, that was it. You just...

Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: What?

Tony Stark: What I was trying to tell you - no, don't put it back in! Just put it over there, we have to hurry...

Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: What's wrong?

Tony Stark: Oh, nothing, I'm just going into cardiac arrest, because you...

Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: *What*? I thought you said this was safe!

Tony Stark: ...just yanked it out like a trout!

[testing his rocket boots for the first time]

Tony Stark: Okay, let's do this right. Start mark, half a meter and to the right. Dummy, look alive, you're on standby for fire safety. You, roll it. Activate hand controls... okay, we're gonna start off nice and easy. See if 10% thrust capacity achieves lift. In three... two... one...

[He activates his rocket boots, which launch him right up into the ceiling, to crash back down. Dummy sprays him with extinguisher foam]

[testing the Mark II armor]

Tony Stark: Okay, let's see what this thing can do. What's SR-71's record?

Jarvis: The altitude record for fixed wing flight is 85,000 feet, sir.

Tony Stark: Records are made to be broken! Come on!

Rhodey: Oh, my God, you crazy son of a bitch! You owe me a plane, you know that, right?

Tony Stark: [chuckling] Yeah, well, technically he hit me, so...

Major Allen: Mark your position and return to base.

Viper 1: Roger.

[Whiplash Two rolls, One's pilot sees Iron Man clinging to its belly]

Viper 1: I see it! It looks like a... man!

[Tony is going into cardiac arrest]

Tony Stark: We have to hurry. Take this, take this...

Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: Okay, okay...

Tony Stark: Now you have to take this wire and attach it to the base plate, there.

Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: Okay... Tony?

Tony Stark: What?

Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: Tony, it's gonna be okay.

Tony Stark: Is it?

Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: It's gonna be okay. I-I am gonna make this okay.

Tony Stark: Let's hope.

[She reaches in again and hooks up the new heart machine - CLICK!]

Tony Stark: YAAA-OOOOOW...!

[normal voice]

Tony Stark: Was that so hard? That was fun, right?

Tony Stark: I think you got a lot of my weapons.

Obadiah Stane: [holding Tony's arc reactor] A new generation of weapons... with this at its heart.

Obadiah Stane: For thirty years, I've been holding you up! I built this company up from nothing! Nothing's gonna stand in my way - least of all, *you*!

Obadiah Stane: Shame you had to bring Pepper into this. I would have preferred she live...

Christine Everheart: [at the Firefighter's Family Fund Benefit] Well, Tony Stark!

Tony Stark: [awkwardly] Oh, hey.

Christine Everheart: Fancy seeing you here.

Tony Stark: [tries to remember] Carrie.

Christine Everheart: Christine.

Tony Stark: That's right.

Christine Everheart: You have a lot of nerve showing up here tonight. Can I at least get a reaction from you?

Tony Stark: Panic. I would say panic is my reaction.

Christine Everheart: I was referring to your company's involvement in this latest atrocity.

Tony Stark: Yeah, they just put my name on the invitation, I don't know what to tell you.

Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: [to Tony] You're all I have too, y'know.

[an Air Force base prepares to scramble fighters when Iron Man appears on the radar again. Rhodey appears and hangs up the phone]

Rhodey: Not necessary, people. Just a training exercise.

[Abu Bakaar speaks to Tony]

Yinsen: [translating] He wants you to build the Jericho missile. He has everything you need here, he wants you to begin immediately. After it is completed, he will set you free.

[Abu Bakaar smiles and holds out his hand. Tony smiles and shakes it]

Tony Stark: [still smiling] No, he won't.

Yinsen: [also smiling] No, he won't.

Tony Stark: While coming out of the cave in the beginning with his selfmade suit. Tony Stark gets shot several times... then says: "My turn".

Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: I would like a vodka martini, please.

Tony Stark: Okay.

Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: Very dry with olives, a lot of olives. Like, at least three olives.

Tony Stark: [to bartender] Two vodka martinis, extra dry, extra olives, extra fast.

Nick Fury: Gentlemen, you're up!

Tony Stark: [to Thor] No hard feelings Point Break, you've got a mean swing.

[from trailer]

Nick Fury: [to Thor] What are you prepared to do?

[from trailer]

Nick Fury: There was an idea to bring together a group of remarkable people, so when we needed them, they could fight the battles that we never could...

[from trailer]

Agent Phil Coulson: What do we do?

Nick Fury: We get ready.

[from trailer]

Loki: In the end, it will be every man for himself...

[from trailer]

Tony Stark: Dr. Banner, your work is unparalleled. And I'm a huge fan of the way you lose control and turn into an enormous green rage monster.

Bruce Banner: Thanks.

Steve Rogers: Is everything a joke to you?

Tony Stark: Funny things are.

[from trailer]

Nick Fury: The world has changed...

Steve Rogers: At this point I doubt anything would surprise me.

[from trailer]

Nick Fury: I still believe in heroes.

[from trailer]

Natasha Romanoff: [to Hawkeye] This is nothing we were ever trained for...

[from trailer]

Loki: [on Iron Man] How desperate are you that you would call upon such lost creatures to defend you?

Nick Fury: You've made me VERY desperate.

[from trailer]

Agent Phil Coulson: [to Hill] I think we need to time-out.

[from trailer]

Nick Fury: It's called the Avengers Initiative.

Tony Stark: I thought I didn't qualify. I was considered, what was it? Volatile, self-obsessed, and I don't play well with others.

Pepper Potts: I knew that.

[from trailer]

Maria Hill: You put those people together, you can't expect what's going to happen...

[from trailer]

Nick Fury: [to Loki] You threatened my world with war. You might not be glad that you did...

[about Coulson's last stand]

Tony Stark: He was an idiot.

Steve Rogers: He was doing his job!

Tony Stark: For taking Loki alone, he was out of his league.

Steve Rogers: Is this the first time you've lost a soldier?

Tony Stark: We are NOT soldiers! I am not marching to Fury's fife!

Steve Rogers: Neither am I! He's got the same blood on his hands as Loki. Right now we've got to put that aside and get this done.

Thor: You people are so petty... and tiny.

[Stark suits up to chase Thor and Loki]

Steve Rogers: Stark, we need a plan of attack!

Tony Stark: I have a plan: attack!

Steve Rogers: Doctor Banner, I think now might be a good time for you to get angry.

Bruce Banner: That's my secret, Cap: I'm always angry.

[Banner hulks out and punches the Leviathan]

Steve Rogers: Thor, what's his play?

Thor: He has an army, called the Chitauri. They're not of Asgard or any world known. He means to lead them against your people. They will win him the Earth. In return, I suspect, for the Tesseract.

Steve Rogers: An army. From outer space.

Bruce Banner: So he's building another portal. That's what he needs Erik Selvig for.

Thor: Selvig?

Bruce Banner: He's an astrophysicist.

Thor: He's a friend.

Natasha Romanoff: Loki has them under some kind of spell. Along with one of ours.

Steve Rogers: I wanna know why Loki let us take him. He's not leading an army from here.

Bruce Banner: I don't think we should be focusing on Loki. That guy's brain is a bag full of cats. You can smell crazy on him.

Thor: Have a care how you speak! Loki is beyond reason, but he is of Asgard and he is my brother!

Natasha Romanoff: He killed eighty people in two days.

Thor: He's adopted.

Pepper Potts: Levels are holding steady... I think.

Tony Stark: Of course they are, I was directly involved. Which brings me to my next question: how does it feel to be a genius?

Pepper Potts: Well, ha, I really wouldn't know now, would I?

Tony Stark: What do you mean? All this came from you.

Pepper Potts: No. All this came from that.

[Points to the energy in his chest plate]

Tony Stark: Give yourself some credit, please. Stark Tower is your baby. Give yourself... twelve percent of the credit.

Pepper Potts: Twelve percent?

Tony Stark: An argument can be made for fifteen.

Pepper Potts: Twelve percent for my baby?

Tony Stark: Well, I did do all the heavy lifting. Literally, I lifted the heavy things. And sorry, but the security snafu? That was on you.

Pepper Potts: Oooooh.

Tony Stark: My private elevator...

Pepper Potts: You mean OUR elevator?

Tony Stark: ...was teeming with sweaty workmen. I'm going to pay for that comment about percentages in some subtle way later, aren't I?

Pepper Potts: Not gonna be that subtle.

Tony Stark: I'll tell you what. Next building's gonna say 'Potts' on the tower.

Pepper Potts: On the lease.

Tony Stark: ...Call your mom, can you bunk over?

Loki: Your world in the balance and you bargain for one man?

Natasha Romanoff: Regimes fall every day. I tend not to weep over that, I'm Russian... or was.

Loki: And what are you now?

Natasha Romanoff: It's really not that complicated. I've got red in my ledger, I'd like to wipe it out.

Loki: Can you? Can you wipe out that much red? Drakov's daughter, Sao Paulo, the hospital fire? Barton told me everything. Your ledger is dripping, it's gushing red, and you think saving a man no more virtuous than yourself will change anything? This is the basest sentimentality. This is a child at prayer... PATHETIC!

[cut to Stark and Banner attempting to hack S.H.I.E.L.D.'s computers]

Loki: You lie and kill in the service of liars and killers.

[Cut to Hill and Fury discovering the Security breach]

Loki: You pretend to be separate, to have your own code,

[Cut to Rogers discovering the weapons and looking shocked]

Loki: something that makes up for the horrors. But they are a part of you, and they will never go away!...

[Slams glass with his fist]

Loki: I won't touch Barton. Not until I make him kill you! Slowly, intimately, in every way he knows you fear! And when he'll wake have just long enough to see his god work, and when he screams, I'll split his skull! This is my bargain, you mewling quim!

Natasha Romanoff: [fearfully] You're a monster!

Loki: [laughing] Oh no, you brought the monster.

Natasha Romanoff: [back in normal state] So, Banner... that's your play.

Loki: What?

Natasha Romanoff: [on intercom] Loki means to unleash the Hulk. Keep Banner in the lab, I'm on my way. Send Thor as well.

[walks out]

Natasha Romanoff: [to Loki] Thank you for your cooperation.

Loki: What have I to fear?

Tony Stark: The Avengers. It's what we call ourselves, sort of like a team. "Earth's Mighiest Heroes" type thing.

Loki: Yes, I've met them.

Tony Stark: Yeah, takes us a while to get any traction, I'll give you that one. But let's do a head count here: your brother the demi-god; a super soldier, a living legend who kind of lives up to the legend; a man with breath-taking anger management issues; a couple of master assassins, and YOU, big fella, you've managed to piss off every single one of them.

Loki: That was the plan.

Tony Stark: Not a great plan. When they come, and they WILL, they'll come for you.

Loki: I have an army.

Tony Stark: We have a Hulk.

Loki: I thought the beast had wandered off...

Tony Stark: You're missing the point! There's no throne, there is no version of this where you come out on top. Maybe your army comes and maybe it's too much for us but it's all on you. Because if we can't protect the Earth, you can be damned well sure we'll avenge it!

Loki: [as Fury tries to leave with the Tesseract ] Please don't. I still need that.

Nick Fury: This doesn't have to get any messier.

Loki: Of course it does. I've come too far anything else. I am Loki, of Asgard and I am burdened with glorious purpose.

Selvig: Loki, brother of Thor.

Nick Fury: We have no quarrel with your people.

Loki: An ant has no quarrel with a boot.

Nick Fury: Are you planning to step on us?

Loki: I come with glad tidings of a world made free.

Nick Fury: Free from what?

Loki: Freedom. Freedom is life's great lie. Once you accept that, in your heart...

[walks up to Eric Selvig and touches him with the scepter]

Loki: ...you will know peace.

Nick Fury: Yeah, you say "peace," I kind of think you mean the other thing.

Clint Barton: Sir, Director Fury is stalling. This place is about to blow and drop a hundred feet of rock on us. He means to bury us.

Nick Fury: Like the pharaohs of old.

Selvig: He's right. The portal is collapsing in on itself. We've got maybe two minutes before this goes critical.

Loki: Well, then.

[Barton shoots Fury, they leave]

Agent Phil Coulson: [Over telephone] Mr Stark, we need to talk.

Tony Stark: You have reached the life model decoy of Tony Stark, please leave a message.

Agent Phil Coulson: This is urgent.

Tony Stark: Then leave it urgently.

[Coulson enters]

Tony Stark: Security breach.

[to Pepper]

Tony Stark: That's on you.

Agent Phil Coulson: Mr Stark.

Pepper Potts: Phil! Come in.

Tony Stark: Phil? Uh, his first name is Agent.

Tony Stark: I thought we were having a moment.

Pepper Potts: I was having twelve percent of a moment.

Agent Phil Coulson: I gotta say, it's an honour to meet you, officially. I sort of met you, I mean, I watched you while you were sleeping. I mean, I was, I was present while you were unconscious, from the ice. You know it's really just a, just a huge honour to have you on board.

Steve Rogers: Well I hope I'm the man for the job.

Steve Rogers: Word is you can find the cube.

Bruce Banner: Is that the only word on me?

Steve Rogers: Only word I care about.

Steve Rogers: What's the matter, scared of a little lightning?

Loki: I'm not overly fond of what follows...

[Thor appears]

Tony Stark: [to Bruce Banner] You really have got a lid on it, haven't you? What's your secret? Mellow jazz? Bongo drums? Huge bag of weed?

Maria Hill: When did you become an expert in thermonuclear astrophysics?

Tony Stark: Last night.

Steve Rogers: Are you nuts?

Tony Stark: Jury's out.

Steve Rogers: We have orders, we should follow them.

Tony Stark: Following's not really my style.

Steve Rogers: And you're all about style, aren't you?

Tony Stark: Of the people in this room, which one is A - wearing a spangly outfit and B - not of use?

Thor: Loki is a prisoner.

Nick Fury: Then why do I feel like he's the only person on this boat who wants to be here?

Steve Rogers: Big man in a suit of armour. Take that off, what are you?

Tony Stark: Genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist.

Steve Rogers: I know guys with none of that worth ten of you. I've seen the footage. The only thing you really fight for is yourself. You're not the guy to make the sacrifice play, to lay down on a wire and let the other guy crawl over you.

Tony Stark: I think I would just cut the wire.

Steve Rogers: Always a way out... You know, you may not be a threat, but you better stop pretending to be a hero.

Tony Stark: A hero? Like you?... You're a lab rat, Rogers. Everything special about you came out of a bottle!

Steve Rogers: Put on the suit. Let's go a few rounds.

Bruce Banner: I got low! I didn't see an end, so I put a bullet in my mouth... and the other guy spit it out!

Security Guard: Are you an alien?

Bruce Banner: What?

Security Guard: From outer space, an alien.

Bruce Banner: No.

Security Guard: Well then son, you've got a condition.

Loki: Please tell me you're going to appeal to my humanity.

Tony Stark: Actually, I'm planning to threaten you.

Steve Rogers: You think you can hold them off?

Clint Barton: Captain, it would be my genuine pleasure.

World Security Council: Director Fury, the council has made a decision.

Nick Fury: I recognise the council has made a decision, but given that it's a stupid-ass decision, I've elected to ignore it.

Tony Stark: [regaining consciousness] What just happened? Please tell me nobody kissed me.

Steve Rogers: We won.

Tony Stark: All right, hey! All right good job guys. Let's just not come in tomorrow; let's just take a day.

Stan Lee: Superheroes? In New York? Give me a break!

Natasha Romanoff: [tied up in a chair being interrogated by Russians, getting a call] I'm working.

Thor: We on Asgard pretend that we are more advanced, but we, we come here battling like Bilgesnipe.

Agent Phil Coulson: Like what?

Thor: The Bilgesnipe, you know; huge, scaly, big antlers. You don't have those?

Agent Phil Coulson: Don't think so.

Thor: They are repulsive, and they trample everything in their path.

Nick Fury: Having trouble sleeping?

Steve Rogers: I've been asleep for 70 years. I think I've had enough rest.

Steve Rogers: When I went under, the world was at war. I wake up, they say we won. They didn't say what we lost.

Nick Fury: We've made some mistakes along the way. Some, very recently.

Steve Rogers: Are you here with a mission, sir?

Nick Fury: I am.

Steve Rogers: Trying to get me back in the world?

Nick Fury: Trying to save it.

[Fury shows a file of the Tesseract]

Steve Rogers: HYDRA's secret weapon.

Nick Fury: Howard Stark fished that out of the ocean when he was looking for you. He thought what we think. The Tesseract could be the key to unlimited sustainable energy. That's something the world sorely needs.

Steve Rogers: Who took it from you?

Nick Fury: He's called Loki. He's not from around here. There's a lot we'll have to bring you up to speed on if you're in. The world has gotten even stranger than you already know.

Steve Rogers: At this point, I doubt anything would surprise me.

Nick Fury: Ten bucks says you're wrong. There's a debriefing packet waiting for you at your apartment. Is there anything you can tell us about the Tesseract that we ought to know now?

Steve Rogers: You should have left it in the ocean.

Jarvis: [Thor has just thrown a thunderbolt on Iron Man] Power to four-hundred percent capacity.

Tony Stark: How about that?

Steve Rogers: Have you got a suit?

Clint Barton: Yeah.

Steve Rogers: Then suit up.

Natasha Romanoff: [watching the aliens come toward them] This is just like Budapest all over again.

Clint Barton: You and I remember Budapest very differently.

Tony Stark: [to Loki] Let's do a head count here: your brother the demi-god; a super soldier, a living legend who kind of lives up to the legend; a man with breath-taking anger management issues; a couple of master assassins, and YOU, big fella, you've managed to piss off every single one of them.

[Later on]

Tony Stark: There's one more guy you pissed off... His name's Phil.

Thor: I have unfinished business with Loki.

Clint Barton: Yeah? Get in line.

Tony Stark: What else you got?

Clint Barton: Well, Thor's taking on a squadron on Sixth.

Tony Stark: And he didn't invite me...

Nick Fury: This doesn't have to get any messier.

Loki: Of course it does. I've come too far for anything else. I am Loki, of Asgard, and I am burdened with glorious purpose.

Natasha Romanoff: Doctor Banner... Bruce, you gotta fight it. This is just what Loki wants. We're gonna be okay. Listen to me. We're gonna be okay, right? I swear on my life I will get you out of this! You will walk away, and never...

Bruce Banner: [snaps, yells] YOUR LIFE...?

[Hulks out]

Maria Hill: Sir, those cards were in his locker, not his pocket.

Nick Fury: They needed a push in the right direction.

[sees the Quinjet takes off]

Nick Fury: They got it.

Loki: Kneel before me!

Loki: How will your friends have time for me, when they'll be too busy fighting you?

[taps Stark with his scepter... nothing happens]

Loki: [tries again, with no success] This usually works...

Tony Stark: Well, performance issues. One out of five...

Loki: I am Loki, of Asgard. And I am burdened with glorious purpose.

Loki: [after Thor charges at Loki's duplicate and gets locked in a prison] Are you ever NOT going to fall for that?

Tony Stark: [Discussing S.H.I.E.L.D] An intelligence agency that *fears* intelligence? Historically, not awesome.

Tony Stark: Better clench up, Legolas.

Bruce Banner: Should have got paid up front, Banner.

Natasha Romanoff: [comes up behind him] You know, for a man who's supposed to be avoiding stress, you picked a hell of a place to settle.

Bruce Banner: Avoiding stress isn't the secret.

Natasha Romanoff: Then, what is it? Yoga?

Bruce Banner: You brought me to the edge of the city, smart. I uh... assume the whole place is surrounded?

Natasha Romanoff: Just you and me.

Bruce Banner: And your actress buddy, is she a spy too? Do they start that young?

Natasha Romanoff: I did.

Bruce Banner: Who are you?

Natasha Romanoff: Natasha Romanoff.

Bruce Banner: Are you here to kill me, Miss Romanoff? Because that's not gonna work out for everyone.

Natasha Romanoff: No. No. Of course not. I'm here on behalf of SHIELD.

Bruce Banner: SHIELD. How did they find me?

Natasha Romanoff: We never lost you, doctor. We've kept our distance, even helped keep some other interested parties off your scent.

Bruce Banner: Why?

Natasha Romanoff: Nick Fury seems to trust you. But now I need you to come in.

Bruce Banner: What if I said no?

Natasha Romanoff: I'll persuade you.

Bruce Banner: And what if the... other guy says no?

Natasha Romanoff: You've been more than a year without an incident. I don't think you wanna break that streak.

Bruce Banner: I don't get always what I want.

Natasha Romanoff: Doctor, we're facing a potential global catastrophe.

Bruce Banner: Well, those I actively try to avoid.

Natasha Romanoff: This is the Tesseract.

[she shows him a photo of the Tesseract on her cell phone]

Natasha Romanoff: It has the potential energy to wipe out the planet.

Bruce Banner: What does Fury want me to do? Swallow it?

Natasha Romanoff: Well, he wants you to find it. It's been taken. It omits a gamma signature that's too weak for us to trace. There's no one that knows gamma radiation like you do. If there was, that's where I'd be.

Bruce Banner: So Fury isn't after the monster?

Natasha Romanoff: Not that he's told me.

Bruce Banner: And he tells you everything?

Natasha Romanoff: Talk to Fury, he needs you on this.

Bruce Banner: He needs me in a cage?

Natasha Romanoff: No one's gonna put you in a...

Bruce Banner: [suddenly gets angry and snaps] *Stop lying to me!*

[Natasha quickly grab her gun and points it at Banner]

Bruce Banner: I'm sorry, that was mean. I just wanted to see what you'd do. Why don't we do this the easy way, where you don't use that, and the other guy doesn't make a mess? Okay?

Bruce Banner: [Natasha, still wary, doesn't lower her gun] Natasha...

Natasha Romanoff: [she lowers her gun and speaks into her earpiece to the SHIELD agents who are surrounding the building outside] Stand down. We're good here.

Bruce Banner: [Banner looks at Natasha in amusement] Just you and me?

Loki: [after Loki and Barton break into the gala and steal some iridium, Loki then dons his gold armor and helmet and addresses at the frightened crowd] Kneel before me.

[the crowd ignores him and are running around]

Loki: I said. Kneel!

[everyone becomes quiet and kneels before him]

Loki: Is not this simpler? Is this not your natural state? It's the unspoken truth of humanity, that you crave subjugation. The bright lure of freedom diminishes your life's joy in a mad scramble for power, for identity. You were made to be ruled. In the end, you will always kneel.

German Old Man: [the crowd appears terrified by his ability to appear and disappear, but one old man refuses to kneel and rises] Not to men like you.

Loki: There are no men like me.

German Old Man: There are always men like you.

Loki: Look to your elder, people. Let him be an example.

[Loki is about to execute him with his scepter when Steve intervenes, in full Captain America uniform]

Steve Rogers: You know, the last time I was in Germany and saw a man standing above everybody else, we ended up disagreeing.

Loki: The soldier. A man out of time.

Steve Rogers: I'm not the one who's out of time.

Natasha Romanoff: [suddenly Natasha appears in one of SHIELDS aircrafts and points a machine gun towards Loki] Loki, drop the weapon and stand down.

Loki: [suddenly Loki attacks Steve and blasts him with his scepter and knocks him down] Kneel!

Steve Rogers: Not today!

[Steve flips and knocks him out with his leg]

Tony Stark: You should come by Stark Tower sometime. Top 10 floors all R&D, you'd love it... it's candyland.

Bruce Banner: Thanks, but the last time I was in New York I kind of broke... Harlem.

Thor: Do not touch me again!

Tony Stark: Then don't touch my stuff.

Thor: You have no idea what you're dealing with.

Tony Stark: Shakespeare in The Park? Doth mother know you weareth her drapes?

Thor: Loki will face Asgardian justice!

Tony Stark: He gives up the Cube, he's all yours. Until then, stay out of my way.

Agent Phil Coulson: You're at 114 Solenski Plaza, 3rd floor. We have an F22 exactly 8 miles out. Put the woman on the phone or I will blow up the block before you can make the lobby.

Maintenance Guy: [Seeing The Avengers climb aboard the aircraft to fly to Manhatten] Uh... You are not authorized to be here!

Steve Rogers: Son... just don't.

Agent Phil Coulson: You're gonna lose.

Loki: Am I?

Agent Phil Coulson: It's in your nature.

Loki: Your heroes are scattered, your floating fortress falls from the sky... where is my disadvantage?

Agent Phil Coulson: You lack conviction.

Loki: I don't think I...

[Coulson shoots Loki with his BFG, causing Loki to be blown through the wall behind him]

Agent Phil Coulson: So that's what it does.

Tony Stark: That man is playing Galaga! Thought we wouldn't notice. But we did.

Steve Rogers: How can you not trust Fury?

Tony Stark: He's a spy, he's THE spy. His secrets have secrets.

Nick Fury: [Fury had discovered a security breach and walks into the lab] What are you doing Mr. Stark?

Tony Stark: Uh, kind of been wondering the same thing about you.

Nick Fury: You're supposed to be locating the Tesseract!

Bruce Banner: We are. The model's locked and we're sweeping for the signature now.

[points at computer]

Bruce Banner: When we get the hit, we'll have a signature within half a mile.

Tony Stark: Yeah, you'll get your cube back, no mas, no fuss.

[Computer next to him beeps]

Tony Stark: . What IS Phase 2?

Steve Rogers: [Drops a weapon on a table] Phase 2 is Shield uses the cube to make weapons. Sorry, the computer was moving a little slow or me.

Nick Fury: Rogers, we gathered everything related to the Tesseract, this does not mean that we...

Nick Fury: I'm sorry, Nick!

[Turns a monitor around showing a schematic of a rocket]

Nick Fury: What were you lying?

Steve Rogers: I was wrong, Director. The world hasn't changed a bit.

Bruce Banner: [Thor and Natasha enter, Banner turns to Natasha] Did you know about this?

Natasha Romanoff: [Sternly looks at Banner - earlier discovering Loki's plan] You want to think about removing yourself from this environment doctor?

Bruce Banner: [chuckles] I was in Calcutta, I was pretty well removed

Natasha Romanoff: Loki is manipulating you.

Bruce Banner: And you been doing what, exactly?

Natasha Romanoff: You didn't come here because I bat my eyelashes at you

Bruce Banner: Yes, and I'm not leaving because suddenly you get a little twitchy. I want to know why S.H.I.E.L.D is using the Tesseract to build weapons of mass destrutions.

Nick Fury: [Points at Thor] Because of him!

Thor: Me?

Nick Fury: Last year, Earth had a visit from another planet that had a grudge match that leveled a small town. We learned that only are we not alone, but we are hopelessly, hilariously outgunned.

Thor: My people want nothing but peace with your planet.

Nick Fury: But you're people out there are you, and you're not the only threat. The world is filling up with people that can't be matched, that can't be controlled.

Steve Rogers: Like you control the cube?

Thor: Your work with the Tesseract is what drew Loki to it; and his allies. It is a signal to the Realm that Earth is ready for a higher form of war!

Tony Stark: He wants to beat us and he wants to be seen doing it. He wants an audience.

Steve Rogers: Right, I caught his act at Stuttengard.

Tony Stark: Yeah. That's just a preview, this will be opening night. Loki's a full-tilt diva. He wants flowers, he wants parades, he wants a monument built in the skies with his name plastered...

[pause]

Tony Stark: Son of a bitch!

[heads to Stark Tower]

Jarvis: [as Iron Man arrives at Stark Tower to confront Loki and Selvig] Sir, I've shut down the Arc Reacter, but the device is already self-sustaining.

Iron Man: Shut it down, Dr. Selvig.

Selvig: It's too late! She can't stop now. She wants to show us something! A new universe.

Iron Man: OK.

[blasts the device, which defends itself with a barrier, blasting Selvig into a wall and pushing Iron Man back]

Jarvis: The barrier is pure energy. It's unbreachable.

Iron Man: Yeah I got that - Plan B.

[he turns to Loki and drifts down to his landing pad]

Jarvis: Sir, the Mark VII is not ready for deployment.

Selvig: Then skip the spinning rims! We're on the clock!

[Lands and has his armor removed]

Loki: Please tell me you're going to appeal to my humanity

Tony Stark: Uh, actually I'm planning to threaten you.

Loki: You should have left your armor on for that.

Tony Stark: Yeah. It's seen a bit of "mileage" and you got the "glow-stick of destiny". Would you like a drink?

Loki: Stalling me won't change anything

Tony Stark: No, no no, threatening! No drink? You sure? I'm having one.

Tony Stark: JARVIS, have you heard the tale of Jonah?

Jarvis: I wouldn't consider him a role model.

[Iron Man flies through a Leviathan]

[Loki awakens to find the Avengers staring at him]

Loki: If it's all the same to you, I'll have that drink now.

Loki: Enough! You are, all of you are beneath me! I am a god, you dull creature, and I shall not be bullied by...

[Hulk flattens Loki with repeated smashes into the floor]

The Hulk: [leaving] Puny god.

[Loki groans weakly from his crater in the floor]

Natasha Romanoff: [all arguing in the lab] Are you all really that naive? S.H.I.E.L.D monitors potential threats.

Bruce Banner: Captain America is on potential threat watch list?

Tony Stark: [to rogers] You're on that list? Are you above or below angry bees?

Steve Rogers: I swear to God, Stark, one more crack...

Tony Stark: Threatening! I feel threatened!

Steve Rogers: Stark? We got him.

Tony Stark: Banner...?

Steve Rogers: Just like you said.

Tony Stark: Then tell him to suit up... I'm bringing the party to you.

[he and the Leviathan break out of a building and speed away toward the rest of the Avengers]

Natasha Romanoff: I, I don't see how that's a party...

Thor: I thought you dead.

Loki: Did you mourn?

Thor: We all did. Our father...

Loki: YOUR father! He DID tell you my true parentage, did he not?

Thor: We were raised together. We played together. We fought together. Do you remember none of that?

Loki: I remember a shadow, living in the shade of your greatness. I remember you tossing me into an abyss, I who should have been king!

Thor: [referring to humans] You think yourself above them?

Loki: Well, yes.

[first lines]

The Other: The Tesseract has awakened. It is on a little world. A human world. They would wield its power, but our ally knows its workings as they never will. He is ready to lead. And our force, our Chitauri, will follow. The world will be his. The universe yours. And the humans, what can they do but burn?

Nick Fury: Where's Barton?

Selvig: The Hawk? Up in his nest, as usual.

Tony Stark: What's the stat, Rogers?

Steve Rogers: [looks at the Helicarrier tech] It seems to be powered by some sort of electricity!

Tony Stark: ...well, you're not wrong.

The Other: The Chitauri grow restless.

Loki: Let them gird themselves. I will lead them into glorious battle.

The Other: Battle? Against the meager might of Earth?

Loki: Glorious, not lengthy. If your force is as formidable as you claim.

The Other: You question us? You question HIM? He, who put the scepter in your hand, who gave you ancient knowledge and new purpose when you were cast out, defeated?

Loki: I was a king, the rightful king of Asgard! Betrayed!

The Other: Your ambition is little, born of childish need. We look beyond the Earth to greater worlds the Tesseract will unveil.

Loki: You don't have the Tesseract yet. I don't threaten, but until I open the doors, until your force is mine to command, you are but words.

The Other: You will have your war, Asgardian. If you fail, if the Tesseract is kept from us, there will be no realm, no barren moon, no crevice where he can not find you. You think you know pain? He will make you long for something as sweet as pain.

Thor: I thought humans were more evolved than this.

Nick Fury: Excuse me, did WE come to YOUR planet and blow stuff up?

Thor: Loki, turn of the Tesseract or I will destroy it!

Loki: You can't! There's no stopping it. There is only the war!

Thor: So be it!

Natasha Romanoff: [Penetrating the barrier with Loki's scepter] I can close it. Can anybody copy? I can shut the portal down.

Steve Rogers: Do it!

Tony Stark: No wait!

Steve Rogers: Stark, these things are still coming!

Tony Stark: I got a nuke coming in. It's going to blow in less than a minute, and know just where to put it.

[referring to the portal]

Steve Rogers: Stark, you know that's a one way trip.

Tony Stark: Save the rest for the turn, J.

Jarvis: Sir, shall I try Ms. Potts?

Tony Stark: Might as well.

Natasha Romanoff: Come on, Stark...

[last lines]

Maria Hill: Sir, how does it work now? They've gone their separate ways, some pretty extremely far. We get into a situation like this again, what happens then?

Nick Fury: They'll come back.

Maria Hill: You really sure about that?

Nick Fury: I am.

Maria Hill: Why?

Nick Fury: Because we'll need them to.

The Other: Humans... They are not the cowering wretches we were promised. They stand. They are unruly, and therefore cannot be ruled. To challenge them is to court death.

[Thanos rises and smiles]

Agent Phil Coulson: [on the phone] I'll brief you on everything when you get back. But first, we need you to talk to the big guy.

Natasha Romanoff: Coulson, you know that Stark trusts me about as far as he can throw me.

Agent Phil Coulson: Oh, I've got Stark. You get the big guy.

[Natasha looks nervous, realizing he means the Hulk]

Tony Stark: You're good on this end. The rest is up to you.

Pepper Potts: [on the other line] You disconnected the transition lines? Are we off the grid?

Tony Stark: Stark Tower is about to become a beacon of self-sustaining clean energy.

Pepper Potts: Wow. So maybe our reactor takes over and it actually works?

Tony Stark: I assume. Light her up.

[as Iron Man flies to the Stark Tower building, the power is switched on and the Stark sign lights up]

Pepper Potts: How does it look?

Tony Stark: Like Christmas, but with more... *me.*

Pepper Potts: What is all of this?

Tony Stark: This is, uh...

[Different profiles appears in holographic form floating in the air in front of Stark and Pepper]

Tony Stark: This.

[Screens appear of Captain America in action, the Hulk roaring as he attacks the Army at Culver University, and another is of Loki and the Tesseract, to which Stark and Pepper look on in awe]

Pepper Potts: I'm going to take the jet to D.C. tonight.

Tony Stark: Tomorrow.

Pepper Potts: You've got homework. You've got a lot of homework.

Natasha Romanoff: Gentlemen, you might want to step inside in a minute. It's going to get a little hard to breathe.

[as the Helicarrier starts to power up, Steve Rogers and Bruce Banner walk to the edge]

Steve Rogers: Is this a submarine?

Bruce Banner: Really? They want me submerged in a pressurized metal container?

[Rogers and Banner stand at the edge and they look over as the Helicarrier starts to slowly rise out of the ocean to fly]

Bruce Banner: [smiles] Oh, no, this is MUCH worse!

Selvig: The Tesseract is showing me so much. It's more than just knowledge, it's... truth.

Loki: I know. What did it show you, Agent Barton?

Clint Barton: My next target.

Loki: Tell me what you need.

Clint Barton: I'll need a distraction.

[Barton grabs his bow]

Clint Barton: And an eyeball.

[Captain America puts on a parachute to go follow after Thor, Loki and Iron Man]

Natasha Romanoff: I'd sit this one out, Cap.

Steve Rogers: I don't see how I can.

Natasha Romanoff: These guys come from legend, Captain. They're basically gods.

Steve Rogers: There's only one God, ma'am, and I'm pretty sure he doesn't dress like *that.*

[Captain America leaps out of the Quinjet]

Thor: Where is the Tesseract?

Loki: [laughs] I missed you too.

Thor: Do I look to be in a gaming mood?

Loki: Oh, you should thank me. With the Bifrost gone how much dark energy did the Allfather have to muster to conjure you here? Your precious Earth.

Thor: I thought you dead.

Loki: Did you mourn?

Thor: We all did. Our father...

Loki: Your father. He did tell you my true parentage, did he not?

Thor: We were raised together, we played together, we fought together. Do you remember none of that?

Loki: I remember a shadow. Living in the shade of your greatness. I remember you tossing me into an abyss. I who was and should be king!

Thor: So you take the world I love as recompense for your imagined slights. No, the Earth is under my protection, Loki.

Loki: [laughs] And you're doing a marvelous job with that. The humans slaughter each other in droves, while you ideally threat. I mean to rule them. And why should I not?

Thor: You think yourself above them.

Loki: Well, yes.

Thor: Then you miss the truth of ruling, brother. Throne would suit you ill.

Loki: I've seen worlds you've never known about! I have grown, Odinson, in my exile! I have seen the true power of the Tesseract, and when I wield it...

Thor: Who showed you this power? Who controls the would-be-king?

Loki: I am a king!

Thor: Not here! You give up the Tesseract! You give up this poisonous dream! You come home.

Loki: I don't have it. You need the cube to bring me home, but I've sent it off I know not where.

Thor: You listen well, brother. I...

[Thor is knocked off the mountain by Iron Man who tackles him in mid-flight]

Loki: I'm listening.

Tony Stark: You know, I've got a cluster of shrapnel, trying every second to crawl its way into my heart.

[Stark points at the mini-arc reactor in his chest]

Tony Stark: This stops it. This little circle of light. It's part of me now, not just armor. It's a... terrible privilege.

Bruce Banner: But you can control it.

Tony Stark: Because I learned how.

Bruce Banner: It's different.

[Banner tries to read the computer screen, but Stark slides the data aside with his finger so the two can see face-to-face]

Tony Stark: Hey, I've read all about your accident. That much gamma exposure should have killed you.

Bruce Banner: So you're saying that the Hulk... the other guy... saved my life? That's nice. It's a nice sentiment. Save it for what?

Tony Stark: I guess we'll find out.

[Banner and Stark get back to work at their respective computers]

Bruce Banner: You might not like that.

Tony Stark: You just might.

Thor: You speak of control, yet you court chaos.

Bruce Banner: It's his M.O., isn't it? I mean, what are we, a team? No, no, no. We're a chemical mixture that makes chaos. We're... we're a time-bomb.

Nick Fury: You need to step away.

Tony Stark: Why shouldn't the guy let off a little steam?

Steve Rogers: You know damn well why! Back off!

Tony Stark: Oh, I'm starting to want you to make me.

Nick Fury: Agent Romanoff, would you escort Dr. Banner back to his...

Bruce Banner: Back where? You rented my room.

Nick Fury: The cell was built...

Bruce Banner: In case you needed to kill me, but you can't! I know! I tried!... I got low. I didn't see an end, so I put a bullet in my mouth... and the other guy spit it out! So I moved on. I focused on helping other people. I was good, until you dragged me back into this freak show and put everyone here at risk!

[Banner slowly gets upset as he looks at Romanoff, who gets unnerved]

Bruce Banner: You wanna know my secret, Agent Romanoff? You wanna know how I stay calm?

[Black Widow and Nick Fury have their hands down to grab their guns]

Steve Rogers: Doctor Banner... put down the scepter.

[Banner looks down and is shocked to see he's holding Loki's scepter; the computer beeps]

Tony Stark: Got it.

[Banner puts down the scepter and heads to the computer]

Bruce Banner: Sorry, kids. You don't get to see my little party trick after all.

Pilot: Target acquired.

[Fires guns at Hulk]

Pilot: Target engaged.

[as Hulk leaps toward airplane]

Pilot: TARGET ANGRY! TARGET ANGRY!

[In a Quinjet, Agent Coulson walks to Steve Rogers who is seated and looks at Bruce Banner's file on his laptop]

Steve Rogers: So this Doctor Banner was trying to replicate the serum that was used on me?

Agent Phil Coulson: A lot of people were. You were the world's first superhero. Banner thought gamma radiation might hold the key to unlocking Erskine's original formula.

[Steve watches the footage of the Hulk's attack on the Army at Culver University and the Hulk roars with fury as he slams a jeep apart]

Steve Rogers: Didn't really go his way, did it?

Agent Phil Coulson: Not so much. When he's got that thing though, guy's like a Stephen Hawking.

[Steve looks confused]

Agent Phil Coulson: He's like a smart person. I gotta say, it's an honor to meet you, officially.

[Steve smiles at Coulson]

Agent Phil Coulson: I sort of met you, I mean, I watched you while you were sleeping.

[Steve looks amused. He stands up, closes his laptop and walks to the side with Coulson following]

Agent Phil Coulson: I mean, I was... I was present while you were unconscious from the ice. You know, it's really, it's just a... just a huge honor to have you on board.

Steve Rogers: Well, I hope I'm the man for the job.

Agent Phil Coulson: Oh, you are. Absolutely. Uh... we've made some modifications to the uniform. I had a little design input.

Steve Rogers: The uniform? Aren't the stars and stripes a little... old fashioned?

Agent Phil Coulson: With everything that's happening, the things that are about to come to light, people might just need a little old fashioned.

[Nick Fury and Dr. Bruce Banner shake hands]

Nick Fury: Doctor, thank you for coming.

Bruce Banner: Thanks for asking nicely. So, uh... how long am I staying?

Nick Fury: Once we get our hands on the Tesseract, you're in the clear.

Bruce Banner: Where are you with that?

[Nick Fury turns to Agent Coulson to explain, while Natasha Romanoff eyes an image of Clint Barton on a computer screen]

Agent Phil Coulson: We're sweeping every wirelessly accessible camera on the planet. Cell phones, laptops. If it's connected to a satellite, it's eyes and ears for us.

Natasha Romanoff: That's still not gonna find them in time.

Bruce Banner: You have to narrow the field. How many spectrometers do you have access to?

Nick Fury: How many are there?

Bruce Banner: Call every lab you know, tell them to put the spectrometers on the roof and calibrate them for gamma rays. I'll rough out a tracking algorithm based on cluster recognition. At least we could rule out a few places. Do you have somewhere for me to work?

Nick Fury: Agent Romanoff, would you show Dr. Banner to his laboratory, please.

[Natasha nods and walks off, leading Banner down the hall]

Natasha Romanoff: You're gonna love it, Doc. We got all the toys.

[Black Widow is flying a Quinjet, while a maskless Captain America and helmetless Iron Man stand in the back keeping an eye on Loki]

Steve Rogers: I don't like it.

Tony Stark: What? Rock of Ages giving up so easily?

Steve Rogers: I don't remember it being ever that easy. This guy packs a wallop.

Tony Stark: Still, you are pretty spry, for an older fellow. What's your thing, Pilates?

Steve Rogers: What?

Tony Stark: It's like calisthenics. You might have missed a couple things, you know, doing time as a Capsicle.

[Captain America looks at Iron Man, annoyed]

Steve Rogers: Fury didn't tell me he was calling you in.

Tony Stark: Yeah, there's a lot of things Fury doesn't tell you.

[Captain America throws his shield between Iron Man and Thor, stopping their fight in the woods]

Steve Rogers: Hey! That's enough!

[Captain America looks at Thor]

Steve Rogers: Now, I don't know what you plan on doing here.

Thor: I've come here to put and end to Loki's schemes!

Steve Rogers: Then prove it! Put the hammer down.

Tony Stark: Um, yeah, no! Bad call! He loves his hammer!

[Thor Iron Man back with a hit from Mjolnir]

Thor: [to Cap] You want me to put the hammer down?

[Captain America ducks and holds up his shield as Thor leaps at Cap. The impact of the hammer on the vibranium shield creates a massive shockwave]

Steve Rogers: Are we done here?

Steve Rogers: Does Loki need any particular kind of power source?

Bruce Banner: He got to heat the cube to a hundred and twenty million Kelvin just to break through the Coulomb barrier.

Tony Stark: Unless, Selvig has figured out how to stabilize the quantum tunnelling effect.

Bruce Banner: Well, if he could do that he could achieve Heavy Ion Fusion at any reactor on the planet.

Tony Stark: Finally, someone who speaks English.

Steve Rogers: Is that what just happened?

[Stark and Banner shake hands]

Tony Stark: It's good to meet you, Dr. Banner. Your work on anti-electron collisions is unparalleled. And I'm a huge fan of the way you lose control and turn into an enormous green rage monster.

Bruce Banner: Thanks.

Nick Fury: [to Stark] Dr. Banner is only here to track the cube. I was hoping you might join him.

Steve Rogers: Let's start with that stick of his. It may be magical, but it works an awful lot like a Hydra weapon.

Nick Fury: I don't know about that, but it is powered by the cube. And I'd like to know how Loki used it to turn two of the sharpest men I know into his personal flying monkeys.

Thor: Monkeys? I do not understand.

Steve Rogers: I do!

[Stark rolls his eyes, while Cap looks proud of himself]

Steve Rogers: I understood that reference.

[Thor has his arms wrapped around Hulk's right arm and he is trying to fight back the Hulk's attack]

Thor: We are not your enemies, Banner! Try to think!

[Hulk lifts his arm up, to Thor's surprise, and he sends him flying as he punches Thor's face with his left fist]

[Nick Fury goes over to the fatally-wounded Coulson]

Agent Phil Coulson: I'm sorry, boss. The god rabbited.

Nick Fury: Just stay awake. Eyes on me.

Agent Phil Coulson: No. I'm clocked out here.

Nick Fury: Not an option.

Agent Phil Coulson: It's okay, boss. This was never going to work... if they didn't have something... to...

[Agent Coulson looks away and sighs his last breath. Nick Fury looks on grimly at Coulson]

Nick Fury: Agent Coulson is down.

Unknown SHIELD Agent: Paramedics are on their way.

Nick Fury: They're already here.

[Maria Hill listens on her headset, as do Captain America and Iron Man from another room]

Nick Fury: They called it.

World Security Council: Where are the Avengers?

Nick Fury: I'm not currently tracking their whereabouts. I'd say they've earned a leave of absence.

World Security Council: And the Tesseract?

Nick Fury: The Tesseract is where it belongs: out of our reach.

World Security Council: That's not your call.

Nick Fury: I didn't make it. I just didn't argue with the god that did.

World Security Council: So you let him take it and the war criminal, Loki, who should be answering for his crimes?

Nick Fury: Oh, I think he will be.

World Security Council: I don't think you understand what you've started. Letting the Avengers loose on this world. They're dangerous.

Nick Fury: They surely are. And the whole world knows it. Every world knows it.

World Security Council: Was that the point of all this? A statement?

Nick Fury: A promise.

Steve Rogers: Stark, are you seeing any of this?

Tony Stark: Seeing, still working on believing.

Tony Stark: [to Captain America] In a few hours I'll know every dirty secret S.H.I.E.L.D. has been trying to hide. Blueberry?

Tony Stark: [Covering his eye, looks around] How does Fury do this?

Maria Hill: He turns.

Tony Stark: Well, that sounds exhausting.

Thor: Where is the tesseract?

Loki: I missed you too.

Tony Stark: Cap, pull the lever!

Steve Rogers: I need a minute here!

Tony Stark: Lever. Now!

Tony Stark: [examines Loki's helmet] Make a move, Reindeer Games.

Loki: [takes off armor]

Tony Stark: Good move.

Natasha Romanoff: [Clint is waking up from Loki's mind control] Clint, you're gonna be alright.

Clint Barton: You know that? Is that what you know? I got... I gotta go in though. I gotta flush him out.

Natasha Romanoff: You gotta level out, that's gonna take time.

Clint Barton: You don't understand. Have you ever had someone take your brain and play? Take you out and stuff something else in? You know what it's like to be unmade?

Natasha Romanoff: You know that I do.

Clint Barton: Why am I back? How'd you get him out?

Natasha Romanoff: Cognitive re-calibration. I hit you really hard in the head.

Clint Barton: Thanks.

Clint Barton: [Natasha has freed him from his restraints] Tasha, how many agents did I-?

Natasha Romanoff: Don't. Don't do that to yourself, Clint. This is Loki. This is monsters and magic and nothing we were ever trained for.

Clint Barton: Loki, he got away?

Natasha Romanoff: Yeah. Don't suppose you know where?

Clint Barton: [Shakes head] Didn't need to know. Didn't ask. He's gonna make his play soon though. Today.

Natasha Romanoff: We gotta stop him.

Clint Barton: Yeah, who's "we"?

Natasha Romanoff: [Shrugs] I don't know. Whoever's left.

Clint Barton: Well, I... if I put an arrow through Loki's eye socket, I'd sleep better, I s'pose.

Natasha Romanoff: Now you sound like you.

Clint Barton: But you don't. You're a spy, not a soldier. Now you want to wade into a war. Why? What did Loki do to you?

Natasha Romanoff: He didn't, I just...

[pauses]

Clint Barton: Natasha.

Natasha Romanoff: I've been compromised. I got red in my ledger. I'd like to wipe it out.

[Fury is visiting an imprisoned Loki]

Loki: It's an impressive cage. Not built, I think, for me.

Nick Fury: Built for something a lot stronger than you.

Loki: Oh, I've heard. The mindless best. Makes play he's still a man. How desperate are you? You call on such lost creatures to defend you.

Nick Fury: How desperate am I? You threaten my world with war. You steal a force you can't hope to control. You talk about peace and you kill 'cause it's fun. You have made me VERY desperate. You might not be glad that you did.

Loki: Oh... It burns you to become so close. To have the Tesseract. To have power. Unlimited power. And for what? A warm light for all mankind to share... and then to be reminded what real power is.

[Fury turns to leave]

Nick Fury: Well, let me know if real power wants a magazine or something.

Steve Rogers: There's only one God ma'am. And I'm pretty sure he doesn't dress like that!

[Banner arrives in New York on a motorcycle just as the Chitauri have begun their attack and the other Avengers minus Iron Man approach him]

Bruce Banner: So... this all seems horrible.

Black Widow: I've seen worse.

Bruce Banner: Sorry.

Black Widow: No, we could... use... a little worse.

Captain America: Stark, we've got him.

Iron Man: Banner?

Captain America: Just like you said.

Iron Man: Then tell him to suit up. I'm bringing the party to you.

[Iron Man comes out from behind a builing with a huge Leviathan in pursuit]

Black Widow: I-I don't see how that's a party.

[the Leviathan continues to chase Iron Man as Banner approaches it with no worries]

Captain America: Dr. Banner... now might be a really good time for you to get angry.

Bruce Banner: That's my secret, Cap. I'm always angry.

[Banner Hulks out and smashes the Leviathan which begins to fall onto the Avengers]

Iron Man: Hold on!

[Iron Man fires a missile into the Leviathan and it blows into pieces as various citizens run for cover. Then the Chitauri show themselves and the Avengers officially assemble for battle]

[Captain America is outlining his plan for the Avengers to fight the Chitauri]

Captain America: Alright, listen up. Until we can close that portal our priority's containment. Barton, I want you on that roof, eyes on everything. Call out patterns and strays. Stark, you got the perimeter. Anything gets more than three blocks out, you turn it back or you turn it to ash.

Hawkeye: [to Iron Man] Want to give me a lift?

Iron Man: Right. Better clench up, Legolas.

[Iron Man takes Hawkeye up to the roof]

Captain America: Thor, you gotta try and bottleneck that portal. Slow 'em down. You got the lightning. Light the bastards up.

[Thor swings his hammer and flies off and Captain America turns to Black Widow]

Captain America: You and me, we stay here on the ground, keep the fighting here. And Hulk?

[the Hulk grunts and turns to attention]

Captain America: ...Smash.

[the Hulk grins and jumps away]

Tony Stark: [to Steve Rogers] I'm not afraid to hit an old man.

Nick Fury: I gave you this detail so you could keep a close eye on things.

Clint Barton: Well I see better from a distance.

Nick Fury: Are you seeing anything that might set this thing off?

Clint Barton: No one's come or gone. And Selvig's clean. No contacts, IMs. If there was any tampering, sir, it wasn't at this end.

Nick Fury: "At this end"?

NASA Scientist: [to Selvig] Doctor, it's spiking again.

Clint Barton: Yeah, the Cube is a doorway to the other end of space, right? Doors open up both sides.

Selvig: Not yet.

[the Tesseract activates and opens a portal, Loki steps through]

Nick Fury: Sir, please put down the spear.

Iron Man: Alright. Hey. Alright. Good job, guys. Let's just not come in tomorrow. Let's just take a day. Have you ever tried shawarma? There's a shawarma joint about two blocks from here. I don't know what it is, but I wanna try it.

[after attacking Loki with full weapons activated]

Tony Stark: Make a move, Reindeer Games...

[Loki quietly surrenders]

Tony Stark: Good move.

Steve Rogers: Mr. Stark.

Tony Stark: Captain.

Maria Hill: When did you become an expert in thermonuclear physics?

Tony Stark: Last night.

Lex Luthor: [to Zod and Company, at the half-wrecked White House] ... Hi! Lex Luthor.

[no reaction from the Super Villains]

Lex Luthor: LEX LUTHOR! Possibly you've heard the name? the Greatest Criminal Mind on Earth!

Ursa: I told you this was a puny planet.

[moves menacingly towards Luthor]

Lex Luthor: Whoa whoa whoa wait... why don't you get to know me better?

[Ursa continues moving towards Luthor]

Lex Luthor: WAIT! I can give you anything! The... the... the... the Brass Ring, unlimited freedom to maim and kill! PLUS! Lex Luthor's keen mind, Lex Luthor's savvy, Lex Luthor's school of career guidance...

[Ursa begins crushing his hand]

General Zod: We already have this without you. You cannot bargain with what you don't have.

Lex Luthor: [sucking on his thumb to numb the pain] Oh Great One, what I am bargaining with is what YOU do not have: The Son of Jor-El.

General Zod: The Son of Jor-El?

Lex Luthor: [confused] I just said that.

General Zod: Jor-El? Our jailer?

Lex Luthor: [sarcastically] No, Jor-El the BASEBALL PLAYER...

[Ursa and Non start moving menacingly towards Luthor]

Lex Luthor: Yes, Jor-El your jailer.

General Zod: The Son of Jor-El! On this planet!

Lex Luthor: Perhaps you know him better by his nom de voyage, or the name he travels under: Superman.

General Zod: So THIS is Superman! How do you know of Jor-El?

Lex Luthor: Well, Your Excellency, as I explained earlier: I'm about the best there is.

General Zod: Revenge! We will kill the son of our jailer!

Ursa: Revenge!

Lex Luthor: REVENGE! Now we're cooking!

General Zod: He flies then?

Lex Luthor: Constantly.

General Zod: He has powers as we do?

Lex Luthor: Certainly. But, oh Magnificent One, he is one, while you are three.

[Non growls]

Lex Luthor: Or four, if you count him twice!

General Zod: Come! We will bring him to his knees!

Ursa: Praying!

General Zod: Yes, to ME!

Lex Luthor: Wait!

[the Super Villains turn to face Luthor]

Lex Luthor: First you must find him... and Lex Baby is the only one who knows where he is...

General Zod: No! Who else is seeing this?

Reporter: Well, with the satellite link up just about everybody, I mean the whole planet.

General Zod: The whole planet Houston?

Reporter: Earth... The whole planet Earth.

General Zod: [pleased] You may continue.

Reporter: As the extraordinary story continues...

Ursa: [petulantly to Zod] Enough of this! If the whole planet is watching, cannot we show them something more interesting?

Army Major: Throw down your arms and surrender. This is an order!

Ursa: General Zod does not take orders. He gives them.

Ursa: You are master of all you survey.

General Zod: [bored] So I was yesterday. And the day before.

President: [on T.V] This is your President. On behalf of my country and in the name of the other leaders of the world with whom I have today consulted, I hereby abdicate all authority and control over this planet to General Zod. Only by following all his directives will the lives of millions be spared...

[desperately]

President: Superman! Can you hear me? Superman! Where are you...

General Zod: Who is this Superman?

President: You'll find out and when you do-...

General Zod: Come to me, Superman! I defy you! Come and kneel before Zod! Zod!

General Zod: [looking at the Presidential Seal on the floor of the Oval Office] I see you are practiced in worshiping things that fly. Good. Now, rise before Zod.

[the "President" stands up]

General Zod: Kneel before Zod.

[the "President" kneels]

General Zod: You are not the President. No one who leads so many could possibly kneel so quickly.

President: [appears from behind the other men] I'm the man they're protecting. I'm the President. I'll kneel before you, if it will save lives.

General Zod: It will, starting with your own.

Ursa: [walking towards a group of military men] What a backwards planet this must be, where the men wear the ribbons... and the jewelry!

[rips the ribbons off a general's uniform]

President: What I do now, I do for the sake of the people of Earth. But there is one man on this planet who will NEVER kneel before you.

General Zod: Who is this imbecile? Where is he?

President: I wish I knew.

[kneels]

President: Oh God.

General Zod: Zod!

Ursa: [after using heat vision on a snake] Did you see that? Did you see what I did? I have powers beyond reason here!

General Zod: We all have them, my dear.

General Zod: I win. I always win. Is there no one on this planet to even challenge me?

[Clark Kent has been beaten in a fistfight after losing his superpowers]

Clark Kent: Looks like from now on you'll have to have a bodyguard with you.

Lois Lane: I don't want a bodyguard. I want the man I fell in love with.

Clark Kent: I know, Lois. I wish he was here.

Lex Luthor: Superman! Thank God!

[sees Zod glaring at him]

Lex Luthor: I mean, get him!

Sheriff: Dwayne, you've gotta learn to kick ass if you wanna be a peacemaker.

Lex Luthor: What am I gonna do with you people, huh? I held up my end, I delivered the blue boy. What do I get from my triple threat? "Bow! Yield! Kneel!" That kind of stuff closes out a town.

General Zod: Why do you say this to me when you know I will kill you for it?

Lex Luthor: Kill me? Lex Luthor? Extinguish the greatest criminal flame of our age? Eradicate the only man on Earth with...

Ursa: Kill him!

Lex Luthor: ...Superman's address?

General Zod: Come. The three of us will crush the son of our jailer!

General Zod: [referring to Superman's home] Scruffy. Morbid. A sentimental replica of a planet long since vanished. No style at all!

General Zod: I expect better manners from my guests, Zod.

Lois Lane: Superman, this wasn't my idea...!

General Zod: Accept your destiny, Kal-El. As your father once condemned us, so now do we condemn his misbegotten brat!

Ursa: Come forward. Your General wishes to speak.

General Zod: I am General Zod. Your ruler. Yes, today begins a new order. Your lands, your possessions, your very lives, will gladly be given in tribute to me, General Zod! In return for your obedience you will enjoy my generous protection. In other words you will be allowed to live.

[rips a Generals stars from his shoulder]

General Zod: So you are a General? And who is your superior?

General: I answer only to the President.

General Zod: And he will answer to me! Or all of his cities will end up like this one.

Ursa: [watching an Army helicopter] Look. They need machines to fly.

General Zod: What bravery. Be nice to them, my dear. Blow them a kiss.

Clark Kent: General, would you care to step outside?

General Zod: Come to me, son of Jor-El, kneel before Zod!

Man in crowd 1: He's dead. Superman is dead! He's not coming out.

Man in crowd 2: They've killed Superman! What are we gonna do now?

Man in crowd 3: Let's go get 'em ourselves! C'mon, I know some judo.

Lois Lane: I'm gonna' be fine. Don't worry about me.

Clark Kent: I like worrying about you.

Clark Kent: I've never seen garbage eat garbage before.

Lex Luthor: Why didn't you go before we left?

Eve Teschmacher: That was two days ago.

General Zod: Crude noisemaker.

General Zod: This "super-man" is nothing of the kind; I've discovered his weakness.

Ursa: Yes?

General Zod: He cares. He actually cares for these Earth people.

Ursa: Like pets?

General Zod: I suppose.

Ursa: Sentimental idiot!

Otis: How're we gonna get over that wall?

Lex Luthor: How'd we get in here?

Otis: We flew in, doncha remember?

Lex Luthor: That's how we're gonna get out.

Lex Luthor: [to Superman] Guy's a clod. Promises were made, gifts exchanged. I gotta hand it to you, you know. You always told the truth, a guy always knew where he stood with you.

General Zod: [to Superman] And now... finally. Take my hand and swear eternal loyalty to Zod.

Sheriff: [finding General Zod and Company standing on a dirt road, the Sheriff kicks in his car's lights and siren; to Duane] From the look of 'em, I'll bet ten dollars they're from Los Angeles.

[to the Kryptonians]

Sheriff: Hey, you hippies! Get your butts off the road!

General Zod: I like the glow that flashes red like our Krypton sun. But not this irritating noise. Make way.

General Zod: Did you think we would give up our advantage? No. The son of Jor-El will be my slave... forever. Or else, the millions of Earthlings you protect shall pay for your defiance.

Lex Luthor: [Lex arrives] Hi, guys. Sorry I'm late.

General Zod: We have no more use for this one. Kill him.

Lex Luthor: Me? Lex Luthor? General, you came to me with nothing. I gave you Superman!

General Zod: Silence!

General Zod: Son of Jor-El. We were beginning to think you were a coward.

Superman: I'm not a coward, Zod.

Ursa: Let him prove it!

General Zod: Possibly not. It is extremely likely you are merely a fool. Like father, like son.

Superman: Somehow, I just can't hear you, Zod.

General Zod: [Using his heat vision, he breaks off the entire side of a nearby building and catches it with both hands] Then die, as you deserve to!

[He throws it at Superman, who uses his own heat vision to blow the huge projectile apart]

Ursa: [after their carnage on the moon] Strange, I tore those metal fibers like paper. And what HE did... was amazing! Something is happening...

General Zod: Yes, to all of us. The closer we come to an atmosphere with only one sun, a yellow sun, the more our molecular density gives us unlimited powers.

Ursa: [pointing to Earth] They come from there, a place called Houston.

General Zod: Then we will go there to rule. FINALLY, to rule.

[turning to Ursa]

General Zod: And you, will shall everything you wish.

Ursa: Men! To kill!

General Zod: And I will lead!

General Zod: [picking up the stunned astronaut] What sort of fragile life-form is this...?

Reporter: [watching the villains] I haven't seen the likes of this since Superman.

President: [referring to Mount Rushmore] Thousands of hours to build, and they defaced it in seconds. Imagine what they'll do to the world if we resist!

Ursa: What an undemanding male this Superman must be.

Lois Lane: Yeah, and you could use a tuck here and there yourself, sister.

Eve Teschmacher: I like trees.

Lex Luthor: So does your average cocker spaniel.

General Zod: [as somebody pulls a gun on him] These humans are beginning to bore me.

Eve Teschmacher: [as she and Lex Luthor explore Superman's Fortress of Solitude] ... Frankly, I think this place is a bit boring. I mean, it's all WHITE! Why doesn't this Superman guy put up some nice posters here... Maybe some bullfighting stuff, or a pool table...!

Lois Lane: [on herself being the only person in the world to know Superman's secret identity, to Clark] ... I didn't sleep a wink last night. Do you know what it's like to hear birds singing at dawn, after you've just spend the whole night crying...? Don't you know this is KILLING me? Have you any idea what it's like... to have you come in here every day, and not be able to talk normally to you, or show how I feel about you, or speak to anybody else about you... Hell, I don't even know what to CALL you!

Lex Luthor: [as he's strolling through the half-demolished Daily Planet, in the wake of General Zod's minions; to himself] ... Even with all this accumulated knowledge, when will these dummies learn to use a DOOR KNOB?

[to everyone]

Lex Luthor: Howdy, folks! You should see the White House; they'll be cleaning it for months.

General Zod: [just before using heat vision on Metropolis] I'll draw his fire... with some of my own.

Lara: If you intend to live your life with a mortal, you must live *as* a mortal.

Eve Teschmacher: [offscreen from a balloon] Psst.

Lex Luthor: Did you do "psst?"

Otis: No, but I wish I had before we left.

Eve Teschmacher: Psst.

Lex Luthor: Not that "psst", *that* "psst."

Eve Teschmacher: Psst.

Lex Luthor: Psst.

Otis: Psst.

Lex Luthor: Don't go "psst" when I go "psst".

Otis: Oh.

Lex Luthor: Get out there and find it.

Otis: Okay. What am I looking for?

Lex Luthor: You'll know it when you see it.

Otis: Oh. Psst.

Willie: Please, Mister.

Ursa: He's a General.

Willie: Please, Mister General! Please let my daddy down!

Ursa: If he cares so much for these humans...

[grabs Lois]

Ursa: ... why not take his favorite?

J.J.: Hey sweet thing, set them buns down here!

Ursa: [she sits and holds out her arm] Let's just hold hands.

J.J.: [he takes her hand] Let me know if this tickles.

[she throws him, breaking the table]

J.J.: I think my arm's broken.

Boog: Girl or no girl, you're gonna spit teeth. Get up!

[Zod flings him through the bar wall into the dirt road, right in front of Willie and the Sheriff]

Superman: [after admitting to Lois that he's Superman] We'd better talk.

Lois Lane: I'm in love with you.

Superman: We'd really better talk.

General Zod: [after rampaging through the Daily Planet, Zod thinks he has found Superman. He holds Jimmy way up by the collar] ... *This* is the son of Jor-El?

Jimmy Olsen: No, but I'll bet *you're* the son of a...!

Lois Lane: [cutting him off] *Jimmy!*

Superman: [at the Fortress of Solitude; whispering to Luthor] Try and get them all into this molecule chamber. It takes away their powers, see... and turns them into ordinary human beings. Now if you could...

[Zod approaches]

Superman: Shh, shh!

Lex Luthor: [pauses] General, don't go in there. It's a trap.

Superman: Luthor, you poisonous snake!

Lex Luthor: That's a molecule chamber. It turns people like you into people like me.

General Zod: [nods] You've done well, Lex Luthor.

Lex Luthor: [pointing] The crystal there activates the mechanism.

General Zod: Lex Luthor, ruler of Australia... activate the machine.

[Non grabs Luthor and flies him up to the control panel]

Ursa: [on the moon] You. What kind of a creature are you?

Astronaut: Just a man.

Ursa: A man?

General Zod: Why do you say this to me, when you know that I will kill you for it?

[first lines]

Krypton guard: Alert, alert, alert.

[last lines]

Superman: Good afternoon, Mr. President. Sorry I've been away so long. I won't let you down again.

Lois Lane: Once a girl's seen Superman in action, Niagara Falls kind of leaves you cold. You know what I mean?

Perry White: [upon Clark entering his office] Kent, I need a story to run with the page three sidebard. Get me everything you can on this terrorist group.

Clark Kent: Right!

[is about to leave but stops]

Clark Kent: Uh, sorry. T... terrorists?

Perry White: Get your head out of the closet, Kent! Where've you been for the past twelve hours?

Clark Kent: Home.

Perry White: Well, don't you watch television?

Clark Kent: Frankly, Mr. White, I really don't enjoy television. Too much violence. I was just reading Dickens.

Jimmy Olsen: [races in] Mr. Kent! A gang of terrorists seized the Eiffel Tower! In Paris!

Perry White: He knows where the Eiffel Tower is, Olson!

[afterthought]

Perry White: You do, don't you Kent?

Clark Kent: Yes, sir.

[to Jimmy]

Clark Kent: Has anybody been hurt?

Jimmy Olsen: Well, so far the hostages are unharmed.

Clark Kent: The hostages?

Jimmy Olsen: Yeah! Tourists! About twenty of them!

Perry White: Yeah, but that's just petty stuff. These guys claim that if the French government doesn't meet their demands, they've got a hydrogen bomb ready to level Paris.

Clark Kent: Well, geez Mr. White. That's t... terrible!

Perry White: That's why they call them "terrorists," Kent.

Lex Luthor: North... Why does he always go north?

Otis: He wants to ski?

[Eve Teschmacher & Luthor are in a balloon over the arctic, after escaping the penetentiary & leaving Otis behind]

Eve Teschmacher: Lex, how could you do that to Otis?

Lex Luthor: What else is ballast for?

Clark Kent: [Sees that General Zod has taken over the world] Here? When?

Diner Owner: When? Where the hell have you been? On a Desert Island?

Clark Kent: [returning from the bathroom, Clark discovers that his seat next to Lois has been taken] Excuse me sir, you're sitting in my seat.

Rocky: [referring to the bathroom Clark just exited] You're seat's in there, four eyes.

Clark Kent: Somebody ought to teach you some manners, sir.

Rocky: Oh, yeah? Well, let me know when he comes in.

Perry White: If Paris is going to go kablooie I want my best reporter right in the middle of it... No offense, Kent. You're good, but Lois Lane's better.

Clark Kent: It's not that; I mean, isn't that awfully dangerous for her?

Perry White: That goes with the territory, Kent. Relax; if I know Lois Lane, she'll not only come back with a Pulitzer Prize story, but a one-on-one interview with the hydrogen bomb titled "What Makes Me Tick."

Controller #1: [unaware that Zod and Company have just wiped out the entire Artemis 2-crew] ... What did Nate say a minute ago? He saw a girl?

Controller #2: I thought he said "curl."

Controller #1: What's a curl?

Controller #2: Isn't that what the old Cape Cannaveral guys called a comet with an east-west trajectory?

Controller #1: How would I know? I was in high school back then.

Controller #2: You look old for your age... Well, it looks like your run-of-the-mill, high-frequency electrical interference.

Controller #1: All right...

[to the other controllers]

Controller #1: ... Which one of you guys is using the hair-dryer?

woman 1 at Niagra Falls: [after Superman catches the boy that fell over the railing] Oh what a nice man!

woman 2 at Niagra Falls: Of course, He's Jewish you know.

General Zod: No one may leave without my permis -

[spots Willie escaping on horseback]

General Zod: I said no one leaves!

[at Zod's direction, Non hurls a projectile, obliterating Willie and his horse]

Woman: He was only a boy!

Ursa: Who will never become a man!

Bruce Wayne: Targeting me won't get their money back. I knew the mob wouldn't go down without a fight, but this is different. They crossed the line.

Alfred Pennyworth: You crossed the line first, sir. You squeezed them, you hammered them to the point of desperation. And in their desperation, they turned to a man they didn't fully understand.

Bruce Wayne: Criminals aren't complicated, Alfred. Just have to figure out what he's after.

Alfred Pennyworth: With respect Master Wayne, perhaps this is a man that *you* don't fully understand, either. A long time ago, I was in Burma. My friends and I were working for the local government. They were trying to buy the loyalty of tribal leaders by bribing them with precious stones. But their caravans were being raided in a forest north of Rangoon by a bandit. So, we went looking for the stones. But in six months, we never met anybody who traded with him. One day, I saw a child playing with a ruby the size of a tangerine. The bandit had been throwing them away.

Bruce Wayne: So why steal them?

Alfred Pennyworth: Well, because he thought it was good sport. Because some men aren't looking for anything logical, like money. They can't be bought, bullied, reasoned, or negotiated with. Some men just want to watch the world burn.

Detective Wuertz: Dent. Jesus. I thought you was dead.

Two-Face: Half.

Harvey Dent: The famous Bruce Wayne. Rachel's told me everything about you.

Bruce Wayne: I certainly hope not.

Gotham National Bank Manager: Think you're pretty smart, huh? The guy that hired youze, he'll just do the same to you. Oh, criminals in this town used to believe in things. Honor. Respect. Look at you! What do you believe in, huh? WHAT DO YOU BELIEVE IN?

[Bozo leans down and sticks a gas grenade in the manager's mouth]

Bozo: I believe whatever doesn't kill you, simply makes you...

[takes off his mask, revealing the Joker]

The Joker: ...stranger.

Mayor: [regarding The Joker] What do we got?

Lt. James Gordon: Nothing. No matches on prints, DNA, dental. Clothing is custom, no labels. Nothing in his pockets but knives and lint. No name, no other alias.

[stumbles out of wrecked truck]

The Joker: [to Batman] Come on, I want you to do it, I want you to do it. Come on, hit me. *Hit me!*

Happy: So why do they call him "The Joker"?

Dopey: I heard he wears make-up.

Happy: Make-up?

Dopey: Yeah, to scare people. You know, war paint.

Harvey Dent: Alfred, right?

Alfred Pennyworth: That's right, sir.

Harvey Dent: Yeah, Rachel talks about you all the time. You've known her, her whole life!

Alfred Pennyworth: Oh, not yet, sir.

Harvey Dent: Heh heh heh. Any psychotic ex-boyfriends I should be aware of?

Alfred Pennyworth: [smiles] Oh, you have no idea.

The Joker: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. We are tonight's entertainment! I only have one question. Where is Harvey Dent?

[nobody responds; The Joker walks around the room pointing with his shotgun at everyone]

The Joker: You know where Harvey is? You know who he is?

[grabs a man's face]

The Joker: You know where I can find Harvey? I need to talk to him about something. Just something, a little.

[turns the man's face away]

The Joker: No...

Batman: [to The Joker] You wanted me, here I am.

Bruce Wayne: You know that day that you once told me about, when Gotham would no longer need Batman? It's coming.

Rachel Dawes: Bruce. You can't ask me to wait for that.

Bruce Wayne: It's happening now. Harvey is that hero. He locked up half of the city's criminals, and he did it without wearing a mask. Gotham needs a hero with a face.

[Lau announces that he's removed all the mob's cash from their banks before the police raid, and stashed them in a secure location]

Lau: For obvious reasons, I couldn't wait for your permission. Rest assured, your money is safe.

[From outside comes the sound of loud, fake laughter. The mob bosses turn and see the Joker enter]

The Joker: And I thought my jokes were bad.

The Joker: You know, I'll settle for his loved ones.

Gentleman at Party: We're not intimidated by thugs!

The Joker: [as he smacks his lips] You know, you remind me of my father.

[the Joker pulls out his switchblade and brings it to the Gentleman's mouth]

The Joker: I hated my father!

Rachel Dawes: [off-screen] Okay, stop!

[turns to face Rachel, tosses the Gentleman to his thugs and approaches Rachel, adjusting his hair with the knife]

The Joker: Well, hello, beautiful. You must be Harvey's squeeze. And you *are* beautiful.

[he walks around her]

The Joker: Oh, you look nervous. Is it the scars? You want to know how I got 'em?

[He grabs Rachel's head and positions the knife by her mouth]

The Joker: Come here. Hey! Look at me. So I had a wife. She was beautiful, like you. Who tells me I worry too much. Who tells me I ought to smile more. Who gambles and gets in deep with the sharks. One day, they carve her face. And we have no money for surgeries. She can't take it. I just want to see her smile again. I just want her to know that I don't care about the scars. So... I stick a razor in my mouth and do this...

[the Joker mimics slicing his mouth open with his tongue]

The Joker: ...to myself. And you know what? She can't stand the sight of me! She leaves. Now I see the funny side. Now I'm always smiling!

[Rachel knees the Joker in the groin; he merely laughs it off]

The Joker: A little fight in you. I like that.

Batman: [off-screen] Then you're gonna love me.

[attacks him]

The Joker: It's a funny world we live in. Speaking of which, do you know how I got these scars?

Batman: No! But I know how you got these!

[fires gauntlet blades into Joker's face]

[bumps along while driving hijacked truck]

The Joker: I like this job - I like it!

The Joker: And... here... we... go!

The Joker: Oh, you. You just couldn't let me go, could you? This is what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object. You truly are incorruptible, aren't you? You won't kill me out of some misplaced sense of self-righteousness. And I won't kill you because you're just too much fun. I think you and I are destined to do this forever.

Batman: You'll be in a padded cell forever.

The Joker: Maybe we can share one. You know, they'll be doubling up, the rate this city's inhabitants are losing their minds.

Batman: This city just showed you that it's full of people ready to believe in good.

The Joker: Until their spirit breaks completely. Until they get a good look at the real Harvey Dent, and all the heroic things he's done. You didn't think I'd risk losing the battle for Gotham's soul in a fistfight with you? No. You need an ace in the hole. Mine's Harvey.

Batman: What did you do?

The Joker: I took Gotham's white knight and I brought him down to our level. It wasn't hard. You see, madness, as you know, is like gravity. All it takes is a little push!

[the Joker laughs hysterically as Batman races off and the cops come to take the Joker into custody]

Lt. James Gordon: [to Harvey Dent] Everyone knows you're Gotham's White Knight.

The Joker: [to Det. Stephens] Do you want to know why I use a knife? Guns are too quick. You can't savor all the... little emotions. In... you see, in their last moments, people show you who they really are. So in a way, I know your friends better than you ever did. Would you like to know which of them were cowards?

[last lines]

James Gordon Jr.: Why's he running, Dad?

Lt. James Gordon: Because we have to chase him.

James Gordon Jr.: He didn't do anything wrong.

Lt. James Gordon: Because he's the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So we'll hunt him. Because he can take it. Because he's not our hero. He's a silent guardian, a watchful protector. A dark knight.

The Joker: We really should stop this fighting, otherwise we'll miss the fireworks!

Batman: There won't *be* any fireworks!

The Joker: And here... we... go!

[Silence. Nothing happens. Confused, Joker turns to look at the clock, which shows that it's past midnight and neither ferry has blown the other up]

Batman: [triumphantly] What were you trying to prove? That deep down, everyone's as ugly as you? You're alone!

The Joker: [sighs] Can't rely on anyone these days, you have to do everything yourself, don't we!

The Chechen: What you do with all your money?

The Joker: See, I'm a man of simple tastes. I enjoy dynamite, and gunpowder, and... gasoline!

[he pours gasoline on the mountain of cash]

The Chechen: [panicked] What the...?

The Joker: Ah-ta-ta-ta-ta. And you know the thing they have in common? They're cheap.

[repeated line]

The Joker: Wanna know how I got these scars?

Batman: Beautiful, isn't it?

Lucius Fox: Beautiful... unethical... dangerous. You've turned every cellphone in Gotham into a microphone.

Batman: And a high-frequency generator-receiver.

Lucius Fox: You took my sonar concept and applied it to every phone in the city. With half the city feeding you sonar, you can image all of Gotham. This is *wrong*.

Batman: I've gotta find this man, Lucius.

Lucius Fox: At what cost?

Batman: The database is null-key encrypted. It can only be accessed by one person.

Lucius Fox: This is too much power for one person.

Batman: That's why I gave it to you. Only you can use it.

Lucius Fox: Spying on 30 million people isn't part of my job description.

The Joker: I want... my phone call. I want it. I want it! I want my phone call!

Detective Stephens: That's nice.

The Joker: How many of your friends have I killed?

Detective Stephens: I'm a twenty-year man. I can tell the difference between punks who need a little lesson in manners, and the freaks like you who just enjoy it.

[pause]

Detective Stephens: And you've killed six of my friends.

The Joker: [mouths "six?"]

The Joker: [holds camera facing himself] See, this is how crazy Batman's made Gotham! If you want order in Gotham, Batman must take off his mask and turn himself in. Oh, and every day he doesn't, people will die, starting tonight. I'm a man of my word.

[laughs]

The Joker: Harvey, Harvey, Harvey Dent.

[climbs up to the cab of a semi truck, the driver of which is dead or unconscious]

The Joker: Oh, excuse me, I want to drive!

[shoves him out and takes the wheel]

The Chechen: What do you propose?

The Joker: It's simple. We, uh, kill the Batman.

[mobsters laugh]

Salvatore Maroni: If it's so simple, why haven't you done it already?

The Joker: If you're good at something, never do it for free.

Alfred Pennyworth: I suppose they'll lock me up as well. As your accomplice...

Bruce Wayne: Accomplice? I'm going to tell them the whole thing was your idea.

Lt. James Gordon: [after Bruce saves Reese by blocking a truck with his car] It's mister Wayne, isn't it? That was a very brave thing you did!

Bruce Wayne: Trying to catch the light?

Lt. James Gordon: You weren't protecting the van?

Bruce Wayne: Why, who's in it?

[Reese steps out, sees Bruce, who nods slightly]

Bruce Wayne: Do you think I should go to the hospital?

Lt. James Gordon: You don't watch a whole lot of news, do you, Mr. Wayne?

The Joker: [over the PA] Tonight you're all gonna be part of a social experiment. Through the magic of diesel fuel and ammonium nitrate, I'm ready right now to blow you all sky high. Anyone attempts to get off their boat, you all die. Each of you has a remote... to blow up the other boat. At midnight, I blow you all up. If, however, one of you presses the button, I'll let that boat live. So, who's it going to be: Harvey Dent's most wanted scumbag collection, or the sweet and innocent civilians? You choose... oh, and you might want to decide quickly, because the people on the other boat might not be so noble.

James Gordon Jr.: Did Batman save you, Daddy?

Lt. James Gordon: Actually, this time I saved him.

Lt. James Gordon: They'll hunt you.

Batman: You'll hunt me. You'll condemn me. Set the dogs on me. Because that's what needs to happen.

[the Batpod charges]

The Joker: Ooohhh. You want to play. Come on!

Two-Face: Going to join your wife? Do you love her?

Salvatore Maroni: Yes.

Two-Face: Did you ever wonder what it would be like to listen to her die?

Salvatore Maroni: Look, take it up with the Joker. He killed your woman. He made you - like this.

[gestures at Harvey's face]

Two-Face: The Joker's just a mad dog. I want whoever let him off the leash.

[after Batman saves Rachel from falling out of a window]

Batman: You all right?

Rachel Dawes: Let's not do that again.

Salvatore Maroni: Look, if I tell you, will you let me go?

Two-Face: Can't hurt your chances.

Salvatore Maroni: It was Ramirez.

[Two-Face pulls the coin out and cocks his gun]

Salvatore Maroni: [panicking] But you said...

Two-Face: I said it couldn't hurt your chances.

[flips coin; good side]

Two-Face: You're a lucky man.

[flips again; bad side]

Two-Face: He's not.

Salvatore Maroni: Who?

Two-Face: [buckles seat belt] Your driver.

[He shoots the driver in the back; the car goes flying off the road]

Bruce Wayne: What about getting back into the plane?

Lucius Fox: I'd recommend a good travel agent.

Bruce Wayne: Without it landing.

Lucius Fox: [smiles] Now that's more like it, Mr. Wayne.

Alfred Pennyworth: Know your limits, Master Wayne.

Bruce Wayne: Batman has no limits.

Alfred Pennyworth: Well, you do, sir.

Bruce Wayne: Well, can't afford to know 'em.

Alfred Pennyworth: And what happens on the day that you find out?

Bruce Wayne: Well, we all know how much you love to say "I told you so."

Alfred Pennyworth: On that day, Master Wayne, even I won't want to. Probably.

The Joker: You have nothing, nothing to threaten me with. Nothing to do with all your strength.

Batman: You don't want to hurt the boy, Harvey.

Two-Face: It's not about what I want, it's about what's fair!

Bruce Wayne: [after running into Harvey and Rachel at a restaurant] So, let's put a couple tables together.

Harvey Dent: I'm not sure they'll let us.

Bruce Wayne: Oh, they should. I own the place.

Natascha: How could you want to raise children in a city like this?

Bruce Wayne: Well, I grew up in Gotham, and I turned out all right.

Harvey Dent: You either die a hero or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain.

Salvatore Maroni: [Batman holds him out over a ledge] From one professional to another, if you're trying to scare somebody, pick a better spot. From this height, the fall wouldn't kill me.

Batman: I'm counting on it.

[he drops Maroni off the ledge, breaking his legs]

Harvey Dent: The night is darkest just before the dawn. And I promise you, the dawn is coming.

[Wayne Enterprises accountant Coleman Reese believes that he's discovered Batman's secret identity]

Lucius Fox: Let me get this straight. You think that your client, one of the wealthiest, most powerful men in the world, is secretly a vigilante who spends his nights beating criminals to a pulp with his bare hands; and your plan, is to *blackmail* this person?

[pause, Reese looks nervous]

Lucius Fox: Good luck.

[Batman has just fought off Scarecrow and a group of Batman wannabes]

Batman: Don't let me find you out here again.

Brian: We're trying to help you!

Batman: I don't need help.

Dr. Jonathan Crane: Not my diagnosis!

Brian: What gives you the right? What's the difference between you and me?

[Batman lowers himself into the Batmobile]

Batman: I'm not wearing hockey pads!

[while cross-examining one of Maroni's thugs on the witness stand, the thug pulls a gun and fires it at Harvey Dent; it mis-fires, and Harvey decks the thug with a right cross, and takes the gun away]

Harvey Dent: Carbon fiber, .28 Caliber, made in China.

[puts it on the table in front of Maroni]

Harvey Dent: If you want to kill a public servant, Mr. Maroni, I recommend you buy American.

Judge Freel: [to policemen holding the thug] Get him out of here!

Harvey Dent: But, Your Honor, I'm not done.

[cheers from the gallery]

Maroni's Mistress: Can't we go someplace quieter? We can't hear each other talk.

Salvatore Maroni: What makes you think I want to hear you talk?

Gambol: You're crazy.

The Joker: I'm not. No, I'm not.

Batman: Then why do you want to kill me?

The Joker: [giggling] I don't, I don't want to kill you! What would I do without you? Go back to ripping off mob dealers? No, no, NO! No. You... you... complete me.

Batman: You're garbage who kills for money.

The Joker: Don't talk like one of them. You're not! Even if you'd like to be. To them, you're just a freak, like me! They need you right now, but when they don't, they'll cast you out, like a leper! You see, their morals, their code, it's a bad joke. Dropped at the first sign of trouble. They're only as good as the world allows them to be. I'll show you. When the chips are down, these... these civilized people, they'll eat each other. See, I'm not a monster. I'm just ahead of the curve.

Bruce Wayne: People are dying, Alfred. What would you have me do?

Alfred Pennyworth: Endure, Master Wayne. Take it. They'll hate you for it, but that's the point of Batman, he can be the outcast. He can make the choice that no one else can make, the right choice.

Bruce Wayne: Well today I found out what Batman can't do. He can't endure this. Today you get to say "I told you so."

Alfred Pennyworth: Today, I don't want to.

[pauses for several moments]

Alfred Pennyworth: But I did bloody tell you.

The Joker: If we don't deal with this now, soon little, uh, Gambol here won't be able to get a nickel for his grandma.

Gambol: [explodes] Enough from the clown!

[He rises to his feet; Joker does too, opening his coat to reveal a cluster of grenades, attached to a string around his thumb]

The Joker: Ah-ta-ta-ta! Let's not *blow* this out of proportion.

Gambol: You think you can steal from us and just walk away?

The Joker: Yeah.

Lt. James Gordon: It's mister Wayne, isn't it? That was a very brave thing you did!

Bruce Wayne: Trying to catch the light?

Lt. James Gordon: You weren't protecting the van?

Bruce Wayne: [pretending to be oblivious] Why? Who's in it?

Reese: They're trying to kill me!

Lt. James Gordon: Well, maybe Batman will save you.

The Chechen: [after bringing out a man under the influence of fear toxin] Look at what your drugs did to my customers.

Scarecrow: Buyer beware. I told you my compound would take you places. I never said they'd be places you wanted to go.

The Chechen: My business... repeat customers...

Scarecrow: If you don't like what I have to offer, you can buy from someone else. Assuming Batman left anyone to buy from.

Two-Face: You thought we could be decent men in an indecent time. But you were wrong. The world is cruel, and the only morality in a cruel world is chance.

[holds up his coin]

Two-Face: Unbiased. Unprejudiced. Fair.

Lucius Fox: It emits a high-frequency pulse for mapping an environment and records a response time.

Bruce Wayne: Sonar. Just like a...

Lucius Fox: [interrupting before he can say "bat"] Like a *submarine*, Mr. Wayne. Like a submarine.

Batman: [about the Joker] Where is he?

Salvatore Maroni: I don't know where he is, he found us!

Batman: He must have friends!

Salvatore Maroni: [incredulous] Friends? Have you *met* this guy?

The Joker: [Batman slams The Joker's head on a table] Never start with the head, the victim gets all fuzzy. He can't feel the next...

[Batman slams a fist down on Joker's hand; pause]

The Joker: See?

The Joker: Those mob fools want you gone so they can get back to the way things were. But I know the truth: there's no going back. You've changed things... forever.

Batman: Where is Dent?

The Joker: You have all these rules and you think they'll save you.

Lt. James Gordon: [Batman slams the Joker against a wall] He's in control.

Batman: I have one rule.

The Joker: Oh, then that's the rule you'll have to break to know the truth.

Batman: Which is?

The Joker: The only sensible way to live in this world is without rules.

[mimicking Batman's voice]

The Joker: And tonight you're gonna break your one rule!

Batman: I'm considering it.

The Joker: Oh, there's only minutes left, so you're gonna have to play my little game if you want to save one of them.

Batman: [softly, fearful] Them?

The Joker: You know for a while there, I thought you really were Dent. The way you threw yourself after her!

Commissioner Gillian B. Loeb: [regarding The Joker's threat on his life] You're unlikely to discover this for yourself, so take my word, the police commissioner gets a lot of threats. I found the appropriate response to these situations a long time ago.

[pulls out a bottle of whiskey and glass]

Lt. James Gordon: [to The Joker] We got you, you son of a bitch!

The Joker: I had a vision, of a world without Batman. The mob ground out a little profit and the police tried to shut them down, one block at a time. And it was so... boring. I've had a change of heart. I don't want Mr. Reese spoiling everything, but why should I have all the fun? Let's give someone else a chance. If Coleman Reese isn't dead in sixty minutes then I blow up a hospital.

The Joker: Are you the real Batman?

Brian: No.

The Joker: No? Then why do you dress like him?

Brian: He's a symbol... that we don't have to be afraid of scum like you.

The Joker: Yeah, you do, Brian. You *really* do!

The Joker: We made it!

The Joker: Tell your men they work for me now. This is my city.

The Chechen: They won't work for a freak...

The Joker: [mocking his accent] A freak...

[pulls out his switchblade and tosses it to some goons, who grab the Chechen]

The Joker: Why don't we cut you up into little pieces and feed you to your pooches? Hmm? And then we'll see how loyal a hungry dog really is. It's not about money... it's about sending a message. Everything burns!

Lt. James Gordon: Harvey Dent never made it home.

The Joker: Of course not.

Lt. James Gordon: What have you done with him?

The Joker: Me? I was right here.

[holds up his arms in handcuffs]

The Joker: Who did you leave him with? Your people? Assuming, of course, they are still *your* people, and not Maroni's. Does it depress you, commissioner? To know just how alone you really are? Does it make you feel responsible for Harvey Dent's current predicament?

Lt. James Gordon: Where is he?

The Joker: What's the time?

Lt. James Gordon: What difference does that make?

The Joker: Well, depending on the time, he may in one spot, or several.

Lt. James Gordon: If we're gonna play games...

[takes off Joker's handcuffs]

Lt. James Gordon: I'm gonna need a cup of coffee.

The Joker: Ah, the good cop, bad cop routine?

Lt. James Gordon: Not exactly.

[During a bank heist, the Joker has tricked all his men into killing each other, one after the other. One of the last ones, getting wise, points his gun at another thug, who still has his mask on]

Grumpy: I'm betting The Joker told you to kill me soon as we loaded the cash.

Bozo: No. No, no, no. I kill the bus driver.

Grumpy: [confused] Bus driver? What bus dri-?

[a school bus drives through the wall and kills Grumpy]

Lt. James Gordon: Dent is in there with them! We have to save Dent! *I* have to save Dent!

The Joker: [to the mob after performing his "magic trick"] Oh, and by the way, the suit, it wasn't cheap. You oughta know, you bought it.

Lt. James Gordon: [speaking to Harvey Dent] If I didn't work with cops you investigated while you were making your name at I.A. I'd be working alone. I don't get political points for being an idealist, I have to do the best I can with what I have.

Bruce Wayne: I need a new suit.

Lucius Fox: Yeah, three buttons is a little '90's, Mr. Wayne.

Bruce Wayne: I'm not talking fashion, Mr. Fox, so much as function.

[hands him a diagram]

Lucius Fox: You want to be able to turn your head.

Bruce Wayne: Sure would make backing out of the driveway easier.

The Chechen: Who's stupid enough to steal from us?

Salvatore Maroni: Some two-bit whack-job. Wears a cheap purple suit and make-up. He's not the problem. He's a nobody.

Bruce Wayne: How will it hold up against dogs?

Lucius Fox: We talking Rottweilers or Chihuahuas? Should do fine against cats.

Salvatore Maroni: I thought the D.A. just played golf with the mayor, things like that?

Harvey Dent: Tee off's one-thirty, more than enough time to put you away for life, Sally.

Lt. James Gordon: It's a shame Sal's going to walk.

Harvey Dent: Yeah, well, the good thing about the mob is they keep giving you second chances.

Bruce Wayne: You look tired, Alfred. You'll be all right without me?

Alfred Pennyworth: [looking at all the sunbathing women] You can tell me the Russian for, "Apply your own bloody suntan lotion."

Gambol: [to The Joker] Give me one reason why I shouldn't have my boy here pull your head off.

The Joker: How about a magic trick?

[pulls out a pencil and sticks it upright into the table]

The Joker: I'm gonna make this pencil disappear.

[Gambol's thug walks over to kill The Joker, who slams his face into the pencil and kills him]

The Joker: Ta-daa! It's... it's gone.

[SPOILER: The Joker has rigged two ferries to explode, one filled with prison inmates, one with ordinary people, giving each ferry one detonator and telling them they have to blow up the other, or he'll blow up both. A prisoner approaches the warden, who's holding the detonator]

Tattooed Prisoner: You don't want to die, but you don't know how to take a life. Give it to me; these men would kill you, and take it anyway. Give it to me. You can tell 'em I took it by force. Give it to me, and I'll do what you shoulda did ten minutes ago.

[Scared, the warden hands over the detonator. The prisoner looks at it, then throws it out the window]

Det. Ramirez: [regarding CCTV photos of The Joker's bank heist] He can't resist showing us his face.

Lt. James Gordon: What's he hiding under that make-up?

Detective Murphy: Look at these ugly bastards.

Fat Thug: I don't feel good.

Detective Murphy: You're a cop-killer. You're lucky to be feeling anything below the neck.

Salvatore Maroni: [to Batman who is interrogating him about The Joker] No one's gonna tell you nothin'. They're wise to your act. You got rules. The Joker, he's got no rules. No one's gonna cross him to you. You want this guy, you got one way. But you already know what that is. Just take off that mask and let him come find you. Or you gonna let a couple more people get killed while you make your mind?

Batman: What happened to Rachel wasn't chance. We decided to act! We three!

Two-Face: Then why was it me who was the only one who lost everything?

Batman: It wasn't.

Two-Face: The Joker chose ME!

Batman: Because you were the best of us! He wanted to prove that even someone as good as you could fall.

Two-Face: [bitter] And he was right.

[Gordon and the police arrive to arrest Maroni]

Salvatore Maroni: You sure you wanna embarrass me in front of my friends, Lieutenant?

Lt. James Gordon: Oh, don't worry. They're coming too.

The Joker: [to Batman] I wanted to see what you'd do. And you didn't disappoint... You let five people die. Then, you let Dent take your place. Even to a guy like me, that's cold...

Harvey Dent: You can *not* leave me alone with these people.

Rachel Dawes: The whole mob's after you, and you're worried about *these* guys?

Harvey Dent: Yea, well, compared to *these* guys, the mob doesn't scare me.

Bruce Wayne: The bandit, in the forest in Burma, did you catch him?

Alfred Pennyworth: Yes.

Bruce Wayne: How?

Alfred Pennyworth: We burned the forest down.

Mike Engel: [kidnapped by the Joker, Engel is reading a prepared statement] "I'm Mike Engel for Gotham Tonight. What does it take to make you people join in? You failed to kill the lawyer. I've got to get you off the bench..."

The Joker: Bench...

Mike Engel: "And into the game."

The Joker: ...game.

Mike Engel: "Come nightfall, this city is mine..."

The Joker: Mine...

Mike Engel: "... and anyone left here plays by my rules."

The Joker: ...rules.

Mike Engel: "If you don't want to be in the game... get out now.

The Joker: ...get out now

Mike Engel: But the bridge and tunnel crowd are sure in for a surprise. Ha ha ha ha."

[Joker laughs]

Rachel Dawes: [letter to Bruce] Dear Bruce. I need to be honest and clear. I'm going to marry Harvey Dent. I love him, and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. When I told you that if Gotham no longer needed Batman we could be together, I meant it. But now I'm sure the day won't come when *you* no longer need Batman. I hope it does; and if it does I will be there, but as your friend. I'm sorry to let you down. If you lose your faith in me, please keep your faith in people. Love, now and always, Rachel.

Harvey Dent: Remember that name you all had for me when I was at Internal Affairs? What was it, Gordon?

Lt. James Gordon: Harvey, I...

Harvey Dent: Say it.

Two-Face: Say it!

Lt. James Gordon: Two-Face. Harvey Two-Face.

[Dent turns his head, showing Gordon the mutilated side of his face]

Harvey Dent: Why should I hide who I am?

The Joker: All you care about is money. This city deserves a better class of criminal. And I'm gonna give it to them!

[while Grumpy overpowers two of the tellers in the bank, Happy and Dopey wait for the silent alarm to come]

Dopey: Here comes the silent alarm...

[disables it by pressing a button]

Dopey: And there it goes.

[pause]

Dopey: That's funny, it didn't dial out to 9-1-1. It was trying to reach a private number.

Happy: Is it a problem?

Dopey: Nah, I'm done here.

[Happy shoots him with a silenced Beretta 92SB-C, then takes his bag and runs down into the vault]

[during the bank heist, Bozo subdues the terrified customers and employees by putting grenades in their hands and pulling the pins]

Grumpy: Obviously, we don't want you doing anything with your hands except hanging on for dear life!

[During the bank heist, the bank manager produces a shotgun and starts blasting away. Bozo and Grumpy dive for cover]

Gotham National Bank Manager: Do you have any idea who you're stealing from? You and your friends are dead!

Grumpy: He's out, right?

[Bozo thinks a moment, then nods. Grumpy stands and takes aim, only to take the manager's last round in his shoulder, allowing Bozo to shoot the manager in the leg]

Grumpy: Where did you learn to count?

[examining one of the gauntlets for his new and improved Batsuit, Bruce presses a button, and the spikes are launched across the room, narrowly missing Fox before they bury themselves in the wall]

Lucius Fox: Perhaps you should read the instructions first?

Bruce Wayne: [sheepish] Right.

[the Bat-Signal appears in the sky]

The Chechen: This is why we bring dogs!

[watching news of Lau's capture on the television]

The Chechen: Put word out, we hire the clown.

[the other mobsters look doubtful]

The Chechen: He was right. We have to fix real problem: Batman.

Batman: [about Lau] If I get him to you, can you get him to talk?

Harvey Dent: I'll get him to sing.

Lt. James Gordon: We're going after the mob's life savings. Things will get ugly.

Harvey Dent: I knew the risks when I took this job, Lieutenant.

[turns back to Batman]

Harvey Dent: How will you get him back any...

[Batman has disappeared]

Lt. James Gordon: He does that.

Batman: [as Joker is holding Rachel out a window] Let her go!

The Joker: [giving him a look] Very poor choice of words...

The Joker: [to Gambol's thugs, being held helpless by his own] Now, our operation is small, but there's a lot of potential for "aggressive" expansion. So, which one of you fine gentlemen would like to join our team? Oh, there's only one spot open right now, so we're gonna have...

[breaks pool cue over knee]

The Joker: Tryouts.

[throws broken pool cue at the thugs]

The Joker: Make it fast.

[Batman slams The Joker's head on a table]

The Joker: Never start with the head, the victim gets all fuzzy. He can't feel the next...

[Batman slams a fist down on Joker's hand]

The Joker: See?

Harvey Dent: Well, I guess no answer is a no.

Rachel Dawes: Harvey...

Harvey Dent: It's someone else, isn't it?

Rachel Dawes: Harvey...

Harvey Dent: Just tell me it's not Wayne, the guy's a complete...

[Bruce comes up behind him and grabs him in a chokehold]

Rachel Dawes: What are you doing?

Bruce Wayne: [as Harvey falls unconscious] They're coming for him!

The Joker: I just did what I do best. I took your little plan and I turned it on itself. Look what I did to this city with a few drums of gas and a couple of bullets. Hmmm? You know... You know what I've noticed? Nobody panics when things go "according to plan." Even if the plan is horrifying! If, tomorrow, I tell the press that, like, a gang banger will get shot, or a truckload of soldiers will be blown up, nobody panics, because it's all "part of the plan". But when I say that one little old mayor will die, well then everyone loses their minds!

[Joker hands Two-Face a gun and points it at himself]

The Joker: Introduce a little anarchy. Upset the established order, and everything becomes chaos. I'm an agent of chaos. Oh, and you know the thing about chaos? It's fair!

[still holding the gun, Two-Face pauses and takes out his coin]

Two-Face: [showing Joker the good side] You live.

The Joker: Mm-hmm.

Two-Face: [showing the scarred side] You die.

The Joker: Mmm, now we're talking.

The Joker: [to the Chechen] Tell your men they work for me now. This is my city.

The Chechen: They won't work... for a FREAK!

The Joker: [pulls out a knife] Freak? Why don't we cut you up into little pieces and feed you to your pooches, hmm? And then we'll see just how loyal a hungry dog REALLY is!

The Joker: [half to himself] It's not about money... its about sending a message.

The Joker: [dialing on a cell phone while a mountain of money burns behind him] Everything burns!

The Joker: Let's put a smile on that face!

[as the Batman wanna-bes attack the drug deal]

Scarecrow: That's not him.

[Mayhem ensues, with lots of gunfire]

The Chechen: Loose the dogs!

[after more fighting, the Batmobile crashes into the garage]

Scarecrow: That's more like it!

Happy: [after cracking open the bank's safe] They wired this thing up with, like, 5,000 volts. What kind of bank does that?

Grumpy: A mob bank. I guess the Joker is as crazy as they say. Where's the alarm guy?

Happy: Boss told me, when the guy was done, I should take him out. One less share, right?

Grumpy: Funny, he told me something similar.

Happy: What...?

[turns]

Happy: No, no, no-!

[Grumpy shoots him]

Alfred Pennyworth: [looks at the large gash on Bruce's arm] Did you get mauled by a tiger?

Bruce Wayne: [quietly] It was a dog.

Alfred Pennyworth: Huh?

Bruce Wayne: It was a big dog!

[pause]

Bruce Wayne: More copycats last night, Alfred, with guns.

Alfred Pennyworth: Why don't you hire them and take the weekend off?

Alfred Pennyworth: Will you be wanting the Batpod, sir?

Bruce Wayne: In the middle of the day, Alfred? Not very subtle.

Alfred Pennyworth: The Lamborghini, then.

[with deadpan sarcasm]

Alfred Pennyworth: Much more subtle.

Lucius Fox: No, I really came to tell you that our business deal has to be put on hold. You see, we can't afford to be seen to do business with whatever it is you're accused of being. I'm sure a businessman of your stature will understand.

Lau: I think, Mr. Fox, a simple phone call might have sufficed.

Lucius Fox: Mr. Wayne didn't want you to think that he was deliberately wasting your time.

Lau: Just accidentally wasting it.

Lucius Fox: That's very good, Mr. Lau. Accidentally. Very good.

Cop Heckler: No more dead cops!

Shotgun SWAT: That's not good!

[Police helicopter crashes into the road]

Shotgun SWAT: Okay, that's not good!

Two-Face: You thought we could be decent men, in an indecent time! But you were wrong. The world is cruel, and the only morality in a cruel world is chance. Unbiased, unprejudiced... fair. His son's got the same chance she had. Fifty-fifty.

Batman: What happened to Rachel wasn't chance. We decided to act. We three.

Two-Face: Then why was it me who was the only one who lost everything?

Batman: [grieved] It wasn't...

Two-Face: Did she believe you?

Det. Ramirez: Yes.

Two-Face: Of course she did. Because she trusts you. Just like Rachel did.

Det. Ramirez: I didn't know what they were...

Two-Face: You didn't know what they were gonna do? You're the second cop to say that to me. What, *exactly*, did you think they were going to do?

Det. Ramirez: They got me early on, my mother's hospital bills, and I...

Two-Face: Don't!

Det. Ramirez: [crying] I'm sorry...

[Harvey flips the coin]

Two-Face: Live to fight another day, officer.

[He knocks her unconscious with the butt of his gun]

Natascha: But this is a democracy, Harvey...

Harvey Dent: When their enemies were at the gates, the Romans would suspend democracy and appoint one man to protect the city. It wasn't considered an honor, it was considered a public service.

Rachel Dawes: Harvey, the last man who they appointed the Republic was named Caesar and he never gave up his power.

Harvey Dent: Okay, fine. you either die a hero or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain.

[the Batpod emerges from an alleyway]

The Joker: Now there's a Batman!

Batman: Sometimes the truth isn't good enough, sometimes people deserve more. Sometimes people deserve to have their faith rewarded...

[Gordon meets his wife after he faked his death]

Lt. James Gordon: I'm sorry, I couldn't risk your safety...

[Gordon's wife slaps him and then embraces him]

[Rachel discovers Dent's coin is two-faced]

Rachel Dawes: [smiling sardonically] You make your own luck...

Harvey Dent: Lightly irradiated bills. Fancy stuff for a city cop. Have help?

Lt. James Gordon: We liase with various agencies.

Harvey Dent: Save it, Gordon. I want to meet him.

Commissioner Gillian B. Loeb: How'd they get my DNA?

Lt. James Gordon: Someone with access to your house or office must have lifted a tissue or a... glass.

[realizing as Loeb takes a sip of whiskey]

Lt. James Gordon: Wait, WAIT!

[Loeb chokes]

Batman: Because sometimes the truth isn't good enough.

[insert cut: Alfred burns the envelope from Rachel]

Batman: Sometimes, people deserve more.

Detective Wuertz: Listen, Dent, I swear to God I didn't know what they were gonna do to you.

Two-Face: That's funny...

[pulls out coin]

Two-Face: 'Cause I don't know what's gonna happen to you either.

Two-Face: The joker chose me!

Batman: Because you were the best of us. He wanted to prove that even someone as good as you could fall.

Two-Face: And he was right.

Batman: You're the one pointing the gun, Harvey. So point it at the people responsible.

Two-Face: Fair enough.

[to Batman]

Two-Face: You first.

[Flips the coin]

Two-Face: [Shoots Batman and points the gun at himself]

Two-Face: My turn.

Lucius Fox: [On the plan to capture Lau] Now, for high altitude jumps, you'll need oxygen and stabilizers; but I must say, compared to your usual requests, jumping out of an airplane is pretty straightforward.

Bruce Wayne: And what about getting back into the plane?

Lucius Fox: I'd recommend a good travel agent.

Bruce Wayne: Without it landing.

Lucius Fox: Now that's more like it. The CIA had a program back in the 60s for getting their people out of hotspots called Skyhook. We could look into that.

The Joker: [the Joker has Brain Douglas captured and is recording him] Tell them your name.

Brian: Brian... Douglas.

The Joker: Are you the real Batman?

Brian: No.

The Joker: No?

Brian: No.

The Joker: No? Then why do you dress up like him?

[grabs Brian's mask and dangles it in front of the camera]

The Joker: whooo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Brian: Because he's a symbol that we don't have to be afraid of scum like you.

The Joker: Oh you do, Brian. You really do. Yeah. Oh shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. So, you think Batman's made Gotham a better place? Hmm? Look at me. LOOK AT ME!

[turns camera to himself]

The Joker: You see? This is how crazy Batman's made Gotham! You want order in Gotham? Batman must take off his mask and turn himself in. Oh, and every day he doesn't, people will die. Starting tonight. I'm a man of my word.

[laughs]

[the night Gordon is shot, his wife opens her door and sees Stephens and Ramirez]

Barbara Gordon: [realizing why they've come] No!

Detective Stephens: I'm so sorry, Barbara...

Barbara Gordon: [pushing Jimmy away] Jimmy, go play with your sister, go ahead.

[Stephens hugs her as she sobs]

Detective Stephens: If there's anything I can do...

Barbara Gordon: [to Batman in the shadows] Are you up there? Are you? You brought this craziness on us! You did! You brought this on us...

Two-Face: [threatening Jimmy with a gun] Tell your boy it's going to be all right, Gordon. Lie, like I lied.

Lt. James Gordon: It's going to be all right, son.

[Two-Face flips the coin; Batman tackles him and they fall; the coin lands good-side up]

[after visiting the scarred Dent in the hospital, Gordon emerges and sees Maroni there, leaning on a cane]

Salvatore Maroni: This craziness... it's too much.

Lt. James Gordon: You should have thought of that before you let the clown out of the box.

[while fighting with Batman, Joker knocks him down and raises a knife]

The Joker: All the old familiar places...

Alfred Pennyworth: You spat in the faces of Gotham's worse criminals. Didn't you think there might be some casualties? Things were always going to get worse before they got better.

Rachel Dawes: Bruce... if you turn yourself in, they're not gonna let us be together.

Harvey Dent: Very well. Take the Batman into custody.

[everyone at the press conference looks confused]

Harvey Dent: I am the Batman.

The Joker: You can't rely on anybody these days, you gotta do everything yourself, don't we? But that's okay, I came prepared. It's a funny world we live in; speaking of which, you know how I got these scars?

Bruce Wayne: No, but I know how you got these.

Gambol's Bodyguard: Yo, Gambol, there's somebody here for you. They say they just killed the Joker.

Gambol's Bodyguard: They brought the body.

[a body bag is brought in and dropped on the table; Gambol unzips it, revealing Joker's face]

Gambol: So. For dead, that's 500...

The Joker: [sitting up and sticking a blade in Gambol's mouth] How 'bout alive?

[Joker's men hold the bodyguards]

The Joker: You wanna know how I got these scars? My father, was a drinker, and a fiend. And one night, he goes off crazier than usual. Mommy gets the kitchen knife to defend herself. He doesn't like that. Not. One. Bit. So, me watching, he takes the knife to her, laughing while he does it. He turns to me and says, "Why so serious?" Comes at me with the knife. "WHY SO SERIOUS?" He sticks the blade in my mouth... "Let's put a smile on that face." And...

[glancing at thug]

The Joker: Why so serious?

[kills Gambol]

The Joker: Don't talk like one of them, you're not! Even if you'd like to be. To them, you're just a freak, like me. They need you right now. But when they don't, they'll cast you out, like a leper. See, their morals, their code... it's a bad joke. Dropped at the first sign of trouble. They're only as good as the world allows them to be. I'll show you, when the chips are down, these... these civilized people? They'll eat each other. See, I'm not a monster, I'm just ahead of the curve.

Batman: [grabs Joker] Where's Dent?

The Joker: You have all these rules and you think they'll save you!

Lt. James Gordon: [as Batman slams Joker into the wall] He's in control.

Batman: I have one rule.

The Joker: Oh, then that's the rule you'll have to break to know the truth.

Batman: [getting impatient] Which is?

The Joker: The only sensible way to live in this world is without rules.

[mimicking Batman's voice]

The Joker: And tonight you're gonna break your one rule.

Batman: I'm considering it.

The Joker: Oh, there's only minutes left, so you're gonna have to play my little game if you wanna save one of them.

Batman: [softly, fearful] Them?

The Joker: You know for awhile there, I thought you really were Dent. The way you threw yourself after her.

[Joker laughs, Batman throws Joker on table, barricades door]

The Joker: Look at you go! Does Harvey know about you and his little bunny?

Batman: [slams Joker into mirror] Where are they?

The Joker: Killing is making a choice.

Batman: [punches Joker] Where are they?

The Joker: Choose between one life or the other. Your friend, the district attorney, or his blushing bride-to-be...

[punches Joker]

The Joker: [laughs] You have nothing, nothing to threaten me with! Nothing to do with all your strength!

[grabs Joker]

The Joker: Don't worry, I'm gonna tell you where they are. Both of them. And that's the point. You'll have to choose. He's at 250 52ND Street and she's on Avenue X, at Cicero.

[Batman slams The Joker's head on the table]

The Joker: Never start with the head. The victim gets all fuzzy. He can't feel the next...

[Batman punches the Joker's hand. The Joker pauses for a moment waiting for it to hurt]

The Joker: See?

Batman: You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain. I can do those things. Because I'm not a hero, not like Dent. I killed those people. That's what I can be.

Lt. James Gordon: No, no, you can't! You're *not*!

Batman: I'm whatever Gotham needs me to be.

[cut to Gordon at Dent's funeral]

Lt. James Gordon: A hero. Not the hero we deserved but the hero we needed. Nothing less than a knight. Shining.

[Gordon is shown on top of Gotham Central. An axe is in his hand. He is being watched by an assortment of reporters and police officers. The next lines are heard in voiceover]

Lt. James Gordon: They'll hunt you.

Batman: You'll hunt me. You'll condemn me. Set the dogs on me.

[Gordon takes the axe to the bat light]

Batman: Because that's what needs to happen.

Batman: [Alfred is shown burning the note from Rachel] Because sometimes the truth isn't good enough. Sometimes people deserve more.

[We see Lucius Fox type his name into the sonar machine. The machinery around him sparks and the sonar screen fades out. Lucius smiles and walks away]

Batman: Sometimes people deserve to have their faith rewarded.

[repeated line]

The Joker: Why so serious?

The Joker: You know. I don't want there to be any hard feelings between us, Harvey. When you and, uh...

Harvey Dent: Rachel!

The Joker: Rachel were being abducted. I was sitting in Gordon's cage. Now, *I* didn't rig those charges.

Harvey Dent: Your men. Your plan.

The Joker: Do I really look like a guy with a plan? You know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! You know, I just... *do* things.

The Joker: [Is about to unmask the unconscious Batman but Gordon suddenly points a gun to his head] Arrrgh! Could you *please* just give me a minute?

Scarecrow: Buyer beware. I told you my compound would take you places. I never said they were places you wanted to go!

Harvey Dent: [on TV] I don't know about Mr. Lau's travel arrangements, but I'm sure glad he's here.

The Chechen: I put word out. We hire the clown.

[looks at the others]

The Chechen: He was right. We have to fix real problems: Batman.

[They don't see Gordon enter]

Lt. James Gordon: Ah our boy looks good on the tube.

Salvatore Maroni: You sure you want to embarrass me in front of my friends, Lieutenant?

Lt. James Gordon: Don't worry. They're coming too.

[Other cops enter and arrest the mobsters in the restaurant. Cuts to various locations in Gotham City, as the police do a massive round up of the mobsters in town. We see Stephens loading one thug into a police car, underneath an 'L' line, saying]

Detective Stephens: Have a nice trip. See you next fall.

[cuts to a courtroom, where Judge Surillo is reading the massive charges]

Judge Surrillo: 747 counts of extortion, 849 counts of racketeering, 246 counts of fraud, 87 counts of conspiracy to murder...

[as she flips through the documents, she finds a Joker playing card]

Judge Surrillo: ... 527 counts of obstruction of justice. How do the defendants plead?

[a massive army of defense lawyers start jostling and yelling all at once. The stenographer looks up, confused]

Judge Surrillo: Order! Order in the court!

[cut to the Mayor's office, where the Mayor is berating Harvey for his actions. Gordon and Commissioner Loeb are also present]

Mayor Anthony Garcia: 549 criminals at once. How did you convince Surillo to hear this farce?

Harvey Dent: She shares my enthusiasm for justice. After all, she is a judge.

Mayor Anthony Garcia: Well even if you're able to blow enough smoke to get convictions out of Surillo, you're going to set a new record at appeals for quickest kick in the ass.

Harvey Dent: It won't matter. The head guys make bail, sure... but the mid-level guys, they can't, and they can't afford to be off the streets long enough for trial and appeal. They'll cut deals that include *some* jail time. Think of all you could do with 18 months of clean streets.

[the Mayor waves Gordon and Commissioner Loeb out]

Mayor Anthony Garcia: The public likes you, Dent. That's the *only* reason this might fly. But that means it's on you. They're all coming after you now. Not just the mob: politicians, journalists, cops. Anyone whose wallet's about to get lighter. Are you up to it?

[Dent smiles]

Mayor Anthony Garcia: You better be. They get anything back on you, those criminals will be back on the streets...

[he walks over to the window and looks out]

Mayor Anthony Garcia: Followed swiftly by you and me.

[a dead Batman wanna-be in Joker makeup, with the sides of his mouth sliced into a grin, bangs into the window, causing the mayor to jump. Police lower the dead body, which is hanging from a noose, and they find a Joker card that says "WILL THE REAL BATMAN PLEASE STAND UP?"]

Grumpy: That's a lot of money. If this Joker guy was so smart, he'd have had us bring a bigger car.

[promptly draws his gun and points it a Bozo]

Grumpy: I'm bettin' the Joker told you to kill me as soon as we loaded the cash.

Bozo: [looks at his watch, checking it. He sighs] No, no no no. I kill the bus driver.

Grumpy: [as Bozo moves a few paces to one side] Bus driver? What bus driver?

[a yellow school bus reverses through the bank's doors and knocks Grumpy down. The driver jumps out]

Bus Driver: School's out! Time to go!

[laughs]

Bus Driver: Cat's not gettin' up, is he?

[loading duffels]

Bus Driver: That's a lot of money. What happened to the rest of the guys?

[Bozo casually shoots the bus driver dead, then picks up the last duffel and throws it into the bus. Bozo prepares to climb in]

Gotham National Bank Manager: Think you're smart, huh? The guy that hired youze, he'll just do the same to you. Oh, criminals in this town used to believe in things. Honor. Respect. Look at you! What do you believe in, huh? WHAT DO YOU BELIEVE IN?

Bozo: [putting a gas grenade in the banker's mouth] I believe, whatever doesn't kill you, simply makes you...

[takes off his mask revealing the face of the Joker]

The Joker: ...stranger.

Bruce Wayne: ...Because sometimes truth isn't good enough. Sometimes people deserve more.

[first lines]

Grumpy: [with Chuckles, picks up Bozo on the street] Three of a kind, let's do this!

Chuckles: Huh, that's it? Three guys?

Grumpy: Plus two guys on the roof. Every guy gets a share. Five shares is plenty.

Chuckles: *Six* shares. Don't forget the guy who planned the job.

Grumpy: He thinks he can sit it out and still take a slice? I know why they call him "The Joker".

Happy: [up on the roof, breaking open the alarm box with Dopey] So why do they call him "the Joker"?

Dopey: I hear he wears makeup.

Happy: Makeup?

Happy: Yeah, to scare people. You know, war paint.

Grumpy: [On the street, Bozo, Grumpy and Chuckles get out of their car and run inside the bank. Grumpy fires off a round into the air to grab the attention of the customers and tellers] All right, everybody! Hands up, heads down!

[In the background, Chuckles overpowers one of the guards]

Grumpy: Let's put hands up, heads down!

[grabs a teller by his collar and pulls him over his desk]

Grumpy: Let's go, pal! I'm making a withdrawal here!

[He then points his gun at a female teller]

Grumpy: I said hands up!

Dopey: [waiting eagerly with Happy on the roof] Here comes the silent alarm...

[presses a button to disable it]

Dopey: ... and there it goes!

[Downstairs, Grumpy has managed to pull the female teller over the counter]

Dopey: That's funny. It didn't dial out to 911 - it was trying to reach a private number.

Happy: Is there a problem?

Dopey: Nah, nah. I'm done here.

[Happy shoots him, steals his bag, and rushes downstairs into the vault. In the lobby, Bozo is sticking gas grenades in the hostages' hands and pulling the pins]

Grumpy: Obviously we don't want you doing anything with your hands other than holding on to dear life!

The Joker: [talking about crashing the helicopter] Okay, rack 'em up. Rack 'em up, rack 'em up, rack 'em up.

The Joker: [Joker walks into a meeting with a slow, mockingly false laugh] And I thought MY jokes were bad.

Gambol: Give me one reason why I shouldn't have my boy here pull your head off.

The Joker: How about a magic trick?

[Joker pulls out a pencil and slams in into the table. After a brief struggle, Joker slams Gambol's thug's head into the pencil]

The Joker: TA-DA! It's... It's gone...! Oh, and, by the way, the suit, it wasn't cheap. You oughta know, you bought it.

The Chechen: [Gambol rises in anger] Sit. I want to hear proposition.

[Gambol sits]

The Joker: Let's wind the clocks back a year. These cops and lawyers wouldn't dare cross any of you. I mean, what happened? Did... did your balls drop off? Hmm? Ya see, a guy, like me...

Gambol: A freak.

The Joker: A guy, like me... Look. Listen... I know why you choose to have you little

[clears throat]

The Joker: group therapy sessions in broad daylight. I know why you're afraid to go out at night. The Batman. See Batman has shown Gotham your true colors. Unfortunately, Dent... He's just the beginning. And as for the television's, so-called, plan, Batman has no jurisdiction. He'll find him and make him SQUEAL! I know the squealers when I see them, and...

[points, accusingly at the monitor broadcasting Lau's face and Lau turns off the camera]

The Chechen: What do you propose?

The Joker: It's simple, we kill the Batman.

[everyone laughs]

Salvatore Maroni: If it's so simple, why haven't you done it already?

The Joker: If you're good at something, never do it for free.

The Chechen: How much you want?

The Joker: Uh... Half.

[everyone laughs]

Gambol: You're crazy.

The Joker: I'm not.

[slight mocking laughter]

The Joker: No, I'm not. If we don't deal with this now, soon, little, uh, Gambol here, won't be able to get a nickle for his grandma.

Gambol: [slams his hand on the table] ENOUGH FROM THE CLOWN!

[rushes to attack Joker]

The Joker: AH, ta ta ta taaa.

[opens his jacket to reveal several hand grenades with their pins connected to a string around his thumb]

The Joker: Let's not BLOW

[everyone gets up and moves away from Joker]

The Joker: this out of proportion.

Gambol: You think you can steal from us and just walk away?

The Joker: Yeah.

Gambol: I'm puttin' the word out. 500 grand for this clown dead. A million alive. So I can teach him some manners first.

The Joker: Alright, so, listen, why don't you gimme a call when you wanna start taking things a little more seriously. Here's my card.

[sets joker card on the table and walks toward the door, dangling the string tied to the grenade pins]

The Joker: If you are good at something, don't do it for free.

[last lines]

James Gordon Jr.: Batman? Batman! Why's he running dad?

Lt. James Gordon: Because we have to chase him.

Cop: Okay we're going in! Go, go! Move!

James Gordon Jr.: He didn't do anything wrong.

Lt. James Gordon: Because he's the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So we'll hunt him. Because he can take it. Because he's not our hero. He's a silent guardian. A watchful protector. A Dark Knight.

Batman: [to John Jones] And one other thing, I'm not sure what you are or where you come from. But my instincts tell me you're to be trusted. Make no mistake, I have a $70,000 sliver of a radioactive meteor to stop the one from Metropolis. All I need for you is a penny for a book of matches.

King Faraday: All of you remember today, there are no Democrats, no Replicans, no hawks, no doves. Just the naked simplicity of an absolute: Mankind's survival. Good luck to us all.

Superman: I see I have your attention. We face a threat big enough to wipe us off the Earth. And still we bicker about a mask or a uniform. My best friend is lying upstairs right now. She would have given her life for this country and I could hardly look her in the eye. America was founded on the notion that a person should be free to follow his or her own destiny. But we can't do that if we're living in fear of our own government. We need to reclaim this country for free men and women everywhere.

The Flash: What about your government friends?

King Faraday: That's a fair question. Superman's right! The persecution and paranoia have to stop. From here on, we work together as free Americans.

[Superman and Faraday shake hands]

Superman: I'm gonna fly now and recon this thing. When I get back, we'll work out a strategy. ARE YOU WITH ME?

[the crowd cheers]

Lois Lane: America's champion, Superman, went down in defeat several hours ago. An exhaustive search has found no sign of him. Here at the Cape, the greatest minds in the free world, are now working on a plan to stop this monster before it reaches the coast. We cannot panic. We cannot let our sense of loss...

[stops the broadcast and starts crying]

Wonder Woman: All of you, fight on! To the last breath FIGHT ON!

The Centre: You won't be able to do it. It is the CENTRE that holds, not you!

Green Lantern: I can. I can!

The Centre: You do not have the will!

Green Lantern: No? Watch!

The Flash: Sorry to interrupt. There's something I have to get off my chest. I've always used my power to help people. But now the government's on my tail, hunting me. You just saw what happened to John Wilson. America needs people like him. But where are they going to come from if the government keeps acting this way? As for me, I'm quitting, giving it up. Breaks my heart, but there are people I love. I don't want anything to happen to them. So good night, everybody. And good luck!

J'onn J'onzz: I though I could make a life for myself here among you humans. I didn't think I had a choice. But there is one now. There's too much hatred here, too much ignorance, too much mindless conformity. I'm leaving.

Batman: Have a nice trip. Some of us don't have that luxury.

Superman: This is what the government's afraid of, Diana, us acting like vigilantes.

Wonder Woman: I have to do what I think is right.

Superman: That's what the others said at first, remember? And now Batman's a fugitive, the Justice Society's retired, and Hourman's dead. No matter how much good we do, deep down, people are always going to be scared of us. Isn't that why you and I signed those loyalty oaths?

Wonder Woman: Take a look around, Kal. Oaths don't mean much around here. All I see is suffering and madness.

Superman: But...

Wonder Woman: There's the door, spaceman.

King Faraday: Come on, level with me.

J'onn J'onzz: Very well. I have looked into your mind, and by extension, your heart. You honestly believe that there will be a better day when all this won't be necessary. To find that in you, Mr. Faraday, has filled my heart with hope... And I have no place else to go.

Rick Flag: Jordan, listen to me, we have weapons on board!

Hal Jordan: What?

Rick Flag: In case the Martians turned out to be hostile. Nerve gas, germ bombs, even nuclear.

Hal Jordan: Doesn't matter, I can still land this thing.

[Flagg flips open a cover to reveal a button]

Hal Jordan: What's that?

Rick Flag: It's a self-destruct switch. I'm sorry,Jordan, but you knew the risks.

Hal Jordan: We've had an engine failure. I'm gonna glide her back.

King Faraday: Negative! It's too DANGEROUS! Where's Flagg?

Hal Jordan: Don't worry about him... or your WEAPONS! They'll *both* be okay.

Carol Ferris: Weapons?

[Carol slaps Faraday]

Carol Ferris: You son of a bitch!

Robin: [to Batman, about Superman] Wow, you really do know him!


	5. Chapter 4 An Unconventional Means

Superman: You must be Robin. I hear you're quite a detective.

Robin: Well, I try not to brag, but...

Batman: Have you finished your homework yet?

Robin: Uh... Right.

[Robin exits]

Superman: Hmm. New look, a sidekick. Do you mind if I ask?

Batman: As a matter of fact, I do. Let's just say I set out to scare criminals, not children.

Superman: Fair enough.

Hal Jordan: Listen to me! War... over! Finished!

[last lines]

John F. Kennedy: The pioneers gave up their safety, their comfort, and sometimes their lives to build our new west. They were determined to make the new world strong and free - an example to the world. Some would say that those struggles are all over. That all the horizons have been explored. That all the battles have been won. That there is no longer an American frontier. And we stand today on the edge of a new frontier. The frontier of unknown opportunities and perils. Beyond that frontier are uncharted areas of science. Unsolved problems of peace and war. Unconquered pockets of ignorance and prejudice. I'm asking each of you to be pioneers towards that New Frontier. My call is to the young in heart, regardless of age. Can we carry through in an age where we will witness not only new breakthroughs in weapons of destruction, but also a race for mastery of the sky and the rain, the ocean and the tides, the far side of space, and the inside of men's minds? All mankind waits upon out decision. A whole world waits to see what we shall do. And we cannot fail that trust, and we cannot fail to try.

[first lines]

The Centre: [narrating] Like all things on this hurtling sphere, I emerged from the molten center of creation. But mine has been a unique path. Isolated, I developed attributes beyond those of lesser beings. Then the sphere was struck by a vast celestial stone. Black chunks of death filled the skies and the world became a chaotic world of doom. Soon the sphere began to nurture new kinds of life. And there was one that stood above the rest. Its fragile shell belied its vicious nature. And in what seemed like a heartbeat, these things proliferated in both number and destructive needs. Now they have harnessed the most destructive force. And I, The Centre, have concluded that the sphere must be cleansed of them.

Ace Morgan: Some way to end a war, huh, kid? Nobody wins, nobody loses.

Hal Jordan: Long as it's over, Ace. I got plans.

Ace Morgan: Right. I forgot. You're gonna be a space ranger.

Hal Jordan: The proper term is "test pilot", funny man. I'm gonna see the stars close up.

Abin Sur: I ordered my ring to find you. I had to find a deserving one. A man entirely without fear.

Hal Jordan: A lot of people think I'm a coward because of what happened in the war. Did your ring tell you about that?

Abin Sur: You are no coward, Hal Jordan. To you, all life is precious. And this ring is far too powerful to fall into the hands of someone who doesn't understand that.

J'onn J'onzz: The last time I appeared without warning in this form someone died of fright. Perhaps I should take a friendlier appearance.

King Faraday: Suit yourself.

[J'onntakes a Terran form, but retains his Martian appearance]

J'onn J'onzz: Well?

King Faraday: It's okay. But real men wear pants.

Barry Allen: [to Iris] You know who's going to be there? Superman, Wonder Woman, people like that. I'm just a guy who runs after jewelry thieves and talking gorillas.

Hal Jordan: A hole in the ground. Isn't that the wrong direction?

Carol Ferris: Sometimes you have to go through hell to get to heaven.

The Flash: [about the Green Lantern] That guy with the ring, he wasn't a part of the plan. Or wasn't I listening?

The Flash: Hey, Ace, what happened to that buddy of yours?

Ace Morgan: Hal Jordan? If I knew him, he's up there somewhere tear-assing around.

Aquaman: [returns Superman to the surface] I am Arthur of Atlantis. This one has been asking for a woman named Lois.

Captain Cold: [about to be speed-punched] WAIT!

[the Flash stops]

The Flash: Make it quick!

Captain Cold: I took precautions in case you'd drop by. If you so much as touch me, you'll trigger six cryogenic bombs I've hidden around the city. And they'll go off in ninety seconds anyway, unless you find them! So, it's your choice now: ME, or the City and everyone in it. 89... 88...

The Flash: Don't EVER mess with my Iris!

[Batman attempts to rescue a young boy, who recoils at Batman]

J'onn J'onzz: [to Batman] Back off, you're scaring the boy!

Batman: Welcome home, Mr J'onzz.

J'onn J'onzz: Why didn't you backhand me as you did the others?

Batman: That's my secret.

Static: I put a shock to your system!

Virgil: What's all this for?

Sharon: It's for mom's memorial. You are going to make the speech aren't you?

Virgil: No! I don't want to do it.

Sharon: Virgil! You have to do it.

Virgil: It's like I don't exist. Nobody asked me if I wanted to do it.

Robert Hawkins: Virgil?

Virgil: Dad.

Robert Hawkins: I'm sorry son. I thought you had come to terms with your mother.

Virgil: Pops please don't make me do it.

Robert Hawkins: Son! You know that I would never force you to do anything that you don't want to do. But if not for me then do it for your mother.

[Static regains consciousness in the Batcave as Alfred is picking splinters out of his arm]

Static: *Ow* What happened?... *Ow* Where am I?... Who are you?

Alfred: Batman.

Static: I don't think so.

Alfred: Just once, I'd like to get someone to believe that.

Static: Gear, you okay, bro?

Gear: No! My one chance to tag team with Superman and I miss it because I bust my ankle!

[Superman looks at Gear's ankle with his x-ray vision]

Superman: Nothing's broken. Looks like just a bad sprain. You'll probably have to keep off it for a few days.

Gear: Wow, I just had my ankle x-rayed by Superman! I'm never gonna wash it again!

[Static fights an army of giant mechanical clowns]

Static: This clown posse really IS insane!

Sharon: Come on Virgil we're running late. Virgil Albert Hawkins get out here now.

Virgil: Sharon. My name is never to be spoken aloud. You know that.

Static Shock: Hey Chief! Seen any good TV lately?

Batman: How are you, Virgil?

Virgil: Wait? How did you know my name?

Batman: You probably shouldn't carry around your ID in your pocket.

Adam: This is not the way to go about it Static.

Static Shock: I've got to find Puff! She's the reason why Daisy got hurt.

Rubberband Man: She got hurt because you were busy showing off and you know it.

Talon: It's too bad it has to be this way Robin. You and I are birds of a feather.

Robin: [hogties Talon] I cannot begin to tell you how many times I've heard that joke.

Lil' Romeo: [Lil' Romeo has been captured by Leech, who thought he was Static] Back off! Mess with me, you have to mess with my posse.

Leech: Do you really think I'm afraid of some street gang?

Lil' Romeo: Street gang? Dawg, I'm talkin' about my lawyers.

Freida Goren: Look, it's Static and Gear.

Daisy Watkins: And, as usual, Virgil and Richie are nowhere in sight.

[pause]

Daisy Watkins: You don't think...

Freida Goren: No, it couldn't be.

Richie Foley: [as they're trying to stop a damaged plane, falling out of the sky] I'm gonna try to land on Woodward Avenue.

Static: There are cars down there.

Richie Foley: I know. This thing got a horn?

Static: [to Hotstreak] I'd get a refund on those Anger management classes if I were you.

Static: I don't believe we've been introduced.

Omnifarious: Omnifarious.

Static: You're nefarious?

Omnifarious: Omnifarious! It's my name! It means many forms.

Static: Dude, I go to public school. Latin's an elective.

Virgil: [to Gear] Oh, shoot, I forgot about Daisy. We were going to have a study date.

Daisy: [sitting at a resturaunt table by herself] Ugh. What made me think he'd ever change?

Virgil: Yo, bro! What's that? Plans for a particle accelerator?

Richie: [sighs] Yeah.

Virgil: [blinks] I was kidding!

Chapter 1: The Boy in the Iceberg

Katara: [voiceover]Water, Earth, Fire, Air. My grandmother used to tell me stories about the old days, a time of peace when the Avatar kept balance between the Water Tribes, Earth Kingdom, Fire Nation, and Air Nomads. But that all changed when the Fire Nation attacked. Only the Avatar mastered all four elements. Only he could stop the ruthless firebenders. But when the world needed him most, he vanished. A hundred years have passed and the Fire Nation is nearing victory in the war. Two years ago, my father and the men of my tribe journeyed to the Earth Kingdom to help fight against the Fire Nation, leaving me and my brother to look after our tribe. Some people believe that the Avatar was never reborn into the Air Nomads and that the cycle is broken, but I haven't lost hope. I still believe that somehow the Avatar will return to save the world.

Sokka: It`s not getting away from me this time! Watch and learn, Katara. This is how you catch a fish!

Katara: ...! Sokka ... look!

Zuko: I don't want any tea! I need to capture the Avatar!

Aang: This is Appa, my flying bison.

Sokka (sarcastically): Right, and this is Katara, my flying sister.

Aang: [to Katara] Come... closer... closer... Will you go penguin sledding with me?

Aang: (to Katara) If you want to be a bender, you have to let go of fear.

Sokka: (to Aang, who is playing around) Stop! Stop it right now! What's wrong with you? We don't have time for fun and games with the war going on.

Aang: War? What war?

Chapter 2: The Avatar Returns

Zuko: I've spent years preparing for this encounter. Training, meditating...you're just a child!

Aang: Well, you're just a teenager.

Iroh: Good news for the Fire Lord. The nation's greatest threat is just a little kid.

Sokka: (to himself as he chops at the ice holding his feet down) I'm just a guy with a boomerang. I didn't ask for all this flying and magic.

Chapter 3: The Southern Air Temple

Iroh: So this is how the great Commander Zhao acts in defeat? Disgraceful. Even in exile, my nephew is more honorable than you. Thanks again for the tea. It was delicious. [Iroh and Zuko leave]

Zuko: Did you really mean that, Uncle?

Iroh: Of course. I told you ginseng tea is my favorite.

Katara:Aang? Before we get to the temple, I want to talk to you about the airbenders.

Aang: What about 'em?

Katara: Well, I just want you to be prepared for what you might see. The Fire Nation is ruthless. They killed my mother and they could have done the same to your people.

Aang: Just because no one has seen an airbender doesn't mean the Fire Nation killed them all... They probably escaped.

Katara: I know it's hard to accept.

Aang: You don't understand, Katara. The only way to get to an airbender temple is on a flying bison, and I doubt the Fire Nation has any flying bison.

Aang: This whole Avatar thing... maybe the monks made a mistake.

Gyatso: The only mistake they made was telling you before you turned sixteen. But we can't concern ourselves with what was. We must act on what is.

Aang: But Gyatso, how do I know if I'm ready for this?

Gyatso: Your questions will be answered when you are old enough to enter the Air Temple sanctuary. Inside you will meet someone who will guide you on your journey.

Aang: (really happy) Who is it?

Gyatso: When you are ready he will reveal himself to you.

Chapter 4: The Warriors of Kyoshi

Zuko: [Studying a map detailing reported Avatar sightings scattered around] How am I going to find the Avatar, Uncle? He is clearly a master of evasive maneuvering.

[Cut to Sokka, looking at a similar map, which is blank]

Sokka: [to Aang] You have no idea where you're going, do you?

Aang: No but I know it's near water [zooms out to show the ocean below]

Sokka: We must be getting close, then.

Katara: What does me being a girl have to do with sewing?

Sokka: Simple: girls are better at fixing pants than guys, and guys are better at hunting and fighting and stuff like that. It's just the natural order of things.

Katara: [with exaggerated happiness] All done with your pants! [throws them, they hit Sokka in the head] And look what a great job I did!

Sokka: Wait! I can't wear this! Katara! [sticks his hand through the hole in his pants]

Aang: Relax, Sokka. Where we're going, you won't need any pants!

Sokka: [straining at his bonds] Who are you? Where are the men who ambushed us?

Suki: There were no men. We ambushed you. Now tell us, who are you and what are you doing here?

Sokka: Wait! There's no way a bunch of girls took us down.

Suki: A bunch of girls, huh? The unagi's gonna eat well tonight.

Katara: No, don't hurt him! He didn't mean it. My brother is just an idiot sometimes.

Katara: He's just upset because a bunch of girls kicked his butt yesterday.

Sokka: They snuck up on me!

Katara: Right. And then they kicked your butt.

Sokka: [feeling proud to wear the Kyoshi uniform] Bravery and Honor.

[Aang passes by and pops his head at the door]

Aang: Hey Sokka! Nice dress!

Chapter 5: The King of Omashu

[Aang, Katara and Sokka walk toward Omashu's gate, but are stopped by the gate guards, one of which positions a rock over Aang's head]

Gate Guard: Halt! State your business here.

Aang: [runs up to the guard] [elderly voice] My business is my business young man and none of yours! I've got a good mind to put you over my knee and paddle your backside!

Gate Guard: Settle down, old timer. Just tell me who you are.

Aang: Name's Bonzu... Pippenpaddle-Oppsocopolis... the Third, and these are my grandkids.

Katara [now smiling serenely]: Hi, June Pippenpaddle-Oppsocopolis. Nice to meet you.

Gate Gaurd: [to Katara] You seem like a responsible young lady. See to it that your grandfather stays out of trouble. Enjoy Omashu.

[Aang, Katara and Sokka walk to the gate until the guard stops Sokka]

Gate Guard: [places a hand on Sokka's shoulder] Wait a minute... [Sokka becomes nervous] ...you're a strong young man. Show some respect for the elderly and carry your grandfather's bag!

Aang: Good idea! [throws Sokka his bag]

King Bumi: There's an airbender in our presence and not just any airbender, the Avatar! Now what do you have to say for yourself, Mr. Pippenpaddle-Oppsocopolis?!

Katara: You can't do this to us. Let us leave!

King Bumi: (holds up lettuce leaf) Lettuce leaf? (Chews lettuce outlandishly)

King Bumi: Tomorrow the Avatar will face three deadly challenges. But for now, the guards will show you to your chamber.

Guard: My liege, do you mean the good chamber, or the bad chamber?

King Bumi: The newly refurbished chamber.

Guard: Wait, which one are we talking about?

King Bumi: The one that used to be the bad chamber, until the recent refurbishing that is. Of course, we've been calling it the new chamber, but we really should number them. Uh, take them to the refurbished chamber that was once bad!

Chapter 6: Imprisoned

Katara: Earthbenders! You don't know me, but I know of you. Every child of my water tribe village was rocked to sleep with stories of the brave Earth Kingdom and the courageous earthbenders who guard its borders. Some of you may think that the Fire Nation has made you powerless. Yes, they have taken away your ability to bend, but they can't take away your courage and it is your courage they should truly fear! Because it runs deeper than any mine you've been forced to dig, any ocean that keeps you far from home. It is the strength of your hearts that make you who you are, hearts that will remain unbroken when all rock and stone has eroded away. The time to fight back is now! I can tell you the Avatar has returned! So remember your courage, earthbenders, let us fight for our freedom!

Warden: Tell me exactly what you saw.

Captain: Well, Sir, it looked like a flying bison.

Warden: A what?

Guard: It was a giant flying buffalo, Sir, with an empty saddle.

Warden: Which was it? A buffalo or a bison?

Captain: Uh, I'm not sure what the difference is, but that's not really the point is it, Sir?

Warden: [angry] I'll decide what the point is, fool!

[Warden throws the Captain over the railing. A scream trails off into nothing as a splash of water is heard. Cut back to the Warden and the remaining guard]

Warden: You! Wake up the Captain. Search the entire rig!

Guard: Sir?

Warden: What!?

Guard: That was the Captain you just threw overboard, sir. So…

Warden: Then wake up someone I haven't thrown overboard and search the rig! There's something going on here and I don't like it.

Tyro: For the Earth Kingdom, ATTACK!

Warden: No, please! I can't swim!

Tyro: Don't worry. I hear cowards float.

Chapter 7: Winter Solstice Part 1: The Spirit World

Zuko: [To a bathing Iroh] Enough. we need to leave now! Get out of the water.

Iroh: Very well. [stands up]

Zuko: [Looks away in horror and disgust] On second thought, why don't you take another few minutes?

Sokka: Yeah... We're all gonna get eaten by a spirit monster.

[After Aang calms the spirit of the forest, Sokka and other villagers are brought back]

Katara: Sokka!

[Katara runs to Sokka and hugs him]

Sokka: What happened?

Katara: You were in the spirit world for 24 hours. How do you feel?

Sokka: Like I seriously have to use the bathroom! [runs off]

Chapter 8: Winter Solstice Part 2: Avatar Roku

Iroh: Sailing into Fire Nation Waters... Of all the foolish things you've done in your 16 years, Prince Zuko, this is the most foolish!

Zuko: I have no choice, Uncle.

Iroh: Have you completely forgotten that the Fire Lord banished you! What if you are caught?

Zuko: I'm chasing the Avatar, my father will understand why I'm returning home.

Iroh: You give him too much credit. My brother is not the understanding type!

Katara: Sokka! You're a genius!

Aang: Wait. How is Sokka a genius? His plan didn't even work!

Sokka: Come on, Aang. Let her dream.

Katara: You're right, Sokka's plan didn't work. But it looks like it did.

Aang: Did the definition of 'genius' change in the last hundred years?

Roku: It's good to see you, Aang. [He smiles slightly] What took you so long?

Roku: Mastering the elements takes years of discipline and practise. But if the world is to survive, you must do it by summer's end.

Aang: What if I can't master all the elements in time? What if I fail?

Roku: I know you can do it, Aang, for you have done it before.

Chapter 9: The Waterbending Scroll

Aang: I know how to deal with these guys, Katara. Pirates love to haggle. Watch and learn. [walks over the Pirate Captain.] What say ye to the price of... one copper piece!

Pirate Captain: Hahaha! The price is 200 gold pieces. I don't haggle on items this rare.

Aang: Okay, two copper pieces!

Pirate Captain: It's not as amusing the second time, boy.

Sokka (to Katara after mensioning waterbending) : Yeah maybe we can find you a nice puddle to splash in. Sokka (looking at huge waterfall): Nice puddle

Iroh: (after diverting their ship to replace a lost game piece) I've checked all the shops on this pier. Not a lotus tile in the entire marketplace.

Zuko: It's good to know this trip was a complete waste of time for everyone!

Iroh: Quite the contrary. I always say, the only thing better than finding something you are looking for [crew members begin to walk past carrying Iroh's purchases] is finding something you weren't looking for at a great bargain!

Zuko: You bought a Tsunghi horn?

Iroh: For music night on the ship. Now, if we only had some woodwinds.

[Pirates capture Aang in net.]

Pirate: I got him, come on!

Sokka: Oh, what? I'm not good enough to kidnap?

[Pirates capture him in a net too.]

[Pirate Captain and Zuko are fighting]

Iroh: Are you so busy fighting you cannot see your own ship has set sail?

Zuko: We have no time for your proverbs, Uncle!

Iroh: It's no proverb. [Aang and others getting away in pirate ship]

Pirate Captain: Bleeding hog monkeys! [Zuko laughs; the pirates laugh as they drift after Aang and his friends]

Zuko: Hey! That's my boat! [runs after them]

Iroh: Maybe it should be a proverb.

Katara: Aang, I'm so sorry. This is all my fault.

Aang: No, Katara, it's not.

Iroh: Yeah, it kind of is.

Zuko: [charing up] Give me the boy.

Pirate Captain: You give us the scroll.

Sokka: You're really gonna hand over the Avatar for a stupid piece of parchment!?

Zuko: [about Sokka] Don't listen to him! He's trying to turn us against each other.

Pirate Captain: ([o Sokka about Aang] Your friend is the Avatar?

Sokka: Sure is, and I'll bet he'll fetch a lot more on the black market then that fancy scroll.

Zuko: Shut your mouth, you Water Tribe peasant!

Aang: [sternly] Yeah, Sokka. You really should shut your mouth...

Sokka: [still trying to con the priates] I'm just sayin', it's bad business sense. Just imagine how much the Fire Lord would pay for the Avatar. You guys would be set for life!

Zuko: Tell me where he is and I won't hurt you or your brother.

Katara: Go jump in the river! [Zuko pauses]

Zuko: Try to understand. I need to capture him to restore something I've lost. My honor. [Katara jerks her head away from Zuko] Perhaps in exchange, I can restore something you've lost.

Katara: My mother's necklace! How did you get that?!

Zuko: I didn't steal it if that's what you're wondering. Tell me where he is.

Katara: No!

Chapter 10: Jet

Sokka: Think about it. Somehow Prince Zuko and the Fire Nation keep finding us. It's because they spot Appa; he's just too noticeable.

Katara: What?! Appa's not too noticeable!

Sokka: (sarcastically) He's a gigantic fluffy monster with an arrow on his head! It's kinda hard to miss him!

[Appa angrily bellows]

Aang: [soothing Appa] Sokka's just jealous 'cause he doesn't have an arrow.

Katara: [sarcastically] Okay, we'll try it your way, O' Wise Leader.

Aang: Who knows? Walking might be fun! [Later] Walking stinks!

[Aang complains about walking]

Katara: [mockingly] Well, I don't know, Aang. Why don't you ask Sokka's instincts? They seem to know everything!

Sokka: [sarcastically] Ha ha, very funny.

Aang: I'm tired of carrying this pack.

Katara: You know who you should ask to carry it for awhile? Sokka's instincts!

Aang: Hey, that's a great idea! Hey! Sokka's instincts! Would you mind-?

Katara: Jet, you monster!

[Katara stares romanticly at Jet as they assend to Jet's hideout]

Aang: (swinging on a rope with Momo on top of him) Nice place ya got!

[Katara and Jet stare down into the forest]

Katara: It's beautiful up here!

Jet: It's beautiful, and more importantly, the Fire Nation can't find us.

Aang: But we thought you were going to the dam. How come you went to the town insted?

Katara: Let me guess, Your instincts told you?

Sokka: Hey, sometimes they're right.

Aang: Uh, Sokka, you know we're going the wrong way right?

Sokka And sometimes they're wrong.

Chapter 11: The Great Divide

Katara: Sokka, you're supposed to put the tarp on top of the tent. You know, so we don't get rained on?

Sokka: Ordinarily you'd be right, but seeing as it's the dry season, you're not. Besides, that tarp makes a pretty warm blanket.

Katara: But what if it does rain?

Sokka: What if it doesn't? Then I would've put the tarp up for nothing.

Katara: Arrgh! You're infuriating!

Sokka: Katara, why don't you worry about gathering the firewood, cause that kindling's looking pretty sorry.

Katara: Well if you don't like my firewood...!

[throws twigs at Sokka]

Sokka: Fine by me! If you're not gonna do your job...!

[pulls down tent]

Aang: Okay, guys, I got the grub if you guys got the... Hey, where's the campfire? And what happened to the tent?

Sokka: Why don't you ask Miss Know-It-All, queen of the twigs.

Katara: Oh, yeah, well you're Mr. Lazy Bum, king of the.. [picks up a twig and throws it at Sokka] ..tents!

Aang: Harsh words won't solve problems, action will.

Sokka: That's some luck you knew Jin Wai and Wai Jin.

Aang: You could call it luck... Or you could call it lying.

Sokka: What?!

Aang: I made the whole thing up.

Katara: [shocked] You did not! [then, in devilish admiration] That is so wrong.

Chapter 12: The Storm

Zuko: I won't fight you.

Fire Lord Ozai: You will learn respect. And suffering will be your teacher.

[Zuko screams as Ozai firebends at him, causing the scar on his eye]

Sokka: I'm too young to die!

Fisherman: I'm not, but I still don't wanna!

Katara: You ran away.

Aang: [looking at Katara] And then the Fire Nation attacked our temple. My people needed me, and I wasn't there to help.

Katara: You don't know what would've...

Aang: The world needed me, and I wasn't there to help!

Katara: Aang?

Aang: The fisherman was right. I did turn my back on the world.

Katara: You're being too hard on yourself. Even if you did run away, I think it was meant to be. If you stayed, you would have been killed with all the other airbenders.

Aang: You don't know that.

Katara: I know it's meant to be this way. The world needs you now. You give people hope.

Katara: Maybe there's a bright side to all of this.

Aang: I did get to meet you!

Iroh: After the duel, the Fire Lord said that by refusing to duel, Zuko showed shameful weakness and so he was banished and sent to capture the Avatar.

Lt. Jee: So that's why he's so obsessed. Capturing the Avatar is his only chance he has of things returning to normal.

Iroh: Things will never return to normal, but the important thing is the Avatar gives Zuko hope.

Chapter 13: The Blue Spirit

Aang: [to the Herbalist] You're insane, aren't you?

The Herbalist: That's right!

[Katara starts coughing]

Aang: Oh no, not you too.

Katara: Relax, It was just a little cough. I'm fin-

[She coughs again]

Aang: That's how Sokka started. Now look at him! He thinks he's an Earthbender!

Sokka [delirious]: Take that, you rock!

Aang: [to Zuko]: You know what the worst part of being born over a hundred years ago is? I miss all the friends I used to hang out with. Before the war started, I used to always visit my friend Kuzon. The two of us, we'd get in and out of so much trouble together. He was one of the best friends I ever had, and he was from the Fire Nation just like you. If we knew each other back then, do you think we could have been friends too?

Zuko: [Screams while using firebending at Aang]

Chapter 14: The Fortuneteller

Katara puts on the necklace Aang made for her

Katara: [to Aang] So, how do I look?

Aang: [blushes] You mean all of you or just your neck? I mean, because both look great.

Sokka: You can't really tell the future.

Katara: I guess you're not really getting wet then.

[Platypus bear egg flies out of Sokka's hands]

Sokka: Ah ah aha ah ah [starts gibbering] Of course she predicted it was gonna rain. The sky's been gray all day!

Katara: Just admit you might be wrong and you can come under the umbrella.

Sokka: Look, I'm gonna predict the future now. It's going to keep drizzling. See?

[Rain stops and becomes sunny]

Aang: Not everyone has the gift, Sokka.

Aunt Wu: Your destiny...this is incredible! You will be involved in a great battle! An awesome conflict between the forces of good and evil! A battle whose outcome will determine the fate of the whole world!

Aang: Yeah, yeah, I knew that already. But did it say anything about a girl?

[The volcano rumbles and smolders in the distance]

Sokka: Look! Can your fortune telling explain that?

Villager: [scoffs] Can your science explain how it rains?

Sokka: Yes! Yes it can!

Aang: Hey, Katara.

Katara: Can you believe she won't let me in? And after all the business I've given her!

Aang: But she doesn't even charge.

Katara: I know, but still.

Sokka: I can't believe all these saps! Someone really needs to scream some sense into these people.

Aang: They seem happy, Sokka.

Sokka: Not for long. I'm gonna prove to them Aunt Wu's predictions are nonsense. (he turns to a villager) Hey, you! I bet Aunt Wu told you to wear those red slippers, right?

Villager: Yeah. She said I'd meet my true love wearing red slippers.

Sokka [slyly]: Uh-huh. And how many times have you worn those shoes since you got that fortune?

Villager: Every day.

Sokka [angrily]: THEN OF COURSE IT'S GONNA COME TRUE!

Villager [excitedly]: Really?! You think so?! I'm so excited!

Sokka: I DON'T CARE WHAT AUNT WU TOLD YOU! YOU HAVE TO TAKE A BATH SOME TIME!

Sokka: No offense, but I hope this has taught everyone a lesson about not relying too much on fortune telling.

Villager w/ hat: But Aunt Wu predicted the village wouldn't be destroyed, and it wasn't! She was right, after all.

[Sokka zooms forward]

Sokka: I hate you.

Chapter 15: Bato of the Water Tribe

Zuko: (pushing through a crowd) Out of my way! Step aside, filth!

Iroh: He means no offense! I'm certain you bathe regularly...

Zuko: I need to talk to you.

June: Well, if it isn't my new friends, Angry Boy and Uncle Lazy.

[Iroh laughs heartily for a moment.]

Zuko: (passing the Herbalist Institute) We're looking for someone.

Herbalist: I hope it's not Miyuki. (looks at her cat, Miyuki) Miyuki, did you get in trouble with the Fire Nation again? (meows)

Aunt Wu: Care to hear your fortune, handsome?

Iroh: At my age there is really only one big surprise left, and I'd just as soon leave it a mystery.

Zuko: (to Katara) Where is he? Where's the Avatar?

Sokka: We split up; he's long gone.

Zuko: How stupid do you think I am?

Sokka: Pretty stupid. RUN!

Sokka: (after being temporarily paralyzed) I'm starting to get some feeling back!

[A bunch of tiles fall on Sokka]

Sokka: Ow.

Zuko: (paralyzed) Uncle? I didn't see you get hit by the tongue.

Iroh: (holding a paralyzed June in his arms) Shhhh!

Chapter 16: The Deserter

Sokka: You want to walk into a Fire Nation town when they're all fired up with their, you know, fire?

Aang: Whoa! Wild shot!

Zhao: [roars with rage] I'll show you wild!

Aang: I don't know why, but I thought you'd be better than Zuko.

Aang: [having dodged a series of blasts from Zhao on several ships] You've lost this battle.

Zhao: [enraged disbelief] Are you crazy? You haven't thrown a single blow!

Aang: No, but you have [he gestures around, all the boats are on fire and sinking] Jeong Jeong said you had no restraint.

Katara heals the burn on Aang's arm

Aang: Wow, that's good water.

Jeong Jeong: Destiny? What would a boy know of destiny? If a fish lives its whole life in this river, does he know the river's destiny? No! Only that it runs on and on out of his control. He may follow where it flows, but he cannot see the end. He cannot imagine the ocean.

Jeong Jeong: Water brings healing and life. But fire brings only destruction and pain. It forces those of us burdened with its care to walk a razor's edge between humanity and savagery. Eventually, we are torn apart.

Jeong Jeong: To master the bending disciplines you must first master discipline itself, but you have no interest in this, so I have no interest in you.

Chapter 17: The Northern Air Temple

Aang: I laugh at gravity all the time. Hahaha, gravity...

(approaching the Northern Air Temple)

Katara: (to Sokka, excited) Do you think we'll really find airbenders?

Sokka: Do you want me to be like you or totally honest?

Katara: Are you saying I'm a liar?

Sokka: I'm saying you're an optimist. Same thing, basically.

Aang: (referring to a statue of a monk) It's nice to see one part of the temple that isn't ruined.

Mechanist: Look out! (A giant boulder swings through and destroys the statue)

Sokka: So then the question became, how do you keep a lid on hot air?

Katara: Awww, if we only knew.

(after finding the war balloon)

War Minister Qin: This defeat is the gateway to many victories.

Chapter 18: The Waterbending Master

Sokka: I'm not one to complain, but can't Appa fly any higher?

Aang: I've got an idea, why don't we all get on your back and you can fly us to the North Pole?

Sokka: [To Princess Yue] So, you're a princess? You know, back home I'm kind of like a prince.

Katara: [scoffs] Prince of what?!

Sokka: A LOT OF THINGS!

Katara: [sarcastically] My apologies, Prince Sokka.

Sokka to Yue: So it looks like I'm going to be in town for a while. I'm thinking maybe we could ... do an activity together?

Yue: Do an activity? *smiles at Sokka*

Sokka: *Stuffs his mouth with some food, swallows it, then coughs.*

Katara: *Smirking* Very smooth.

Katara: How's warrior training going?

(Sokka makes an angry noise and flops down on his bed)

Aang: That bad?

Sokka: No, it's Princess Yue. I don't get it; one minute she wants to go out with me, the next she's telling me to get lost! So, how's waterbending training?

(Katara makes an angry noise and flops down on her bed)

Aang: Master Poop-head won't teach her because she's a girl.

Sokka: Why don't you just teach her, Aang?

Katara: Why didn't I think of that? At night, you can teach me whatever moves you learned from Master Pakku. That way, you have someone to practice with and I get to learn waterbending. Everyone's happy!

Sokka: I'm not happy.

Katara: But you're never happy. Come on, Aang.

(after Princess Yue unexpectedly kisses him)

Sokka: Okay, now I'm really confused. Happy, but confused.

Chapter 19: The Siege of the North, Part I

Zhao: This will truly be one for the history books, General Iroh. Just think, centuries from now people will study the great Admiral Zhao, who destroyed the last of the Water Tribe Civilisation. You're lucky you're here to see it.

Iroh: Be careful what you wish for, Admiral. History is not always kind to its subjects.

Zhao: I suppose you speak from experience. But rest assured this will be nothing like your legendary failure at Ba Sing Se.

Iroh: [solemnly] I hope not, for your sake.

Sokka: (about who the commanding officer of the Fire Nation is) His name is Zhao. Middle aged. Big side-burns. Bigger temper.

Zuko: (to Katara) You rise with the moon. I rise with the sun.

Chapter 20: The Siege of the North, Part II

Hahn (to Admiral Zhao): Admiral Choi! Prepare to meet your fate. (Charges at Zhao and misses, falling to his apparent death)

Zuko (tossing Aang to the side): Here for a rematch?

Katara: Trust me, Zuko. It's not gonna be much of a match.

Zuko: [to an unconscious Aang] I finally have you. But I can't get you home because of this blizzard. There's always something. Not that you would understand. You're like my sister. Everything always came easy to her. She's a firebending prodigy and everyone adores her. My father says she was born lucky. He says I was lucky to be born. I don't need luck, though. I don't want it. I've always had to struggle and fight, and that's made me strong. It's made me who I am.

Koh: My old friend, the Avatar. It's been a long time.

Aang: You...know me?

Koh: Oh, how could I ever forget you? [Changes face to that of an angry-looking man.] ONE OF YOUR PREVIOUS INCARNATIONS TRIED TO SLAY ME! It was eight or nine-hundred years ago.

Aang: I didn't know that. Why did he...or I...try to kill you?

Koh: [Changes face to that of Ummi, Avatar Kuruk's wife.] Oh, it was something about stealing the face of someone you loved. [Changes face to that of a screaming baboon in an attempt to scare Aang.] HA HA HA! [It doesn't work and Koh keeps talking, bringing his fanged maw right up behind Aang's ear. ] Of course, that's all behind us. Why should I hold a grudge against you for something in a past life? After all, you're a different person now. You've come to me... with a new face.

Koh: It's been a long time since I've added a child's face to my collection. So, how may I help you?

Aang: I need to find the moon and the ocean.

Koh: Their spirit names are Tui and La - "push" and "pull". And that has been the nature of their relationship for all time.

Aang: Please, help me find them. An entire culture could be destroyed if I don't get their help.

Koh: Oh, you think you need their help? Actually, it's quite the other way round... SOMEONE'S GOING TO KILL THEM!

Aang: What do you mean? How can I find them and protect them?

Koh: You've already met them. Tui and La, the moon and ocean, have always circled each other in an eternal dance. They balance each other. Push and Pull. Life and Death. Good and Evil. Yin and Yang.

Aang: (remembering the fish in the Spirit Oasis) The Koi Fish! (Koh spins back to Aang, who quickly wipes the excitement off his face) I must be going now.

Koh: We'll meet again...

Aang: (as they are about to leave a KO'd Zuko in the snow) Wait. We can't just leave him here.

Sokka: Sure we can.(suddenly becomes very determined) Let's go.

Aang: No. If we leave him, he'll die. (goes to pick up the unresponsive Zuko)

Sokka: (mockingly, as they take off on Appa) Yeah, this makes a alot of sense. Let's bring the guy who's constantly trying to kill us!

Iroh: (as Zhao threatens the moon spirit) Whatever you do to that spirit, I'll unleash on you tenfold! Let it go now!

Firelord Ozai: (To Azula at the throneroom) Your uncle is a traitor, while your brother, Zuko, is a failure. I have a task for you.

Book 2: Earth

Chapter 1: The Avatar State

Master Pakku: (holding up an amulet) Katara, I want you to have this. This amulet contains water from the Spirit Oasis. The water has unique properties. Don't lose it.

Katara: (hugs him) Thank you, Master Pakku.

Master Pakku: Aang. (gives Aang some scrolls) These scrolls will help you master waterbending. But remember, they're no substitute for a real master. (glances at Katara)

(Aang bows and steps away)

Master Pakku: Sokka...

(Sokka steps forward eagerly)

Master Pakku: (pats Sokka on the shoulder dismissively) Take care, son.

(Sokka frowns and steps back)

(Sokka bangs General How on head with boomerang) Anybody got a problem with that?

"(They all shake their heads quickly.)

Iroh: Who knew floating on a piece of driftwood for three weeks with no food or water and sea vultures waiting to pluck out your liver could make one so tense!

Azula: Do the tides command this ship?

Fire Navy Ship Captain: I'm afraid I don't understand.

Azula: You said the tides would not allow us to bring the ship in. Do the tides command this ship?

Fire Navy Ship Captain: No, Princess.

Azula: And if I were to have you thrown overboard, would the tides think twice about smashing you against the rocky shore?

Fire Navy Ship Captain: No, Princess.

Azula: Well then, maybe you should worry less about the tides, who've already made up their mind about killing you, and worry more about me, who's still mulling it over.

Fire Navy Ship Captain: You heard the princess. Raise the anchors! We're taking the prisoners ho—

[Captain stops short, realizing his mistake.]

Azula: In my country, we exchange a pleasant hello before asking questions. Have you become uncivilized so soon, Zuzu?

Zuko: Don't call me that!

Sokka: (As Katara is sinking) Katara! No!

Zuko: You lied to me!

Azula: Like I haven't done that before.

Chapter 2: The Cave of Two Lovers

Katara: You make a fine octopus, Pupil Aang.

Sokka: Look, I hate to be the wet blanket here, but since Katara's busy, I guess it's up to me.

Katara: Is this real or a legend?

Chong: Oh, it's a real legend.

Chong: (singing) Two lovers, forbidden from one another, war divides their people, and the mountains divide them apart. Built a path to be together - (talking) Yeah, forget the next couple of lines but then it goes - (singing again, rocker style) SECRET TUNNEL! SECRET TUNNEL! Through the mountain! SECRET, SECRET, SECRET, SECRET TUNNEL! Yeah!

[everyone claps]

Chong: We don't need a map. ...We just need love.

Zuko: If the Earth Kingdom discovers us, they'll have us killed.

Iroh: But if the Fire Nation discovers us, we'll be turned over to Azula.

(Both look at one another and nod)

Zuko: Earth Kingdom it is.

(after a cave-in seperates Aang and Katara from the rest of the group, Sokka digs furiously at the rubble for a moment before giving up)

Chong: Yeah, it's no use. We're seperated. (holds up guitar) But at least you have us!

(Sokka wails in anguish and begins digging twice as hard)

Katara: I have a crazy idea...

Aang: What?

Katara: Never mind. It's too crazy.

Aang: Katara, what is it?

Katara: (looking away) I was thinking… the curse says we'll be trapped in here forever unless we trust in love.

Aang: Right.

Katara: And here it says "love is brightest in the dark" and...has a picture of them kissing...

Aang: (clueless) Where are you going with this?

Katara: Well...what if we kissed?

Aang: (shocked) Us kissing?!

Katara: See? It was a crazy idea.

Aang: Us...(dreamily) kissing.

Katara: (laughing) Us, kissing. What was I thinking? Can you imagine that?

Aang: Yeah.(laughs) I definitely wouldn't want to kiss you.

Katara: (slightly hurt) Well, I didn't realize it was such a horrible option! Sorry I suggested it!

Aang: No, I mean, if it was a choice between kissing you and dying-

Katara: (turning away from him)Ugh!

Aang: What?! I'm saying I'd rather kiss you than die! That's a compliment!

Katara: Well, I'm not sure which I'd rather do! (walks away)

Aang: (sadly)What is wrong with me?

Chong: Hey, I remember that line of the song! (Gets his banjo and stands in the front of the cave and sings) AND DIE!

(Sokka and Chong's group have been reunited with Aang and Katara outside the cave)

Katara: (to Sokka) Sokka, why is your forehead all red?

Chong: (to Katara and Sokka) Nobody react to what I'm about to tell you... (points to Aang in the background) I think that kid might be the Avatar!

Sokka: (slaps forehead, red mark gets bigger)

Chapter 3: Return to Omashu

Ty Lee: But I'm happy here, my aura has never been pinker!

Azula: (cocking an eyebrow) I'll take your word for it.

Mai: I thought you ran off and joined the circus? You said it was your calling.

Ty Lee: Well, Azula called a little louder.

Sokka: No! Bad Fire Nation baby!

Mai: (to Azula) Please tell me you're here to kill me.

Mai: [About Omashu.] There really is no fathoming the depths of my hatred for this place.

Azula: The Avatar? My lucky day!

Chapter 4: The Swamp

Zuko: We are not entertainers.

Iroh: Not professional anyway.

(Iroh gets up and starts singing as a man slashes at the ground near his feet, forcing him to dance.)

Iroh: (singing)

It's a long, long way to Ba-Sing-Se

But the girls in the city

They look so pretty-!

They kiss so sweet

That you really got to meet

The girls from Ba-Sing-Se-!

Katara: Sokka, you've got an elbow leech!

Sokka: Where? Where?

Katara: Where do you think?

Due: I bet he tastes a lot like possum chicken.

Tho: You think everything tastes like possum chicken.

Chapter 5: Avatar Day

Iroh: No! Zuko! You must never give into despair. Allow yourself to slip down that road and you surrender to your lowest instincts. In the darkest times, hope is something you give yourself. That is the meaning of inner strength.

Sokka: (finding his stolen boomerang) Boomerang! You do always come back!

Aang: I said I would face justice, so I will. (spins Wheel of Punishment)

Spectator 1: (rooting) Come on, torture machine!

Old Man: Eaten by bears!

Spectator 2: Razor pit!

Katara: (worried) Community service! Please stop on community service.

Mayor Tong: (cowers) You! Avatar! Do something!

Aang: Gee, I'd love to help, but I'm supposed to be boiled in oil.

Aang: Ugh, what just happened?

Katara: Well uh, you sort of just...confessed.

Aang: What is this?

Mayor Tong: Our new festival food. Uncooked dough. May we eat and remember how on this day, the Avatar was NOT boiled in oil!

Katara: (picks up uncooked dough) Happy Avatar Day.

[Katara and Aang eat the dough]

Sokka: This is, without question, the worst town we have ever been to.

Chapter 6: The Blind Bandit

Katara: (Sigh) This is just going to be a bunch of guys chucking rocks at each other, isn't it?

Sokka: That's what I paid for.

The Boulder: The Boulder feels conflicted about fighting a young blind girl.

Toph: Sounds to me like you're scared, Boulder!

The Boulder: ...The Boulder's over his conflicted feelings, and now he's ready to bury you in a rockalanche!

Toph: Whenever you're ready, the Pebble! (laughs evil-like)

Aang: (to Toph) I don't really want to fight you. I want to talk to you.

Sokka: BOO! NO TALKING!

Katara: Don't boo at him! [hits Sokka on the arm]

Toph: [Aang has just entered the ring] Do people really want to see two little girls fighting out here?

Toph: Somebody's a little light on his feet. What's your fighting name, the Fancy Dancer?

The Boulder: Listen up, Hippo! You may be big, but you ain't bad! THE BOULDER's gonna win this, in a landslide!

Sokka: You know, now I'm really glad I bought this bag. It matches the belt perfectly!

Katara: (sarcastically) That is a BIG relief!

Toph: What're you doing here, Twinkle Toes?

Aang: How'd you know it was me?

Sokka: Don't answer to twinkle toes, its not manly!

Katara: You're the one whose bag matches his belt!

Toph: Let him go. I beat you all before, I'll do it again!

The Boulder: The Boulder takes issue with that comment!

Toph: Um, I'll take the belt back. [Sokka undoes it then throws it to Toph, but it hits her on the head and knocks her down] Oww!

Sokka: Sorry.

Chapter 7: Zuko Alone

Zuko: (Gives dagger to Lee) Read the inscription.

Lee: Made in Earth Kingdom...

Zuko: The other one.

Lee: Never give up without a fight.

Soldier 1: Hey! Did you throw that egg?

Zuko: No.

Soldier 1: Did you see who did it?

Zuko: No.

Soldier 1: That egg had to've come from somewhere.

Zuko: Maybe a chicken flew over.

[After Azula tricked Zuko into knocking Mai, and himself, into a fountain to put out the flaming apple on Mai's head]

Ursa: I was just coming to get you. Uncle Iroh sent us a letter from the war front. ...You're soaking wet.

Zuko: Girls are crazy!

Male Villager: (While Zuko is fighting) Give him a left! A left!

Female Villager: It's not a fist fight.

Male Villager: He's got a left sword, don't he?

Ursa: [in reference to Azula] What is wrong with that child?!

Ozai: Father, you must have realized as I have that with Lu Ten gone, Iroh's bloodline has ended. After his son's death, my brother abandoned the siege at Ba Sing Se, and who knows when he'll return home. But I am here Father and my children are alive.

Azulon: Say what it is you want!

Ozai: Father, revoke Iroh's birthright. I am your humble servant, here to serve you and our nation. Use me.

Azulon: You dare suggest I betray Iroh, my first born, directly after the demise of his only beloved son?! I think that Iroh has suffered enough. But you, your punishment has scarcely begun!

Zuko: Azula always lies, Azula always lies.

Defeated Earthbender: Who... Who are you?

Zuko: My name is Zuko, son of Ursa and Fire Lord Ozai, Prince of the Fire Nation, and heir to the throne.

Chapter 8: The Chase

Toph: Who's Zuko?

Sokka: Oh just some angry freak with a ponytail who's tracked us all over the world.

Katara: What's wrong with ponytails, Ponytail?

Sokka: This (points to ponytail) is a warrior's wolf-tail.

Katara: Well it certainly tells the other warriors that you're fun and perky.

Toph: We can take 'em. Three on three.

Sokka: Actually Toph, there's four of us.

Toph: Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't count you; you know, no bending and all.

Sokka: I can still fight!

Toph: Okay. Three, on three plus Sokka.

Sokka: (growls furiously)

Katara: Ever since joining us you've been nothing but selfish and unhelpful!

Toph: What?! Look here, sugar queen! I gave up everything I had so that I could teach Aang earthbending, so don't you talk to me about being selfish!

Katara: Sugar queen?! (Toph closes off her rock tent by brining a slab of earth up to cover the opening to Katara.) D-Did you just slam the door in my face?! How can you be so infuriating...!

[Katara begins to angrily beat and kick the rock tent as Aang and Sokka watch]

Aang: [to Sokka] Should we do something?

Sokka: Hey I'm just enjoying the show.

[Aang walks over to Katara]

Aang: Okay, okay. You both need to calm down.

Katara: Both?! (very outraged) I'M COMPLETELY CALM!

Aang: (shocked by Katara's outburst) I can see that... [backs up and scoots away]

Mai: Wads of wet fur, how delightful.

Ty Lee: Hmm, they're not wads, they're more like, bundles. Or bunches? It's got an "uh" sound.

Mai: ...Clumps?

Ty Lee: (hugs Mai) Clumps! They're clumps!

Katara: The stars sure are beautiful tonight. (angrily) Too bad you can't see them, Toph!

Toph: It feels like an avalanche, but not an avalanche.

Sokka: (sleepily and sarcastically) Your powers of perception are frightening.

Azula: You still don't know who I am? You don't see the family resemblance? Let me give you a hint. (covers left eye with her hand, imitating Zuko) I must find the Avatar to restore my honor!

Aang: (stares with blank face)

Azula: It's okay. You can laugh. It's funny.

Azula: (to Aang) Do you really want to fight me?

(Zuko jumps in, with a fighting stance)

Zuko: (to Azula) Yes, I really do.

Aang: Zuko!

Azula: I was wondering when you would show up, Zuzu.

Aang: "Zuzu"? (stifles a laugh)

Chapter 9: Bitter Work

Aang: So, what cool move are you gonna teach me first? Rock-a-lanche? The Trembler? Oh, oh, maybe I can learn to make a whirlpool outta land...

Toph: Let's start with, "Move A Rock."

Sokka: (aiming at a small prey animal) You're awfully cute, but unfortunately for you, you're made of meat.

(Zuko and Iroh are drinking tea together)

Iroh: Lightning is a pure expression of firebending, without aggression. It is not fueled by rage or emotion, the way other firebending is. Some call lightning "the cold-blooded fire." It is precise and deadly, like Azula. To perform the technique requires peace of mind.

Zuko: I see. That's why we're drinking tea. To calm the mind.

Iroh: Oh yeah, good point. I mean, yes.

Zuko (yelling angrily toward the sky): You've always thrown everything you could at me! Well, I can take it, and now I can give it back! Come on! STRIKE ME! You've never held back before!

Zuko: Great! I'm ready to try with real lightning!

Iroh: [taken aback] What, are you crazy? Lightning is very dangerous.

Zuko: I thought that was the point: you teaching me to protect myself from it!

Iroh: Yeah, but I'm not going to shoot lightning at you!

Sokka: Aang, this is my friend Foo-Foo Cuddlypoops, Foo-Foo Cuddlypoops, Aang.

Zuko: So uncle, I've been thinking. It's only a matter of time before I run into Azula again. I'm going to need to know more advanced firebending if I want to stand a chance against her. I know what you're going to say: she's my sister and I should be trying to get along with her-

Iroh: No, she's crazy and she needs to go down.

[Sokka is buried in the earth and is pleading to the spirits to let him out]

Sokka: Okay, karma person or thing, whoever's in charge of this stuff... If I can just get out of this situation alive, I will give up meat and sarcasm. Okay? That's all I got. Pretty much my whole identity: Sokka the meat and sarcasm guy. But I'm willing to be Sokka, the veggies and straight talk fellow. Deal?

(sees Aang approaching)

Sokka: Aang! Thank goodness! Have you got any meat?

(Aang has just agreed to earthbend Sokka out of the ground.)

Toph: Actually, you might wanna let me do that. You're a little still new to this...you might accidentally crush him.

Sokka:Yeah, no crushing, please!

Toph: Gooood morning earth-bending student!

Chapter 10: The Library

Toph: There it is!

(everybody looks to where Toph points, only to see nothing)

(everyone frowns at Toph)

Toph: That's what it will sound like when one of you spots it. (Waves hand repeatedly up and down in front of her face, reminding everybody that she's blind)

Katara: You got something against libraries?

Toph: I've held books before, and I gotta tell you, they don't exactly "do it" for me.

Katara: Oh, right. Sorry.

Sokka: I'm going to spend my vacation AT THE LIBRARY!

Wan Shi Tong: (to Sokka) So, who are you trying to destroy?

Sokka: What? No! No destroying, we're not into that.

Wan Shi Tong: Then why are you here?

Sokka: (hesitates) ...Knowledge for knowledge's sake?

(pause)

Wan Shi Tong: If you're going to lie to an all-knowing spirit being, you should at least put some effort into it.

Wan Shi Tong: You think you're the first person to believe their war was justified?! Countless others before you have come here, seeking weapons, weaknesses or battle strategies!

Aang: We had no choice! Please, we're just desperate to protect the people we love!

Wan Shi Tong: And now I'm going to protect what I love.

(Wan Shi Tong spreads his wings; the library starts to shake and flood with sand)

Wan Shi Tong: I'm taking my knowledge back! No one will ever abuse it again!

Sokka: He's sinking the building! We've gotta get out of here!

Wan Shi Tong: I'm afraid I can't allow that. You already know too much. (shrieks and chases them)

Wan Shi Tong: (to Katara; preparing to fight him as she is being chased) Your waterbending won't do you much good here. I have studied Northern Water Style, Southern Water Style, even Foggy Swamp Style.

(Sokka smashes a book against Wan Shi Tong's head, causing him to collapse)

Sokka: That's called Sokka Style! Learn it!

Professor Zei: [About Appa] Delightful! I only wish I spoke his tongue. Oh, the stories this beast could tell.

Momo: (chittering to the Professor)

Professor Zei: Shush, chatty monkey!

Chapter 11: The Desert

(Both Sokka and Momo take a drink of the juice in a cactus)

Sokka: (hallucinating after drinking cactus juice) Drink cactus juice, it'll quench ya. Nothing's quenchier. It's the quenchiest!

Katara: Okay, I think you had enough.

Sokka: Who lit Toph on fire?

(Momo spins in a circle in the air and dive bombs to the ground.)

Toph: Can I get some of that cactus?

Katara: I don't think that's a good idea. Come on, we need to find Aang.

(Katara pulls Sokka by the hand as he stares blankly at the sky)

Sokka: How did we get out here in the middle of the ocean?

Katara: Uhhh...

(as Iroh and the Pai Sho Player leave the back room)

Zuko: What's going on? Is the club meeting over?

Iroh: Everything is taken care of. We're heading to Ba-Sing-Se.

Zuko: Ba-Sing-Se? Why would we go to the Earth Kingdom capital?

Pai Sho Player: The city is filled with refugees. No one will notice two more.

Iroh: We can hide in plain sight there and it's the safest place in the world from the Fire Nation. Even I couldn't break through to the city.

Katara: (After spotting the giant sand mushroom cloud made by Aang) What is that?

Toph: What? What is what?

Sokka: (under the influence of the cactus water) It's a giant mushroom...MAYBE IT'S FRIENDLY!

Katara: Let's just keep moving. I hope Aang's okay.

Sokka:(hallucinating, waving arms) FRIENDLY MUSHROOM! Mushy giant friend!

Aang:(sees a cloud that looks like Appa in front of the moon) Appa!

Sokka: (under the influence of cactus juice) Appa? Now why would Princess Yue need him? (grabs Momo's tail and brushes it against his cheek dreamily) She's the moon; she flies by herself!

Katara: Sokka, any ideas on how to reach Ba Sing Se?

Sokka: (under the influence of the cactus water) Why don't we ask the circle birds?

Katara: (to Sokka) You've been hallucinating on cactus juice all day, and then you just lick something you find stuck to the wall of a cave?!

Sokka: I have a natural curiousity.

Toph: Yesterday my mouth tasted like mud. Now it tastes like sand. I never thought I would miss the taste of mud so much.

Chapter 12: The Serpent's Pass

Katara: Waterbending bomb! Yeah! (performs a tumbling cannonball into the pool and She sends up a massive column of water that washes Aang ashore, shattering his ice block)

Sokka: (sarcastically as he holds a dripping map) Sure, 5000 year old maps from the spirit library, just splash some water on 'em.

Security Woman: I told you already: no vegetables on the ferry! One cabbage slug could destroy the entire eco-system of Ba Sing Se! Security!

[A Platypus Bear destroys the cart full of cabbages]

Cabbage Merchant: MY CABBAGES!

[Suki asks Sokka why he is being overprotective of her]

Sokka: It's so hard to lose someone you care about. Something happened at the North Pole and I couldn't protect someone. I don't want anything like that to ever happen again.

Suki: I lost someone I cared about. He didn't die. He just went away. I only had a few days to get to know him, but he was smart and brave and funny...

Sokka: (suspiciously) Who is this guy? Is he taller than me?

Suki: (deadpan) No. He's about your height.

Sokka: Is he better-looking?

Suki: It is you, stupid!

Sokka: Oh.

[after Smellerbee is hurt by Iroh's mistaking her for a boy, Longshot catches up with her and looks at her without speaking]

Smellerbee: I know. You're right. As long as I'm confident in who I am, it doesn't matter what other people think. Thanks, Longshot.

[Longshot nods]

[Suki rescues Toph from drowning]

Toph: (thinking that Suki is Sokka) Oh, Sokka! You saved me! (kisses Suki on the cheek]

Suki: Um, actually, it's me.

Toph: Oh... well, heh heh. You can go ahead and let me drown now.

Sokka: Suki, you know about giant sea monsters, do something!

Suki: Just because I live near the Unagi doesn't mean I'm an expert.

Sokka: [picks up Momo and offers it to the Sea Serpent] Oh great and powerful sea serpent, please accept this humble and tasty offering. Thank You.

Katara: Sokka!

Chapter 13: The Drill

Mai: She [Azula] can shoot all the lightning she wants at me, I'm not going into that wall sludge juice. (Shudders, then closes hatch Katara, Sokka, and Ty Lee jumped into)

Ty Lee: (Looking through a periscope at the dust cloud Toph made) Hey...Look at that dust cloud. It's so...poofy! (Mimes by closing and opening her hand) Poof!

Iroh: I know you're not supposed to cry over spilled tea, but (sniffs) it's just so sad!

Katara: (Annoyed) You know, I am just about sick and tired of you telling me what to do all day. You're like a chattering hog-monkey!

Sokka: (Angrily) JUST BEND THE SLURRY, WOMAN!

[Katara bends a wave of slurry into Sokka's face, knocking him over]

[Toph takes the group under ground]

Sokka: It's so dark down here. I can't see a thing.

Toph: (Sarcastically) Oh no, what a nightmare!

Sokka: Sorry.

Chapter 14: City of Walls and Secrets

Dai Li Agent: There is no War in Ba Sing Se. Here, we are safe. Here, we are free.

Katara: The King is throwing a party at the palace tonight for his pet bear.

Aang: Don't you mean platypus bear?

Katara: No, it just says, 'bear'.

Sokka: Certainly you mean his pet skunk bear?

Toph: Or his armadillo bear?

Aang: Gopher bear?

Katara: Just, 'bear'.

(short pause)

Toph: This place is weird.

Long Feng: By the way, I'm Long Feng. I'm a cultural minister to the king.

Katara: I'm Kua Mai, and this is [gestures to Toph]...Dum.

Toph: It won't work. You country-bumpkins will stand out a mile. [Eats food with her hands]

Iroh: (Sips tea) Blech! This tea is nothing more than hot leaf juice!

Zuko: Uncle, that's what all tea is.

Iroh: How could a member of my own family say something so horrible?

Katara: Look, the inner wall. I can't believe we finally made it to Ba Sing Se in one piece.

Sokka: Hey don't jinx it! We could still be attacked by some giant, exploding Fire Nation spoon. Or find out the city's been submerged in an ocean full of killer shrimp.

Toph: You been hitting the cactus juice again?

Sokka: I'm just saying, weird stuff happens to us. [A large man sucking on a cob of corn sits between Sokka and Toph]

Zuko: This city is a prison. I don't want to make a life here.

Iroh: Life happens wherever you are, whether you make it or not.

Party Guest 1: (about the king's bear) He's taking all the good stuff!

Party Guest 2: Shut up! Do you know what I had to do to get seats this close to the bear?

Iroh: (to Zuko) Would you like some tea?

Zuko: We've been working in a tea shop the whole day. I'm sick of tea.

Iroh: (stops making tea and lifts his hands in exasperation) Sick of tea? That's like being sick of breathing!

Chapter 15: The Tales of Ba Sing Se

Iroh: (singing)

Leaves from the vine

Falling so slow

Like fragile tiny shells

Drifting in the foam

Little soldier boy

Come marching home

Brave soldier boy

Comes marching home...

(Katara opens a door and sees Toph lying facedown on the floor, asleep)

Katara: Toph, aren't you gonna get ready for the day?

(Toph wakes up, hair frazzled, and spits)

Toph: I'm ready.

Katara: Aren't you gonna clean up? You've got a little dirt on your...everywhere actually.

Toph: You call it dirt. I call it a healthy coating of earth.

Iroh: (After a group of children accidentally breaks a window while playing soccer) It is usually best to admit mistakes when they occur, and to seek to restore honor...

Very large man: (Yelling threateningly through the window) When I'm through with you kids, the window won't be the only thing that's broken!

Iroh: ...but not this time. Run!

(A mugger approaches Iroh in an alley)

Mugger: You! Hand over your money!

(Iroh looks down and notices the mugger's unstable stance)

Iroh: What are you doing?

Mugger: I'm mugging you!

Iroh: With that stance?

Mugger: Wha… What are you talking about? Just give me your money, old man!

Iroh: With that stance you are unbalanced and can be easily knocked over.

(Iroh knocks mugger down and then helps him up)

Iroh: With a solid stance you are a much more serious threat!

Iroh:It's always best to believe in one's self but with a little help from others can be a great blessing!

Iroh: How was your night, Prince Zuko?

[Zuko slams the door to his room. Iroh looks disappointed and Zuko slides the door open a little]

Zuko: (quietly) It was nice.

(Iroh smiles)

Chapter 16: Appa's Lost Days

[context: Azula is talking to the Kyoshi warriors, who fight with fans]

Azula: Who are you? The Avatar's fangirls?

[a short pause]

Ty Lee: ...Oh! I get it! Good one Azula.

[Ty Lee unleashes a flurry of jabs into the back of a Kyoshi warrior, dropping her, and unleashes a final taunt]

Ty Lee: You are not prettier than we are.

[Suki is about to attack Azula]

Azula: Don't you know that fans only make flames stronger?

[Azula proceeds at attacking Suki]

Guru Pathik: I know I am not the person you expected...and I did not expect to be licked by a giant tongue just now.

Chapter 17: Lake Laogai

Sokka: Hey, I thought designing the "Lost Appa" poster was my job! I've been working all day on my Appa!

(shows Katara and Aang his picture. Katara is visibly trying not to laugh.')

Aang: Sokka, the arrow is on Appa's head.

Sokka: This is his head!

Katara: Why are feet coming out of it?

Sokka: Those are his horns! I haven't seen him in a while, okay?

Toph: Well, it looks just like him to me.

Sokka: Oh, thanks, I worked really-[breaks off, remembering that Toph is blind]...Why do you feel the need to do that?

Sokka: We'll split up to cover more area. Toph, I guess you should just come with me.

Toph: (Grumpily) Why? Because you think I can't put up posters on my own!? (Swipes glue across a wall, snatches a poster from Sokka, and slams it backwards onto the paste).

[Pause]

Toph: It's upside-down, isn't it? I'll just go with Sokka.

Aang: We need to find a way to jog his real memories.

Sokka: (provokingly) Maybe Katara should kiss him! That should bring something back!

Katara: Maybe you should kiss him, Sokka.

Sokka: Hey, just an idea.

Aang: (Perhaps jealous) A bad one.

Toph: Was this guy your boyfriend or something?

Katara: What?! No!

Toph: (teasing, sing-song tone) I can tell you're lying~!

Longshot: (speaking for the only time on-screen) There's no time. Just go. We'll take care of him. He's our leader.

Jet: Don't worry Katara, I'll be fine.

Toph: (sadly as she's walking away to Sokka) He's lying.

Zuko: (looking at the tied-up Appa) Uncle?

Iroh: (walks into the cell) So, the Blue Spirit? I wonder who could be behind that mask?

Zuko: What are you doing here?

Iroh: I was just about to ask you the same thing. What do you plan to do now that you've found the Avatar's bison? Keep it locked in our new apartment? Should I go put on a pot of tea for him?!

Zuko: First I have to get it out of here.

Iroh: And then what?! You never think these things through! This is exactly what happened when you captured the Avatar at the North Pole! You had him, and then you had nowhere to go!

Zuko: I would've figured something out.

Iroh: No! If his friends hadn't found you, you would have frozen to death!

Zuko: (very angry) I know my own destiny, Uncle.

Iroh: Is it your own destiny, or is it a destiny someone else has tried to force on you?

Zuko: Stop it, Uncle! I have to do this!

Iroh: I'm begging you, Prince Zuko! Its time for you to look inward and begin asking yourself the big questions: Who are you? and What do you want?

Chapter 18: The Earth King

Sokka: Looks like Long Feng is long gone! (laughs) Oh, I've been waiting to use that one!

Toph: I've seen enough of Ba Sing Se. And I can't even see!

Toph: (Next to the Earth King while riding Appa bear-back) First time flying?

Earth King: It's both exciting and terrifying.

Toph: Yeah, I hate it too.

Chapter 19: The Guru

Azula: It's terrible when you can't trust the people who are closest to you.

Guru Pathik: Third is the fire chakra, located in the stomach. It is strengthened by willpower and blocked by shame.

Aang: My fire chakra would like to eat something other than onion and banana juice.

Guru Pathik: (laughs) Good one. Moving on.

Azula: We have been presented with an extraordinary opportunity, girls.

Ty Lee: Mai finally gets to wear make-up that's not totally depressing?

Guru Pathik: Hmm, That chakra opened less like a flowing creek, and more like a (pauses) burping bison!

Aang: (burping) Taste like onion and banana juice... but strangely something else... (smacks lips together) Pickles?

Guru Pathik: (shrugging) Muhum?

Guru Pathik: You have indeed felt a great loss. But love is a form of energy, and it swirls all around us. The Air Nomads' love for you has not left this world. It is still inside of your heart, and is reborn in the form of new love.

Chapter 20: The Crossroads of Destiny

Ty Lee: Nice speech, Azula! It was pretty and poetic, but also scary in a good way!

Iroh: Believe me when I say there is good inside him [Zuko]!

Sokka: Good inside him isn't enough! Why don't you come back when it's outside him as well!

Sokka: We should split up. Aang, you go with Iroh to look for Katara and the angry jerk, [to Iroh] no offense.

Iroh: None taken.

Sokka: Thank goodness we're in time!

Earth King: In time for what?

Ty Lee (excitedly): Yeah. What are you in time for- (she cartwheels toward Sokka, and giggles) ...cutie?

Sokka (nervously): Um, I'm kinda involved with Suki.

Ty Lee: Who?

Sokka: My sister! Where are they keeping Katara?

Aang: Well, I met with this Guru who was supposed to help me master the Avatar State and control this great power, but to do it I had to let go of someone I love and I just couldn't.

Iroh: Perfection and power are overrated. I think you were very wise to choose happiness and love.

Aang: What happens if I can't save everyone and beat Azula? Without the Avatar State, what if I'm not powerful enough?

Iroh: I don't know the answer. Sometimes life is like this dark tunnel, you can't always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you just keep moving you will come to a better place.

[In the middle of a duel after Zuko betrays Katara]

Katara: I thought you had changed!

Zuko: I have changed.

Zuko: Uncle, I don't understand. What are you doing with the Avatar?

Aang: [faces him] Saving you, that's what.

Zuko: [makes angry noise and attempts to lunge at him. Iroh holds him back]

Iroh: It's time we talked. [to Aang, smiling] Go help your other friends. We'll catch up with you.

Aang: [bows to Iroh and rushes out with Katara]

Katara: [stares sadly over her shoulder at Zuko as she leaves]

Zuko: [not looking Iroh directly in the eye] Why, Uncle?

Iroh: [seriously] You're not the man you used to be, Zuko. You are stronger, and wiser, and freer than you have ever been. And now you've come to the crossroads of your destiny. It's time for you to choose. It's time for you to choose good.

Zuko: [eyes widen and makes a loud sound of surprise as the green crystals shoot up and imprison Iroh]

Azula: [comes over with two Dai Li Agents behind her] I expected this kind of treachery from Uncle. But Zuko, Prince Zuko. You're a lot of things, but you aren't a traitor, are you?

Zuko: [angrily, eyes narrowed] Release him immediately!

Azula:[slyly] It's not to late for you, Zuko. You could still redeem yourself.

Book 3: Fire

Chapter 1: The Awakening

Katara: (Smiles) I like your hair.

Aang (Alarmed): I have hair?! (touching his newly grown hair) How long was I out?!

Katara: A few weeks.

Toph: (To Sokka) How we doing?

Sokka: Things couldn't get much worse.

(The serpent from the Serpent's Pass shoots up from the water behind Sokka.)

Sokka: The universe just loves proving me wrong, doesn't it?

Toph: You make it too easy! (The serpent is about to attack but changes target to the Fire Nation ship when it is hit by a Fire Ball)

Sokka: Thank you, The Universe!

Sokka: And the best part is... the eclipse isn't even our biggest advantage. We have a secret (looks around and whispers to Aang): You!

Aang: Me?!

Sokka: Yep, the whole world thinks you're dead…isn't that great?! (Aang stares at him, horrified)

Zuko: Why did you do it?

Azula: You're going to have to be a little more specific.

Zuko: Why did you tell Father that I was the one who killed the Avatar?

Azula: Can't this wait until morning?

Zuko: (firmly) It can't.

Azula: Fine. You seemed so worried about how father would treat you because you hadn't captured the Avatar. I figured, if I gave you the credit, you'd have nothing to worry about.

Zuko: But why?

Azula: Call it a generous gesture. I wanted to thank you for your help, and I was happy to share the glory.

Zuko: You're lying.

Azula: If you say so.

Zuko: You have another motive for doing this. I just haven't figure out what it is.

Azula: (stretching up her arms) Please, Zuko. What ulterior motive could I have? What could I possibly gain by letting you get all the glory for defeating the Avatar? Unless somehow, the Avatar was actually alive. All that glory would suddenly turn to shame and foolishness. But you said yourself that was impossible. Sleep well, Zuzu.

Chapter 2: The Headband

Sokka: Great job with the cloud camo, but next time, let's disguise ourselves as the kinda cloud that knows how to keep its mouth shut!

Toph: (sarcastically) Yeah, we wouldn't want a bird to hear us chatting up there and turn us in.

Sokka: (Hushed tone) Hey, we're in enemy territory. Those are enemy birds!

(One bird jumps on Sokka's head and caws, all laugh)

Aang: I don't know about this. These clothes belong to somebody...

Katara: I call the silk robe!

Aang: But if it's essential to our survival...I call the suit!

Headmaster: Thank you for coming, Mr. and Mrs...

Sokka: Fire. Wang Fire. This is my wife Sapphire.

Katara: Sapphire Fire, nice to meet you.

Headmaster: Mr. and Mrs... Fire, your son has been enrolled here for two days, and he's already causing problems. He's argued with his history teacher, disrupted music class, and roughed up my star pupil.

Katara: (in shock) My goodness, that doesn't sound like our Kuzon.

Headmaster: That's what would any mother could say, Ma'am, nonetheless you're forewarned. If he acts up one more, I'll have him sent to reform school [standing up for emphasis]! By which I mean the coal mines. Are we clear?

Sokka: Don't you worry, Mr. Headmaster! I'll straighten the boy up with something fierce. (in a fierce tone) YOUNG MAN, AS SOON AS WE GET HOME, YOU'RE GONNA GET THE PUNISHMENT OF A LIFETIME!

Headmaster: That's what I like to hear.

[Aang, Katara, and Sokka leave; with Sokka walking in a manly-like manner]

Mai: Orange is such an awful color.

Zuko: You're so beautiful when you hate the world.

Mai: I don't hate you.

Zuko: I don't hate you, too.

Azula: I hear you've been to see Uncle Fatso in the prison tower.

Zuko: That guard told you, didn't he?

Azula: No, you did. Just now.

Aang: I already have a picture of Fire Lord Ozai. And here's one that I made out of noodles!

Sokka: Impressive, I'll admit.

Aang: You do

Katara: We're safe now Sokka, you can take off the moustache.

Sokka: Oh, no I can't. It's permantently glued to my skin.

Sokka (wearing his fake mustache): That's it! No more school for you, young man! (strokes his mustache)

Aang: I'm not ready to leave yet. I'm having fun for once, just being a normal kid. You don't know what it's like, Sokka. You get to be normal all the time.

Toph: Ha ha. (Sokka narrows his eyes at Toph)

Aang: Listen, guys, those kids are the future of the Fire Nation. If we want to change this place for the better, we need to show them a little of freedom.

Sokka: What could you possibly do for a country of depraved little fire monsters?

Aang: I'm gonna throw them... a secret dance party! (Aang does a silly little dance, and everybody stares at him)

Sokka (adult voice): Go to your room!

Aang holds his hand out to Katara, inviting her to dance.

Katara: (looks away nervously) Oh, I don't know, Aang, these shoes aren't really right for dancing, and I'm not sure I know how to-

Aang: Take my hand.

Katara: (grinning) Okay.

[Aang and Katara are dancing together.]

Katara: Aang, everyone's watching.

Aang: Don't worry about them. (grins) It's just you and me right now.

Sokka: Well, I am a fan of secret rivers...Alright. We can stay one more day.

Aang: Yeah! Flameo, hotman.

Sokka: Flameo?

Aang: Or, as they say in the Fire Nation, "stay flamin'!"

Mrs. Kwan: Do you have a name, or shall we just call you Mannerless Colony Slob?

Aang: (laughing) Just Slob is fine.

Aang: Ladies and gentlemen, THE FLAMEO'S!

Chapter 3: The Painted Lady

Xu: (grabs two gross-looking fish) Would you like the one-headed fish or the two-headed fish?

Sokka: ...TWO HEADED! (they look at him) What? You get more for your money that way!

Doc: You know, you're (Katara) not so bad for a Waterbender.

Sokka: Yeah, you wouldn't mind keeping that a secret, would you?

Doc: No problem. Keeping my mouth shut is a speciality. But my brother, Xu on the other hand, oh, he's a blabbermouth! (Sokka slaps himself in the head)

Katara: So, Doc, you ready to clean this river?

Doc: No, ma'am. I'm gonna get my other brother, Bushi. He loves cleaning rivers! (takes off his first hat and reveals another hat beneath) All right, I'm Bushi! Let's get to some river cleaning!

Aang (to the Painted Lady): I'm the Avatar! (he jumps down in front of her)

Katara: (mysterious voice): Well, hello, Avatar. I wish I could talk, but I am very busy.

Aang: Yeah, me too; I hate that. (he looks at the Painted Lady, Katara tries to hide her face with her hat) You know, you're real pretty for a spirit. I don't get to meet many spirits. But the ones I do meet? Not very attractive. (Katara chuckles nervously)

Katara: Thank you, but-

Aang: You seem familiar. (he looks at the Painted Lady again, but Katara still hides her face with her hat)

Katara: A lot of people say that.

Aang: No. You really seem familiar.

Katara: Look, I really should get going. (Aang Airbends her hat off, Katara grabs it, and turns away)

Aang: Katara?

Katara (turning to face Aang; regretfully): Hi, Aang.

Aang (points at Katara): You're the Painted Lady?! But how?

Katara: I wasn't at first. But since that's who everybody thought I was, I guess I kinda became her. (she drops her hat)

Sokka: I got it! We'll take potty breaks, and eating breaks at the same time!

Gaang: Ugh!

Sokka: Hey, it might be gross, but it's efficient.

Chapter 4: Sokka's Master

Sokka: (referring to the bright stars overhead) Wow, this really makes you realise how insignificant we all are.

Toph: Meh, if you haven't seen anything before, you've seen it a thousand times.

(a bright meteor suddenly heads earthward)

Sokka: Oh, man! You've NEVER not seen anything like this before!.

Aang: What should we do today?

Toph: I'm tapped out. I already picked my toes. Twice.

Aang: Twice?

Toph: The first time's for cleaning, but the second time's just for the sweet picking sensation.

Toph: It's hot today.

Aang: How hot is it?

Toph: I dunno, really hot?

Katara: It's so hot, it's so hot! Th-That Momo's shedding like Appa! Huh huh? (waits for a reply or laugh)

Aang: I guess the jokes don´t run in the family.

Katara: Oh, everybody's a critic!

Toph: You noodlebrains don't have a clue what you're doing. I miss Sokka.

Katara: Ooh! I got one! If you miss him so much, why don't you marry him?! (Katara grins, Toph turns over)

Aang: (is silent, then blows away a nearby bug with Airbending)

Toph: Sokka's coming! (sits up excitedly then tries to look casual about it)

Sokka: Hey guys. How ya doin? (they all hug him)

Aang: Sokka!

Toph: You're back!

Katara: We missed you so much.

Aang: Say something funny!

Sokka: Funny how? (Aang and Katara start laughing) What's their deal?

Toph: (turns away trying to seem casual) I don't know. They missed you or something... (blushes) I didn't care.

Sokka: Thanks. That warms my heart.

Piandao: Don't think of your sword as a weapon. Think of it as another part of your body.

Sokka: Like a second head?

Piandao: More like an extra-long, really sharp arm.

Sokka: I'm not from the Fire Nation. I'm from the southern Water tribe. I lied so I can learn swordsmanship from you. I'm sorry.

Piandao: I'm sorry too.

[Piandao proceeds to attack Sokka.]

Piandao: (after their duel) Excellent work, Sokka. I think I'm a little old to be fighting the Avatar.

Aang: (shocked) How did you know?

Piandao: Oh, I've been around a while. You pick things up. Of course I knew from the beginning that Sokka was Water Tribe... You might want to think of a better Fire Nation cover name. Try Lee. There's a million Lees.

Katara: But why would you agree to train someone from the Water Tribe?

Piandao: The way of the sword doesn't belong to any one nation. Knowledge of the arts belongs to us all.

Chapter 5: The Beach

(At Li and Lo's house on Ember Island)

Zuko: It smells like old lady in here.

Mai: Gee, I wonder why.

Azula: [After winning a game of beach volleyball/"Kuai Ball"] Yes! We defeated you for all time! You will never rise from the ashes of your shame and humiliation! [pause] Well, that was fun.

Azula: That's a sharp outfit, Chan. Careful, you could puncture the hull of an empire-class Fire Nation battle ship, leaving thousands to drown at sea. [Points] Because... it's so sharp.

Chan: Ummm... Thaaanks.

Ty Lee: Thank goodness you're here, Azula. These boys won't leave me alone. I think they all just like me too much!

Azula: Oh come on, Ty Lee, you can't be that stupid.

Ty Lee: What do you mean?

Azula: You make it too easy for them, you're a tease. It's not like they actually care who you are.

(Ty Lee starts crying)

Azula: Okay, okay, I'm sorry. It's just that I'm a little (pauses and whispers) jealous.

Ty Lee: Of me? But you're the smartest, prettiest girl in the whole world!

Azula: Well, you're right about those things, but every time I try to talk to boys, they act like I'm going to do something horrible to them...

Ty Lee: But you probably would do something horrible to them. Okay, look. If you want a boy to like you, just look at him, and smile a lot, and laugh at everything he says, even if it's not funny.

Azula: Well, that sounds really shallow and stupid... Let's try it!

Ty Lee: Right. [puts on a boyish voice] Hey there, sweet sugar-cakes. How ya likin' this party?

[Azula does a loud and exaggerated laugh, distracting everybody]

(Azula notices a volleyball game)

Azula: Hey, beach bums, we're going next. [To Ty Lee] Ty Lee, get over here now!

(Ty Lee, goes over to on two hands, revealing her red underwear.)

[Chan and Azula had just shared a passionate kiss.]

Chan: You're pretty.

Azula: (sweetly) Together, you and I will be (evilly) the strongest couple in the entire world! (creates two blue fireballs in her hands) WE WILL DOMINATE THE EARTH! (Chan stares at her like she's crazy)

Chan: Uh, I gotta go. (he nervously walks away, leaving Azula alone)

Zuko: I guess you wouldn't understand, would you Azula? Because you're just so perfect.

Azula: Well yes, I guess you're right. I don't have sob stories like all of you. I could sit here and complain how mom liked Zuko more then me, but I don't really care. My own mother thought I was a monster... [is silent for a moment] She was right, of course, but it still hurt.

Ty Lee: [to Zuko and Mai, who have been arguing] Calm down, you guys! This much negative energy is bad for your skin; you'll totally break out.

Zuko: Bad skin?! Normal teenagers worry about bad skin! I don't have that luxury! My father decided to teach me a permanent lesson - ON MY FACE!

Ty Lee: Sorry, Zuko, I-

Zuko: For so long now I thought if my dad accepted me, I'd be happy. I'm back home now, my dad talks to me, he even thinks I'm a hero! Everything should be perfect, right? I should be happy now, but I'm not. I'm angrier than ever and I don't know why!

Azula: There's a simple question you need to answer, then. Who are you angry at?

Zuko: No one! I'm just... angry.

Mai: Yeah, who are you angry at, Zuko?

Zuko: Everyone! I don't know!

Azula: Is it Dad?

Zuko: No, no.

Ty Lee: Your uncle?

Azula: Me?

Zuko: No! No, no, no!

Mai: Then who? Who are you angry at?

Azula: Answer the question, Zuko.

Ty Lee: Talk to us!

Mai: Come on, answer the question.

Azula: Come on, answer it.

Zuko: [makes their fire blaze] I'M ANGRY AT MYSELF!

Chapter 6: The Avatar and the Fire Lord

(Zuko is standing before a huge portrait of Fire Lord Sozin)

Azula: It's never too early for a sitting with the court painter, Zuko. (Sarcastically) Make sure he gets your good side.

(After explaining their great-grandfather Sozin's history to Zuko)

Azula: In the end, he died a very old and successful man.

Zuko: But how did he die?

Azula: Didn't you pay any attention in school, Zuko? He died peacefully in his sleep; he was ancient.

(Zuko begins to read Sozin's last testament)

Sozin: (voice-over) As I feel my own life dimming, I can't help but think of a time when everything was so much brighter...

Aang: (in disbelief) You were friends with Fire Lord Sozin?

Roku: Back then he was just Prince Sozin...and he was my best friend.

Roku: (after watching his younger self fail to speak to Ta Min) Love is hard, when you're young.

Aang: You don't have to tell me.

Roku: Don't worry, it gets better.

(Sozin and Roku see the Fire Sages approach them)

Sozin: (worried) Did something happen to my father?

Fire Sage: No, Prince Sozin. We are not here for you. We are here to announce the identity of the next Avatar. (the crowd gasps in surprise) It is our honor to serve you, Avatar Roku. (the Fire Sages bow, followed by everyone else in the room)

(Aang stands up, squats, grunts in a straining manner, sighs with relief, and smiles, all while he is still connected with the Spirit World)

Katara: Do they have bathrooms in the spirit world?

Sokka: As a matter of fact, they do not.

Aang: That's amazing! I can't believe you were friends with Monk Gyatso just like I was!

Roku: Some friendships are so strong they can even transcend lifetimes.

Roku: After all these years, he was still my best friend and a few months later he was my best man.

Aang: Roku, it's that girl who didn't even know you were alive!

Roku: Ta Min... I was persistent. When love is real, it finds a way... and being the Avatar doesn't hurt your chances with the ladies either.

Sozin: Without you, all my plans are suddenly possible. I have a vision for the future, Roku.

Sozin: With Roku gone and the Great Comet returning, the timing was perfect to change the world. I knew the next Avatar would be born an Air Nomad so I wiped out the Air Temples, but somehow the new Avatar eluded me. I wasted the remainder of my life searching in vain. I know he's hiding out there somewhere; the Fire Nation's greatest threat, the last Airbender.

Iroh: You have more than one great-grandfather, Prince Zuko. Sozin was your father's grandfather. Your mother's grandfather was Avatar Roku.

Zuko: (in shock) Why are you telling me this?!

Iroh: Because understanding the struggle between your two great-grandfathers can help you better understand the battle within yourself. Evil and good are always at war inside you, Zuko. It is your nature, your legacy, but there is a bright side. What happened generations ago can be resolved now by you. Because of your legacy, you alone can cleanse the sins of our family and the Fire Nation. Born in you, along with all the strife, is the power to restore balance to the world.

Katara: You mean after all Roku and Sozin went through together, even after Roku showed him mercy, Sozin betrayed him like that?

Toph: It's like these people are born bad.

Aang: No, that's wrong. I don't think that was the point of what Roku showed me at all.

Sokka: Then what was the point?

Aang: Roku was just as much Fire Nation as Sozin was, right? If anything, their story proves anyone is capable of great good and great evil. Everyone, even the Fire Lord and the Fire Nation, have to be treated like they're worth giving a chance. And I think it was about friendships too.

Toph: Do you really think friendships can last more than one lifetime?

Aang: [Aang takes Toph's hand] I don't see why not.[Katara takes Toph's other]

Sokka: Well, scientifically speaking there's no way to prove that-

Katara: OH SOKKA JUST HOLD HANDS.

[Sokka keeps his face turned and grabs Katara's hand.]

Chapter 7: The Runaway

Katara: This isn't something we should make a habit of doing.

Toph: Why? Because it's fun? And you hate fun?

Katara: I don't hate fun. (puts Momo on her head) See? Fun!

(Momo slides off Katara's head)

Sokka: Toph, when I was in town I found something you're not going to like (unfurls a wanted poster)

Toph: Well it sounds like a sheet of paper. But I guess you're referring to what's on the sheet of paper.

Sokka: It's a wanted poster, of you! They've nicknamed you "The Runaway"

Toph: A wanted poster! That's so great! "The Runaway"! I love my new nickname! Is there a picture of me? Does it look good?

Sokka: (looks at the poster) Well yeah, actually, it does look pretty good.

(Later in the episode)

Katara: Where have you two been? Off scamming again?

Toph: Yes, we were.

Katara: Oh really? And you don't think this is dangerous at all?

Toph: No, I don't.

Katara: Well then, what's this? (brandishes the same wanted poster)

Toph: (seriously irritated) I don't know! I mean, seriously, what's with you people?! I'm blind!

Katara: We've already got some third eyed freak after us.

Sokka: Speaking of that third eyed freak, I think I've come up with a name for him. What do you guys think of (dramatic pause) Sparky Sparky Boom Man! (Everyone just stares) Just think about.

[after being attacked by Combustion Man]

Aang: Sokka! Watch out! It's Sparky Sparky Boom Man!

Sokka: You know, I'm starting to think that name doesn't quite fit!

Sokka: Hey, I've got it, the perfect name for that guy. "Combustion Man"!

Toph: Good job, Sokka. Now let's get out of here before Combustion Man catches us!

Sokka: See? It fits so well!

(Aang blindfolded. Sokka comes up from behind, running.)

Sokka: (screams) SNEAK ATTACK!

Aang: (hits Sokka with a rock) Sokka, sneak attacks doesn't work if you yell it out loud.

(Toph and Katara in cage)

Toph: Wait a minute, it's a trap!

Katara: (sarcastically) Really? No kidding! Is that why we're trapped in a wooden cage right now? Gee, I wonder how you figured out it was a trap!

Toph: Not for us, Katara. We're the bait. He wants Aang!

Katara: Ugh! I can't believe I was so stupid! See, this is exactly why I'm against these scams, I knew this would happen!

Toph: ...But it was your idea.

Katara: I know. I wanted to show you I'm not so motherly. That I can have fun too.

Toph: Katara, you are fun, if nothing else, you're at least fun to argue with.

Chapter 8: The Puppetmaster

Aang: I'd steer clear of the sea prunes.

Toph: I thought they were ocean kumquats.

Aang: Close enough.

Sokka: People disappearing in the woods, weird stuff during full moons…this just reeks of spirit world shenanigans.

Aang: I bet if we take a little walk around town, we'll find out what these people did to the environment to make the spirits mad.

Sokka: And then you can sew up this little mystery, lickety-split, Avatar-style.

Aang: Helping people…that's what I do.

Hama: I control every muscle, every vein in your body. It's impossible for you to escape my grip!

Katara: Stop... Please...

Toph: Maybe the Moon Spirit just turned mean.

Sokka: (outraged) The Moon Spirit is a gentle, loving lady! She rules the sky with compassion and... lunar goodness!

Katara: You're not the only one who draws power from the moon. (Hama is shocked that Katara managed to resist her bloodbending) My bending is more powerful than yours, Hama. Your technique is useless on me! (draws water from the ground and forms a ring around herself before directing it at Hama)

Aang: (walking up) Old Man Ding?

Old Man Ding: (hits his thumb with the hammer) Eeh, yeow! Aw, dang blame it! What? Can't you see I'm busy. 'Got a full moon rising. And why does everyone call me that? I'm not that old. (tries to pick up a fallen) Aww...well, I'm young at heart. Not ready to get snapped up by some moon monster, yet, at least.

Sokka: (takes over the hammering) We wanted to ask you about that.

Aang: Did you get a good look at the spirit that took you?

Old Man Ding: Didn't see no spirit. Just felt something come over me, like I was possessed. Forced me to start walking toward the mountain. I tried to fight it, but I couldn't control my own limbs. (demonstrates a walk like he's possessed) It just about had me into a cave up there. And I looked up at the moon, for what I thought would be my last glimpse of light. But then, the sun started to rise. And I got control of myself again! I just high-tailed it away from that mountain as quick as I could!

Sokka: Why would a spirit want to take people to a mountain?

Toph: Oh, no! I did hear people screaming under the mountain. The missing villagers must still be there.

Chapter 9: Nightmares and Daydreams

(Aang lies down to sleep)

Aang: Goodnight, Katara. Goodnight, Sokka. Goodnight, Toph. Goodnight,Appa. Goodnight, Momo. Goodnight Appa and Momo-

Toph: GO TO SLEEP ALREADY!

Sokka (wearing his Wang Fire costume ): Why don't you get right down to business, and tell me what's been bothering you?

Aang: You know what's been bothering me. I have face to the Fire Lord in a few days!

Sokka: Mm-hmm. Tell me more about this Fire Lord. Why are you so afraid of him?

Aang: You said it yourself. He's the baddest man on the planet! I'm supposed to defeat and save the world!

Sokka: Mmm. Life does feel that way sometimes, doesn't it? Like we're all trying to save the world from evil?

Aang: Okay, but what can I do to make myself feel better?

Sokka (holding out a koala sheep): Wanna try screaming into this pillow? (Aang takes it, screams, and the sheep baas)

Aang (at the Ozai practice dummy): You think you're untouchable, don't you, Mr. Fire Lord?!

Momo: Boy, you are really starting to lose it, kid.

Aang: Momo, did you hear something?

Momo: No, but I said something.

Aang: Uh... (he looks at Momo)

Momo: You, my friend, are just a few plums short of a fruit pie. (Aang's mouth hangs open, he shakes his head, and looks at Momo again; Momo chatters)

(Aang's hallucinating a fight between Momo and Appa, then Guru Pathik comes by flying on a cloud, with six arms, playing a sitar with lower arms, while holding bowls of onion and banana juice with middle arms, upper arms waving aimlessly, singing:)

Guru Pathik: Chakras, chakras, everybody loves chakras! Chakras, chakras! Chakra sandwich tastes good! Yum!

(Aang's is daydreaming about professing his love for Katara)

Aang: Invasion, all aboard for the invasion.

Katara: You don't look so good, are you sure that you can't lie down and take a little nap?

Aang: I told you, I can't go to sleep.

Katara: Aang, staying up all night can't be good for you.

Aang: Actually staying up all night has given me some time to think and I've realized some big things Katara.

Katara:What big things?

Aang: I'm seeing everything so clearly now, what really matters, why I'm really doing this, I'm doing it to save the world, but more than that. I'm doing it for the people I love. I'm doing it for you, Katara.

Katara: Aang, what are you saying?

Aang: I'm saying...I love you.

(Aang gives Katara a peck on the lips, then they start kissing passionately)

Katara: What are we doing?

Aang: What our hearts have been telling us to do for a long, long time. Baby, you're my forever girl.

(Aang goes back to reality)

Katara:Aang?

Aang: Huh?

Katara: I was just saying you should take a nap.

Aang: Oh...I guess I kinda drifted off into a daydream.

Katara: What was your dream about?

Aang: Uh...living underwater?

Katara: Sounds neat!

(Aang is dreaming)

Aang: Your reign of tyranny is over, Fire Lord. I'm taking you down!

Ozai: Do you really think you can take me down? You're not even wearing pants!

Aang: No, Fire Lord Ozai. You're not wearing pants!

Ozai: (screams) My royal parts are showing!

Chapters 10 & 11: Day of Black Sun

The Invasion

Du: Hoo-wee! There ain't nothing like this back in the swamp! (points at a rock) Whatcha rekon that is, Tho? Some sort of Fire Nation trap exploding trap would eat ya?

Tho: It's just a rock, Du.

Du: Well, I'll be!

Hakoda: Is it just me, or are those fellows a little loose on the leaf hats?

Bato: I just wish they'd wear pants.

Huu: Pants are an illusion... and so is death.

Toph: No way! Is that- (the Hippo picks her up and hugs her)

Hippo: Hippo happy to see Blind Bandit.

Toph: You guys here for a rematch?

Boulder: Negatory. The Boulder and the Hippo no longer fight for others' entertainment. Now we fight for our kingdom!

Toph:(suddenly happy) Sweet!

The Eclipse

Zuko: After I leave here today, I'm going to free Uncle Iroh from his prison, and I'm going to beg for his forgiveness. He's the one who's been a real father to me.

Ozai: [Laughs] That's just beautiful. Maybe he can pass down to you the ways of tea and failure.

Zuko: But I've come to an even more important decision. I'm gonna join the Avatar, and I'm going to help him defeat you.

Ozai: Really? Since you're a full blown traitor and you want me gone, why wait? I'm powerless. You've got your swords. Why don't you just do it now?

Zuko: Because I know my own destiny. Taking you down is the Avatar's destiny. Goodbye.

Ozai: Coward! You may think that you're brave enough to face me, but you'll only do it during the Eclipse. If you have any real courage, you'll stick around until the sun comes out. Don't you want to hear what happened to your mother?

Zuko: What happened that night?

Ozai: My father, Fire Lord Azulon, had commanded me to do the unthinkable to you, my own son, and I was going to do it. Your mother found out and swore she would protect you at any cost. She knew I wanted the throne, so she proposed a plan; a plan in which I would become Fire Lord and your life would be spared. Your mother did vicious treasonous things that night. She knew the consequences and accepted them. For her treason she was banished.

Zuko: So she's alive.

Ozai: Perhaps... Now I realize that banishment is far to merciful a penalty for treason. Your penalty will be far steeper... (The eclipse ends, and Ozai strikes Zuko with lightning, only for Zuko to direct it back to him, knocking Ozai off his feet)

Aang: Where is he?! Where's the Fire Lord?!

Azula: Hmm. You mean I'm not good enough for you? You're hurting my feelings.

Sokka: Stop wasting our time and give us the information! You're powerless, so you're in no position to refuse.

Toph: And stick to the truth. I'll be able to tell if you're lying.

Azula: Are you sure? I'm a pretty good liar. I am a 400 foot tall purple platypus-bear with pink horns and silver wings.

(pause)

Toph: Okay, you're good, I admit it. (bends the earth underneath Azula so that it encases her is a conical shape) But you really ought to consider telling the truth anyway.

Sokka: Wait! Toph, Aang, stop attacking! Don't you see what she's doing? She's just playing with us! She's not even trying to win this fight.

Azula: Not true. I'm giving it my all.

Toph: You're trying to keep us here and waste all our time!

Azula: Right. I think your friend just said that, genius. And since you can't see, I should tell you, I'm rolling my eyes.

Toph (angrily): I'll roll your whole head!

Sokka: She's just baiting you again.

Zuko: For so long, all I wanted was you to love me, to accept me. I thought it was my honor that I wanted, but really, I was just trying to please you. You, my father, who banished me just for talking out of turn. My father, who challenged me, a 13-year-old boy, to an Agni Kai. How can you possibly justify a duel with a child?

Ozai: (bitterly) It was to teach you respect.

Zuko: It was cruel! And it was wrong.

Ozai: Then you have learned nothing.

Zuko: No, I've learned everything! And I had to learn it on my own. Growing up, we were taught that the Fire Nation was the greatest civilization in history and somehow, the war was our way of sharing our greatness with the rest of the world. What an amazing lie that was! The people of the world are terrified by the Fire Nation! They don't see our greatness - they hate us! And we deserve it. We've created an era of fear in the world. And if we don't want the world to destroy itself, we need to replace it with an era of peace and kindness.

Ozai: (laughs mockingly) Your Uncle has gotten to you, hasn't he?

Zuko: (closes his eyes for a second, then smiles) Yes. He has.

(Aang flies down on his glider)

Sokka: Please tell me you're here because the Firelord is a big wimp and you didn't need to take him down.

Aang: He wasn't home. No one was. The entire palace city is abandoned.

Toph: This way. That way's a dead end.

Sokka: What would we do without you?

Toph: Perish and burn in magma.

Sokka: Yeah, pretty much!

(Tyro to firebending guards)

Tyro: Stop! Surrender peacefully and we won't harm you.

Guards: We will never surrender!

(Guard does some fancy firebending move but nothing happens due to the solar eclipse)

Guard: Ok. We surrender.

Azula: (To Aang, Sokka and Toph) Oh, looks like the firebending's back on.

Chapter 12: The Western Air Temple

Zuko: Hello, Zuko here. But I guess you probably already know me, sort of. Uh so, the thing is I have a lot of Firebending experience and I'm considered to be pretty good at it. Well you've seen me... you know when I was attacking you? Uh yeah, I guess I should apologize for that, but anyway I'm good now. I mean, I thought I was good before but now I realize I was bad, but anyway... I think it's time I joined your group and taught the Avatar Firebending.

(Camera zooms out to show Zuko is talking to a big frog. The frog croaks)

Zuko: Well, what's your answer!?

(The frog jumps on Zuko's head, then leaps away)

Zuko: Yeah, that's what I'd say too.

(Zuko is alone)

Zuko: How am I supposed to convince these people that I'm on their side? What would uncle do? (imitating Iroh) Zuko, you have to look within yourself to save yourself from your other self. Only then will your true self reveal itself. Ugh, even when I'm talking for him I can't figure out what he means. What would Azula do? (imitating Azula) Listen Avatar, I can join your group, or I can do something unspeakably horrible to you and your friends. Your choice! (looks at frog) I guess I'm not that good at impersonations.

Zuko: Why am I so bad at being good?

[Sokka strikes the Combustion Man with his boomerang]

Sokka: Yeah, boomerang!

[Everyone witnesses the Combustion Man stand up almost immediately]

Sokka: [worried] Awww, boomerang!

Katara: (Gazing at Zuko with a dark look) You might have everyone else buying your... "transformation", but you and I both know you've struggled with doing the right thing in the past. So let me tell you something right now. You make one step backward, one slip up, give me one reason to think you might hurt Aang, and you won't have to worry about your destiny anymore. Because I'll make sure your destiny ends, Right then and there. Permanently. (Exits the room, leaving Zuko shocked)

The Duke: I miss Pipsqueak.

Sokka: I miss not having blisters on my feet!

(As the group reach the Western Air Temple)

Toph: We're here!

Katara: (Can't see the temple) Uh, Toph, I think your feet need their eyes checked.

Haru: Come on. I'll race you, Duke.

The Duke: I told you, it's THE Duke!

Zuko: (To himself, after revealing to Aang that he was the one who sent Combustion Man) Ugh, why do I have to be so stupid? How could I tell them that I sent an assassin after them? Couldn't I say that Azula did it? They would've believed that! Stupid! (Hits his head)

Chapter 13 The Firebending Masters

Zuko: (trying to make strong fire blasts and only producing weak flames) Just breathe and... (Punches but only a weak flame come out)

Aang: That one kinda felt hot.

Zuko: (Angrily) Don't patronize me! You know what it's supposed to look like!

Aang: Sorry, Sifu Hotman.

Zuko: (still angry) And stop calling me that!

Zuko (while he and Aang are on their way to the Sun Warriors' ruins): We've been riding for hours. I don't know why, but I thought this thing would be a lot faster! (Appa growls)

Aang: Appa's right, Zuko. In our group, typically we start our missions with a more upbeat attitude.

Zuko (under his breath): Oh, I can't believe this.

Aang: Don't worry. You'll get the hang of it.

Aang: The past can be a great teacher. (trips over a wire, opens a spike trap, and manages to blow himself over it just in time and looks back fearfully) Zuko? I think the past is trying to kill me!

Aang: Zuko, get over here! I want you to dance with me!

Zuko: What?!

Aang (while he and Zuko are still trapped in the chamber with the green glue-like substance): You had to pick up the glowing egg, didn't you?

Zuko: At least I made something happen! If it were up to you, we'd never made across the courtyard!

Aang: HHHEEEEEEEEELLLLLLPPP!

Zuko: Who are you yelling to? Nobody's lived here for centuries!

Aang: Well, what do you think we should do?

Zuko: ...Think about our place in the Universe?

Aang: Please! I don't normally play this card, but I'm the Avatar.

Hob Gao: (in gleeful anticipation) Ohhhhhhh, here it comes. Any moment now. Dinner for the Masters.

Sun Warrior Chief: Quiet, Hob Gao.

Hob Gao: (annoyed) What? Everyone's thinking it.

Sun Warrior Chief: (with a serious face and voice) Now that you have learned the secrets and you know about our tribe's existence... We have no choice but to imprison you here... forever. (Aang and Zuko are completely shocked. The Chief suddenly smiles) Just kidding. (His face and voice go serious again) But seriously, don't tell anyone.

Sokka: (after Zuko and Aang demonstrated the Dancing Dragon moves) Yeah, that's a great dance you two learned there.

Zuko: It's not a dance, it's a Firebending form.

Sokka: We'll just tap dance our way to victory over the Fire Nation.

Zuko: It's a sacred form that happens to be thousands of years old!

Katara: Oh yeah? What's your little form called?

Zuko: ...The Dancing Dragon. (everybody, except Aang and Zuko, laughs)

(Referring to The Masters, whom they are about to meet)

Aang: What if they judge us, and attack us?

Zuko: Well, we're the Fire Prince and the Avatar. I think we can take these guys in a fight, whoever they are.

(After finding out "The Masters" are two enormous, ferocious dragons)

Aang: Still think we can take 'em?

Zuko: Shh! I never said that!

Sokka: Hey Jerks! Mind if I watch you two jerks do your jerkbending?

Zuko: GET OUT OF HERE!

Sokka: Alright geesh, I was just teasing. Jerkbending, Still got it.

Chapter 14 The Boiling Rock Part 1

Zuko (after catching Sokka trying to sneak away on Appa): Not up to anything, huh? (Sokka screams and falls off Appa)

Sokka: Fine, you caught me. I'm gonna go rescue my dad. You happy now?

Zuko (darkly): I'm never happy.

Sokka: Pretty clouds.

Zuko: Yeah.. fluffy. [Sokka begins to whistle due to awkward silence]

Zuko: What?

Sokka: Wha- Oh! I didn't say anything. [Brief silence]

Sokka: You know, a friend of mine designed these war balloons.

Zuko: No kidding.

Sokka: Yep! A balloon... but for war.

Zuko: There's one thing my dad's good at, it's war.

Sokka: Yeah, it seems to run in the family.

Zuko: Hey. Hold on, not everyone in my family is like that.

Sokka: I know. I know, you've changed.

Zuko: I meant my Uncle... He was more than a father to me... And I really let him down.

Sokka: I think your uncle would be proud of you. Leaving your home to come help us. That's hard.

Zuko: It wasn't that hard.

Sokka: Really? You didn't leave anyone behind you care about?

Zuko: Well, I did have a girlfriend. Mai.

Sokka: That gloomy girl who sighs a lot?

Zuko: Yeah. [smiles] Everyone in the Fire Nation thinks I'm a traitor. I couldn't drag her into it.

Sokka: My first girlfriend turned into the moon. [frowns]

Zuko: That's rough, buddy.

Sokka: Oh, good. You guys have met.

Suki: Actually, we met a long time ago.

Zuko: We did?

Suki: Yeah. You kind of burned down my village. (pause)

Zuko: Oh, I'm sorry about that. Nice to see you again.

Warden: Get the fugitives and throw them in the cooler.

Guard: Uh, they are in a cooler, sir.

Warden: ONE THAT'S BOLTED DOWN AND NOT FLOATING IN THE WATER!

Zuko: (trying to comfort Sokka) Oh, what would Uncle say? Sometimes, clouds have two sides- a dark and light, and a silver lining in between. It's like a silver sandwich! So, when life seems hard...take a bite out of the silver sandwich.

Sokka: Maybe we haven't failed after all!

Zuko: That's the spirit! I can't believe that worked. I didn't even know what I was saying.

Sokka: No, what you said made no sense at all. But look! It's Suki!

Zuko:(attemping to inspire Sokka to not quit and stay at the prison and rescue his dad) No, its not Sokka. Look you're going to fail a lot before things work out...

Sokka: This is supposed to make me feel better?!

Zuko: Even though you'll probably fail over and over again...

Sokka: Seriously you're not helping!

Zuko: You have to try every time. You can't quit because you're afraid you might fail.

Chapter 15 The Boiling Rock Part 2

Sokka: (speaking to his father in prison about escaping) And do you know Prince Zuko?

Hakoda: The son of the Fire Lord? I don't know him but I know of him.

Sokka: Well he's here too.

Hakoda: (downcast) Sounds like a major problem.

Sokka: Actually he's on our side now.

(Hakoda looks at him skeptically)

Sokka: I know, I had the same reaction. After all he's done it was really hard trusting him. But he's really proven himself, and I never would have found you without his help.

(The Warden is interrogating a guard that Chit Sang implemented in an escape attempt)

Guard: I'm telling you - it wasn't me!

Warden: Save your breath! I know you've been working together. You threw Chit Sang in the very cooler they used to escape. It was all part of your plan.

Guard: That was just a coincidence!

Guard at door: Sir, there's someone to see you.

Warden: (furiously) Who told you to interrupt me?! (sees Azula and falls to his knees)

Azula: I did.

Warden: (uneasily) Princess Azula... it is an honor to welcome you to the Fire Nation's most exemplary prison. I didn't realize you were coming.

Azula: Who is this? (she approaches and looks at the guard being interrogated)

Warden: He's a guard who was involved in a recent and feeble escape attempt.

Guard: It wasn't me!

Warden: Quiet, you!

Azula: (dryly) You're wasting your time. (turns to leave) That's not one of them.

Warden: How do you know?

Azula: (smirking) Because I'm a people person.

Sokka: Hey, I just got orders. Let all the prisoners out into the yard.

Prison guard: But... we're in the middle of a lockdown.

Sokka: Oh, okay. I'll just tell the warden you said that. I'm sure he will be glad to know about you undermining his authority. What's your name again?

Prison guard: (flailing his arms) Wait. Don't tell the Warden, I… I'm just a little confused.

Sokka: Hey, I'm confused too. But the Warden's in a bad mood and irrational. So if you ask me, it's best not to question it and just do what he says.

Prison guard: Yeah, you're right

(Hakoda sees Azula and Ty Lee)

Hakoda: Wait! Who's that?

Zuko: That's a problem; it's my sister and her friend.

(After Hakoda shoves a prisoner to start a riot)

Prisoner with Scar on his Face: Hey, what did you do that for? That hurt my feelings.

Hakoda: Aren't you mad at me?

Prisoner with Scar on his Face: Well, normally I would be, but I've been learning to control my anger.

(The Boiling Rock prisoners start a riot)

Prisoner with Scar on his Face: Forget about controlling my anger! LET'S RIOT!

Warden (when Suki has her fist close to his face): You wouldn't dare. (Suki spins him around, binds and gags him)

Suki: Sorry, Warden. You're my prisoner now. I've got the warden. Now, let's get out of here. (Hakoda, Sokka, Zuko, and Chit Zang arrive, breathless)

Chief Hakoda: That's some girl.

Sokka: Tell me about it.

Prison guard (when Mai uses her knives to pin his arms to the wall): What are you doing?!

Mai: Saving the jerk who dumped me.

Azula: I never expected this from you. The thing I don't understand is why? Why would you do it? You know the consequences.

Mai: I guess you just don't know people as well as you think you do. You miscalculated. I love Zuko more than I fear you.

Azula: (yelling) No, YOU miscalculated! You should have feared me more! (She and Mai prepare to fight, but Ty Lee suddenly attacks Azula. She gasps and falls down, paralyzed.)

Ty Lee: (runs to Mai) Come on, let's get out of here!

(They attempt to leave, but the guards surround and arrest them. Two guards pick Azula up)

Azula: (growling) You're both fools!

Guard: What shall we do with them, Princess?

Azula: Put them somewhere I'll never have to see their faces again. And let them rot!

Chapter 16 The Southern Raiders

Katara (after Zuko has knocked her out of the way of falling rocks): What are you doing?

Zuko: Keeping rocks from crushing you.

Katara: Okay, I'm not crushed, you can get off me now.

Zuko: I'll take that as a 'thank you'.

Zuko (as Azula is attacking the temple): What are you doing here?

Azula: You mean it's not obvious yet? I am about to celebrate becoming an ONLY CHILD!

Aang: (jokingly) Is it your turn for a field trip with Zuko?

Katara: (angrily) Yes, it is.

Sokka: Can I borrow Momo for a week?

Aang: Why do you want to borrow Momo? (Sokka shrugs)

Zuko (to Katara): I know who killed your mother. I'm going to help you find him.

Zuko (sees Azula falling): She's... not gonna make it. (Azula saves herself with her firebending and hair pin) Of course she did.

Zuko: This isn't fair. Everyone else seems to trust me now. What is it with you?

Katara: Oh everyone trusts you now? I was the first person to trust you, remember? Back in Ba Sing Se. And you turned around and betrayed me. Betrayed all of us!

Zuko: What can I do to make it up to you?

Katara: You really wanna know? Hm, maybe you could reconquer Ba Sing Se in the name of the Earth King? Or, I know, you could bring my mother back!

Aang: Wow, camping. It really seems like old times again, doesn't it?

Zuko: If you really want it to feel like old times again, I could... chase you around for a while and try to capture you. (everybody, except Katara, laughs)

[In a flashback, the leader of the Southern Raiders Fire Navy division is interrogating Katara's Mother, Kya, to reveal the identity of the last Waterbender.]

Kya: If I tell you, do you promise to leave the rest of the village alone?

Yon Rha: [Nods in assent]

Kya: ...It's me. Take me as your prisoner.

Yon Rha: [ cruel smile] I'm afraid I'm not taking prisoners today...

[Back in the present.]

Katara: She lied to you. She was protecting the last Waterbender.

Yon Rha: What? Who?!

Katara: Me!

(Katara raises her hands and the rain suddenly stops all around them and reforms into a huge dome of water; she sends a rush of water at Yon Rha, transforming it into ice daggers that stop just short of killing him; suddenly, Katara relents and lets them melt)

Yon Rha: [Drops to his knees in terror] I did a bad thing! I know I did and you deserve revenge, so why don't you take my mother? That would be fair!

Katara: I always wondered what kind of person could do such a thing, but now that I see you, I think I understand. There's just nothing inside you, nothing at all. You're pathetic and sad and empty.

Yon Rha: Please, spare me!

Katara But as much as I hate you... I just can't do it.

Katara: I wanted to do it. I wanted to take out all my anger at him. But... I couldn't. I don't know if it's because I'm too weak to do it, or if it's because I'm strong enough not to.

(After a conversation about Yon Rha)

Katara: I'm not ready to forgive him. (She walks up to Zuko) But I am ready to forgive you. (She hugs Zuko and walks away)

Zuko: You were right about what Katara needed; violence wasn't the answer.

Aang: It never is.

Zuko: Then I have a question for you. What are you going to do when you face my father? (Aang turns his head back in fear)

Chapter 17 The Ember Island Players

Sokka: You guys are not gonna believe this... there's a play about us!

Suki: We were just in town and we saw this poster! [reveals poster about the play]

Katara: What? How is that possible?

Sokka: Listen to this: "The Boy In The Iceberg is a production of acclaimed playwright Pu-On Tim. We scoured the globe gathering information about the Avatar, from the icy South Pole to the heart of Ba Sing Se. Sources include singing nomads, pirates, prisoners of war, and a surprisingly knowledgeable merchant of cabbage."

Actor Iroh: Prince Zuko, you must try this cake.

Actor Zuko: I dont have time to stuff my face. I must capture the Avatar and regain my honor.

Actor Iroh: While you do that, maybe I'll capture another slice. (Starts eating the cake)

Actor Zuko: You sicken me.

Real Zuko: (about the play): They made me look stiff and completely humorless.

Real Katara: Actually, I think that actor's pretty spot on.

Real Zuko: How can you say that?!

Actor Iroh: Let's forget about the Avatar, and get massages.

Actor Zuko: HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?! (Katara grins, and Zuko pouts)

Actor Sokka: Why did you have to steal that waterbending scroll?

Actor Katara: (crying hysterically) It just gave me so much hope!

Real Katara: (Sticks her tongue out in disgust)

Zuko: So far, this intermission is the best part of the play.

Sokka: Apparently, the playwright thinks I'm an idiot who tells bad jokes about meat all the time.

Suki: Yeah. You tell bad jokes about plenty of other topics.

Sokka: I know!

Aang: At least the Sokka actor kinda looks like you. But that woman playing the Avatar doesn't resemble me at all!

Toph: I don't know. You are more in touch with your feminine side than most guys.

[Aang growls]

Katara: Relax, Aang. They're not accurate portrayals. It's not like I'm a preachy crybaby who can't resist giving over-emotional speeches about hope all the time.

[Everyone looks at Katara.]

Katara: What?

Aang: Yeah... that's not you at all.

Actor Azula: You caught me. Wait! What's that? I think it's your honor!

Actor Zuko: Where?!

Actor Jet [zombie-like]: Must serve Earth King! Must destroy! [A paper rock glides down while he babbles incoherently] Noooooooo! [Half of it falls on him, crawls the rest of the way in]

Zuko: Did Jet just...die?

Sokka: You know, it was really unclear...

The scene is when Zuko joins Azula during 'Crossroads of Destiny'.

Actor Zuko: I hate you, Uncle! You smell! And I hate you for all time!

Katara: [Shocked] You didn't really say that, did you?

Zuko: [Ashamed] I might as well have.

During the intermission, a boy dressed up as Aang passes the real Zuko and Toph

Boy: Hey, your Zuko costume is pretty good, but your scar is on the wrong side.

Zuko: [furiously] THE SCAR IS NOT ON THE WRONG SIDE!

Suki: It seems every time there's a big battle you guys barely make it out alive. I mean, you guys lose a lot.

Sokka: You're one to talk Suki. Didn't Azula take you captive? That's right, she did! (Suki narrows her eyes)

Suki (completely calm): Are you trying to get on my bad side?

Sokka: I'm just saying.

Katara: Are you alright?

Aang: No, I'm not. I hate this play!

Katara: I know it's upsetting, but it sounds like you're overreacting...

Aang: Overreacting!? If I hadn't blocked my chakra, I'd probably be in the Avatar State right now!

Toph: Geez, everyone is getting so upset about their characters. Even you seem more down than usual. And that's saying something.

Zuko: You don't get it. It's different for you. You get a muscly version of yourself taking down ten bad guys at once and making sassy remarks.

Toph: Yeah, that's pretty great.

Zuko: But for me, it takes all the mistakes I have made in my life and shoves them back in my face. My uncle. He's always been on my side even when thing were bad. He was there for me. He taught me so much. And how do I repay him? With a knife in his back. It's my greatest regret and I may never get to redeem myself.

Toph: You have redeemed yourself to your uncle. You don't realize it, but you already have.

Zuko: How do you know?

Toph: Beacause I once had a long conversation with the guy. And all he would talk about was you.

Zuko: Really?

Toph: Yeah, and it was kind of annoying.

Zuko: Oh, sorry.

Toph: But it was also very sweet. All your uncle wanted was for you to follow your own path and see the light. Now you're here with us. He'd be proud. (Toph punches him on the shoulder)

Zuko: Ow! What was that for?!

Toph: That's how I show affection.

(Zuko's hair is really spiky and long)

Actor Iroh: Zuko, it's time we we had a talk... about your hair! It's gone too far!"

Zuko: That... Wasn't a good play.

Aang: I'll say.

Katara: No kidding.

Suki: Horrible.

Toph: You said it.

Sokka: But the effects were decent.

Aang: Katara, did you really mean what you said in there?

Katara: In where? What are you talking about?

Aang: Onstage, when you said I was just like a brother to you and that you didn't have feelings for me...

Katara: I didn't say that! An actor said that.

Aang: But it's true, isn't it. (sadly) We kissed at the invasion... and I thought we were gonna be together... but we're not.

Katara: Aang... I don't know.

Aang: Why don't you know?

Katara: Because, we're in the middle of a war and we have other things to worry about. This isn't the right time.

Aang: (impatiently) Well, when is the right time?

Katara: Aang, I'm sorry, but right now, I'm just a little confused. (Aang leans in and kisses Katara, who backs away furiously) I just said I was confused! ...I'm going inside. (runs away)

Aang: (hits his head and groans) Aaargh, I'm such an idiot!

Sokka: I guess that's it. (He stands up and stretches) The play's caught up to the present now.

Suki: Wait. (she tugs on Sokka's shirt and drags him back down to his seat) The play's not over.

Sokka: But it is over. (He puts his hand on his chin in deep thought) Unless… (Camera zooms in on his face, his face lights up mysteriously and spooky music being to play) this is the future?

Chapters 18, 19, 20 & 21: Sozin's Comet

The Phoenix King

Katara: What happened!?

Sokka: Zuko's gone crazy! I made a sand sculpture of Suki (tries to pick up the fallen sand to mould the sculpture back into shape) and he destroyed it! Oh, and he's attacking Aang.

Katara: Get over here, Zuko. Being part of the group also means being part of group hugs.

Sokka: All right! Team Avatar is back! (camera zooms to Aang) Air, (camera zooms to Katara) water, (camera zooms to Toph) earth, (camera zooms to Zuko) fire- (camera zooms back to Sokka and Suki as Sokka grabs a bunch of leaves and hands them to Suki, taking a longer leaf and holding it in the air) fan, and sword! (his leaf limps)

Toph: I am not Toph! I am Melon Lord! (Toph laughs maniacally)

Toph: So I get to chuck flaming rocks at all of you?

Sokka: Whatever makes the training seem more realistic.

Toph: Sweetness!

Toph: Wait a minute...has anyone noticed that Momo's missing too?

Sokka: (horrified) Oh no...I knew it was only a matter of time! (runs to Appa) Appa ate Momo!(opens Appa's mouth) Momo, I'm coming for ya, buddy!

Katara: Sokka, Appa didn't eat Momo. He's probably with Aang.

Sokka: That's just what Appa wants you to think!

(climbs into Appa's mouth)

Zuko: Get out of the bison's mouth, Sokka.

General Shinu: Ba Sing Se is still under our control. However, Earthbender rebellions has prevented us from achieving total victory.

Ozai: What is your recommendation?

General Shinu: Our army is spread too thin. But once the eclipse is over and the invasion defeated, we should transfer more domestic forces into the Earth Kingdom.

Ozai: Hmm, Prince Zuko, you've been among the Earth Kingdom commoners. Do you think adding more troops will stop these rebellions?

Zuko: The people of the Earth Kingdom are proud and strong. They can endure anything as long as they have hope.

Ozai: Yes, you're right. We need to destroy their hope.

Zuko: Well, that's not exactly what I...

Azula: I say you should take their precious hope and the rest of their land and burn it all to the ground.

Ozai: Yes. Yes, you're right, Azula.

Ozai: Sozin's Comet is almost upon us and on that day will endow us with the strength and power of a hundred suns. No bender will stand a chance against us.

General Shinu: What are you suggesting, sir?

Ozai: When the Comet last came, my grandfather, Fire Lord Sozin used it to wipe out the Air Nomads. Now I will use its power to end the Earth Kingdom... permanently! From our airships we will rain fire over their lands. A fire that will destroy everything. And out of the ashes, a new world will be born. A world in which all the lands are Fire Nation and I will be the supreme ruler of everything!

[About defeating the Fire Lord without killing him]

Aang: Maybe we can make some big pots of glue and then I could use gluebending to stick his arms and legs together so he can't bend anymore.

Zuko: Yeah. Then you can show him his baby pictures and all those happy memories will make him good again.

Aang: (eagerly) Do you really think that would work?

Zuko: No!

Aang: This goes against everything I learned from the monks. I can't just go around wiping out people I don't like.

Sokka: Sure you can! You're the Avatar. If it's in the name of keeping balance I'm pretty sure the universe will forgive you.

Katara: I have a surprise for everyone!

Toph: I knew it! You did have a secret thing with Haru!

(Everyone stares)

Azula: Sorry I'm late, Father. Good palanquin bearers are so hard to come by these days. So, is everything ready for our departure?

Ozai: There has been a change of plans, Azula.

Azula: What?!

Ozai: I've decided to lead the fleet of airships to Ba Sing Se alone. You will remain here in the Fire Nation.

Azula: But I thought we were going to do this together!

Ozai: My decision is final.

Azula: You... you can't treat me like this. You can't treat me like Zuko!

Ozai: Azula, silence yourself!

Azula: But it was my idea to burn everything to the ground! I deserve to be by your side!

Ozai: Azula! Listen to me... I need you here to watch over the homeland, it's a very important job that I can only entrust to you.

Azula: Really?

Ozai: And for your loyalty, I've decided to declare you the new Fire Lord.

Azula: "Fire Lord Azula?"... it does seem appropriate. But, what about you?

Ozai: Fire Lord Ozai is no more. Just as the world will be reborn in fire, I shall be reborn as the supreme ruler of the world. From this moment on, I will be known as... the "Phoenix King"!

The Old Masters

Sokka: Hey, I remember her. She helped you attack us!

Zuko: Yup, back in the good ol' days.

June: Oh great. It's Prince Pouty. Where's your creepy grandpa?

Zuko: He's my uncle... and he's not here.

June: I see you worked things out with your girlfriend.

Katara and Zuko together:

Katara: I'm not his girlfriend!

Zuko: She's not my girlfriend! ()

June: Okay, okay, sheesh! I was only teasing. So what do you want?

Zuko: I need your help finding the Avatar.

June: Hm. Doesn't sound too fun.

Zuko: Does the end of the world sound like more fun?!

(June and Nyla being "friendly")

June: Nyla! (Throws juicy meat to Nyla).

June: Who's my little, mmm, shnuffly, wuffly.

(Nyla attacks)

June: Whoa! Careful there. Okay, so who's got something with the Avatar's scent on it?

Katara: I have Aang's staff.

(Nyla searches, but finds that Aang is no where he can smell.)

Zuko: Well, what does that mean?

June: Means you're friend's gone!

Toph: We know he's gone, that's why we're trying to find him.

June: No I mean he's gone gone. He doesn't exist!

Aang: Where are we Momo? Maybe I'm in the spirit world? But wait, you can see me. We could both be in the spirit world. (Airbends). Nope, my bending works. Maybe if we climb to the top of the island, we can figure out where we are.

Sokka: What do you mean, Aang doesn't "exist." Do you mean he's, you know, dead?

June: Nope, we could find him if he were dead. Ah, that's a real headscratcher. See ya!

Toph: Helpful, real Helpful!

Zuko: Wait, I have another idea. There's only one other person in this world who can help us face the firelord. I'll be right back with a smell sample.

Bumi: Well, look who's here. (Katara and Sokka smile)

Zuko: Uncle, you're the only person other than the Avatar who can possibly defeat the father Lord.

Toph: (realizing what Zuko said): You mean the Fire Lord.

Zuko: (sharply) That's what I just said.

Sokka (after finding Pakku married Gran-Gran): Welcome to the family, Gramp-Gramp!

Pakku: You can still just call me Pakku.

Sokka: How about Grampakku?!

Pakku: No.

Suki: But wait! How do you all know each other?

Bumi: All old people know each other, don't you know that?

Piandao: We're all part of the same ancient secret society, a group that transcends the divisions of the Four Nations.

Zuko: The Order of the White Lotus.

Bumi: That's the one!

Bumi: Wait! Someone's missing from your group! Someone very important! (King Bumi leans into Sokka's face, wide eyed, they are nose to nose) (pause) Where's Momo?

Sokka: He's gone... and so is Aang.

Bumi: Oh, well. So long as they have each other, I'm sure we have nothing to worry about. Let's go. (he Earthbends himself in the air and laughs crazily)

Bumi About the right time to strike: "I didn't know what or when, but I knew I'd know it when I knew it!"

Fire Nation Guard (during the eclipse): What do your think you're doing?

[The guards try to firebend, but can't because of the eclipse.]

Bumi: Taking back my city. You've got no firepower and it's payback time.

Bumi: So what about you guys? Did you do anything interesting on the day of the eclipse?

(Sokka and Zuko look at each other)

Zuko: Nah.

Sokka: No, not really.

Zuko apologizes to Iroh for his previous betrayal at Ba Sing Se

Zuko: Uncle, I know you must have mixed feelings about seeing me. But I want you to know... I am so, so sorry uncle. (starts crying) I am so sorry and ashamed of what I did! I don't know how I can ever make it up to you, but I...

(Iroh grabs Zuko by his shirt and embraces him)

Zuko: How can you forgive me so easily?! I thought you would be furious with me!

Iroh: I was never angry with you. I was sad, because I was afraid you'd lost your way.

Zuko: I did lose my way.

Iroh: But you found it again! And you did it by yourself! And I'm so happy you found your way here.

Zuko: It wasn't that hard uncle. You have a pretty strong scent.

Avatar Roku: If I had been more decisive, and acted sooner, I could have stopped Sozin, and stopped the war before it started. I offer you this wisdom, Aang, you must be decisive.

Avatar Kyoshi: In my day, Chin the Conqueror threatened to throw the world out of balance. I stopped him, and the world entered a great era of peace.

Aang: But you didn't really kill Chin; technically, he fell to his own doom because he was too stubborn to get out of the way.

Avatar Kyoshi: Personally, I don't really see the difference, but I assure you, I would have done whatever it took to stop Chin. I offer you this wisdom, Aang, only justice will bring peace.

Aang: I knew I shouldn't have asked Kyoshi.

Avatar Kuruk: I lost the woman I loved, to Koh, the face stealer. It was my fault. If I had been more attentive and more active, I could have saved her. Aang, you must actively shape your own destiny and the destiny of the world.

Aang: All these past Avatars, they keep telling me I'm gonna have to do it. They don't get it.

Momo makes some incomprehensible sound.

Aang: You're right! Maybe an Air Nomad Avatar will understand where I'm coming from.

Momo stares.

Aang: I know you can't really talk. Pretending you can helps me think.

Momo makes some more sound.

Aang: I'm going to pretend I didn't pretend to hear that.

Avatar Yangchen: Here is my wisdom for you: selfless duty calls for you to sacrifice your own spiritual needs, and do whatever it takes to protect the world.

Aang: (to Momo, after Yangchen disappears) I guess I don't have a choice, Momo. I have to kill the Fire Lord.

Zuko: So if I'm going to be Fire Lord after the war is over, what are you gonna do?

Iroh: After I reconquer Ba Sing Se, I'm going to reconquer my tea shop! (flips the White Lotus Tile) And I'm going to play Pai Sho every day.

Katara: Goodbye, General Iroh!

Iroh: Goodbye, everyone. Today, destiny is our friend. I know it.

Lion Turtle: The true mind can weather all the lies and illusions without being lost. The true heart can tough the poison of hatred without being harmed. Since beginningless time, darkness thrives in the void, but always yields to purifying light.

Ozai: It's time for this world to end in fire, and for a new world to be born from the ashes.

Into the Inferno

Suki: It's weird to say, but the comet actually looks beautiful.

Toph: Too bad the Fire Lord's about to use it to destroy the world.

(Azula is shown in front of a large mirror, getting ready for her coronation. She tries to fix her own hair, but it keeps falling out of place.)

Azula: All right hair, it's time to face your doom. (she cuts her bangs and smiles crazily at her reflection. Her face falls at the sight of her mother in the mirror.)

Ursa: What a shame. You always had such beautiful hair.

Azula: What are you doing here?

Ursa: I didn't want to miss my own daughter's coronation.

Azula: Don't pretend to act proud. I know what you really think of me. You think I'm a monster.

Ursa: I think you're confused. All your life, you've used fear to control people, like your friends Mai and Ty Lee.

Azula: But what choice do I have?! Trust is for fools! Fear is the only reliable way! [more quietly] Even you fear me.

Ursa: No. I love you, Azula. I do.

(Azula's lower lip trembles as tears begin to run down her face. She yells, throwing her hairbrush at the mirror and shatters it. Azula then falls to the floor and cries, clearly alone, and hallucinating.)

Dai Li agent: You sent for us, Princess? Is everything all right?

Azula: Actually, everything's not all right. You know how long it took you to get here?

Dai Li agent: Uh, a few minutes, I guess.

Azula: Five, to be precise. In which time an assassin could have snuck in, done away with me and been on his merry way.

Dai Li agent: My apologies, Princess.

Azula: Is this how you plan to treat your new Fire Lord? With tardiness and disloyalty?

Dai Li agent: The Dai Li would never betray you!

Azula: And I'm sure that's just what you told Long Feng before you turned against him and joined me. (pause) You're all banished!

Dai Li agent: But-

Azula: Goodbye! Please send in the next group on your way out.

After Toph took out a few Firebenders

Sokka: Good work, Toph. Time to take control of the ship. Take the wheel.

Toph: (sarcastically) That's a great idea, let the blind girl steer the giant airship.

Sokka: I was talking to Suki.

Toph: That would make a lot more sense.

Sokka: (posing as the captain of the airship) Attention crew, this is your captain speaking. Everyone please report to the bomb bay immediately for hotcakes and sweet cream. We have a very special birthday to celebrate.

(cut to the bomb bay):

Quin Lee: Hey, I'm Quin Lee. I work up in communications.

Fire Nation Engineer: Oh, hi. I work down in the engine room. That's probably why we never met before. Big airship, you know.

Quin Lee: Yep. (a pause) So, do you know who's birthday it is?

Firebender: I can't believe the captain remembered my birthday. He really does care!

(The bomb bay hatch opens, dropping the entire crew in the sea)

Fire Nation Engineer: (surfaces from the water) Happy birthday.

Sokka: Fire Lord Ozai, here we come!

Iroh: Only once every hundred years can a Firebender experience this kind of power.

Lo: Azula, we've heard what happened.

Li: Why have you banished all your servants?

Lo: And your Dai Li agents?

Li: And the Imperial Firebenders?

Azula: None of them could be trusted. Sooner or later they all would have betrayed me, just like Mai and Ty Lee did.

Lo & Li: Azula, we are concerned for you and your well-being.

Azula: My father asked you to come down here and talk to me, didn't he? He thinks I can't handle the responsibility of being Fire Lord. But I will be the greatest leader in Fire Nation history.

Lo: I am sure you will, but considering everything that has happened today.

Li: Perhaps it's best if we postpone your coronation.

Azula: (turns around) What?! Which one of you just said that?

(Lo and Li point at each other)

Azula: What a shame. There's only one way to settle this. You two must duel each other! I order you to fight an Agni Kai!

Lo: But...

Lo & Li: We're not Firebenders.

Azula: All right, fine. (points at Li) Lo, you're banished, (points at Lo) Li, you can stay. (walks away)

Li: But I'm Li. So who's banished?

Lo: (shrugs)

Ozai: After generations of Fire Lords failed to find you, now the universe delivers you to me as an act of providence.

Aang: Please listen to me! We don't have to fight. You have the power to end it here and stop what you're doing.

Ozai: You're right, I do have the power. I have all the power in the WORLD!

Sokka: Go, Aang! Airbending slice! (makes chopping action)

Suki: Shouldn't we help him?

Sokka: (thinks about it for a second and gets serious) The Fire Lord is Aang's fight. We need to stop those airships from destroying the Earth Kingdom.

Toph: (as Sokka moves to look out the window towards the airships behind him) And how do we do that, Captain Boomerang? I can't see outside this giant hunk of metal.

Sokka: (turns back to the others gleefully, making another chopping motion) Airship slice!

Zuko and Azula are about to begin their Agni Kai

Azula: I'm sorry it has to end this way, brother!

Zuko: No you're not.

Zuko: (to Azula during their Agni Kai) No lightning today? What's the matter, afraid I'll redirect it?

Azula: Oh, I'll show you lightning!

Ozai: You're weak, just like the rest of your people! They did not deserve to exist in this world - in my world! Prepare to join them! Prepare to die!

Avatar Aang

Sokka: Have I ever mentioned how sweet it is that you invented metalbending?

Toph: You could stand to mention it more.

Sokka: [holding onto Toph] I don't think Boomerang is coming back, Toph. It looks like this is the end.

Toph: [tears come out of her eyes]

[A group of fire benders stand ready to attack Sokka and Toph, when another air ship crashes into them]

Toph: How did that happen? Did Boomerang come back?

Sokka: [smiling] No, Suki did.

Azula: (laughs maniacally) I'd really rather have our family physician look after little Zuzu if you don't mind.

Zuko: (After Katara heals him, whispering) Thank you, Katara.

Katara: (Tears running down her face) I think I'm the one who should be thanking you.

[Azula has been watching in fury; she exhales uncontrollably, breathing fire out of her mouth, screaming and rolling around and falling on her back; Zuko and Katara watch, stunned, as she sobs hysterically]

Aang: [in the Avatar State, with the voice of the previous Avatars] Fire Lord Ozai, you and your forefathers have devastated the balance of this world. And now, you shall pay the ultimate price!

Aang [refusing to kill Ozai, looking away]: No, I'm not going to end it like this.

Ozai: Even with all the power in the world, you are still weak.

Lion Turtle:In the era before the Avatar, we bent not the elements, but the energy within ourselves. To bend another's energy, your own spirit must be unbendable or you will be corrupted and destroyed.

Ozai: What...what did you do to me?

Aang: I took away your firebending. You can't use it to hurt or threaten anyone else ever again.

Suki: (Examining a motionless Ozai) So, did you...you know...finish the job?

Ozai: (Menacing) I'm still alive. (Suki flinches back)

Aang: I learned there was another way to defeat him and restore balance. I took his bending away.

Toph: Wow, who taught you that?

Aang: [in a matter-of-fact tone] A giant Lion Turtle.

Toph: (shakes her head and smiles) You have the craziest adventures when you disappear.

Sokka: Well, look at you, buster. Now that your firebending is gone, I guess we should call you the Loser Lord.

Ozai: I am the Phoenix King. (with a groan he falls facedown)

Toph: Oh sorry, didn't mean to offend you, Phoenix King of getting his butt whooped.

Suki: Yeah, or how about King of the... guys who... don't win?

Toph: Leave the nicknames to us, honey.

Zuko: Mai, you're okay. They let you out of prison?

Mai: My uncle pulled some strings. And it doesn't hurt when the new Fire Lord is your boyfriend.

Zuko: So...Does it mean you don't hate me anymore?

Mai: I think it means, I actually kind of like you.

[They kiss]

Mai: (taps his shoulder with her finger twice) But don't ever break up with me again. (Zuko smiles looking scared)

Sokka: There's my favorite warriors. I gotta say, I kinda missed the face paint. So, how's it feel to be back in uniform?

Ty Lee: [coming out from behind the other Kyoshi Warriors] It feels great. [Sokka jumps between Suki and Ty Lee]

Sokka: Careful, Suki. Ty Lee's pretending to be a Kyoshi Warrior again.

Suki: It's okay. She's one of us now. [Sokka stammers and looks at Suki and Ty Lee in shock]

Ty Lee: Yeah. The girls and I really bonded in prison. And after a few chi blocking lessons, they said I could join their group. (she puts her arms around two of the warriors) We're gonna be best friends forever. (they all smile, the two warriors looking a bit awkward)

Zuko: I can't believe a year ago my purpose in life was hunting you down. And now...

Aang: And now we're friends.

Zuko: (he looks away a little, touched) Yeah, we are friends.

Aang: I can't believe a year ago I was still frozen in a block of ice. The world's so different now. (Zuko walks up to him)

Zuko: And it's gonna be even more different. We'll rebuild it together. (they hug)

Zuko: Please, the real hero is the Avatar. Today this war is finally over. I promised my uncle that I would restore the honor of the Fire Nation and I will. The road ahead of us is challenging. A hundred years of fighting has left the world scarred and divided. But with the Avatar's help we can get it back on the right path, and begin a new era of love and peace.

[Zuko is crowned Fire Lord]

Great Fire Sage: All hail Fire Lord Zuko.

Ozai: (dryly) I should count myself lucky that the new Fire Lord has graced me with his presence in my lowly prison cell.

Zuko: You should count yourself lucky that the Avatar spared your life. Banishing me was they best thing you did for my life. It put me on the right path. Perhaps your time in here could do the same for you.

Ozai: (eyes narrow) Why are you really here?

Zuko: Because you're going to tell me something. (kneels down to look his father into the eye) Where... is... my mother?

Sokka: Zuko, stop moving. I'm trying to capture the moment. I wanted to do a painting so we always remember the good times together.

Katara: That's very thoughtful of you, Sokka. (sees the painting, her eyes narrow) Wait. Why did you give me Momo's ears?

Sokka: [offended] Those are your hair loops!

Zuko: (comes over, eyes narrowed also.) At least you don't look like boar-cupine. My hair is not that spiky!

Mai: I look like a man.

Suki: And why did you paint me firebending?

Sokka: I thought it would look more exciting that way

[Momo makes a sound]

Sokka: Oh, you think you can do a better job, Momo?

Iroh: Hey, my belly is not that big anymore. I really trimmed down.

Toph: Well, I think you all look perfect.

(They all laugh because Toph is blind so she can't see Sokka's painting)


	6. Chapter 5 Rising Action

Sonic Adventure

Amy Rose

Gee. I'm bored. Every day is the same old thing. Same place, different day. I miss the good ol' days, having Sonic around. Ahh... chasing bad guys and blowing them away, hee hee! But now he's gone, and there's nothing left to do. There was always something to do when Sonic was around. I really miss him.

OW! Watch where you're going! Hey, are you okay?! You look kinda hurt.

Look! It says "Cute couples can get in free."

I pity you.

(When she sees Sonic in front of the Casino) Oh, Sonic! (sighs) My hero! So-nic!

(Sees Zero after Birdie is attacked) You idiot! How could you do this?! (Draws hammer) NOW YOU'RE GONNA GET IT!

Dr. Eggman

Behold! It's a tailed frog! Very unique.

Silence! I am Dr. Robotnik, the greatest scientific genius in the world!

Behold my floating masterpiece, the Egg Carrier! But, it pales in comparison to the power of Chaos. Adieu! Until we meet again my friends! Ha ha ha ha ha!

Dummies, dummies, dummies, dummies! None of you got the right one!

Arrgh! Oh no, it was a dud! I can't believe this!

You know nothing, fool! It's Chaos! The god of destruction!

Arrgh! He's not going to get away with this!

Get a load of this!

(When he goes far from Tails) Goodbye, Tails!

(When Tails passes him) Tails, wait for me!

No way! I can't believe this!

Away! Before I make mincemeat out of you!

Ooh, I hate that Sonic. He always seems to get in my way. But he can't spoil my master plan.

Chaos!

This Egg Carrier 2 was built in case something like this would happen. You have defied your master, stupid beast! Now you must be destroyed at all costs!

Why you little!

I win! Mwahahahahahahahaha!

You think you can keep up with me?

What? He's caught up!

Ha ha ha! See if you can make it through here, Sonic!

Ha ha! It's no use! Give up!

E-102 Gamma

Must determine location [Pause] Accessing data. [Pause] No data found. Location unknown. [Pause] This presents a problem...

Doctor Robotnik... enemy. Master Registration... deleted. E-Series... friends. Must save...

Frog-capture complete!

Resistance is futile! (Said during battle with Sonic/Tails)

Does not compute... Why protect something that has not use to you? Does not compute. (Said when taking bird from Amy before freeing her.)

Mission failed...

Beta? (said after seeing E-101 Beta in the repair room next to the Hot Shelter)

(After seeing Beta in the repair room) ...This is the wrong room.

Activity cease.

Knuckles the Echidna

As far back as I can remember, I've been living here on this dark island. Always guarding the Master Emerald from anything that could harm it. I don't know why I was given this job, why it was my fate, destined to be here forever...

I'll probably be on this floating island forever, guarding the Master Emerald again. I may not know the whole story behind this, but perhaps it's better that way. I'm at peace once more.

He stole my Chaos Emeralds... and Chaos... is still alive...

HEY! GET BACK HERE, YOU CREEP!

It's that creature again... He saved me the trouble of looking for him. Now I'll get him GOOD!

Miles "Tails" Prower

I've changed a lot since I started hanging with Sonic, but I can't depend on him forever. I know I can do this by myself! Okay, Eggman! Bring it on!

All's well that ends well, right?

That's Eggman! I wonder what happened to Sonic?

(When Eggman threatens to crush him with the Egg Walker) I'm not scared. I'm not scared... I can do this!

Sonic the Hedgehog

Tails, long time no see.

Hey, I'll play with you some other time! (said after boss fight)

Smooth move, Knucklehead!

Way to go, ya Knucklehead!

Guess Eggman learned his lesson, yep. And maybe I'll take another vacation somewhere...

This place, it looks familiar... it's not a dream after all!

Look! A giant talking egg!

Hey guys, take care (after boss battle)

You gotta be kidding! (when Amy asks him to be the Flicky's bodyguard)

Ready... GO! (using Light Dash)

You made it! (when Tails catches up/passes him)

Hey, hey, hey! (when he passes Tails)

See you later, Tails! (when he goes very far ahead of Tails)

Hooray! (when he goes very far ahead of Tails)

Conversations

Doctor Eggman: Ahaha! If it isn't Sonic!

Sonic the Hedgehog: (sarcastically) Look! It's a giant talking egg!

Miles "Tails" Prower: (playing along) It's Eggman!

Doctor Eggman: Silence! I am Doctor Robotnik, the greatest scientific genius in the world!

Sonic the Hedgehog: Whatever you say, Eggman.

Doctor Eggman: Enough! I want all of the Chaos Emeralds! Better not interfere,or else!

Sonic the Hedgehog: Or else what, ya big loser?!

Doctor Eggman: Or else I'll take them away from you by force the hard way! (The Egg Carrier has changed shape)

Miles "Tails" Prower: Oh wow! It changed shape! Did you see that?!

Sonic the Hedgehog: (Gives Tails a "Thank you, Captain Obvious" look) Now how are we gonna get to that bridge?!

Miles "Tails" Prower: I hate it when he doesn't listen to me!

(Sonic and Tails are about to land on the Egg Carrier in their plane)

Sonic the Hedgehog: Tails! We gotta land on the Egg Carrier!

Miles "Tails" Prower: Oops. I forgot something...

Sonic the Hedgehog: What's that?

Miles "Tails" Prower: There's no landing gear in this mode!

Sonic the Hedgehog: What?!

Doctor Eggman: (Panting) So you beat me to the missile, you little pest! No matter, I'm gonna destroy Station Square anyway! (flies up and drops down in the Egg Walker) You little fool. Away, before I make mince meat out of you!

Miles "Tails" Prower: I'm not scared. I'm not scared! I can do this!

Knuckles: Sonic... Sorry...

Sonic: Knuckles...and Eggman... What happened here?

Knuckles: He stole my Chaos Emeralds... and Chaos... is still alive!

Sonic: What?

Dr. Eggman: Arrgh! He's not gonna get away with this!

Knuckles: Hey, Eggman! Wait up!

(Eggman got away)

Knuckles: Sonic. Chaos is a fearsome beast. If he gets that last Chaos Emerald, we're done for.

Sonic: No need to explain. We'll get on it. Tails?

Miles "Tails" Prower: Right!

Pachacamac: Get out of my way!

Tikal: No way!

Pachacamac: Did you hear what I said?

Tikal: I won't obey!

Pachacamac: We need those 7 Emeralds to give us total power! It's power for the people! And they are your people too, you know! We must get that Emerald!

Tikal: Greed is our enemy! Once it starts, you will always want more! Please don't do this! I beg you!

Pachacamac: BAH! I don't listen to the words of a child! Ready, men? CHARGE!

Tikal: FATHER!

(Pachacamac's army ran right past Tikal and the chao. Then, the Emeralds rise up and Chaos appears)

Pachacamac: AAAAAGH! It's a monster! NOOOOOOOO!

Sonic: I've had enough. Who do you think you are any way?

(the glowing light appears)

Sonic: Oh, it's you. The one... who sealed Chaos... in the Master Emerald... Tikal.

(the light transform into Tikal)

Tikal: My heart has always been in the Master Emerald along with Chaos's. Now he's filled with anger and sadness. And if it goes on... he'll eventually destroy the world like he did before.

(Chaos threw out the Emeralds)

Tikal: Look! He's absorbed the Emeralds' power! He must be sealed in the Master Emerald, now!

Sonic: How can that help? It won't change how he feels inside, will it? His heart will still remain in turmoil... and his anger just won't vanish. He'll just be trapped forever!

Tikal: What choice do we have?

(Big, Tails, and Knuckles found one of the used up Emeralds)

Amy: Hey, Sonic!

Sonic: Amy!

Amy: Here, take this!

(Tails and Knuckles show up)

Sonic: Hey, guys! What's up?

Miles "Tails" Prower: Chaos only used the negative power of the Emeralds. Sonic, you should be able to harness their real power.

Knuckles: As much as I hate to admit it... I think Tails is right about this.

Citizen #1: Go, Sonic!

Citizen #2: Yeah! Sonic!

Citizen #3: Sonic!

Citizen #4: Sonic!

Miles "Tails" Prower: Negative forces aren't the only way to empower the Chaos Emeralds. Our positive feelings towards each other can make them work. Our hearts together form awesome power.

Ichigo: Bankai! [Ichigo unleashes his final release] Tensa Zangetsu.

Byakuya: What is that? Are you saying that this small thing is a bankai? Isn't it just the sealed form of your zanpakuto? I see. First the execution, and now Bankai. I can see that you enjoy treading on our pride. Very well, then. I will carve into your body...The punishment for injuring our pride! [Byakuya tries to attack Ichigo, but Ichigo's Bankai allows him to move much faster than before. Ichigo appears right in front of Byakuya, holding Tensa Zangetsu at Byakuya's throat] What...!?

Ichigo: "Our pride?" It seems that your "pride" is connected to killing Rukia. In that case...Then treading on your pride...Is the reason I achieved Bankai!

Zangetsu: What are you doing?

Ichigo: That guy...

Zangetsu: Why do you run, Ichigo? You still have not called on me. Face forward, Ichigo. You should be able to hear it now. That which blocks your ears is worthless fear. The enemy is one - You are one. What is there to fear? Cast off your fear! Look forward! Go forward! Never stand still. Retreat, and you will age. Hesitate, and you will die. Shout! My name is...!

Ichigo: Zangetsu!

[Ichigo has been given a debilitating blow from Kenpachi Zaraki]

[As Kenpachi walks away, time freezes and Zangetsu's spirit appears]

Zangetsu: Do you want to fight? [Ichigo does not respond] To fight...Or to live...Choose.

Ichigo: ...Want to win...

[Ichigo begins gripping his weapon tighter]

Zangetsu: I can't hear you.

Ichigo: It's pointless to just fight...It's pointless to just live...I want to win...! I WANT TO WIN!

Zangetsu: ...Very well.[Zangetsu kneels down, placing a hand on Ichigo's back as the blackness of his coat spreads and surrounds the two]: I'll take you there!

Byakuya: Did you think you could escape me with such a slow flash step?

Yoruichi: Did you think you could capture me with such a predictable flash step?

Ichimaru: [In a flashback] You could have held on a little longer... Sorry.

Matsumoto: [Thinking] That's what I hate about you. [Sighs] What a fool.

Urahara: [motions in a similar way to putting on a headband] You put it on like this! Put it on your forehead like so...And yell from the top of the lungs... "TAKE THIS! THE POWER OF JUSTICE! JUSTICE ARMOR! JUSTICE HACHIMAKI! ATTACK!"

Ichigo: O...Okay, I get it. Put it on the forehead like this...LIKE HELL I'LL DO THAT! [Dodges an attack] AAACK!

Urahara: See? Now isn't the time to be embarrassed, right?

Ichigo: DON'T ACT LIKE THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU! Damn it, guess I have no choice...[puts on headgear] TAKE THIS! THE POWER OF JUSTICE! JUSTICE ARMOR! JUSTICE HACHIMAKI! ATTACK!

Urahara: Wow...! You actually did it...!

Ichigo: You BASTARD!

[Ichigo explains why he's fighting hollows.]

Ichigo: But now isn't the time for saying that. We've got no choice but to team up. What do you have to say?

Uryu: Man, oh, man. I was wondering when you were going to shut up. But I understand completely. If we don't both survive this, we won't have each other to beat up.

Ichigo: Hell yeah!

[After Ichigo fails to harm the Menos Grande by attacking its leg]

Uryu: What the hell were you thinking? How did you intend to beat it with that attack!?

Ichigo: Well, I thought if I cut it away piece by piece from the feet up, the head would come down.

Uryu: That's like some kid's game! For god's sake, your brain must've been constructed unbelievably wrong.

Ichigo: You aren't going to ask me anything?

Rukia: Would you answer me if I did?

Ichigo: ...

Rukia: It's your business. It's a deep, jagged wound. I don't know how to ask about it, without dredging up your pain and reopening that wound. I don't know what to say, so I'll wait. When you feel like talking... when you're ready to tell me, I'll listen. I'll just wait until then.

Ichigo: Thanks, Rukia.

Ukitake: But what of his pride? If you help him now, you will probably save his life, but at the same time you will have eternally murdered his pride.

Rukia: What is pride compared to life!?

Ukitake: Rukia, remember this well. There are but two types of fights. Whenever we go into battle, it must be one of the two — The fight to protect life, or the fight to protect pride!

Zaraki Kenpachi: [After Ichigo powers up near the end of their first fight] We've come this far and your spiritual power still goes up. Nice.

Ichigo: It'll go up, yeah. I'm borrowing Zangetsu's power and fighting together with him.

Zaraki: Zangetsu? That the name of your zanpakuto? Borrowing your zanpakuto's power and fighting together with it...That's bullshit. Zanpakuto are tools for fighting. "Fighting together with my zanpakuto" is a line for some sickly loser bitch who can't fight with his own damn skills! [Powers up] IT AIN'T A LINE FOR YOU OR ME, ICHIGO!

Byakuya: You...Since when have you been able to use Bankai?

Renji: You'll never know, 'cause you never did give a damn about your subordinates.

Renji: I swore...I swore that I'd save her...

Byakuya: You...swore? To whom?

Renji: No one... [Renji and Ichigo in unison] I just swore...To my soul!

Byakuya: You have done well to endure this far. But you feel it, do you not? Those flesh and bones are already dying. In the end, you are just a human. No matter how much you endure, there is a limit. This is your limit. It is over, Kurosaki Ichigo. [Raises his sword to deliver the final blow]

Ichigo: [Thinking] Move...Move, dammit, move! Move...Move! Why the hell did I come this far!? If I don't win...I can't change anything! I wanna win...I...Wanna win!

Hollow Ichigo: Tch.

[As Byakuya's sword swings down to slay Ichigo, a hand suddenly jets out, stopping the blade]

Hollow Ichigo: I told you, didn't I? That if you die, it'll be trouble for me, too.

Byakuya: Impossible...Who are you!?

Hollow Ichigo: "Who am I?" HAH! I ain't got a name!

Soifon: This is a fighting style for war that combines hakuda and kido. I created it. Be proud...This technique was completed just the other day. You will be the first person it's tested out on during real battle. After all, I haven't even given it a name yet...

Yoruichi: [powering up] No. It has a name.

Soifon: What did you say?

Yoruichi: It's called "Shunko."

Soifon: What are you saying...!?

Yoruichi: Be careful, Soifon...I can't control this technique very well yet! [lets loose with a Shunko explosion]

[the back and sleeves of Yoruichi's outfit are obliterated]

Yoruichi: Soi Fon...Do you know...Why the uniform of the Head of the Special Forces has no sleeves or back?

Soi Fon: ...!

Yoruichi: The reason is simple. The sheer energy released from the use of Shunko would destroy the sleeves and back anyway.

Renji: We ain't going back. We're going to stay here until the fight with the Arrancar is over.

Ichigo: Well, where are you gonna sleep? [Everyone stares at him] And before you ask, there's not enough room in my house for all of you!

Rangiku: Ehhhh!? Not even for me?

Ichigo: Well normally you'd be the last person I'd let in here! Besides, I don't even get why you'd think it'd be okay for you to stay here!

Rangiku: Umm... [Unbuttons her shirt]

Ichigo: What are you doing?! You can't stay here even if you unbutton your shirt!

[Rangiku stares at Ichigo, then slightly lifts up her skirt]

Ichigo: You can't stay here even if you lift up your skirt a little! [Shields his eyes, but one eye is still glancing via a gap in his fingers] Damn it! Seduction like that isn't going to work on me! I'm definitely not that type of guy!

Rukia: Then how about closing that gap in between your fingers?

Ulquiorra: Your nakama have invaded Hueco Mundo.

Orihime: Why...?

Ulquiorra: Why else? To rescue you. To them, no other reason is necessary.

Kaien: Where do you think the heart lies?

Rukia: [Scratches her head] Um, well...It's probably...Here, isn't it? [Places hand over chest]

Kaien: [Smiles] You see, I think the "heart" lies...Right here. [Holds up his fist up in front of Rukia]

["Kenpachi" attacks Ichigo in a vision while Ichigo is suppressing his inner hollow.]

Ichigo: What the hell!? Cut it out! We finished our fight a long time ago!

Kenpachi: ...Finished? It'll never be finished. A battle's not like some stupid argument. As long as someone's still breathing, the fight isn't over.

Ichigo: I don't have any reason to fight you!

Kenpachi: You want a reason...For fighting? Why don't you just accept it already, Ichigo? You seek out the fights. You desire the power. Isn't that right, Ichigo? Everyone who searches for power without exception searches for battle! Do you fight in order to become more powerful? Or do you want more power in order to fight? I can't tell you that. The only thing I know for sure is that guys like us were born this way! We were born to fight, Ichigo! Your instincts will keep leading you towards new battles. It's the only way you have. The only way to become stronger. Fight, Ichigo! If you want the power to control your enemy, take that sword in your hand and cut him down! That's your only option! That's the only road that continues in front of you, and the only road that remains behind you!

Hollow Ichigo: Ichigo, what's the difference between a King and his horse?

Ichigo: What the hell...?

Hollow Ichigo: I don't mean kiddy shit like 'One's a person and one's an animal' or 'One has two legs and one has four'. If their form, ability, and power were exactly the same, why is it that one becomes the King and controls the battle, while the other becomes the horse and carries the King?! There's only one answer: INSTINCT! In order for identical beings to get stronger and gain the power they need to become King, they must search for more battles and power! They thirst for battle, and live to mercilessly crush, shred, and slice their enemies! Rip off our skin...Carve off our flesh...Grind up our bones...What's left? That's right - Engraved in our nerves, the honed, killing instinct, produced by millenia of battle! But YOU don't have that! You don't have those pure, basic instincts! You fight with your brain. You try to defeat your enemies with your logic! And it doesn't work! You're trying to cut them with a sheathed sword! That is why you're weaker than me, Ichigo! [Ichigo is impaled with a sword;Making his way towards Ichigo] I don't know about Zangetsu, but I refuse to carry a King who's weaker than me and get cut to ribbons with him. If you're weaker than me, then I'll destroy you, and take your crown for myself!

[Kaname Tosen is in a room with several screens, monitoring Ichigo and company's progress through Las Noches]

Gin: That's a slightly disturbing hobby you have there, Tosen-san.

Tosen: Unthinkable. Their movements interested you, so you came to watch, right? Ichimaru.

Gin: That's not it. I was just kidding, you don't need to make such a scary face...

[Gin tries to walk into the room, but Wonderweiss Margera, who has been sitting beside the door, suddenly grabs his wrist, stopping him]

Gin: Tosen-san, what's with this little one?

Tosen: Wonderweiss!

Wonderweiss: ...Uuhh...

Gin: Looks like the problem child is quite fond of you.

Tosen: Pure beings are always drawn to each other. Although, I am not quite sure where his purity lies yet.

Gin: Interesting. Him not liking me makes more sense now.

Tosen: To be honest, I believe any intelligent person would be wary of you.

Luppi: Saying our whole battle was just for the sake of bringing that woman back here...I can't accept that...

Aizen: Do excuse me. After all, I didn't expect you to get torn up this badly.

Luppi: What're you trying to pull...Grimmjow?!

Grimmjow: (grinning)...Ehhh?

[Grimmjow runs his hand through Luppi's gut]

Luppi: G...Grimmjow, you bastard...!

Grimmjow: Damn straight. Later, "former" Sexta! [blows off Luppi's upper body with a Cero before erupting into maniacal laughter]

Orihime: DON'T DIE! Kurosaki-kun! I don't mind if you don't win...You don't even have to try...So please...Don't get yourself hurt any more...

Ichigo:( Blocks Grimmjow's attack with just one hand) Sorry 'bout this, Grimmjow. It looks like...I can't afford to let you hurt me anymore. [delivers a devastating slash to Grimmjow]

Shinji Hirako: So, it was you after all...

Sosuke Aizen: You suspected? I should have expected as much.

Shinji Hirako: Of course I did.

Sosuke Aizen: Since when?

Shinji Hirako: Since you were in your momma's womb...!

Nel: (weakly) Nel had no idea that our game of endless tag would lead to a mithunderstanding like this. There'th not a whole lot to do here in Hueco Mundo.

Uryu: [thinking] Endless Tag...?

Ichigo: You were playing? But there were tears in your eyes.

Nel: [cheerfully] Uh-huh! I'm a mathochist so it'th no fun for me unleth they chathe me so hard I cry a little!

Ichigo: [smacks Dondochakka Bilskin on the head, shouting] What have you been teaching this kid!?

Lisa: I'm not a pervert! I just have a healthy interest!

Kensei: You know, in most circles, that's what defines a pervert...

Lisa: Shut up, Kensei! You borrowed a magazine from me too, so you don't have any room to talk!

Kensei: Grr...

[after Inoue Orihime leaves the Vizard hideout]

Kensei: Tch! Just what the hell was with that woman...!?

Lisa: She only talked to Ichigo, then left in a flash...

Rose: Seems she was a friend of his.

Shinji: That girl...Was Orihime-chan.

Kensei: WHA - !? What the hell, Shinji!? You know her!?

Shinji: Yes. Orihime-chan was...My first love.

Kensei: Oh, that bullshit again.

Lisa: Shinji, you say that to all the cute girls. You've said it to me before, too.

Rose: [thinking] Is she trying to imply that she's cute...?

Hiyori: HA! All the cute girls, eh!? That's funny, 'cause I don't 'member you ever sayin' that to me, Shinji!

Shinji: That's because I didn't, Snaggletooth.

Ichigo: I'm suprised, I never thought that you'd start the fight with your sword already drawn. I figured I'd have to force you to draw you sword. Does this mean you've finally aknowledged me as an equal?

Ulquiorra: At the very least, I've decided you are an entity that must be destroyed.

Ichigo: Fair enough.

[after Ichigo uses a Getsuga Tenshou to save Hollow Ichigo from Muramasa's attack]

Hollow Ichigo: Why the hell did you step up to help me?

Ichigo: It's got nothing to do with you. I am who I am. And you're a part of me. That's it.

Hollow Ichigo: You never miss a chance to sound profound.

Ichigo: I don't know what you might try to pull without Zangetsu around. And I don't know what to do either. But we've got a job to do. You know what I mean?

Hollow Ichigo: God, you piss me off.

Muramasa: What an odd scene this is. Were you protecting your hollow powers?

Ichigo: He may have originally been a hollow. But now he's a part of me. Of course, I'm satisfied if he just leaves me alone. But you're an outsider, and I want you out of here.

Muramasa: Kurosaki Ichigo... What are you?

Gin: I thought you were interesting before, but now you're just a creepy kid.

Ichigo: You're one to talk.

Alphonse Elric: Brother, it turns out the Philosopher's Stone may very well be real. But all the clues we need to finding it are off limits to everyone except State Alchemists. Since I no longer have a mortal shell, I can't feel the terror you felt, thinking you were going to die. It must have been very painful and lonely. I want my body back Brother. I want to be able to feel what you felt, to feel human again. If we find the Philosopher's Stone, I can have that.

Edward Elric: When I was certain he was going to kill me, my mind went blank, and I didn't have any hope anymore. All I could do was scream my lungs out. I felt so helpless, I couldn't even bring myself to believe someone might save me. And then you showed up Al, and I realized that if we don't take care of each other then no one else will. So I'll do anything in my power to get our bodies back, even if it means being the militaries lap dog. And we'll just have to hope our powers are good enough to help us rise above our own limits. Because we're not Gods, we're humans, tiny insignificant humans. Who couldn't even save a little girl.

Alphonse Elric: Humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return. To obtain, something of equal value must be lost. That is alchemy's first law of equivalent exchange. In those days, we really believed that to be the world's one and only truth.

Edward Elric: [to Magwar, in response to imposter Elric brothers] I told ya before, let's take care of those kids first. It's been a while since I've killed anyone. I kinda miss it.

[his eye turns to Magwar with a sick, scary grin]

Edward Elric: You wanna watch?

[after blowing open wall of Lab 5]

Scar: Full Metal Alchemist! Take your brother and get out of here!

Edward Elric: I don't need your help!

Scar: Maybe not, but your younger brother needs you.

Edward Elric: Let's go!

Number 48, Slicer: Older Broher: No, you don't understand. You must destroy us.

Slicer: Young Brother: He's right. You must destroy us. There is nothing for the defeated but death that is our rule.

Edward Elric: I'm not killing anyone. That's not what I do.

Number 48, Slicer: Older Broher: You're too kind with your words. Calling us anyone, not anything. As if we could still be called human in this twisted state. I didn't say kill, I said destroy. Destroy these thing's we've become.

Edward Elric: To do that, I'd have to admit you weren't human. And for me to do that, I'd have to admit the same of my brother and I can't do that.

Number 48, Slicer: Older Broher: He's your brother.

Colonel Roy Mustang: What are you doing all of a sudden?

Lieutenant Lisa Hawkeye: You're useless in the rain, so please stay back, Colonel.

Colonel Roy Mustang: Don't look so gloomy.

Lieutenant Lisa Hawkeye: Your plan was perfect, but because I didn't make it in time...

Colonel Roy Mustang: There is no such thing as perfection. This world itself is imperfect.

[runs a hand through her hair]

Colonel Roy Mustang: That's what makes it so beautiful.

Edward Elric: And why would I do this for you?

Lust: Oh, but we're not asking, Full Metal...

[she picks up the Slicer's helmet and opens it]

Lust: We're telling. Do you know what happens to an attached soul... when you do this?

[she begins to remove the blood seal]

Edward Elric: You can't do that! He's still a human being!

Number 48, Slicer: Older Broher: Edward Elric... I...

[the helmet shatters. Lust drops the pieces and moves to Al's armor. She reaches her nail inside and prepares to remove his seal]

Lust: This won't take long.

Edward Elric: No! Please don't! He's my little brother! Please don't take him away from me! I'm begging you!

Alphonse Elric: Brother, it's okay. What am I, really?

Barry the Chopper: What if you're a fake? An imitation? How would you know the difference?

Edward Elric: There's this thing see, something I've been meaning to tell you...

Edward Elric: Don't give up on me yet, Al.

[he moves to fix the ceiling so he can make the Philosopher's Stone]

Edward Elric: Who are you calling so short you want to squish like an ant?

Alphonse Elric: Calm down, he never said anything like that!

Edward Elric: But he was thinking it.

Envy: The reason you're still around, the only reason I haven't killed you is that we were told not to. But I can never forgive you... and there'll never be a time when I'm able to forgive you... for carrying that bastard's blood in your veins!

Wrath: [fighting Alphonse and gets thrown by him] Ow! That hurt!

[grinning]

Wrath: Your metal body isn't the one I'm after!

Alphonse Elric: Be careful, brother! He's a homunculi just like the others!

Edward Elric: [talking over Greed] I see, no wonder...

[Ed starts attacking Greed's men]

Greed: [holding up Izumi by her collar] Hey, listen, I've got a hostage here. Is everyone forgetting about that? Come on, isn't anybody paying attention here! Hellooo?

Greed: I hope you're ready for me to fight back this time, Mr. Elric.

Edward Elric: Don't worry.

[Ed transmutes his arm into a blade]

Edward Elric: I'm always ready...

[shouts]

Edward Elric: when I'm pissed!

Greed: [after being stabbed through the chest and de-transforms] ... Damn kid... that was good.

Jean Havoc: The classic sewer escape.

Roy Mustang: Don't follow him.

Jean Havoc: Dammit, I was about to jump in!

Maes Hughes: Nice mess! Is it over yet?

Roy Mustang: You know, you could try to help while you're here, Hughes.

Maes Hughes: Lay off, I'm as normal as they come and this is a contest of freaks. What do you want me to do, fire my slingshot at him?

Greed: I'm sorry, but who the hell are you?

Izumi Curtis: I'm... PISSED OFF!

Lieutenant Colonel Maes Hughes: [telling Mustang about the investigation on Scar] His bloodstained clothes washed up further downstream. We don't know if that means that he's dead, or just naked.

Edward Elric: [Liore residents call him shorty] Shorty? Can a shorty do this? What else do you want to call me, a half-pint, beanstalk, midget? I'm still-grown you backwater desert idiots!

Maes Hughes: [Raving over his daughter] She's like my own little escort of cuteness!

Edward Elric: Glad to see you haven't changed, Major. Nice and insane.

Roy Mustang: [about his first day if he were the Fuhrer] On that day, all female officers will be required to wear... tiny miniskirts!

[Strikes pose]

Frieza: You have the power levels of a Boy Scout troop!

[Frieza has just pulled Nail's arm off]

Frieza: Maybe you can use it as a backscratcher! Ha ha ha! A backscratcher! Where do I come up with this stuff?"

Goku: That's what you think, Captain Cocky!

Vegeta: You can take control of my mind and my body, but there is one thing a Saiyan always keep... his PRIDE!

Tien: Piccolo just gave Cell everything he had and it didn't even phase him.

Cell: Now that we have the vermin out of the way. You're next Piccolo.

Dende: Eternal Dragon, by your name, I summon you forth, Shenron.

Trunks: As long as I have the power to destroy you Cell, I'm willing to sacrifice everything.

Goku: It looks like they only want me, and that's exactly who they'll get.

Vegeta: Are you ready now to witness a power not seen for thousands of years?

Frieza: [Frieza has just ripped Nail's arm off] Oh my, that has got to hurt.

Frieza: There're three things I refuse to tolerate: cowardice, bad haircuts, and millitary insurrection.

Frieza: [a group of large Namekian warriors is about to attack Frieza] Oh my, four big brutes against little ol' me?

Frieza: [Frieza confronts Guru] Hello there.

[Guru doesn't respond]

Frieza: My, he's not much of a conversationalist. Yohoo, are you mad because I didn't knock?

Frieza: [Approaches Guru's tower] Hello, anybody home?

Nail: Yes, I'm here. Hello, friend.

Frieza: Thank you very much. I'm a visitor touring your lovely planet and I happened to come across seven Dragonballs. A man at a gift shop told me about the legend behind the balls. You know, the wish. But you need a password to activate them. Would you happen to know the password, my good man?

Nail: Not me. You should check with the chamber of commerce. They have that sort of information.

Frieza: The chamber is dead, my good man, and so are you if you don't tell me that password!

Vegeta: This doesn't concern you! This is between me and your circus clown of a father!

Goku: Circus clown. That's a new one.

Kid Trunks: Hey Goten, did anyone ever tell you that you're stupid?

Vegeta: Amazing. How do you do it Kakarot? You've always been like this, ever since the day I first met you, always ready to meet the next challenge, even if it's bigger than you are. "So, we meet at last. We have been expecting you, Kakarot. We were beginning to think you wouldn't show. Hopefully, now things will get more interesting around here." "How can this be happening? I am a super-elite... the prince of all Saiyans. and he is just a low-level, a common soldier. I am one of the greatest fighters in the universe!" It was the same on Namek. You have improved so much that it would make Recoome like you were standing still. Your power had increase so dramatically since our battle on Earth that I thought you have done it. I thought... that you have become a Super-Saiyan. It tore me apart. How could a low-class soldier accomplish so easily what I... I had struggle my whole life to achive? After 3 millennia, it is finally happened; A new Super-Saiyin has emerged, and somehow, I have become this popish witness. Then at last it happened. I too transformed. After living every moment of every day for the single purpose of surpassing you, I finally became a Super-Saiyin myself. The prince have reclaim his throne and fulfilled his destiny. But no matter how strong I became, your power still exceeded mine. At first I thought it was your loved ones, than it was your instinct to protect them that spired you on, and pushed you beyond your limits. But then I found myself with a family of my own, and my power... didn't increase at all. I used to fight for the shear of pleasure, for the thrill of the hunt, all I had the strength unmetered, I spared no one. And yet you showed mercy to every one, even your fiercest enemies, even me... Yet you never thought to kill, more for revenge. Only to test your limits, and to push us beyond them, to become the strongest you could possibly be. How can a Saiyin fight like that, and at the same time be so gentle that he wouldn't hurt a fly? It makes me angry just thinking about it. But perhaps it is my anger that has made me blind to the truth for so long. I see it now. this day has made it all too clear. Your better than me, Kakarot. You are the Best...

Piccolo: Even with the energy you took from me, my power is still far greater than your own.

Piccolo: Not bad, for an early prototype.

Krillin: Piccolo, err Kami, that is um?

Yarijobe: Think again. There's no way you're leaving the kid here.

Cell: Perhaps these miserable humans would appreciate a light show.

Cell: I have yet to show you, young warrior, what I'm truly capable of.

Vegeta: What went wrong? You had me!

Goku: I can go one step farther if I wanted to.

Trunks: You should know, I'm much more powerful than my father.

Cell: Silly Piccolo. My secrets will not be unlocked so easily.

King Kai: I'm the King. When you get to be King, you're not supposed to have to do all the work.

[Before Vegeta's final fight with Majin Buu]

Vegeta: There is one thing I'd like to know. Tell me, will I meet that clown Kakarot in the other world?

Piccolo: I'm not going to lie to you, Vegeta, although the answer may be difficult for you to hear. This is the truth. Goku devoted his life to protecting the lives of other. Because of his selflessness, when he died, he was allowed to keep his body and travel to King Kai's Planet. You, on the other hand, have spent your life in pursuit of your own selfish desires. You've caused too much pain. When you die, you will not receive the same reward.

Vegeta: Oh well, so be it. That will be all, get out of here and hurry!

[Piccolo flies away]

Goku: It would be meaningless to fight with you now. You're too scared and ashamed. Live with the shock. Keep it bottled up inside you. Silently.

Vegeta: Let me ask you. Does a machine like yourself ever experience fear.

Vegeta: There's only one certainty in life. A strong man stands above and conquers all!

Vegeta: Don't remind me. I'm mad enough to hurt somebody and pounding you just might be the therapy I need.

Piccolo: [Talking to his split form] Hey, make a mental note - tails grow back

Piccolo: I've never had real feelings about anyone before... Grr... I don't like it!

Piccolo: Fool! Never believe anything the enemy tells you!

King Kai: He is the destroyer of worlds. To anger him is to jeopardize the universe.

Gohan: Piccolo, can I have some help here?

Piccolo: Sure just one thing. There will be no help!

Vegeta: Nappa, remind me to look into getting you dewormed again.

Piccolo: We can't give up just because things aren't the way we want them to be.

Arlian King: Kill those men, they're very bad men.

Nappa: We're bad?

Vegeta: Well, a little.

Vegeta: Strength is the only thing that means anything to me!

Goku: I would rather be a brainless monkey than a heartless monster. (To Frieza)

Garlic Jr.: Everything will be sucked into the dead zone including you! All be locked away in total darkness for the rest of eternity, just as my father was!

Sorcerer: I wish for you to unlock this oracle and release Tapion the brave from it.

Shenron: That will be a piece of cake!

SSJ3 Goku: If I can't do it, then who else can! Exploding Dragon Fist!

Vegeta: Trunks, I never hugged you as a baby... let me hug you.

Vegeta: Kakarot, you're quite impressive. I never stood a chance against Buu, you're the only one who can fight him. I think I finally understand how a genius like myself can't surpass you. I thought it was because you had something to protect. I thought your drive to protect allowed you to take advantage of your capabilities... this may have been a reason, but not I too have this drive. I fought to do as I wished, because it was fun to kill my enemies and feed my pride. But he's different, he fights not to win but because he absolutely won't lose, causing him to break his limits and he really doesn't care who his opponent is. So when he didn't kill me, it was because he saw I could care for others, like I do now... Go Kakarot, you're number one!

Vegeta: While I was with you guys, I became more human. I didn't like that. I even have a family and started to like living on earth.

Vegeta: Kakarot! Stop poking me in the eye you idiot!

Goku: It's not my fault, you keep poking me in the mouth!

Vegeta: Shut up Kakarot!

[Attempting to de-fuse]

Vegeta: Whenever the journalists show up, I'll just destroy them.

Bulma: Vegeta, behave yourself!

Vegeta: Fine.

Vegeta: ~evil laugh~... And then there was one...

Trunks: Father, you're so tough and proud, hard and cold like a rock. But still, deep down, your heart beats like mine does... I know you feel... I'm your son and I will always love you.

Gohan: Piccolo! You big jerk! I take back all the nice things I said about you!

Gohan: I'll do it slowly, so you can watch me better.

Gohan: Well sometimes Piccolo... uh... a little on the paranoid side.

Videl: I guess you were right. He does seem a little bit high strung.

Goku: How can androids have babies?

Master Roshi: Now, did you boys remember to pack your toothbrushes!

Krillin: Yes!

Goku: Tooth... what?

Goku: Why don't you come to Other World with me?

Krillin: What? No way! I'm married now bro! This is the good wife! Right babe?

Android 18: [blushing] Goon.

Goku: What did that Shin say to you? He wasn't rude was he? Do you want me to set him straight for you? I bet if I told him you were once the Guardian of Earth he'd have a little more respect!

Piccolo: No! Don't do that! Please! Don't do anything! Please don't!

Android 17: [clapping] A beautiful speech, I can see it now, you truly are a prince with the royal blood of a Saiyan.

Android 17: Tell me, are all you Saiyans so full of yourselves? Is this how you hide your incompetence? We androids will always be superior to your kind.

King Cold: I'm proud that I have taught you all the necessary skills in life. Use them well.

Piccolo: My ears do more than just frame my face.

Tournament Announcer: Is uh, # 18 your real name?

Krillin: Hey hun! I've got a great idea, let's trade! Yo take my spot and I'll fight Hercule!

King Kai: Goku, what's that noise?

Goku: It's my stomach, I'm hungry.

Vegeta: Let's see what you got Kakarot. Galic Gun Fire!

Goku: Kaio-Ken! Times Ten!

[about Gohan]

Master Roshi: Has he seen... Oh, I don't know the full moon?

Goku: No we go to bed pretty early, why?

Bulma, Krillin, Master Roshi: No reason.

Vegeta: What's wrong Frieza? Is your brain another one of your weak and under used muscles?

Vegeta: I'd rather die than fuse with you!

Goku: Vegeta, you're already dead!

Pan: Your real strength is your bravery.

Vegeta: I am the prince of all Saiyans once again!

Vegeta: [Vegeta's last thought before he dies fighting Majin Buu] Bulma, Trunks. This is for you.

Goku: Wow how cute. Is he yours Yamcha?

Yamcha: Huh! He's not my kid.

Goku: [Trunks cries] Okay! Okay! You know? Come to think of it he does look a little bit like Vegeta.

[Piccolo and Vegeta sit back to back on a tiny island]

Piccolo: Is it over?

Vegeta: Not until the fish jumps.

[a fish jumps out of the water]

Vegeta: It's over.

Majin Buu: Buu turn you into candy.

Goku: Hi, Hercule.

Hercule: Hey, how are you?

Pan: Don't forget me, grandpa.

Hercule: How's my little girl? So have you come to cheer grandpa on?

Goku: No, silly, we're all entering the tournament.

Hercule: [stammers]

Goku: Don't worry, Hercule. If one of us makes it to the finals, we'll let you keep your title. Okay?

Nappa: [shouts] You low-class peasant fool! I'm the second strongest Saiyan from the planet Vegeta!

Goku: Well, if your friend over there is stronger than you, I guess you're the third-strongest Saiyan now!

Vegeta: This can't be! His beam is as strong as my Gallick Gun!

Yarijobe: You did it! Gokuuuuu!

Goku: Not quite. He's regaining control. He'll be off my beam soon, probably mad as a hornet, I bet.

Yarijobe: Are you sure?

Goku: Mmm-hmm.

Vegeta: You thought I was bad with a tail, huh?

[shouts]

Vegeta: Well, strap yourself in!

Gôku: Ally to good! Nightmare to you!

Vegeta: [understands that Captain Ginyu is now a frog] It's frog-stompin' time!

Vegeta: Kakkarot! Dodge this next attack, if you can!... But even if I miss you... THIS WHOLE PLANET'S GOING UP IN SMOOOOKE!

Majin Buu: [Super Buu] This Majin Buu will wait one hour, then I will kill you all...

Majin Buu: [Super Buu] So, hotshot, you want to fight Majin Buu?

Gohan: [smirking] Fight you? No. I want to kill you.

Gohan: [gets into a fighting stance] Now I'll show you why my little brother looks up to me.

Majin Buu: [gets into his own stance, having absorbed Piccolo and Gotenks earlier] He doesn't. In fact, he wonders why you let me absorb him.

[Jeice and Burter fly around Goku, who dodges so fast it isn't noticeable]

Jeice: I've had enough of this game of cat and mouse! Let's show him what the Ginyu Force is really about!

[They land]

Jeice: We've had enough of this, ya coward. Now make a move!

[Goku punches him, his nose starts bleeding]

Burter: Jeice, are you all right? Is it bleeding? Jeice, be careful or you'll stain your gloves.

Jeice: Burter, just shut up!

Kid Trunks: I think being world champion will be fun.

Goten: I'll definitely tell you how it is.

Kid Trunks: SO, what are you going to buy with your winnings?

Goten: I dont know. Toys, I guess.

Kid Trunks: Your such a toddler.

Goten: What about you?

Kid Trunks: I'm not sure what I'm going to buy.

Goten: Yea, I guess when your family is the richest in the world, there arnt many toys that you dont have.

Videl: You know those people?

Gohan: Yeah. That man, wearing the orange uniform, he's my dad.

Videl: WHAT? I thought your dad was with another woman.

Gohan: Oh no! Just dead. Didn't you see that ring floating over his head?

Videl: I think I need to lie down.

Goku: Sorry, I saw an opening that just screamed 'ATTACK,' so I did, ha!

Nappa: Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his power level?

Vegeta: It's over NINE THOUSAAAAAAAAAND!

Pan: [Pan's ice cream cone fell to the ground. Pan begins to cry] Waaaahhhh! He killed my ice cream cone!

[crying continues]

Goku: Whew! Goodness gracioius!

Cell: [During the Kamehameha struggle between Gohan and Perfect Cell] This must be hard on you with all those wounds Gohan. I bet this makes them *burn*!

[about Shenron, the Eternal Dragon]

Dende: Hey! Don't piss off the god of love!

Capt. Black, Jackie, Jade: Tohru has a mommy?

[repeated line]

Uncle: One more thing...

[repeated line]

Jackie: Bad day.

[repeated line]

Jackie: Sorry, I'll bring it back, thank you!

[repeated line]

Jackie: That's crazy, Jade. You're crazy.

[repeated line]

Uncle: Aiiee-yaaaahh!

Uncle: Yu Mo Gui Gwai Fie Di Jow!... Evil spirits and malevolent demons, be gone!

Uncle: Uncle does not know. Does Uncle look like psychic?

Uncle: Uncle is grumpy old geezer...!

Uncle: Do not question Uncle!

Uncle: Magic must defeat magic!

Kari: I know you have to leave,


	7. Chapter 6 Classic Plot Pyramid

Tai: I really do. O.K?

Kari: O.K.

Tai: Agumon can't digivolve without me. This is my fight too.

Matt: What planet did I dial?

Agumon: Digivolving is a very difficult process. In order to be successful, I had to share your energy.

Metal Garurumon: I meant what I said, Matt. Cherrymon was wrong. Friendship, loyalty, they're more than just words, they're real, and they matter. I'm going to prove it to you.

Tentomon: Whenever my skin gets dirty, I just shed it.

Koushiro "Izzy" Izumi: That would be difficult for me.

Mimi: I want my own bed, my own bathroom, and I'm even starting to miss my baby brother.

Sora Takenouchi: Too bad your brain isn't as big as your hair.

Ken: You will bow before me.

Takeru "T.K." Takashi: Sorry, the floor's kind of dirty.

Takeru "T.K." Takashi: When you can't think of anything to say, do you always resort to fighting?

Ken: I guess...

Takeru "T.K." Takashi: That's your problem. You don't know when to talk and when to fight. Now's a good time to talk... on the other hand... it's also a good time to fight.

Puppetmon: All I wanted to do was play a little game of war with T.K.

Takeru "T.K." Takashi: Oh, play? You mean like... pretend?

Puppetmon: But of course. At least at first it will be make believe, anyway. But then it's bye bye, and it will be time to destroy you for real. If I got rid of you now, I'd have no fun.

[TK sniggers]

Ken: What's so funny?

TK: You claim to be the Digmon Emperor. You turn good Digimon into your slaves. You see Ijijoudji you're a pretender. You have no idea of the powers that you're up against.

Tai: Good thing we're in a hospital, cause it looks like we may need one.

Vademon: All those that are greedy fall into the pit.

Izzy: I'm not sure I comprehend what you're talking about. What are you accusing us of being greedy for?

Vademon: Wanting to know too much of course. You're sticking your nose where it doesn't belong.

Izzy: What could possibly be wrong with gaining knowledge and information?

Vademon: See, you're doing it again. You can't seem to stop yourself. You're headed straight into the pit if you don't learn to control yourself.

Izzy: How come?

Vademon: You don't even know that you're doing it.

Izzy: I don't?

Vademon: It's like a disease with you. Oh well, nice knowing you.

Izzy: All you need to know, whether you like it or not.

Matt: Enough. Why don't you stop and think about other people's feelings for a change?

Tai: Huh? What are you talking about?

Matt: We all know you're right, Tai, but just give us a little space.

Tai: Wha?

Matt: We miss our friends who fought along side of us. Not everyone has ice running through their veins like you do.

Tai: Wha?

T.K.: Calm down.

Matt: You're so busy looking forward, that you never take time to look back. We've lost some good friends here, Tai and it's nice to remember them once in awhile.

Tai: If we always stop to do that, we'll never have enough time to save the world.

Matt: You still don't get it. I know you hear me, but you're not listening.

Tai: Izzy.

Izzy: Look, it's Tai. Where are you?

Tai: I'm home, but I got your message that you're in danger. I'm trying to find you.

Izzy: Tell me about it, I'm trying to find myself... don't bother coming back to the digiworld, Tai. You'll just corrupt the universe.

Tentomon: The name's Mon... Tento Mon.

[about Piedmon]

Joe: He made them all disappear.

Tentomon: Well, at least he didn't saw them in half.

Sora: What kind of sicko turns people into keychains?

Piedmon: I'm not a sicko, I'm a collector of these new items of such sentimental value to me.

T.K.: What's more boring? Paint drying or math?

Kari: I need you, Tai... Gatomon... the National Guard.

TK: I care too much about you to let you go down without a fight.

Davis: You can't do this. You're just a kid like me.

Digimon Emperor: No, I'm not just like you. If I was, I would be the one hanging off the cliff.

Davis: Did you see that? I got a noogie, that means I'm one of the guys now.

DemiVeemon: I have a question. If you're one of the guys now, does that mean you used to be one of the girls, and how come you never told me about it? I wish you humans would just make up your minds.

Matt: I've been living a lie.

Gabumon: You're not a natural blonde?

Kari: What could be worse than living your life without a single friend?

Gatomon: A litter box full of fly paper.

Flamedramon: [prepares to attack Digimon Emperor] Fire...

Davis: Flamedramon wait. There's a chance you'll miss and hit Patamon.

Flamedramon: I'm such a hot-head.

BlackWarGreymon: I'm going to a darker place for me.

Davis: You should try my sock drawer.

Wizardmon: Are you okay, Gatomon?

Gatomon: You saved me. I'm sorry.

Wizardmon: For what?

Gatomon: Sorry I got you involved in this.

Wizardmon: Don't be sorry. I don't have any regrets. If I hadn't met you, my life would've had no meaning. I'm glad that you and I became friends.

Gatomon: That's forever.

Davis: Sorry I'm late. I was supposed to get a haircut but when I looked in the mirror, I realized my hair was already perfect.

Yolei: The only thing is he was staring in the mirror for over an hour.

Arukenimon: I'll be back to destroy you in a minute.

Mummymon: Yeah, ditto that.

Davis: Destiny Stones can break my bones, but you guys are real losers.

Davis: All right, if you're gonna destroy me, then will you please proceed to wash your hands first? I like to keep things clean.

Veemon: Good thing he hasn't seen your room...

Mimi: Hey. I had singing lessons for three years.

T.K.: Oh, you did? Did it help?

Izzy: Heh, Mimi, you should get a refund, that's what I think.

Wargreymon: There is no need for us to fight.

Metalgarurumon: I must.

Tai: I'm only doing this to honor all the brave digimon that have helped us. They trusted us and believed in our commitment. We can't let them down.

Matt: No offence, but even if I felt like talking, it wouldn't be to a tree.

Cherrymon: Young man, didn't anyone ever tell you, you should listen to your elders? Or was it redwood you should listen to, I can never get those two straight.

Cherrymon: What? You mean you've never seen a talking tree?

Matt: Not many...

Gabumon: Be careful, that's Cherrymon, lord of the forest and the best reason for the existence of termites.

Digimon Emperor: Like sands in the hourglass, so are your friends' lives.

Sora: Now that you boys have holes in your heads, maybe your brains will get more oxygen.

Takato Matsuki: Mom, Dad, why are girls so crazy?

Yoshie Matsuki: They're not. Their husbands make them that way.

Takato Matsuki: Sorry to wake you up so late.

Henry Wong: That's okay. I was just sleeping.

Terriermon: And not just sleeping... snoring too.

Henry: You better just back off, Rika.

Rika: Or else what? You'll go run off and hide on me? Ooo... I'm so scared.

[about Rika]

Guilmon: You going to fight her, Takato?

Takato: No way, she's a girl. Besides, she'd kick my butt.

Icedevimon: Why waste yourself with beauty when you can tame the beast?

Rika: I don't get it. Where could he have gone?

Henry: Not too far I imagine. Looks like he was hurt pretty bad.

Rika: It's his own fault. It wouldn't have been so bad if he had a partner.

Henry: Rika... you do have a heart.

Davis: Hey, it's getting pretty dark in these woods. Here, Kari, I'll hold your hand so you won't get scared.

Kari: I'm not scared.

T.K.: And it's not her hand... it's mine.

Izzy: Part Wargreymon...

T.K.: and part Metalgarurumon.

Izzy: They digivolved together to become...

Omnimon, Omnimon: OMNIMON.

Henry: Maybe it doesn't matter what card we use, Rika.

Rika: Okay, did that pig monster eat your brain?

Recording on telephone: This number only exists in your imagination. Please hang up and don't call back.

[Mat's digimon digivolves]

Matt: The sleeper has awakened.

Digimon Emperor: Hahahahahahahahahahaaaa... oh, it's not that funny.

[opening narration]

Tai Kamiya: That's home, planet Earth. But I'm not sure that's where I am just now.

Mimi: I knew I should have gone to cheerleading camp.

Koromon: My name's Koromon. And we're partners.

Tai: Koromon? That means... talking head?

Koromon: It means brave little warrior. And don't forget it, Tai.

[Ken and Davis are playing football, Ken scores]

Davis: Huston, we have a problem.

IceDevimon: I hear one becomes quite warm before freezing.

Henry Wong: You're so twisted, it's scary.

Demidevimon: Everyone makes mistakes. Remember disco?

Takato Matsuki: How could you... how could you do this horrible thing? I'll make you hurt. I'll make you pay.

[while falling]

Takato Matsuki: Where are we going?

Henry Wong: You really think I have any idea?

Terriermon: Momentie.

Henry Wong: Oh, momentie yourself.

[while falling]

Terriermon: Momentie.

Rika Nonaka: You're kidding right?

Rika Nonaka: It's not funny, you know. I don't want to walk all the way to the next town just to find your little friend.

Henry Wong: Well, if it makes your feel any better, Rika. The tunnel might flood and we can all swim there.

Rika Nonaka: It's just my luck to be stuck down here with a couple of comedians.

Rika Nonaka: I would eat dirt before I'd ever let Renamon become what you are... a montser.

IceDevimon: Better a powerful monster than a weak nobody. Is that what you really want to be, a nobody?

Rika Nonaka: I'll tell you what I don't want to be. The partner of some freak show digimon.

Leomon: [dying] Why... can't you see? Why won't you try to understand the truth?

Terriermon: What are you, Henry, the center of the universe? What, you think the sun won't rise if you're not there to greet it or something?

Henry Wong: What are you talking about?

Terriermon: Just look behind you, Henry.

Henry Wong: Huh?

Terriermon: You don't have to do everything yourself. They're all here to help you. Let 'em.

Takato Matsuki: Try this card.

Henry Wong: The last one almost killed him.

Takato Matsuki: Hey, I'm just trying to help.

[about Rika and Renamon]

Takato Matsuki: I don't get it.

Henry Wong: It's obvious that they were worried about each other. Problem is, they're too hard-headed to admit it. They'll go on playing silly games until they drop.

Takato Matsuki: Being honest with each other would be too hard.

[laughter]

Henry Wong: I think I was pretty selfish when I was younger. I had so many brothers and sisters,, the only way I could be heard was to assert myself. When I learned martial arts from Sensei, he taught me that we learn to fight in order to avoid fighting. But I used my power against the neighborhood kid... and I hurt him. After that, I always felt that I had to hold back, that fighting was wrong. But this is different. This is a battle that needs something. Fighting for a purpose is different than just fighting to fight. This is something I have to do. Something only Terriermon, my friends and I can do.

Ryo: I feel so powerless.

Ebonwumon: Better to feel powerless than to feel dead.

[Joe is doubled up on the floor in pain and clutching his stomach]

Kari: Joe what is it?

Joe: My stomach.

Kari: What's wrong does it hurt?

Joe: No. I'm just doing this coz it's fun

Izzy: Does it bother you that Sora's with Tai instead of you?

Matt: Come on Tai's my best friend and he knows how I feel, besides I completely trust Sora, I'm not worried at all Izzy.

Kumbhiramon: Is that any way to greet your worst nightmare?

Jeri: Are you my partner?

Kumbhiramon: I am a mighty Deva sent here by the all-powerful Sovereign. Why would I join forces with a pathetic human?

Joe: I wanted to go to summer school but would my parents listen to me? NO."

June Motomiya: Hey, Matt. I made it.

Matt: [about June] No, she followed us. She's like a boomerang that keeps coming back.

Puppetmon: [dying] Cherrymon... what is it that those kids have... that I don't?

Cherrymon: Friends.

Puppetmon: That kind of negative attitude brings me down.

Henry Wong: Terriermon. It's not wise to mouth off to someone who's bigger than you.

Davis: Hey I believe in good hygene so before you destroy us could you wash your hands?

Veemon: Oh really? It's a good thing he's never seen your room.

Recording over telephone: At the tone, the time will be exactly 45 miles per hour and 90 seconds.

Tai: I'm so hungry I could eat a horse!

Izzy: I'd settle for a small cow.

Gabumon: You're the man!

Matt: And you're the wolf man!

Palmon: Time to take it to the next level. I may be a lady, but I am no pushover!

Sora: Tell me how you like your eggs and I'll do the best I can.

Joe: I prefer my eggs to be covered in salt and pepper, but I guess it doesn't really matter.

Tai: I like soy sauce.

Matt: How about salsa?

Sora: How about a reality check?

Izzy: I'll have mine with mustard and jellybeans, please.

Tai: Oh, gross!

T.K.: Jellybeans. That sounds good.

Mimi: What? You're all weird! My favorite is eggs covered in maple syrup! Sometimes I like to eat them with cherries on top!

Tai: Now that's weird!

T.K.: But I bet it's good.

Joe: You guys are completely making me lose my appetite! I mean, come on. Jellybeans and cherries on eggs? That's just crazy talk! Salt and pepper is all they need. Keep it simple. That's always been my motto.

Palmon: You just like playing on your computer. That's all.

Izzy: You think I'm just playing around here?

Palmon: I think you like computers more than people.

Mimi: This is going to ruin my hair all the way to the roots!

Palmon: Use my roots.

Mimi: You're a plant!

Joe: Did you say something about food?

Piximon: Yes, but first you must earn it.

Gomamon: I should have known there'd be a catch.

Gomamon: [in his sleep] Mmm, delicious food. Mine, all mine.

Tai: Thanks a lot, Piximon. We've learned a lot from you.

Joe: Yeah, like how to clean floors and starving half to death.

Mimi: That's just Joe's stomach talking.

Tai: Be ready when I give the signal.

Izzy: Roger.

Mimi: He forgot his name!

Joe: [looking at a picture of Gommamon] All right, look at Gommamon!

Gomamon: I'm cuter in person.

Gennai: You must never forget that you are the Digidestend.

Joe: I'll never forget this stomachache.

Joe: Now that we're home, we don't have to eat leaves anymore. We can eat cheeseburgers!

Mimi: That's right! And pepperoni pizza!

T.K.: And French fries!

Matt: And ice-cream!

Sora: Yeah, and broccoli.

Joe, Mimi, T.K., Matt: *Broccoli*?

Tai: Broccoli?

Koromon: How did you know my card was the fake, Tai?

Tai: I didn't. I kept your card because you're my friend.

Sora: There are millions of kids like us in the world.

Biyomon: You mean there are millions of Soras?

Tai: Are you analyzing something on your computer again?

Izzy: Well, I'm not playing Solitare.

[Megaseadramon roars]

Joe: [to T.K] Is your tummy rumbling or did I just hear something?

Myotismon: Is this what you are looking for?

Wizardmon: Another copy.

Myotismon: Do you think I'd leave the original lying around?

Palmon: It's been so long since I've seen you. My you've... shrunk.

Lillymon: It's just little old me... or should I say little old us? I'm Palmon and Togemon too.

Tentomon: Find an outlet, stop the gear... is "find our friends" on that list?

Puppetmon: I've got a riddle for you - what has four strings and is made of wood?

Mimi, Joe, Gomamon, Palmon: Puppetmon!

Puppetmon: No, a violin. But that's a good guess.

Izzy: All the countries seem to be mixed together.

Tai: It's like that theme park in Florida.

Izzy: We all seem to have become some type of data.

Mimi: What? I'm too young to be dating!

Izzy: It's some kind of Marco Polo experience.

Tentomon: I know what he's famous for! Marco!

Agumon: Polo!

Tentomon: Marco!

Patamon: Polo!

Tentomon: Marco!

Biyomon: Polo!

Tentomon: Izzy, when I first met you, I thought you were just one of those computer geeks, but after I got to know you better, I just realized that you are one of those computer geeks!

Hawkmon: Why do I always get stuck with a defected human?

Armadillomon: How about we play a game of Checkers? We can use my shell as the board.

Cody: Note to self - come up with a better way to sneak Upomon out of the building.

Kari: Hey, check out that scrumptious smell.

Yolei: [sniffing] Wow! That's awesome! My stomach is growling with sheer delight.

[Davis and Veemon cover their stomachs]

Davis: Mine's growling sheer hunger!

Veemon: Mine too.

Matt: This heat has turned Palmon's brain into a French fry!

Cody's Grandfather: This doll obviously has more than just cotton balls in its stomach.

Davis: Have you noticed that T.K. and Kari are always hanging together? What's up with that?

Veemon: Maybe they're identical twins that look completely different.

Hawkmon: I'm going to have seconds and thirds before I even have my firsts!

Michael: Davis, do you know where Times Square is?

Davis: Actually, I haven't a clue!

Palmon: That's typical Davis.

Yolei: Good job, guys! You were awesome!

[stomach growls]

Yolei: I guess we don't need a translator to explain that.

Sora: We may not understand each other, but growling tummies are universal.

[Sora, Yolei, Hawkmon and Biyomon are crying hysterically]

Matt: Let's get them out of here before their eyelids freeze.

Joe: Ready? Heave!

Ikkakumon: Go!

Joe: No! Not go! Ho!

Ikkakumon: Joe?

Joe: No! Ho!

Takuya Kanbara: You're toast, lady!

Ranamon: Thanks, but I've already had my breakfast.

Mercurymon: If only thy mouth were thy weapon, then truly thou couldst never be defeated.

Tai: [looking at Agumon in his disguise] Yeah. That's real inconspicuous.

Yolei: [thinking to herself] I just don't know if I can truly trust Ken. After all of the destruction he caused in the digital world. The way he destroyed Rockmon. I thought that he was more ruthless than ever. Maybe I am being too hard on him. After all he did save the day.

Armadillomon: [Hawkmon groaning] Hawkmon are you okay?

Hawkmon: Hmm? I feel rather strange. Hawkmon digivolve to... Aquilamon.

Patamon: T.K. and Davis sure do fight a lot. How come?

Veemon: Something about Kari. Human girls make human boys act really weird.

[Patamon gets shot down by Andromon]

Patamon: I'll have two cheeseburgers and a large order of fries.

Tai: Did you find anything down there, Izzy?

Tentomon: You could say that, Tai, but the thing is we're up here and you're down there.

Agumon: I think you guys may need glasses. We're way up here above you.

Izzy: But that can't be! That's scientifically impossible!

[Veemon gets shot down by Andromon]

Davis: Veemon, speak to me!

Veemon: You're kneeling on my tail!

Davis: Let's go, T.A.!

TK Takashi: T.A.?

Kari: He forgot how to spell T.K.!

Ken: [reading] Dear Ken, I hope that someday you'll join the Digidestined. Signed Yolei.

Gatomon: Wait a minute that voice. I hear that voice in my nightmares. It's Myotismon!

Takeru "T.K." Takashi: Is that Myotismon or VenomMyotismon?

Myotismon: Actually I'm MaloMyotismon

Takeru "T.K." Takashi: MaloMyotismon?

Tentomon: TK and Kari have something that the other children don't.

Hero Ishida: Matt's Father: They have brothers.

Tentomon: Bingo! All we have to do is get Angemon and Angewomon to hit Tai and Matt with their arrows of love and hope.

Matt Ishida: It's worth a shot

TK Takaishi: Okay Angemon. I know this maybe sounds crazy but I need you to hit Matt and Tai with your arrow.

Kari Kamiya: You too Angewomon.

Agumon: Wait a minute Tai. What if that Prophecy is all wrong?

Tai: Do you want the whole world to be destroyed.

Matt Ishida: Sometimes miracles require a little faith. Hey Tai. I'll hold your hand just in case you try to run away.

Tai: Yeah. Me too.

Angemon: One miracle

Angewomon: Coming up.

Agumon: Agumon warp digivolve to... War Greymon!

Gabumon: Gabumon warp digivolve to... Metal Garurumon!

Cody: [crying] I did the worse thing I could ever do. I told a lie.

Joe: That's okay Cody. You told a lie to help other people

Cody: But my grandfather says that the worse thing you could ever do is tell a lie.

Joe: When I get back to school we'll tell the principal everything.

Jeri: Lonely... is my destiny...

Joe: [yelling] Gomamon! I told you to save the food for later.

Gomamon: I thought you meant later as in 10 minutes later.

Joe: No. I meant we need to save food for later.

[Joe retches and heaves over the side of the boat]

Gomamon: I'm sorry, Joe. I didn't mean to eat all of the food.

Joe: Starvation is a good motivator.

Tai: [feeling Whaemon swallowing them up] Whoah! It's Whaemon. I never thought that I would be glad to be swallowed up by a fish but we'll be safe in here.

Izzy Izumi: Technically speaking it's a *mammal*!

Tai: [feeling Whaemon swallowing them up] Whoah! It's Whaemon. I never thought that I would be glad to be swallowed up by a fish but we'll be safe in here.

Izzy Izumi: Technically speaking it's a *mammal*.

Gatomon: [singing with Matt accompanying on harmonica] Cats always land on their feet but sometimes Digimon need to eat. Tis Gatomon's wish to catch a big flying fish. I'm a kitty, a digi-kitty.

[Gatomon jumps and slices up the flying fish]

Gatomon: Oh, yeah!

Takeru "T.K." Takashi: Patamon, help!

Patamon: [thinking] What am I going to do? Devimon is so big and I'm so small. I can't do anything in this size I know. Patamon, digivolve to... Angemon!

Takeru "T.K." Takashi: Oh!

Angemon: Your reign of terror has gone on long enough, Devimon. Now I must do everything I can to protect the children.

[Angemon draws his power from the other digimon returning them to their rookie forms]

Takeru "T.K." Takashi: Oh, Angemon! Please don't do it.

Devimon: [laughing] Not only did you destroy me but you destroyed yourself in the process.

Takeru "T.K." Takashi: Oh, Angemon!

Angemon: Don't worry, T.K. I'll be back if you want me back.

Takeru "T.K." Takashi: [crying] Oh, Angemon! Angemon!

[Angemon's feather falls and turns into a digi-egg]

Gabumon: Don't you worry, T.K. Angemon will be back.

Agumon: Yeah, he's just resting in his digi-egg. If you take care of it he'll come back as good as new.

Takeru "T.K." Takashi: [rubbing his digi-egg] Don't worry. I'll take good care of his digi-egg. You saved my life.

Davis: So Patamon can Digivolve to Angemon?

TK: Yup.

Davis: And Gatomon, what about her?

TK: Oh, she can Digivolve to Angewoman.

Davis: Then I have one question: Is there an Angebabymon too?

Patamon: Sometimes, he says the strangest things.

Davis: Veemon, tell me you can Digivolve into Ange-something too!

Veemon: Uh...

Davis: [picks up Veemon and shakes him around] Ange-Dinosaur-mon? Ange-Soccer-Player-mon? C'mon!

Veemon: I just don't have it in me!

TK: He's still got a lot to learn.

Patamon: [laughs]

Rika: Renamon, I'm going to be very vexxed if you lose.

Cody: So many Digimon!

Davis: I hope we don't have to feed them all.

Henry Wong: Jeri's a Tamer, are you sure? She's chasing him, making eyes? Tamers don't do that.

Takato Matsuki: Wait, I'll ask.

[calling]

Takato Matsuki: Hey Jeri?

Jeri: Yeah?

Takato Matsuki: Are you sure he's your partner?

Jeri: Yeah.

Takato Matsuki: How come?

Jeri: Cause it's destiny!

Takato Matsuki: Okay thanks!

Jeri: [resumes chasing Leomon] You can't escape destiny Mr. Leomon.

Takato Matsuki: [into the receiver] She says it's destiny.

Henry Wong: That doesn't sound good at all. Okay I'll be right there.

Takato Matsuki: Henry's on his way. I guess I should tell Rika too.

Rika: Jeri? That just isn't possible.

Takato Matsuki: Wait I'll ask. Hey Jeri?

Jeri: Yeah?

Takato Matsuki: Do you have a Digivice?

Jeri: No I don't.

Takato Matsuki: [into the receiver] That's a negative.

Jeri: Anything else?

Takato Matsuki: No that's all!

Jeri: Mr. Leomon, wait up!

Rika: No Digivice? She's obviously not a Tamer she's delusional. Oh whatever I'm coming right down.

Takato Matsuki: Rika's coming too.

Jigglypuff: Jiggly puff puff.

Ash: If anybody's out there, you can come out. And if you're a monster or a ghost, you can stay where you are.

James of Team Rocket: Drat. We just wasted this whole episode cheering for the good guys.

Narrator: So the story continues

James of Team Rocket: Drats! We just wasted this entire episode cheering for the good guys.

Narrator: That's right James.

Ash: You miss your mom don't you Larvitar? Don't worry because we're going to get your mother back. I promise.

Ranger Mason: He's right Larvitar. We're going to do everything we can to get your mother back.

[Larvitar freezes]

Misty: Uh-oh. It's freezing again.

Ranger Mason: What's the matter? Did I make it freeze?

Brock Harrison: This Larvitar needs time to warm up to people

Ash: You miss your mom don't you Larvitar? Don't worry because we're going to get your mother back. I promise.

Ranger Mason: Don't you worry Larvitar. We're going to do everything we can to get your mother back.

[Larvitar freezes]

Misty: This Larvitar hardens everytime someone it doesn't know tries to talk to it.

Ranger Mason: What's the matter? Did I make it freeze?

Brock Harrison: This Larvitar needs time to warm up to people

James of Team Rocket: We have a proud tradition of failure to uphold.

James of Team Rocket: With enemies like that, who needs friends?

Misty: Isn't that color a little bright for a ninja?

Misty: Just when you give him a break, he has to be a nice guy, too.

Jessie: Prepare for trouble.

James of Team Rocket: And make it double.

Jessie: To protect the world from devastation.

James of Team Rocket: To unite all people within our nation.

Jessie: To denounce the evils of truth and love.

James of Team Rocket: To extend our reach to the stars above.

Jessie: Jessie.

James of Team Rocket: James.

Jessie: Team Rocket blasting off at the speed of light.

James of Team Rocket: Surrender now or prepare to fight.

Meowth: Meowth. That's right.

Misty: Oh no. Staryu's in real pain.

Ash: How can you tell? It doesn't even have a face.

Misty: It's because I'M sensitive to others feelings.

Ash: Oh yeah, like I'm not.

Brock Harrison: When you have lemons, you make lemonade; and when you have rice, you make rice balls.

Mrs. Ketchum: Don't forget to change your you-know-what every day.

Meowth: I hate water, especially WET water.

Jessie: We may be mean and nasty, but we'd never turn our backs on a teammate in trouble.

James of Team Rocket: As long as we're not exposed to any actual physical danger.

Jessie: That boy on the poster looks just like you, James.

James of Team Rocket: He does? I think he looks pathetic.

Meowth: That's what she meant, James.

Meowth: My brain says to run but my legs ain't listening.

Jessie: Just once, I'd like to make a dramatic exit that DOESN'T involve a life-threatening explosion.

Jessie: Where did you get all that chocolate? You're holding out on us.

James of Team Rocket: This is mine. Remember? We all got one yesterday.

Meowth: You ate half of mine.

James of Team Rocket: Thundershock, Thunderbolt... I've been destroyed by Pikachu's attacks so many times I know them all by heart.

Officer Jenny: Oh, I left my motorcycle at the front desk.

Ash: Hey Pikachu. You did a great job.

Pikachu: Big-Pikachu.

[Brock growls at Charmandar]

Brock Harrison: Light the lamp not me.

[Pikachu laughs]

[Pikachu runs circles around Leiutennat Surge's Raichu]

Misty Williams: The plan is working like you said it would Brock.

Brock Harrison: Right. Raichu evolved too fast and it never learned any of the speed attacks it can only learn in the Pikachu stage.

Brock: It's oh too clear to me now. It was because of a painful seperation from its mother that Larvitar is petrified of the outside world. With zero trust in humans.

Misty: That Tiranitar must be Larvitar's mother.

Ash: Poor Larvitar. Lavitar please you have to remember all of the good times that we had together.

Brock: Not all humans are bad. You just have to give us a chance.

Misty: Where's Professor Ivy?

[Brock groans and turns blue]

Ash: Brock? What's wrong?

Brock: I don't want to talk about it

Ash: Why not?

Brock: She mentioned... that name.

Lily Williams: I guess you could say it

[the pokemon match between Ash and Misty]

Lily Williams: was called on account of "drain?"

[laughs]

Jessie: This couldn't have worked better if we'd planned it.

James of Team Rocket: If we'd planned it, it wouldn't have worked at all!

Bryce: What kind of idiot would forcibly steal someone else's Pokemon?

James of Team Rocket: Well, how many kinds are there?

May: Come on! I've seen slugma run faster than you. Nuuuuummmm!

Max , Caterpie, Butterfree, Additional Voices: [growling] You are a slugma!

Brock Harrison: [sighs] It's great to see those two get along so well.

Ash: It's following Pikachu around like its a streaker or something,

Brock Harrison: Huh Ash you mean a STALKER!

Flint: Pewter City is grey, the color of stone. My name is Flint, and you're sitting on my merchandise, young man.

Ash: You sell rocks?

Flint: Pewter City souveneirs, you want to buy some?

Ash: No thanks. I'm traveling trying to become a Pokemon trainer.

Flint: Well, your Pokemon is in bad shape. Come on, I'll take you to the Pokemon center.

Ash: He seems like a nice guy.

Misty: Are you sure?

Flint: By the way, that'll be a two dollar charge for resting on my rock.

Jessie: Buried alive and trampled. We've hit rock bottom!

Lily Williams: [to Seel] Which side are you rooting for?

Ash: I was so kicking your butt there, Misty!

Misty: What? You know you lost with Butterfree!

Ash: That was just Round 1. After that, I made a huge comeback!

Misty: If Team Rocket hadn't busted in, I would have destroyed you!

Ash: You're lucky they showed up; you were about to lose.

Misty: Lose? I was just getting started!

Ash: Oh yeah?

Misty: Oh yeah!

Brock Harrison: Oh brother!

Ash: I thought you said, "pacing", not "passing"!

Pikachu: Pikachu!

[holds up a ping-pong paddle]

Ash: I said, "padding"... I mean, I said "pacing"!

Nurse Joy: I know why you're surprised. I look like all the other nurses, don't I? My first cousin works in Pewter City, and my second cousin works in Viridian City. I think I'm the prettiest one, don't you?

Surge: I guess you'll learn that playing with the big boys can be a shock in experience.

Jessie: If Pikachu loses this battle...

James of Team Rocket: You're right! It's not worth stealing after all. We've wasted all this time.

Meowth: Maybe you can steal Raichu.

Meowth: Pikachu won't change. If it's going to battle Raichu, it's going to do it just as it is. It's going to battle in the name of all Pikachus!

Ash: Pikachu, our lucky star is shining today!

Misty: Where? I don't see it. How can you see a star in the middle of the day?

Ash: I don't mean it's actually shining!

Brock Harrison: [Team Rocket has just performed a cheer for Ash and Pikachu] That was really disturbing.

James of Team Rocket: I want food.

Jessie: Stop that!

Meowth: Yeah, that whining only makes you hungrier.

Jessie: Good thing we ran into this sign.

James of Team Rocket: Yes, it's a good sign.

Ash: Hey, guys, help me out of this hole.

Misty: We'd love to help you, Ash, but unfortunately, you're standing on us.

Ash: I had to send in about a million postcards to get that hat!

Misty: Well, no wonder I didn't get mine. I only submitted one.

Gary Oak: Why don't you let your stomach do the talking?

Jessie: That is the Fushia Gym.

James of Team Rocket: It looks to me like a Japanese restaurant.

James of Team Rocket: I can't see a foot my front of my face.

Meowth: If you don't shut up, you'll see a foot in front of your face!

James of Team Rocket: Team Rocket's blasting off again!

Jessie: Team Rocket's blasting off again!

Meowth: Team Rocket's blasting off again!

Professor Birch , Additional Voices: [growling] You know that's not a Silcoon that you have. That's a Casscoon.

May: Hey! That's my egg!

James of Team Rocket: Ahh! That's my Mime Jr.

Jessie: We're here for Elekid and Pikachu.

James of Team Rocket: TIME OUT!

[James comes running out of Team Rocket's Golem machine]

May: [May runs up to James] I'll trade you.

James of Team Rocket: That sounds like a plan.

May: Here you go!

James of Team Rocket: Thanks.

May, James of Team Rocket: Bye!

James of Team Rocket: Ahh! My Mime Jr is back where it belongs.

May: [Giggling] I got my egg back.

James of Team Rocket: Now Where were we?

Meowth: We were about to take Elekid and Pikachu.

Torchic: Torchic? Torchic?

[Torchic starts crying]

Max , Caterpie, Butterfree, Additional Voices: Oh Torchic! There you are.

Meowth: What's wrong?

Max , Caterpie, Butterfree, Additional Voices: Torchic is afraid it will never see May again.

Meowth: Well, crying ain't gonna help, I already tried that.

Pikachu: [screaming as a gigantic Ryhorn comes charging towards them] PIKA PI!

Meowth: My head says to move but my feet ain't listening!

Jessie: [after encountering a smelly Gloom] It smells TERRIBLE.

James of Team Rocket: It smells like old sneakers mixed with rotten eggs and dead fish with just a hint of skunk fumes.

Meowth: My nose feels like it's on fire!

Jessie: Meowth, you don't have a nose.

Meowth: Huh?

[Looks at the empty space]

Meowth: My nose! What happened? The stink dissolved it off my face!

[pauses]

Meowth: Hmm? Oh! Oh, yeah, I almost forgot. The cartoonist never gave me a nose.

Meowth: [after successfully binding a Hypno and Drowzee to their metal-winged flying system] We got them! Now, we'll fly away with our catch!

James of Team Rocket: I don't get it. Why didn't we do this from the beginning?

Jessie: [referring to the show runtime] Well, we HAVE to fill a half-hour!

Old Woman/Ghastly: I've been watching you. You're up to no good! And there's no good in your future!

James of Team Rocket: Who? The police, the sheriff, the FBI?

Old Woman/Ghastly: I see a young and beautiful woman who will lead you to a cruel fate.

James of Team Rocket: I don't need a fortune teller to know that. Some woman is ALWAYS causing me trouble! It's a curse...

Jessie: [stares suspiciously towards James] WHO exactly do you mean?

Rattrap: I hate to say it, but we're trapped like rats.

Blackarachnia: Sorry, chunk-style, but I like being a bad girl. And you know something else? Somewhere, deep beneath this squeaky-clean armor plating of yours... I think you like it too. Hmmm?

Megatron: Soon, very soon, I expect a visit from Cybertron.

Rampage: I eagerly anticipate your imminent demise, then.

Tarantulas: Don't cats ever get tired of being stupid?

Blackarachnia: Oh no. You're not saving my life again? AFTER I SHOT YOU?

Silverbolt: It is my duty as a Maximal and a heroic character.

Blackarachnia: You know I like 'em big and stupid but you're really pushing it.

Blackarachnia: Great. I get paired with the one cat who lands on his head.

Rattrap: We're all gonna die.

Rattrap: We're all gonna die...

[everyone glares at him]

Rattrap: Yeah, yeah, I know... shut up, Rattrap!

Rattrap: Hey, I don't think so.

Dinobot: And I really don't think so.

[during a battle]

Rattrap: This was the party I expected!

Optimus Primal: Let's mingle!

Airazor: Go on, spider. Make a move. PLEASE.

Blackarachnia: Another insect? How depressing.

Blackarachnia: Don't bug me, kid; your forehead slopes.

Inferno: You're no match for me. Burn, traitor, burn.

Blackarachnia: Do Maximals always talk such slop?

Rattrap: Nobody does that to my team, sister.

Blackarachnia: Now haul your hero hinny out of here. I don't remember inviting you to the picnic.

Blackarachnia: They're back just like Tarantulas always said they would be.

Blackarachnia: Oh great. I let that sneaky lizard lead me right into Megatron's jamming zone.

Silverbolt: Stop you fiend.

Blackarachnia: What?

Silverbolt: I was listening to your plan to destroy us.

Blackarachnia: Oh. Why are the good looking ones always such tube heads? That was a diversion. I wanted to get Dinobot away from you.

Silverbolt: YOU SHOT ME.

Blackarachnia: If I didn't he would have blown your head off and you're still functional aren't you?

Blackarachnia: Thanks for coming after me. It was sweet.

Silverbolt: As was the way you confessed the truth to Optimus. Oh we'll make a Maximal out of you yet.

Blackarachnia: In your dreams. I like myself just the way I am and I intend to stay this way. HOME ROVER.

Cheetor: You did great out there and I kind of...

Blackarachnia: Listen tabby, you're a nice kid, which is two strikes against ya so don't go looking for strike three okay.

Cheetor: I am NOT a kid...

[Silverbolt snorts]

Cheetor: and maybe I'm not so nice either.

Tarantulas: And just what are you planning to do with that?

Blackarachnia: I'm tired of being your slave. Either terminate the link between us or I'll crack this cube and you know what will happen, then.

Tarantulas: You don't have the nerve. Besides I can stop you with a single thought.

Blackarachnia: Really? I'm betting the energon radiation will interfere with our link.

Tarantulas: Okay. Let's find out.

[Tarantulas tries to enter Blackarachnia's head]

Blackarachnia: I warned you!

[upon cracking the energon cube, Blackarachnia starts to shriek]

Tarantulas: Oh, demond! What have you done? Stop this insanity, She-Spider. Throw the cube away.

Blackarachnia: Never! I will be free one way or another.

Tarantulas: Fine then. Go ahead and delete yourself for all.

[Tarantulas wails in pain]

Tarantulas: The cyberlink works both ways. I share your pain.

Blackarachnia: Then, sever the link, Tarantulas. Save us both.

Tarantulas: No, I can't.

Blackarachnia: Then we both go off-line together.

Tarantulas: Fine! You win again. The link is broken. Get out of my mind.

[shouts]

Tarantulas: Get out!

Blackarachnia: [throws the energon cube away] I told you I'd be free.

Tarantulas: But you won't live to gloat about it.

Tarantulas: Oh, what a gullible fool he is.

Blackarachnia: Tarantulas!

Tarantulas: Forgotten about our mental cyberlink She-Spider? Well, I haven't.

Tarantulas: What do you want, quasar brain?

Tarantulas: Just to give you a quick reminder. Play whatever games you wish with him but dare to cross me and you will suffer for your treachery!

Blackarachnina: Sugar-bot! I told you to let me help you with that.

Blackarachnia: Oh, back off, robo-rube!

Blackarachnina: Huh? There just ain't no figuring females!

Tarantulas: A small fact of life, Fuzor.

[laughing]

Blackarachnia: Laugh while you can, ground crawler. I'll free myself from your control and then you'll pay!

Optimus Primal: Megatron?

Megatron: Leave here, Optimus Primal. I will deal with this.

Optimus Primal: Like you did last time? Dream on. All Maximals, *maximize*!

Megatron: Predacons, *terrorize*!

Optimus Primal: If I can just reach his spark.

Silverbolt: Easier said than done.

Blackarachnia: Easy for you to say. You like this hero stuff. Me? I'm just a bad girl.

Silverbolt: When I look in your eyes I see no evil. Only love.

Blackarachnia: Sappy as always. What did I ever see in you anyways? Oh yeah. I remember.

[Blackarachnia screaming]

Silverbolt: NOOOOOOO.

Silverbolt: I can't pick up her signal. It's time to get back to basics. I'm picking up her scent, and I'm picking up another scent, a foul one, Dinobot.

Silverbolt: There you are. Have you anything to say for yourself?

Blackarachnia: Yeah. DUCK.

Silverbolt: HUH? Ow.

Optimus Primal: How's the head?

Cheetor: I'm more fractured than fat-headed Bigbot. I'm a cat, I oughta know better than to trust a dog.

Optimus Primal: Silverbolt truly believed that he was acting in your best interest.

Rattrap: Would you lie down, and groan for crying out loud, you're supposed to be half dead.

Dinobot: If you do not shut up vermin you shall be my role model.

Rattrap: Oh yeah and who's gonna...

[Tigatron growls]

Rattrap: All right. All right. I'm shutting up. If it ain't the dinosaurs up your nose it's the felines.

Rattrap: You should know being his little eight legged lieutenant.

Optimus Primal: Rattrap be quiet.

Rattrap: You'd never catch me letting a Predacon inside my circuitry.

Cheetor: Shut up, Rattrap.

Silverbolt: Listen to him rat if you value your spark.

Rattrap: Is that a threat?

Cheetor: Count on it.

Inferno: Pain is my friend. Let me introduce you to it!

Silverbolt: Come on wings work... Work blast you... WOOOORRRRKKK.

Rhinox: Is it just me or is our boy particularly happy today?

Rattrap: It's the spider lady that I'm worried about.

Rhinox: What do you mean?

Rattrap: Call me paranoid but I don't trust spiders, I don't trust Predacons and I don't trust dames who sneak in and out of classified areas when they think that nobody is watching.

Blackarachnia: Optimus? Is it really you?

Optimus Primal: Yes but Tarantulas has betrayed Megatron and taken control of Teletran 1. I don't know what he's planning...

Blackarachnia: But it isn't good.

Silverbolt: Are you all right?

Blackarachnia: I always figured if anyone would survive the Beast Wars it would be me. It looks like I was wrong.

Silverbolt: Now you mustn't say such things. Rhinox will find a way... Just trust him.

Blackarachnia: Trust isn't easy for a Predacon.

Silverbolt: You're only a Predacon because of Tarantulas. Inside you're a Maximal. When this is over you'll be one again as you were meant to be.

Rhinox: All of the equipment is on board but I'll need time to boot the Ark's main engine.

Silverbolt: And still as welcomed as the moonlight.

[Rattrap smacks himself on the forehead]

Silverbolt: When I thought you were gone I...

Blackarachnina: It will take a lot more than that to get rid of me Jojo. But when I have to come and rescue you when you're rescuing me my future may be in doubt so KNOCK IT OFF!

Cheetor: We've got to stop them before they reach the base.

Ratrap: That's your department Sky Cat. Fire up. We'll be right behind you

Dinobot: My weapon is depleted.

Cheetor: I need a running start.

Ratrap: Criminy the pair of ya! I'VE GOTTA DO EVERYTHING?

Waspinator: Two-head throw Megatron in lava pit! Megatron want slag Two-head. Waspinator down with that!

Rampage: Ignore the pain. It's only going to get worse!

Megatron: The base is undermanned and unprotected - ours for the asking!

Quickstrike: Awwwww now, we ain't gonna ask , are we? How's about we just blast our way in, and slag everybody and TAKE IT!

Megatron: Mmm... okay!

Megatron: Quickstrike, you may lead.

Quickstrike: Yee-haw! now that's what I like to hear.

Inferno: [confused] Royalty, why was I not chosen?

Megatron: Because, Inferno, when expecting booby traps...

Megatron: [Quickstrike gets caught in the Maximal's booby trap] Always send the "boob" in first.

Inferno: Fool! Pain is my friend! Allow me to introduce YOU to it!

Megatron: Good work Inferno, Now go repair yourself

Inferno: Yes, my queen

Megatron: ...I wish he wouldn't call me that

Waspinator: Waspinator not think this job so important!

Inferno: Every job for the Royalty is a gift

Waspinator: [turning his head] Ant bot is major suck up.

Blackarachnia: [watching Dinobot coming] Uh-oh!

[ducks behind a fallen tree]

Blackarachnia: I don't know how you survived my cyber venom but a triple dose should drop you.

Waspinator: Waspinator sees helpless target! Oooooh, happy day!

Waspinator: Oooh, Waspinator love it when prey cannot shoot back!

Blackarachnia: Ready to rock and roll, insect?

Inferno: I don't rock and roll... I burn!

Blackarachnia: [after Tarantulas takes Blackarachnia in to a choke hold] You? What are you doing here?

Tarantulas: You have some information I need.

Megatron: Yes. Let's hear it.

Blackarachnia: Okay, Tarantulas here's the scoop. Megatron is a slag sucking saurian. Got it?

Megatron: Hmm? She'll pay for that one.

Tarantulas: Let's see if using you as a shield will improve your sense of reason.

Silverbolt: Although attacking your own comrade is no doubt business as usual in Predacon guides of villainy it is simply... unacceptable behaviour... in my book.

Megatron: You hacked the access codes from my data tracks before you destroyed my computer, didn't you?

Blackarachnia: So what if I did? What are you going to do? Slag me? You still don't have the codes.

Megatron: I had a more effective target in mind.

[Fires up and aims at Silverbolt's head]

Blackarachnia: Slag him if you want to. He means nothing to me.

Megatron: [aims at Silverbolt's head] The codes, Blackarachnia, produce them *now*!

Blackarachnia: Wait! Okay, I'll do it. Teletron 1: decrypt and transmit acess codes... *Now*!

Predacon Ship Computer: Acknowledged.

Megatron: Is it working?

Blackarachnia: It had better be working.

Silverbolt: What is it?

Blackarachnia: The Ark.

Silverbolt: I've heard only legends.

Blackarachnia: Oh, it's no legend, Bowser. This ship contained some of Cybertron's finest heroes. When it explodes in 1984 our ancestors will awaken and start the great war.

Silverbolt: This must have been why Optimus was so worried. This ship's power must be immense.

Blackarachnia: It is and it's all mine.

Optimus Primal: Can you reactivate her Maximal programing?

Rhinox: It's tricky and dangerous. It could dump her entire core and leave her a blank.

Optimus Primal: And if we do nothing.

Rhinox: She'll be a Predacon forever.

Optimus Primal: That might be too big of a risk to take right now. Let's go find her.

Blackarachnia: [listening in] So that's the way it is, huh? Nobody's unzipping this girl's core.

Blackarachnia: [hanging from the ceiling] Hey, crumb head! Want to play hide 'n' seek?

Inferno: Huh?

[notices an opened door]

Inferno: She has gone outside.

Inferno: [Blackarachnia pushes the door shut behind Inferno. He bangs on the door] Let me in!

Blackarachnia: [sighing] The only thing worse than a salesman is a pushy Predacon. Autoguns online.

Inferno: Oh, no!

[blam]

Rattrap: [watching the viewscreen] Whooh Hoo! We've got preds jumping out from every rock. I'm bringing the autoguns online.

Optimus Primal: Rattrap? What's the situation?

Rattrap: I can't get a good bead on them with the autoguns. They're shooting from cover and as far as I can tell they're aiming at the walls.

Optimus Primal: They're trying to disrupt our power. Somehow they know what we're doing. We've got to engage them.

Inferno: For the glory of the royalty!

Tarantulas: It's working... it's working... my spark is restored... my body is stronger than ever... I live... I *live*! He he he ha ha ha!

Megatron: Blast that scheming spider! Again he defies me!

Inferno: Say the word, my queen, and he shall burn!

Megatron: Not just yet. And for the last time, STOP CALLING ME THAT!

Inferno: As you command, my qu...

[Megatron starts to strangle Inferno]


	8. Chapter 7 Getting Close to the Climax

Kratos: [strides out of his ship] Ten years, Athena! I have faithfully served the gods for ten years! When will you leave me of these nightmares?

Athena: We have one final task of you, Kratos. Your greatest challenge awaits in Athens; where even now, my brother: Ares, lays siege, as we speak. Athens is on the verge of destruction. It is the will of Ares my great city fall. Zues has forbidden the gods from waging war on each other. That is why it must be you, Kratos. Only a mortal trained by a god has a chance at defeating Ares.

Kratos: And if I am able to do this; to kill a god, then the visions: they will end?

Athena: Complete this final task, and the past that consumes you will be forgiven. Have faith, Kratos, the gods do not forget those who come to their aid.

Narrator: Leaving the rotting carcass of the hydra behind, Kratos set sail once more. His greatest challenge, and freedom from his growing madness lay before him, in the ancient city, of Athens.

[Kratos saves the boat captain from falling down into the dead Hydra's stomach]

Boat Captain: Thank the gods you came back for me!

Kratos: I didn't come back for you!

[Kratos takes the key from the captain's necklace and throws him down Hydra's throat]

Kratos: God of war. I haven't forgotten you. For what you did that night, this city will be your grave...

Kratos: By the gods, what have I become?

Narrator: For Kratos, victory was worth everything. Even his soul.

Kratos: [to Ares] The monster you created has returned... to kill you!

Kratos: [opening lines] The Gods of Olympus have abandoned me, now there is no hope!

Narrator: And Kratos cast himself from the highest mountain in all of Greece. After ten years of suffering, ten years of endless nightmares, it would finally come to an end, death, would be his escape from madness. But it had not always been this way, Kratos had once been a champion of the Gods...

Kratos: [Kratos is facing a group of undead soldiers] Mangy beasts! I shall send you BACK to the depths of Hades!

Ares: That night... I was trying to make you a great warrior!

Kratos: ...You succeeded.

Kratos: If all those on Olympus would deny me my vengeance, then all of Olympus will die.

Zeus: Know this, my son, you have started a war you cannot possibly win; the fates have already deemed me victorious.

Lahkesis: You will never find peace for what you have become.

Kratos: I am what the gods have made me!

Athena: Enough Kratos! With every city you destroy the wrath of Olympus grows. Soon I will no longer be able to protect you.

Kratos: I need no protection!

Athena: Don't forget that it was I who made you a God Ghost of Sparta! Don't turn your back on me!

Kratos: I owe you nothing!

Euryale: You killed my sister!

Zeus: [after he jams the blade of Olympus into Kratos] It did not have to be this way, my son. This path is of your choosing.

Kratos: A choice from the gods, is as useless as the gods themselves.

Zeus: Even now, as you draw your last breath, you continue to defy me?

Boat Captain: [after being summoned by the Barbarian King, he sees Kratos] No! Not you again!

Kratos: I lay down my arms Zeus

[puts down the Blade of Olympus, turns his back, and kneels]

Kratos: Release me from this torment of my life.

Zeus: [picks up the Blade of Olympus to execute Kratos] I will release you from your life, my son, but your torment is just beginning.

Kratos: Athena! You conspire against me?

Kratos: [as he's dying] You will pay for this Zeus, be certain of that!

Young Spartan: My lord?

Kratos: I told you to return to Sparta. Why do you leave Sparta unprotected?

Young Spartan: Sparta is no more.

Kratos: What treachery is this?

Young Spartan: Zeus. He came under the cloak of darkness.

Young Spartan: I was left with no choice. I had to seek out the sisters to change the fate of our beloved Sparta. For I am all that is left. Now you are all that is left. I am sure our brothers of Sparta will live on through the true God of War.

Kratos: Zeus, is this how you face me. Coward! I am through doing the bidding of the gods, come down and face me right now.

Athena: [as Zeus is about to be killed, Athena intervenes between the two] You cannot do this Kratos!

Kratos: You dare stand against me, Athena?

Athena: I do not wish to fight you, but I will defend Olympus!

Kratos: My vengeance ends now.

Poseidon: [in his watery construct] You challenge me, mortal? A god of Olympus!

Kratos: A true warrior does not hide, Poseidon. Leave the sea, and face me.

Poseidon: You have disrespected the gods for the last time, Kratos

[fighting atop Gaia, Kratos, with momentum from Gaia's fist, tears Poseidon out of his watery form onto a nearby ledge and throws him to the wall, as Poseidon's "god" form collapse]

Poseidon: [weakened] Zeus should have kept you where you belong. No matter how many gods fall, there will always be another to stand against you.

Kratos: They will fall as well.

Poseidon: The death of Olympus means the death of us all!

Kratos: Then prepare for your death, Poseidon

[last lines]

Athena: You disappoint me, Spartan.

Pandora: Hope is what makes us strong. It is why we are here. It's what we fight with when all else is lost.

Pandora: Thank you Kratos.

Kratos: Our journey is far from over pandora. By it's end you will not be thanking me.

Pandora: I know I look it but I'm not child, Kratos. I have seen many terrible things. I am not afraid. I understand what lies ahead. I saw zues torture my father. I saw him beaten because of me. I should've helped him but I was afraid.

Kratos: Hephaestus did what every father should do, protect his child.

Pandora: No. It's all my fault, I failed him because of fear. Fear is it's on kind of darkness. In that darkness I heard what the Gods said about me. They called me a "monster".

Kratos: Words mean nothing.

Pandora: Perhaps. But in their words, I heard fear. Fear of an ash covered warrior. The fear of you. As the fear in the Gods rose mine was replaced by hope.

Kratos: Hope is for the weak, Pandora.

[He tries to open a door but Pandora storms in front of him and stops him so there eye to eye]

Pandora: Hope is what makes us strong. It is why we are here. It's what we fight with when all else is lost.

Link

Hrrit!

HEYA!

HUP!

Navi

Hey!

Listen!

Watch out!

Look!

Hello!

Would you like to talk to Saria?

Really? Would you like to talk to me instead?

Great Deku Tree, I'm back.

Hello, Link. Wake up. The Great Deku Tree wants to talk to you! Link, get up! Hey, c'mon! Can Hyrule's destiny really depend on such a lazy boy?! (Link sits up, yawns, and sits on his bed) You finally woke up! I'm Navi the fairy. The Great Deku Tree asked me to be your partner from now on. Nice to meet you!

Look, Link! You're big now! You've grown up!

It looks like this item doesn't work here...

? No response. He's still asleep...

Link! I can't help you! Because of the waves of darkness, I can't get close! I'm sorry, Link!

There's no way he's going to hold me back again! This time, we fight together!

Should we believe what Sheik told us and go to Kakariko village?

WHAAAAT! Look at all those flags! Can you figure out which ones are real?

Zelda/Sheik

! Who...? Who are you? How did you get past the guards?

(upon hearing you say you'll tell other people) C'mon, don't be a blabbermouth!

Just as I thought.

(before teaching the Minuet of Forest) The flow of time is always cruel... its speed seems different for each person, but no one can change it... A thing that does not change with time is a memory of younger days...

Ganondorf, pitiful man, without a strong righteous mind, he could not control the power of the gods.

Let's get the Triforce before Ganondorf does and then defeat him.

I've been waiting for you, Hero of Time.

Do you see the man with evil eyes?

Six sages, now!

(before teaching the Bolero of Fire) It is something that grows over time... a true friendship. A feeling in the heart that becomes even stronger through time...The passion of friendship will soon blossom into a righteous power through it, you'll know which way to go...

(before teaching the Serenade of Water) Time passes, people move...Like a river's flow, it never ends. A childish mind will turn to noble ambition...Young love will become deep affection... The clear water's surface reflects growth...

When evil rules all, an awakening voice from from the Sacred Realm will call those destined to be Sages who dwell in the five temples.

Thank you, Link... Thanks to you, Ganondorf has been sealed inside the Evil Realm! Thus, peace will once again reign in this world... for a time. All the tragedy that has befallen Hyrule was my doing... I was so young... I could not comprehend the consequences of trying to control the Sacred Realm. I dragged you into it, too. Now it is time for me to make up for my mistakes... You must lay the Master Sword to rest and close the Door of Time... However, by doing this, the road between times will be closed... Link, give the Ocarina to me... As a Sage, I can return you to your original time with it. When peace returns to Hyrule... It will be time for us to say good-bye... Now, go home, Link. Regain your lost time! Home... where you are supposed to be... the way you are supposed to be... (she plays Zelda's Lullaby, a blue crystal encases Link and lifts him up) Thank you... Link... Good-bye.

(after Link gets attacked by a Shadow) Looks like you're coming around.

What's your name? ...Link... Stange, it sounds... familiar. Okay, Link...

Ganondorf

The Triforce parts are resonating. They are combining into one again. The two parts that I could not capture on that day seven years ago...I didn't expect that they would be hidden within you two. (evil laugh) These toys are too much for you! I demand you return them to me.

Heh heh heh... You want a piece of me?! Very funny! I like your attitude!

YOU... CURSE YOU, ZELDA... CURSE YOU, SAGES... CURSE YOU, Link! Someday when this seal is broken, that is when I will exterminate your descendants. As long as the Triforce of Power is in my hand...

I underestimated that boy. No... it was not the boy I underestimated, it was the Triforce of Courage.

[after Link tries to stop Ganondorf from reaching Zelda and Impa, Ganondorf attacks him] Pathetic little fool! Do you realize who you're dealing with? I am Ganondorf and soon I will rule the world!

(after Link beat Phantom Ganon) Hey, kid, you did quite well... It looks like you may be gaining some slight skill... But you have defeated only my phantom... When you fight the real me, it won't be so easy! What a worthless creation that ghost was! I will banish it to the gap between both dimensions!

(before dying) The Great Evil King Ganondorf... beaten by this kid?! (gags) Link... raaaaahhhhhhhhh!

Mido

Hey you! 'Mr. No Fairy!' What's your business with the Great Deku Tree? Without a fairy, you're not even a real man! What? You've got a fairy? Say what? The Great Deku Tree actually summoned you? Whaaaaaaat?!Why would he summon you and not the Great Mido? I don't believe you! You aren't even fully equiped yet. How do you think you're going to help the Great Deku Tree without both a sword and a shield ready? What? You're right. I don't I have my equipment ready, but if you want to pass, through here, you should at least equip a sword and shield!

I am the great Mido!

What's that? Oh. So you've got a Deku Shield... And what's THAT? Is that the Kokiri Sword? GOOD GRIEF! Still, even with all that stuff, a wimp is still a wimp, huh? Shoot! How did you get to be the favorite of Saria and the Great Deku Tree? Huh?! Grumble Grumble...

You killed the Deku Tree? How could you?!

It seems Saria has turned her eye to you, too.

"Oh...I see... Saria won't ever come back... But...I...I made a promise to Saria... If Link came back, I would be sure to tell him that Saria had been waiting for him... Because Saria...really... liked...him"

Saria

Oh, you're leaving... I always knew that one day, this day would come. I've always known we're so different, and I'm not sad, because you have a lot ahead of you. I want you to take this. Don't forget me.

Yahoo! Hi, Link! (Link climbs down from his tree house to Saria) Wow! A fairy! Finally, a fairy came to you, Link! Wow! That's great news! I'm so happy for you! Now you're a true Kokiri, Link! Is that right? The Great Deku Tree has summoned you? It's quite an honor to talk to the Great Deku Tree. I'll wait for you here. Get going! Go see the Great Deku Tree!

(after you learn Saria's Song) Great! Great! Please don't forget this song! Do you promise? When you want to hear my voice, play Saria's Song. You can talk with me anytime...

The Forest Barrier is dispelled! Hurry up, Link!

I've been waiting for you, Link! This is the Sacred Forest Meadow. It's my secret place! I feel... This place will be very important for both of us someday. That's what I feel. If you play the Ocarina here, you can talk with the spirits in the forest. Would you like to play the Ocarina with me? (Link says "yes") Okay. try to follow along with the melody I will play. Are you ready? (she plays Saria's Song)

Thank you... Because of you, I could awaken as a Sage... I am Saria. The Sage of the Forest Temple... I always believed you would come. Because I know you... No... You don't have to explain it to me... Because it is destiny that you and I can't live in the same world. I will stay here as the Forest Sage and help you... Now, please take this Medallion...

(after giving Link the Forest Medallion) Saria will always be... your friend...

Malon

Your clothes, they're so different. Wait, are you from the forest, fairy boy?

My mother composed this song. Isn't it nice? Let's sing it together!

You have an ocarina?

It seems like Epona is afraid of you, fairy boy...

Oh, it's the fairy boy again! I heard you found my dad! How did you like the castle? Did you see the Princess? Hee hee! Dad came home in a hurry after you found him. Hee hee! Oh yeah, I have to introduce you to my friend, fairy boy! She's this horse. Her name is Epona. Isn't she cute?

(Link with his ocarina out) Oh, cute ocarina! Are you going to play this song with that ocarina? (sings Epona's Song)

Talon

YEES! You did it! What would you like as your prize? How'd you like to marry Malon?

These three here are SUPER CUCCOS.

She's really gonna let me have it!

Mumble... mumble... I'm awake already!

What in tarnation!?

Nabooru

I haven't seen you around, kid... What do you want?

You're just a kid! The temple is no place for kids!

A Sage? I don't know anyone like that.

You have nothing to do? What good timing! Can you do me a favor, kid? Wait a second, I want to ask you first-you wouldn't happen to be one of Ganondorf's... followers...would you?

Wha-ha-ha! Don't try to act cool, kid. I was just asking! A kid like you could never be one of Ganondorf's followers! Well, let's cut to the chase...

Uh-huh! You've got guts. I think I like you.

First of all, let me introduce myself. I'm Nabooru of the Gerudo. I'm a lone wolf thief. But don't get me wrong! Though we're both thieves, I'm completely different from Ganondorf. With his followers, he stole from women and children, and he even killed people! A kid like you may not know this, but the Gerudo race consists only of women. Only one man is born every hundred years... Even though our laws say that lone male Gerudo must become King of the Gerudo, I'll never bow to such an evil man! By the way, what is your name, kid? Link?! What kind of name is that? Well...anyway... I want to ask you a favor... Will you go through this tiny hole and get a treasure that's inside? The treasure is the Silver Gauntlets. If you equip them, you can easily push and pull very heavy things! No, no, no, kid! Don't even think about taking this treasure for yourself! The Silver Gauntlets won't fit a little kid like you if you try to equip them! I want you to be a good boy and give them to me! Ganondorf and his minions are using the Spirit Temple as a hideout. Only the Silver Gauntlets will allow me to sneak deep into the temple. Once there, I'm going to steal all the treasure inside and mess up their plans! How about it? Will you do it?

(after Link agrees to get the Silver Gauntlets) Thanks, kid! You and I, let's give Ganondorf and his followers a big surprise, shall we?

If you can successfully get the Silver Gauntlets... I'll do something great for you!

Where are you taking me? Let me go! Link, get out of here! NOW!

The Spirit Barrier is dispelled! Hurry up, kid!

Kid, let me thank you. Heheheh... look what the little kid has become in the past seven years- a competent swordsman! By the way... I really messed up... I was brainwashed by those old witches and used by Ganondorf to do his evil will... But isn't that funny? That a person like me could turn out to be the Sage of Spirit! And now, I'm going to fight them as one of the six Sages! Heh heh... I'm going to pay them back for what they did to me! Kid... No... Link, the Hero of Time! Instead of keeping my promise I made back then, I give you this Medallion!

(after giving Link the Spirit Medallion) If only I knew you would become such a handsome man, I should have kept the promise I made back then...

Ruto

You! Who are you?! I am Ruto, Princess of the Zoras. What?! Are you saying my father asked you to come here to save me? I'd never ask anyone to do such a thing! "Letter in a Bottle?" I have no idea what you're talking about! My father is worried about me? I don't care! Anyway, I can't go home right now. And you... Get out of here! Understand?!

Are you still hanging around here? I told you to go away! I'm OK. I've been going inside Lord Jabu-Jabu's belly since I was little, but... Lord Jabu-Jabu is very strange today... There are electrified jellyfish and strange holes around... On top of that, my precious stone was...but... That's none of your business! Anyway... You! Go home now! Understand?!

You're that worried about me? Then I will give you the honor of carrying me! However...I won't leave until I find the thing I'm looking for. You'd better believe me!

How inconsiderate! How could you leave me behind?! If you're a man, act like one! Take responsibility!

That's it! That's what I've been looking for! Throw me up there! Onto the platform!

Oh my goodness! I finally found... My mother's stone... I got very upset when Lord Jabu-Jabu swallowed it... While I was feeding him, he suddenly swallowed me! I was so surprised I dropped it inside... But, now that I've found it, I don't need to be in here anymore!

So, take me home, right now!

You...You're late! What took you so long? You're useless! I was just lonely, that's all... Just a little!

I was scared... A little! Just a little!

You! You looked cool...cooler than I thought you would, anyway... Just a little! Well, anyway, you saved me, so I guess I'll reward you. What do you wish? Just tell me...

You mean the Spiritual Stone of Water, Zora's Sapphire, don't you?

My mother gave it to me and said I should give it only to the man who will be my husband. You might call it the Zora's Engagement Ring! All right! I'll give you my most precious possession: Zora's Sapphire!

Don't tell my father...

Did my most precious possession help you in your quest? Heehee!

Oh...you... If I'm right... Link?! You're Link, aren't you? It's me, your fiancée, Ruto! Princess of the Zoras! I never forgot the vows we made to each other seven years ago! You're a terrible man to have kept me waiting for these seven long years... But now is not the time to talk about love... I'm sure you've already seen it! Zora's Domain-totally frozen! A young man named Sheik saved me from under the ice... But my father and the other Zoras have not ...yet... I want to save them all! I want to save Zora's Domain! You! You have to help me! This is a request from me, the woman who is going to be your wife! Link, you have to help me destroy the evil monster in the Temple, OK?! Inside the Water Temple, there are three places where you can change the water level. I'll lead the way. Follow me, quickly!

Link... I would have expected no less from the man I chose to be my husband. Zora's Domain and its people will eventually return to their original state.

[inside the chamber of Sages] And now I grant my eternal love to you. [Link steps back in shock]

(after giving Link the Water Medallion) If you see Sheik, please give him my thanks... OK?

The Water Barrier is dispelled! Hurry up!

Deku Tree

Navi... Navi, where art thou? Come hither. Oh Navi, the fairy, listen to my words... The words of the Deku Tree... Dost thou sense it? The climate of evil is descending upon this realm. Malevolent forces even are now mustering at attack our land of Hyrule. For so long, the Kokiri Forest, the source of life, stood as a barrier, deterring outsiders and mantaining order of the world. But before this tremendous evil power, even my power is as nothing. It seems the time has come for the boy without a fairy to begin his journey. The youth whose destiny it is to lead Hyrule to the path of justice and truth. Navi, go now! Find our young friend and guide him to me. I do not have much time left. Fly, Navi, fly! The fate of the forest, nay, the world, depends upon thee!

Verily, thou hast felt it.

The time has come to test thy courage.

Enter Link, and you too, Navi. Press C(up) to listen to Navi and her words of wisdom.

Oh... Navi... Thou hast returned. Link... Welcome. Listen carefully to what I, the Great Deku Tree, am about to tell thee...

Then enter, brave Link, and thou too, Navi. Navi the fairy, thou must aid Link. And Link, when Navi speaks, press C(up) and listen well to her words of wisdom.

In the vast, deep forest of Hyrule... Long I have I served as the guardian spirit... I am known as the Deku Tree... The children of the forest, the Kokiri, live here with me. Each Kokiri has his or her own guardian fairy. However, thine is one boy who does not have a fairy…

Kaepora Gaebora

Hey, over here! Hoo hoo! Link...Good to see you again! Listen to this! Hoot hoot...

After going through the Lost Woods, you will come upon the Sacred Forest Meadow. That is a sacred place where few people have ever walked. Shhhh...What's that? I can hear a mysterious tune... You should listen for that tune too... Hoo hoo ho!

If you are courageous, you will make it through the forest just fine... Just follow your ears and listen to the sounds coming from the forest! Hoot hoot!

Hoo hoo! Did you learn an Ocarina song from Saria? That melody seems to have some mysterious power. There may be some other mysterious songs like this that you can learn in Hyrule.

If you hold the Ocarina with (C) where a melody is necessary, a musical staff will appear. I recommend that you play a song you know. I also suggest that you play even when a score is not displayed. Just like this: Hoo hoo hoo hoot hoot hoot!

Do you want to hear what I said again?

Hoo hoot! Link... Look up here! It appears that the time has finally come for you to start your adventure! You will encounter many hardships ahead... That is your fate. Don't feel discouraged, even during the toughest times!

Go straight this way and you will see Hyrule Castle. You will meet a princess there... If you are lost and don't know which way to go, look at the Map. The areas you have explored will be shown on the Map. Press START to enter the Subscreens and (Z) or (R) to find the Map. On the Map Subscreen, you will also see a flashing dot showing you which way you should go next.

Did you get all that?

All right then, I'll see you around! Hoot hoot hoot ho!

Hey, Link! This way! The princess is inside the castle just ahead. Be careful not to get caught by the guards! Ho ho ho hoot!

On this ground, time flows normally. But time stands still while you are in Lon Lon Ranch or in a town. If you want time to pass normally, you'll need to leave town. Well, well, which way are you going to go now? Hoo hoo hoot!

Hoooo. You're a smart kid. Good luck, then. Hoo hoo.

Hey, Link! Wait a second, friend! Beyond this point you'll find Kakariko Village. Have you seen the Princess of Hyrule? If not, I suggest you go to the castle.

Hey, Link! Look over here! Beyond this point you'll find Kakariko Village. Watch your step! Hoot hoo!

Link, you're the only one who can complete the quest ahead! You must do your best! Hoo!

Link! Wait up, buddy! Hoo hoo! Head south from here to reach Lake Hylia's full, rich waters. If you go west, you'll find Gerudo Valley. There's a hideout of a gang of thieves on the other side of the valley. Well, you're free to go anywhere you want! Ho ho ho...hooo!

No matter how hard it is, just don't get discouraged. Ho Ho Hoo!

Beyond this point lies Lake Hylia. It is full of deep, pure water. The Zoras, who live all the way upstream, guard the sunken temple at the lake's bottom, as well as Zora's Fountain. If you want to confirm its location on the map, press START to switch to the Subscreens and (Z) or (R) to find the Map. All the places you have visited will be shown on the map. Ho hoo hoot!

You've done well to come all the way up here, Link. This is the summit of the sacred Death Mountain! Hoot! It is said that the clouds surrounding this peak reflect the condition of Death Mountain. When they look normal, it is at peace. Climbing all the way up here just proves how smart you are! Now I want to see you make another smart move... The Great Fairy lives on this mountaintop, and she will give you a new skill! She is the leader of the fairies, you know. Hoo! I will perch here and wait for you. When you're ready to go back down, I can help you! Now, get going!

Hoo hoot! Well, it looks like you've grown up a little from the Great Fairy's power... But you still don't really look like the hero who will save Hyrule. At least not yet! If you are going back down the mountain, I can lend you a wing. Come here and grab my talons! And hold on tight! Hoo hooooooot!

Link! This way! Hoo hoo! I wonder what Saria is doing now? How about going back to the forest sometime?

What are you doing? You've come a long way to get up here... You should look at the Map Subscreen sometimes. Link, this is a beautiful lake full of pure, clear water. At the lake bottom there is a Water Temple used to worship the water spirits. The Zoras are guardians of the temple. Hoo hoo. The Zoras come from Zora's Domain in northeast Hyrule. An aquatic race, they are longtime allies of Hyrule's Royal Family. I heard that only the Royal Family of Hyrule can enter Zora's Domain... Hoo hoo! I'm on my way back to the castle. If you want to come with me, hold on to my talons!

I'm on my way back to the castle. If you want to come with me, hold on to my talons!

Hoot hoot! Link, you look like you're getting more comfortable in your role as adventurer. I think Princess Zelda is waiting for you to visit her again. You already have the Goron's Ruby, don't you?

Hoo hoo! Looks like you've gotten bigger and stronger already, Link! Just ahead lies Zora's Domain. The Zoras serve Hyrule's Royal Family by protecting this water source. Their door will not open for anyone except those who have some connection with the Royal Family. Let them hear the melody of the Royal Family! Hooo hoo hoooot!

From now on, the future of all the people in Hyrule is on your shoulders. Maybe it's not my time anymore. Here is my last advice. Two witches inhabit this temple. In order to destroy them, turn their own magic power against them. Hoo hoot!

I will continue to watch you... Hoo hoo hoo hoot!

Gossip Stones

They say that there is a secret near the lone tree which is not far from the river in the northwest part of Hyrule Field.

They say that there is a secret on the road that leads to Lake Hylia.

They say that Biggoron's Sword is super sharp and will never break.

They say that Medigoron didn't really think about his own size, so his store is really cramped.

They say that Malon set the original record in the obstacle course of Lon Lon Ranch.

They say that Malon of Lon Lon Ranch hopes a knight in shining armor will come and sweep her off her feet someday.

They say that Ruto, the Zora Princess who is known for her selfish nature, likes a certain boy...

They say that players who select the "HOLD" option for "Z TARGETING" are the real "Zelda players!"

They say that there is a secret near a tree in Kakariko Village.

They say that, contrary to her elegant image, Princess Zelda of Hyrule Castle is, in fact, a tomboy!

They say that Princess Zelda's nanny is actually one of the Sheikah, who many thought had died out.

They say that there is a man who can always be found running around in Hyrule Field.

They say that it is against the rules to use glasses at the Treasure Chest Shop in Hyrule Castle Town Market.

They say that the Chicken Lady goes to the Lakeside Laboratory to study how to breed pocket-sized Cuccos.

They say that Gerudos sometimes come to Hyrule Castle Town to look for boyfriends.

They say that the thief named Nabooru, who haunts this area, is a Gerudo.

They say that if you get close to a butterfly while holding a Deku Stick in your hands, something good will happen.

They say that you may find something new in dungeons that you have already finished.

They say that Gerudos worship Ganondorf almost like a god.

They say that there is a secret around the entrance to Gerudo Valley.

They say that the owl named Kaepora Gaebora is the reincarnation of an ancient Sage.

They say that strange owl, Kaepora Gaebora, may look big and heavy, but its character is rather lighthearted.

They say that the horse Ganondorf rides is a solid black Gerudo stallion.

They say that Ganondorf is not satisfied with ruling only the Gerudo and aims to conquer all of Hyrule!

They say that the treasure you can earn in the Gerudo's Training Ground is not as great as you would expect, given its difficulty!

They say that there is a switch that you can activate only by using the Spin Attack.

They say that it's possible to find a total of 100 Gold Skulltulas throughout Hyrule.

They say that when non-fairy folk enter the Lost Woods, they become monsters!

They say that the small holes in the ground that you can find all over Hyrule make perfect breeding ground for bugs.

They say that the Kokiri are always followed by small fairies.

They say that one Kokiri has left the forest, but he is still alive!

4092 (Occasional Glitch)

Hyrule Villagers

(when wearing mask)YEEEAAARGH What's your problem?

I can't catch that Cucco!

That's not my dog! How dare you mix my dog up with this mutt

Young children shouldn't be walking the streets at night, go home and get to bed

What?...oh...a customer?

You heard about us from the guard at the death mountain gate? Well I'll have to give you a special discount then!

Please with C. Please sell me something. Please, with C

They say we Hylians have big ears in order to hear the voices of the gods...but I've never heard them!

Man, I am SO bored... Things would sure be more interesting if there were more... troubles in the world... Hey, that's just between you and me, OK? Anyway, maybe we can let off some steam by breaking these jars.

There's a lot going on in the castle right now. I can't allow even a dog to get into the castle!

I'm late! I'm late! For a very important date!

Kakariko Villagers

But these aren't real men, they just run around aimlessly

Don't touch the graves, I'll tell Dampé

Please rescue my cuccos, I have allergies which means I get goosebumps whenever I touch them. ~Chicken Lady

This is surely Princess Zelda's handwriting! Well, let's see... Hmm...ok... (reading Zelda's Letter) "This is Link. He is under my orders to save Hyrule" Wa ha ha ha hah! What kind of funny game has our princess come up with now? OK. OK, all right. You can go up now... Just be careful, Mr. Hero! Wah hah ha ha hah! ~Death Mountain guard.

They say that there is no medicine that can cure a fool... I guess that's true. ~Woman in the potion shop

Darunia

Oh! Oh-oh! C'mon! Come on! Come on! Come on! HOT! What a hot beat! WHOOOOAH! YEEEEAH! YAHOOO!

If you want the Spiritual Stone, why don't you go and clear out all the monsters from Dodongo's Cavern!

(after giving Link the Fire Medallion) Don't forget... Now you and I are now true Brothers!

The Fire Barrier is dispelled! Hurry up, Brother!

Thank you, Brother! I really appreciate what you did. I thank you on behalf of the entire Goron race! You turned out to be a real man, just as I thought you would! By the way, I, the wild Darunia, turned out to be the great Sage of Fire! Isn't that funny, Brother? Well, this must be what they call destiny. Nothing has made me happier than helping you seal the evil away! Hey, Brother,take this! This a Medallion that contains the power of the fire spirits- and my friendship!

Spiritual Stone Messages

You received the Kokiri Emerald. This legend of the Kokiri is granted to you by the Deku Tree

You received the Goron's Ruby, the second spiritual stone. Sworn Brother? You don't know what he means by this...

You received the Zora's Sapphire, the final spiritual stone. Zora's engagement ring? You don't know what she means by this, but now you have all the spiritual stones. Go back to see Princess Zelda

Princess Ruto got the spiritual stone! But why Princess Ruto?

You received the Zora's Sapphire, Her most precious possession? You don't know what she's talking about, but you've collected two Spiritual Stones! Only one to go!

Miscellaneous

The rising sun will eventually set, a newborn's life will fade. From sun to moon, moon to sun. Give peaceful rest to the living dead. ~Sun's Song Inscription

Restless souls wander where they don't belong. Bring them calm with the Sun's Song. ~Sun's Song Message referring to the [ReDeads]

Hi there, I'm the Deku Tree Sprout! ~Deku Tree Sprout

I'm a talking door. ~Door [from text dump]

This door is currently being refurbished. ~Note [from text dump]

You know, If I was as good looking as you, I'd start another type of business! ~Poe Merchant

ROWRRRRR ~Redead

Hee Hee Hee Hee Hee... ~Poe

Help me. I'm waiting for you inside Lord Jabu-Jabu's belly. -Ruto PS: Don't tell my father! ~Letter in a bottle

I'm the wandering running man! I've run all over this land in search of true competitive spirit. I beat all my challengers, man and beast. You're an athletic guy, and you look like you might have a true killer instinct, too. Now that the bridge over Gerudo Valley is complete, I'm looking for a challenger to have a commemorative race against. ~Running Man

Moooooooooo! What a nice song... It reminds me of the pasture... That song makes me feel so good, I can produce a lot of milk! ~Cow

Have some of my refreshing and nutritious milk! ~Cow

Ow-ow-ow! Please forgive me, Master! If I give you a clue, will you let me go? When you jump off a high cliff, if you hold (the control stick) forward, you will roll on the ground when you land, and won't get hurt from the fall. I can't guarantee it will work, though, if the cliff is really, really high. Hee hee. Well, try it if you're feeling bold. Wah ha hah!~ first Deku Scrub

Go around! Go around and around and around! What fun! I'm so happy! I'm a music man who loves to go around and around! Go around and around! I'm trying to come up with a musical theme inspired by this windmill... going around and around and around!~ Windmill Man

Heh heh... As promised, you keep the horse. However... I'll never let you leave this ranch!~ Ingo

Saria wanted to see you... Did she find you already?~ Kokiri girl

The three goddesses hid the Triforce containing the power of the

gods somewhere in Hyrule. The power to grant the wish of the one who

holds the Triforce in his hands. If someone with a righteous heart

makes a wish, it will lead Hyrule to a golden age of prosperity...

If someone with an evil mind has his wish granted, the world will

be consumed by evil...That is what has been told... So, the ancient

Sages built the Temple of Time to protect the Triforce from evil

ones.

That's right... The Temple of Time is the entrance through which

you can enter the Sacred Realm from our world. But the entrance is

sealed with a stone wall called the Door of Time. And, in order to

open the door, it is said that you need to collect three Spiritual

Stones.

And another thing you need...is the treasure that the Royal Family

keeps along with this legend... The Ocarina of Time!

Rauru

The Light Barrier is dispelled! Hurry!

Link... Wake up, Link, the chosen one... I am Rauru, one of the acient Sages... Ages ago, we acient Sages built the Temple of Time to protect the entrance to the Sacred Realm... This is the Chamber of Sages, inside the Temple of Light... The Temple of Light, situated in the very center of the Sacred Realm, is the last stronghold against Ganondorf's evil forces. The Master Sword-the evil-destroying sword that you pulled out of the Pedestal of Time- was the final key to the Sacred Realm. Link... Don't be alarmed... Look at yourself...! (the camera zooms out to reveal a seventeen-year-old Link)

Ancient Creators of Hyrule! Now open the sealed door and send the Evil Incarnation of Darkness into the void of the Evil Realm!

Impa

My role in the Princess's dream was to teach a melody to the one from the forest. This is an ancient melody passed down by the Royal Family. I have played this song for Princess Zelda as a lullaby ever since she was a baby... There is mysterious powers in these notes. Now listen carefully... (plays Zelda's Lullaby)

(after teaching Link Zelda's Lullaby) If the castle soldiers find you, there will be trouble. Let me lead out of the castle. (in Hyrule Field) You brave lad... We must protect this beautiful land of Hyrule! Take a good look at that mountain. That is Death Mountain, home of the Gorons. They hold the Spiritual Stone of Fire. At the foot of Death Mountain, you will find my village: Kakariko. There is where I was born and raised. You should talk to some of the villagers ther before you go up Death Mountain. The song I just taught you has mysterious power. Only Royal Family members are allowed to learn this song. Remember, it will help you to prove your connection with the Royal Family. The Princess is waiting for you to return to the castle with stones. All right. We're counting on you! (she throws a Deku Nut and vanishes)

(after giving Link the Shadow Medallion) Please look out for the Princess.

Tatl

You can't, Tael! What would we do if you dropped it and broke it? No way! You can't touch it!

Whoa! Whoa! Skull Kid, wait for me! I'm still here! Tael, you can't leave without me! (she bangs against the door, but she stops and turns to Deku Link) You! If I wasn't dealing with you, I wouldn't have gotten separated from my brother! Well, don't just sit there, Deku boy! Do something! ...Why are you looking at me like that? What, is there something stuck on my face? Will you stop staring at me and open that door for me?! Please! C'mon, a helpless, little girl is asking you... So hurry up! Ohhhh, Tael... I wonder if that child will be all right on his own?

Hey, wait for me! Don't leave me behind! So, um, that stuff back there... I, um, apologize... so... So take me with you! You wanna know about that Skull Kid who just ran off, right? Well, I just so happen to have an idea where he might be going. Take me with you and I'll help you out. Deal? Please? Good! So then it's settled! I'll be your partner... or at least, until we catch that Skull Kid. My name's Tatl. So, uh, it's nice to meet you or whatever. Now that we've got all that straightened out, can we stop messing around and get moving?!

Snap out of it! What are you doing lost in your memories?! Get yourself together! Getting that old ocarina back isn't gonna help us! Somebody! Anybody! Goddess of Time, help us please! We need more time!

Huh? When did you get that instrument?!

Oh no! The Great Fairy!

(after Link reverses time) W-What just happened?! Everything has... started over... Wha... What are you, anyway? That song you played... That instrument... ...That instrument! Wait! That's it! Your instrument! The mask salesman said that if you got the precious thing that was stolen from you, he could return you to normal! Did you completely forget or what?

Nooo! What are you doing to my brother? Skull Kid, do you still think you're our friend after that?!

Ah! Tael! We've been looking for you two. Hey, Skull Kid, what if you gave that mask you're wearing back now? Hey, c'mon, are you listening?

Majora's Mask

A puppet that can no longer be used is mere garbage. This puppet's role has just ended...

Do you want to play with me? OK, let's play good guys and bad guys... I'll be the good guy, and you be the bad guy...

Moon Children

Heh, heh... Thanks... You're nice. Umm... Can I ask... a question? Your friends... What kind of... people are they? I wonder... Do these people... think of you... as a friend? (Child wearing Odolwa's mask)

Heh, heh... Thanks... You're nice. Umm... Can I ask... a question? What makes you happy? I wonder...what makes you happy...does it make...others happy, too? (Child wearing Goht's mask)

Heh, heh... Thanks... You're nice. Umm... Can I ask... a question? The right thing...what is it? I wonder...if you do the right thing...does it really make...everybody...happy? (Child wearing Gyorg's mask)

Heh, heh... Thanks... You're nice. Umm... Can I ask... a question? Your true face... What kind of... face is it? I wonder... The face under the mask... Is that... your true face? (Child wearing Twinmold's mask)

Moon

I... I shall consume. Consume... consume everything...

Rumble... Rumble... Rumble... Rumble...

Happy Mask Salesman

You've met with a terrible fate, haven't you?

Don't tell me... my mask... you did get it back, didn't you? (he picks up Link and shakes him violently) What have you done to me?!

If you don't get that mask back soon, something terrible will happen!

Whenever there is a meeting, a parting is sure to follow. However, that parting need not last forever... Whether a parting be forever or merely for a short time... That is up to you.

Believe in your strengths...Believe...

I own the Happy Mask Shop. I travel far and wide in search for masks. During my travels, a very important mask was stolen from me by an imp in the woods. So here I am at a loss... And now I've found you. Now don't think me rude, but I have been following you... For I know of a way to return to your former self. If you can get back the precious item that was stolen from you, I will return you back to normal. In exchange, all I ask is that you also get back my precious mask that imp stole from me. What? Is that not a simple task? Why, to someone like you, it should be by no means be a difficult task. Except... The one thing is... I'm a very busy fellow... And I must leave this place in three days. How grateful I would be if you could bring it back to me before my time here is up. But, yes... You'll do fine. I see you are young and have tremendous courage. I'm sure you'll find it right away. Well then, I am counting on you...

Then listen to me. Please play this song that I am about to perform, and remember it well... This is a melody that heals evil magic and troubled spirits, turning them into masks. I am sure it will be of assistance to you in the future.

I went to great lengths to get that legendary mask. When I finally had it... I could sense the doom of a dark omen brewing. It was that unwelcome feeling that makes your hair stand on end. And now... that imp has it... I am begging you! You must get that mask back quickly or something horrible will happen!

Skull Kid

Hee, hee. You two fairies did great! I wonder if he has anything good on him. Huh? This guy... Well, that shouldn't be a problem!

What's with that stupid horse of yours? It doesn't listen to a word I said to it. There's no point in riding a thing like that. So I did you a favor and got rid of it. Hee hee! Aw, boo hoo. Why the sad face? I just thought I'd have a little fun with you. Oh, come now, do you really think you can beat me as I am now? Fool!

Hee hee! Now that's a good look for you! You'll stay here looking like that way forever!

Eh-hee-hee...You have the same smell as the fairy kid who taught me that song in the woods...

Well whatever. Even if they were to come now, they wouldn't be able to handle me... Hee, hee. Just look above you... If it's something that can be stopped, then just try to stop it! EEEYAAHHH!

Minor Characters

I grant to you a soldier who has no heart. One who will not falter in the darkness.~ King of Ikana

I beg you! Bring back to life with your magic! If it is beyond your power, then I beg of you to do this for me instead... Heal my sorrows. Any way that you can do it will suffice... Please...heal my sorrows.~ Darmani

Please take refuge. We're fine with this. We're going to greet the morning, together.~ Anju

I'm not doing anything suspicious.. Really!~ Sakon

To die without leaving a corpse... That is the way of us Garo.~ Garo Ninja

Tingle Tingle! Kooloo-LimPAH! These are the magic words Tingle created himself. Don't steal them!~ Tingle

Haven't you begun to understand? The kingdom being ruined and us left in this state... Isn't it petty, little battles like this that have caused it?~ Igos du Ikana

Believing in your friends and embracing that belief by forgiving failure. These feelings have vanished from our hearts.~ Igos du Ikana

Swamp. Mountain. Ocean. Canyon. Hurry... The four that are there... bring them here...~ Tael

Dingdinginginging!~ Tatl

The thousand years of raindrops summoned by my song are my tears. The thunder that strikes the earth is my anger.~ Flat

Foolish Monkey!~ Deku King

In the land of Hyrule, there echoes a legend. A legend held dearly by the Royal Family tells of a boy... A boy who, after battling evil and saving Hyrule, crept away from the land that made him a legend... Done with the battles he once waged across time, he embarked on a journey. A secret and personal journey... A journey in search of a beloved and invaluable friend... A friend with whom he parted ways when he finally fulfilled his heroic destiny and took his place among legends...~ Prologue

You are already leaving this land of Hyrule, aren't you? Even though it was only a short time, I feel like I've known you forever. I'll never forget the days we spent together in Hyrule... And I believe in my heart that a day will come when I shall meet you again... Until that day comes, please... Take this... (she holds out the Ocarina of Time) I am praying... I am praying that your journey be a safe one... If something should happen to you, remember this song... (she plays the Song of Time, Link repeats the Song of Time)~ Princess Zelda

Ooh, ooh! What a pretty ocarina... Skull Kid, lemme touch it! I wanna see it!~ Tael

(While Link is being hugged by Cremia) You feel all warm and fuzzy! inside! Sigh... You could get used to this!~ Narrator

Bah! Bother! I'm busy!~ Gorman

Why could a...? Why could a...? A man join? Cause man is a, animal too. But.. Why was the..? Why was the.. The dog the leader? Was it cause some thing was, wrong with me sir? So that is why..That is why... I stole the dogs mask, The dogs mask, I stole it... ~ Guru-Guru, the Traveling Musician

Dangoro

Whoa... Human?! What business does a human have coming here?! None! No business! This is a forbidden place! I will protect this treasure from you!

Ugh... That...hurt a lot. Who knew that humans were capable of such feats of strength...

Epona

(When speaking to her in wolf form) Link... Hurry up and return to your true self...

Ganondorf

I shall house my power in you... If there is anything you desire then I shall desire it, too.

Welcome to my castle.

Your people have long amused me, Midna. To defy the gods with such petty magic, only to be cast aside… How very pathetic. Pathetic as they were, though, they served me well. Their anguish was my nourishment. Their hatred bled across the void and awakened me. I drank deep of it and grew strong again. Your people had some skill, to be sure…but they lacked true power. The kind of absolute power that those chosen by the gods wield. He who wields such power would make a suitable king for this world, don't you think?

(While possessing Zelda) And you two...faithless fools, who dare take up arms against the King of Light and Shadow. So you choose. And so you shall feel my wrath!

Shadow has been moved by light, it seems … how amusing. Very well... Deny me, then! Yes, try to deny me... You and your little friend...

An impressive-looking blade... But nothing more.

Would you hear my desire? To take this foul blade... and use it to blot out the light forever!

Do not think this ends here... The history of light and shadow will be written in blood!

Hero's Shade

A sword wields no strength unless the hand that holds it has courage. You may be destined to become the hero of legend...but your current power would disgrace the proud green of the hero's tunic you wear. You must use your courage to seek power...and find it you must. Only then will you become the hero for whom this world despairs.

If you do find true courage, and you wish to save Hyrule from the horrors it now faces... Then you will be worthy to receive the secrets I hold!

Those are for only for the one who carries the blood of the hero...the one whose spirit is that of the sublime beast.

You have at last mastered all of the hidden skills. Although I accepted life as the hero, I could not convey the lessons of that life to those who came after. At last, I have eased those regrets. You who have marched through countless foes, each mightier then the last... You who now gaze to the future with vision unclouded... Surely you can restore Hyrule to its stature of yore as the chosen land of the gods. ...Farwell!

Go and do not falter, my child!

Ilia

Oh, hi, Link. I washed Epona for you!

Epona is a girl too, so you have to treat her nice like one!

Oh, but listen, Link... Could you do something for me? Can you use a piece of grass to play that song for me? You know, the one that Epona likes? I tried to play it for Epona, but I just can't seem to play it the way you can, Link.

It's such a nice melody... Epona looks happy.

Well, she's all prettied up now, so I suppose you can ride her back. But don't you make her do too much, OK?

The path before you is long, my sweet horse...but please bear Link safely along it. Wait... What's this? What's happened? She's injured, isn't she? Link? How could you! You were pushing Epona too hard again! I bet you hurt her leg jumping fences, didn't you!

But, Link... Can you at least promise me this? Just come home safely.

Thanks to you, this child is saved. I want to thank you for being so kind to someone like me... Someone you don't even know.

Through Renado's kindness, I, too, have been allowed to stay a little longer under his care in this village. The children here are all so kind. Such a lovely little village...

I... I knew you once... Yes... This feels so familiar... The scent of hay... Long ago... When we were young, you and I... You were always there... You were always beside me... Link. This gift was meant for you. It was something I wanted to give you before you left on your journey. Please, Link, take it. You don't need to worry about me any longer. Whenever you return... I'll be waiting for you. Link... Do you remember what I was saying about the rod of the heavens? Well, actually... It was about the messenger to the heavens who held the rod... The nice woman who saved me told me about it... Apparently, in this woman's village, they've guarded something for the heavenly messenger for generations, so they await him. But they can't give this item away until the messenger arrives with the rod... That's why the lady couldn't leave her village, you see... Say, Link... Do you have any idea who this messenger to the heavens might be? Or even what the rod is?

I will be all right, Link. I will be waiting here with the children until you return! So...don't worry about us, OK?

Impaz

Go home, you savages! Go on, git! I don't have any food left to feed you monsters! And I don't know anything about the girl! I'm not opening up until every last one of you is gone! You heard me! So get out of here!

The howls of the beasts... They've faded into silence... Wait, are you... The savior! It's you, the savior! Please, please forgive me...for not opening up the door. My name is Impaz. I'm the last resident of this poor village.

My name comes from the great one who built this village so long ago... This village was once the secret home of a proud tribe who served the royal family... But it fell into decline, and became infested with dangerous beasts. It's become an awful place...

Excuse me for asking, but is your name...Link? Ah! I knew it... So then, you saved that nice girl? ...How lovely. When she was here, she would often cheer me up by saying that you would come to help. That sweet girl... She worried about this old woman even as I helped her to escape from here... By royal order, I can't leave this place until a certain person arrives. ...No matter what terrible fate is visited upon it...

Oh, but listen to me blather on! I have a favor to ask: would you help me return this to her? I think she always kept it close to her heart, but even so, she didn't hesitate to part with it in order to protect me... I believe in my heart that it's kept me safe all this time... So please... I ask that you return it to that girl.

Kili, Hanna and Misha

(After Link wins the STAR Game) EEEK! It's HIM! (swoon)

King Bulblin

I have come to play!

Enough.

I follow the strongest side!... That is all I have ever known.

Lanayru

When all was chaos, the goddesses descended and gave order and life to the world. They granted power equally to all who dwelt in the light, and then returned to the heavens.

Those who do not know the danger of wielding power will, before long, be ruled by it...Never forget that.

Midna

(after Wolf Link sets a house on fire) What did you do? Sorry, but as romantic as this is, I'm not going to stay here with you, I'm getting out!

(while Wolf Link is in a burning building) HEY! If you don't hurry up and get out... Ohh, I can't even say it!

So, you're not absolutely stupid after all! (To Link in Wolf form)

Huh, what is it?

I want you to do me a favor. I can't give you the details now, but it will be easy.

You don't have to look so sad! We actually find it to be quite livable! I mean, is perpetual twilight really all that bad?

Ha. Such conceit.

Look at that open window... This village is full of idiots.

Well, well... You're the chosen hero and all that, huh? So THAT'S why you turned into that beast!

You're just now figuring out where Zant got his power? It's far too late...

:(You press the Z button (GameCube)/up on the D-pad (Wii) after beating the Lakebed temple semi-boss): Ewww... That wasn't good for my appetite...

Zelda...I've taken all you had to give,though I did not want it.

Some call our realm a world of shadows, but that makes it sound so unpleasant... The twilight there holds a serene beauty... You have seen it yourself as the sun sets on this world. Bathed in that light, all the people were pure and gentle... But things changed once that foul power pervaded the world...

Zant. Isn't this ironic? Here we are, all thanks to the dark magic curse you placed on Link!

So Ganondorf was just using Zant to help him return to the world of light... I guess now we know the true nature of that barrier over Hyrule Castle... He's in Hyrule Castle, I'm sure of it... Princess Zelda is in grave danger! We must return to the world of light and hurry to the castle!

(After the King Bulblin spoke to Link) Link, he... He spoke.

(When her curse is lifted) What? Say something! Am I so beautiful you've no words left?

Well…I guess this is farewell, huh? Light and shadow can't mix, as we all know. But… Never forget that there's another world bound to this one.

Thank you… Well, the princess spoke truly—as long as that mirror's around, we could meet again… Link… I… See you later… (The Mirror of Twilight is shattered as Midna departs for the Twilight Realm)

So, you're...Ganondorf. I've been dying to meet you!

There, there. You be a good boy and calm down. No need to bite! So! I bet you're wondering, where are we?! Well, I'll make you a deal. If you can get over here, I'll tell you. Eee hee!

I found you! Oooh! Aren't you scary? Eee hee! Are you sure you want to be doing that? Snarling and glaring at me? Well, that's too bad... I was planning on helping you... if you were nice. (Wolf Link calms down) Eee hee! That's much better! You humans are obedient to a fault, aren't you? Oops! But you AREN'T human anymore, are you? You're a beast! Eee hee!

There. We finally got the second piece of the mirror. But still, I feel bad for the way we treated that poor girl. This world... ALL worlds can be cruel.

No matter what, a fake is a fake, and no matter how much you try to dress it up, the real thing always wins!

What an honer you know my name.

Postman

HEEEEEEY! Go no further! There is a black wall ahead that blocks the way!

I am the honorable and dependable letter carrier, known to some as... the postman.

(After Link completes the Cave of Ordeals a second time) I think you are lost. It's got to be around here somewhere...

(In Telma's bar) Hmm - what to order, what to order... I do believe I will start with meat.

(At a stove in Kakariko Village's Inn) I dropped a letter into the hot springs and now I can't read it. Gotta blow this thing dry!

(In goat barn at Ordon) We can't just let this goat eat the letter!

(behind queen zora's chair at zora domain) Hmm... This letter is adressed to Mr. Zora. Now who could that be?

Well, my business here is concluded; Onward to mail!

Rusl

Tell me... Do you ever feel a strange sadness as dusk falls? They say it's the only time when our world intersects with theirs... The only time we can feel the lingering regrets of spirits who have left our is why loneliness always pervades the hour of twilight...

Skull Kid

Hee hee hee! ...'Bye!

Hee hee hee... That was fun! I'll tell you what: I'll let you into a secret place!

The Sages

His name is... Ganondorf. He was the leader of a band of thieves who invaded Hyrule in the hopes of establishing dominion over the Sacred Realm. He was known as a demon thief, an evil-magic wielder renowned for his ruthlessness… But he was blind… In all his fury and might, he was blind to any danger, and thus was he exposed, subdued, and brought to justice.

Yet… By some divine prank, he, too, had been blessed with the chosen power of the gods.

Only the true leader of the Twili can utterly destroy the Mirror of Twilight… so Zant could only merely break it into pieces.

[referring to the Mirror of Twilight] One is in the snowy mountain heights, one is in ancient grove, and one is in the heavens.

Zant

Do you honestly think you could take an ancient and withered power like this(the fused shadows) and use it against me? You are a foolish traitor, Midna. Why do you defy your king?

A question for you and all the people of Hyrule: Life? Or Death?

Are you implying that my power is... our old magic? Now that is a joke! This power is granted to me by my god, and you will respect it!

No matter how much you may desire otherwise, you will never be more than a shadow in their world.

Not just for me, but all our people...lend me your power!

(To Link)You still live… How astonishing. No wonder some call you "hero." But this is truly a bittersweet reunion… Truly! For I fear this is the last time I will see you alive!

My god had only one wish... to merge light and shadow... and make darkness!

Y-You… TRAITORS!

As long as my master, Ganon, survives, he will resurrect me without cease!

Zelda

(Upon seeing the manacle on Wolf Link's front ankle) ...You were imprisoned? I am sorry.

So, this is the one for whom you were searching...

Listen carefully... This was once the land where the power of the gods was said to slumber. This was once the kingdom of Hyrule. But that blessed kingdom has been transformed by the king that rules the twilight... It has been turned into a world of shadows, ruled by creatures who shun the light.

Twilight covered Hyrule like a shroud, and without light, the people became as spirits. Within the twilight, they live on, unaware that they have passed into spirit forms... All the people know now is fear... Fear of a nameless evil... The kingdom succumbed to twilight, but I remain its princess... I am Zelda.

Midna... This is no time for levity. The shadow beasts have been searching far and wide for you. Why is this?

Time has grown short. The guard will soon make his rounds. You must leave here, quickly.

What binds him is a different magic than what transformed him when he first passed the curtain of twilight. It is an evil power. Our world is one of balance... Just as there is light to drive away darkness, so, too, is there benevolence to banish evil. Head for the sacred grove that lies deep within the lands guarded by the spirit Faron. There you will find the blade of evil's bane that was crafted by the wisdom of the ancient sages...the Master Sword. The Master Sword is a sacred blade that evil can never touch. Evil cloaks you like a dark veil...and that blade is the only thing that can cleave it. Link... Hero sent by the goddesses... Like you, I have been granted special powers by the goddesses...

Midna... I believe I understand now just who and what you are... Despite your mortal injuries, you act in our stead... These dark times are the result of our deeds, yet it is you who have reaped the penalty. Accept this now, Midna. I pass it to you... (Zelda passes on her power to Midna and disappears)

Our world is one of balance... Just as there is light to drive away darkness, so, too, is there benevolence to banish evil. Head for the sacred grove that lies deep within the lands guarded by the sprit Faron. There you will find the blade of evil's bane that was crafted by the wisdom of the ancient sages… the Master Sword.

Say nothing, Midna...Your heart and mine were as one, however briefly...Such suffering you have endured...

Spirits of the light! Wielders of the great power that shines far and wide upon the lands of our world... In my hour of need, grant me the light to banish evil!

Link... Chosen hero! Lend us the last of your power!

I'll try to slow Ganondorf with my light arrows! You target him and keep him within range of my arrows!

Shadow and light are two sides of the same coin, one cannot exist without the other. I know the reason the goddesses left the Mirror of Twilight in this world. They left it because it was their design that we should meet. Yes... that is what I believe.

Dialogue

Zelda: Midna?!

Midna: Eee hee! You remember my name? What an honor for me...

Zelda: So, this is the one for whom you were searching.

Midna: He's not exactly what I had in mind, but...I guess he'll do.

Zelda: Midna, I believe I understand now just who and what you are... Despite your mortal injuries, you act in our stead... These dark times are the result of our deeds, yet it is you who have reaped the penalty. Accept this now, Midna. I pass it to you...

Midna: No! Link! STOP HER! (Zelda sacrifices herself to save Midna) (after a long pause) We go back, Link! Back to the Faron Woods! Zelda...I've taken all that you had to give...though I did not want it.

Zant: Y-You...TRAITORS!

Midna: Traitors? Hah! Do you want to know why none would call you king? It was in your eyes, Zant.

Midna: Pr-Princess... I... I...

Zelda: Say nothing, Midna... Your heart and mine were as one, however briefly... Such suffering you have endured.

Zelda: Shadow and Light are two sides of the same coin, one cannot exist without the other. I know the reason the goddesses left the Mirror of Twilight in this world. They left it because it was their design that we should meet. Yes... that is what I believe.

Midna: Zelda, your words are kind and your heart is true. If all in Hyrule are like you, then maybe you'll do all right. [walks away to the Mirror of Twilight, and looks to Link] Thank you. Well, the princess spoke truly; as long as that mirror's around, we could meet again. [tearfully] Link... I... see you later. [she pushes one of her tears to the Mirror of Twilight, and it starts to shatter; Link rushes to her, but she departs back to the Twilight Realm]

Zero: As long as we have opposable thumbs, we will fight you!

Big Smoke: Like it says in the book... We are both blessed and cursed.

Carl Johnson: What fuckin' book?

[after throwing CJ out of his squad car]

Officer Frank Tenpenny: See ya 'round, like a doughnut, Carl!

Carl Johnson: Can you shoot?

The Truth: Shoot? I'm a hippie. The only thing I've shot is acid. I heard of a dude snorted it once. Thought his nose was a kangaroo and the moon was a dog! WOOH!

Sweet Johnson: You're dressed like a hooker!

Kendl: You two would know what a hooker looks like.

Carl Johnson: You say that like it's a bad thing.

Sweet Johnson, Kendl: Shut up, Carl!

Carl Johnson: [jacking a car] What can I say? I'm a bad man.

[CJ and Woozie are playing Blackjack]

Woozie: Hit me.

Carl Johnson: Are you sure, man?

Woozie: Yeah. I'm going for a 5 card hand, come on.

[CJ gives Woozie another card]

Carl Johnson: I'm gonna stick. What you got?

Woozie: How would I know? you tell me.

Carl Johnson: Not good. You got, uh, 47.

Woozie: Damn. You're bad luck for me. You know, when I play the other guys, I always win!

Carl Johnson: [after another car hits CJ's car] You hit me! I'm-a hit you back!

British Pedestrian: AAAAAAAARGH!

Carl Johnson: You should have run away!

Motorcycle Cop: [CJ being chased by motorcycle cop] Show me what you got little man!

Sweet Johnson: [CJ and Sweet are driving down to Grove Street during the riots] So who's the weird Brit?

Carl Johnson: What? Oh, Maccer? He got a little problem he can't control.

Sweet Johnson: What kinda problem?

Carl Johnson: He can't stop, you know, givin' himself a little bit.

Sweet Johnson: What, you mean he likes to consult Professor Hans Jerkov?

Carl Johnson: [laughs] Yeah, regularly.

Sweet Johnson: Spank the monkey?

Carl Johnson: Yeah.

Sweet Johnson: Take Palm-ela out?

Carl Johnson: Quit it!

[laughs]

Sweet Johnson: Burp the worm?

Carl Johnson: Enough, man!

DJ The Funktipus: I'm the Funktipus and I got my tentacles wrapped around your San Andreas, ain't my fault.

[2 cops are busting a man for possession of drugs, planted in his car by CJ. One is arresting him, the other is searching the trunk]

Cop 1: You find anything in there?

Cop 2: Find anything? He's got half of Mexico in here!

[CJ, Woozie, Suzie, Zero, one of Woozie's assistants, the occupant of the room and two other men are in the planning room]

Carl Johnson: It seems impossible to keep a secret around here! I would have thought the size of the room would keep the numbers down.

Man #1: Hey, speak up, we can't hear you back here!

Carl Johnson: I appreciate your input, but please, fuck off.

Man #1: What did he say?

Man #2: [murmuring] He said fuck off.

[Man #1 and Man #2 leave]

Carl Johnson: [to the occupant] Hey, what are you still doing here?

Occupant: I live here.

Carl Johnson: Oh, OK, you can stay.

Occupant: Great.

Su Xi Mu: Hey, where's the coffee and doughnuts?

[CJ purposely ignores Suzie]

Carl Johnson: OK, look, I'm going to go shut off the city's power source. Woozie, look after these fools for me.

Woozie: OK, now, the important thing to remember with a plan like this, is that... nothing can go wrong.

Carl Johnson: [while falling from a great height] WHAT THE FUCK?

Chicken Fast Food Customer: What the cock-a-doodle fuck?

[near the end of a huge police chase]

Big Smoke: Oh shit! Roadblock up ahead!

Carl Johnson: The K's jammed!

Big Smoke: Fuck it, I'm goin' through!

Sweet Johnson: CJ, we got the ghetto bird up ahead!

Aerial Police (Cop 1): This is the LSPD, do not... hey, what the fuck! TOO LOW! YOU'LL KILL US ALL!

Sweet Johnson: Back up Smoke, BACK UP!

Big Smoke: Hell no, I'm going through!

Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: Oh man, we gonna die!

[the helicopter skims over the car, shredding the motorcycle cop on the hood of the car]

Carl Johnson: OH SHIT!

[Smoke proceeds]

Sweet Johnson: Slow down Smoke, SLOW DOWN!

Big Smoke: Oh shit, the brakes is out!

[Everyone bails out at the last second as the car smashes through a billboard, and crashes on a rig on the freeway below]

Big Smoke: [looking at the carnage on the freeway from the smashed billboard] Shit! That's gonna be a hell of a story to tell when we passin' the blunt!

Sweet Johnson: Now THAT was some some serious shit! Whoo!

Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: Fuck this, we gotta get outta here.

Sweet Johnson: Ryder's right. Everyone split up, and we'll meet up later.

Aerial Police (Cop 2): You're goin' down hard man. Right now!

Carl Johnson: Hey, what up Z!

Zero: Nothing is up Carl, apart from my blood pressure, and the imminent collapse of my hopes and dreams.

Carl Johnson: ...Why?

Zero: As usual, the forces of darkness have triumphed over good. Life is nothing but misery, briefly interspersed with agony.

Carl Johnson: Z, whatchoo on? Whatever it is, you need to reduce the dosage!

Zero: Exuse me, but I never take drugs. We all know drugs are for losers, and/or sex maniacs, and right now, sex is the last thing on my mind.

Carl Johnson: Thank God for that!

Zero: Berkley is back!

Carl Johnson: Ohhh, Berkley. Who the fuck is Berkley?

Zero: A man I once beat in fair competition. A man litterally obsessed with revenge!

Carl Johnson: Oh, you put hands on him?

Zero: No! Please! I never initiate violence.

Carl Johnson: Ohhh, I know. You knocked his bitch!

Zero: No. I won the prize in the science fair. First prize, that is.

Carl Johnson: And now he wanna pop you? HAHAHA, and they say gangbangers is petty and small-minded!

[CJ hears a beeping sound]

Carl Johnson: Eh what's that bleepin' sound?

Zero: It's him... we shall fight to the end!

Carl Johnson: [knocking someone off a motorbike] You okay?... I hope not!

Carl Johnson: [jacking someone] Now you can buy a new one!

Carl Johnson: [jacking someone] It's the car of my dreams!

Carl Johnson: [someone hits his vehicle] Aw, for fuck's sake!

Pedestrian: [getting carjacked] Here, take the car, I just want the insurance money.

Carl Johnson: [while carjacking someone] I need that shit you drive!

Carl Johnson: [while carjacking someone] Remember, heroes get killed.

Carl Johnson: [while carjacking someone] Now you can buy a new one!

Carl Johnson: [while carjacking someone] You got the car of my dreams!

Carl Johnson: [while carjacking someone] Now now, you need to exercise more.

Carl Johnson: [while stealing someone's bike] Aww, you fell off your bike.

Carl Johnson: [while stealing someone's bike] Sorry about that. Now fuck off!

Carl Johnson: [if he hits another car] Aw, I wanna immigrate from here!

Carl Johnson: [if he hits another car] What's your poison? Grin or gin?

Carl Johnson: [while pointing a gun at someone] Hey, guess what! It's loaded!

Carl Johnson: [while pointing a gun at someone] It's my constitutional right, bitch!

Carl Johnson: [if a cop arrests him] You just ruined your life, asshole!

Carl Johnson: [if a cop arrests him] Shit, glad I don't pay no taxes.

Carl Johnson: [while falling from a great height] I HATE GRAVITY!

Carl Johnson: Fuck you and your casino!

Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: Say, CJ, you gonna crash the car again?

Carl Johnson: Fuck you, Ryda'.

Sweet Johnson: Ryda', give CJ a break, man. He's practically turned the Grove around by himself.

Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: Man, I was just tellin' a joke on the lil' nigga.

Carl Johnson: Everythang you do is a joke, Ryder.

Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: That ain't true!

Big Smoke: Ryda'... just chill the fuck out, man!

Sweet Johnson: Remember, we're reuniting the families, so no bullshit. Stay cool.

Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: You know me, Sweet, cool as a Shaolin monk!

Sweet Johnson: Especially you, Ryda.

Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: What you mean? I resent your implication, and shit.

Carl Johnson: [when taking pedestrian's money] give me that

Carl Johnson: [when being chased by cop] cop asshole!

Carl Johnson: [when being chased by cop] you're dick

Carl Johnson: [when taking pedestrian's money] ahhh, you so kind

Carl Johnson: [when taking pedestrian's money] that's very tight

Carl Johnson: [when carjaking someone] Out

Jeffrey 'OG Loc' Cross: Man, fuck you! And I don't care what you heard, I ain't nobody's Ass Technician, BITCH!

Jeffrey 'OG Loc' Cross: I'm the voice of the people, like Moses, only keepin' it real!

Security Guard: [CJ kidnaps Madd Dogg's manager, and plans to bail out and dump him in the sea, with his bodyguards on his tail] Security, the principle is being kidnapped! RESCUE HIM AT ALL COSTS!

Madd Dogg's Manager: Who the fuck are you? Where's my usual driver? Unlock this fucking door! I can't fucking swim, you fucking psycho!

Carl Johnson: Ah, so I've heard.

Madd Dogg's Manager: [CJ has driven the car off the pier with Madd Dogg's manager locked in]

[in slow motion]

Madd Dogg's Manager: HOLY FUUUUUUUUUUCK!

Catalina: [Getting ready to rob a liqour store, four cowboys pull up in front of the shop] Who are these cowboy assholes?

Cowboy: [Holds up the liquor store vendor] We got the cash, let's get out of here!

Catalina: Those maricon bastards have our money! THAT'S OUR MONEY!

Catalina: [shoots one cowboy headless] BLEED, STUPID MOTHERFUCKER! Carl, you drive, I shoot!

Catalina: [shooting] EAT MY SHIT!

Catalina: [shooting] DRINK MY PISS!

Carl Johnson: [Catalina is shooting past his ear while chasing cowboy robbers on a quadbike] I can't hear anything! I'm DEAF!

Carl Johnson: [when CJ being busted] i tell you what, 1 time, shut your butt.

Carl Johnson: [when CJ being busted] just shut up

Carl Johnson: [when he hit a car] asshole, my shit

Carl Johnson: [when he hit a car] ahhh G

Pedestrian: Shit on a shingle!

Officer Frank Tenpenny: I can shit on you from such a height, you'll think God himself took a crap on you

Carl Johnson: [the Truth has handed Carl a rocket launcher] Holy Motherfucker! Where'd you get this!

The Truth: I found it in a bail of Thai sticks. Shame really, I was going to make it into a lamp.

Carl Johnson: Holy Motherfucker!

Big Smoke: [at Cluckin' Bell, during the drive-thru mission] I'll have a number nine, a number nine large, a number six with extra sauce, a number seven, two number forty-fives, one wit' cheese, and a large soda

Carl Johnson: [after hitting a car while driving] Are you a professional moron or just a gifted amateur!

Carl Johnson: [after hitting someone off their motorbike] Oops, you fell!

Police Helicopter Pilot: We are the police, you moron! We got helicopters.

Carl Johnson: [declining a prostitutes invitation] Yeah, the girl of my dreams, a crack ho.

Lianne Forget - Talk Radio: After months, all bridges have been reopened. Bone County, Tierra Robada, and Las Venturas County are now linked up with the rest of the state. Locals celebrated by mass outbreaks of xenophobia and inbreeding.

[his last lines]

Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: I'm a motherfuckin' genious!

Cop: [while chasing CJ on foot] Hey, man, I just wanna talk!

[CJ, Pulaski and Tenpenny are in a police car]

Officer Frank Tenpenny: How you been, Carl? How's your wonderful family?

Carl Johnson: I'm here to bury my Moms. You know that.

Officer Frank Tenpenny: Yeah, I guess I do. So what else you got shakin' Carl?

Carl Johnson: Nothing. I live in Liberty City now. I'm clean. Legit.

Officer Frank Tenpenny: No, you ain't never been clean, Carl.

Officer Eddie Pulaski: Well what've we got here?

Officer Frank Tenpenny: This is a weapon, Officer Pulaski, that was used to gun down a police officer not ten minutes ago. Officer Pendelbury. A fine man, I might add. You work fast, nigga.

Carl Johnson: You know I just got off the plane!

Officer Eddie Pulaski: It's a good thing we found you and retrieved the murder weapon.

Carl Johnson: That ain't my gun.

Officer Frank Tenpenny: Don't bullshit me, Carl.

Officer Eddie Pulaski: Yeah, don't bullshit him, Carl.

Carl Johnson: What the fuck you want from me this time?

Officer Frank Tenpenny: When we want you, we'll find you. In the meantime, try not to gun down any more officers of the law.

[Big Smoke, Sweet and Ryder are in Sweet's house]

Big Smoke: [to Sweet] Hey, you gotta keep it real, man.

Sweet Johnson: Man, nobody give a shit about the 'hood.

Big Smoke: I do!

Sweet Johnson: All they do is sell yay and ruin the place. No crack ever made a gang tight.

Big Smoke: I don't know, man.

[CJ enters]

Carl Johnson: Whassup, ya'll?

Sweet Johnson: Whassup, CJ?

Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: What's cracking?

Sweet Johnson: Man, all they care about is smoking and money.

Big Smoke: You can't knock a homie's hustle, Sweet.

Sweet Johnson: Them marks ain't soldiers. They're idiots trying to be business men.

Big Smoke: Yeah, but they're down with us, man.

Sweet Johnson: All they down with is money. CJ - go down there and show these fools you mean business. these chumps from the Ballas are sweating the homies. Go put pressure on them. Just do it.

Carl Johnson: We been putting time in the 'hood, but we gotta get the homies back together, like the old days.

Sweet Johnson: Yeah, you right! So you and Ryder go handle your business!

[to Big Smoke]

Sweet Johnson: Man, they'd slang to their own Momma. They don't care about nothing.

Big Smoke: You're naÔve, my friend. We gotta keep our focus.

Carl Johnson: [a motorist hits his vehicle] You wrecked my shit!

Jeffrey 'OG Loc' Cross: You punk-ass bitch, punk-ass busta fool!

Lazlow - Talk Radio: I dunno what you just said, but I bought you some malt liqour to calm you down.

Jeffrey 'OG Loc' Cross: You a busta fool. Luckily, your not dead 'coz I'm also a pimp! Including you, I'll pimp anything! You hear me playa?

Lazlow - Talk Radio: Yes, I hear you, you'll pimp anything. But you know, it's kinda like my dream to sleep with housewives.

Jeffrey 'OG Loc' Cross: [shouts] ARE YOU - DISSIN' - MY HOS, BITCH?

Lazlow - Talk Radio: [stammers] Uh, no,no. Your hos are bitches, your hos are bitches. Look please, don't shoot me, homie.

Pedestrian: Raise up li'l bitch.

Carl Johnson: [a motorist hits his vehicle] You a degenerate?

Carl Johnson: [a motorist hits his car] You a comedian?

Carl Johnson: [a motorist hits his car] My car! My fuckin' car!

Carl Johnson: [a motorist hits his vehicle] You hit my fuckin' ride!

Carl Johnson: [Punching a pedestrian] You callin' CJ a bitch?

Carl Johnson: [Punching someone] This gonna be easy, bitch!

Carl Johnson: [Fighting] Toe to toe, fool!

Carl Johnson: [Fighting] Oh, you think I'm a bitch, huh?

Carl Johnson: [Getting arrested] Fuck you, po-po!

Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: Damn - this shit's fucked up.

Carl Johnson: I see what you mean now, man. If crack can do that to Big Bear, turn him into a base slave, the average motherfucker ain't got a chance.

Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: Damn dope fiends and drug addicts everywhere in this city. Piss me off.

Carl Johnson: Looks like it's up to us then.

[CJ and Ryder enter the Crack Den]

Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: Good afternoon, Balla dope pushers! Grove Street OG's come to do damage!

[Woozie is in a room in the casino. CJ enters]

Carl Johnson: Woozie?

Woozie: Oh, Carl.

Carl Johnson: You could at least turn the lights on.

Woozie: Oh, I thought I had. This window here must let some light in.

Carl Johnson: Yeah, this is perfect right here. This is where we're going to plan the heist at.

Woozie: Anyone else coming?

Carl Johnson: No.

Woozie: Couldn't we have done this in my office?

Carl Johnson: You gotta have a secret place to plan shit like this, that's just how it's done!

Woozie: OK, OK, I see where you're coming from. So, what do we do?

Carl Johnson: I guess we got to make a plan.

Woozie: Speaking of plans, do you have the layout to Caligula's Casino?

Carl Johnson: Shit. No. I guess I gotta go get one.

Woozie: Meeting adjourned?

Carl Johnson: Meeting adjourned.

[CJ and Woozie are in the planning room in the casino. CJ has the layout for Caligula's Casino on a board]

Carl Johnson: Now I know you're blind, man - but you gotta see this.

Woozie: Very clever. So what's the prognosis? Is this just going to be extremely difficult, or next- to-impossible?

Carl Johnson: Hear me out on this, homie. All right, the cash room is on the bottom level. There's a bunch of rooms and a tunnel under the whole building with access to the casino floors at either end of the complex. All right? Now, security consists of CCTV, a key code access and, in places, a swipe card.

Woozie: Hey, are you pointing again?

Carl Johnson: Oh, my bad - habit.

Woozie: Ah, don't worry; it's good practice for when we finally get a crew in on this.

Carl Johnson: Yeah, I know.

[Suzie enters carrying a box]

Su Xi Mu: Hey boss, this arrived for CJ.

Carl Johnson: Hey, hey hey hey! Damn, man - now he's seen the plans!

Woozie: Well, then we've got our first recruit. Come on in and shut the door.

[CJ opens the box that arrived for him]

Carl Johnson: All right, cool. This is a security card reader that Zero's sent over. Now all we need to do is get one of those cards...

[Cut TO CJ outside the casino]

Carl Johnson: Luckily, there's always one guaranteed weak link in any security set up. The human heart.

Female Pedestrian: [after being bumped into by CJ] Don't make me come out my face!

Prostitute: [after CJ points a gun at her] Get the hell out of my way before I eat that!

[Madd Dogg is threatening to jump off a window ledge]

Elvis Impersonator: Jump! Look what dying did for my career!

[CJ is stealing a taxi in San Fierro]

Taxi Driver: You're messing with the Lion of Judah, man!

Police Helicopter Pilot 1: I kill him!

Police Helicopter Pilot 2: Make sure it's the right guy this time!

[after someone hits his car]

Carl Johnson: Where did you steal your license?

[after someone hits his car]

Carl Johnson: Did you steal your license?

[CJ, Woozie, Suzie, one of Woozie's assistants, Zero and the occupant of the room are in the planning room in the casino. CJ is standing in front of the layout of Caligula's Casino]

Carl Johnson: All right, here's the plan. It's all about the art of deception. While I get as much heat on me as possible, y'all get away with the green.

Zero: Question: how does the Mafia normally move cash out of Caligula's?

Carl Johnson: Bingo! Stripes for Mr. Zero here.

Occupant: Ha hey! Good job, you little ass kisser!

[pats Zero on the back]

Zero: [moans in pain]

Carl Johnson: So, we're going to steal ourselves an armoured car and re-spray it so it looks like one of their regular trucks.

Su Xi Mu: What about the police escorts? Whenever they move cash around they use police motorcycles as outriders.

Carl Johnson: Exactly what I was thinking. C'mon, come with me, and we're gonna go get some cop wheels...

[Cut TO CJ and Suzie outside the casino]

Carl Johnson: You get the Packer, hit the Julius Thruway and keep moving.

[The usual six men that are planning the heist are in the planning room in the casino. CJ is at the front giving out instructions]

Carl Johnson: OK, we got the bikes. And Woozie's taken care of the uniforms. Now, we just gotta get an armoured van and re-spray it with the Caligula's Casino logo.

Woozie: Why don't we steal one while it's on its rounds? That way we can make some money too.

Carl Johnson: No, I don't want to get the crew caught up in some street level jacking - it could get ugly.

Zero: I... I have an idea? Um... Have you ever seen those helicopters they use to lift heavy loads?

Su Xi Mu: Yeah, they call 'em 'sky cranes'. We could lift the whole truck and take them to someplace safe.

Woozie: Then we need to steal a sky crane. Unfortunately I'm not a pilot.

Zero: No, me neither.

Su Xi Mu: Hey, don't look at me.

Assistant: Or me.

Carl Johnson: Shit. I'll fly it, then. We can re-spray it at the airstrip.

Zero: Yeah, Carl. It'll be just like fighting Berkley, only bigger!

Carl Johnson: Yeah, thanks for that.

Pedestrian: Can I interest you in some religion?

Carl Johnson: Any last requests?

Officer Eddie Pulaski: Yeah... can I fuck your sister?

Carl Johnson: You an asshole to the end. Punk motherfucker.

[kills Pulaski]

[CJ is in the recording studio at Madd Dogg's Crib. He is on the phone]

Carl Johnson: I don't care 'how', I care 'when'.

[Toreno walks up behind CJ]

Carl Johnson: As in 'now'. You hear me?

[Toreno takes the phone out of CJ's hand]

Carl Johnson: Hey, man, what the - ?

Mike Toreno: Hello, boss man. Taking care of business I see.

Carl Johnson: Toreno, fuck you. I almost lost my life out there for you.

Mike Toreno: I've just got one tiny little thing for you to do, then I'm out of your life forever.

[CJ pulls out a gun and points it at Toreno]

Carl Johnson: You know what? I'm tired of your fucking little jobs.

Mike Toreno: Oh, will you stop? This is pathetic, come on. You're embarrassing yourself. Come on, put it down. Don't be ridiculous, OK?

[Toreno pushes the gun down]

Mike Toreno: Hey, I got a little surprise for you here. You ready for this? Huh?

Carl Johnson: [his phone rings]

Mike Toreno: Answer it

[CJ answers the phone]

Carl Johnson: Hello?

Sweet Johnson: Carl, it's me, Sweet.

Carl Johnson: Aw, Sweet!

Sweet Johnson: I don't know what happened, they just released me. No idea what's going on, but I'm in the square outside the precinct in Commerce.

Carl Johnson: All right you hold tight, I'll be right there.

[CJ puts the phone down]

Carl Johnson: So what was that little job you was talking about, Toreno?

Mike Toreno: I just want you to go pick up your brother. Get out of here.

Police Helicopter Pilot 1: Hey, I can see my house from here!

Police Helicopter Pilot 2: Will you shut the hell up?

Officer Frank Tenpenny: [his last lines] Come on, assholes. I'll take you all. You're mine! Mine! I run this town! Hey, over here! Hey! Officer down! Come on! HEY! Assholes! You never understood what I did! Fifty of me and this town would be OK. I took the trash out! I DID! And I'd do it all again...

[last lines]

Kendl: Carl, where are you off to now?

Carl Johnson: Fittin' to hit the block, see what's happening.

Carl Johnson: [after hitting another traffic car] Who let you out of the mental home?

Big Smoke: [after a harrowing police chase] Shit! That's gonna be a hell of a story to tell later on when we're passin' the blunt!

Catalina: Are you going to fight for my love?

Carl Johnson: No. I can take rejection.

Carl Johnson: [shooting somebody] Welcome to America.

[after Cesar gives CJ a silenced Colt .45]

Carl Johnson: Where'd you get that?

Cesar: Same place I buy my pants, holmes. This is America!

Carl Johnson: [after seeing a truck that is chasing them crash] Ah, they hit a bus!

Smoke: Ha ha ha! I'll never diss public transportation again!

Cop: I'm gonna kick your ass, and then I'm gonna fuck it!

WCTR Imaging Voice: "I Say, You Say" is only heard on WCTR. Be thankful.

Lianne Forget - Talk Radio: Recently, a large field of marijuana in Flint County was set on fire. This has been rather unfortunate for the local wildlife, most of which was found eating chocolate, listening to the same band over and over, and buying fractal art.

Officer Frank Tenpenny: Mmm... Smells good. What's cooking? Where's mine?

Tommy Smith: I've said it before... All we need is a little patience.

[after Woozie runs into a wall and falls down]

Carl Johnson: What's the matter? You lost? Need a hand?

Woozie: NO! Uh... no I was just, you know, getting the feel of the place.

Carl Johnson: [after killing someone] Don't blame me, blame society.

Carl Johnson: [after killing someone] Don't blame me, blame yourself.

Officer Hernandez: [on the phone] This is Officer Hernandez.

Carl Johnson: Who?

Officer Hernandez: Officer Hernandez. I work with Tenpenny and Pulaski.

Carl Johnson: Oh, the bitch. What the hell you want?

Officer Hernandez: Show me some respect, boy!

Carl Johnson: Go fuck yourself, you're just they bitch.

Officer Hernandez: I've got a message from Tenpenny. Don't try to leave town. That would be a big mistake.

Carl Johnson: Whatever you say, bitch.

[hangs up]

Mike Toreno: [talking to CJ] Do not be a fucking smart-ass with me. I work for a government agency. It is not important which one. I will try not to confuse you. Yes, when we last met, I was involved in battling threats in Latin America, by any means necessary! That does not make me a drug dealer. Now, the money that we raised, the friends that we won over, have helped us immeasurably in our overseas interests.

Mike Toreno: [on a radio] Roger that, Big Monkey, I got a 13-6 fat vulture. Need to acquire a drowning baby. Over.

Carl Johnson: [carjacking someone] Welcome to San Andreas, fool.

DJ Sage: Hello, I'm Sage, and yes, that is my real name and if you don't believe me, you can go fuck yourself!

Richard Burns - Talk Radio: Speaking on a WCTR news show towards the end of the game, after the Los Santos Riots - hey baby, are we off the air yet? I got us some great stuff for our apartment. A fat bearskin rug, a new blender, a double ender...

Lianne Forget - Talk Radio: Ahem, currently we have no further information.

Carl Johnson: [pointing a gun at someone] Oh, big surprise, I gotta gun.

Carl Johnson: Grove Street. Home. At least it was before I fucked everything up.

[while carjacking someone]

Carl Johnson: We switchin' places right now.

Ken Rosenberg: Hey, just like old times, huh, Tommy?

Carl Johnson: Who the fuck is Tommy?

Big Smoke: C'mon. Let's bounce.

Jethro: Does a polar bear shit in the woods?

The Truth: No, but they've been known to shit in the liquor tent.

[during a cell phone conversation]

Carl Johnson: Does the Pope shit in the woods?

Cesar: Why you keep asking me that, holmes? I told you, i dunno. Where the holiness does his business, is his business.

[after playing the song "Two Tickets to Paradise" by Eddie Money]

Tommy Smith: Eddie's got two tickets to paradise, and I do too... In my pants.

Tommy Smith: I can't believe I get to play music for a living, even if it is other people's.

Tommy Smith: Hey, whatever happened to Love Fist?

Tommy Smith: [Starts playing Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Freebird"] Every band will hear a request for this song.

Ammu-Nation Clerk: If you need to ice your wife or stop a truck, I got what you need.

[while watching government agents loading cargo on an airplane]

Mike Toreno: These guys think they can help the 'overseas situation' by financing militaristic dictators in exchange for arms and contracts.

Carl Johnson: Hey, ain't that exactly what you do?

Mike Toreno: Well, kind of, but we get to pick our dictators.

Carl Johnson: [loses in a video game against Woozie, throws controller down and stands up] SHIT! MAN!... HOW YOU DO THAT?

Woozie: [laughs]

Aerial Police (Cop 1): Shoot that asshole!

Aerial Police (Cop 2): ALL RIGHT I'M TRYING!

Jethro: Does a polar bear shit in the woods?


	9. Chapter 8 HISTORY ABHORS PARADOX

James Pedeaston - Talk Radio: Hello, you're on the Wild Traveler.

caller: I'm on a cliff.

James Pedeaston - Talk Radio: How romantic!

caller: I want to jump.

James Pedeaston - Talk Radio: Yes, I know. Jump into the unknown. How can it be a sin if it feels so good? Anyway, what is your question?

caller: Why am I here?

James Pedeaston - Talk Radio: I dunno, why are you there? Where are you? Kenya?

caller: No, I'm in Verdant Bluffs.

James Pedeaston - Talk Radio: Oh, loathsome place. I'd jump if I were you.

caller: I want to go to hell.

James Pedeaston - Talk Radio: Me too! Buy a refrigerator magnet when you get there.

Mike Toreno: I'm too hip, I gotta go.

Mike Toreno: [Federal agents are close by] All right, come on, I can't stay here now, I'm too hip. I gotta go, OK? I'm outta here.

Carl Johnson: Why am I here?

Mike Toreno: I just want to see what you're made of.

Carl Johnson: What do you think I'm made of? Puddin'?

Woozie: I have a confession to make. I... I'm blind.

Carl Johnson: No shit.

Carl Johnson: Woozie, you know I'm black and not Chinese, right?

Woozie: Carl, I may be blind, but I'm not stupid.

[reading a book called "Conspiracy Theory"]

Mike Toreno: This history is all wrong! It says that Hitler killed himself, and that we nuked Japan. Well... Whatever helps them sleep at night.

[on their way to San Fierro]

The Truth: Carl, do you know how many satellites the government has in space?

Carl Johnson: No. How many?

The Truth: Twenty-three. Do you know how many biblical artifacts the government is keeping at the Pentagon?

Carl Johnson: No.

The Truth: Twenty-three. Don't you see a pattern here?

Carl Johnson: Man I'm seeing patterns all over the place! Get that smoke out my face.

[as a black van pulls out of a hospital]

The Truth: Don't look! Quick! Think of a yellow, rubber duck!

[Carl is about to sneak inside of an aircraft carrier]

Mike Toreno: Okay, Carl. Once you get in, I cannot help you.

Carl Johnson: Can you help me now?

Mike Toreno: Um... no actually... no

Tommy Smith: This is a plaid shirt free zone. We're rockers, people. Not lumberjacks.

Carl Johnson: [Toreno is calling CJ on his cell phone] Toreno?

Mike Toreno: Carl, learn to fly.

Carl Johnson: I'm on it, man, I swear!

Mike Toreno: "I'm on it, man, I swear" Same old broken record, Carl. But that?s fine... because your brother's getting a new cell mate tonight ? Horse Cock Harry. And I'm sending a present, little wedding present - a big tube of lube.

Carl Johnson: Shit, dude, okay! Okay! I swear, man, I'm gonna be the best pilot!

Mike Toreno: I'd love to hear you, Carl, I can't hear you. All I can hear is your brother's love cries as 8 kilometers of cock find its way up his ass. "Aaooowww? That's your brother, okay? No big problem.

Carl Johnson: Wait! Please, man!

Mike Toreno: That was my last motivational speech, understand? Am I being too spiritual for you, Carl?

Carl Johnson: OK, man, I get the message.

Cop: [Cj being chased by a cop] I'm on your ass Daisy!

Motorcycle Cop: [CJ being chased by motorcycle cop] I'm gonna call for a back up, i beleive in sharing!

Motorcycle Cop: [CJ being chased by motorcycle cop] Come on I can taste your blood!

Cop: [CJ being chased by a cop] Stop!, we can hold hands and talk about it.

Indian Pedestrian: [Farts] My ass is stinking!

"DJ" Pedestrian: [after seeing someone killed] HOLY REMIX!

"DJ" Pedestrian: [after seeing someone killed] Bless my diamond stylus!

British Pedestrian: [Fighting] You're messin' with a Londoner... SOUTH London!

Carl Johnson: [Toreno uses CJ to do his work] Why won't these guys come after me?

Mike Toreno: Oh, they can't because they're all posted on me. One DEA, one FBI, one Russian, a Cuban double agent and my pay masters. Checks and balances. Nobody is watching anybody watching nobody. You know what I mean? Go.

Carl Johnson: Whatever, man.

Carl Johnson: [Carl has to use an old plane] You sure this thing is safe? I can see daylight through the floor.

Mike Toreno: Hey, in that thing you look like an enthusiast. The US Air Force is less likely to shoot you down.

Carl Johnson: Cool, what's the problem then?

Mike Toreno: I said "less likely." If you did as much amphetamines as these guys did, you'd be lucky not to shoot anything that moves.

Carl Johnson: Aw, shit.

Mike Toreno: Hey, just stay low and you'll be fine.

[after watching a black van drive by them]

Carl Johnson: C'mon, dude, what's all that about?

The Truth: You don't want to know.

Carl Johnson: Why?

The Truth: Do you know what a sub-dermal neurophone is?

Carl Johnson: A what?

The Truth: Exactly. Sometimes its best to stay in the dark, kid.

[Toreno is talking to CJ over a radio]

Carl Johnson: Where are you? You givin' me the heebie jeebies, man!

Mike Toreno: Carl, I will ALWAYS be watching... or listening... or both.

Mike Toreno: You know, after what you've done for me, it's like you're a pro now. I got double agents in Panama who want to put a price on your head. A Russian spy - a little, fat, Boris looking guy - he's asking for clearance to interrogate you, Russian style. Calipers on the genitals. Feels good, you'd like it.

Carl Johnson: That ain't nothing cool, man! Just leave me alone. You're bad news!

Mike Toreno: Don't worry about it. The Russians got bigger things to worry about than your genitals, believe me.

Carl Johnson: [an Obese CJ punches an innocent pedestrian] I ain't a fat bitch, bitch!

[Toreno is telling CJ to go kill some government agents on a plane]

Mike Toreno: Now look, I spoke with the big man. You've got clearance to eliminate these fuckers. How's that?

Carl Johnson: Huh, man, kill Government agents?

Mike Toreno: Kill, schmill! Come on... don't look at it that way, will you? Think of it as pest control. It works for me.

[after one of Woozie's henchmen come in and put down two casino chips]

Woozie: One's a fake.

Carl Johnson: That's amazing. You didn't even touch them.

Woozie: No. I just took a guess. Why else would he come in with two chips and sound so worried?

[during a commercial for the Commando Pest Eradication]

Pest Commando #1: We've got the situation in the kitchen contained, Sir, but I found this!

[baby cries]

Pest Commando #2: Jesus! What the hell is this?

Woman: That's my daughter!

Pest Commando #2: Looks more like Viet Cong to me!

[gun shot]

[after Johnny Sindacco dies of a heart attack]

Carl Johnson: Damn! That nigga's fucked up!

[after shooting someone]

Carl Johnson: Bang! Bang! Bang!

Tommy Smith: Weren't the '70s great? Back then, you could bang anything you wanted, take all the drugs you wanted, smoke, drink and hate the country. What's happening these days is a disgrace. Nobody's protesting any more, nobody can get good 'ludes and rock bands don't wear good makeup.

[after hitting someone with your vehicle]

Carl Johnson: Damn! Did you buy your license?

Tommy Smith: [after Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Freebird" plays on K-DST] It's not every day you hear that track... Oh, wait. Yes it is.

Carl Johnson: [jacking a car] Isn't this what they mean by "carpool"?

Marvin Trill - Talk Radio: Kevin, you're on the line.

Kevin Mitnick: All missiles are under my control, not the government's control! Why do you think they put me in solitary confinement for eight months? Because I could launch nuclear missiles by whistling into a phone!

Marvin Trill - Talk Radio: Really! Do you think you could wipe out all the other radio stations in town for me?

Kevin Mitnick: No, I don't do that any more. I only use my powers for good.

Marvin Trill - Talk Radio: You see, this is not a cartoon or a TV show. Let's get real for a second: The problem with people like you who has super powers is that you not really use them for good. If I had super powers, everyone would be naked! And women signing autographs at conventions couldn't resist me!

Terrence (WCTR Caller): Yeah hi, my name's Terrence...

Maurice - WCTR: Can I call you "Telly-Welly?"

[during a cell phone conversation]

The Truth: Carl...

Carl Johnson: Who is this?

The Truth: It's me. The Truth.

Carl Johnson: Who?

The Truth: Perfection. They said you were a moron.

Woozie: Thank you Carl, you saved me from having to kill them all myself.

Carl Johnson: [after killing someone] What did you expect? This is America!

Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: Hey, CJ, tell me why I didn't finish high school.

Carl Johnson: 'Cause you been dealin' drugs, man. Since the age of ten. Ha, ha, ha.

Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: Ha, ha, ha. Nope. That ain't it.

Carl Johnson: 'Cause you put your hands on that teacher for wearin' Ballas colours. Ha, ha, ha.

Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: Ha, ha, ha. But, nope. That ain't it either. It's cause I'm too intelligent for this shit. I am the real deal fool, oh, yeah. A genius.

Carl Johnson: [after crashing into a car] What kind of license you got? Fishin' license?

K-DST Imaging Voice: [Imaging for the radio station K-DST "The Dust"] If the cops can't stop you...

[sounds of sirens and gun shots]

K-DST Imaging Voice: ...you must be on "The Dust".

Pedestrian: [talking on the street] Have you ever been to Liberty City?

[pause]

Pedestrian: What a dump!

Police Helicopter Pilot 1: I see her, she's beautiful!

Police Helicopter Pilot 2: HE is over there! He's a guy!

Carl Johnson: I'm a well-dressed maniac, fool!

Police Helicopter Pilot 1: Stop! Police!

Police Helicopter Pilot 2: I think he knows that by now!

Police Helicopter Pilot 1: This is aerial support...

Police Helicopter Pilot 2: Yeah, I think he knows that by now!

Police Helicopter Pilot 1: Hey, I can see my house from here!

Police Helicopter Pilot 2: Will you shut the fuck up?

DJ Sage: Isn't that a great song? So much better than cartoons. I hate cartoons! They're so stupid and cheery. Life is not cheery.

DJ Sage: Don't forget, each weekend we meet in the park and watch German expressionist silent films projected onto a tree. Things that are foreign are so meaningful.

DJ Sage: You know, now that I think about it, they should just start killing people when they turn 29. They're going to be reincarnated anyway so who cares?

Radio Host: The secret of nature is that once something is at the height of growth and beauty, it is time for it wither and die. A bit like the British empire! Look at that whole place withering and dying, right before our eyes... it's run by a Queen! And if she had a pistol she'd be the King.

Motorcycle Cop: [during cut scene where Smoke, Sweet, Rider and CJ are being chased by cops] What a waste of a good donut. OK, let's roll!

Carl Johnson: [during screen saver mode, singing off key] Never gonna get it, never gonna get it... beyotch!

DJ Sage: Good morning, San Andreas! The baby boom is officially over. You are all irrelevant. Now die.

DJ Philip 'PM' Michaels: Hey, to my choreographer who's helping me get ready for my inevitable tour, it's gonna be a sunny day! Let's practice outside. And hopefully, those kids won't throw rocks like the last time.

DJ The Funktipus: Uh oh, we got fog coming over the horizon. And when the country comes out of it, we're gonna have a party!

Carl Johnson: [after fucking a prostitute] I was incredible. You were just great.

Big Smoke: A lot of people say gangsta rap is misogynistic posturing by fake-ass idiots who spend more time in drama school then they ever did pimping or hustling dope. Well, I assure you, OG Loc is the real thing. He's hated women all his life, he sold drugs to school children, he's murdered innocent people just for kicks, but he rhymes like an angel. And I assure you, it's all in a good cause. So either way, you could feel good about yourself listening to this music.

Cop: [when fighting Carl, or other perp] Kicking names and taking ass. Oh, wait.

Catalina: I feel good today, like a woman reborn!

Carl Johnson: Good, maybe you won't go berserk then.

Catalina: Oh, I go berserk, but not till I really pissed.

Police Helicopter Pilot 1: I'm outta bullets!

Police Helicopter Pilot 2: Don't worry. I bought extra!

Police Helicopter Pilot 1: There he is! Kill him John!

Police Helicopter Pilot 2: Why do I have to do all of the fucking killing?

Police Helicopter Pilot 1: Because I'm a pacifist! Kill him!

Zero: Curse you, Berkley! Curse yoooooou!

[first lines]

Carl Johnson: [voiceover] After five years on the East Coast, it was time to go home

[a previous phone call is heard]

Carl Johnson: 'Sup?

Sweet Johnson: Carl, it's Sweet.

Carl Johnson: Whassup, Sweet, what you want?

Sweet Johnson: It's Moms... She's dead, bro.

(Man in gas station): Look, this here is bullet proof glass, so you can just fuck off bitch, before I call the sheriff!

Pedestrian: You're like my asshole, always holding up shit.

Officer Eddie Pulaski: Get outta here, you grease-ball bastard! Stupid Mexican...

Officer Eddie Pulaski: [to Officer Hernandez] Oh, hey, sorry.

DJ Sage: You think you can stop the revolution? Heads are gonna roll. Specifically that bitch from the record store.

DJ Sage: The Mode are up next with "Personal Jesus". It's funny 'cause I found one. And it's me.

Tommy Smith: [plays The Who's "Eminence Front"] Only in the '70s there weren't many bands that could hold a candle to Crystal Ship, but I would've shared a stage with The Who anytime. If only they had the vision to ask.

Pedestrian: Move, bitch! Get out' the way!

Carl Johnson: [after dropping Loc at his work] I'll see you around.

Jeffrey 'OG Loc' Cross: Like a 'quarter pound! Later!

Carl Johnson: [explaining why he hates swimming] When I was swimming in the ocean once when I was young, I got a condom stuck to my face.

Man in Restroom: [Og Loc is rapping while cleaning the bathroom at Burger Shot] Yo! That shit *sucks*! Damn!

Pedestrian: [to CJ] Did someone die in your mouth?

Mary Phillips - Talk Radio: Some women want to be degraded. I mean really, really degraded. Like a Liberal having his way with you. God, it makes me feel so dirty.

Cop: After I kick your ass I'm gonna fuck it.

Pedestrian: [after seeing a person get run over] Did you orgasm before death came?

Jeffrey 'OG Loc' Cross: [in radio interview] I've been gangbangin' since I was three.

Lazlow - Talk Radio: Huh. Gangbanging? You know I never really understood that. I mean other people in the room while you're... urgh.

Pedestrian: [after CJ jacks a cheap car] Hey, what's a Johnson boy doing in a hooptie?

DJ Sage: You know, I don't think any of these bands are on a major label. You can't even buy their records. You can only hear them here on this station. God, we're so alternative!

Carl Johnson: [after hitting another car] Somebody going to be mad at you for smashing up their vehicle!

Mike Toreno: [sneaking up behind CJ at the airplane hangar in Verdant Meadows] Got you again, Carl! You're half-asleep, I coulda killed you in nine different ways! Wake up and smell the coffee!

Carl Johnson: You need to lay OFF the coffee!

Carl Johnson: That's going to my retirement fund

WCTR Imaging Voice: That was Area 53, check you rectum.

DJ The Funktipus: There's only one religion: The Funk, and only one language: The Funk. And only one hairstyle: The Funk. All I've eaten for the last ten years has been The Funk. And when I go to the bathroom, guess what I do? I do The Funk. Doo-doo The Funk, y'all!

Kent Paul: You shouldn't be choking the gecko in the first place! Remember what happened at that gig in Hamburg?

Maccer: That groupie loved it!

Kent Paul: That wasn't a groupie, that was a roadie!

Maccer: But she had great tits!

Kent Paul: Man-tits! They were MAN-TITS!

WCTR Imaging Voice: And now it's time for some sensationalist propaganda, I mean news

Carl Johnson: [when colliding with another car] I'm gonna get ugly on yo' ass, playa!

Pedestrian: [to CJ] Do you shower in doo-doo?

Cop 2: [When in a police vehicle, over the police radio]

Cop 1: Backup requested, I've got a 10-91 in Chinatown.

Cop 2: Which Chinatown?

Cop 1: Chinatown in San Fierro

WCTR Imaging Voice: You're leaving Area 53. Check your Rectum.

Carl Johnson: [punching someone] I'm rich and I'm fuckin' crazy!

Radio Caller: When I watch a movie, with two chicks and a dude, the public will label it as ''pornographic''. But when I watch a flick with two guys and a chick, and it's in French, probably wins some awards! Calls it arthouse love cinema! But it's revolting!

Sweet Johnson: [to CJ regarding his driving] It's either Warp 9 or nothin' with you.

Ammu-Nation Clerk: [when max. ammo is reached] I don't do big military orders.

Carl Johnson: [accepting a prostitute] Moms, I'm sooo sorry about this.

Carl Johnson: [accepting a prostitute] Yeah, maybe we should fall in love or somethin'?

Female Pedestrian: You just smell so sophisticated!

Carl Johnson: I smell like money.

Carl Johnson: [pointing a gun at someone] I'm a businessman and this is my business!

Jeffrey 'OG Loc' Cross: I gotta protect my rep!

Lianne Forget - Talk Radio: Top news story! Is skateboarding turning your son gay?

Lianne Forget - Talk Radio: Breaking news! Was Moses really from Ohio?

San Fierro Cop: Stop! I'm a social worker! My MSW has trained me to help you!

Ammu-Nation Clerk: They, uh, all lost their serial numbers.

Ammu-Nation Clerk: Everything a patriot could want!

Ammu-Nation Clerk: Stop a truck or ice your wife, I got just what you need.

Ammu-Nation Clerk: You hard yet?

Denise Robinson: Do you want to come in for some coffee?

Carl Johnson: I hope you're clean, bitch.

Denise Robinson: Do you want to come in for some coffee?

Carl Johnson: You don't got no VD or nothing, do ya, bitch?

Tommy Smith: You know, if more people rode the bus in this city, maybe we'd be able to see the sky. Pollution is a metaphor for evolution. We made it, people!

James Pedeaston - Talk Radio: Hello, you're on The Wild Traveler. ROAR!

Cop 1: [while chasing CJ] He's like a goddamn Olympic athlete!

Cop 2: [while chasing CJ, breathless] Stop running, you son of a bitch!

Carl Johnson: After five years on the East Coast, it was time to home.

Carl Johnson: Ah shit, here we go again.

Big Smoke: You picked the wrong house, fool!

Carl Johnson: Big smoke! It's me, Carl! Chill, chill!

Big Smoke: CJ...? Aaaooooww my dog! Whassup? Ha ha ha ha!

Big Smoke: Same things make us laugh, make us cry.

Sweet Johnson: And where the fuck you think you're going?

Kendl: What? Get out of my face. I'm going to see Cesar.

Big Smoke: Awww, motherfucker, my car!

Big Smoke: Come on, CJ! You can't keep up with the fat man?

Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: I got with them motherfuckers though, showed them niggaz who's gangsta.

Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: Ryder, nigga!

Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: Jeah, and get yourself some colors, fool.

Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: And a haircut, it's embarrassing to be seen with you!

Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: 'Ey, man, whatchu want?

Carl Johnson: Seeing my homie. What's up with you?

Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: Eeeh, homie, jeah jeah. It's good to see you back.

Carl Johnson: No homie love? No hug?

Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: Oh, fo sho', fo sho' my nigga, my bad. What's crackin' with you?

Carl Johnson: 'Ey, man, what you strapped for?

Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: Man, some pizza place keeps painting over our hit up, man!

Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: Shit is beautiful. Teach the owner a lesson.

Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: He's fucking with Grove Street. You down?

Carl Johnson: I'm always down.

Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: Ahhhh, jeah... Let's go, bitch.

Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: [Ryder points gun at employee] Give up the money! This a raid!

The Well Stacked Pizza Co. Employee: Ryder! Not this again!

Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: It ain't me, fool!

The Well Stacked Pizza Co. Employee: No one else is that small! I feel sorry for your dad!

Carl Johnson: Shit, you crazy! Let's get up outta here!

Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: Same old CJ! Busta! Straight busta!

The Well Stacked Pizza Co. Employee: [Employee grabs shotgun below and starts to shoot]

Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: Oh, shit! RUN!

Mary Phillips - Talk Radio: When you take the worst qualities of a elephant and donkey, you get alot of shit.

Carl Johnson: Look, what was going on, Truth? Who was them dudes?

Jethro: Don't go that way!

The Truth: Listen to Jethro. Now what if I told you, we never went to the moon, JFK lives in Scotland with Janis Joplin and the only reason we've been in a Cold war for the last 45 years was because snake-headed aliens run the oil business?

Carl Johnson: I'd think you popped another microdot.

The Truth: Good, keep it that way.

[repeated line]

Carl Johnson: [when C.J. is running from the police] I don't want a nightstick up the ass.

Commercial Voice: Bare foot and pregnant again! Just like my daddy.

Sgt. Johnson: Well, I don't care if it's God's own anti-son-of-a-bitch machine, or a giant hoola hoop, we're not gonna let 'em have it!

Sgt. Johnson: We are going to blow the hell out of those dumb bugs until we don't have anything left to shoot 'em with! And then, we are going to strangle them with their own-living-guts!

Grunt: [singing] We are the champions!

[first lines]

Captain Keyes: Cortana, all I need to know is did we lose them?

Cortana: I think we both know the answer to that.

Captain Keyes: We made a blind jump. How did they...

Cortana: - Get here first? The Covenant ships have always been faster. As for tracking us all the way from Reach, at lightspeed my maneuvering options were limited.

Captain Keyes: We were running dark, yes?

Cortana: Until we decelerated, no one could have missed the hole we tore in subspace. They were waiting for us on the far side of the planet.

Captain Keyes: So, where do we stand?

Cortana: Our fighters are mopping up the last of their recon picket, nothing serious. But I've located approach signatures for multiple CCS battlegroups, make it three capital ships per group.

Captain Keyes: Well, that's it then. Bring the ship back up to Combat Alert Alpha. I want everyone at their stations.

Cortana: Everyone, sir?

Captain Keyes: Everyone.

343 Guilty Spark: I am a genius. Hee hee hee!

[last lines]

[as you enter the Longsword Fighter]

Cortana: We're cutting it close!

[the Master Chief sits down, hits a few buttons]

The Master Chief: Here we go.

[the fighter launches, Halo explodes, the engines give a critical temperature warning]

Cortana: Shut them down, we'll need them later.

[pause]

Cortana: Fancy a look?

The Master Chief: Did anyone else make it?

Cortana: Scanning... Just dust and echoes. We're the only ones left. We... did what we had to do, for Earth. An entire Covenant armada, obliterated, and the Flood... we had no choice... Halo. It's finished.

The Master Chief: No, I think we're just getting started.

Cortana: [at the Control Room control panel] There, try that.

The Master Chief: [the Master Chief puts Cortana's AI chip into the panel] You okay?

Cortana: Never been better! You can't imagine the wealth of knowledge here. So much so fast! It's glorious!

The Master Chief: So, what kind of weapon is it?

Cortana: What are you talking about?

The Master Chief: Let's stay focused, now. Halo; how do we use it against the Covenant?

Cortana: This ring isn't a cudgel, you barbarian, it's something else. Something much more important. Gimme a second to access... Yes, this ring, it's forerunner. The forerunner built this ring, what they call a fortress world, in order to... Wait... no, that can't be... Oh, those Covenant fools! They must have known! There must have been signs!

The Master Chief: Slow down; you're losin' me.

Cortana: The Covenant found something, buried in this ring, something terrible, and now, they're afraid.

The Master Chief: Something buried? Wha...

Cortana: THE CAPTAIN! WE'VE GOT TO STOP THE CAPTAIN!

The Master Chief: Keyes?

Cortana: The weapons cache he's looking for it's not really... it doesn't really exist!

The Master Chief: [tired and confused] I don't understa...

Cortana: -There's no time! Get out of here, find Keyes, stop him!

[the Master Chief runs out of the room]

Cortana: BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!

Sgt. Johnson: [to Fire Team Charlie] Once again, it is our job to finish what the flyboys started. We are leaving this ship, platoon, and engaging the Covenant on solid ground. When we meet the enemy, we will rip their skulls from their spines, and toss 'em away, laughin'! Am I right, Marines?

Grunt: [after sticking with plasma grenade] Oh No! Not again!

The Master Chief: Captain Keyes.

Captain Keyes: Good to see you, Master Chief! Things aren't going well. Cortana did her best, but we really never had a chance.

Cortana: A dozen superior Covenant battleships against a single Halcyon class cruiser. With those odds I'm content with three... make that four kills.

Cortana: [she turns to the Master Cheif] Sleep well?

The Master Chief: No thanks to your driving... Yes.

Cortana: So you did miss me.

Cortana: The Covenant believe that what they call the Silent Cartographer is somewhere under this island. The Cartographer is a Map Room that will show us the location of Halo's Control Center. The Island has multiple structures and installations, one of them contains the Map room.

Foe Hammer: The LZ looks clear! I'm bringin' us down! Get set to come out swingin'! Touchdown! HIT IT MARINES!

Marine: [after killing all the aliens on the beach] Area secure! All hostiles have been eliminated!

Foe Hammer: Affirmative! Echo 419 inbound! Somebody order a Warthog?

Sgt. Stacker: Hey, I didn't know you made house calls, Foe Hammer!

Foe Hammer: You know our motto! "We deliver!"

[the Monitor hits the floor after the Chief inserts the Index into the core and Cortana arise from the hologram panel in a foul mood]

Cortana: I have been cooped up in here for twelve hours watching you toatie about helping that thing get set to slit our throats!

The Master Chief: Hold on now, he's a friend.

Cortana: [Sarcastically] Oh! I didn't realize! Is he your pal? Is he your chum? DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT THAT BASTARD ALMOST MADE YOU DO?

The Master Chief: Yeeessss; activate Halo's defenses and destroy the Flood, which is why we brought the Index to the control center.

Cortana: You mean this?

[Holds up the Index]

343 Guilty Spark: A construct in the core? That is absolutely unacceptable!

Cortana: Sawed off!

343 Guilty Spark: Why... I shall purge you at once!

Cortana: You sure that's a good idea?

[the Index vanishes from her hands]

343 Guilty Spark: Why I-I...

Cortana: -Do what? I have the Index! YOU CAN JUST FLOAT AND SPUTTER!

The Master Chief: [to both] Enough!

[turns to Cortana]

The Master Chief: The Flood is spreading. If we activate Halo's defenses, we can wipe them out.

Cortana: You have no idea how this ring works, do you? Why the Forerunners built it? Halo doesn't kill Flood, IT KILLS THEIR FOOD! Humans, Covenant, whatever; we're all equally edible. The only way to stop the Flood is to starve them to death, and that's EXACTLY what Halo is designed to do; wipe the galaxy clean of all sentient life. You don't believe me? Ask HIM.

[points to the Monitor]

The Master Chief: [turns to the Monitor with a serious demeanor] Is it true?

343 Guilty Spark: ...More or less. Technically, this installation's pulse has a maximum effective radius of up to 25,000 light years. But, once others follow suit, this galaxy will be quite devoid of life. Or, at least any life with sufficient biomass to sustain the Flood. But you already knew that. I mean... how couldn't you?

Cortana: Left out that little detail, did he?

343 Guilty Spark: [to the Chief] We followed outbreak procedure to the letter. You were with me each step of the way as we managed this crisis.

Cortana: [bows her head] I'm tracking movement, we have to go!

343 Guilty Spark: [still talking to the Chief] Why would you hesitate to do what you've already done?

Cortana: We have to go! We have to move now!

343 Guilty Spark: [four Sentinels appear behind him] Last time you asked me, if it were my choice, would I do it? Having had considerable time to ponder your querey, my answer has not changed.

[the Chief grabs Cortana's chip and jams it into his helmet]

343 Guilty Spark: If you are unwilling to help, I will simply find another. But still, I must have the Index.

Cortana: [to the Chief] Get... us... out of here!

343 Guilty Spark: Surrender your construct, or I will be forced to take it from you.

The Master Chief: [through his teeth] That's not going to happen!

343 Guilty Spark: So be it.

[to the Sentinels]

343 Guilty Spark: Save his head, dispose of the rest.

[the Monitor flies away, leaving the Chief and Cortana to the tender mercies of the Sentinels]

Grunt: [after sticking a plasma grenade to him] Get it off! Get it off! Get it-

[BOOM]

Sgt. Johnson: [after Master Chief dies] Damn it! Get Cortana out of his head!

Sgt. Johnson: [Fighting the covenet] I would have been your daddy, but that dog beat me over the fence.

Captain Keyes: Stow your belly-aching, soldier. Remember you're a leatherneck.

Pvt. Mendoza: [Jenkins's video feed - Marines are examining a brutally killed elite] ... which is weird right? I mean, look at it, something scrambled the insides.

Sgt. Johnson: Hunh. Plasma scoring?

Pvt. Mendoza: Yeah, I don't know, maybe there was an accident you know, friendly fire?

Captain Keyes: What do we have Sergeant?

Sgt. Johnson: Looks like a Covenant patrol, bad-ass elite unit, all KIA.

Captain Keyes: Real pretty, friend of yours?

Pvt. Mendoza: Nah, we just met.

Grunt: [after killing you] Get up, so I can do that again!

Captain Keyes: [FPV from Jenkins' helmet cam] Right, well let's get this door open.

Pvt. Mendoza: I'll try sir, but it looks like these Covenant worked pretty hard to lock it down.

Captain Keyes: Just *do* it, son.

Pvt. Mendoza: Yes sir.

[Mendoza uses a codebreaker and opens the door. He motions to go in the room. Jenkins, Mendoza and Bisenti go in and fan out]

Pvt. Bisent: I got a bad feelin' about this...

Sgt. Johnson: Boy, you always got a bad feelin' about SOMETHIN'.

Marine: [Over radio] Captain, Sarge... can you hear me?

Captain Keyes: What's going on, soldier?

Marine: We've got contacts... lots of them... but they're not Covenant... they're just tearing through us... what the!... Ooooohhh... Nooooo!

Sgt. Johnson: Corporal? Corporal, do you hear me, over? Mendoza, get your ass back up to second squad's position and find out what the HELL is goin' on!

Pvt. Mendoza: But, Sa...

Sgt. Johnson: I don't have time for your lip, soldier! I gave you an order!

Pvt. Mendoza: Sarge! Listen...

[a weird slurping noise is heard]

Pvt. Bisent: What IS that?

Sgt. Johnson: Where's that comin' from, Mendoza?

Pvt. Mendoza: Everywhere, I don't-there! Mira!

[Mendoza points as Infection form Flood pour out of a door]

Pvt. Bisent: [a Flood attaches to Bisenti's face] Ahh... AUGH! Get it off!

Pvt. Mendoza: Hold still, hold still!

Sgt. Johnson: Let 'em have it!

[the Marines open fire]

Captain Keyes: Sergeant, we're surrounded!

Sgt. Johnson: God DAMNIT Jenkins, fire your weapon!

Pvt. Jenkins: There are too many, Sarge!

Sgt. Johnson: Don't even think about it, Marine.

Pvt. Mendoza: Yo, this is loco!

Captain Keyes: Get back here soldier! That's an order!

[Flood block Jenkins' cam, and the video ends]

Marine: [after killing an enemy] Get up, so I can kill you again!

Sgt. Johnson: [to Fire Team Charlie] Men, here is where we show those split-chin squid-head sons-of-bitches that they could not have picked a worse enemy than the human race! We are going to blow the hell out of those dumb bugs, until we don't have anything left to shoot 'em with! And then we are going to strangle them with their own-living-guts! Am I *right*, Marines?

343 Guilty Spark: Greetings. I am the Monitor of installation 04. I am 343 Guilty Spark. Someone has released the Flood. My function is to prevent it from leaving this installation. But I require your assistance.

343 Guilty Spark: Why naturally the Flood is simply too dangerous to release, and mass sterilization protocols may again need to be enacted. Of course, samples were kept here after the last catastrophic outbreak... for study. It seems... that decision may have been an error.

343 Guilty Spark: You can see how the body's been transformed by the genetic restructuring of the Flood infection. The small creatures carry spores that cause a host to mutate. The mutated host then produces spores that can pass the Flood to others. It is insidious and elegant. As long as any hosts remain, the Flood is virulent.

[in a Banshee]

Cortana: This thing is falling apart!

The Master Chief: It'll hold.

Cortana: We're not gonna make it!

The Master Chief: We'll make it.

Cortana: Pull up! Pull up!

[the Banshee crashes]

Cortana: [sardonic] You did that on purpose, didn't you?

Grunt: We're all gonna die!

Sgt. Johnson: Hit it, Marines! Go! Go! Go! The corps ain't payin' us by the hour!

Grunt: [after killing you] Can I keep his helmet?

Grunt: They're everywhere!

Grunt: He's killed an Elite! Run!

[the Master Chief plugs the AI Cortana into his MJOLNIR armor memory matrix]

Cortana: Hmm. Your architecture is a quite similar the Autumn's.

The Master Chief: Don't get any funny ideas.

Grunt: I'll bite your kneecaps off!

Elite: Wort Wort Wort!

Marine: [if you shoot him] Do I owe you money?

Sgt. Johnson: [when a large number of hostiles appears] MARINES, we are LEAVING!

Pvt. Chips Dubbo: [engages a horde of Combat Flood] Oh God! I recognize that one... That was Bob!

Grunt: Can't... run... with... thing... on... back...

Grunt: I'm glad that food nipple is waiting for me on the starship cause man, have I worked up a big, grunty, thirst!

Sgt. Johnson: [if you kill a lot of enemies] I'm startin' to feel sorry for them.

343 Guilty Spark: It is curious that you brought such ineffective weapons to combat the Flood, despite the containment protocols.

343 Guilty Spark: These Sentinels will supplement your combat system. But I suggest you upgrade to at least a Class Twelve combat skin. Your current model only scans as a Class Two, which is ill-suited for this kind of work.

343 Guilty Spark: The installation was specifically built to study and contain the Flood. Their survival as a race was dependent upon it. I am grateful to see that some of them survived to reproduce.

Marine: So how do we get inside the ship if it's in the air? The corps issued me a rifle, not wings.

naval officer: [on the Pillar of Autumn after attack has started] Looks like I picked the wrong day to stop smokin'.

Cortana: [to Master Chief after killing Captain Keyes] What the hell are you doing?

Cortana: [announcing over loud speaker] Security to the Bridge. The Master Cheif has gone rampant. Take him down, boys.

343 Guilty Spark: [after hitting 343 Guilty Spark with your gun] We have much more important things to do.

343 Guilty Spark: [after clubing 343 Guilty Spark with your gun] Are you finished yet?

343 Guilty Spark: [after smacking 343 Guilty Spark with your gun] Please control your temper.

343 Guilty Spark: [after hitting 343 Guilty Spark with your gun] Please stop marring your weapon.

343 Guilty Spark: [after meleeing 343 Guilty Spark with your gun] Please stop being human.

Prophet of Truth: There are those who said this day would never come. What have they to say now?

The Master Chief: I need a weapon.

Grunt: [walking to a dead enemy] This waste of ammo, but me no care.

[fires several rounds at corpse and laughs]

Cortana: [after seeing Gravemind] What... is that?

Gravemind: I... I am a monument to all your sins...

Arbiter: [Struggling]

The Master Chief: Relax. I'd rather not piss this thing off.

Arbiter: Demon!

Gravemind: This one is machine and nerve and has its mind concluded; this one is but flesh and faith and is the more deluded...

Arbiter: Kill me or release me, parasite. But do not waste my time with talk!

Gravemind: There is much talk... and I have listened through rock and metal and time... Now I shall talk and you shall listen...

2401 Penitent Tangent: Greetings! I am 2401 Penitent Tangent, I am the monitor of installation 05...

Prophet of Regret: -and I am the Prophet of Regret, Counsil of most high, heirarch of the Covenant!

2401 Penitent Tangent: [looks at Master Chief] A reclaimer, here? At last! We have much to do! This facility must be activated if we are to control this outbreak!

Prophet of Regret: Stay where you are! Nothing can be done until my sermon is complete!

2401 Penitent Tangent: Not true! This installation has a successful utilization record of 1.2 trillion simulated and 1 actual. It is ready to fire on demand.

Prophet of Regret: Of all the objects that our Lords left behind, there are none so worthless as these Oracles! They know nothing of the Great Journey!

2401 Penitent Tangent: And you know nothing about containment! You have demonstrated complete disregard for even the most basic protocols!

Gravemind: This one's Containment, and this one's Great Journey are the same... Your prophets have promised you freedom from a doomed existence, but you will find no salvation on this ring...

The Master Chief: After I take care of truth

Cortana: Don't make a girl a promise

Cortana: If you know you can't keep it

Marine Sergeant: Did I give you permission to bitch, soldier?

Marine: Okay, purple hearts for everybody!

Marine: I wonder if those aliens have insurance?

Grunt: [after killing you] I get his helmet!

Grunt #1: [after killing you] I get his helmet!

Gravemind: Silence fills the empty grave, now that I have gone. But my mind is not at rest, for questions linger on. I will ask, and you will answer.

Cortana: All right. Shoot.

Marine: This reminds me of the time I got herpes.

SpecOps Leader: [to Arbiter] You are the Arbiter, the will of the Prophets. But these are my Elites, their lives matter to me - yours does not.

Arbiter: That makes two of us.

SpecOps Leader: When we joined the Covenant, we took an oath!

SpecOps Elites: According to our station! All without exception!

SpecOps Leader: On the blood of our fathers, on the blood of our sons, we swore to uphold the Covenant!

SpecOps Elites: Even to our dying breath!

SpecOps Leader: Those who would break this oath are heretics! Worthy of neither pity nor mercy!

SpecOps Elites: We shall grind them into dust! Wipe them as excrement from our boots!

SpecOps Leader: And continue our march to glorious salvation!

SpecOps Leader: This armour suits you, Arbiter. But it cannot hide that mark.

Arbiter: Nothing ever will.

SpecOps Leader: You are the Arbiter. The will of the Prophets. But these are my Elites. Their lives matter to me, yours does not.

Arbiter: That makes two of us.

Sergeant Johnson: [if you give him a weaker weapon] I thought we were friends!

Elite: [shooting one as the arbiter] I will pretend that never happened!

[first lines]

Arbiter: [standing before the heirarchs and the counsel] There was only one ship.

Prophet of Truth: One? Are you sure?

Arbiter: Yes. They called it the "Pillar of Autumn"

Prophet of Mercy: Why was it not destroyed with the rest of their fleet?

Arbiter: It fled as we set fire to their planet. I followed with all the ships in my command.

Prophet of Regret: When you first saw Halo, were you blinded by its magesty?

Arbiter: Blinded?

Prophet of Regret: Paralyzed? Dumbstruck?

Arbiter: No!

Prophet of Regret: Yet the humans were able to evade your ships, land on the sacred ring, and descrate it with their filty footsteps!

Arbiter: Noble hierarchs, surely you understand that once the parasite attacked...

[crowd uproars]

Prophet of Mercy: There will be order in this counsel!

Prophet of Truth: [Gestures the crowd to be silent] You were right to focus your attention on The Flood, but this Demon? This Master Chief?

Arbiter: By the time I learned of the Demon's intent, there was nothing I could do!

[crowd uproars again]

Prophet of Regret: [whispering] Prophet of Truth, this has gone on long enough! Make an example of this bungler! The Counsel demands it!

Prophet of Truth: [to the Arbiter] You are one of our most treasured instruments. Long have you lead your fleet with honor and distinction. But, your inability to safeguard Halo was a colossal failure.

Counselman: Nay! It was heresy!

[crowd uproars intensely]

Arbiter: I will continue my campaign against the humans!

Prophet of Truth: No, you will not.

[Signals the Honor Guards to take him away]

Prophet of Truth: The Great Journey is about to begin. But, when it does, the weight of your heresy will stay your feet... and you shall be left behind.

Sergeant Johnson: [shooting him as Master Chief] Chief, you're supposed to set an example!

Sergeant Johnson: [shooting him as the Master Chief] Clean your visor, jackass.

Mexian Marine: Hey, you're the perfect height... to kiss my ass!

Sergeant Johnson: Don't make me take off my belt!

Sergeant Johnson: [giving him a stronger weapon] I can't take this!

[pause]

Sergeant Johnson: Yes I can.

Sergeant Johnson: [giving him a stronger weapon] Now that... is some love.

Elite: [after a battle] They never stood a chance, eh Arbiter?

Grunt: That's right! Cower, coward!

Sergeant Johnson: [shooting him as Master Chief] OW!

Sergeant Johnson: [shooting him as Master Chief] Do I look like an 8-foot blue alien monster?

Sergeant Johnson: [shooting him as Master Chief] Damn, Chief, that really hurt!

Sergeant Johnson: [shooting him as Master Chief] Clean your visor, jackass!

Grunt: [Door opens to many enemies] Arbiter go first, ha ha.

Sgt. Johnson: Now listen up! Back in my day, we didn't have fancy tanks! We had sticks. Two stick and a rock for the entire platoon! And we had to share the rock! You should consider yourself very lucky marines!

Sgt. Johnson: [if the Master Chief dies] Ha ha very funny Chief!

[pause]

Sgt. Johnson: Uh Oh

Cortana: [after seeing Gravemind] What... is that?

Gravemind: I... I am a monument to all your sins...

Arbiter: [Struggling]

The Master Chief: Relax. I'd rather not piss this thing off.

Arbiter: Demon!

Gravemind: This one is machine and nerve and has its mind concluded; this one is but flesh and faith and is the more deluded...

Arbiter: Kill me or release me, parasite. But do not waste my time with talk!

Gravemind: There is much talk... and I have listened through rock and metal and time... Now I shall talk and you shall listen...

2401 Penitent Tangent: Greetings! I am 2401 Penitent Tangent, I am the monitor of installation 05...

Prophet of Regret: -and I am the Prophet of Regret, Counsil of most high, heirarch of the Covenant!

2401 Penitent Tangent: [looks at Master Chief] A reclaimer, here? At last! We have much to do! This facility must be activated if we are to control this outbreak!

Prophet of Regret: Stay where you are! Nothing can be done until my sermon is complete!

2401 Penitent Tangent: Not true! This installation has a successful utilization record of 1.2 trillion simulated and 1 actual. It is ready to fire on demand.

Prophet of Regret: Of all the objects that our Lords left behind, there are none so worthless as these Oracles! They know nothing of the Great Journey!

2401 Penitent Tangent: And you know nothing about containment! You have demonstrated complete disregard for even the most basic protocols!

Gravemind: This one's Containment, and this one's Great Journey are the same... Your prophets have promised you freedom from a doomed existance, but you will find no salvation on this ring. Those that built this place knew what they wraught. Do not mistake their intent or all will perish as they did before

The Master Chief: This thing is right; Halo is a weapon. Your prophets are making a big mistake

Arbiter: Your ignorance already destroyed one of the sacred rings, Demon. It shall not harm another!

Gravemind: If you will not hear the truth, then I will show it to you.

[to the Chief]

Gravemind: You will search one likely spot,

[to the Arbiter]

Gravemind: and you will search another. Fate may have placed us as foes, but this ring will make is brothers.

Marine: [Firing at a Scarab to no avail. It steps over all the marines] That thing is really starting to PISS ME OFF!

Cortana: [Experiences trepidation just before Master Chief's plan to jump out the space station air lock] What if we miss?

The Master Chief: *I* won't

[Jumps out airlock]

Brute: [Firing at the player, but you evade and stay alive] Curses, you tremendous bastard!

Sergeant Johnson: [while he is fighting the covenant] I don't want to kill you, it's just that you're too ugly to let live!

Marine: [to the Master Chief] Hey, man, if I get injured, be sure to give me lots of drugs!

Grunt: [to the Arbiter] Please, no hurt! Me like Elites. Brutes stinky bad bad. Me stay here, make sure no Brutes come behind mighty Arbiter. Heh, heh... Eh?

Elite: [after killing an enemy] I reduced him to atoms.

Cortana: [looks at Master Chief] You look nice.

The Master Chief: Than...

Sergeant Johnson: Thank you.

The Master Chief: [looks at Sergeant Johnson]

The Master Chief: [watches the Arbiter struggle against the Gravemind's tentacles] Relax. I'd rather not piss this thing off.

Cortana: [waits for the Master Chief to get oriented after a crash landing in a Pelican] Come on! Do I need to do CPR?

Elite: Our enemies are not going to kill themselves, you know.

Elite: Wort wort wort!

Elite: That battle was exhilarating... was it not?

Cortana: [explaining her theory on why the Prophet of Regret would be in the temple in front of Master Chief] If I were a megalomaniac, an I'm not, that is where I would be.

Marine: Whats the matter? Am I comin' on too strong?

Marine Sergeant: Hey, Kalamari!

Marine: Ah man, I love the beach!

Marine: I hope you packed a suit, mate!

Cortana: Cut the chatter! We got trouble!

SpecOps Elites: When we joined the Covenant, we took an oath!

SpecOps Elites: According to our station! All without exception!

SpecOps Leader: On the blood of our fathers, on the blood of our sons, we swore to uphold the Covenant!

SpecOps Elites: Even to our dying breath!

SpecOps Leader: Those who would break this oath are heretics! Worthy of neither pity nor mercy!

SpecOps Elites: We shall grind them into dust! Wipe them as excrement from our boots!

SpecOps Leader: And continue our march to glorious salvation!

SpecOps Leader: This armour suits you, Arbiter. But it cannot hide that mark.

Arbiter: Nothing ever will.

SpecOps Leader: You are the Arbiter. The will of the Prophets. But these are my Elites. Their lives matter to me, yours does not.

Arbiter: That makes two of us.

Marine: [after running over a Covenant] Hey, Do you know how to turn on the windshield wipers?

Marine: Heh! I ran out of grenades and accidently threw my lunch.

[short pause]

Marine: It's true!

Sgt. Johnson: Don't they teach you kids to SWEAR in basic anymore?

Marine: [after a player purposefully shoots his own man] Uhh... Chief, could you at least pretend to aim?

Sgt. Johnson: For a brick, he flew pretty good.

[last lines]

The Master Chief: This is Spartan 117! Can anyone read me? Over.

Lord Hood: Isolate that signal! Master Chief, mind telling me what you're doing on that ship?

The Master Chief: Sir. Finishing this fight.

Marine: [during a fire-fight] Have we tried reasoning with them?

Cortana: I'm sorry, were you trying to kill something?

Grunt #1: [the Special Ops team enters an area that shows signs of Flood infestation] Me have bad feeling about this...

Grunt #2: You *always* have bad feeling! You had bad feeling about morning food nipple!

Cortana: [Sergeant Johnson has just delivered a Scorpion tank to the Master Chief and Cortana] Thanks for the tank. *He* never gets me anything.

Sergeant Johnson: [manning a machine gun] Oh, I *know* what the ladies like.

Prophet of Truth: No enemy has ever withstood our might.

Sgt. Johnson: Where's the rest of your platoon?

Marine: Wasted, Sarge.

Marine: Which we will be too, sir! If we don't get the hell out of here!

Sgt. Johnson: You hit, Marine?

Marine: No, sir...

Sgt. Johnson: Then listen up! You had the chance to be afraid before you joined my beloved corps! But to guide you back to the true path, I've brought this motivational device!

[indicates Scorpion Tank]

Sgt. Johnson: Our big green style cannot be defeated!

Marine: Dear Sarge, having a lovely time kicking ass in outer space - wish you were here!

Sgt. Johnson: [over intercom] I heard that, Jackass!

Marine Sergeant: Get the hell out of my armory, split lip!

Cortana: [on radio] The message just repeats - "Regret. Regret. Regret."

Miranda Keyes: [on radio on another ship] Catchy. Any idea what it means?

Sergeant Johnson: [on radio on another ship, speaking in the position of a Covenant] Dear humanity, we regret being alien bastards, we regret coming to Earth, and we most definitely regret the Corps just blew up our raggedy-ass fleet!

Pilots: [along with Sgt. Johnson] Hoo-ra!

Marine: Dude are you made of leprechauns? Cause that was awesome!

Marine: [shooting an Elite on the ground] That's for my little brother!

Prophet of Truth: The council decided to have y' hung by your entrails and your corpse paraded through the city. But ultimately, the terms of your execution are up to me.

Arbiter: I am already dead.

Tartarus: [bringing the soon to be Arbiter to the Prophets] Noble Prophets of Truth and Mercy, I have brought the incompetent.

Prophet of Truth: You may leave, Tartarus.

Tartarus: But...

Prophet of Truth: And take your Brutes with you.

Tartarus: [disappointed] Release the prisoner.

[leaves]

Prophet of Truth: The Council decided to have you hung by your entrails, and your corpse paraded through the city. But ultimately, the terms of your execution are up to me.

Arbiter: I am already dead.

Prophet of Truth: Indeed. Do you know where we are?

Arbiter: The Mausoleum of the Arbiter.

Prophet of Truth: Yes. Here lies the vanguard of the Great Journey. Each Arbiter, created and consumed in times of extraordinary crisis.

Prophet of Mercy: The Taming of the Hunters, the Grunt Rebellion, were it not for the Arbiters, the Covenant would have fallen long ago!

Arbiter: Even on my knees, I do not belong in their presence...

Prophet of Truth: Halo's destruction was your error, and you rightly bear the blame. But the Council was, overzealous. We know you are no heretic. THIS is the TRUE face of heresy.

[indicating hologram]

Prophet of Truth: One who would subdue our faith, and induce rebellion within the High Council.

Heretic Leader: Our Prophets are FALSE! Open your eyes, my brothers! They would use the faith of our forefathers to bring ruin to us all! The Great Journey is...

Prophet of Truth: This Heretic, and those who follow him, must be silenced.

Arbiter: What use am I now? I can no longer command ships, lead troops into battle...

Prophet of Truth: Not as you are, no. But become the Arbiter, and you shall be set free of this heresy with our blessing.

[large case holding Arbiter's armour descends and opens]

Arbiter: What of the council?

Prophet of Mercy: The tasks you will take as the Arbiter are perilous, suicidal. You will DIE. As each Arbiter before you has died. The Council will have their corpse.

Arbiter: [walks to Arbiter armour, puts on helmet, and turns to Prophets] What would you have your Arbiter do?

Prophet of Truth: The council decided to have you hung by your entrails and your corpse paraded throughout the city. But, ultimately, the terms of your execution are up to me.

Arbiter: I am already dead.

Prophet of Truth: Indeed. Do you know where we are?

Arbiter: The Mausoleum of the Arbiters.

Prophet of Truth: Quite. Here rests the vanguard of the Great Journey: every Arbiter from first to last. Created and conceived in times of extraordinary crisis.

Prophet of Mercy: The Taming of the Hunters! The Grunt Rebellion! Were it not for the Arbiter, the Covenant would have broken long ago!

Arbiter: Even on my knees, I do not belong in their presence.

Prophet of Truth: The destruction of Halo was your error, and your rightly bear the blame, but the council was overzealous; we know you are no heretic. THIS is the true face of heresy, one who would subvert our faith and incite rebellion against the high council.

[Turns on a halogram projector to reveal a recording of the Heretic Leader]

Heretic Leader: Our Prophets are false! Open your eyes, my brothers! They would use the faith of our forefathers to bring ruin to us all! The Great Journey-

[Truth turns off the projector]

Prophet of Truth: This heretic, and those who follow him, must be silenced.

Prophet of Mercy: This slandered offends all we hold sacred!

Arbiter: What do you suggest? I can no longer command ships, lead troops into battle...

Prophet of Truth: -Not as you are, but, become the Arbiter, and you shall be set loose against this heresy with our blessing.

[a pod descends to the floor and opens, revealing the Arbiter's new armor]

Prophet of Truth: .

Arbiter: What of the council?

Prophet of Mercy: The tasks you must undertake as the Arbiter are perilous! Suicidal! You will die as each Arbiter has before you! The council will have their corpse.

Arbiter: [Walks over to the Arbiter armor and puts on the helmet] What would you have your Arbiter do?

Sgt. Johnson: Please... don't shake the light bulb!

Arbiter: Those that built the rings? What happened to the Forerunners?

343 Guilty Spark: After exhausting every strategic attempt, my creators fired the rings. They and every sentient life form within three radii of the galatic center died as planned. Would you like to see the relevant data?

Arbiter: Tartarus, the Prophets have betrayed us.

Tartarus: NO, Arbiter! The Great Journey has begun, and the Brutes, not the Elites, shall be the Prophets' escort!

Arbiter: [after the Arbiter captures the Index, Keyes, and Sgt. Johnson] Excellent work, Arbiter! The hierarchs will be pleased!

Arbiter: The icon is my responsibility.

Tartarus: *Was* your responsibility. Now, it is mine. A bloody fate awaits you and the rest of your incompetent race, and I, Tartarus, chieftain of the Brutes, will see to it.

Arbiter: When the Prophets learn of this, they will take your head!

Tartarus: *When* they learn? Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Fool! They ordered me to do it.

Miranda Keyes: [after the ring is shut down] What's that?

343 Guilty Spark: A beacon.

Miranda Keyes: What's it doing?

343 Guilty Spark: Communicating at superluminous speeds with the frequency of...

Miranda Keyes: -Communicating with what?

343 Guilty Spark: The other installations.

Miranda Keyes: Show me.

343 Guilty Spark: Failsafe protocol; in the event of an unexpected shut down, the installation will move to standby status. All installations are now eligible for remote activation.

Miranda Keyes: Remote activation? From here?

343 Guilty Spark: Don't be ridiculous!

Sgt. Johnson: Listen, Tinkerbell, don't make me...

Miranda Keyes: Then where? Where would somebody go to activate the other rings?

343 Guilty Spark: ...Why, the Ark, of course!

Arbiter: And where, Oracle, is that?

Cortana: Wait! Stop! That's what I thought he said!

The Master Chief: What?

Cortana: That Prophet, he's going to activate Halo!

The Master Chief: Are you sure?

Prophet of Regret: [Cortana playing back the Prophet's comments] I shall light this holy ring, release it's cleansing flame, and burn a path into the divine beyond!

Cortana: Pretty much.

American Marine: This is our Alamo!

Mexian Marine: Hey, I'm not from Texas, buco!

Heretic Leader: I wondered whom the Prophets would send to silence me. An Arbiter! I'm flattered.

SpecOps Leader: He's using a holodrone. He must be close! Come out so we may kill you!

Heretic Leader: Hahahahahahaha... get in line.

The Master Chief: Sir, request permission to leave the station.

Lord Hood: For what purpose, Master Chief?

The Master Chief: To give the Covenant back their bomb.

Lord Hood: Permission granted.

Cortana: Just one question. What if you miss?

The Master Chief: I won't.

Grunt: You can't hide from me!

Elite: [killing Master Chief] I'm sure the Prophets are gonna reward me for this!

Grunt: Arbiter our savior! Stupid jackal, say thank you!

Grunt: How come there never be Arbiter grunt?

Grunt: If hungry, eat jackal.

Grunt: Need... to... change... backpack.

Grunt: We make fire... sing songs. Call it camp.

Marine Sergeant: Fall in over here!

Marine: Yeah, you got it. Will there be snacks?

Marine: Hey, if you're going to the fridge... grab me a beer, please?

Marine: The whole staring and heavy breathing thing doesn't really work for me.

Marine Sergeant: Grenades are like RAM - you can never have too much.

Marine Sergeant: If my face looked like a squid, I'd be angry, too!

Marine Sergeant: [after killing a covenant troop] Say good night, punk.

Marine: [if player has Master Chief staring in particular direction] Hey! Less looking, more shooting!

Cortana: I know what you're thinking, and it's crazy.

The Master Chief: So, stay here.

Cortana: Unfortunately for us both, I like crazy.

The Master Chief: [after deactivating the bomb] How much time was left?

Cortana: You don't wanna know.

Marine: [referring to the Covenant boarders] They're in standard formation - little bastards up front, big ones in back. Good luck, Cairo.

Cortana: [the marines have just landed on a beach] Could you make anymore noise?

[the Master Chief picks up rocket launcher]

Cortana: Guess so.

Marine: I don't know who glassed Reach, but it sure wasn't you little girl scouts!

Marine: I don't know who glassed Reach, but it sure wasn't you stupid bastards!

Arbiter: The human who killed the Prophet of Regret... who was it?

Tartarus: Who do you think?

Arbiter: The demon is here?

Tartarus: Why? Looking for a little payback?

Arbiter: Retrieving the Icon is my only concern

Tartarus: [Chuckles] Of course...

Marine: [after killing an enemy] Swing bada-bada swing!

Marine: Seriously, if you're not dead, you're fine!

Marine: I'll kill ya... a little bit!

Marine: [when a grenade kills an enemy] BAM!

Marine: [when a lot of enemies appear] Well... goodbye!

Marine: What's on your back, a toilet?

Sergeant Johnson: [killing an Elite] Looks like your big freaky mouth bit off more than it could chew!

Marine: Hey! Let's catch one and ride it!

Marine: [during a grenade toss] Do NOT open till Christmas!

Marine: Using both hands, an idea whose time has come!

Sgt. Johnson: [Giving him a weaker weapon] If it were anybody else...

Grunt #1: Me take off mask, smell better! But nooo, always have to fight on oxygen planet! How come enemies don't breathe methane?

Sergeant Johnson: [When aiming at Sergeant Johnson] I know I'm pretty, but we gotta get to work!

Marine: Yes, that's why they call it a breastplate.

Lord Hood: They're going to try and take our MAC guns offline. Give the Covenant a straight shot at Earth. Master Chief, defend this station!

Grunt: Arbiter you hunt, I'll kill!

Marine: [while shooting an already-dead alien with shotgun] Look at me when I'm talking to you!

Marine Sergeant: I heard you fellas taste *just* like chicken!

Sgt. Johnson: Then listen up! When i joined the core we didn't have any fancy shmancy tanks... we had sticks! 2 sticks and a rock for the whole platoon, and we had to share the rock! Buck up boy, your one very lucky marine.

Marine: Are you a leprechaun? Because that was awesome!

Marine: He's cute for a cyborg.

Marine: Damn, I forgot the plan.

[pause]

Marine: Oh yeah, kill all the aliens.

Grunt: [while cloaked] Where'd gun go?

[pause]

Grunt: Oh! Right. heh heh.

Grunt: [while cloaked] I'm invisible!

Grunt: [after a fight] What next? Nap?

Grunt: [while looking at grunt] We make good team!

Grunt: Wish we could sleep with eyes open.

Marine: [after player as Master Chef purposely kills another Marine] That man you killed... he had a puppy!

Prophet of Truth: [to Arbiter] Politics, how tiresome.

Marine: Would you treat your mother like that?

Cortana: I have defied gods and demons. I am your shield; I am your sword. I know you; your past, your future. This is the way the world ends.

Little Boy: Do you ever wonder what's up there?

Little Girl: Like what?

Little Boy: Maybe someone up there is probably wondering what it's like here.

Little Girl: I guess... Do you think we'll ever meet them?

Little Boy: I hope so... Don't you?

Master Chief: [gasps for air, looks to the side and sees helmet]

Little Girl: [echoing] Do you think we'll ever meet them?

Master Chief: [grabs helmet and puts it on]

Little Girl: [whispering] Time to go...

[from trailer]

Sergeant Johnson: Marines, fall back now!

Sergeant Johnson: Any sign of the Chief?

Marine #2: Negative Sarge. I think we lost him.

Master Chief: Not yet.

Prophet of Truth: You are, all of you, vermin. Cowering in the dirt, thinking... what? That you might escape the coming fire? Your world will burn until its surface is but glass!

Cortana: So have you got a plan to get out?

Master Chief: I was gonna shoot my way out. Mix things up a little.

[last lines]

Master Chief: Wake me... when you need me.

Sergeant Johnson: We have enough to worry about without you two trying to kill each other.

Arbiter: Were it so easy.

Prophet of Truth: I am the Prophet of Truth! The voice of the Covenant!

Arbiter: And so, you must be silenced.

[repeated line]

Arbiter: Were it so easy.

Lord Hood: [at the end of the game] For us, the storm has passed. The war is over. And let us never forget those who journeyed into the howling dark, and did not return. For their decision required courage beyond measure. Sacrifice, an unshakeable conviction that their fight... *our* fight... was elsewhere. As we start to rebuild, this hillside will remain barren, a memorial to heroes fallen. They enobled all of us, and they shall not be forgotten.

[salutes the Marines]

Marine Sargent 1: Present arms!

[Marines draw Battle Rifles and fire a 21 bullet salute]

Lord Hood: [later] I remember how this war started, what your kind did to mine. I can't forgive you, but you have my thanks...

[shakes the Arbiter's hand]

Lord Hood: ... for standing by him to the end. Hard to believe he's dead...

Arbiter: Were it... so easy...

Cortana: Keep your head down, there's two of us in here now. Remember?

Cortana: You found me.

Cortana: But so much of me is wrong - out of place. You might be too late.

Master Chief: You know me. When I make a promise...

Cortana: ...you keep it. I do know how to pick 'em.

Master Chief: Lucky me.

Arbiter: [seeing the damaged, Flood-infested Covenant ship crash-land] What is it, more Brutes?

Master Chief: Worse.

Gravemind: Child of my enemy, why have you come? I offer no forgiveness for father's sins cast to his son.

Cortana: You know they let me pick? Did I ever tell you that? Choose whichever Spartan I wanted.

Marine: [while in a Scorpion after a Ghost is taken out] Tank beats Ghost!

Marine: [Hunters are taken out] Tank beats Hunter!

Marine: [Covenant drop ship explodes] Tank beats *everything*!

Arbiter: We must go. The Brutes have our scent.

Sergeant Johnson: Then they must love the smell of Bulgari. Yeah that's right I'm doing a little bit of product placement, I gotta make a living too you know?

Marine: [Master Chief is lying motionless on his back in his own crater, hands still raised as if he were still in combat] His armor's locked up. Gel layer could have taken most of the impact.

[pauses]

Marine: I don't know Sergeant Major.

Sergeant Johnson: [he kneels over the Chief, looking for signs of life] Radio for VTOL. Heavy lift gear. We're not leaving him here.

Master Chief: [grabs Johnson's arm] Yeah, you're not.

[pulls himself up]

Sergeant Johnson: Crazy fool. Why do you always jump? Someday you're gonna land on someone as stubborn as you, and i don't do bits and pieces.

Gravemind: Do not be afraid. I am peace; I am salvation.

Gravemind: Time has taught me PATIENCE! But basking in new freedom, I WILL KNOW ALL THAT I POSSESS!

Gravemind: You WILL! show me what she hides! Or I shall feast upon your BONES!

Gravemind: [roars] Now, At last I see, her secret is REVEALED!

Gravemind: Do I take life or give it? Who is victim, and who is foe?

Cortana: Don't make a girl a promise... If you know you can't keep it.

Marines: Squad leaders are requesting a rally point, Ma'am. Where should they go?

Commander Miranda Keyes: [loads her pistol] To war.

[First Lines]

Cortana: They let me pick. Did I ever tell you that? Choose which ever Spartan I wanted. You know me. I did my research, watched as you became the soldier we needed you to be. But you had something they didn't, something no one saw but me. Can you guess? Luck.

Cortana: Halo, it's over.

Master Chief: It's over.

Cortana: It' been an honor serving with you, John.

[In Crow's Nest, a soldier walks up to a locked Hangar Door]

Pvt. Leonard L. Church: Hey!

Pvt. Leonard L. Church: [knocking] Open up!

Pvt. Michael J. Caboose: What's the password?

Pvt. Leonard L. Church: Password? Oh man, I forgot.

Pvt. Michael J. Caboose: "Forgot" what?

Pvt. Leonard L. Church: I forgot the password.

Pvt. Michael J. Caboose: That was almost right. Uh, see, the password *begins* with, "I forgot," but ends differently. Um, try again.

Pvt. Leonard L. Church: No. I mean, I forgot the password.

Pvt. Michael J. Caboose: No, OK, see, you- you got it wrong again. See, you said the same thing as last time.

Pvt. Leonard L. Church: I'm bein' serious! I don't know the password!

Pvt. Michael J. Caboose: No no no. See, you changed the first part. See, that- that was the right part. See now you've got the whole thing wrong!

Pvt. Leonard L. Church: No! I forgot what the password is, and I just need you to open the door!

Pvt. Michael J. Caboose: All right, come on man, now you're just guessing!

Pvt. Leonard L. Church: [knocks four times, repeats endlessly]

Marine #2: I heard their main weakness is bananas!

Marine #2: Do we have any bananas?

Brute: [incredulous] Where did he get a hammer?

Brute Chieftain: Open up his can; I want to eat him when he's fresh.

[Dean falls on top of Sam as they sneak through a half open window]

Dean Winchester: Oh, sorry!

Sam Winchester: OK, be quiet.

Dean Winchester: Me be quiet? You be quiet!

Dean Winchester: I hope your apple pie is freakin' worth it!

Dean Winchester: Ugh, the thought of him driving my car.

Sam Winchester: Oh, come on.

Dean Winchester: It's killing me!

Sam Winchester: Let it go.

Sam Winchester: Dean, there's ten times as much lore about angels as there is about anything else we've ever hunted.

Dean Winchester: You know what, there's a ton of lore on unicorns too. In fact, I hear that they ride on silver moonbeams, and that they shoot rainbows out of their ass!

Sam Winchester: Wait, there's no such thing as unicorns?

Dean Winchester: [Looking at the haunted hotel] We might even run into Fred and Daphne inside. Mmmm... Daphne. Love her.

Dean Winchester: Come on man. I know Sam, ok? Better than anyone. He's got more of a conscience than I do. I mean the guy feels guilty searching the internet for porn.

Dean Winchester: I'm not gonna die in a hospital where the nurses aren't even hot.

Dean Winchester: We know a little about a lot of things; just enough to make us dangerous.

Dean Winchester: [Sam points to a word carved into a telephone pole] Croatoan?

Sam Winchester: Yeah.

[Dean stares blankly]

Sam Winchester: Roanoke... lost colony... ring a bell? Dean, did you pay any attention in history class?

Dean Winchester: Yeah. Shot heard 'round the world, how bills become laws...

Sam Winchester: That's not school; that's schoolhouse rock!

Dean Winchester: Ya' know she could be faking.

Sam Winchester: Yeah, what do you wanna do, poke her with a stick?

[Dean nods]

Sam Winchester: Dude, you're not gonna poke her with a stick?

Dean Winchester: Damn cops.

Sam Winchester: They were just doing their job.

Dean Winchester: No, they were doing our job, only they don't know it so they suck at it.

Dean Winchester: [after a nice cop says okie dokie] I like him, he says okie dokie.

Sam Winchester: Dude, I'm not enabling your sick habit. You're like one of those lab rats that pushes the pleasure button instead of the food button until it dies.

Dean Winchester: What are you talking about, I eat.

Dean Winchester: What's a P.A.?

Sam Winchester: I think it's kinda like a slave.

McG: Marty, what do you think?

Martin: Not married to salt, what do you want? still sticking with condiments?

McG: Just sounds different, not better. What else would a ghost be scared of?

Walter Dixon: Aww, ya gotta be kidding me.

Martin: [Aside] What would a ghost be scared of?

[to McG]

Martin: Maybe shotguns.

McG: K, that makes even less sense than salt.

Sam Winchester: Why'd you let me fall asleep?

Dean Winchester: Because I am an awesome brother. What did you dream about?

Sam Winchester: Lollipops and candycanes.

Dean Winchester: This looks like a zombie pen, Sammy.

Sam Winchester: Well, before we go stabbing things into Cooper, we're gonna wanna make damn sure it's him.

Dean Winchester: You're such a stickler for details, Sammy.

Bobby Singer: You Idgets!

Sam Winchester: Bon Jovi?

Dean Winchester: Bon Jovi rocks... on occasion.

[repeated line]

Bobby Singer: Balls!

Jak: Where would you be without me, eh Dax?

Daxter: Well, I probably wouldn't be 2 feet tall, fuzzy, and running in a sewer without any pants... God, I miss pants.

Krew: While smuggling the huge statue through the sewers, 'ey, a grueling rainstorm flooded the whole place. The statue and five of my best men were swept away.

Jak: That's terrible.

Krew: Yes, a tragic loss. I've missed that statue ever since.

Pecker: I am Pecker! Yes, yes, I know, my mother, she was... very vindictive.

Pecker: Onin welcomes you, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah... the usual boring salutations. She says it is good to see you again, Jak.

Jak: But we've never met before.

Pecker: Before... after... it is all the same.

Daxter: Oh! Oh! Let me try! Aaah... she wants a... She wants a yakow bone! A yakow bladder! No... no... I got it! For many moons... she has... waited for... a juice pop? A jewel shop? Oh... oh... I know, she's got a hairball? A hair lip? A hairy chest?

[Krew is telling Jak to enter a big race]

Krew: Uh, and your contract, with just a few trifles for me. I've ah, already signed your name to save time, mmmmmnn.

[Daxter grabs the contract and starts reading quickly]

Daxter: We the racers hereby agree to give Krew all proceeds from race earnings, endorsement fees, broadcast royalties, syndications residuals, vehicle sponsorships, mall appearance fees, collectible card assets, fast-food tie-ins, use of likeness rights, talk show deals, clothing lines, all print rights including book, novella, comic, pamphlet, tickertape, neon sign and bathroom graffiti designs,

[inhales deeply]

Daxter: toy rights, shoe lines, mood rings, game rights.

[Daxter stops and looks at the camera]

Daxter: GAME RIGHTS?

[Daxter looks back at the contract]

Daxter: Vitamin endorsements, city kickbacks, movie deals, and of course, all death and dismemberment accident insurance claims.

Krew: Heh heh heh... we can work out the tiny details later.

[after Krew gives Jak a mission in the sewers]

Jak: Great, more mucking in the mud...

Daxter: I hate to burst your bathtub bubbles baby, but that ain't just mud down there.

Daxter: So there I was, toe to toe with FIVE of the nastiest Metal Heads you ever saw! Slime oozing from monstrous jaws! Teeth sharper than daggers! Slowly, all TEN of 'em surround me. But do I surrender? No! I summon my highly trained killer instincts, and pounce! Hya! Chooy! Whaa! HAA! And when the dust cleared, there were TWENTY less Metal Heads in the world!

Tess: Ohhh, Daxter you're amazing!

Daxter: Yeah, I know.

Daxter: [to Krew about job] Let me guess. Dark, murky water? Smells worse than your breath at an oyster fest? Fuller o' Metal Heads than your plate at a one-pass buffet? And of course, weapons more lethal than your ever so "tighty wighties" on a hot summer day?

Jak: We're not doing anything until you tell us why the Baron is giving eco to the Metal Heads?

Krew: [angry] I should have you both knee-capped, ay?

Krew: What is that awful smell?

Daxter: Great! We do your dirty work, and end up smelling worse than a wet hip hog in a warm barn.

Krew: No, I think it was my lunch, actually.

Jak: Kor! What's going on?

Kor: I'm sure you know! Deep down in your darkest nightmares! We've met before, remember.

[to Praxis]

Kor: Everything is going exactly as planned.

Daxter: [as Kor transforms] Jak! It's the metal head leader!

Kor: Now you see! Without the shield walls corrupting my powers inside the city, I am my full potential now! So for the last time, give me the Precursor Stone!

Baron Praxis: If the city must die, then we all die!

[first lines]

Samos the Sage: For every age there is a time of trial. The rocks faced such a fire before they were the strength beneath our feet. The plants braved vast winds before their roots could give us life. As a sage of considerable years, I have known only one such great ordeal. Yet the hero it created was a champion of all time.

Daxter: Hey, Tattooed Wonder, how come we get all the crappy missions?

Torn: Because I... don't... like... you!

Vin: Oh, friendlies? Oh, thank goodness! We... so... whe... where's the army?

Daxter: Ah... we're it.

Vin: What? Just you two?What do they think I'm worth?

Jak: I'm beginning to wonder that myself.

Jinx: You hear that?

Mog: Sounds like I got gas.

Baron Praxis: You are the supreme weapon, Jak. And I made you. Still... any leader worth his salt always has a back-up plan.

[he presses a button, revealing a bomb]

Baron Praxis: Remember, the first rule to making a bomb... is to always make two...

[he dies]

Erol: You're the talk of the town, Jak; you give the people hope. How pathetic! I would've enjoyed killing you in prison, but now, it'll be so much more fun to take you on the track, in front of the entire city! I can hear the roar of the crowd now, as everyone sees their hope die.

Ashelin: Who the hell are you two?

Daxter: Mmm, I do love a woman in uniform. Wanna bark some orders at me? Woof woof! I'm your soldier on the front lines of love! Waiter, foxhole for two!

Ashelin: Keep talking and I'll raise your voice a couple of octaves.

Sig: You know, my momma used to read me bedtime stories about Mar when she'd tuck me in. She'd give me a nice glass of warm yakow milk... and my little Poopsy bear.

Daxter: Bedtime stories? Warm milk? Poopsy bear? Buddy, ya just blew yer image!

Keira: Erol's the best racer I've ever seen.

Jak: He's not what you think.

Keira: And you're a good judge of character? Ha! Look at you. People say you get angry and... change. Besides, the Jak I knew wouldn't be working for a guy like Krew.

Jak: I need Krew's connections to fight the Baron. Without my... You know what? Do it your way, and I'll do it mine. Just don't come crying to me when the walls fall down!

[his last line]

Erol: I win, Jak!

Baron Praxis: I've told you, I will have more eco by week's end. We'll transport it directly to your nest, as promised!

Kor: A deal is of no value if you can't deliver, my dear Baron. I grow impatient with your puny gestures. Give me the agreed upon eco soon, or the deal is off, and your precious city will pay the price!

[his hologram vanishes]

Erol: He's toying with us! Let me lead an assault on the Nest before it's too late! I can take him!

Baron Praxis: Patience, commander. No one has ever penetrated the Metal Head Nest. You know that! I've seen what comes of such foolish plans.

[he strokes the ruined side of his face]

Baron Praxis: No! Strength is their weakness... We play helpless... We train them to eat from our hands, and then... Move forward with the plan! Tell Ashelin to up her patrols. I want that Tomb found!

Erol: But your daughter has not been... agreeable.

Baron Praxis: Agggg... I'll see to that problem. One way or another.

Jak: [aside] Ashelin is the Baron's daughter?

Baron Praxis: And find that child! If you'd spend half as much time looking for that little brat as you spend flirting with that mechanic girl, we would have pinned his royal ass to a wall long ago!

Baron Praxis: [over his intercom] Fear not the men in red. Sure there are occasional complaints, about their over-aggressive policing, wanton destruction of people's property during raids, mass arrest, misplaced loved ones and whatnot. Hey, we're only human! Running a city can be tougher than it looks. Imagine how much worse it would be if the Metal Heads were in charge.

Samos the Sage: Today's the big day, Jak. I hope you are prepared, for whatever happens.

Keira: I think I figured out most of this machine. It interacts somehow with that large Precursor Ring. I just hope we didn't break anything moving it here to the lab.

Daxter: Easy for you to say! We did all the heavy lifting!

Computer Voice: Dark Eco injection cycle complete. Bio readings nominal and unchanged.

Baron Praxis: Hhhppp. Nothing! I was informed that this one might be different!

Erol: He is surprisingly resistant to your 'experiments' Baron Praxis. I fear the Dark Warrior program has failed.

Baron Praxis: Aaaagh!

[to Jak]

Baron Praxis: You should at least be dead with all the Dark Eco I've pumped into you!

Erol: What now? Metal Head armies are pressing their attacks. Without a new weapon, my men cannot hold them off forever!

Baron Praxis: Aaggh, I will not be remembered as the man who lost this city to those vile creatures! Move forward with the final plan! And finish off this 'thing' tonight!

Erol: As you wish.

[leans towards Jak]

Erol: I'll be back later...

Kor: Hello strangers. My name is Kor. May I help...

Jak: You look like a reasonably smart man. I want information! Where the Hell am I?

Daxter: Aaah... sorry! He's new to the whole conversation thing.

Kor: Well, my angry young friend, you are a 'guest' of his 'majesty' Baron Praxis, the ruler of 'glorious' Haven City.

Jak: I was just a 'guest' in the good Baron's prison.

Kor: Inside a cell or inside the city... walls surround us both. We are all his prisoners.

[Krimzon Guards approach]

Kor: Talk about being in the wrong place at the wrong time. I'd move on if I were you.

Krimzon Guard: By order of his eminence, the Grand Protector of Haven City, Baron Praxis, everyone in this section is hereby under arrest for suspicion of harboring underground fugitives. Surrender and die!

Daxter: Aaah, excuse me sir, don't you mean surrender, OR DIE?

Kor: Not in this city! Protect us from these guards, and I'll introduce you to someone who could help you!

Daxter: Don't say it. Don't even chuckle! Next time, *you* turn the valve.

Daxter: This place has too much excitement. We need to move back to the country!

Krew: You boys are turning out to be quite useful, ey? Mmm, I have another task for you. The Sewers used to be a fabulous smuggling route for me before the Baron installed security devices.

Daxter: And before those late night snack runs kept you from fitting out the front door.

Daxter: Is that... Is that... No, it couldn't be... that's not...

Jak: It's Samos's Hut.

Daxter: But... What?... How?... When?... Where?... Why?

Jak: We're in the future, Dax... This... horrible place... is... our... world!

Pecker: Behold! The Seal of Mar is now complete. Onin says the three artifacts you've retrieved from the Mountain Temple... arrrrk... are relics from an ancient Light Tower. Old songs tell how this light tower once shined down on the actual site of Mar's tomb! I sing one of these songs for you.

[singing, badly]

Pecker: "From the mists of time, Mar's light would shine..."

Jak: Whoa there iron lungs! Just tell us what we need to do.

Pecker: Cretins with no taste, huh?

Samos the Sage: Good work, Jak! And... Daxter, I suppose. Before we came through the rift long ago, I was nurturing that Life Seed from the Great Tree. It seems the Metal Heads are attracted to its power. Take the seed to Onin now. She will prepare it for Samos.

Daxter: You mean you?

Samos the Sage: No, the other me, Daxter? My younger self needs the seed's power to become... sagely.

Daxter: So... let me get this straight. It's fair to say that by bringing your younger self the life seed now, we helped you become the sage you are today? We helped you get your powers in the first place. And you never thanked us?

Samos the Sage: Thank you Daxter... now go do it!

Pecker: Listen tiny tail, I was leading my hundredth flock south before you had fur one between your legs! Not that your fur means anything!

Daxter: At least I'm not some over stuffed, over yappin', feather dusty mouthpiece for the world's oldest professional! Jak says, 'have a nice day.' Jak says, 'I can't think on my own.' Jak says 'Go bite yourself!'

Pecker: That's it, rat boy! Now you've really pissed me off!

Daxter: If I had the Precursor Stone, with all that power, I'd use it to build a giant palace. A palace with the biggest harem of women the world has ever known, and there'd be a swimming pool filled to the brim with chocolate... slightly minty... yeah, yeah, a massive pool of gooey chocolate! Then the girls and I would jump in together...

Brutter: Now Metal Heads find hidden Lurker village in caves! They bite, and hurt village real bad, and we Lurker brothers trapped like animals!

Daxter: Ah, hello, they are animals.

Brutter: We no longer evil-lurking, bad-to-bones, orangey boy! We good now. Metal Headers are bad. They is enemies.

Jak: Yeah, I guess we're all in the same boat now.

Daxter: And the ship is sinking fast, brother.

Brutter: Please, save six Lurker brothers quick, and Brutter will kiss you foots!

Krew: I knew you were special when I first met you Jak, and I commend you for making it this far. We've come a long way, 'ey?

Jak: Yeah. I'm getting real teary-eyed.

Krew: I love weapons. I love how they look... how they feel... even how they smell...

Jak: I think you need serious help.

Krew: My favorite was the impossibly powerful weapon Mar built to blast open the Metal Head nest. Poor fool died before he could use it, ahh well. But I have a new favorite. The Piercer Bomb I've just completed. My masterpiece is powerful enough to crack open the Precursor Stone, and release the untold energy inside! As soon as the Baron shows up with the Stone, we'll hide it in the last shipment of Eco and deliver it to the Metal Head nest. A surprise dessert, 'ey? Hee hee hmmm... Just take this gun upgrade and forget what you saw here.

Jak: Not this time, Krew! I'm through being your hired gun!

Krew: Then it's war, isn't it?

Sig: Looks like we finally lost 'em, chili peppers! Piece of cake, huh? Now you boys are real Wastelanders! I say it's time we take this fight to the Metal Head leader himself! What a trophy he'd make! We find a way to juice up Mar's ol' gun, and then boom baby, we storm the nest, guns blazing! Hell! We'll take 'em all on, together! You and me! Side by side! Nothin'll stop us 'cause we're...

[a large metal head crushes him]

Brutter: Lurker balloons are finest lifters in the world, but they is easy target.

Jak: Right. You guys get the Rift Rider to the nest. I'll stay and defend your take-off and get away.

Daxter: Once again, being your friend SUCKS! I wanna go on the balloon!

Kor: Finally, you've decided to join us and you brought the Precursor Stone. Good. The boy will now play his final part.

Jak: Not this time.

Kor: Oh, but this child is such a part of this! Such a part of you! Don't you recognize him? The boy is you, Jak! And this place... this is where you began, in the future!

Jak: But how...?

Kor: You were hidden in the past on the hope that you would gain the skills to face me today. But Onin was wrong! Now that you've been altered with Dark Eco, the stone will never open for you. Your younger self, however, still has the pure gift! He alone can awaken the Stone and the Precursor entity, which sleeps inside!

Jak: This stone is a Precursor?

Kor: The last Precursor egg! Mar was clever. He covered his tracks well through time, hiding his last egg from me, and building the shield and city to defend it! It has been a long siege. But today, I will finally feed on the last Precursor Life Force!

Daxter: Ah, I think you're forgetting one little thing, Metalo-Maniac! We've got the Precursor Stone!

Kor: Not for long!

Precursor: It is finished... Our ancient enemy is no more. Take hope brave one! The terrible darkness inside you is now balanced by a glorious light! We will meet again...

Krimzon Guard 1#: I like the new armor!

Krimzon Guard 2#: Yeah me too... more comfort in the crotch.

Baron Praxis: [over loudspeaker] We've had a few... incidents with our lower-class labor force lately. If your Lurker is acting up, call Krimzon Animal Control. Is your Lurker in a tree? Stuck in a sewer grate? Foaming at the mouth? Call the friendly officers of the K.A.C., and they will deal with your furry slave with all the love and care it deserves.

Daxter: You want a perch?

[gives an insulting hand gesture to Pecker]

Daxter: Twirl on it!

Pecker: Ok, now you've *really* pissed me off!

Pecker: Greetings, brave fighters! The one, the only, the greatest highness of all highnesses, the magnificent, eminently...

Damas: Enough. Just get on with it.

Pecker: Sorry, I got a bit carried away. Did I mention how fabulous your hair looks?

Damas: Pecker!

Oracle: You will need all the power you can muster to survive this terrible test, great one.

Daxter: I can handle it.

Oracle: I was talking to the tall one... shorty!

Cyber-Erol: I've found some new friends to help me conquer this puny little planet.

Jak: You're talking to the Dark Makers?

Cyber-Erol: It seems my digital self can communicate with these poor tortured minds quite well. Oh, they're just like you and me, Jak. Well... me at least. They want a home, someone to call a friend, destruction of all Light Eco! They've volunteered to help me put this puny planet out of its misery. Ha ha ha ha ha haa...

Jak: You're in for a big surprise. The Dark Makers don't play nicely with others. Just ask the Metal Heads.

Cyber-Erol: I've been given the chance to wield a power even the Precursors could not control. Don't fret. You won't live to see what I turn this little world into. Maybe a rock, or a floating puddle of slag, or nothing at all. Complete oblivion! So hard to choose.

Samos The Sage: Nice moves, my boy. You're the best man we've got to lead an expedition into the catacombs.

Count Veger: Please, please... let us not be too hasty. Are you sure you want this dark eco freak contaminating the hallowed halls of our glorious Precursors? I should lead the expedition myself.

Ashelin: We're tired of your scheming Veger.

Count Veger: I've got the answer you're looking for. My Precursor Monks have given me the knowledge to turn on the planetary defence grid. If you beg me to do so...

Keira: Jak's always gotten us through thick and thin, I'm with him.

Samos The Sage: Here here!

Daxter: You're washed up, Vegan.

Count Veger: Veger! It's Veger! You idiot!

Daxter: Whatever!

Ashelin: Count Veger, I hereby dissolve the City Council and strip you of your title, command, and all privileges. Now get out of my sight.

Count Veger: What? How dare you! I offered you mercy, but now you will all burn in the Precursor fires of creation! I swear it!

Kleiver: Care to wager a little somethin' on a race, then? If you win, I'll let you keep that little vehicle for as long as you live. And if I win?

Jak: I don't have anything.

Kleiver: I'd say that yappy rodent of yours is a bit bony, but skinned and buttered he'd make a nice treat. My vehicle against him.

Daxter: Forget it buddy! Jak would never...

Jak: Done.

Tess: Daxter! My hero! Ahh! This city is too dangerous. We need our own little place in the country... a little pink house... with a white picket fence... and a fireplace... and a big four poster bed for me... and a little Ottsel run on the side of the house for you.

Baron Praxis: Games? Games are for wimps! Get out in the real world! It's called the sun!

Daxter: Torn? What are you doing to my place?

Torn: We needed a southern HQ for the war. Plus, I kinda like the sign with the Ottsel Head outside.

Daxter: Yeah... it's cool, huh?

Torn: We use it for target practise.

Daxter: Hey!

Count Veger: The monks told me you were coming through the Precursor sub-rails. Interesting aren't they? The Precursors used them to build the world countless eons ago. The rail system leads deep into the planet where it's said the ancient ones wait to bestow unimaginable powers upon the worthy. I will save the world with that power, just as Mar did!

Jak: Yeah, you've done a great job so far, letting the Metal Heads destroy the palace.

Count Veger: Oh, you couldn't be more mistaken, dear boy. We're on a time clock, Jak! That light in the sky. Do you know what it is? Our nightmare has found us and the end is coming! I needed quick access to the catacombs below, so I attacked the palace myself! It will be our little secret.

Jak: Well, you're full of surprises.

Count Veger: And you're full of Dark Eco! You and your rat are an abomination! But I will rid the planet of this scourge soon enough. Pure light will rule the universe, and I will be the bright light that shines to every corner of the world and destroys all shadows!

Daxter: Ah, excuse me Count Vulgar...

Count Veger: It's Veger!

Daxter: Yeah, whatever. Isn't it kinda nice to just curl up in the shade sometimes? Just chillin it... watching the hot babes prancing around in their skimpy little bikinis. Ya know, how they just jiggle. I get that special tingling feeling in my tail.

Count Veger: Enough! We will start the cleansing of the world with your demise! Behold! I now command the very power of the ancient ones! And this time, the Precursors will not have mercy on you.

Damas: Well, you've come back from the dead have you? And my monks were ready to pray for you. I am Damas, King of Spargus.

Jak: Spargus? Wait, nobody lives outside Haven's walls... not a whole city.

Damas: Ahh yes... we ARE the forgotten ones. Haven City's refuse, thrown out and left to die. Just as you were. But now that you have been saved, your life belongs to the people of Spargus. And we will use it well. If it's actually worth anything.

Daxter: Hey! That sounds like a bad deal!

Damas: You are in no position to "deal." Out here everything is either useful or dead weight. Prove yourselves worthy, or the desert will be your grave.

Jak: You need to work on making a better first impression.

Damas: Ha ha ha! In the unforgiving Wasteland we value strength and survival above all. We will see where you stand soon enough. Complete your training, then enter the arena. Just the bravest crawl out and are allowed to stay in Spargus. It's quite simple really.

Daxter: Um, what happens to the ones that don't crawl out?

Damas: Then it will be as if we never found you.

Daxter: I was afraid of that.

Daxter: Hey, I'm the real hero here. You can call me... Orange Lightning. Zazaziing!

Kleiver: Well if it isn't the newbies.

Daxter: Keep yappin' jelly boy, we'll see who...

Kleiver: Bite ya bum, rat face, or I'll pound ya!

Daxter: Uurgh... Great stink of the Precursors. I got two words for ya... tooth brush!

Daxter: If you moved that fast a long time ago, I'd still be wearing pants. You know what I really miss? Soft underpants. You know how it lifts and cradles... Ahhh... You wouldn't understand. We're outta here!

Count Veger: I want no excuses! You told me this could be done. Now make it so!

Seem: But we have so little time. The Day Star approaches! You know what it brings.

Count Veger: Unfortunate, yes, we will deal with that as soon as I have full access to the catacombs. Just continue your work, and I'll deal with those idiots in Haven. I promise you, you will meet your makers!

Ashelin: Jak, your friends need you. I need you.

Jak: The city threw me out, remember? They can rot for all I care.

Ashelin: But what about your...

Jak: Forget it! Just leave! I have new friends now.

Ashelin: So the hero I knew did die in the desert, or was it long before that? Don't you remember who you are?

Jak: I'm through saving the world.

Tess: Daxter! You're back! Oooo... did that mean old desert burn your itty bitty paws?

[she hugs him]

Daxter: Hey Tess, baby. Don't crusha-the-merchandise. How's biz?

Tess: I'm designing new guns to help out the war effort.

Jak: You make guns now?

Tess: Yeah... I just finished this new gun. It sports a multi-port, large-bore, gyro-burst launcher with blowback breech assist, using full-jacket, eco-depleted, armour-piercing slugs, and a continous kill zone scanner for tight groupings at a high-cycle rate of fire.

[pause]

Tess: Hee hee... it's a hobby.

Jak: [Damas lies crushed beneath a car] Damas!

Damas: Not bad driving... kid. It was a good fight... and a good day to die. I'm very proud to have been by your side in the end... This world is not yet out of heroes...

Jak: We did well together. Don't move I'll...

Jak: Please promise me one thing. Promise me you'll find my son, Mar. You'll know him when you see this...

[he hands him the seal of Mar]

Jak: he's wearing an amulet just like it.

[Jak remmebers his younger self wearing the same amulet]

Jak: A symbol of our lineage with the great house of Mar... Save the people, Jak. They need you...

[he dies]

Jak: Father...

Count Veger: Yes, you were that child. I took you from Damas, hoping to harness your eco powers for my experiments. Then I lost you to the Underground. You seem upset. Did I tell you too late? You were the son of the great warrior Damas. Oh... and he never knew... how delightful.

Jak: Aaaagghh! VEGER!

Count Veger: Thank you for opening the door to the Precursors. Don't worry, I'll be back to put you out of your misery.

Daxter: After him, Jak!

Jak: You're willing to go down there? Without a fuss this time?

Daxter: Yeah, well don't get used to it. It's just that nobody hurts my best friend and lives to brag about it. Let's get him!

Ashelin: Jak, your friends need you. I need you.

Jak: The city threw me out, remember? They can rot for all I care.

Ashelin: But what about your...

Jak: Forget it! Just leave! I have new friends now.

Ashelin: So the hero I knew did die in the desert or was it long before that? Don't you remember who you are?

Jak: I'm through saving the world.

Tess: Not bad shooting Jak... for a guy. Now, I want you to protect my little baby with this... or else I'll hunt you down and hurt you REAL bad. Okay? Hee hee.

Daxter: Wow! I didn't know you had so much... rrawrr!

Damas: Keeping people alive out here, keeping them full of hope, it can be daunting.

Jak: I'd say you've made a good life here.

Damas: You too must make a life, Jak. Take your destiny into your own hands. Look... sand cannot keep a shape by itself, but add water and it becomes malleable. Fate can be such, if you add the right element.

Jak: Eco!

Damas: Our minds think alike. My monks say the world is coming to an end, but I am a survivor. I say we live on long after this world dies! Be ready. You are shaping up to be one of my finest warriors, and I'll need you for the trials ahead. I mustn't lose you... like I lost my son.

Jak: You had a child?

Damas: Long ago, but much has been sacrificed in this war so that others could live. Anyway, it matters not. We're having serious trouble with marauders lately. I want you to take a vehicle and hunt down their warrior patrols. Go, and make war your own!

Oracle: We Precursors built many worlds across the universe. Shaping them with eco into something good... but we were foolish. The Dark Makers were once Precursors, but their exposure to Dark Eco changed them. They began twisting worlds, conquering life and dark ages ensued. Now the dark ones have found your world and are coming to claim it for themselves.

Daxter: Well that could ruin your whole day!

Jak: I think this one's bigger than both of us.

Oracle: There is but one hope left. You will find a planetary defence system hidden deep at the core of the planet. There is still a chance to save your world. I hope you are more successful than many planets whose fate has already been closed.

Daxter: Ah, remember this place? I sure miss good ol' Vin.

Jak: Yeah, he was a good guy. A bit crazy.

Vin: [Vin's hologram appears] Hey! Who you calling crazy? I can't help it if the world is out to get me!

Daxter: Vin! Wait a minute? Is that you?

Vin: Yeah, it's me. Well, actually no it's not. I'm a multi-layered hyper linking digi-memoc-bio-construct-super-clocked-mega-memory-construct, baby!

Daxter: Did you understand a word he said?

Interviewer: And what about this, Gnasty Gnorc character? Now, I understand he's found a magic spell to turn gems into warriors for his cause.

Lindar: I'll take that question. Gnasty Gnorc, is a simple creature.

Gnasty Gnorc: Simple!

Lindar: He's been contained in a remote world, and is no threat to the dragon kingdom

Gnasty Gnorc: No threat?

Lindar: And plus, he is ugly!

Gnasty Gnorc: Ugly? That does it!

[Gnasty freezes the dragons]

Spyro the Dragon: Look's like I've got some things to do!

Maximos: Incredible glide, Spyro. I thought I'd be stuck in here forever with those ugly vultures standing on my head. Those birds might look tough but they are pretty tasty, flamed in oil, a bit of salt...

Lateef the Dream Weaver: Keep up the good work, Spyro. I expect Gnasty's really starting to worry about you.

Spyro the Dragon: I'd be shaking in my Gnorc-boots if I were him.

Astor: After you have freed all the dragons, pass to this fancy vortex, euh, thing-a-mah-jigger. It will take you back to the Artisans world. First let me tell you a story.

Spyro the Dragon: No thanks, see ya.

[repeated line]

Dragons: Thank you for releasing me!

Tomas: Hey, Spyro, press the jump button twice to glide. And, and don't be afraid.

Spyro the Dragon: Afraid? Of what?

Tomas: Falling from high mountain peaks, plummeting into prehistoric glaciers...

Spyro the Dragon: Oh... that.

Cleetus: Spyro, it's great to see you; but I've got to go.

Spyro the Dragon: So, what are you, some sort of Goat?

Elora the Faun: I'm a faun, you dork!

Ripto: You bought a dragon to Avalar? I hate dragons!

[first lines]

Spyro the Dragon: Is this rain ever gonna stop? I've forgotten what the sun looks like. We should go on vacation! Somewhere warm... somewhere sunny... Dragon Shores! Yeah! I haven't been there since we kicked Gnasty Gnorcs butt! How about it Sparx, you up for a vacation at the beach?

[they run towards the portal]

Spyro the Dragon: Last one there is a Gnorc!

Ripto: Noooo! Crush! You may have been able to defeat that simpleton, but Gulp will be more than a match for you!

Spyro the Dragon: Bring it on, shorty!

Ripto: Gya! Naaaaaaah! Gulp, come here now! Destroy him, and make *sure* it's painful!

Bombo the Flagkeeper: Ha, you won't beat me, dragon!

Hunter: [after Elora tells Spyro about collecting the talismans] Hey, I can do that! Why don't you let me do that and have Spyro just torch Ripto?

Elora the Faun: Hunter, you can't even keep track of your running shoes. How can we trust you with fourteen talismans?

Sir Moneybags: You'll have to pay up sooner or later, it's the only way across. I have to look after my... err Avalar's financial well being. You know.

Spyro the Dragon: Hey stop staring! Haven't you ever seen a dragon before?

Hunter: You're a dragon?

Spyro the Dragon: You got a problem with that, pussycat?

Sir Moneybags: Hmph! That Ripto has caused enough damage! All his meddling has cost me a fortune. If it wasn't for Spyro I'd be bankrupt! If Ripto were here, I'd give him a peace of my mind.

[Ripto and Gulp appear behind him]

Sir Moneybags: In fact, I'd give him a lot more than that! I was a champion bantumweight boxer in University, and I still know a few moves. Take that!

[punches]

Sir Moneybags: And that!

[turns around]

Ripto: Boo.

Sir Moneybags: Why you... you... yaaaaaargh!

[he screams and falls to the ground]

Ripto: You singed my cape! Dragon, you are really starting to get on my nerves!

Sir Moneybags: Legend has it that there is a portal to Zephyr here. And legend also has it that I know how to activate it. Furthermore, as I recall, the legend mentions something about me activating it for... a small fee.

Hunter: (on Bianca) Hey, is it just me or is she kinda cute when she's angry?

Moneybags: Spyro! You're just in luck! I just saw two thieves run through this door! Well... actually they paid me to guard their hideout, but that's irrelevant.

Moneybags: Heh heh... what a sucker... err, that is... It's a far, far better thing you do today, Spyro, than you have ever done, and... err... well so forth, et cetera, you get the idea.

Shui the Panda: Would you like to try some bamboo? It's very delicious!

[about Bianca]

Hunter: You know, she's kind of cute when she's angry!

Smelt the Seal: You have a lot of talent for someone so purple!

Moneybags: Behind this door is the single greatest show on Earth! That's right! Ice dancing!

Moneybags: What are you saving your money for, another sequel?

[first lines]

Bianca: We managed to capture the eggs your highness. Every one.

The Sorceress: Excellent. Perhaps you will amount to something after all. Now go back to the tunnels, stop anyone from coming through!

Moneybags: I hope you appreciate this favour I'm doing in letting you out.

Sheila the Kangaroo: That's decent of you mate. No had feelings right?

Moneybags: Right. After all, I'm just doing my jo...

[Sheila kicks him]

Spyro the Dragon: [about Byrd's rocket launchers] Why didn't you use them to escape?

Sergeant James Byrd: Err... I have limited ammo and I wanted to preserve it... for this

[he blasts Moneybags]

Moneybags: Yes

[coughs]

Moneybags: after all, it was I who let you out.

Bentley the Yeti: Why you brazenly avaricious, duplicitous larcenous ursine.

Moneybags: Now hold on.

[Bentley strikes Moneybags repeatedly]

Moneybags: Don't worry, Spyro, I won't be needing anymore of your money... Now, now, don't look so surprised! I found one of the dragon eggs, and I'm going to sell it for a fortune back in Avalar. Errr... uh-oh... why are you looking at me like that? I... err... heh heh... I - I've got to be going now... Toodles!

The Professor: Maybe my coordinate tables are out of date...

Spyro the Dragon: By a thousand years!

The Professor: That would explain why the book was so cheap...

Moneybags: ...pant pant... Drat!... pant pant... Double drat!... pant pant... Drat drat drat drat drat drat drat drat drat!... pant pant... I never knew dragons were so fast!... That's it, I give up! I'm retiring to Spooky Swamp to become a haiku poet.

Commander Adam Malkovich: [after giving orders to Samus] Any objections, lady?

Samus Aran: [narrating] My past is not a memory. It's a force at my back. It pushes and steers. I may not always like where it leads me, but like any story, the past needs resolution. What's past is prologue.

Samus Aran: [opening cutscene, before defeating Mother Brain] Mother!... Time to go.

Anthony Higgs: [recognizing Samus from when they worked togther in the Federation] Fancy seeing you here, Princess! Remember me?

[first lines]

Samus Aran: Why am I still alive?

Samus Aran: [realizes the Metroid baby has latched onto her, transferring energy back to her] The baby...

Samus Aran: [Mother Brain attacks and kills the Metroid baby, whose remains scatter over Samus. Samus loads her arm cannon and points at Mother Brain] Mother... time to go!

Anthony Higgs: Hey punk! Don't you know how to treat a lady? Let me teach you a lesson about subtlety!

Lyle Smithsonian: I'm fine, but did it have to be bugs?

Samus Aran: [narrating] I had been reliving the tragic moments of my recent past. Thanks to the Hyper Beam, which was given to me somehow by the baby, I laid Mother Brain to waste. And the explosion that followed destroyed Planet Zebes, along with the remains of Mother Brain, the Space Pirates, and my long-standing nemesis, Ridley.

[mournfully]

Samus Aran: And the baby...

[Samus has picked up a distress call]

Samus Aran: [narrating] Code name: Baby's Cry - a common SOS with the urgency of a baby crying. The nickname comes from the fact that the purpose of the signal is to draw attention. The signal was coming from a remote part of space. I altered the course of my ship as if this detour had already been part of my flight plan. Baby's Cry... it was as though it was crying specifically for me.

Samus Aran: [narrating] The thumbs-up sign had been used by the Galactic Federation for ages. Me, I was known for giving the thumbs-down during briefing. I had my reasons, though. Commander Adam Malkovich was normally cool and not one to joke around, but he would end all of his mission briefings by saying, "Any objections, Lady?" He was joking, but others weren't. At the time I felt surrounded by people who treated me like a child or used kid gloves because I was a woman. And yet, with Adam, I was grateful for the nod. My past has left me with an uneasy soul, and as a result, it touched me on some level that Adam would acknowledge that past by calling something delicate, like "Lady." And I knew more than anyone that every word from Adam was deliberate. My thumbs-down was a twofold response: a sign of derision at being called a lady, and a signal of my complete understanding of the mission orders. The other soldiers were always willing to support me with easy smiles despite the fact that I clearly had so much yet to learn. Among them was Anthony. In the face of his well-meaning behavior, and that of the other soldiers, my response was to become increasingly bitter. I was a child, always with something to prove. A chip on my shoulder. And I was angry. I felt that if I let my guard down, I would easily be broken. And beyond that, I was scared. But even in the naiveté of my youth, I could see in Adam's joking manner how close he felt to me. Adam knows my past. And he knows me better than anyone else. Confession time. Because I was so young when I lost both of my parents, there's no question I saw Adam as a father figure. When I rebelled against him, I knew I could get away with it. And his paternal compassion in the face of my rebellion reinforced the special bond I felt with him. I understood well that chances were slim that I would ever find anyone that understood me like Adam. And yet, when the time came, I still left his side. I was so young. Young and naive...

Maurice Favreau: I managed to recover one piece of data. This BOTTLE SHIP is under the management of the Galactic Federation. In these facilities, life-forms from each planet have been raised and researched as possible bioweapons. Site Manager and Development Director: Dr. Madeline Bergman.

Samus Aran: Adam, was the Galactic Federation experimenting with bioweapons?

Commander Adam Malkovich: [over comlink] Looks like it.

Samus Aran: Use of bioweapons is strictly prohibited.

Commander Adam Malkovich: [over comlink] Of course it is. What's happened here is illegal.

Samus Aran: Who is Madeline Bergman?

Commander Adam Malkovich: [over comlink] Must be the person in charge here. Is that all you've got?

Samus Aran: [narrating] I didn't need to press Adam about it any further. I knew his mind. Not only was he a strong opponent of bioweapons, he was against the use of living things for unnecessary reasons, period. Life, no matter what form it takes as it's born into this often cruel universe, should not be tampered with. That was Adam's philosophy. In bringing the infant Metroid back, I did something that I know would have gone against his convictions. And, though I might have been left alone, it was a clear and blatant violation of protocol. I wondered what Adam thought of me. Out of nowhere, I suddenly found myself concerned with his opinion again.

[Samus has found a creature's body]

Samus Aran: [narrating] The creature's corpse showed signs of what looked like Metroid predation, making my mind race. Metroids, here? Impossible. Metroids can't tolerate cold temperatures. They couldn't survive in this environment. Besides, they're extinct. The baby was the last of its kind...

Sephiroth: On your knees. I want you to beg for forgiveness.

Sephiroth: Your geostigma is gone... That's too bad.

Cloud: Sephiroth, what do you want?

Sephiroth: The last thoughts of Geostigma's death... those remnants will join the lifestream and girdle the planet; choking it; corroding it. What I want, Cloud, is to sail the cosmos with this planet as my vessel. Just as Mother did long ago. then one day we'll find a new planet and on it's soil we'll create a shining future.

Cloud: What about this planet?

Sephiroth: Well... That's up to you, Cloud.

Tifa Lockhart: [referring to Aerith] Which is it? A memory or us?

Cloud: [to self] But... I let you die

Aerith Gainsborough: [in Cloud's mind, sighs] Dilly-dally, shilly-shally. Isn't it time you do the forgiving?

Tifa Lockhart: Dilly-Dally Shilly-Shally

Denzel: [to Bahamut] Son of a bitch!

Marlene Wallace: Forget it, Cloud! Why don't you ever pay any attention to us!

Tifa Lockhart: [everyone is throwing Cloud in the air after bahamut, Tifa is the last one] No giving up!

Reno: [brushes himself off] Mother schmother... it's Jenova's friggin' head.

Loz: HEY!

Yazoo: I will not have you refer to mother that way!

Loz: YOU MEANIE!

Rude: Our apologies

Reno: Your ma's cool. What the hell am I saying!

Kadaj: [addressing a group of children] But... The Planet doesn't approve of that at all. It's doing everything it can to hold us back. That's why it's racking our bodies with pain and filling our hearts with doubt. Now, I should heal you. We will join as a family and strike back at the planet!

Kadaj: [to Cloud] Brother! I'm with her at last.

Cloud: So what's gonna happen now?

Kadaj: Mother's going to tell me.

Cloud: I guess a remnant wouldn't really know.

Kadaj: So what if Im a puppet...?

[powers up the materia in his arm]

Kadaj: Once upon a time...

[gets ready to attack]

Kadaj: ...you were too!

Aerith Gainsborough: You came. Even though you're about to break. That's a good sign.

Aerith Gainsborough: So... Why did you come?

Cloud: I think... I wanna be forgiven. Hmmm. More than anything.

Aerith Gainsborough: [amused] By who?

[Cloud enters Reno's house. They immediately attack each other. Reno lunges, Cloud sidesteps and Reno flings himself out the door. Cloud slams it shut]

Reno: Okay. So, you're good.

Cloud: [Locks the door]

[Reno gets locked outside]

Reno: Okay. So you're good.

Rude: [comes through the door, pulling on his gloves]

Reno: [from outside] Yeah Rude. Lookin' sharp!

Rude: [flips open his nightstick]

Cloud: [aim's buster sword for Rude's neck]

Rufus Shinra: Good... You fight like the SOLDIER you once claimed to be... You haven't lost your touch...

Yazoo: Hey Kadaj, is that where big brother lives?

Kadaj: Yeah.

Yazoo: Do you think he will be glad to see us?

Kadaj: Not a chance.

Loz: Don't cry, Yazoo.

Yazoo: But mother is with him.

Kadaj: Maybe not.

Loz: [Loz begins crying]

Yazoo: Don't cry Loz.

Kadaj: Hold on. He's coming.

Vincent Valentine: ...This is my phone... Tell Yuffie she has no right to reach this number...

Tifa Lockhart: [answers phone] Hello. Strife Delivery Service. You name it, we deliv...

Tifa Lockhart: May I ask who's calling?

Tifa Lockhart: [giggles] Yeah. I remember you.

Marlene Wallace: Does Cloud live here?

Tifa Lockhart: I guess he does.

Cloud: I was right. I'm no good to anyone. Vincent. What do you know about this?

Vincent Valentine: I come here often.

Cloud: Are sins... ever forgiven?

Vincent Valentine: ...I've never tried.

Cloud: You mean?..."Never tried"...

Cloud: Marlene, let's go.

[to Vincent]

Cloud: Well, I'm gonna try.

[walks away]

Cloud: I'll phone in the verdict.

Vincent Valentine: [after tossing Cloud up towards the Bahamut] Fly!

[to Cloud]

Tifa Lockhart: You're gonna give up and die, is that it?

[Cloud does not answer]

Tifa Lockhart: So it is...

Cloud: There's no cure.

Tifa Lockhart: Yeah, but that's not stopping Denzel is it? Don't run. Lets fight it together. We can help each other, I know we can. I guess that only works for real families.

Marlene Wallace: [Marlene picks up Cloud's bandage] It's just like Denzel. Is Cloud sick?

Tifa Lockhart: [to self] Why didn't he say something?

Marlene Wallace: Did he leave because he's sick?

Tifa Lockhart: He just... wants to fight alone.

Marlene Wallace: Fight?

Tifa Lockhart: No. I don't think that he will...

Vincent Valentine: Cloud, you're sure this is about fighting?

[to Cloud]

Tifa Lockhart: Stop running! I know. Even if you find the kids you might not be able to help them. Maybe something will happen that can never unhappen, that scares you, doesn't it? But you need to think about it now, really take it in. Look at you, you think you've got it so damn hard. Well you hate being alone so let people in. Sure you might not answer the phone, but I don't see you throw it away either!

Cloud: [to Zack] I said I'd live both our lives... Easier to make that promise...

Vincent Valentine: The stigma... it's a symptom of alien matter infesting the body. When it tries to eliminate it, it overcompensates. Inside our bodies there's a current, like the Lifestream. That current is what fights off any malevolent intruders.

Aeris Gainsborough: Why can't you forgive yourself?

Cloud: Tifa, I'm not fit to help anyone. Not my family, not my friends, nobody.

Tifa Lockhart: [sighs] Dilly-dally, shilly-shally... Dilly-dally, shilly-shally!

Reno: I think she wants you to move on, man.

Denzel: [about Vincent] Who's he?

Tifa Lockhart: They're our friends.

Yazoo: Are we having fun yet?

Reno: The time of my *life*!

Tifa Lockhart: Two years ago, think of the strength we all had when we fought that last battle. It's only been a couple of years, but already that feeling is gone. But Cloud, I think he's found it again.

Barret Wallace: He's got ten minutes...

Yuffie Kisaragi: What? I don't get it! Why can't we help out?

Cid Highwind: This is Man Talk.

Yuffie Kisaragi: Sexist!

[shouts]

Yuffie Kisaragi: Sexiiiiist!

Cait Sith: Lassie, shut your boos!

Barret Wallace: Men don't get it either.

Cloud: Stay where you belong; in my memories!

Sephiroth: I will... never be a memory!

Sephiroth: Tell me what you cherish most. Give me the pleasure of taking it away.

Cloud: You just don't get it. There isn't a thing I don't cherish!

Sephiroth: I've thought of a wonderful present for you... Shall I give you despair?

Reno: And what are we up to?

Yazoo: We know, Mother is here.

Rude: Oh, yeah?

Loz: Yeah, this thing... monument thing... Shinra made it.

Reno: Oh, no, you're just too clever

Rude: Except, you're wrong.

Reno: And wherever she is, we just don't know.

Yazoo: What, the pions aren't trusted?

Aerith Gainsborough: I never blamed you. Not once. You came for me. That's all that matters.

Sephiroth: [amused] Oh! Where did you find *this* strength?

Cloud: I'm not about to tell you.

[slams Sephiroth out of the building]

Barret Wallace: [after being rescued by Cloud] The hell you've been?

Aerith Gainsborough: See? Everything's... alright.

[smiles and walks out of the church]

Cloud: [smiles] I know. I'm not alone... Not anymore.

Yuffie Kisaragi: All right. Who's been touching my materia?

Tifa Lockhart: The bad guys, naturally.

Yuffie Kisaragi: Oh!

Yuffie Kisaragi: [Runs off]

Reno: Hey, partner...

[points at bomb in hand]

Reno: This thing... uh... got any bite to it?

Rude: Shin-Ra technology at its finest.

Reno: Oh, so you made it?

Rude: If nothing else, it's... flashy.

Reno: Oh, good...

Rude: You love it, I know.

Reno: Looks like today we're clockin' out early.

Kadaj: My Reunion... bet you're dying to watch.

Vincent Valentine: Where can I buy a phone?

Sephiroth: Tell me what you cherish most. Give me the pleasure of taking it away.

[Reno gets locked outside]

Reno: Okay. So you're good.

Rude: [comes through the door, pulling on his gloves]

Reno: [from outside] Yeah Rude. Lookin' sharp!

Rude: [flips open his nightstick]

Cloud: [aim's buster sword for Rude's neck]

Rufus Shinra: Good... You fight like the SOLDIER you once claimed to be... You haven't lost your touch...

Reno: [from outside] I'm still out here.

Kadaj: I'm glad you could make it.

Cloud: I only came for the kids.

Kadaj: See this man? He's our big brother. But alas... in our happy flock... he's what you'd call a "Black Sheep."

[to Valentine]

Marlene Wallace: You don't have a phone?

Rufus Shinra: Say, Kadaj, I've got a question for you...

Kadaj: And I've got an answer.

Kadaj: So what if I'm a puppet? Once upon a time... you were too.

Loz: Mother will know. When she gets here, she'll decide what's best. Now, where is Mother?

Reno: [brushes himself off] Mother schmother... it's Jenova's friggin' head.

Loz: Hey!

Yazoo: I will not have you refer to Mother that way.

Loz: You meanie!

Rude: ...Our apologizes.

Reno: You're ma's cool... what the hell am I saying?

Loz: [on the phone] I'm *not* crying.

Reno: [on seeing Bahamut] Hello.

Rude: Hell no.

Opening Credits: To those who loved this world... and knew friendly company therein: This reunion is for you.

Reno: Is it after us?

Rude: I'm not looking.

Yuffie Kisaragi: Cloud! I've brought Materia!

[Falls forward]

Yuffie Kisaragi: Whoa! Hey-watch it!

Barret Wallace: Yo Cid, park this turf!

Cid Highwind: Shaddap! You wan' off, then jump! Get off ma' back!

Yuffie Kisaragi: Larva? You mean, he's an insect?

Yuffie Kisaragi: That Cloud's a royal pain in the ass. Like always.

Tifa Lockhart: Cloud is Cloud.

Loz: Wanna play?

[Tifa does not respond]

Loz: I guess that's a no. Where's Mother?

Loz: [regarding the smell of the flowers] ewwwww... gross. Hey, where's Mother?

Tifa Lockhart: There's no one here!

Loz: Fine then, play with me.

Loz: [Tifa puts on a pair of black leather fighting gloves] This should be fun.

Sephiroth: I have a present for you...

[Cuts out a huge chunk of a building and sends it hurtling towards Cloud]

[a message on Cloud's cell phone]

Barret Wallace: Yo, it's Barret! What up, foo?

Rufus Shinra: The Lifestream courses through our Planet back and forth across the borders of life and death. If that cycle is the very truth of life then history, too, will inevitably repeat itself. So go on - bring your Jenovas and your Sephiroths. It won't matter. We'll do as life dictates and stop you every single time.

Kadaj: Please, sir, is that your excuse for going after Mother yourself? You don't seem all that sorry.

Rufus Shinra: Sorry? Why, I've never had this much fun.

Kadaj: [Watching the havok Bahamut is wreaking] This is too fun, sir! Any requests for the next act?

Kadaj: [Rufus stands up from his wheelchair, revealing a small black box he holds in his hand. Kadaj stares in shock] Mother?

Rufus Shinra: [Smiles] A good son would have known.

[Tosses it off the edge of the building]

[first lines]

Elena: Tseng! Look at this.

Tseng: Pay dirt.

[last lines]

Aeris Gainsborough: Everything's fine now.

Cloud Strife: Yeah. I'm not alone. Not anymore.

Cid Highwind: She's a beaut.

[motions to his new airship]

Cid Highwind: My Shera, the latest model. I'll give you the grand tour afterward!

[runs to fight Bahamut]

Marlene Wallace: [narrating] There was one SOLDIER named Sephiroth, who was better than the rest. But when he found out about the terrible experiments that made him, he began to hate Shinra. And then, over time, he began to hate everything. Shinra, and the people against them. Sephiroth, who hated the planet so much that he wanted to make it go away. And the people who tried to stop him. There were a lot of battles. For every battle, there was more sadness. Someone I loved went back to the lifestream too. And then it came; the chosen day. In the end, the planet itself had to make the battle stop for good. The planet used the lifestream as a weapon and when it burst out of the earth, all the fighting, all the greed and sadness, everything was washed away. Sadness was the price to see it end. It's been two years since they told me that.

Tidus: [opening lines] Listen to my story. This... may be our last chance.

Wakka: [upon finding Tidus trying to watch Jyscal's sphere] Yeah, yeah! She'll tell us when she's ready, so hold your chocobos till then, ya?

Auron: [responding to Tidus' query about Jecht] It depends on what you mean by "alive". He is... no longer human. But then, I could feel something of Jecht there in that shell, didn't you? You must have felt him when you came into contact with Sin.

Tidus: [realizing what Auron is saying] It can't be...

Auron: It is. Sin is Jecht.

Tidus: [unable to believe it] No! That's ridiculous! No way! I don't believe you!

Auron: [unfazed] But *it is* the truth. You'll see for yourself. Come with me.

Tidus: And if I say no?

Auron: Every story must have an ending.

Tidus: [irritated] I don't care about your stories!

Auron: I see. Sorry you feel that way. Fine, then. Come or don't come. It's your decision.

Tidus: [yells in frustration] What am I supposed to say? You tell me it's *my* decision! But I don't have a choice, do I? You're the only one who can tell me what's going on here, anyways! I have to go with you! I *have* to!

Auron: Irritating, I know. Or are you afraid?

Rikku: [upon encountering a Dark Flan] Heeey! Say, is that edible?

Wakka: [visiting his brother Chappu in the Farplane] Yo, Chappu! Meant to come see you earlier, ya? Sorry. I know you won't hold it against me. I gave up the game. I'm a guardian from here on, you know? This guy - looks a lot like you - showed up. Travelling with him, I thought, maybe... you were still alive somewhere, ya? But, then again, here you are on the Farplane. Guess your place is here. So... how you been? Oh! That guy I told you about? I gave him your sword. He likes it.

Tidus: [When you use Delay Buster for the first time] Take a number, buddy!

Wakka: [If you fight a Behemoth] How many steaks you think we can get outta this?

Tidus: [If you fight an Adamantoise] This isn't just a rock, is it?

Lulu: [When you use Fira for the first time] Need a light?

Tidus: What do you want?

Auron: It was a bad call. Your team lost because of you.

Tidus: You came to say *that?*

Auron: [to Sin] You are sure?...

Auron: [to Tidus] This is it. This is your story. It all begins here.

Tidus: I thought about a lot of things, like where I was, what I'd gotten myself into. I started to feel light-headed, and then, sleepy. I think I had a dream - a dream of being alone. I wanted someone - anyone - beside me, so I wouldn't have to feel alone anymore.

Tidus: [voiceover] How many died today? People die, and Yuna dances. When will she stop dancing? When will it stop? Yuna won't stop dancing - not until Sin is gone. Those were my thoughts then... I think.

Yuna: But... what of Sin? I am a summoner, my lord, like my father before me! I am on a pilgrimage to stop the death that Sin brings. Are you... Are you telling me that, too, is futile? Grand Maester Mika, I am not alone! All the people who have opposed Sin... their battles, their sacrifices - were they all in vain?

Mika: Not in vain. No matter how many summoners give their lives, Sin cannot be truly defeated. The rebirth cannot be stopped. Yet the courage of those who fight gives the people hope. There is nothing futile in the life and death of a summoner.

Auron: Never futile... but neverending.

Mika: Indeed, that is the essence of Yevon.

Yuna: [in disbelief] Lord Mika!

Mika: Yevon is embodied by eternal, unchanging continuity, summoner.

Yuna: No... that can't be right!

Mika: Those who question these truths - they are traitors!

Yuna: Lord Mika!

Auron: Now! This is it! Now is the time to choose! Die and be free of pain or live and fight your sorrow! Now is the time to shape your stories! Your fate is in your hands!

Kimahri: Yuna needs Kimahri. Kimahri protect Yuna.

Rikku: Well, I'm fighting!

Wakka: I can't believe we're gonna fight Lady Yunalesca! Gimme a break!

Lulu: You can always run.

Wakka: Hah! I'd never forgive myself-no way! Not if I ran away now. Even in death, ya!

Lulu: My thoughts exactly.

Tidus: Yuna! This is our story! Now let's see this thing through together.

Tidus: Don't break any bones, old man!

Auron: Hmph...

Yuna: He called it the "Sublimely Magnificent Jecht Shot Mark III".

Tidus: Stupid name, huh? You know what? There is no "Mark I" or "Mark II", you know? My old man said the name "Mark III" was just something to hook the crowd. He said they'd come back every night expecting to see Mark I and Mark II. And, they really did come back.

Wakka: A summoner with bed-hair! What's the world coming to?

Maester Seymour Guado: Ah, of course. "Protect the summoner, even at the cost of one's life." The Code of the Guardian. How admirable. Well, if you are offering your lives, I will have to take them.

Yuna: Maester Seymour. I trust my guardians with my life, but they are also my friends. I will not stand by and watch them be hurt...

[She brings out her staff]

Yuna: I will fight you, too!

Tidus: All right!

Wakka: M-Maester Seymour!

Maester Seymour Guado: So be it!

Lady Yunalesca: Let me be your liberator...

Maester Seymour Guado: [appearing in front of Tidus and Rikku] Ah, the son of Jecht.

Tidus: Rikku, run ahead and tell Auron!

Rikku: You are not fighting him alone!

Tidus: Just go! *Go!*

Maester Seymour Guado: Now is your time to die. Prepare yourself, son of Jecht.

Tidus: Not if I can help it!

Kimahri Ronso: [approaching with the others] Save some for Kimahri!

Maester Seymour Guado: [noticing Yuna] Ah, Lady Yuna. It is a pleasure.

Lulu: Yuna!

[Yuna gets ready to send Seymour to the Farplane]

Maester Seymour Guado: A sending? So soon? Let me say something to the last Ronso before I leave. Your's was... truly a galant race. They threw themselves at me to bar my path. One... after another...

[Seymour laughs]

Kimahri Ronso: [realizing what Seymour is saying] No...

Yuna: Kimahri...

Maester Seymour Guado: You could end the suffering of this poor Ronso.

Yuna: I don't understand you!

Maester Seymour Guado: Allow Kimahri to die and release him from his suffering. Spira, is consumed by the spiral of death. To destroy - to *heal* Spira - I will become Sin with your help Lady Yuna. Come, Lady Yuna.

Auron: Don't listen to him!

Maester Seymour Guado: [to Tidus] Once I become Sin, your father will be free again.

Tidus: [frusturated] Ah, what do *you* know?

[takes his sword and rushes towards Seymour]

Maester Seymour Guado: Pitiful mortal...

[the unsent Seymour begins transforming into Seymour Flux]

Maester Seymour Guado: Your hope ends here! And your meaningless existence with it!

[after defeating Seymour Flux]

Tidus: [exhausted] And *stay* up there!

Maester Kelk Ronso: The high court of Yevon is now in session. Summoner Yuna, you took an oath to protect the people of Yevon, no?

Yuna: Yes.

Maester Kelk Ronso: Then consider: you have inflicted dire injury upon Maester Seymour Guado, conspired with the Al Bhed and joined in their insurection. These are traitorous crimes that disturb the order of Yevon. Tell this court what possessed you to come to such violence.

Yuna: Your Grace. The real traitor... is Maester Seymour! He killed his father Jyscal with his own hands!

Maester Kelk Ronso: What is this?

Maester Seymour Guado: Hm? Hadn't you heard?

Yuna: Not only that - Maester Seymour... is already dead!

[after defeating Seymour on Mt. Gagazet]

Yuna: He will become Sin... with my help? With my help, Sir Jecht will be free once again once.

Auron: Lies. Forget them.

Yuna: You know something! Tell me!

Tidus: Sin's... my old man.

Wakka: [stunned] You hit your head?

Tidus: My old man's Spira's suffering.

Yuna: Even knowing... that Sin is your father... you know... I must...

Tidus: Yeah... Let's go get him!

Lulu: You would fight your own father?

Tidus: No problem there...

Wakka: Are you sure this isn't some toxin dream?

[Tidus shakes his head]

Wakka: That means... Chappu... I'll just pretend I heard nothing. I'm confused, ya? Why'd everything turn out like this?

Auron: We'll find out soon once we reach Zanarkand.

Tidus: [when you come up against a Tonberry, he randomly says this] Uh... I think have a bad feeling about this

Kid: [referring to Al Bhed] I want a mask like his, but Mommy says only the Al Bhed wear them. I wanna be an Al Bhed when I grow up!

Rikku: Where are you from?

Tidus: Zanarkand. I'm a blitzball player.

[pauses, then mimes a kick]

Tidus: Star player of the Zanarkand Abes!

Rikku: Did you... hit your head or something?

Tidus: Um, *you* guys hit me?

Rikku: Oh, right... Do you remember anything before that?

Tidus: [voiceover] So I told her everything there was to tell about Zanarkand - about life there, blitzball, and Sin's attack; and about how me and Auron were engulfed in this light.

Lulu: No matter how dark the night, morning always comes, and our journey begins anew.

Wakka: Those sand-blasted grease monkeys!

Lulu: Goodbye, Chappu. You always said I looked grumpy, but those were the happiest days of my life.

Auron: Once Lady Yuna fixes her hair, we leave.

[Auron sees the guardian wyrm of Bevelle city]

Auron: The red carpet has teeth.

Yuna: No, we will not flee. We will fight, and continue on.

Kelk: You have been branded a traitor, but still you would fight Sin? Lost to the temple, hated by the people, yet you continue your pilgrimage? Everything lost! What do you fight for?

Yuna: I fight for Spira. The people long for the Calm. I can give it to them. It's all I can give. Defeating Sin, ending pain... this I can do.

Kelk: Even sacrificing yourself?

[to the Ronsos]

Kelk: Ronso, let them pass!

[to Yuna]

Kelk: Summoner Yuna, your will is stronger than steel. Tempered steel that even the mightiest Ronso could not hope to bend. Yuna, we bow to your will! Now go! The scared heights of Gagazet welcomes you.

Auron: [to Tidus] It's been... long enough

Auron: [after defeating Ultima Weapon] That was not Omega, just a shadow born from his wrath

Yuna: Everyone... everyone has lost something precious. Everyone here has lost homes, dreams, and friends. Everybody... Now, Sin is finally dead.

[the crowd applaudes]

Yuna: Now, Spira is ours again. Now, working together, we can make new homes for ourselves, and new dreams. Although I know the journey will be hard, we have lots of time. Together, we will rebuild Spira. The road is ahead of us, so let's start out today.

[the crowd applaudes. Wakka, Lulu, Rikku, and Kimahri look on as their friend continues]

Yuna: Just, one more thing: the people and the friends that we have lost, or the dreams that have faded...

[Past scenes from the game flash by, many of them involving Tidus]

Yuna: ...Never forget them.

Tidus: It's tough...

[sighs]

Tidus: ... when your father's famous.

Wakka: Eh?

Lulu: Wakka's... a bit lacking in the imagination department.

Wakka: Huh?

Tidus: [laughing] Thanks, Lulu. I'll keep that in mind.

Tidus: They said Seymour went to Macarena Temple.

Wakka: [correcting him] "Macalania" Temple.

Tidus: Aye?

Wakka: But, using machina - that's bad, isn't it?

Maester Seymour Guado: Pretend you didn't see them.

Wakka: [Everyone - except for Tidus and Auron - gasps] Beg your pardon, but *that's* not something a Maester should say!

Maester Seymour Guado: Then pretend I didn't say it.

Wakka: [disbelieving] You're kidding!

Jecht: Hah! You got tall, but you're all bones! You eating right, boy?

[Tidus is silent. Rikku looks at him]

Jecht: You've really grown.

Tidus: Yeah, but you're still bigger.

Jecht: Well, I am Sin, you know.

Tidus: That's not funny.

[Jecht laughs]

Tidus: Who is this Yu Yevon guy?

Lulu: Lady Yunalesca also mentioned him.

Rikku: Wait, gramps! Who's Yu Yevon?

Maester Mika: He who crafts the souls of the dead into unholy armor. An armor called Sin! Clad in it, Yu Yevon is invincible. And the only thing that could have pierced that armor, you have destroyed! Nothing can stop it now...

Mika: Spira has lost its only hope. Destruction is inevitable. Yu Yevon's spiral of death will consume us all. I have no desire to watch Spira die.

Yuna: It won't die!

Yuna: Wait! Sin is reborn when Yu Yevon merges with an aeon, isn't that right? If I summon an aeon, Yu Yevon will join with it. But at first... it'll be small, won't it?

Tidus: Yeah... then, we might be able to beat it without the Final Summoning.

Yuna: I don't know. What if Yu Yevon jumps again?

Tidus: Then we'll take it down again. We'll fight him until there's no place left to run!

Wakka: You here to pray for victory, too?

Luca Goer 1: Us? Pray? Who needs to pray? The Luca Goers always win!

Tidus: Dad?

Jecht: Yeah...

Tidus: [voice faltering] I hate you.

[beat]

Jecht: I know, I know...

Jecht: You'll cry. You're gonna cry. You always cry. See? You're crying.

Tidus: [sobbing] I hate you, Dad.

Jecht: Save it for later.

Yuna: A lotta fiends here, ya?

Lulu: Don't talk like that.

Maester Seymour Guado: You would dare oppose me as well? So be it!

Maester Kinoc: Come out. Your sentence has been decided.

Auron: Sentence? Don't you mean execution?

Maester Kinoc: Really, now. What person would execute a dear friend?

Auron: *You* would.

Auron: Summoners challenge the bringer of death, Sin, and die doing so. Guardians give their lives to protect their summoner. The fayth are the souls of the dead. Even the maesters of Yevon are unsent. Spira is full of death... only Sin is reborn, and then only to bring more death. It is a cycle of death, spiraling endlessly.

Tidus: [to Wakka and Rikku, who have been thrown in the underwater section of the dungeon] What's our sentence?

Wakka: Think they expect us to give up and die down here.

Tidus: [groans] Well, that's a lame way to kill someone!

Lady Yunalesca: If I die, so does the Final Aeon. And with it, Spira's only hope.

Tidus: Then we'll find Spira a new hope!

Lady Yunalesca: Fool. There is no other way. Even if there was... even if you did destroy Sin... Yu Yevon the immortal would only create Sin anew.

Tidus: [confused] Yu Yevon?

Lady Yunalesca: Ah... Zaon... forgive me... Spira has been robbed of the light of hope; all that remains is sorrow.

[Lady Yunalesca dies]

Auron: Where is the sense in all this? Braska believed in Yevon's teachings and died for them! Jecht believed in Braska and gave his life for him!

Lady Yunalesca: They chose to die... because they had hope.

Lulu: Amazing. Simply amazing. You make up one theory after another, refusing to face the simple truth. Sin didn't take Chappu anywhere. Sin crushed him and left him on the Djose shore. Your brother won't just "pop back." Oh, and one more thing. No matter how much you want it, no one can take Chappu's place. No one can replace Sir Jecht, for that matter. And there's no replacement for Lord Braska, either. It's pointless to think about it... and sad.

[about Tidus and Jecht]

Wakka: Hating your own father, huh? Sounds like a luxury to me. I don't remember my parents. Can't say how I feel about 'em.

Lulu: I... I was five then... so I remember mine a little.

Wakka: [punches the floor] Dammit! Sin just takes everything away from us.

Auron: You remind me of myself. Before, the closer I came to Zanarkand, the more I wondered... when we arrive, Braska will call the Final Aeon... He will fight Sin, then die. I thought my mind was made up long before. But when I stood here, my resolve wavered.

Wakka: Huh, never would've figured. Legendary guardians choke sometimes, too, ya?

Auron: Legendary guardian? I was just a boy. A boy about your age, actually. I wanted to change the world, too. But I changed nothing. That is my story.

Yuna: My father... my father wanted... to make Spira's sorrow go away. Not just cover it up with lies!

Lady Yunalesca: Sorrow cannot be abolished. It is meaningless to try.

Yuna: My father... I loved him. So I... I will live with my sorrow, I will live my own life! I will defeat sorrow, in his place. I will stand my ground and be strong. I don't know when it will be, but someday... I will conquer it. And I will do it without... false hope.

Auron: Enough! Dwelling in the past is futile!

Rikku: Hey! You don't have to say it like that!

Auron: You want to waste time listening to her regrets?

Cid: No mistakes, or I'm gonna tear up that mop you call hair!

Brother: Not worry, me... take you there. No problem ya?

[mocking Maester Mika]

Tidus: Such thinking is very unbecoming of a summoner! Sound like Mika?

[Yuna and Tidus laugh]

Yuna: That's not very nice you know!

[after defeating a fiend]

Wakka: Woo-hooo!

Lulu: [scolding] Don't get too cocky.

Tidus: [Jecht transforms into Braska's Final Aeon, possessed by Yu Yevon]

Tidus: [draws sword] I promise this will be quick! Hit me with all you got, Dad!

Tidus: This is my story. It'll go the way I want it... or I'll end it here.

Tidus: Guys. This is the last time we fight together, okay?

Wakka: Huh?

Tidus: What I'm trying to say is... after we beat Yu Yevon... I'll disappear.

Lulu: What are you talking about?

Tidus: I'm saying goodbye!

Rikku: Not now!

Tidus: [brings out sword] I know it's selfish, but this is my story!

Wakka: [after the group describes the plan to defeat Sin] Sure it's against the rules and all, but who's keeping track, ya? Yeah?

Tidus: I'm not done talking to you! Don't you run away!

Auron: [walking away] *You're* the one running.

Wakka: [after the Al Bhed blow up their Home] Hey - don't look so down! BOOM! Hahaha! Like happy festival fireworks, ya?

Rikku: You can cram your happy festival, you big meanie!

Wakka: [when Tidus talks to him] Why didn't I just shut my big mouth...?

Auron: [after Maester Seymour approaches, surrounded by bodyguards, with the body of Maester Kinoc] Kinoc!

Tidus: Why, you - !

Maester Seymour Guado: I have saved him. He was a man who craved power. And great power he had, but he feared losing it. Trembling at unseen enemies, he spent his days scheming petty schemes, chased by his fears, never knowing rest. You see... now he has no worries, he has been granted sleep eternal. Death is a sweet slumber, all the pain of life is gently swept away. Ah, yes.

[Seymour turns to Yuna]

Maester Seymour Guado: So you see... if all life were to end in Spira, all suffering would end, don't you see? Do you not agree? That, Yuna, is why I need you. Come, Lady Yuna. Come with me to Zanarkand, the lost city of the dead. With death on our side, we will save Spira, and for this... I will take away from you your strength, Yuna, your life, and become the next Sin. I will *destroy* Spira! I will *save* it!

Tidus: You're totally *nuts!*

Tidus: [to Auron] Hey, you! Don't just stand there! All of this is *your* fault! Getting swallowed up by Sin, ending up here in Spira, not being able to get back to Zanarkand - everything, *everything!* I'm telling you, it's all your fault!

[Tidus begins disappearing, Yuna shakes her head 'no']

Yuna: No.

Tidus: Yuna, I have to go.

[Yuna shakes her head 'no']

Tidus: I'm sorry I couldn't show you Zanarkand.

[walks away]

Tidus: Goodbye.

Rikku: We're gonna see you again.

[Yuna runs after Tidus, but goes right through him and falls to ground]

Yuna: [stands up] I love you.

[Tidus turns and hugs Yuna, walks through her and runs and jumps into air and disappears, joining Jecht]

[when fighting in the Via Purifico]

Auron: I hate this place.

Auron: Not much has changed over the past 10 years...

Lulu: [to Tidus] I shouldn't have to say this, but don't fall in love with her.

[after witnessing an argument about Tidus between Wakka and Lulu]

Tidus: [to Wakka] Scary!

Auron: Although he was not the man I once knew, Kinoc was still my friend, Seymour! You will pay for his death!

[during an attack from Sin, between Besaid and Kilika, two crewmen ready the harpoons]

Wakka: What do you think you're doing? Stick a harpoon in him and we'll all get dragged under!

S.S. Liki crewman: Sin's heading for Kilika! We gotta distract it!

S.S. Liki crewman: [to Yuna] Our families are in Kilika! Forgive us, Lady Summoner!

[after a brief pause, Yuna approves use of the harpoons]

Wakka: Wait! Oh, boy...

Tidus: [in battle] Yuna! Aeon!

Lulu: [scolding] Just who do you think you are?

Tidus: [encounters a Cactuar in battle] Don't you run, Needles!

[her last words to Tidus]

Yuna: I love you.

[sometimes, when winning a battle]

Auron: That's how it's done!

Tidus: Wait. This is a dream?

Fayth: Precisely.

Tidus: A dream? Are you crazy? I don't have time to be dreaming now!

Fayth: You're wrong. It's not that you're dreaming; you *are* a dream.

Tidus: Huh? Wait a sec.

Fayth: Long ago, there was a war.

Tidus: Yeah, with machina, right?

Fayth: Yes. A war between Zanarkand and Bevelle. Bevelle's machina assured their victory from the start. Spira had never seen such power. The summoners of Zanarkand didn't stand a chance. Zanarkand was doomed to oblivion. That's why we tried to save it - if only in a memory.

Tidus: What did you do?

Fayth: The remaining summoners and the townspeople that survived the war... They all became fayth - fayth for the summoning.

Tidus: The summoning... you mean Sin.

Fayth: No, I mean this place. A Zanarkand that never sleeps.

Tidus: What?

Fayth: The dreams of the fayth summoned the memories of the city. They summoned all the buildings, all the people that lived there.

Tidus: The people... What, they're all dreams? Me, too?

Fayth: Yes, you're a dream of the fayth. You, your father, your mother, everyone. All dreams. And if the fayth stop dreaming...

Tidus: No! So what if I'm a dream? I... I like being here.

Fayth: We've been dreaming so long... we're tired. Would you and your father... would you let us rest? Both you and your father have been touched by Sin. Sin, the one around whom all Spira - the spiral - revolves.

Tidus: What are you saying?

Fayth: You two are more than just dreams now. Just a little more, and maybe... Maybe you are the dream that will end our dreaming at last.

[Tidus wakes up]

Lulu: [to Lady Ginnem's spirit] There is no human left in you now, is there? Very well, then. Allow me to perform my last duty to you. My last as your guardian.

Lulu: [after Lady Ginnem is sent] Strange. I thought it would be sadder, somehow. Maybe I've gotten used to farewells.

Wakka: You're stronger now.

Lulu: Wakka, I hope you're right.

Tidus: [Against a Don Tonberry] Uh... I have a bad feeling about this!

Tidus: [fafter they find Seymour inside Sin] Don't you ever give up?

Maester Seymour Guado: Sin has chosen me. I am part of Sin. I am one with Sin forever. Immortal!

Tidus: Sin just absorbed you.

Maester Seymour Guado: I will learn to control it from within. I have all the time in the world. Since you were gracious enough to dispose of Yunalesca, the only means of destroying Sin is forever gone! Now, nothing can stop us!

Tidus: Well, we can.

Maester Seymour Guado: [Seymour has assimilated with the Mortiphasms to become Seymour Omnis] By all means, try! You should thank me! Your death means your father's life!

Auron: [after Omega Weapon's defeat] Find your peace on the Farplane. Leave Spira to the living.

Cid: The final showdown with Sin. I say let's get this show on the road!

Cid: Yee-haw! Here we go!

Tidus: Every blitzer knows: when you got the ball, you gotta score!

[Tidus and Lulu are riding on a snowmobile toward Macalania Temple shortly after Wakka's bigoted, angry reaction to discovering that Rikku is an Al Bhed]

Lulu: I hope that you're not too mad at Wakka.

Tidus: Hey, not at all.

Lulu: Thank you.

Tidus: Say, what do you think of Rikku?

Lulu: Me? She's... fun to be with.

Tidus: That all?

Lulu: Well, I can tell she's not a bad person.

Tidus: Yeah. You know what the problem is? She's just another Al Bhed to Wakka. Wakka's head is as hard as a rock. I bet it's because of Yevon. Or, you know, something like that.

Lulu: Well, there's more to it than that. Wakka doesn't like the Al Bhed because of his brother Chappu.

Tidus: Oh, he used a machina weapon, right? And got killed by Sin.

[to himself]

Tidus: Killed by my old man. Damn you, Jecht.

Lulu: What?

Tidus: Oh, nothing! Hey... can someone, like, a human become Sin ever?

Lulu: I can't say that I know, but why?

Tidus: Just a thought.

Lulu: Sin is the punishment for, and the incarnation of, crimes we have committed.

Tidus: So, no one really knows what it is?

Lulu: There's no need to know, so no one asks. You run or you fight. That is really all you can do. There's no sense brooding over it.

Tidus: What, that's all? I mean, you don't even wonder?

Lulu: [astonished] You really do come from a world where there is no Sin, like you say.

[Tidus and Rikku are riding on a snowmobile toward Macalania Temple shortly after Wakka's bigoted, angry reaction to discovering that Rikku is an Al Bhed]

Tidus: Sorry about Wakka.

Rikku: He didn't have to be so mean, yeah? I almost cried.

Tidus: Uh... Rikku?

Rikku: [falsely cheerful] Just kidding! It's okay. At least you're still nice. Hey, do I look like Yunie, you think?

Tidus: Eh?

Rikku: Well, my dad's sister is Yunie's mother, you get it?

Tidus: Ah! I had no idea! If you say so.

Rikku: Mm-hm.

Tidus: Okay! I guess you're guarding your family, then.

Rikku: Yuna's not the only one that I want to protect.

Tidus: Huh?

Rikku: We Al Bhed want to protect all of the summoners, you know? Summoners are... well, you could say that... they sacrifice themselves to, well... to bring happiness to Spira.

Tidus: What do you mean?

Rikku: Oh...

Tidus: Rikku?

Rikku: Yes?

Tidus: "Sacrifice themselves"?

Rikku: You know, the pilgrimage... it, uh, takes a lot out of you.

Tidus: Oh, right. But you know. Yuna's real serious about being a summoner. For Yuna, well the pilgrimage kinda means everything to her. You are going to help her, too, aren't you, Rikku?

[she nods]

Tidus: So you shouldn't say that Yuna's sacrificing herself.

[Rikku holds onto his tighter]

Tidus: Rikku?

Rikku: I hope you're right.

Yuna: Hey, watch!

[whistles]

Tidus: Hey, you got pretty good.

Yuna: [looks at Tidus] You sound sad.

Tidus: Yeah, maybe.

Yuna: Wanna scream?

Tidus: I really don't think that's gonna help this time.

[while imprisoned in Bevelle... ]

Tidus: [struggling to get out of his cage] Lemme outta here! I want out *now!* You hear me?

Wakka: [to Rikku] How come you speak Al Bhed?

Wakka: [to Tidus and Lulu] Why?

Tidus: Uh, well...

Rikku: [deciding to reveal her lineage] Because... I'm Al Bhed, and that... was my brother.

Wakka: [to Tidus and Lulu] You knew?

[They both nod]

Wakka: Why didn't you tell me?

Lulu: We knew you'd be upset.

Wakka: [disgusted] This is great! I can't believe I've been traveling with an Al Bhed! A heathen!

Rikku: You're wrong! We have nothing against Yevon!

Wakka: But you Al Bhed use the forbidden machina! You know what that means? Sin was born because people used machina!

Rikku: You got proof? Show me proof!

Wakka: [scoffing] It's in Yevon's teachings! Not that *you'd* know!

Rikku: That's not good enough! Yevon says this, Yevon says that! Can't you think for yourself?

Wakka: Well, then, you tell me! Where did Sin come from, huh?

Rikku: I... I don't know!

Wakka: Hmph! You bad-mouth Yevon, and that's all you can come up with?

Rikku: But... that doesn't mean you should do whatever they say without thinking! Nothing will ever change that way!

Wakka: Nothing has to change!

Rikku: You want Sin to keep coming back? There might be a way to stop it, you know!

Wakka: Sin will be gone once we atone for our past mistakes!

Rikku: When? How?

Wakka: [shaking his fist at Rikku] If we keep faith in Yevon's teachings it will be gone one day!

Rikku: [realizing that it is hopeless at the moment] Why do I even bother?

Rikku: [after Yuna escapes] Cover your eyes!

[Rikku tosses something, and a bright light goes off. In the ensueing chaos, the group escapes]

Wakka: [bewildered] Wh-What was *that?*

Rikku: An Al Bhed flashbomb!

Tidus: Lemme go! I'm gonna *kill* that Seymour!

Kimahri: Yuna said leave! We leave!

Lulu: We'll join up with her later!

Auron: Break through!

Tidus: [after hearing about the Chocobo Eater] A large fiend, huh? Let's get 'em!

Auron: Why?

Tidus: It's the right thing to do!

Auron: It's the right thing to do...?

[Auron starts chuckling]

Tidus: What'd I say now?

Auron: Jecht said that a lot, too. And everytime he said it, it meant trouble for Braska and me.

Lulu: [to Tidus] You truly are clueless. Are you sure it's just your memory that's the problem? The dead need guidance. Filled with grief over their own death, they refuse to face their fate. They yearn to live on, and resent those still alive. You see, they envy the living. And in time, that envy turns to anger, even hate. Should these souls remain in Spira, they become fiends that prey on the living. Sad, isn't it? The Sending takes them to the Farplane, where they may rest in peace.

Maester Seymour Guado: [Seymour, defeated, falls to his knees. Yuna walks forward] Yuna... you would pity me now?

[He falls on his back, dead. Yuna rushes to the dead body and closes his eyes. Tromell and two Guado escorts suddenly enter]

Tromell Guado: Maester Seymour! What has happened here?

Wakka: [stunned] What... What have I done...?

Tidus: [as the Guado check Seymour's body] Wait a minute! It's not our fault at all! Seymour struck first; he's the bad guy!

Tromell Guado: Y-You did this?

Auron: Yuna. Send him.

Tromell Guado: [angered] No, stop! Stay away from him, traitors!

[the Guado carry Seymour's body out of the chamber. Yuna falls to her knees]

Yuna: [in disbelief] Traitors...?

Wakka: We're finished.

Tidus: Now, hold on! Seymour's the bad guy, right? We'll just tell everyone what happened!

Auron: It won't be that easy - let's get out of here.

[after getting washed up at an unknown desert area, Tidus, Lulu, and Auron try to find the others. Tidus finds Wakka sitting under a makeshift canopy]

Tidus: [running over] Wakka! You okay?

Wakka: [nods] Where's Yuna?

[Tidus and Lulu look at each other, but they, along with Auron, say nothing]

Wakka: [kicking a metal pillar] *Dam*mit! First, I lose Yuna, then I'm ambushed by machina! Great day I'm having.

[Further away, Tidus finds Kimahri trying - and failing - to scale a steep sand dune]

Kimahri: [shaking his head] Yuna... gone.

Tidus: It's not your fault, Kimahri!

[after more searching, they run into Rikku]

Rikku: [waving] Oh! Hey, guys! Where's Yunie?

Tidus: Gone.

Lulu: [despondent] Gone... Some guardian I am.

Rikku: Um... There's something I wanna tell you, but promise you won't say anything.

[Wakka glares at her]

Rikku: No glaring, either! I know where we are. We're on Bikanel Island. There's a place us Al Bhed call "Home" here. Yunie's there, I'm sure of it! Other Al Bhed must've come and rescued her!

Wakka: "Rescued"? You mean "kidnapped"!

Tidus: What does it matter, as long as she's safe?

Rikku: That's right! Anyway, I will take you there - if you promise that you won't tell anyone about it. Especially not Yevonites, okay? You know they don't like us Al Bhed. Who knows what they'll do if they knew?

Wakka: Gimme a break! What're you accusing Yevon of this time?

Rikku: Yevon did something really horrible to us in the past.

Wakka: Well, you Al Bhed must've deserved it!

Tidus: [yells in frustration] Can't you guys... talk about this later?

Rikku: Just promise that you won't tell anyone about this place, okay?

Tidus: Come on, Wakka!

Wakka: [giving in] All right, I promise! Lead the way!

R.O.B. 64: [1st line] Message from General Pepper, priority 1.

General Pepper: We need your help, Star Fox. Andross has declared war. He's invaded the Lylat System and is trying to take over Corneria. Our army alone can't do the job. Hurry, Star Fox.

General Pepper: It's about time you showed up, Fox. You're the only hope for our world.

Fox McCloud: I'll do my best. Andross won't have his way with me.

Fox McCloud: Say your prayers, Andross.

[repeated line]

Peppy Hare: Never give up. Trust your instincts.

James McCloud: Don't ever give up, my son!

Fox McCloud: Father?

James McCloud: Follow me, Fox. This way, Fox. Never give up. Trust your instincts. You've become so strong, Fox.

Slippy Toad: Whoa! Help me! Thanks, Fox. I thought they had me.

[entering asteroid field, devoid of enemies]

Peppy Hare: It's quiet. Too quiet... be careful, it's a trap!

Falco Lombardi: Gee, I've been saved by Fox. How swell.

Peppy Hare: Slippy's not such a screw-up after all.

Slippy Toad: Thanks a lot, Peppy...

Fox McCloud: [after beating the bio weapon at Aquas] We're preparing to dock! Thanks Slip! Blue Marine came through

Peppy Hare: Slippy's not such a screw up after all

Slippy Toad: Thanks a lot Peppy!

Falco Lombardi: [sarcastically] I'll take the sky any day

Slippy Toad: [annoyed] Sheesh Falco! You too!

Pigma Dengar: Daddy screamed REAL good before he died.

Bill Grey: I'm glad we're on the same team, Fox.

Fox McCloud: You owe me one.

Train Driver: You're too slow! Time to end this!

Katt Monroe: You owe me, Falco.

Leon Powalski: Shoot me down, if you can.

Katt Monroe: Beautiful! I could kiss you for that!

Wolf O'Donnell: You'll be seeing your dad soon, Fox.

Leon Powalski: Annoying bird! I am the great Leon!

Leon Powalski: I think I'll torture you for a while.

Falco Lombardi: Hold still and lemme shoot you.

Bill Grey: Just like old times, huh Fox?

Katt Monroe: Starting without me? Boys, I'm crushed...

[after Andrew is defeated]

Andrew Oikonny: Uncle Andross!

Caiman: Caiman here... no problems...

[Star Fox blasts one of the ships]

Caiman: Do you copy? Emergency Maneuvers!

Falco Lombardi: Too late. Game over, pal!

Peppy Hare: Everybody, stay alert.

[repeated line]

Peppy Hare: Do a barrel roll!

Falco Lombardi: I guess I should be thankful.

Fox McCloud: We're heading out. All aircraft report.

Slippy Toad: You did it! I was worried for a moment.

Peppy Hare: You're becoming more like your father.

Falco Lombardi: I'm fine. You okay over there, Fox?

Falco Lombardi: Time for a little payback.

R.O.B. 64: Falco's ship is under maintanance.

Falco Lombardi: You worry about your own hide.

Peppy Hare: I saw my life flash before my eyes!

Falco Lombardi: I'll take the sky any day.

Slippy Toad: Sheesh, Falco! You too?

Slippy Toad: They almost got us.

Peppy Hare: I'm not too crazy about those guys.

Falco Lombardi: So, that's Star Wolf.

Slippy Toad: Why are ships coming out of the base?

R.O.B. 64: A bomb has been planted at the base.

Fox McCloud: Jeez! Can anyone take care of it?

Wolf O'Donnell: Can't let you do that, Star Fox!

Leon Powalski: Andross has ordered us to take you down.

Pigma Dengar: Peppy! Long time no see!

Andrew Oikonny: Andross' enemy is MY enemy.

Fox McCloud: Just what I needed to see. Star Wolf.

Fox McCloud: Let's take care of these guys first.

Andrew Oikonny: Bow before the great Andross!

Falco Lombardi: [being chased by lava birds] I ain't your buddy! Go away!

Slippy Toad: Don't forget me!

Fox McCloud: Slippy? Is everything okay?

Slippy Toad: Yeah, yeah. No problem.

Falco Lombardi: Katt? What are you doing here?

Katt Monroe: Is that any way to treat a girl?

Andross: I've been waiting for you, Star Fox. You know that *I* control the galaxy. It's foolish to come against *me*. You will die just like your father.

Peppy Hare: Fox! Are you okay?

Slippy Toad: YES! YOU DID IT!

Falco Lombardi: Okay, I'll admit it. You did good, Fox.

General Pepper: Star Fox, we are in your debt. I would be honored to have you as part of the Cornerian...

Fox McCloud: Oh no, sir. We prefer doing things our own way.

[Peppy and Slippy nod in agreement, then Fox's headset beeps]

R.O.B. 64: [on earphone] Great Fox is ready to go.

Fox McCloud: [to General Pepper] It's time for us to go now.

Wolf O'Donnell: Don't get too cocky, Star Fox.

Leon Powalski: Let's see how you handle our new ships.

Pigma Dengar: Too bad Dad's not here to see ya FAIL.

Andrew Oikonny: We'll make sure you'll never reach Andross.

Fox McCloud: We'll just see about that, Star Wolf.

Slippy Toad: Noooooo!

Falco Lombardi: [getting shot by Fox] Hey, Einstein! I'm on your side!

Andrew Oikonny: [as he is being shot by Fox] Give it up! You can't win!

Katt Monroe: Are you going to hog all the fun?

Falco Lombardi: Katt? Can't you go bother someone else?

[Slippy finds three fighters hiding behind a wrecked ship]

Slippy Toad: Ahh ha! Thought you could hide from me, eh?

[Slippy finds three more fighters hiding]

Slippy Toad: Escaping? I don't think so!

[a large group of fighters find Slippy]

Slippy Toad: Hey! Leave me alone!

General Pepper: [seeing the damage bill, when over $70,000] Whaaaat?

Zoness Pirate: I can't see anything. Fire anyway.

Cornerian Boss: Wh-Who are you guys?

Fox McCloud: We're Star Fox!

Cornerian Boss: [Defiantly] You'll never defeat Andross!

Pigma Dengar: My beautiful reward! Argghh!

Slippy Toad: You're not getting away that easy!

[Fox shoots Slippy's target]

Slippy Toad: Hey! He was mine!

Falco Lombardi: [sarcastically to Fox driving the Landmaster tank] I think you look better in a tank.

Fox McCloud: Why don't you come down here, Falco?

Falco Lombardi: I'll pass, Fox.

[to himself]

Falco Lombardi: He can sure be a pain in the neck.

Andross: [after appearing to Fox as a giant floating brain] Only I have the brains to rule Lylat!

Fox McCloud: So Andross, you show your true form.

Andross: If I go down, I'm taking you with me!

Pigma Dengar: C'mon, little man! Shoot me!

Wolf O'Donnell: I... can't... loooose!

General Pepper: Impressive, Star Fox. Now watch out for enemies in the asteriod field.

Fox McCloud: I won't let you down, sir.

Andrew Oikonny: Stick to the pond, froggy.

Andross: Those tin cans are no match for me!

Andross: HA HA HA! YOU can never defeat me!

Fox McCloud: All aircraft report.

Slippy Toad: I thought I was a goner!

Falco Lombardi: We're always savin' your hide, Slip.

Peppy Hare: I'm sure he's learned his lesson.

Fox McCloud: When we get back, we'll head to Venom.

Fox McCloud: Open the wings.

[all open their wings on their ships]

Fox McCloud: Check your G-diffuser system.

Falco Lombardi: Falco here. I'm fine.

Peppy Hare: This is Peppy. All systems go.

Slippy Toad: Slippy here. I'm okay.

Fox McCloud: I see 'em up ahead! Let's rock and roll!

Slippy Toad: Things are starting to heat up!

Peppy Hare: Quit dinkin' around, Slip!

Fox McCloud: We're headin' into the asteriods.

General Pepper: Recover our base from the enemy army!

Fox McCloud: Roger, General.

General Pepper: Reports indicate that Andross is working on some secret weapon!

Fox McCloud: I'll check it out.

[repeated line]

R.O.B. 64: Location confirmed. Sending supplies.

R.O.B. 64: Slippy's ship is in the docking bay.

R.O.B. 64: Peppy's ship is in the docking bay.

R.O.B. 64: Maintenance complete on Falco's ship.

R.O.B. 64: Repairs complete on Peppy's ship.

Falco Lombardi: Oh, man, I'm gonna have to back off!

Peppy Hare: Sorry, guys, I've gotta sit this one out.

Slippy Toad: I'm monkey food if I don't leave!

Slippy Toad: [after Fox accidentally shoots him] What do you think you're doing, Fox?

Falco Lombardi: Pipe down, Slippy. Just hold on.

[Slippy still hangs on, trying to analyze the shield]

Falco Lombardi: Slippy, what're you doin'? Hurry up!

Wolf O'Donnell: Looks like *we* win today, Star Fox.

Pigma Dengar: I've got two words for you: LO-SER!

Pigma Dengar: That reward's as good as mine!

Pigma Dengar: I'm gonna bust you up reeeeeal good!

Meteo Boss: I'm no match for you. I admit defeat.

Meteo Boss: [after Fox defeats him] I can't believe I lost to this scum!

Fox McCloud: Sorry to jet, but I'm in a hurry!

Falco Lombardi: Ah, you're gettin' better, Fox.

Fox McCloud: [after successfully defeating Star Wolf] All aircraft report.

Slippy Toad: Hey, we made it!

Peppy Hare: Fox, take it easy!

Falco Lombardi: That was a close call, Fox!

General Pepper: What are you doing? It's too dangerous there!

Fox McCloud: I can't leave Slippy hangin'!

General Pepper: If you destroy the satellite, we can go straight for Venom! Be careful, Fox!

Fox McCloud: I'm on it.

Slippy Toad: I'm havin' some trouble here!

Slippy Toad: I'm fine, I'm fine!

Peppy Hare: I've taken a few hits, but I'm okay.

Peppy Hare: Everything's A-OK.

Slippy Toad: Hey, what's the big idea?

Peppy Hare: Doggone it!

Fox McCloud: [about to approach Andross's lair] I'll go it alone from here.

Slippy Toad: Fooooox!

General Pepper: [if the bill is less than $70,000] This is one steep bill, but it's worth it.

Peppy Hare: I won't let you get away from me!

[Fox shoots Peppy's enemy]

Peppy Hare: What's the big idea, Fox?

Falco Lombardi: Scratch one bogey!

[Fox shoots Falco's enemy]

Falco Lombardi: Go find your own target, Fox!

Narrator: Corneria. Fourth planet of the Lylat system. The evil Andross turned this once thriving system into a wasteland of near extinction. General Pepper of the Cornerian army was successful in exiling this maniacal scientist to the barren, deserted planet, Venom. Five years later, General Pepper noticed strange activity coming from Venom. James McCloud, Pigma Dengar, and Peppy Hare of the Star Fox team were sent to investigate. Upon their arrival, Pigma betrayed the team, and James and Peppy were captured by Andross. Peppy barely escaped Venom and returned home to tell James' son Fox about his father's fate. A few years have passed. Andross has again invaded the Lylat system. General Pepper has turned to a new Star Fox team headed by Fox McCloud to save Corneria and free the Lylat system, once again.

Fox McCloud: Okay guys, destroy all barriers.

Meteo Boss: [to Fox] You're more cunning than I thought.

[Fox shoots his shield, then it comes loose]

Meteo Boss: I underestimated you.

General Pepper: Fox, we're under attack! Help us out here!

Fox McCloud: I'm on my way!

Fox McCloud: Venom, here we come.

Wolf O'Donnell: Playtime is over Star Fox

Leon Powalski: I Think i'll torture you for a while

Pigma Dengar: Daddy screamed real good before he died

Andrew Oikonny: You'll be sorry you crossed us

Fox McCloud: Star Wolf again? Why now?

Katt Monroe: [after Fox shoots her] You trying to damage my pretty face?

Spyborg: That view is clear. Destroy. Destroy.

Falco Lombardi: Destroy what? He's crazy!

Hagrid: Who told you about Fluffy?

Ron: Fluffy?

Hermione: That thing has a name?

Dumbledore: It does not do to dwell on dreams, Harry, and forget to live.

Ron: It's spooky! She knows more about you than you do!

Harry: Who doesn't?

Mr. Ollivander: Curious... very curious...

Harry: Sorry, but what's curious?

Mr. Ollivander: I remember every wand I've ever sold, Mr. Potter. It so happens that the phoenix whose tailfeather resides in your wand gave another feather... just one other. It is curious that you should be destined for this wand when its brother gave you that scar.

Harry: And who owned that wand?

Mr. Ollivander: We do not speak his name! The wand chooses the wizard, Mr. Potter. It's not always clear why. But I think it is clear that we can expect great things from you. After all, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named did great things. Terrible! Yes. But great.

Hermione: Now if you two don't mind, I'm going to bed before either of you come up with another clever idea to get us killed - or worse, expelled.

Ron: She needs to sort out her priorities!

[about Fluffy]

Hagrid: I lent him to Dumbledore to guard the...

Harry: Yes?

Hagrid: Shouldn't have said that. No more questions, don't ask anymore questions!

Hagrid: [about Fluffy] Just play a bit of music and he falls straight asleep... I shouldn't have told you that!

[in the Devil's Snare]

Hermione: Stop moving, both of you. This is devil's snare! You have to relax. If you don't, it'll only kill you faster!

Ron: Kill us faster? Oh, now I can relax!

Hagrid: You're a wizard, Harry!

Harry: I'm a what?

Hermione: Harry, no way! You heard what Madam Hooch said. Besides, you don't even know how to fly!

[Harry ignores Hermione and he flies up]

Hermione: What an idiot!

Draco Malfoy: [picks up Neville's Rememberall] Did you see his face? Maybe if the fat lump had given this a squeeze, he'd have remembered to fall on his fat ass.

Hermione: You'll be okay, Harry. You're a great wizard. You really are.

Harry: Not as good as you.

Hermione: Me? Books and cleverness. There are more important things: friendship and bravery. And Harry, just be careful.

Hermione: Ron, you don't suppose this is going to be like... *real* wizard's chess, do you?

Ron: [looks around] You there, D5!

[one of the giant black pawns crosses the board, the white pawn smashes it with a violent blow]

Ron: [swallows] Yes, Hermione, I think this is gonna be *exactly* like wizard's chess.

Harry: I swear I don't know. One minute the glass was there and then it was gone. It was like magic.

Uncle Vernon: There's no such thing as magic!

Draco Malfoy: Think my name's funny, do you? No need to ask yours. Red hair... and a hand-me-down robe. You must be a Weasley.

Dumbledore: What happened down in the dungeon between you and Professor Quirrell is a complete secret. So, naturally, the whole school knows.

[about Every Flavor Beans]

Dumbledore: I was most unfortunate in my youth to come across a vomit-flavored one, and since then I'm afraid I've lost my liking for them. But, I think I could be safe with a nice toffee.

[eats it]

Dumbledore: Mm, alas, earwax.

Ron: Wingardium leviosar!

Hermione: Stop, stop, stop! You're going to take someone's eye out. Besides, you're saying it wrong. It's LeviOsa, not LeviosAR!

Hermione: Neville, I'm really, really sorry about this.

[raises her wand]

Hermione: Petrificus Totalus!

[Neville's arms snap to his sides, and he drops to the floor, frozen stiff as a board]

Ron: You're a little scary sometimes, you know that? Brilliant... but scary.

Hagrid: Dry up Dursley, you great prune!

Percy Weasley: And keep an eye on the staircases. They like to change.

Molly Weasley: [looks at Fred, hoping to get him onto platform 9 3/4] Fred, you next.

George Weasley: He's not Fred, I am!

Fred Weasley: Honestly, woman. You call yourself our mother.

Molly Weasley: [to Fred] Oh, I'm sorry, George.

Fred Weasley: [approaches the barrier] I'm only joking, I am Fred!

[runs through the barrier]

[deleted scene]

Hermione: Look at you playing with your cards. Pathetic! We've got final exams coming up soon.

Ron: I'm ready! Ask me any question.

Hermione: All right, what are the three most crucial ingredients in a Forgetfulness Potion?

Ron: I forgot.

Hermione: And what, may I ask, do you plan to do if this comes up in the final exam?

Ron: Copy off you?

Hermione: No, you won't! Besides, according to Professor McGonagall, we're to be given special quills bewitched with an anti-cheating spell.

Ron: That's insulting! It's as if they don't trust us!

[deleted scene]

Aunt Petunia: This is what you're going to be wearing when I finish dying it.

Harry: But that's Dudley's old uniform! It'll fit me like bits of old elephant skin.

[deleted scene]

Professor Severus Snape: For your information Potter, Asphodel and Wormwood make a sleeping potion so powerful it is known as the Draught of the Living Death, a Bezoar is a stone taken from the stomach of a goat and it will save you from most poisons. As for Monkshood and Wolfbane, they are the same plant which also goes by the name of Aconite. Well, why aren't you all copying this down?

[deleted scene]

Harry: Good of you to get us out of trouble like that.

Ron: Mind you, we did save her life!

Harry: Mind you, she might not have needed saving if you hadn't insulted her.

Ron: What are friends for?

[deleted scene]

Hagrid: Crikey, I'd love a dragon.

Harry: You'd like a dragon?

Hagrid: Vastly misunderstood beasts, Harry. Vastly misunderstood.

Professor Quirrel: Troll! In the dungeons!

[looks sick]

Professor Quirrel: Thought you ought to know.

[faints and crumples onto the floor]

Seamus Finnigan: I'm half and half. Me dad's a muggle; Mam's a witch. Bit of a nasty shock for him when he found out.

Draco Malfoy: It's true then, what they're saying on the train. Harry Potter has come to Hogwarts.

Caretaker Argus Filch: A pity they let the old punishments die. Was a time detention would find you hanging by your thumbs in the dungeons. God, I miss the screaming.

Oliver Wood: Scared, Harry?

Harry: A little.

Oliver Wood: That's all right. I felt the same way before my first game.

Harry: What happened?

Oliver Wood: I, uh, I don't really remember. I took a bludger to the head two minutes in. Woke up in hospital a week later.

Dudley Dursley: Daddy's gone mad hasn't he?

Professor McGonagall: Albus, do you really think it safe, leaving him with these people? I've watched them all day. They're the worst sort of Muggles imaginable. They really are...

Dumbledore: The only family he has.

Professor McGonagall: This boy will be famous. There won't be a child in our world who doesn't know his name.

Dumbledore: Exactly. He's far better off growing up away from all of that. Until he is ready.

Harry: I can't be a-a-a wizard. I mean, I'm just Harry, just Harry.

Ron: I'm Ron by the way, Ron Weasley.

Harry: I'm Harry. Harry Potter.

Ron: So... so it's true! I mean, do you really have the... the...

Harry: The what?

Ron: [in a hushed tone] The scar?

Harry: Oh.

[shows him the scar on his forehead]

Harry: Yeah.

Ron: Wicked!

Professor Severus Snape: There will be no foolish wand-waving or silly incantations in this class. As such, I don't expect many of you to appreciate the subtle science and exact art that is potion-making. However, for those select few...

[stares at Draco Malfoy]

Professor Severus Snape: Who possess, the predisposition... I can teach you how to bewitch the mind and ensnare the senses. I can tell you how to bottle fame, brew glory, and even put a stopper in death.

[notices Harry scribbling on his paper]

Professor Severus Snape: Then again, maybe some of you have come to Hogwarts in possession of abilities so formidable that you feel confident enough to not pay attention!

[steps over to Harry]

Professor Severus Snape: Mister Potter. Our new celebrity.

Neville Longbottom: [about his new Remembrall] Only problem is, I can't remember what I've forgotten.

Ron: I think we've had a bad influence on her.

[during the final chess game; Harry looks around at the board]

Harry: Wait a minute!

Ron: You see it, don't you, Harry? Once I make my move, the Queen will take me. Then you're free to check the King.

Harry: No. Ron, NO!

Hermione: What is it?

Harry: He's going to sacrifice himself.

Hermione: No, you can't, there must be another way!

Ron: Do you want to stop Snape from getting that stone or not?

[Hermione looks stunned]

Ron: Harry, it's you that has to go on, I *know* it. Not me, not Hermione, YOU.

[Harry takes a deep breath and nods]

Ron: [after a deep breath] Knight to H3.

[Ron and his horse advance to the next square. Ron breathes deep]

Ron: Check.

[The white Queen turns, advances slowly upon him, then draws her sword and plunges it into his horse, throwing him violently to the ground]

Harry: RON!

[Hermione makes as if to run to him]

Harry: [to Hermione] NO! DON'T MOVE! Don't forget - we're still playing.

[Harry moves three squares diagonally to his left and turns to face the King]

Harry: CHECKMATE.

Ron: Happy Christmas, Harry.

Dumbledore: It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to your enemies, but a great deal more to stand up to your friends.

Dumbledore: Only a person who wanted to find the Stone - find it, but not use it - would be able to get it. That is one of my more brilliant ideas. And between you and me, that is saying something.

Dumbledore: Also, our caretaker, Mr. Filch, has asked me to remind you that the third-floor corridor on the right-hand side is out of bounds to everyone who does not wish to die a most painful death.

Ron: [Harry and Ron arrive late to Transfiguration, relieved that Professor McGonagall isn't there yet] Whew, made it. Can you imagine the look on old McGonagall's face if we were late?

[the cat sitting at the head of the class suddenly transforms into her]

Ron: That was bloody brilliant!

Professor McGonagall: Well, thank you for that assessment, Mr Weasley. Perhaps it would be more useful if I were to transfigure Mr Potter and yourself into a pocket watch? That way, one of you might be on time.

Harry: We got lost.

Professor McGonagall: Then perhaps a map? I trust you don't need one to find your seats.

Ron: What do they think they're doing, keeping a thing like that locked up in a school?

Hermione: You don't use your eyes, do you? Didn't you see what it was standing on?

Ron: I wasn't looking at its feet! I was a bit preoccupied with its heads... or maybe you didn't notice? There were three!

[looking at a recently-hatched dragon]

Hagrid: Isn't he beautiful? Oh, bless him! Look! He knows his mummy! Hallo, Norbert!

Harry: Norbert?

Hagrid: Yeah, well, he's gotta have a name, don't he?

Ron: Immortal?

Hermione: It means you'll never die.

Ron: [angry] I know what it means!

Ron: Mental that one, I'm telling you.

[about the Bludgers]

Oliver Wood: Nasty little buggers.

Hagrid: You all right there, Harry? You seem very quiet.

Harry: He killed my parents, didn't he?

[puts a hand to his scar]

Harry: The one who gave me this?

[Hagrid is silent]

Harry: You know, Hagrid. I know you do.

[Hagrid sighs and pushes his bowl aside]

Hagrid: First - and understand this, Harry, 'cause it's very important - not all wizards are good. Some of them go bad. A few years ago there was one wizard that went as bad as you can go, and his name was V-

[sighs]

Hagrid: his name was V...

Harry: Maybe if you wrote it down...

Hagrid: Nah, I can't spell it. Alright

[whispers]

Hagrid: 'Voldemort'

Harry: [loudly] Voldemort?

Hagrid: Shhh! It was dark times, Harry, dark times. Voldemort started to gather some followers, brought 'em over to the dark side. Anyone who stood up to him ended up dead. Your parents fought against him, but nobody lived once he decided to kill them. Nobody... not one... 'cept you.

Harry: Me? Voldemort tried to kill... ME?

Hagrid: Yes. That ain't no ordinary cut on your forehead. A mark like that only comes from being touched by a curse, and an evil curse at that.

Harry: What happened to Vol- to You-Know-Who?

Hagrid: Well, some say he died. Codswallop in my opinion. Nope, I reckon he's still out there, too tired to carry on. But one thing's certain, something about you stumped him that night. That's why you're famous, Harry, that's why everybody knows your name. You're the boy who lived.

Voldemort: There is no good and evil. There is only power, and those too weak to seek it.

Harry: You! No, it can't be. Snape, he - he was the...

Professor Quirrel: Yes, he does seem the type, doesn't he? Why, next to him, who would suspect p-p-poor, st-st-stuttering Professor Quirrell?

Ron: Sunshine, daisies, butter mellow, turn this stupid, fat rat yellow!

Uncle Vernon: He will not be going, I tell you! We swore when we took him in we'd put a stop to all this rubbish!

Harry: You knew? You knew all along and you never told me?

Aunt Petunia: Of course we knew. How could you not be? My perfect sister being who she was. My mother and father were so proud the day she got her letter. "We have a witch in the family. Isn't it wonderful?" I was the only one to see her for what she was... a freak! And then she met that Potter. And then she had you, and I knew you would be the same. Just as strange, just as... abnormal. And then if you please, she went and got herself blown up, and we got landed with you.

Harry: Blown up? You told me my parents died in a car crash!

Hagrid: A car crash? A car crash kill Lily and James Potter?

Aunt Petunia: We had to say something.

Hagrid: It's an outrage! It's a scandal!

Uncle Vernon: He'll not be going!

Hagrid: Oh, and I suppose a great muggle like yourself's gonna stop him, are ya?

Dumbledore: Harry, do you know why Professor Quirrell couldn't bear to have you touch him?

[Harry shakes his head]

Dumbledore: It was because of your mother. She sacrificed herself for you, and that kind of act leaves a mark.

[Harry reaches up to touch his scar]

Dumbledore: No, no. This kind of mark cannot be seen. It lives in your very skin.

Harry: What is it?

Dumbledore: Love, Harry. Love.

[after being in the Dark Forest]

Harry: I think if he'd had the chance, he might've tried to kill me tonight.

Ron: And to think, I've been worrying about my potions final.

Professor McGonagall: [to Harry and Ron after beating the Mountain Troll] Five points... will be awarded to each of you.

[Ron and Harry smile at each other]

Professor McGonagall: For sheer dumb luck.

Fred Weasley: Well done, Harry. Wood's just told us.

Ron: Fred and George are on the team, too. Beaters.

George Weasley: Our job is to make sure that you don't get bloodied up too bad. Can't make any promises, of course. Rough game, Quidditch.

Fred Weasley: Brutal, but no one's died in years. Someone will vanish occasionally, but they'll turn up in a month or two!

Professor Severus Snape: What would three young Gryffindors such as yourselves be doing inside... on a day like this?

Hermione: Uh... well... we... we were just...

Professor Severus Snape: You ought to be careful. People will think you're...

[sees Harry staring at him]

Professor Severus Snape: Up to something.

Professor McGonagall: Nothing, I repeat, nothing gives a student the right to walk about the school at night. Therefore, as punishment for your actions, 50 points will be taken.

Harry: 50?

[Ron and Hermione also looking shocked, Draco smirking]

Professor McGonagall: Each.

[Harry's mouth drops open]

Professor McGonagall: And to ensure it doesn't happen again, all four of you will receive detention.

Draco Malfoy: [smirk suddenly fades and steps up] Excuse me, professor, perhaps I heard you wrong. I thought you said the four of us.

Professor McGonagall: No, you heard me correctly, Mr. Malfoy. You see, honorable as your intentions were, you too were out of bed after hours. You will join your classmates in detention.

[Hagrid's sad about Norbert being taken away]

Caretaker Argus Filch: For God's sake, pull yourself together man. You're going into the Forest after all. Got to have your wits about ya...

Draco Malfoy: The Forest? I thought that was a joke. We can't go in there. Students aren't allowed. And there are-

[a howling noise is heard]

Draco Malfoy: ... werewolves.

Caretaker Argus Filch: Oh, there's more than werewolves in those trees, lad. You can be sure of that. Nighty-night.

Harry: Excuse me sir, can you tell me where I might find Platform Nine and Three-Quarters?

Station Guard: Nine and Three-Quarters? Think you're being funny do ya?

[muttering to himself]

Station Guard: Nine and Three-Quarters!

[stepping over Neville lying on the floor, whom Hermione has petrified using the "Petrificus Totalus Curse"]

Harry: Sorry.

Hermione: Sorry.

Ron: It's for your own good, you know.

Ron: I look good!

Dudley Dursley: [on Dudley's birthday] How many are there?

Uncle Vernon: 36, counted them myself.

Dudley Dursley: 36! But last year, last year I had 37!

Uncle Vernon: Yes, yes, but some of them are quite a bit bigger than last year.

Dudley Dursley: I don't care how big they are!

Sorting Hat: Hmm, difficult. VERY difficult. Plenty of courage, I see. Not a bad mind, either. There's talent, oh yes. And a thirst to prove yourself. But where to put you?

Harry: Not Slytherin. Not Slytherin.

Sorting Hat: Not Slytherin, eh? Are you sure? You could be great, you know. It's all here in your head. And Slytherin will help you on the way to greatness, there's no doubt about that. No?

Harry: Please, please. Anything but Slytherin, anything but Slytherin.

Sorting Hat: Well if you're sure, better be... GRYFFINDOR!

[Hagrid has just very aggressively knocked down the door where the Dursleys are staying]

Hagrid: [Calmly] Sorry about that

[Picks door up and slams it back in place]

Sorting Hat: Ah! Another Weasley. I know just what to do with you... GRYFFINDOR!

[showing Harry the Golden Snitch]

Harry: I like this ball.

Oliver Wood: Ah, you like it now. Just wait. It's wicked fast, and damn near impossible to see.

Harry: What do I do with it?

Oliver Wood: You catch it, before the other team's seeker. You catch this, the game's over. You catch this, Potter, and we win.

Seamus Finnigan: Eye of rabbit, harp string hum, turn this water into rum.

[he checks the goblet, then tries again]

Seamus Finnigan: Eye of rabbit, harp string hum...

Harry: What's Seamus trying to do to that glass of water?

Ron: Turn it to rum. Actually managed a weak tea yesterday! Before...

[explosion]

Professor McGonagall: Are the rumors true, Albus?

Dumbledore: I'm afraid so, Professor. The good... and the bad.

Hermione: Honestly, don't you two read?

[Hagrid tells Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Draco to split into pairs and search the Dark Forest]

Draco Malfoy: Okay. Then I get Fang!

Hagrid: Fine. Just so you know, he's a bloody coward.

[after seeing Ron's queen destroy Harry's knight]

Hermione: That's totally barbaric!

Ron: That's wizard's chess.

Harry: Say, Percy, who's that teacher talking to Professor Quirrell?

Percy Weasley: Oh, that's Professor Snape, head of Slytherin House.

Harry: What's he teach?

Percy Weasley: Potions. But everyone knows it's the Dark Arts he fancies. He's been after Quirrell's job for *years*.

Draco Malfoy: You'll soon find out that some wizarding families are better than others, Potter. You don't wanna go making friends with the wrong sort. I can help you there.

[he holds out his hand, which Harry doesn't take]

Harry: I think I can tell the wrong sort for myself, thanks.

Nearly Headless Nick: Hello! How are you? Welcome to Gryffindor!

Seamus Finnigan: [in Charms class] Wingardium Leviosa. Wingard...

[BOOM]

Harry: [to Professor Flitwick] I think we're going to need another feather over here, Professor.

[in King's Cross]

Hagrid: What are you lookin' at?

[deleted scene]

Ron: [Neville comes hopping in, his legs apparently stuck together] Leg-Locker Curse?

Harry: Malfoy.

Ron: You have *got* to start standing up to people, Neville.

Neville Longbottom: [wobbling uncontrollably] How? I can barely stand at all!

Seamus Finnigan: [jumping up, wand at the ready] I'll do the counter-curse!

Neville Longbottom: No, that's all I need... you to set my bloody kneecaps on fire!

Seamus Finnigan: [slamming his wand down] I don't appreciate the insinuation, Longbottom. Besides, if anyone cares to notice, my eyebrows have completely grown back!

[stalks off angrily, showing a large chunk of hair missing from the back of his head]

Harry: I found him!

[hands Ron a Chocolate Frog card of Dumbledore]

Ron: 'Dumbledore is particularly famous for his defeat of the Dark Wizard Grindelwald in 1945-'

Harry: Go on.

Ron: '-for his discovery of the 12 uses of Dragon Blood, and his work on alchemy with his partner Nicolas Flamel!'

Harry: I knew the name sounded familiar, I read it on the train that day.

Hermione: [Beaming excitedly] Follow me!

[the Trio tears out of the Great Hall, leaving poor Neville still flailing around]

Neville Longbottom: Hey, wait, where are you going? What about the counter-curse?

[Before he can say another word he topples over backwards, sparking a fresh round of laughter from the other students]

George Weasley: [while sitting at the Gryffindor table, eating Christmas dinner] How do you like yours, Ron?

[Ron, however, keep glancing over at Harry, who is sitting far away from everyone else, staring into the fire, remembering the image of his parents from the Mirror of Erised]

George Weasley: Ron?

Ron: I'll be right back.

[puts his utensils down and goes to Harry]

Ron: Wanna play chess?

Harry: No.

Ron: Wanna go and visit Hagrid?

Harry: No.

Ron: I know what you're thinking Harry, but don't. There's something not right about that mirror.

[Harry merely nods in acknowledgement as Ron rejoins the other Gryffindors]

Ron: [mimicking Hermione] "It's Levi-OOOOH-sa not LevioSAR." She's a nightmare, honestly. It's no wonder she hasn't got any friends!

[Hermione comes up from behind them and pushes past Ron, in tears]

Harry: I think she heard you.

Ron: [looking for information about Nicholas Flamell] We've looked a hundred times.

Hermione: [leaning closer] Not in the restricted section. Happy Christmas.

Hermione: [putting a large book on the table] I checked this out weeks ago for a bit of light reading.

Ron: This is light?

Hagrid: If that dolt of a cousin of yours, Dudley, gives you any grief, you could always, um, threaten him with a nice pair of ears to go with that tail of his.

Harry: But, Hagrid, we're not allowed to do magic away from Hogwarts. You know that.

Hagrid: I do, but your cousin don't, do he?

[last lines]

Hermione: Feels strange to be going home, doesn't it?

Harry: [looking at Hagrid] I'm not going home. Not really.

[first lines]

Professor McGonagall: [as a cat] Mraow!

Dumbledore: I should have known that you would be here, Professor McGonagall.

[Professor McGonagall transfigures into her human self]

[after catching Harry scribbling on his paper]

Professor Severus Snape: Tell me, what would I get if I added powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood?

[Harry doesn't answer]

Professor Severus Snape: You don't know? Well, let's try again. Where, Mr. Potter, would you look if I asked you to find me a bezoar?

Harry: I don't know, sir.

Professor Severus Snape: And what is the difference between monkshood and wolfsbane?

Harry: I don't know, sir.

Professor Severus Snape: Pity. Clearly, fame isn't everything, is it, Mr. Potter?

Harry: [trying to get Neville's Rememberall] Give it here, Malfoy or I'll knock you off your broom!

Draco Malfoy: Is that so?

[Harry makes a grab for Malfoy but he moves]

Draco Malfoy: Have it your way then.

[Malfoy throws the Rememberall]

Hermione: You've got dirt on your nose, by the way. Did you know? Just there.

Hermione: Are you sure that's a real spell? Well, it's not very good, is it?

Draco Malfoy: Wait 'til my father hears about this! This is servant's stuff!

Harry: If I didn't know any better, Draco, I'd say you were scared.

Draco Malfoy: I'm not scared, Potter!

[howling noise]

Draco Malfoy: Did you hear that?

Harry: [calls the dog] Come on, Fang!

Dumbledore: Silence!

Voldemort: Harry Potter. We meet again.

Harry: Voldemort?

Voldemort: Yes. You see what I've become? See what I must do to survive? Live off another, a mere parasite! Unicorn blood can sustain me, but it cannot give me a body of my own. But there is something that can; something that, conveniently enough, lies in your pocket!

Hermione: [after Hermione and Harry sink in the Devil's Snare, Ron is still panicking] He's not relaxing, is he?

Harry: Apparently not.

Hermione: I've gotta do something!

Harry: What?

Hermione: Oh, I remember reading something in herbology... um...

Ron: Hel-!

Hermione: Devil's Snare, Devil's Snare..."It's deadly fun, but will sulk in the sun!" That's it! Devil's Snare hates sunlight! Lumos Solem!

[she conjures a type of sunlight from her wand; Ron falls to the ground below]

Harry: Ron, you okay?

Ron: Yeah.

Harry: Okay.

Ron: [sigh] Lucky we didn't panic.

Harry: Lucky Hermione pays attention in herbology.

Hagrid: [after telling Harry, Ron and Hermione how to get past fluffy] Oh! I shouldn't have said that.

Dimpled Woman on Train: Anything from the trolly, dears?

Ron: [Holding up his sandwiches] No thanks, i'm all set.

Harry: [Taking some coins out of his pocket] We'll take the lot!

Ron: Whoa!

Hermione: I'm Hermione Granger and you're Harry Potter!

[to Ron]

Hermione: And you are?

Ron: [with his mouth full] Ron Weasley.

Hermione: [frowning] Pleasure.

Professor Moody: The Goblet of Fire is an exceptionally powerful magical object. Only an exceptionally powerful Confundus charm could have hoodwinked it! Magic way beyond the talents of a fourth year.

Igor Karkaroff: You seem to have given this a fair bit of thought, Mad-Eye!

Professor Moody: It was once my job to think as Dark Wizards do, Karkaroff. Perhaps you remember.

Ron: [discussing inviting dates to the Yule Ball] This is mad! At this rate, we'll be the only ones in our year without dates! Well, us and Neville.

Harry: [laughing] Yeah, but then again he could take himself.

Hermione: It might interest you to know that Neville's already got someone.

Ron: What? Now I'm really depressed. Oi, Hermione... you're a girl.

Hermione: [haughtily] Very well spotted.

Ron: Come with one of us! It's one thing for a bloke to show up alone, but for a girl it's just sad.

Hermione: [angrily] I won't be going alone, because believe it or not, someone's asked me! And I said yes!

[exits]

Ron: Bloody hell. She's lying, right?

Harry: If you say so.

Cornelius Fudge: As Minister for Magic, it gives me great pleasure to welcome each and every one of you to the Finals of the 422nd Quidditch World Cup. Let the match begin!

Ron: Oh look, Mum's sent me something.

[pulls some frilly robes from the package]

Ron: Mum sent me a dress!

Harry: Well, it does match your eyes. Is there a bonnet?

[pulls out more lace]

Harry: Ah ha!

Ron: Nose down, Harry. Ginny, this must be for you.

Ginny: I'm not wearing that, it's ghastly.

Hermione: [laughing] They're not for Ginny, they're for you. Dress robes.

Ron: Dress robes? For what?

Harry: Why do they have to travel in packs? And how are you supposed to get one on their own to ask them?

[Stops in front of a group of girls, hesitates, then continues walking]

Ron: Blimey, Harry. You've slayed dragons. If you can't get a date, who can?

Harry: I think I'd take the dragon now.

Cedric Diggory: I realize I never really thanked you properly for tipping me off about those dragons.

Harry: Forget about it. I'm sure you would've done the same for me.

Cedric Diggory: Exactly. You know the Prefects' bathroom on the fifth floor? It's not a bad place for a bath. Just take your egg and... mull things over in the hot water.

Hermione: Harry, you told me you'd figured that egg out weeks ago! The task is two days from now!

Harry: [sarcastically] Really? I had no idea. I suppose Viktor's already figured it out.

Hermione: Wouldn't know. We don't actually talk about the tournament. Actually, we don't really talk at all. Viktor's more of a physical being.

[Harry laughs and Hermione blushes]

Hermione: I just mean he's not particularly loquacious. Mostly, he watches me study. It's a bit annoying, actually. You are trying to figure this egg out, aren't you?

Harry: What's that supposed to mean?

Hermione: It just means these tasks are designed to test you. In the most brutal way, they're almost cruel. And... I'm scared for you. You got by the dragons mostly on nerve. I'm not sure it's going to be enough this time.

[referring to Professor Moody]

Ron: Brilliant, isn't he? Completely demented, of course. Terrifying to be in the same room with him. But he's really been there, you know? He's looked evil in the eye!

Hermione: [darkly] There's a reason those curses are unforgivable.

Hermione: Look at this! I can't believe it, she's done it again!

[reading from the Daily Prophet]

Hermione: 'Miss Granger, a plain but ambitious girl, seems to be developing a taste for famous wizards. Her latest prey, sources report, is none other than the Bulgarian bon-bon Viktor Krum. No word yet on how Harry Potter's taking this latest emotional blow.'

Hermione: Victor's gone to get drinks. Would you care to join us?

Ron: No, we would not care to join you and *Victor*.

Hermione: What's got your wand in a knot?

Ron: He's from Durmstrang! You're fraternizing with the enemy!

Hermione: The enemy? Who was it wanting his autograph? Besides the whole point of the tournament is international magical cooperation. To make friends!

Ron: I think he's got a bit more than friendship on his mind. He's using you.

Hermione: How dare you! Besides, I can take care of myself!

Ron: Doubt it. He's way too old.

Hermione: What? That's what you think?

Ron: Yeah, that's what I think.

Hermione: You know the solution, then, don't you?

Ron: Go on.

Hermione: Next time there's a ball pluck up the courage to ask me before someone else does! And not as a last resort!

Ron: Well... that... that's completely off the point...

[after Harry almost dies in the First Task]

Ron: I reckon you'd have to be barking mad to put your own name in the Goblet of Fire.

Harry: [coldly] Caught on, have you? Took you long enough.

Ron: I wasn't the only one who thought you'd done it. Everyone was saying it behind your back.

Harry: [sarcastically] Brilliant. That makes me feel loads better.

Ron: At least I warned you about the dragons.

Harry: Hagrid warned me about the dragons.

Ron: No, I did! Don't you remember? I told Hermione to tell you that Seamus told me that Parvati told Dean that Hagrid was looking for you! Seamus never actually told me anything, so it was really me all along. I thought we'd be alright, you know, after you figured that out.

Harry: Who... who could possibly figure that out? It's completely mental.

Ron: Yeah... it is, isn't it. I suppose I was a bit distraught.

Harry: [smiles weakly]

Hermione: [in disbelief] Boys!

[about Krum]

Ron: Ruddy pumpkin head, isn't he?

Professor Snape: Potter, what's your hurry? Congratulations. Your performance in the Black Lake was inspiring. Gilllyweed, am I correct?

Harry: Yes sir.

Professor Snape: Ingenious. A rather rare herb, Gillyweed. Not something found in your everyday garden. Nor is this.

[holds up a bottle]

Professor Snape: Know what it is?

Harry: [sarcastically] Bubble juice, sir?

Professor Snape: Veritaserum. Three drops of this and You-Know-Who himself would spill his darkest secrets. The use of it on a student is, regrettably, forbidden. However, should you eve steal from my personal stores again, my hand might just slip over your morning pumpkin juice.

Harry: I haven't stolen anything.

Professor Snape: Don't lie to me! Gillyweed may be innocuous, but Boomslang skin? Lacewing flies? You and your little friends are brewing Polyjuice Potion, and believe me; I'm going to find out why!

[shuts the door in Harry's face]

Professor Moody: Alastor Moody. Ex-Auror, Ministry malcontent, and your new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. I am here because Dumbledore asked me. End of story, goodbye, the end! Any questions? When it comes to the Dark Arts I believe in a practical approach. But first, which of you can tell me how many Unforgivable Curses there are?

Hermione: Three, sir.

Professor Moody: And they are so named?

Hermione: Because they are unforgivable. The use of any one of them will...

Professor Moody: Earn you a one-way ticket to Azkaban. Correct. The Ministry says you are too young to see what these curses do. I say different! You need to know what you're up against. You need to be prepared...

[as he turns to the blackboard again, Seamus ducks under his desk]

Professor Moody: You need to find another place to put your chewing gum besides the underside of your desk, Mr. Finnegan!

Seamus: [whispering] No way, the old codger can see out of the back of his head!

Professor Moody: [throws a piece of chalk at him] And hear across classrooms!

Dumbledore: Do you know who I am? Do you?

Professor Moody: Albus Dumbledore.

Dumbledore: Are you Alastor Moody?

Professor Moody: ...no.

Professor Moody: What was it like? What was he like?

Harry: Who?

Professor Moody: The Dark Lord. What was it like to stand in his presence?

Harry: ...I dunno... It was like I'd fallen into one of my dreams. Into one of my nightmares.

Professor Moody: Were there others? In the graveyard, were there others?

Harry: ...I don't think I said anything about a graveyard, Professor.

Professor Moody: [mocking Hagrid] 'Marvelous creatures, Dragons, aren't they'. Do you think that miserable oaf would've sent you into the woods if I hadn't suggested it? Do you think Cedric Diggory would've told you to open the egg underwater if I hadn't told him first myself? Do you think Neville Longbottom, the witless wonder, could've provided you with Gillyweed if I hadn't given him the book that led him strait to it?

Harry: It was you from the beginning! You put my name into the Goblet of Fire! You bewitched Krum!

Professor Moody: You won because I made it so, Potter! You ended up in that graveyard because it was meant to be so! And now the deed is done! The blood that runs in your veins runs within the Dark Lord! Imagine how he will reward me when he learns that I have once and for all silenced the great Harry Potter!

Barty Crouch Junior: I'll show you mine if you show me yours.

Hermione: Harry? Is that you?

Harry: Yeah.

Hermione: How are you feeling? Ok? The key is to concentrate. After that, you just have to...

Harry: Battle a dragon.

Hermione: [gasps and starts hugging Harry. Then a camera flash breaks them apart]

Rita Skeeter: Young love! How... stirring. If everything goes unfortunately today, you two may even make the front page!

Viktor Krum: You have no business here! This tent is for champions, and friends.

Rita Skeeter: No matter. We got what we wanted.

Voldemort: The Boy-Who-Lived. How lies have fed your legend, Harry! Do you want to know what really happened thirteen years ago? Shall I divulge how I truly lost my powers? It was love. You see, when dear sweet Lily Potter gave her life for her only son, it provided him with the ultimate protection, I could not touch him. It was old magic, something I should have foreseen. But no matter, no matter, things have changed. I CAN TOUCH YOU... NOW!

[He places the pad of his finger on Harry's scar, and Harry immediately screams out in agony]

Voldemort: Astounding what a few drops of your blood will do, eh, Harry?

Harry: [after being Portkeyed away from the maze during the Third Task Harry suddenly realizes where they are] Cedric, we have to get back to the cup. NOW.

Cedric Diggory: What are you talking about?

Harry: [Flames burst beneath a huge stone cauldron as the door to a nearby house opens, revealing someone carrying a blanket-wrapped bundle. Harry drops to his knees, clutching his scar in agony] AAAAAGH!

Cedric Diggory: Harry, what is it?

Harry: Get back to the cup!

Cedric Diggory: [Cedric stands up, wand at the ready to defend both himself and Harry] Who are you, what do you want?

Voldemort: Kill the spare!

Peter Pettigrew: AVADA KEDAVRA!

Harry: NO! CEDRIC!

[Harry can only watch as Cedric is blasted off his feet and hits the ground behind him, dead]

Ron: Do you think we'll ever just have a quiet year at Hogwarts?

Hermione, Harry: No.

Ron: Yeah, didn't think so. Oh well, what's life without a few dragons?

Hermione: Everything's going to change now, isn't it?

Harry: Yes.

Hermione: Promise you'll write this summer, both of you.

Ron: Oh, I won't. You know I won't.

Hermione: Harry will, won't you?

Harry: Yeah, every week.

Hermione: Harry! Are you alright? You must be freezing! Personally, I think you behaved admirably.

Harry: I finished last, Hermione.

Hermione: [kisses him on the top of the head] Next to last. Fleur never got past 'ze grindylows'!

Neville: Oh my god! I've killed Harry Potter!

Ginny: [helping a speechless and queasy looking Ron into the common room] It's ok, Ron. It's alright. It doesn't matter.

Harry: What happened to you?

Ginny: He just asked Fleur Delacour out.

Hermione: What?

Harry: What did she say?

Hermione: No, of course.

[Ron shakes his head in pained embarrassment]

Hermione: She said yes?

Ron: Don't be silly. There she was, just walking by... you know how I like it when they walk... I couldn't help it... it just sort of slipped out!

Ginny: Actually, he sort of screamed at her. It was a bit frightening.

Harry: What did you do then?

Ron: What else? I ran for it!

Voldemort: Harry! I'd almost forgotten you were here, standing on the bones of my father. I'd introduce you, but rumor has it you're almost as famous as me these days.

Neville: Amazing! Amazing!

Harry: Neville, you're doing it again.

Professor McGonagall: This can't go on Albus. First the dark mark, now this?

Dumbledore: What do you suggest Minerva?

Professor McGonagall: Put an end to it! Don't let Potter compete!

Dumbledore: You heard Barty. The rules are clear.

Professor McGonagall: Well the devil with Barty and his rules! And since when did you accommodate the Ministry?

Professor Snape: Headmaster I too find it difficult to believe this mere coincidence, however, if we are to truly discover the meaning of these events, perhaps we should, for the time being, let them unfold.

Professor McGonagall: Do nothing? Offer him up as bait? Potter is a boy! Not a piece of meat!

Dumbledore: I agree with Severus. Alastor, keep an eye on Harry will you?

Professor Moody: I can do that.

Dumbledore: Don't let him know though, he must be anxious enough as it is, knowing what lies ahead. Then again, we all are.

Ron: [to Arthur Weasly] How far up are we, dad?

Lucius Malfoy: [from below] Well, put it this way. If it rains, you'll be the first to know.

Voldemort: [looking at Cedric's body] Awww, tsk, tsk, tsk...

[nudges Cedric's face with his foot]

Voldemort: Such a handsome boy.

Harry: Don't touch him!

Sirius Black: [in his letter] "Harry, I couldn't risk sending Hedwig. Since the World Cup the Ministry has been intercepting more and more owls, and she's too easily recognized. We need to talk, Harry, face to face. Meet me in the Gryffindor Common Room at one o'clock, this Saturday night. And make sure you're alone. Sirius. P.S...?

[the bird bites Harry's hand]

Harry: AH!

Sirius Black: "The bird bites."

[Professor McGonagall demonstrates a waltz with Ron as her partner]

Professor McGonagall: One-two-three, one-two-three...

Harry: [aside] You're never gonna let him forget this, are you?

Fred, George: [shaking their heads] Never.

Neville: What's wrong, Harry? You seem a little tense!

Harry: [through teeth] Do I?

Dumbledore: The Goblet of Fire! Anyone wishing to submit themselves to the tournament need only write their name upon a piece of parchment and throw it in the flame before this hour on Thursday night. Do not do so lightly! If chosen, there's no turning back. As from this moment, The Triwizard Tournament has begun!

Dumbledore: Eternal glory! That's what awaits the student who wins The Triwizard Tournament, but to this that student must survive three tasks. Three EXTREMELY DANGEROUS tasks.

Fred, George: Wicked!

Dumbledore: Your attention please. I'd like to say a few words. Eternal Glory. That is what awaits the Student who wins the TriWizard Tournament. But to do this the Student must survive three tasks. Three extremely dangerous tasks. To explain all this we have the Head of the Department of Inernational Magical Cooperation, Mr. Bartemus Crouch...

Hagrid: I take after my mum. Though I didn't know her very well, she left when I was about three. Broke my dad's heart, though. You know, he was a tiny little feller, my dad. I could pick him up at the age of six, with one hand, and put him up on the dresser.

[He and Olympe laugh]

Hagrid: He laughed so hard at that! And then he died, about when I started school. So I had to make my own way, so to speak... but enough about me. What about you?

Dumbledore: Well now that we're all settled in and sorted, I'd like to make an announcement. This castle will not only be your home this year but home to some very special guests as well. You see, Hogwarts has been chosen to host a legendary event: The TriWizard Tournament. The Tournament brings together three schools for a series of magical contests. From each school a single student is selected to compete. Now let me be clear. If chosen, you stand alone. And trust me when I say, these contest are not for the faint-hearted. But more of that later.

Barty Crouch Junior: [casting the Dark Mark into the night sky] Morsmordre!

Hermione: It's not going to work.

Fred: Oh yeah?

George: Why's that, Granger?

Hermione: You see this?

[gestures to a glowing circle on the floor]

Hermione: This is an age line. Dumbledore drew it himself.

Fred: So?

Hermione: So a genius like Dumbledore couldn't possibly be fooled by a dodge as pathetically dim witted as an ageing potion.

Fred: Ah, but that's why it's so brilliant!

George: Because it's so pathetically dim witted.

Professor Moody: What are you going to do about your dragon?

Harry: Oh... um... well, you know, I just thought I'd...

Professor Moody: Listen to me, Potter. Your pal Diggory? By your age he could turn a whistle into a watch and have it sing you the time. Miss Delacour is as much a fairy princess as I am. As for Krum, his head may be filled with sawdust, but Karkaroff's is not. They'll have a strategy. And you can bet that it will play to Krum's strengths. Come on, Potter, what are you strengths?

Harry: I dunno... I can fly, I mean I'm a fair flyer...

Professor Moody: Better than fair the way I heard it.

Harry: But I'm not allowed a broom.

Professor Moody: You're allowed a wand...

Seamus: It's not like I *try* to blow things up, exactly, it just sorta happens. You gotta admit though, fire is fascinating.

Voldemort: Don't you turn your back on me, Harry Potter! I want you to look at me when I kill you! I want to see the light leave your eyes!

Harry: [facing Voldemort] Have it your way!

Voldemort, Harry: [both shouting together] Avada Kedavara!/Expelliarmus!

[after the dragon has run into the teachers stand]

Fred: [yelling] Well done dragon!

Cornelius Fudge: For God's sake Dumbledore, what's happened?

Harry: [crying over Cedric's body] He's back! He's back! Voldemort's back! Cedric, he asked me to bring his body back. I couldn't leave him... not there!

Dumbledore: It's all right, Harry... it's all right. He's home, you both are.

Cornelius Fudge: [Rushing over to Professors Snape and McGonagall] Keep everybody in their seats, a boy has just been killed! The body must be moved, Dumbledore, there are too many people!

Amos Diggory: [Pushing his way frantically through the crowd] Let me through. LET ME THROUGH! Let me through, THAT'S MY SON! That's my boy!

[He pushes Harry's hands away and leans over Cedric's body, sobbing hysterically]

Amos Diggory: IT'S MY BOY!

Harry: Why are they all standing around that manky old boot?

Harry: Ron, where are we actually going?

Ron: Don't know...

[to Arthur]

Ron: Hey, Dad! Where are we going?

Arthur Weasley: Haven't the foggiest! Keep up!

Amos Diggory: Total shambles, as per usual.

Professor Moody: [points to a mirror in his office] That's my Foe-Glass. Lets me keep an eye on my enemies. When I see the whites of their eyes, it means they're right behind me.

[a trunk in the office rocks violently, and a low moan comes from inside]

Professor Moody: Wouldn't even bother to tell you what's in there, wouldn't believe me if I did.

[repeated line]

Dumbledore: At the sound of the cannon...

[cannon fires]

Malfoy: Why so tense, Potter? My father and I have a bet, you see. See, I don't think you're going to last ten minutes in this tournament. He disagrees. He thinks you won't last five!

Harry: I don't give a damn what your father thinks, Malfoy! He's vile and cruel, and you're just pathetic!

Harry: You're being stupid.

Ron: Yeah, that's me. Ron Weasley, Harry Potter's stupid friend!

Padma Patil: [to Ron] Don't you look... dashing.

Cedric Diggory: For a moment there, I thought you were going to let it get me.

Harry: For a moment there, so did I!

James Potter: Harry! When the connection is broken you MUST get to the Portkey. We can linger for a moment to give you some time but only a moment. Do you understand?

Cedric Diggory: Harry. Take my body back, will you? Take my body back to my father.

Lily Potter: Let go. Sweetheart, you're ready. Let go... LET GO!

[Moody takes a drink from his flask]

Seamus: What do you suppose he's got there?

Harry: I don't know, but I don't think it's pumpkin juice.

Harry: 'Come seek us where our voices sound'.

Hermione: The Black Lake, that's obvious.

Harry: 'An hour long you'll have to look'.

Hermione: Again, obvious. Though admittedly potentially problematic...

Harry: Potentially problematic? When was the last time you held your breath underwater for an hour, Hermione?

Dumbledore: No spell can reawaken the dead, Harry. I trust you know that. Dark and difficult times lie ahead. Soon we must all face the choice between what is right and what is easy.

Rita Skeeter: So tell me, Harry. Here you sit, a mere boy of 12...

Harry: - I'm 14...

Rita Skeeter: - about to compete against three students who are not only vastly more emotionally mature than yourself, but who've mastered spells that you wouldn't attempt in your dizziest daydreams. Concerned?

Harry: I dunno, I haven't really thought about it...

Rita Skeeter: Because you're no ordinary boy of 12 are you?

Harry: 14.

Rita Skeeter: Your story's legend. Do you think it was the trauma of your past that made you so keen to enter such a dangerous tournament?

Harry: No, I didn't enter.

Rita Skeeter: Of course you didn't.

[winks]

Rita Skeeter: Everyone loves a rebel, Harry. Speaking of your parents, were they alive, how do you think they'd feel? Proud? Or concerned that your attitude shows, at best, a pathological need for attention? The worst psychotic death wish.

[Harry glances at Rita's notes]

Harry: Hey, my eyes aren't glistening with the ghosts of my past!

Voldemort: My wand, Wormtail.

Harry: Dragons? That's the first task? You're joking!

Hagrid: Come on, Harry. They're seriously misunderstood creatures. Although, I have to admit, that Horntail is a right nasty piece of work. Poor Ron nearly fainted just seeing them, you know.

Harry: Ron was here?

Hagrid: Well sure. His brother Charlie had to bring them over from Romania. Didn't Ron tell you that?

Harry: No he didn't. He didn't tell me a thing.

Ron: [about Hermione] Why do you think she won't tell us who she's going to the ball with?

Harry: 'Cause she knows we'd take the mickey out of her if she did.

Neville: You know, if you're interested in plants, you should use Goshawk's Guide To Herbology. There's someone in Tibet who's growing gravity resistant trees...

Harry: Neville, no offense, but I really don't care about plants. Now, if there's a Tibetan turnip that will help me breathe underwater for an hour, great. But otherwise...

Neville: I don't know about turnips, but you could always use gillyweed.

Harry: You're sure about this, Neville?

Neville: Absolutely.

Harry: For an hour?

Neville: Most likely.

Harry: "Most likely?"

Neville: Well, there's some debate among herbologists about its effectiveness in fresh water as opposed to salt water...

Harry: You're telling me this *now*?

Ron: What are those?

Harry: My dress robes...

Ron: Well, those're all right! No lace, no dodgy little collar...

Harry: Well, I expect yours are more traditional...

Ron: Traditional? They're ancient! I look like my great aunt Tessie!

[takes a sniff in the underarm area]

Ron: I smell like my great Aunt Tessie!

Harry: [in the Prefects' Bathroom, looks at the Golden Egg with trepidation] I must be out of my mind.

[he opens it, and it emits its usual high-pitched squeal before he slams it shut]

Harry: I'm definitely out of my mind.

Moaning Myrtle: I'd try putting it in the water if I were you.

Harry: [startled] Myrtle!

Moaning Myrtle: Hello Harry! Long time no see! I was circling a blocked drain the other day, I could swear I saw a bit of Polyjuice Potion. Not being a bad boy again, are we?

Harry: Polyjuice Potion? Kicked the habit. Myrtle, did you say try putting it in the water?

Moaning Myrtle: That's what he did, the other boy. The handsome one. Cedric. Well go on, open it.

Harry: [opens the egg underwater]

Voice inside the egg: Come seek us where our voices sound, we cannot sing above the ground. An hour long you'll have to look to recover what we took.

Harry: Myrtle, there aren't Merpeople in the Black Lake, are there?

Moaning Myrtle: Oh, very good. It took Cedric ages to riddle it out. Almost all the bubbles were gone...

Barty Crouch Junior: Hello, father!

Barty Crouch: You are no son of mine...

Voldemort: I'm going to kill you, Harry Potter. I'm going to destroy you. After tonight, no one will ever again question my power. After tonight if they speak of you, they'll only speak of how you begged for death. And how I being a merciful Lord... obliged.

Harry: I didn't put my name in that cup! I don't want eternal glory, I just wanna be... look, I don't know what happened tonight and I don't know why. It just did.

Harry: In the graveyard, my wand and Voldemort's sort of... connected.

Dumbledore: Priori Incantatem.

Voldemort: Nagini tells me that the old Muggle caretaker is standing right outside the door. Step aside, Wormtail, so that I can give our guest a proper greeting. Avada Kedavra!

Professor McGonagall: Inside every girl is a swan, waiting to burst out in flight.

Ron: [whispering] Something is about to burst out of Eloise Midgen, but I don't think it's a swan.

Harry: I love magic.

Karkaroff's Aide: May I have your arm?

Parvati Patil: Arm, leg, I'm yours.

[repeated line]

Ron: Bloody hell!

Professor McGonagall: Professor Moody! What are you doing?

Professor Moody: Teaching.

Professor McGonagall: Teach - is that a student?

Professor Moody: Technically it's a ferret.

Ron: Piss off.

Hermione: Ron, you spoiled everything!

Hermione: Ronald would like me to tell you that Seamus told him that Dean was told by Parvarti that Hagrid's looking for you.

Harry: Is that right? Well... what?

Hermione: Uh... Dean was told by Parvarti... please don't ask me to say it again. Hagrid's looking for you.

Harry: Well you can tell Ronald...

Hermione: I'm not an owl!

Dumbledore: People change in the maze. Oh, find the cup if you can. But be very wary; you could just lose yourselves along the way.

[repeated line]

Parvati Patil, Padma Patil: Hi, Harry!

Sirius Black: I don't have much time, Harry, so let's get right to it. Did you or did you not put your name into the Goblet of Fire?

Harry: No!

Sirius Black: Shh. I had to ask. Now tell me about this dream of yours. You mentioned Wormtail and Voldemort, but who was the third man in the room?

Harry: I dunno.

Sirius Black: You didn't hear a name?

Harry: No. Voldemort was giving him a job to do. Something important.

Sirius Black: And what was that?

Harry: He wants... me. I don't know why, but he was going to use this man to get to me. But, I mean, it was only a dream, right?

Sirius Black: Yes... it's just a dream. Look, Harry, the Death Eaters at the world cup; your name rising out of the Goblet of Fire; these are not just coincidences! Hogwarts isn't safe anymore.

Harry: What are you saying?

Sirius Black: I'm saying the devils are inside the walls. Igor Karkaroff. He was a Death Eater and no one, *no one* stops being a Death Eater. Then there's Barty Crouch. Heart of stone, sent his own son to Azkaban.

Harry: Do you think one of them put my name in the Goblet?

Sirius Black: I haven't a clue who put your name in the Goblet, Harry, but whoever did is no friend to you. People die in this tournament.

Harry: I'm not ready for this, Sirius!

Harry: You don't have a choice

Parvati Patil: [turns around and sees Hermione] She looks beautiful.

Harry: [staring at Cho] Yes, she does.

Dumbledore: Harry, feel free to treat yourself to a licorice snap. But be careful, they're a wee bit sharp.

Harry: I just wondered if...

[bird squawks loudly in the background]

Harry: Ijustwanderedifmaybeyouwantedtogototheballwithme!

Cho Chang: Sorry, I didn't catch that.

Harry: I was just wondering if maybe you wanted to go to the ball with me...

Cho Chang: Oh.

[Suddenly looking very uncomfortable]

Cho Chang: Harry, I'm sorry but someone's already asked me. And well, I've, I've said I'll go with him.

Harry: Okay, great, good, fine, great, no problem.

[turns to head into the Owlery]

Cho Chang: Harry! I really am... sorry.

[manages a weak, embarrassed smiled as she descends the staircase]

Dumbledore: Curiosity is not a sin, Harry. However, from time to time, you should exercise caution.

Dumbledore: [to Harry] I never liked these curtains. I set them on fire in my fourth year. Accidentally, of course.

[first lines]

Frank Bryce: Bloody kids!

Voldemort: You've been taught how to duel, I presume? First we bow to each other

[Voldemort bows, Harry does not]

Voldemort: Come now, Harry, the niceties must be observed. Dumbledore would not want you to forget your manners. I said, "Bow."

[uses a curse to make Harry bow]

Professor McGonagall: Now, Mr. Weasley, place your right hand on my waist.

Ron: Where?

Rita Skeeter: This is cozy.

Harry: It's a broom cupboard.

Rita Skeeter: Well you should feel right at home, then.

Arthur Weasley: Get out of the kitchen, Ron! Everybody's hungry!

George, Fred: [together] Get out of the kitchen!

Arthur Weasley: [to the twins] Feet off the table!

George, Fred: [together] Feet off the table!

[put feet back on the table]

Professor McGonagall: The house of Godric Gryffindor has commanded the respect of the wizarding world for nearly ten centuries. I will not have you, in one night, besmirching that name by behaving like a babbling, bumbling band of baboons!

Fred: [whispering to George] Try saying that five times fast.

George: [whispering] Babbling, bumbling band of baboons.

Fred: [whispering] Babbling, bumbling band of baboons.

Ron: There's no one like Krum! He's like a bird the way he rides the wind! He's more than an athlete! He's an artist.

Ginny: I think you're in love, Ron.

Ron: Shut up!

George: [grabs one of Ron's hands and begins singing] Victor, I love you!

Fred: [grabs Ron's other hand] Victor, I do!

George, Fred, Harry: When we're apart my heart beats only for you!

Seamus: Blimey! That's one big woman.

[after getting his kiss from Fleur]

Ron: Merci...

Professor Moody: Stupid ceiling.

Harry: What's with the flower? Hagrid... have you combed your hair?

Hagrid: 'S a matter of fact I have. You might want to try the same thing now and again.

Professor McGonagall: Mr. Potter, are you and Miss Patil ready?

Harry: Ready, Professor?

Professor McGonagall: To dance! It's tradition that the three champions-well in this case four- are the first to dance. Surely I told you?

Harry: No.

Professor McGonagall: Oh, well, now you know.

Malfoy: [after Moody humilates him by turning him into a ferret and bouncing him up and down] My father will hear about this!

Professor Moody: Is that a threat?

[He steps forward, and Malfoy runs around the tree, Moody following]

Professor Moody: Is that a threat? Is that a threat?

[Malfoy flees]

Professor McGonagall: Professor Moody! Professor!

Professor Moody: [yelling after him ] I could tell you stories about your father that would curl even your greasy hair, boy!

Professor McGonagall: Alastor!

Professor Moody: It doesn't end here!

Professor McGonagall: Alastor, we never use transfiguration as a punishment. Surely Dumbledore told you that?

Professor Moody: He might have mentioned it.

Professor McGonagall: Well then. Do well to remember it!

[She stalks off, and Moody makes a face at her retreating back]

Peter Pettigrew: Bone of the father, unwillingly given.

[adds old bone to cauldron]

Peter Pettigrew: Flesh of the servant, willingly sacrificed.

[cuts off hand which drops into cauldron]

Peter Pettigrew: Blood of the enemy, forcibly taken.

[cuts Harry's arm and adds blood to cauldron]

Peter Pettigrew: The Dark Lord shall rise again!

Dumbledore: Today we acknowledge a really terrible loss. Cedric Diggory was, as you all know, exceptionally hard working, infinitely fair-minded, and most importantly, a fierce, fierce friend. Therefore, I feel you have the right to know exactly how he died. You see, Cedric Diggory was murdered, by Lord Voldemort. The Ministry of Magic does not wish me to tell you this. But not to do so I feel would be an insult to his memory. Now the pain we all feel at this dreadful loss reminds me, and, reminds us, that though we may come from different countries and speak in different tongues, our hearts beat as one. In light of the recent events, the bonds of friendship made this year will be more important than ever. Remember that, and Cedric Diggory will not have died in vain. You remember that, and we'll celebrate a boy who was kind, and honest, and brave, and true. Right to the very end.

Voldemort: [after the Death Eaters have Apparated to the graveyard] Welcome, my friends. Thirteen years it's been, and yet, here you stand as if it were only yesterday. I confess myself... disappointed. Not one of you tried to find me...

[running around and angrily ripping masks off several followers]

Voldemort: Crabbe! Macnair! Goyle! Not even you, Lucius.

Lucius Malfoy: [sinking to the ground] My Lord, had I detected any sign... a whisper of your whereabouts...

Voldemort: Oh there were signs, my slippery friend, and more than whispers.

Lucius Malfoy: I assure you, my Lord, I have never renounced the old ways. The face I have been obliged to present since your... absence...

[removes his hood]

Lucius Malfoy: That is my true mask.

Igor Karkaroff: [a highly agitated Karkaroff is following Snape around outside the Yule Ball as Snape patrols through the carriages parked on the grounds] It's happening again, like before, and soon neither you nor anyone else will be able to deny it.

Professor Snape: I've told you already Igor, I see no reason to discuss it.

[notices one carriage that is definitely occupied and blasts the door open with his wand, shooing out the students]

Professor Snape: Lumos! Ten points from Hufflepuff, Fawcett, and the same from Ravenclaw, Stebbins.

Igor Karkaroff: It's a sign, Severus, you know it is.

Professor Snape: Sorry, I don't know what you're talking about.

Igor Karkaroff: Really? Then perhaps you wouldn't mind rolling up your sleeve them, huh?

[reaches for Snape's left arm, which Snape quickly pulls out of his way]

Igor Karkaroff: You don't fool me, Severus. You are scared. Admit it!

Professor Snape: I have nothing to be scared of, Igor. Can you say the same?

[the Trio sits around the fireplace in the Gryffindor Common Room, digesting the murder of Barty Crouch, Sr. that has just taken place]

Ron: They'll cover this up, you watch. Fudge'll sell his soul before this gets out in the Daily Prophet.

Harry: But why?

Ron: Look, nobody liked Crouch. I know this from my father. Loads of people wanted him dead. But, he was a Ministry Official. It's not even like he turned up stiff in Knockturn Alley. He was murdered at Hogwarts. This is a big deal.

Hermione: It can't be coincidence... Harry's dreams, his scar hurting, the Dark Mark, his name coming out of the Goblet of Fire. Surviving the Tournament isn't the answer anymore Harry. It's bigger than this. And I really think you should go to Dumbledore.

Ron: Yeah.

Ron: What do you suppose is on Karkaroff's arm?

Harry: I dunno.

Hermione: Boomslang skin and Lacewing flies... you're sure those are the two ingredients Snape mentioned?

Harry: Positive, why?

Hermione: Well, he thinks we're brewing Polyjuice Potion doesn't he?

Harry: I don't care what Snape thinks, I've got bigger problems than detention. Something's coming closer.

[touches his stinging scar]

Harry: I can feel it.

Dumbledore: Hogwarts, let's entertain our friends in the best way we can, all stand!

[the entire student body stands up as one]

Dumbledore: Maestro, if you will!

[Professor Flitwick and Dumbledore both begin conducting the students as they sing the school song]

Hogwarts student body: 'Hogwarts, Hogwarts, Hoggy warty Hogwarts, teach us something please. Whether we be old and bald or young with scabby knees. Our heads could do with filling with some interesting stuff, for now they're bare and full or air, dead flies and bits of fluff!'

[as they are singing, the Durmstrang and Beauxbatons students merely stare, as if they can't believe what they are seeing/hearing]

Barty Crouch: Chinese Fireball! Ooooo!

Arthur Weasley: [after the trio is nearly hit by several Stunning Spells] Stop! That's my son!

[he runs up to the kids]

Arthur Weasley: Ron, Harry, Hermione are you alright?

Ron: We came back for Harry.

Barty Crouch: [Whipping out his wand and pointing it threateningly between the three kids] Which of you conjured it?

Arthur Weasley: Barty, you can't be serious...

Barty Crouch: DO NOT LIE! You have been discovered at the scene of the crime!

Harry: Crime?

Arthur Weasley: Barty, they're just kids.

Harry: What crime?

Hermione: It's the Dark Mark, Harry. It's HIS Mark.

Harry: [glances up at the huge skull and snake in the air] Voldemort? Those people, in the masks, they're his too aren't they? His followers.

Arthur Weasley: Death Eaters.

Barty Crouch: [to the rest of the Ministry Wizards] Follow me.

Harry: Uh, there was a man, earlier.

[he points in the direction where he saw Crouch, Jr]

Harry: There.

Barty Crouch: All of you, this way!

Arthur Weasley: A man, Harry? Who was he?

Harry: I don't know. I didn't see his face.

George: Ready Fred?

Fred: Ready George!

George, Fred: Bottoms up!

[they drink the ageing potion together]

[referring to the mayhem at the World Cup and the Dark Mark]

Hermione: This is horrible! How can the ministry not know who conjured it? Wasn't there any security?

Ron: Loads, according to Dad. That's what worries them so much. It happened right under their noses.

Rita Skeeter: What a charismatic quartet! Hello, I'm Rita Skeeter. I write for the daily prophet. But, of course, you know that, don't you? It's you we don't know. You're the juicy news. What quirks lurk beneath those rosy cheeks? What mysteries do the muscles mask? Does courage lie beneath those curls? In short, what makes a champion tick? Me, myself and I want to know. Not to mention my ravid readers. So, who's feeling up to sharing? Shall we start with the youngest? Lovely.

Harry: Dragons, that's the first task. They've got one for each of us.

Cedric Diggory: Are you serious? And Fleur and Krum, do they...?

Harry: Yes.

Cedric Diggory: Right. Hey, listen, about the badges. I've asked them not to wear them...

Harry: Don't worry about it.

Harry: You're a right foul git, you know that?

Ron: You think so?

Harry: I know so!

Ron: Anything else?

Harry: Yeah, stay away from me!

Ron: Fine.

Hermione: Your wand, Harry! Your wand!

Fred: We knew you wouldn't die, Harry!

George: Might lose a leg.

Fred: Or an arm.

George: But pack it in all together?

Fred, George: Never!

Padma Patil: Is that Hermione Granger with Viktor Krum?

Ron: No. Absolutely not.

Hagrid: I remember when I first met you all. Biggest bunch of misfits I ever set eyes on! You reminded me of myself a little. And here we all are, four years later.

Ron: We're still a bunch of misfits.

Hagrid: Well maybe. But you've all got each other. And Harry of course, soon to be THE YOUNGEST TRI-WIZARD CHAMPION THERE'S EVER BEEN! HOORAY!

Professor Moody: So, what curse shall we see first? Weasley!

Ron: [scared] Yes?

Professor Moody: Stand!

[Ron does]

Professor Moody: Give us a curse.

Ron: Well... my dad did tell me about one. The Imperius Curse?

Professor Moody: Oh, yeah, your dad would know all about that one. Gave the Ministry a lot of trouble at one time. Perhaps this will show you why.

[opens a jar full of spiders and picks one out]

Professor Moody: Hello, my little beauty! Engorgio.

[the spider grows to a huge size]

Professor Moody: Imperio!

[the spider begins hopping around the room, onto student's clothes, faces, etc. Everyone starts laughing]

Professor Moody: Don't worry, she's completely harmless! If she bites... she's lethal!

[laughs with everyone]

Professor Moody: Talented, isn't she? What shall I have her do next? Jump out the window?

[the spider jumps toward the window, which is closed, and slams into the glass. Everyone stops laughing at once]

Professor Moody: Drown herself?

[the spider jumps to a pail of water and poises on the rim, ready to dive. Then he brings her back to his arms]

Professor Moody: Scores of wizards and witches claimed that they only did You-Know-Who's bidding under the effects of the Imperius Curse. But here's the rub... how do we sort out the liars?

[Moody walks to Hermione's desk and places the spider in front of her]

Professor Moody: Perhaps you'd like to give us the last curse, Miss Granger?

[tears swimming in her eyes, Hermione shakes her head vigorously]

Professor Moody: No?

[pause]

Professor Moody: AVADA KEDAVRA!

[with a flash of green light, the spider lets out one final squeak, then stops moving. Hermione cannot even look]

Professor Moody: The Killing Curse. Only one wizard is known to have survived it. And he's sitting in this room.

[he stands in front of Harry]

Dumbledore: Send a message to Azkaban. I think they'll find they're missing a prisoner.

Barty Crouch Junior: [gloating] I'll be welcomed back like a hero!

Dumbledore: Perhaps. Personally, I've never had much time for heroes.

Professor Moody: Let's have another curse. C'mon, c'mon.

[Neville's hand slowly goes up, and Moody calls on him]

Professor Moody: Longbottom, isn't it? Professor Sprout tells me you have an aptitude for Herbology.

Neville: Th-there's um... the Cruciatus Curse.

Professor Moody: Correct! Correct! Particularly nasty.

[he leads Neville up to his desk and puts the spider down in front of him]

Professor Moody: The torture curse. CRUCIO!

[the spider begins to squeak and writhe in pain. Neville flinches, almost unable to watch as the spider continues to curl itself up in agony]

Hermione: Stop it! Can't you see it's bothering him? STOP IT!

[Moody lifts the curse, and again palms the spider. Neville is left standing at the desk, looking shell-shocked]

George: Four People will go down...

Fred: But will four come up?

Ginny: Why do have to be so mean?


	10. Chapter 9 Epilogue

Nathan Drake: [Bleeding from a wound] Yep, that's my blood... that's a lot of my blood...

Harry Flynn: [Drake is hanging from a ledge, just under a walkway] There's a guy above you, there's a guy above you!

[Drake reaches up and grabs the guard, pulling him off of the walkway and into the water far below]

Harry Flynn: There's a guy below you, there's a guy below you!

Nathan Drake: Great, power's out, and a girl's trapped. I swear to God, if there's a Zombie around the next corner...

Nathan Drake: Woah! Don't you assholes see the helicopter. I got enough trouble allready!

Nathan Drake: Oh no I don't like that noise!

Elena Fisher: Elena Fisher. Last year's model.

Chloe Frazer: Just dance with the one who brought you, alright?

Victor Sullivan: I'm sweating like a hooker in church!

Nathan Drake: You took a hooker to church?

Harry Flynn: Well, look at you. Victor 'goddamn' Sullivan.

[to Nate]

Harry Flynn: You still dragging this tired old sack of shit around?

[Nate moves toward Flynn but is halted by Sully]

Victor Sullivan: Easy, Nate

Harry Flynn: That's pretty ballsy for a guy who's spent the last three months behind bars.

Nathan Drake: Better than pissing away three months in the jungle without a clue.

Harry Flynn: Found the ships though, didn't I?

Nathan Drake: You couldn't find your ass with both hands.

Victor Sullivan: ...and a map.

Karl Schafer: You were right!

Nathan Drake: About what?

Karl Schafer: Everything you touch, does turn to shit!

Chloe Frazer: [Chloe covers her nose after entering filthy jail cell] Dear God!

Nathan Drake: [sarcastically] Oh no, its not that bad. Look, I have my own bucket!'

Zoran Lazarevic: [Drake takes a soldier hostage, points gun at him] Are you a student of history, Mr. Drake?

Nathan Drake: I've read a book or two.

Zoran Lazarevic: Genghis Khan. Hitler. Stalin. Pol Pot. They were all great men. But do you know why they prevailed?

Nathan Drake: I'm sure you're gonna tell us.

Zoran Lazarevic: Because they had the will to do what other men would not.

[shoots the hostage in the head]

Zoran Lazarevic: Compassion is the enemy. Mercy defeats us. Now, unless you wish to test me still further, you will DROP YOUR WEAPONS!

Nathan Drake: [pause] Do it.

[they drop their guns]

Zoran Lazarevic: Kick them away.

[they do]

Zoran Lazarevic: So. You have tested my will. Now it is my turn to test yours. Bring her in!

[Flynn brings Chloe in]

Nathan Drake: Shit.

Nathan Drake: [Nate is swinging across the temple ceiling as Chloe watches below] Alright. Eh, c'mon. Admit it - you're impressed

Chloe Frazer: I am. I'll throw you a banana

Chloe Frazer: The files are in his tent, and his tent is in the middle of the camp. It's like an armed compound, there are soldiers everywhere.

Nathan Drake: Well, that's why it has to be an inside job. From someone they know and trust.

Chloe Frazer: Oh, okay, I see where this is going.

Nathan Drake: I'll just need a diversion. You give me five minutes in that tent, that's all it'll take.

Chloe Frazer: Really, five minutes? Well, that's great, I won't even have to get my top off.

Nathan Drake: Chloe, I was thinking more like an explosion.

Chloe Frazer: Or that... Can be arranged.

[Drake's hanging from a ledge]

Elena Fisher: Ya hangin' in there?

Nathan Drake: Yeah, cute.

Chloe Frazer: The files are in his tent, and his tent is in the middle of the camp. It's like an armed compound, there are soldiers everywhere.

Nathan Drake: Well, that's why it has to be an inside job. From someone they know and trust.

Chloe Frazer: Oh, okay, I see where this is going.

Nathan Drake: I'll just need a diversion. You give me five minutes in that tent, that's all it'll take.

Chloe Frazer: Really, five minutes? Well, that's great, I won't even have to get my top off.

Nathan Drake: Chloe, I was thinking more like an explosion.

Chloe Frazer: Or that... Can be arranged.

Nathan Drake: Tenzin! RPG? RPG! What's Tibetan for RPG?

Nathan Drake: Y'know, people are always telling me how lucky I am. But the truth is, everything I touch turns to shit.

Karl Schafer: You were right.

Nathan Drake: About what?

Karl Schafer: Everything you touch does turn to shit.

[Drake and Elena are climbing a cliff]

Nathan Drake: Nice view.

[Elena sighs]

Elena Fisher: Men.

Nathan Drake: No no, I was talking about the mountains. Really.

Chloe Frazer: Tell me something, Nate.

Nathan Drake: What?

Chloe Frazer: Do you love her?

Nathan Drake: Chloe, I'm sorry. I...

Chloe Frazer: No, it's fine. Really, it's alright. Just do yourself a favour, cowboy. Tell her.

Nathan Drake: Chloe...

Chloe Frazer: No...

[Chloe pats Drake on his cheek]

Chloe Frazer: My turn to walk away. But admit it. You're gonna miss this ass.

Nathan Drake: Well, look who's not supposed to be out of bed.

Victor Sullivan: Yeah, she's a lousy patient. Stubborn as all hell.

Elena Fisher: I'm not stubborn, I'm just restless.

Victor Sullivan: So, no giant sapphire.

Nathan Drake: Once again, no.

Victor Sullivan: And you're sure of that?

Elena Fisher: Yes.

Nathan Drake: Just a metaphor, I'm afraid.

Victor Sullivan: A metaphor ain't gonna pay your bills, kid.

Nathan Drake: Eh, something else will come along. Just gotta have faith.

Victor Sullivan: Yeah, that and a quarter'll get you twenty-five cents. Um, which way did Chloe go?

[Drake points in the direction]

Victor Sullivan: See ya later.

Elena Fisher: Oh, no.

Nathan Drake: You're a dirty old man, Sullivan.

Victor Sullivan: Uh-huh.

Elena Fisher: So, where do we go from here, huh?

Nathan Drake: I don't know.

[Drake kisses Elena]

Nathan Drake: I haven't thought that far ahead.

Elena Fisher: Of course not. But then again, neither have I.

Nathan Drake: Good.

Nathan Drake: Hey, how'd you find me.

Victor Sullivan: Well, a friend of yours asked for my help.

Chloe Frazer: [entering the scene] Hello, Nate.

Nathan Drake: [looking at Chloe with a scared expression] Oh no. NO.

Victor Sullivan: Now, wait a second.

Nathan Drake: [stepping backwards] Sully, kick her out and shut the door. We're safer in here.

Chloe Frazer: [sighs] Seems like I am always saving your arse.

Nathan Drake: Well, it is an ass worth saving.

Chloe Frazer: [Chloe leaps into Nate's arms and he twirls her around, chuckling] Oh. Is that an ancient Tibetan ritual dagger in your pocket?

Nathan Drake: Maybe I'm just happy to see you.

Chloe Frazer: Hmmm

[Nate sets her down and Chloe grabs the Tibetan dagger out of of Nate's pants]

Nathan Drake: Hello!

Nathan Drake: Alright. They're about to take this show on the road, so we're gonna have to move fast. Now I'm going down there alone...

Elena Fisher: Nate.

Nathan Drake: Wait, wait, wait. Just listen, you never listen. Meanwhile, you're gonna go over there and snag us one of those nice looking...

Elena Fisher: 4x4's.

Nathan Drake: 4x4's. You're gonna be the wheel man. I'll sneak in and grab Chloe, you come in right behind us...

Elena Fisher: With the getaway car.

Nathan Drake: ...with the getaway car.

Elena Fisher: Got it. Got it?

Nathan Drake: I got it.

Elena Fisher: Go.

Nathan Drake: Now all we have to do is get up to that window.

Harry Flynn: Which window? There's a lot of bloody windows!

Nathan Drake: In like Flynn.

Harry Flynn: What?

Nathan Drake: In like Flynn, get it?

Harry Flynn: ...

Nathan Drake: Just give me a boost!

Harry Flynn: Ladies first.

[to Drake]

Nathan Drake: [laughs lightly] Cute.

Harry Flynn: [Pulling Drake up] You're heavy!

Nathan Drake: Whew, shit! That was close.

Harry Flynn: You need to stop eating donuts...

Elena Fisher: So... On a scale of 1 to 10, how scared were you that I was gonna die?

Nathan Drake: ...4.

Elena Fisher: 4 ?

Nathan Drake: Yeah. Why? 4.

Elena Fisher: A 4... You were at least an 8.

Nathan Drake: 8?

Elena Fisher: You were a total 8.

Nathan Drake: An 8? Those guardian things were an 8...

Elena Fisher: Are you kidding me?

Nathan Drake: Yeah, those were terrifying.

Elena Fisher: Then what's a 10?

Nathan Drake: ...Clowns...

Elena Fisher: ...CLOWNS? Over my DEATH?

[Nathan answers: I... Hate clowns. I hate clowns. And Elena asks again over Nathans voice: CLOWNS...?]

Elena Fisher: My word... You thought I was dead.

[Argument both speaking at the same time about Nathan thinking Elena was dead]

Elena Fisher: Yes. Yes you did, I saw you shed tears.

[Argument stops]

Elena Fisher: You shed a bunch of them.

Nathan Drake: Tears?

Elena Fisher: Hmm, hmm.

Nathan Drake: It was raining.

Elena Fisher: [with a sarcastic laugh] No, it was not...

Nathan Drake: You were unconscious and it was RAIning...

Elena Fisher: [sarcastic laugh] It was totally sunny out, you were balling...

Nathan Drake: No it wasn't sunny, you were unconscious!

Elena Fisher: Whatever... I kept your tears in a jar. I have proof.

Nathan Drake: I'll give you 5. How's that?

Nathan Drake: [to Tenzin after he finds a grappling hook in the cave and attempts to hook it] Yeah, good luck pal, that's almost impossible to- oh, you did it. Nice.

Prince Dastan: You enjoy telling me what to do.

Tamina: Only because you're so good at following orders.

Prince Dastan: Don't press your luck.

Tamina: Dastan, where's the dagger?

Prince Dastan: You're welcome to search me for it. You'll have to be very thorough.

Prince Dastan: [noticing the sand dervishes have been following them] We have to get out of here.

Tamina: That's impossible.

Prince Dastan: Difficult, not impossible.

Bis: Oh so you won't be happy until you get us all killed.

Prince Dastan: Oh, wonderful speech, Bis. Rousing!

Tamina: All the pain in the world will not help you find something that does not exist.

Prince Dastan: [doing difficult backflip] The third step is the hardest!

Tamina: Must feel wonderful winning such a claim for destroying such an innocent city.

Prince Dastan: Oh, a pleasure to meet you too, Princess.

King Sharaman: A great man who would have stopped what he knew to be wrong, no matter who was ordering it.

Tamina: Well the solution would be to kiss me then kill me, but I have a better solution...

[grabs sword]

Tamina: I kill you!

Prince Dastan: Perhaps we can find another solution!

Tamina: [as Dastan's leaving on his horse] So you're going to leave me here, in the middle of nowhere? Noble Dastan, abandoning a helpless woman in the wilderness! What does your precious honor have to say about that?

Prince Dastan: [returning] Give me the strength not to kill her.

Tamina: [Tamina gives him a look]

Tamina: [sarcastically] Such a noble prince.

Prince Dastan: Such a gentle princess.

Prince Dastan: Ostrich racing?

Sheik Amar: Behold the mighty ostrich!

Sheik Amar: You know something, Persian? You bear a remarkable resemblance to the disgraced prince who fled after murdering the king.

[Dastan laughs nervously then bolts]

Prince Dastan: [carrying a fat king] Couldn't you have found somebody lighter?

Prince Dastan: Difficult, not impossible.

Tamina: All more proof you're insane.

Prince Dastan: Why do you look so impressed?

Prince Dastan: I didn't kill Father.

Garsiv: We're not fighting with sticks anymore, little brother.

Hassansin Leader: In a trance we can find anything, including your nephew, Prince Dastan.

Nizam: Then I hope you shall see more death. Soon.

Prince Dastan: The secret guardian temple outside Alamut is a sanctuary, the one place the dagger can be hidden safely, the only way to stop this Armageddon. That's the truth, Dastan. Give me back the dagger, so that I can take it there.

Tamina: Oh. I can't do that.

[he starts walking away]

Tamina: ... I'm coming with you.

Prince Dastan: [in disbelief] You're going to help me?

Tamina: Well we can sit here and chat, or you can get on the horse.

Sheik Amar: You can't organize an ostrich race... with *just one ostrich!*

Prince Dastan: Sheik Amar, listen to me...!

Sheik Amar: I'd rather not.

Sheik Amar: Tch, secret government killing activity! That's why I don't pay taxes!

Prince Dastan: What temple? This is a pile of stones and rocks!

Prince Dastan: I know it hasn't been easy between us Garsiv, but still, we *are* brothers.

Garsiv: Touching words with my sword at your throat.

Sheik Amar: [hiding behind a cage of clucking chickens] Shut up! Shut up!

Tamina: [about to die] I'm ready for this.

Prince Dastan: I'm not.

Tamina: It's gone. Protect the dagger no matter the consequences; that was my sacred calling. That was my destiny.

Prince Dastan: We make our own destiny, Princess. We'll get it back.

Sheik Amar: Oh, a knife-thrower with a conscience!

Seso: [to Sheik Amar] My friend, has anyone ever told you that you talk too much?

[Sheik nods]

Nizam: He's here... Seal every gate. Find him!

Prince Dastan: And you used to be a better liar, Princess.

Prince Dastan: [comes out of hiding] Hello, Tus.

Prince Dastan: If we don't stop him, our world could end.

Tus: If you're gonna kill me, best you do it now.

Prince Dastan: [pulls out dagger] This is no ordinary dagger.

Tus: We both know Dastan was many things, but *not* a coward.

Tus: Stop! A moment ago, you died before my eyes.

Prince Dastan: [relieved] Oh, you pressed it.

Tus: How did you know I would?

Prince Dastan: Because we are brothers.

Nizam: What a glorious mess we are.

Prince Dastan: You murdered your family. Sharaman was your brother.

Nizam: And my curse.

Nizam: Enjoy the gutter, Dastan. It's where you'll stay under my reign.

Tamina: [as they're hanging from the precipice] Stop him! If the glass shatters the world dies with it! It's not my destiny, it's yours. It always has been. Let me go.

Prince Dastan: I won't.

Tamina: Let me go.

Prince Dastan: *I'm not letting you go*!

Prince Dastan: [to Nizam] You had what every man could ever dream of. Love, respect, and family. But that wasn't enough for you, was it?

King Sharaman: [to Dastan] Family, the bond between brothers, that is the sword that defends our empire; I pray that that sword stays strong.

Tamina: You know you really walk like one. Head held high, chest out, long stomping strides. The walk of a self-satisfied Persian prince. No doubt it comes from being told since birth the world is yours, and actually believing it.

Prince Dastan: I wasn't born in a palace like you! I was born in the slums of Nasaf, where I lived if I fought and I clawed for it.

Tamina: Then how did you become a prince?

Prince Dastan: The king... marched into the market one day, and he... I don't know, he... he found me. He took me in, he gave me a family, he gave me a home.

Prince Dastan: [he turns away, then turns back]

Prince Dastan: What you're looking at, is... the walk of a man, who just lost everything.

[repeated line]

Sheik Amar: Have I told you about the Ngbaka?

Prince Dastan: Yes, you have.

Sheik Amar: [to Dastan] We've been tracking you for a week! That little riot you started, it went on for *two days*! My beloved racetrack, all washed away like footprints in sand. You see Anita there? Hmm? Look at her. She's all that's left of my gaming empire. And no matter your skills as a promoter, *you can't organize an ostrich race with just one ostrich*! Am I right?

Crowd: Yeah!

Sheik Amar: Yes, sir. Come with me.

[takes off the textile covering Anita's head]

Sheik Amar: Did you know that ostriches have suicidal tendencies? Look at this poor thing. She used to be a grand champion. Now I have to watch her night and day to make sure she doesn't do anything stupid.

Seso: Where will you go?

Prince Dastan: Alamut. Nizam will use that dagger to pierce the Sand Glass. And he has to be stopped.

Sheik Amar: [mocking] He has to be stopped, he has to be stopped. That's good.

[Seso looks at Sheik]

Sheik Amar: What? Oh, a knife thrower with a conscience!

King Sharaman: [to those inside the palace after suggesting Dastan should marry Tamina] He plunges into a hundred foes without thought, but before marriage he stands frozen with fear! And there are those who say he is not yet wise!

[the Persians laugh]

Prince Dastan: [quietly to Bis] I need a drink.

[the robe Sharaman is wearing begins to smoke and burn him; soldiers rush to pull it off only for their hands to be burned]

Garsiv: [runs in to help] Out of my way!

[soldiers pull him back after his hands burn]

Prince Dastan: [kneels next to the king] Father.

Nizam: Oh God, help us! The robe, it's poisoned!

Prince Dastan: Somebody help him.

Garsiv: The robe Dastan gave him!

King Sharaman: [to Dastan] Why?

Prince Dastan: *Somebody help him*!

Garsiv: Seize the murderer!

Prince Dastan: *Somebody help him*!

Prince Dastan: What aren't you telling me?

[Tamina looks around for help]

Prince Dastan: The tribesmen left. Maybe they tired of your penchant for lies and backstabbing.

Tamina: I had no choice but to leave you. I take it your uncle didn't listen.

Prince Dastan: It wasn't Tus that killed my father, it was Nizam.

Tamina: [confused] Your uncle?

Prince Dastan: His hands were burnt. He said it happened trying to pull off the cloak that killed my father. I've gone over it and over it in my mind, he never touched the cloak, he must have handled it before. It was Nizam who poisoned it. What good does turning back a few moments of time do my uncle? None. He murdered my father for more than just a dagger. What aren't you telling me?

[produces the dagger]

Prince Dastan: You know, you've got quick hands, but so do I. If you want it back, you tell me everything. No more games, no more lies.

Nizam: [looking at Tus' dead body] Poor Tus. So eager for the crown.

[turning his attention to the unconscious Dastan]

Nizam: And you, Dastan, always charging in, so desperate to prove you're more than something the king scraped off the streets.

Tamina: [about the dagger as he's walking away] You don't understand what's at stake! This is a matter for the Gods, not man!

Prince Dastan: Your gods, not mine!

Nizam: [to Tus] My death would weaken your young reign.

Prince Dastan: [after tying together two guards] Hold this.

[he then jumps over the railing, causing the guards to smack into it]

Prince Dastan: [to Bis and his men] You take care of the outer gate, you leave the impossible one to me.

Tamina: Such a noble prince.

Prince Dastan: Such a gentle princess.

Tamina: How taken you were with my fainting act, eagerly leaping to assist the fallen beauty.

Prince Dastan: Who said you were a beauty?

Tamina: There must be a reason why you can't take your eyes off me.

Prince Dastan: You're... I... I don't trust you. And you're not my type.

Prince Dastan: [watching Sharaman's funeral from a rooftop, seeing thousands of guards] I need to get a message to my uncle to meet me.

Tamina: That's impossible.

Prince Dastan: [Dastan leaps across rooftops, onto ledges and horses, and delivers a secret message to Nizam; the scene cuts to him meeting up with Tamina]

Prince Dastan: Difficult, not impossible.

Tamina: All more proof you're insane.

Prince Dastan: Why do you look so impressed?

Tamina: It's hard for me to admit... but you were right...

[he rips off her necklace containing some of the Sands of Time]

Tamina: ... I did see what I was looking for.

Tamina: [Dastan is eyeing a necklace that rests within Tamina's shirt; she notices him looking] See what you were looking for, Prince?

[last lines]

Tamina: How can I trust the man who breached the walls of my city?

Prince Dastan: Well, I'm starting to think I'm no longer the same man who breached those walls.

Tamina: That's a short time for a man to change so much.

Prince Dastan: Perhaps.

Tamina: It sounds as if you've discovered something here.

Prince Dastan: And what might that be?

Tamina: A new spiritual awareness.

Prince Dastan: Destiny.

Tamina: Yes, exactly.

Prince Dastan: I believe we make our own destiny, Princess.

Tamina: You have an unfortunate lack of curiosity.

Prince Dastan: No doubt one of my many flaws.

Tamina: Please don't mock me, Prince.

Prince Dastan: Oh, I hardly think we know each other well enough for that, Princess, but I look forward to the day that we do.

Tamina: The dagger blade is the only thing that can pierce the Sand Glass and remove the Sands of Time, but the handle only holds one minute.

Prince Dastan: What if one were to place the dagger in the Sand Glass and press the jewel button at the same time?

Tamina: Sand would flow through endlessly...

Prince Dastan: ...you could turn back time as far as you like.

Tamina: Yes, but it is forbidden.

Tamina: Dastan, the Sands contained within the Sand Glass are incredibly powerful. Opening the dagger while it's inside the glass breaks the seal... and destroys the Sand Glass, causing it to crack and shatter. The Sands of Time would no longer be contained, and they would carry the Gods' wrath with them once more, destroying everything in their path, and all mankind would pay for Nizam's treachery. This is all that would be left of us.

[first lines]

Tus: [voiceover] Long ago in a land far away, there once rose an empire that stretched from the steppes of China to the shores of the Mediterranean. That empire was Persia. Fierce in battle, wise in victory. Where the Persian sword went, order followed. The Persian king, Sharaman, ruled with his brother, Nizam, upon the principles of loyalty and brotherhood.

Tus: [voiceover] Moved by what he saw, the king adopted the boy Dastan into his family. A son with no royal blood and no eye on his throne. But perhaps there was something else at work that day, something beyond simple understanding. The day a boy from the unlikeliest of places became a prince of Persia.

Prince Dastan: Our orders were to subdue Koshkahn, not to attack Alamut.

Tus: Wise words, little brother.

Nizam: Words won't stop our enemies, once they're armed with Alamutian blades.

Tus: It's said the princess of Alamut is a beauty without equal. We'll march into her palace and see for ourselves.

Tamina: Everything changes with time. We should know this best of all.

Bis: Remind me why we're disobeying your brother's orders?

Prince Dastan: Because Garsiv only knows how to attack head-on. It'll be a massacre. The Alamutians will be busy with the main gate so we slip through the side.

Bis: That's our way in. There are two gates. The outer one is easy; it's the inner gate that's impossible. That gate mechanism is protected by two-man guard towers.

Prince Dastan: Yeah well there's always a way in, Bis. You take care of the outer gate, you leave the impossible one to me.

Bis: Oh so you won't be happy until you get us all killed.

Prince Dastan: Oh, wonderful speech, Bis. Rousing!

Tus: You and Garsiv can handle father in my absence. You do have a gift to honor him with?

Prince Dastan: [Slightly drunk] Of course!

[Turns to Bis]

Prince Dastan: Bis! Gift!

[Bis looks at him confused]

Prince Dastan: It's been momentarily misplaced...

Tus: I knew you'd forget.

Tus: [Looking at Tamina] A rare jewel. Present her to the king for me this evening, Dastan.

Prince Dastan: Sure you really want another wife, brother?

Tamina: So I'm being escorted by Prince Dastan, the Lion of Persia. Must feel wonderful winning such a claim for destroying such an innocent city.

Prince Dastan: Oh, a pleasure to meet you too, princess. And allow me to offer, that if punishing the enemies of my king is a crime, then it's one I'll gladly repeat.

Tamina: Then you are a true prince of Persia. Brutal. Without honor.

Prince Dastan: Don't make the mistake of thinking you know me, princess.

Prince Dastan: You've eased Father's anger, Uncle.

Nizam: One day, you'll have the pleasure of being brother to the king, Dastan. As long as you remember your most important duty, you should do well.

Prince Dastan: Oh, and what's that?

Nizam: Making sure his wine glass stays full.

King Sharaman: In all my travels I have never looked upon a more beautiful city, your Highness.

Tamina: You should have seen it before your horde of camel-riding illiterates descended upon it.

King Sharaman: [to Dastan] The princess of Alamut will be your first wife!

[Dastan looks shocked and Tamina looks uncomfortable]

King Sharaman: What say you, Dastan?

Prince Dastan: Uh...

King Sharaman: He plunges into a hundred foes without thought, but before marriage he stands frozen with fear! And there are those who say he is not yet wise!

Prince Dastan: [quietly to Bis] I need a drink.

Prince Dastan: I didn't murder my father. That robe was given to me by my brother. Tus did this.

Tamina: And now he stands to be crowned king.

Prince Dastan: I didn't kill my father.

Tamina: I believe you.

Prince Dastan: You shouldn't be here. I shouldn't have let you come.

Tamina: But you did.

Tamina: Where are you going?

Prince Dastan: To Avrat, where my father will be buried.

Tamina: You're wanted for the king's murder and you're marching to his funeral alongside thousands of Persian soldiers?

Tamina: Every road to Avrat will be covered with Persian troops!

Prince Dastan: Well, I'm not taking roads. I'm going through the Valley of the Slaves.

Tamina: No one goes near that wasteland. It's filled with murdering cutthroats.

Prince Dastan: Yes, so they say.

Tamina: Your whole plan is suicide!

Prince Dastan: My brother murdered my father and let his blood in my hands! If I die trying to set that right, then so be it!

Tamina: Without the right sand it's just another knife. Not even very sharp.

Prince Dastan: This sand, is there more of it?

Tamina: Of course not!

Prince Dastan: How can I get some?

Tamina: Try standing on your head and holding your breath.

Garsiv: [Quietly to Dustan after Tus suggests Dustan and the princess wed] Get up there before *I* take your place.

Prince Dastan: Incredible! Releasing the sand... turns back time! And only the holder of the dagger is aware of what's happened. He could go back and alter events, change time. And no one knows but him. How much can it unwind? Answer me, Princess!

Tamina: You destroyed my city!

Prince Dastan: Our invasion wasn't about weapon forges, it was about this dagger. After the battle, Tus asked for this dagger as tribute. I didn't think anything of it, but now I see. With it he could change anything, he could change the, the course of a critical moment in battle, he could foresee the blade of a rival! He wouldn't just be king, he'd be the most powerful ruler Persia has ever seen, greater even than my father. It was all about this dagger!

Prince Dastan: I've heard all these terrible stories of this place.

Sheik Amar: [laughing] The bloodthirsty slaves, murdering their masters? It's a good story; it's well told, ever-evolving, yeah but alas untrue.

Prince Dastan: But the skeletons that we saw at the...

Sheik Amar: ...I bought those from a gypsy in Bacara. Ah, I crafted our lurid reputation in order to fend off the most insidious evil that's been lurking this forsaken country of ours. Y'know what I'm talking about?

[Dastan shakes his head]

Sheik Amar: Taxes!

[spits]

Sheik Amar: Gah, these Persians! Their armies, their fortresses, their roads. Who pays for it all, eh? The small businessman! See that's why I started a little campaign, to spread some false notoriety. I spread it like a venerable disease in a Turkish harem!

Sheik Amar: Yeah, nothing beats a good story, eh? But yours however, trading her in for a camel, please! I mean look at her, she's worth at least two! And as for you, young man, do you know your brother's offered a reward for you? Which quite frankly between you and me, borders on the obscene! I'd trade in my own mother for that kind of gold.

[Seso gives him a surprised look]

Sheik Amar: What? Oh you didn't know what she was like.

[repeated line]

Seso: Nice knife.

Sheik Amar: Hey! Hey, over here! HA! You know what they say about men with big swords?

[snickers and wiggles a bent pinky finger]

Tamina: Our friends in the palace say the Persians have broken through to the first level of the tunnels. They'll reach the Sand Glass within hours. Nizam's keeping the dagger in the High Temple, guarded by some sort of demon, covered in spikes.

Prince Dastan: The Hassansin that killed my brother.

Tamina: It's the only thing that stands between us and the dagger. No man can stand within twenty yards of him and live.

Seso: Some don't need to get that close.

Sheik Amar: You sure about this?

Seso: I owe the boy.

Sheik Amar: You're an Ngbaka, scourge of the Namibian plain! Me? I'm a slightly dishonorable entrepreneur. This nobility business is not the cloth we're cut from.

Sheik Amar: [after Nizam beats him bloody in the face] You Persian bureaucrats... such soft hands!

Tamina: I'm desperate for a drop of water!

Prince Dastan: Well that's more than we have since you emptied our canteen hours ago.

Tamina: I wasn't born of this desert like you Persians, all shriveled and angry. My constitution is much more... delicate.

Prince Dastan: I think you mean spoiled.

Tamina: The wells of Alamut are famed for their clean, cold water.

Prince Dastan: Perhaps less time admiring your wells and more time guarding your walls, and you wouldn't be here.

[pause]

Prince Dastan: Hah, a miracle! I've silenced the princess!

[he turns around to see Tamina lying on the ground; he moves over to help her]

Prince Dastan: Tamina? Tamina. Can you hear me?

Tamina: [she suddenly knocks him out cold with a bone and steals the dagger] Yes Dastan, I can hear you!

Sheik Amar: Oh, look at this! That's it! No more fermented goat's milk after the third race, you hear me? Get off it, come on!

Prince Dastan: [smirking] What do you intend to do with her?

Tamina: [sarcastically] Yes, do tell him, can't you see how concerned he is?

Prince Dastan: Nizam! Don't use the dagger to undo your past! It will unleash...!

Nizam: ...unleash what? God's wrath? Hell itself?

[he kicks Dastan in the face]

Sheik Amar: [Dastan is encircled by men on horses, and a knife is thrown at him but deliberately misses] Do you know where you are, Persian? And yet you enter still? In the heart of Sudan, there is a tribe of warriors known as the Ngbaka. They strike fear into the hearts of all they cross. The Ngbaka are masters of the throwing knife, wielding blades said to have been blessed by the Creator himself. Their aim is so murderously accurate, they can decapitate *three men*... with one strike.

[Dastan tries to grab the knife]

Sheik Amar: Oh I wouldn't even bother doing that if I were you, d'you know why? This... is Seso. He's an Ngbaka. I had the good fortune of saving his life which means that he is now enduringly indebted to me. So tell me Persian: is there any good reason why I shouldn't tell Seso to put his next throw... just a little higher?

[Seso poises to throw again; Dastan notes the previous knife is positioned above his groin and quickly shakes his head]

Prince Dastan: Garsiv! I didn't kill Father.

Garsiv: Then God will pardon you... after your head rolls.

Prince Dastan: We can't stop.

Sheik Amar: Well perhaps you can't, but we can!

Tamina: We could use your help getting to the temple.

Sheik Amar: Oh, by crossing the Hindu Kush with a storm blowing? You attract trouble like flies 'round rotting mango *and* you're insane!

Tamina: There's gold at the temple. More than ten horses can carry. Tax-free.

Prince Dastan: That's all you got?

The Prince

I am the architect of my own destruction. So this is it, what is written in the timeline cannot be changed. Come for me then. In my quest to destroy the sands of time, I have been the one to create them. "Let all who read this know, the courage and valor of those who fought and fell for the Majarajah. We sought the power of the Sands of time, most found only death, my self among them. But the mask of the Wraith gave me a second chance to travel back through time and change my fate." This mural shows the impossible. But the mask of the Wraith gave me a second chance, there might still be hope. You had your chance to take me, you won't get another!

Most people think time is like a river that flows swift and sure in one direction. But I have seen the face of time, and I can tell you: they are wrong. Time is an ocean in a storm. You may wonder who I am or why I say this. Sit down and I will tell you a tale like none you have ever heard. [First and Last lines in the Trilogy].

Father, I have brought us honour and glory.

Trust not a man who has betrayed his master, nor take him into your own service, lest he betray you too. I learned the truth of this, to my sorrow, the day we arrived in Azad as the Sultan's honoured guests.

When a man is faced with his own death, he finds the impossible less of a barrier.

He now had his prize, but for some unknown reason coveted the Dagger as well. Well, I would give him what he sought. I would plunge it into his foul and treacherous heart!

Finding my way to the baths from here should be easy. I'll just ask the next sand creature that I come across - 'Excuse me, could you direct me to the baths please? Thank You!' 'Don't mention it! I used to be a bath attendant back when I was alive!'. *imitating Farah* 'I'll meet you at the baths!' She orders me around as if I was a servant! It's my own fault. With women, you have to show them you're in charge right from the start, or they'll walk all over you! I've been too indulgent. Probably because I felt sorry for her. Well, it stops now! From now on, she'll have to toe the line. (pause) That is, assuming I can find her.

I could marry her! After all, she is a Maharajah's daughter. A conquered one, but still, her blood is royal. . . . All right, I've decided. I will marry her. I'll tell her the first chance I get.

My father's army sacked your palace, captured you as a slave; you have every reason to hate me...now you want me to trust you?

I had faced my enemy, I had looked into his eyes, and I had lost...everything.

...and though I fought until the desert sands themselves were red with blood; I could not bring back the dead.

To live forever...when those I loved are dead, and I to blame? I choose death.

(when you die) No no no, that's not the way it happened. Shall I start again?

Madness.. what magic is this?

Despite all the warnings that I would fail, I have vanquished the Empress and prevented the creation of the sands of time. I have defeated the Dahaka, and fate itself.

I had saved my own life- and did not even know it.

You had your chance to take me; you won't get another.

No, Kaileena, you can change your fate, I have done so! A terrible beast was destined to take my life, but I have freed myself from-

I do not want to hurt you, Kaileena...But I must finish this!

I've been thinking, Kaileena. There is little for you on this island, and there will be less still once I have stood before your Mistress. Come with me to Babylon, you'll have a chance to start a new life, free from the evils of this place.

(warcry) For Babylon!

This storm shows us no mercy. We shall respond in kind!

...For the first time in my life... I am afraid.

Do not worry Kaileena, No harm will come to you in Babylon.

You will pay for what you have done to my people!

To undo what I have done? Surely you must think I'm a fool.

What if...What if Kaileena didn't die in the Past, but in the Present. The Sands would be created...but the Maharajah would fail to find them. They'd never be brought to his palace, and I'd have never released them! The Dahaka will have no business with me!

I have seen the error of my ways, and I have atoned for the transgressions of my past...I am no longer that person.

Experience has taught me that wishful thinking only leads to disappointment.

I am the Architect of my own Destruction.

DIE, YOU BASTARD!

You will pay for this transgression.

I have more important matters to attend to.

I will only be given a second chance... to fail.

I died!

Death! Death to all who stand in my way.

Father would be proud.

Why is it that everytime disaster strikes I find myself without a proper blade?

Vizier (Zurvan)

Your majesty- I trust you will remember your promise. The Maharajah's treasure vaults lie within.

Inside the hourglass is a marvel that no living man has seen. Alas, only the dagger can unlock the sands of time, and it belongs to a greater one than I; a young prince, dearer to his father than all the wealth of India. Perhaps he would oblige...

Ah, you must be the Prince of Persia, come home at last! Too late, I'm afraid.

Give me the dagger; you have unleashed the sands of time. I can undo what you have done... Give it to me!

A wild tale indeed. I have a simpler version. A Persian soldier, lusting for glory, entered the chambers of the Maharajah's daughter, and was slain by me...

Farah will make an excellent Queen, after we make some... Modifications.

I am Zurvan, God of Time!

This is not what the dagger promised!

Farah

Why did I trust you; why didn't you trust me?

If it comforts you to mock me then by all means continue, but you are so focused on killing him that you've thrown strategy completely out the window! You could have died...

Kakolukia...

What is your favourite colour?

I saw what you did in the workshop, and what the Old man said is true. You are a Prince.

If this tomb is to be ours, at least the dagger will be buried with us. And... we are together.

You don't understand, I need that dagger to-

What is he like... your father?

Look! A crack!

Prince? You're a Sand monster?... You lied to me all this time! Stay away from me!

You are right to be cautious, but fight as bravely as you may, you cannot defeat this enemy! The Sands will spread! They will consume... Everything! I have heard it said that you are kind as well as brave. Please, help me find the hourglass...

Prince, There's still something I don't understand... How did you really know my name?

Listen to this:[reading] "Love is life, so if you want to live, die in love, die in love if you want to stay alive."

I'll cover you!

Seven years? What are you talking about?

I owe you thanks... But why did you invent such a fantastic story? Do you think me a child, that I would believe such nonsense?

Wait... I don't even know your name.

Kaileena (Empress of Time)

I had hoped the Dahaka would kill you, I had hoped Shahdee would keep you from the island or the towers would finish you off; I even cursed the sword I gave you and yet you did not die!

Be free now Prince, Your journey is at an end.

How dare you stand before me and admit failure, You should have died to protect me!

You may wonder why I would let this come to pass. So many dead, and Likely more to follow, an Empire reduced to rubble, a Prince cast to the streets and hunted like a common criminal. But I had seen the timeline, and of all the futures lay bare to me, this one held the most promise of them all, for the Prince would have an opportunity to set things right. Watch now, see the thing of which I speak...

Prince, of all the possible futures, this one held the most promise, but something has changed...

Haha, It will take more than a simple sword strike to penetrate my defences!

You should know that it was not love that drove him, but duty. I was his responsibility, and he had made a promise, a promise that was now broken and undone. Like all mistakes he had made, the Prince intended to fix this. A noble goal to be certain, but a selfish one as well. For he was motivated to ease his own pain.

I have activated the Island's portals. You will travel to his time, engage him at sea and kill him... Kill them all!

And so the Prince and Farah separated. She sought to save lives, he to end them.

I have seen your future... And it does not look good.

This world was not meant for me, but there are others, and I will find my place just as you have found yours.

You are wasting your time, I can see the future!

As our ship lay sinking in the harbour, The Prince found himself in a city quite different from the one he had left behind...

I told you to leave and yet you kept coming back. I began to wonder, if you could change your fate, perhaps I could change mine!

Let time run its course.

I have known my whole life that what is written in the timeline cannot be changed!

They say knowledge is power but I say it is a poison. Knowing the exact date and manner of her death torments her. The closer it draws the greater her pain.

Then you know I have no choice.

Then I choose to live... And for you to die!

Even if you don't want to kill me, you will... The Timeline demands it!

Some believed that when the Prince journeyed to the Island of Time to escape death that he returned alone. The amulet destroyed, the Dahaka appeased,the Empress dead, the Prince was free at last. But this is not how it truth is that he chose to save me from my destiny. In doing so he set me free…and doomed us all…

I am sorry prince but only one of us can cheat fate today...

Fool! I am the Empress Of Time! I know your every move before you do it!

I've already told you. I have foreseen my future to die at your hands. But like you,I decided to change it!

Shahdee

His ship approaches, it is just as the timeline foretold, I am sorry Empress.

Is that the best you have to offer?

Fool don't you know... You cannot change your fate.

You call yourself a master swordsman?

I'll not give my life for this foolishness!

If you want to try and change the timeline, you can do it yourself!

It seems the Empress overestimated your abilities.

You will never reach our shores alive!

I'll not give you the satisfaction of seeing me fall!

The Dark Prince

Now you see what happened when you try to help people? You die!

All that is yours is rightfully mine... and mine it will be!

You really do have a way with women. Those you don't get killed can't get far enough away from you.

I did not spin myself out of the ether, I was not conjured by some mad vizier. I am you! Your rage, your pride, your selfish ways; they give me form and substance!

Seasons change, tastes change... but people? People never change, and you delude yourself believing otherwise...

You mean to kill me then, to cut me down like all your other enemies? Swing that sword Prince! We've seen how well that works.

Do you think you would be here now if not for me? How many times did I save you? How many times did I unblock your path, take down your enemies, remind you of your mission? While all you did was cry about your father and Kaileena and Farah, how everything bad always happens to you! Boo-hoo, Prince!

If I am selfish Prince, it is because you are. If I am ruthless and reckless and lacking in morals it is because you are.

Such violence! Your anger serves only to feed me. So I have to ask, have you really changed? After all I am right here standing before you!

Blue? That's not my favourite colour.

While I admire your bravado... It would be wise for you to show some respect!

I am your untapped potential, your unrealized dreams! I am part of you.

Tick tock, Prince. Tick, tock.

Time is precious. Time is fleeting. Time... Is something you have very little of.

Would you like to have a drink?

So what now? Perform another Great Rewind? Or maybe go back to the Island Of Time to return to a moment where he didn't die, maybe, saving a damsel in distress along the way?

Maybe Babylon is better off in Zurvan's hands.

You call yourself a warrior!? Ha Ha!

I have nothing but noble intentions~

You self-righteous BAST-(The prince cuts him off)

No! what are you doing?

Do not ignore me! Do not leave me behind! NOOOO! [Last words].

The Old Man

Go then, my Prince. but know this. Your journey will not end well. You cannot change your fate. No man can.

All hail the Prince of Persia, the greatest hero this city has ever known. You have saved the people of this city and we have come to return the favor.

Dialogue

Old Man: The island of time. The place when the sands were created. The place from which the Maharaja stole the Hourglass.

Prince: And what if I could reach this Island?

Old Man: They say the Maharaja found portals one could pass backwards through time.

Prince: Back through time to the birthplace of the Sands…Something terrible happened when our army traveled to the Maharaja's palace.

Old Man: You found the sands of time.

Prince: Worse… I opened them.

Old Man: Whosoever shall open the sands must die…

Prince: I was forced to kill those I fought I had loved.

Old Man: But now an unstoppable beast chases you…

Prince: For the first time in my life,I am afraid.

Old Man: And you will die.

Prince: I used the sands themselves to reverse it as if the hourglass was never opened.

Old Man: The Dahaka is the guardian of the were supposed to die,so it will catch you and see to it that you meet your fate.

Prince: It's better to try than to wait here for death.

Old Man: Madness! Even if you manage to reach the 'll still have to face the empress of time!

Prince: I will travel back in time and prevent the sands from ever being there are no sands the Dahaka will have no quarrel with me!

Old Man: Go then my prince! But know this your journey will not end cannot change your fate….No man can.

Farah: So it's true, he was a traitor?

Prince: Take this, return it to your father's treasure vaults...guard it well...

Farah: I owe you thanks, but why did you invent such a fantastic story, do you think me a child, that I would believe such nonsense?

[Prince kisses Farah]

Farah: [pushes him away] I said I owe you thanks. You presume too much.

[Prince rewinds time]

Farah:...Such a fantastic story, do you think me a child, that I would believe such nonsense?

Prince:...You're right, it was just a story [gives her the dagger].

Farah: Wait, I don't even know your name...

Prince: Just call me...Kakolukia...

Shahdee: You will never reach our shores alive!

Prince: For your sake...You better hope I don't!

[Fight ensues]

[Shahdee Raises sword and scars the prince]

Prince: Urgh! YOU BITCH!

Shahdee: It seems the Empress overestimated your abilities

Prince: The Empress?

Kaileena: Prince, of all the possible futures this one held the most promise...but something has changed.

Prince: Do not worry, Kaileena, no harm will come to you in Babylon...I promise.

Prince: [touches water and reverts back from being the Dark Prince] Water seems to fight this corruption... Why didn't you tell me this?

Dark Prince: [chuckles] What? And ruin all the fun?

Farah: Do you think you could move a little faster?

Prince: You're more than welcome to come down here and try it yourself! (mumbles) Seven years, and still nothing has changed...

Farah: Seven years? What are you talking about?

Prince: It was... er... figure of speech!

Farah: There's something very odd about you.

Dark Prince: [chuckles] She has NO idea.

Farah: I will cover you!

Prince: Please don't; You're liable to hit me.

Prince:*gets hit by an arrow* OUCH!

Farah: Oops, sorry!

Prince: Wait Farah!

Farah: How do you know my name?

Prince: Yes...um...I...

Dark Prince: I eagerly await your response.

Prince: I have heard tales of a beautiful...and brave Princess of India. One who has travelled to Babylon to punish an evil Vizier who has caused her...great distress.

(Farah raises her bow, readies an arrow, and aims toward the Prince)

Dark Prince: See? Now she's going kill us.

Farah: Try moving the switch forward.

Prince: With my luck it will probably spring some horrible trap, or summon sand monsters, or bring about the end of the world!

Farah: Would it kill you to show a little optimism?

Prince: Experience has taught me that wishful thinking only leads to disappointment.

Dark Prince: With the ability to manipulate time itself, you had the chance to become the greatest king the world has ever known. What wars you could have fought; what monuments you could have erected in your honor; what women you could have kept. But you have failed me, Prince. You grew soft and sympathetic; my attempts to convince you to seek glory fell on deaf ears. So, I bided my time; waiting for the proper moment to strike. You do not deserve what you have been given, control over the world's greatest empire. With the power of the Sands at your command you could rule the world. You have squandered it Prince, I will do it justice, and so it should be *mine*!

Prince: You are just a parasite, you deserve NOTHING!

Dark Prince: But don't I? Have I not earned it? Do you think you'd still be here if not for me? How many times did I save you? How many times have I unblocked your path, cut down your enemies, remind you of your mission? While all you did was cry about your father, and Kaileena, and Farah, how everything bad always happens to you. Boo hoo, Prince!

Prince: Your words are empty, have always been empty. You are just a desperate, selfish spirit.

Dark Prince: If I am selfish, Prince, it is because *you* are. If I am ruthless and reckless and lacking in morals, it is because *you* are. I did not spin myself from out of the ether, I was not conjured by some mad vizier; I am *YOU*.

Prince: No, I have seen the error of my ways, and I have atoned for the trangressions of my past. I am no longer that person.

Dark Prince: Seasons change, tastes change. But people... people never change. You delude yourself believing otherwise. Do not fight me. Set down your sword; embrace me. Do you mean to kill me then, to cut me down like all your other enemies? SWING THAT SWORD, PRINCE! We'll see how well that works. Such violence, your anger serves only to feed me. So I have to ask, have you really changed? After all, I'm still right here standing before you.

Prince of Persia (2008)

Elika: I just want to know that I can rely on you... people can... well they can…

Prince: And you have a lot of experience with people?

Elika: I have experience of men doing stupid things for women!

Prince: Well I only ever do stupid things for myself

Prince: You're an attractive lady.

Elika: I've got a brain too.

Prince: Pity you're wasting both!

Elika: And you're the one to lecture me on that?

Prince: I've good looks and brain then?

Elika: One you rely on too much and the one you don't use at all!

Prince: There is nothing wrong with a good look!

Elika: Gold glitters, but it's what you buy with it that counts.

Prince: The corrupted sold their souls? What's the going rate?

Prince: We'll be fine… I hope…

Elika: I'm alright… it's nothing…

Prince: It looks like it…

Prince: Say, the next time you want to win your daughter back, you could just try giving her a pony, the apocalypse doesn't really cut it!

Prince: I hope that hurt!

Elika: He can't hear you.

Prince: He can't?! And you're an ugly mother too!

[Elika gives him a look]

Prince: What?

Prince: See, you don't always have to wait for things; you have to make things happen!

Elika: Is that so?

Prince: Look around you, we could die in the next five minutes, then where would waiting have got you? I'd rather died trying then waiting…

Elika: Maybe you're right… if you want something… if you REALLY want something, you shouldn't wait…

Prince: Yeah?

Elika: So? What are we waiting for? [walks away]

Prince: Scary guy this alchemist then?

Elika: He can make the corruption act for him, he shapes it, makes it become what he wishes

Prince: There was a potter I knew like that… oh the things she could do with her hands

Prince: Hrrm… imagine this, full of water, surrounded by nature, your own private oasis in the middle of desert, hey Princess?

Elika: That's me! All about excess!

Prince: Did you have your own hand maidens too?

Elika: You can feed that part of your imagination yourself!

Prince: Run, jump, ... die, repeat..., run, jump, ... die, repeat... I'm starting to get the hang of this...

Prince: Much more of this and I might start talking to myself... No you won't... No, I might, really.

Prince: Anything else you think you should be telling me?

Elika: You're an idiot.

Elika: Patience brings its own rewards.

Prince: So does walking into a harem covered in chocolate.

Prince: Why did you have cages in your town square.

Elika: How do you think we scared our children? 'Be good, or you'll go in the cage and Ahriman will get you.'

Prince: For real?

Elika: We held animals in there for market, you idiot.

[Prince jumps off the tower and Elika saves him]

Elika: You idiot.

Prince: I knew you'd catch me.

Elika: What if I was unconscious?

Prince: ...I didn't think of that.

Prince: You can't act like this. Giving up now is like you didn't even care that you lost those things.

Elika: That's a good speech. Where'd you pick it up?

Prince: Two silver coins from a fortune-teller in Babylon.

Elika: Why are you doing this? Why are you helping me? You're not doing it for me, are you? I've seen how you look at me... I've seen that look before...

Prince: Now look, you're cute, but not 'stay to fight a dark god' cute.

Elika: Would you have helped... if my father had asked you?

Prince: He's not that cute either.

Elika: Wow compared to you I'm a saint!

Prince: Hey, I've helped many little old ladies in my day.

Elika: Yeah only if they had attractive daughters.

Prince: Then I helped them too!

Prince: Want to play a game? Come on, it'll be fun!

Elika: The World's about to end and you want to play a game?!

Prince: Might as well die happy.

Elika: What sort of game is this?

Prince: Well, I see something and you have to guess what it is.

Elika: How can I guess that?

Prince: You just guess.

Elika: Grass.

Prince: No.

Elika: Rock.

Prince: No.

Elika: This is a stupid game.

...

Prince: Want another go?

Elika: No... Path.

Prince: No.

Elika: This is impossible!

...

Prince: The game would be easier if we played it by the rules.

Elika: There are rules?

Prince: Yeah. I tell you the first letter.

Elika: Then why didn't you do that?

Prince: You didn't give me a chance.

Elika: *sigh* Can we get to the Fertile Ground?..

...

Prince: S.

Elika: Are you still playing that game?

Prince: S.

Elika: Sky.

Prince: Hey! You got it! Okay, your turn.

...

Prince: Come on, your turn.

Elika: For what? Uhm... C.

Prince: Corruption.

Elika: Yes. Can we go on?

...

Prince: S.

Elika: Sky again?

Prince: Now you're getting it!

Elika: You picked 'sky' again?

Prince: No, but you're getting the hang of the rules.

Elika: Ah, thanks, they're so complex I was worried they might evade me.

...

Prince: S.

Elika: Scar.

Prince: No.

Elika: Scarf?

Prince: No.

Elika: Shrine?

Prince: Aha! No.

Elika: I give up.

Prince: It's too soon to give up.

Elika: I give up!

Prince: Soulless Follower of Ahriman!

Elika: I am amazed no one threw you overboard on your sea trips.

...

Prince: G.

Elika: Are you still playing?

Prince: G!

Elika: Gauntlet.

Prince: Yes!

Elika: You wanna make this game harder?

...

Prince: Wanna play the game again for forfeits?

Elika: No.

Prince: Ugh. I wish I hadn't eaten that curry goat.

Prince: Girl falling down the sky, should have taken that as a sign. Nothing is that easy.

Elika: If you need any consolation, I was glad you were there to land on.

Prince: Nice collection of dust you have here.

Prince: I'm not here. Someone else is doing this crazy stuff.

Prince: And I thought today was going to be a quiet day.

Elika: Huh, you should've changed your fortune teller.

Prince: How did I get into this...and what is this that I've got into?

Prince: This place is the back of the back of beyond.

Prince: Is this an average day for you?

Elika: Does it look like it?

Prince: He isn't exactly polite; he barely knows us and he's trying to kill us.

Prince: Sure, climb up the roof. It's not like gravity killed anyone.

Prince: [astonished] You're good!

Elika: Better than you know.

Elika: [pointing to the Hunter] He needs to get away from there!

Prince: Hey! Get away from there!

[the Hunter descends to them]

Prince: There you go.

Elika: No, here we go.

Prince: Oh oh.

[after defeating the enemy]

Prince: Now that should teach you something!

Prince: Aw! Don't pull so hard!

Prince: Sharp sword and empty horizon. Sometimes that's all a man needs... sometimes.

Prince: Anything to eat around here? I'm getting hungry.

Prince: How do I get myself into these messes?

Prince: Heard about magic, talked about magic. Never seen it before.

Prince: There's more adventure here than in your average life span.

Prince: I had to get here 200 years after civilization left.

Prince: This day is gonna age me a month.

Prince: I should have listened more to my mother.

Prince: These trousers were new!

Prince: Temple, yes. Altar girls and gold, no. This place needs a lot of work.

Prince: Temple guards, pirates, crazed mobs... huh, those were the good times.

Prince: I like your top.

Elika: I think I have a spare if you'd like it.

Prince: Corruption... looks bad, feels bad... smells terrible.

Prince: Ready to face certain death again?

Prince: Ah, I'm really starting to feel this in my shoulders. You couldn't give my a back rub, could you?

Elika: That's right; I couldn't.

Prince: Settle down, find a girl, adventuring will kill you. I think my mother was right.

Prince: Gods, monsters, crazy women... [laughs] What's the difference?

Prince: I hope that smell isn't me... or you.

Prince: This place is crazier than a boat shop in a desert town.

Prince: Ahriman, Ormazd, corruption, corrupted. Why couldn't I have fallen in a canyon full of lost amazons?

Prince: More of this and I'll be wearing out my gauntlet.

Elika: Where did you get that thing anyway?

Prince: Oh, you know... just... found it.

Prince: Rocks dropped on me, monsters coming from the grounds, dark gods... What did I do wrong?

Prince: [starts humming] Doo doo doo... Oh sorry, I forgot you were there.

Prince: Do corruption stains come out?

Prince: Well they said I couldn't find my own donkey in a sandstorm, well here I am and proving them right.

Prince: Oh, you're heavier than you look!

Prince: I think we just found another way to get killed. Is this ever going to stop?

Prince: It's much nicer now; nothing's trying to kill us.

Prince: Nice little trap… shall we take the bait again?

Prince: How are you gonna spend your day? Oh, I don't know. Maybe I'm gonna get eaten?

[the Hunter comes down from the windmill]

Prince:Finally something I can hit!

Prince: Dying is easy, staying alive is hard. But I like the challenge.

Prince: There are plenty of ways to get killed in this place.

Prince: I'm going to have blisters on my blisters by the time we finish.

Prince: I'm trying not to think. If I realize what's happening here, I might just lose it.

Prince: Do you believe it? I've still got sand in my shoes… and worse places!

Prince: You're pretty fit for a princess.

Prince: Much more running! I'm gonna need new shoes and new feet!

Prince: Here I am fighting someone else's war. The one thing that I didn't want to do with my life.

[at the corrupted Temple]

Prince: When I die I want to come to a place exactly… unlike this.

Prince: You don't act like a princess.

Elika: How do princesses act?

Prince: All the money, none of the sense. Don't know which end of a camel eat and which end-

Elika: I know which end of a camel does what.

Prince: A princess. A real princess.

Elika: What about you? Who are you?

Prince: There's not a lot to tell.

Prince: Your turn to tell me something.

Elika: You've still not said where you got the gold.

Prince: I found it.

Elika: You found it... You're a thief!

Prince: I'm an adventurer.

Elika: You're a thief!

Prince: I reclaim abandoned property.

...

Prince: I was a few days from here. I'd heard rumours of a tomb. A little bit of digging, a small amout of hiding and... Forget one donkey. I could've loaded twenty, thirty... If those guards hadn't turned up. Still, I got away with enough to keep life pleasurable for a few more years.

Elika: You robbed the dead?!

Prince: It's a lot easier than robbing the living...

...

Prince: [to himself]Why am I being punished? Sure, I took a little gold, but the owner had been dead for three hundred years. It's not like he was going to do anything with it.

Elika: Who's out there waiting for you?

Prince: Whole world full of people.

Elika: Is there no one you've got close to?

Prince: Trust yourself and you don't need to.

Elika: Trusting your own judgement can get lonely.

Prince: You rely on someone else, they'll just let you down.

Elika: You haven't let me down.

Prince: You haven't known me long enough.

Elika: Tell me about your family.

Prince: I don't have a family.

Elika: Well, you come from somewhere.

Prince: Yes, and I'm going somewhere else.

Prince: You had to pick this Religion? You couldn't have picked one where all the evil Creatures were I don't know... slightly angry sheep?

Prince: This part looks a bit tricky.

Elika: Worried that you may break a nail?

Prince: Now that's humor.

Prince: Keep your eyes open.

Elika: Why are you so jumpy?

Prince: I'm not jumpy. There's 'quiet' and 'too quiet'.

Elika: Everything looks quiet.

Prince: Don't say it's quiet, don't ever say it's quiet.

Prince: Now what?

Elika: That way, on the plate.

Prince: Have you guys never heard of stairs?

Prince: You know, I've thought about settling down… become a miller, you know.

Elika: Really?

Prince: (laughs) Are you kidding? How boring would that be?!

Prince: I've never seen a girl… you know… do… what you do…

Elika: You must have been looking for girls in the wrong places.

Prince: I thought this was all a legend!

Elika: I thought this was all there was.

[when the Hunter made them drop down]

Prince: You think you got us? You think it's easy? We're coming back for you!

[Prince stays silent for a few seconds]

Prince: … If we can find a way out of here.

[to Elika]

Prince: Here take my hand. Hey, take all of me!

[at the last battle with the Alchemist]

Prince: Hey, I'm a legend! I'll live forever anyway!

[the Prince stays silent for a second]

Prince: Wow… that sounded better in my head than out loud.

Prince: Now it's your turn. Tell me something about you.

Elika: Like what?

Prince: I don't know… something like… your last boyfriend?

Elika: Never had one.

Prince: Never?

Elika: Never.

Prince: If you never had a boyfriend… then…

Elika: I'm very well read.

Prince: But sometimes it's better to experience in person.

Prince: Well, here we are… the both of us… in the dark

[the shadow monsters screech]

Elika: Saved by the yell.

[after the Prince fell]

Elika: Watch your footing.

Prince: I did; I watched it fall away.

Elika: In Ormazd his name…

Prince: That's it, keep praying; keep praying for the both of us! It's very generous of you to risk my life for your God!

Ahriman: She is dead. Dead for eternity, but I will be free.

Ahriman: I shall be free. Where then will the light be? What candle will shine in the darkness now that she is gone?

Ahriman: The power of this place wanes, and when I am free, she will already have been forgotten.

Ahriman: She has blinded you with her light, burned you with her will until it became yours. Reclaim your destiny.

Ahriman: What injury have I done to you that you have not done to me?

Raven: [during a battle in the tower, she sees a bunch of robots come out of a room] That's my room! NOBODY GOES IN MY ROOM!

[repeated line]

Robin: Titans *go*!

Headmistress: I am deeply sorry. Once the agents have been retrieved from the authorities, they will be severely punished.

Slade: No need. They were messengers, and my message got across loud and clear.

[then Slade pushes a button that has images of Robin popping up on the TV]

Robin: [on the TV] Who is Slade?

Brother Blood: School is now in session and here's the first lesson: NO ONE DEFIES BROTHER BLOOD!

Aqualad: Fish tacos? What were you thinking? I'm from the ocean! These were probably friends of mine!

Speedy: You said get lunch and I got lunch. Chow down!

Raven: [after she and Starfire have switched bodies] Starfire! You have to calm down. My powers are driven by emotion. The more you feel, the more energy you unleash.

Starfire: I will try to calm down.

[takes a few deep breaths and closes her eyes]

Starfire: Peace... quiet... tranquil...

[her powers cause a car to flip over and blow sky high]

Raven: We are sooo doomed.

Fang: [to Robin, who's dancing with Kitten under duress] Keep your hands off my girl.

[attacks Robin]

Starfire: [blasts Fang] Keep your legs off my boy!

Brother Blood: [about Bumblebee] Another spy! Tell me, was anyone at my school actually there to LEARN?

Starfire: [about Slade's invading army of robots] They are too numerous to fight. What shall we do?

Robin: Fight anyway.

Terra: [to Raven, after an earthquake] Are you gonna give me that look every time there's an earthquake?

Cyborg: [as the tower is under attack] Somebody wanna explain how 200 armed robots got past my security?

Cyborg: [trying to convince Raven to come to the birthday party they're throwing for her] We've got a pinata shaped like Beast Boy. You know you wanna smack it.

Terra: You said you'd be my friend no matter what, remember?

Beast Boy: Slade was right. You don't have any friends.

Raven: [to BeastBoy] I respect that you don't eat meat... please respect that I don't eat fake meat.

Beast Boy: Who wants tofu waffles?

Cyborg: Man, *no one* wants tofu waffles.

[Starfire, Cyborg and Robin are sitting at a picnic table]

Starfire: This tangy yellow beverage is truly delightful.

Cyborg: Uh, Starfire?

Robin: That's mustard.

Starfire: Is there more?

[Robin and Cyborg stare at her weirdly]

[after Raven laughs and leaves the roof of Titan Tower]

Starfire: Many of your Earth ways are still strange to me, but that was... just plain freaky, correct?

[the Teen Titans arrive back at the Tower. Starfire bursts through the door, gleeful]

Starfire: Come, Friends. I shall thank you all by reciting the Poem of Gratitude. All six thousand verses.

[the Titans look shocked]

Cyborg: Is there any meat in that tofu?

Beast Boy: No, there's no meat in the tofu, it's TOFU.

Beast Boy: Wakie, wakie, tofu eggs and bakie.

Raven: I always thought you were funny, BB. But I guess looks aren't everything.

Beast Boy: See? SHE thinks I'm funny.

Raven: Statistically, someone has to.

Starfire: I am happy to see her. But Blackfire rules the videogames and she is able to share very depressing poems AND she knows the cool moves and she always knows when people are NOT talking about shovels.

Robin: ...

Cyborg: Have you ever seen her this happy?

Beast Boy: Dude, I didn't think Raven could DO happy.

[the Titans are deciding on pizza toppings]

Cyborg: Come on, how can you deprive me of the all-meat experience?

Beast Boy: Dude, I've BEEN most of those animals.

Robin: Who is Slade?

Slade: Who knows... I could become like a father to you.

Robin: I already have a father.

[Bats fly off and Batman music plays]

Blackfire: How do I look?

Robin: ...pink.

Robin: No one can could ever take your place.

Goth dude: Soooo... you like show tunes?

Beast Boy: No matter what I do, she STILL treats me like tofu eggs.

Mumbo: Do I still have to go to jail?

Starfire: You guys. I don't know what to do? I've tried every joke, and every bodily noise I can think of and Beast Boy still won't wake up. I'm afraid Beast Boy's brain is lost forever.

Raven: Beast Boy had a brain?

Beast Boy: [laughing] Good one... Hey wait a minute? Dude that's not funny. I totally have a brain. I just don't use it much.

Starfire: [to Robin, who is on a self-deprecating rant] No more Robin yelling at Robin!

Cyborg: [infected with a computer virus] I know what we should do! Let's go get some waffles! Raven you like waffles, don't you?

Raven: [deadpan] More than life itself.

Beast Boy: So, I guess it is bad to watch too much TV.

Starfire: But, we were only victorious because you watches too much the television.

Raven: So, I guess there really is no lesson.

Cyborg: Yep, it was all completely meaningless.

[everyone laughs]

Robin: [to Cinderblock] Drop it Cinderblock before we drop you.

Starfire: I will not read your book of meanness and swirls.

Starfire: ...boogers?

Cyborg: You're the nasty egg people who stole all my waffles!

Starfire: Are ALL the schools on your planet this horrible?

[trying to be funny]

Starfire: How many Oparans does it take to hogey a morflark? FIMBAR.

Robin: You've got a problem, Tin Man?

Cyborg: YEAH. It's four feet tall and smells like cheap hair gel.

[repeated line]

Raven: Azarath... Metrion... ZINTHOS.

Beast Boy: ...kaaaay... do you come with subtitles?

Gizmo: [going through Beast Boy's CDs] Crud... snot... MEGA crud... snot... crud... snot...

[after winning an on-line video game]

Atlas: Atlas wins again! Derek Wyatt of East-Gotham City... I dominate you.

Control Freak: I am the masterof monsters. I am your worst nightmares come to life. I am... Control Freak!

[Makes aplause sound with remote control and tvs]

Raven: A couch-potato with a souped-up remote. I'm petrified.

Control Freak: You will be. You will be.

[It is dark and Beast Boy has turned into an octopus]

Starfire: Eeek! Someones claws are on my grebnacks.

[Two popping sounds]

Beast Boy: Hehe... my bad

Raven: I am afraid. But that dosen't mean I can't fight back.

Kitten: Would it kill you to smile?

Robin: [pained, scary smile] Maybe.

Kitten: Hi, Robbiepoo!

Starfire: Robin... who is this girl, and why is she calling you "poo"?

Cyborg: Fuzzy dice? Now that's just tacky!

Robin: All you care about is destruction!

Slade: And all you care about, you destroy.

Terra: They actually trust me.

Mad Mod: Nothing teaches discipline better than a brain-erasing trance.

Mad Mod: Next lesson, physics! What goes up... STAYS UP!

Robin: Until I take it down!

Cyborg: I will NOT be havin' attitude from a BOAT!

Starfire: Hello, Starfire! Hello, tiny wooden replica of Starfire!

Mumbo: It's only fair to warn you - I have no idea what I'm doing!

Raven: Don't make me send you to another dimension.

Robin: You can't hold us here forever!

Spike: Now, don't be a sore loser. Atlas is just better than you, better than all of us!

Starfire: Your Atlas is nothing but a Zolworg Tubeck Plixing Zarbmarker!

Beast Boy: Yeah! What she said!

Spike: You watch your tone! Atlas is the greatest. He deserves your respect.

Raven: Sooo, do we get bathroom breaks?

[the Titans are treating Terra to lunch - Starfire holds up a plate of green gelatin containing what looks suspiciously like intestinal tract]

Starfire: Might you wish to partake of my home-made glorg?

[the other Titans mime "No! No!" at Terra, who wolfs it down in one bite]

Terra: Tasted like... sushi mixed with ice-cream. Got any more?

Starfire: I shall go cultivate the fungus!

Beast Boy: I'm just... practicing my nose-whistling!

[whistles]

Mad Mod: 'Ello, my duckies!

Mad Mod: My machines! That meddlin' little snot is gonna pay for...

[he turns and sees Robin, who grabs him by the shirt]

Mad Mod: Er... 'ello, Guv'nor!

Terra: My name is Terra and I have done horrible things. I have sworn to serve a dark master. I have obeyed his every command and commited crimes in his name. I have betrayed and attacked everyone who used to be my friend. One-by-one I have destroyed the Teen Titans. And with no one left to stop me I have brought an entire city to its knees. My name is Terra. I have done horrible things... and I have absolutely no regrets.

Starfire: You are a klorbag varblernelk!

Raven: Please tell me this isn't another ridiculous prank.

Beast Boy: Okay, it's not another ridiculous prank. It's a brilliant prank!

[repeated line]

Cyborg Decoy: Boo-yah!

[Cyborg is trying to pass as a student at the H.I.V.E]

Cyborg: Mmmm! Sloppy Joes! Just like the mad scientist who created me used to make!

Raven: Um... I know this isn't my style, but we just kicked Slade's butt. Shouldn't we... celebrate or something?

[Beast-Boy and Cyborg stare]

Beast Boy: Yeah!

Cyborg: All-you-can-eat...

Beast Boy: Free form...

Beast Boy, Cyborg: Breakfast explosion!

Raven: Sorry I asked.

[after Starfire returns from the future]

Beast Boy: [in tears] You're telling me I'M going to be BALD?

Starfire: Your Atlas is nothing but a Zolworg Tubeck Plixing Zarbmarker!

Beast Boy: Yeah, what she said!

Robin: What do you say we give him the sonic boom?

Cyborg: I got the sonic if you got the boom!

Cyborg: And the last slice of pizza goes to...

[spins the slice]

Cyborg: Terra!

Robin: All right, Terra!

Beast Boy: Whoo!

Starfire: You are the winner!

Raven: Um... way to go.

Cyborg: Just a rookie and already you're an MVP and the winner of the coveted four cheese trophy! The world wants to know, how does it feel?

Terra: Um, good, and kind of greasy.

[about to watch a scary movie]

Robin: Can't be any scarier than that documentary on hot-dogs Starfire made us watch.

Starfire: It was fascinating! I had no idea Earth-people ate so many pigs... and insects!

[Raven wakes up from a nightmare in her goth-style room]

Raven: Maybe I should consider redecorating.

Beast Boy: You guys... missed me?

Cyborg: Sure! Who else is going to help me wax the T-Car?

Robin: And spar with me in the gym?

Starfire: And wolf down nauseating amounts of tofu while Raven and I watch?

Raven: Uh... how about we just go out for pizza?

Raven: The book of Azar is not a toy!

Slade: Hello, Terra. Remember me?

Beast Boy: This is the best pie in the history of pie.

Starfire: [upon first meeting Terra] Curiosity abounds! Please, tell us where you are from, how you got here, what's your favorite color, and do you wish to be my friend?

Terra: Uh, Earth, walked, red, and, sure.

Starfire: [giving Terra a huge hug] Hello, new friend!

Beast Boy: [to the green Raven] What is with you? First you nuke breakfast, then you laugh at my jokes, then you're all weepy, now you're a Marine? Make up your mind!

[shouts]

Beast Boy: Who are you?

Raven: [pink, gray and green Raven] I'm Raven.

[Beast Boy has just caught Raven]

Raven: You saved me? I thought you didn't like me.

Beast Boy: Thought you didn't like me.

Cyborg: Hey! I like both of you! Now let's get out of here!

Raven: [smiling at Beast Boy and Cyborg] Thank you... friends.

Beast Boy: So then, we really are friends?

Raven: [nodding and blushing] Um-hmm.

Beast Boy: And you really think I'm funny?

Raven: Don't push it.

Raven: So... do we get bathroom breaks?

Cash: What's going on, Buddy?

Cyborg: I want my car.

Sammy: Yeah, see, um... the thing is... we sort of lost it in a race.

Cyborg: YOU LOST MY CAR? MY CAR LOST A RACE?

Cash: No way, we beat him easily. She handled like a dream.

Cyborg: She did? How'd you take the curve? Cause, you know, I've been working on the supsension part to d-d-d-d... Don't try to distract me.

Beast Boy: Umm... watch out for falling dinosaurs?

Slade: Will you destroy the Teen Titans?

Terra: I thought you'd never ask.

Beast Boy: Terra, Stop! We're your friends!

Terra: I don't have any friends. Remember?

[she punches him]

Raven: Terra.

Terra: Raven.

Raven: Traitor.

Terra: Witch.

Cyborg: [Cyborg and Beast Boy are playing racing car games] You wanna past me, but you can't pass me, you can't pass... YOU PASSED ME!

Beast Boy: You talk to fish? Yeah, right.

Aqualad: I'm talking to you, aren't I?

Beast Boy: Well, I, uh, technically, I'm a squid

Aqualad: It's called telepathy. Follow me.

Beast Boy: [imitating Aqualad] It's called telepathy.

Aqualad: I heard that.

Beast Boy: Who is this guy?

Cyborg: You're going to pay for that, you little grass stain!

Beast Boy: I may not be smart enough to know everything, but I'm dumb enough to try anything.

Raven: [after getting off of Beast Boy as a rhino] ... And now I smell like rhino butt.

Raven: Having that thing inside doesn't make you an animal. Knowing when to let it out is what makes you a man.

Beast Boy: Hmm, maybe you should call me Beast Man from now on.

Raven: We're having a moment here, don't ruin it.

[to her evil father, Trigon]

Raven: [raising her voice] I was protected by the monks of Azarath, I was raised by my friends. *They* are my family. *This* is my home!

[shouts]

Raven: And you are not welcome here!

Demon: You cannot hope to defeat pure evil.

Slade: Actually, I'm not such a nice guy myself.

Terra: Your not getting mad are you Raven? Beast Boy told me all about your temper tantrums.

Raven: Anger is pointless, my emotions are under control.

Terra: [mocking Raven] Nna! Nna! Nna! Anger is pointless, and your calling me a liar?

Cyborg: So, we really are friends?

Raven: Yes.

Beast Boy: And you really think I'm funny?

Raven: Don't push it.

Robin: I've stopped you before!

Slade: Robin, if you've "stopped" me, then why am I still here?

Slade: I have to say Raven, when I found out the truth I was very impressed. All this time I had no idea of the power lurking inside you. The glorious destiny that awaits. It's always the quiet ones, isn't it?

Beast Boy: [Beast Boy offers to rescue his team from a destructing underwater complex by turning into a whale and letting them ride in his mouth]

[pointing to mouth]

Beast Boy: Hello...

Raven: I'd really rather just stay here and drown.

Beast Boy: Now I know how George Washington felt when Napoleon beat him at Pearl Harbor.

Slade: Only a minor set back. Nothing two old friends can't handle.

Robin: I am not your friend.

Raven: [after discovering the sole occupant of a flying saucer] So we're being invaded by cows?

Raven: You may have created me. But you were *never* my father.

[blasts Trigon]

Trigon: Wretched - insignificant -

[gets blasted again]

Raven: Fathers are *kind*. Fathers *protect* you. Fathers *raise* you. I was protected by the monks of Azarath. I was raised by my friends. *They* are my family. *This* is my home. And you are not welcome here!

Cyborg: When I was at the H.I.V.E., for a time, I felt... normal.

Starfire: Well, I did not know you before, so to me, you *are* normal.

Robin: Slade. We're ready for you.

Slade: Give me the girl!

Robin: No way!

Slade: You don't really have a choice. I'm taking her.

Beast Boy: Oh, yeah? You and what army?

[an army of fire creatures appear and then Beast Boy screams]

Cyborg: You just had to ask, didn't you?

Slade: [to Trigon] For the record, I'm nobody's servant!

Trigon: The time has come. The prophecy shall be fulfilled. Tonight at dusk, when the planets align, the portal will be opened. Finally, I shall be free from this fiery prison and the Earth shall be mine.

Cyborg: All right, y'all, four eyes is history, his ghoulies are gone, and we just saved the whole dang universe! Who wants French toast?

Starfire: Oh, me, please. I shall consume them with gravy and the butter of peanuts.

Starfire: Cyborg, you seem all lobstery.

[everyone looks at her strangely]

Raven: I think she means crabby.

Starfire: [after getting their bodies back from being switched, to Raven] I am me! And you are you!

Cyborg: [the rest of the Titans have their bodies back] And we're us!

Robin: Thanks to you two.

Beast Boy: You go girls!

Starfire: We have done it!

[jumps and embraces Raven]

Raven: [horrified] Ummm... you're hugging me!

Beast Boy: Ooh, squiggly lines. Way informative.

Raven: Unbridled joy? Not really my thing.

Val Yor: I was trying to pay her a compliment.

Raven: Then why does it still sound like an insult?

[while fighting Plasmus]

Beast Boy: Only one thing worse than goo...

Raven: [flying by] Sneeze goo.

Beast Boy: Ewww... gross!

Raven: The gem was born of evil's fire. / The gem shall be his portal. / He comes to claim. He comes to sire. / The end of all things mortal.

[Robin just lost a fight]

Beast Boy: Dude, you got your butt kicked. It happens.

Raven: Happens to some of us more than others.

Raven: I'm still getting his drool off my face. I don't want him anywhere near my brain.

Beast Boy: See, it all started back in 1492 with this tea party, in Boston. King George, or maybe it was King Norm-anyway... The British were trying to make the colonists drink all this tea. But they were like, "Dude! No way! We're sick of your nasty old tea and your crummy English muffins!" So they decided, "Revolution!"

Raven: Where'd you learn you history? A cereal box?

Beast Boy: What's your point?

Raven: [sweat drops]

Beast Boy: British engineering. Finest in the world.

Raven: Can you please stop talking like that?

Beast Boy: You're just jealous because I sound like a rock star.

Cyborg: City Hall. We should be able to hide here. Til Mad Mod's tanks come to tear it down.

Raven: Whoa. That was actually more depressing than what I was going to say.

Raven: [just got a glimpse of Mad Mod's underwear] Okay... really not something I needed to see.

Beast Boy: Dude, turtles know what's up.

[ater Elastigirl of the Doom Patrol calls Beast Boy by his first name]

Cyborg: ..."Garfield?"

[Beast Boy gives embarrassed chuckle]

Raven: [wicked grin] Oh, I'm gonna get a *lot* of mileage out of this one.

[Control Freak is in a Teen Titans chatroom]

Titans Fanboy #1: Robin and Starfire forever!

Titans Fanboy #2: Starfire should be with BB.

Titans Fangirl: No way!

Red X: Kid, you take life way too seriously.

Kid Flash: Hold on a second. If you guys are called the "H.I.V.E. Five," how come there's six of you?

[awkward silence]

See-More: [feebly] 'Cause it... sounds cooler...

[Gizmo, Mammoth, and Kid Wykkyd have cornered Kid Flash in a dead-end corridor]

Gizmo: End of the road, snothead!

Kid Flash: You guys realize I can vibrate my molecules through solid matter, right?

[he phases through the wall and reappears behind the villains]

Kid Flash: Later, guys!

[runs off]

Starfire: Let us initiate a group hug!

Robin: Calling all Titans!

Madame Rouge: Yes, Robin, do keep in touch.

Beast Boy: Ex-Doom Patrol member Beast Boy, sir. How can I help? Wowzers! You're Robin, aren't you, sir?

Robin: Well, you can start by not calling me sir.

Robber: [bats come swarming out of the shadows] Who's there? I don't want any trouble.

Robin: You should have thought about that before you committed the crime!

Robber: Hey, this isn't your town. Aren't you suppose to be with...

Robin: Just moved here and from now on I work alone!

Beast Boy: [after being dropped on his head] Is it just me or are we getting our butts kicked?

Robin, Raven: [in unison] It's just you.

Robin: [wondering what Slade's motives were for helping Trigon take over the world] So, why did you do it? For money? Status? Those dark powers?

Slade: Not everything is so... cut-and-dry, Robin.

Robin: Selling out our world for your own personal gain seems pretty cut-and-dry to me.

Slade: With or without me, there was no stopping this.

Robin: But you played a part; And just like everything else you've ever done, it's made people suffer.

Slade: It's what I do best.

Pelican: Oh have you seen my hippo? He hides and I must seek.

Starfire: I cannot play. Please, do you know a strange man named Control Freak? He is big, not tall and nasty and known for causing strife. He escaped into the TV.

Beast Boy: Hey Star, run for your life!

Starfire: Never have I been so thankful to have nine stomachs.

Starfire: [while holding three strips of tofu bacon to her head] Observe. I am a Rorphian Zopgar.

[she giggles]

Starfire: [Cyborg and Beast Boy give her blank looks]

Starfire: On my planet, this is hilarious.

James T. Kirk: [Stepping aboard the bridge as its official captain] Bones! Buckle up!

Scotty: I like this ship! You know, it's exciting!

Christopher Pike: All power to forward shields. Prepare to fire all weapons!

Sarek: Spock, you are fully capable of deciding your own destiny. The question you face is: which path will you choose? This is something only you can decide.

[Kirk drives his stepfather's Corvette toward a cliff. As he skids sideways, he jumps out before the Corvette falls off while he hangs on the edge of the cliff. The Iowa cop chasing him steps off his bike as Kirk climbs off the cliff]

Young Kirk: Is there a problem, officer?

Iowa Cop: Citizen, what is your name?

Young Kirk: My name is James Tiberius Kirk!

[from trailer #2]

Nero: The wait is over.

[from trailer #3]

Nero: I've been waiting for this day my whole life... This day of reckoning.

[as the Narada pursues Spock, he suddenly whips the ship around and heads directly for it]

Nero: What's he doing?

Spock's Ship's Computer: Ambassador Spock, you are on a collision course.

Nero: [panicking] FIRE EVERYTHING!

Nero: James T. Kirk was considered to be a great man. He went on to captain the U.S.S. Enterprise... but that was another life. A life I will deprive you of just like I did your father!

Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Dammit, man! I'm a doctor, not a physicist!

Spock: [sits in the cockpit of his future self's ship, which springs to life] Fascinating!

Ayel: I will speak for Captain Nero.

Captain Robau: Then ask Captain Nero what gives him the right to attack a Federation vessel.

Ayel: [activates a hologram with Spock Prime's face] Do you know the location of Ambassador Spock?

Captain Robau: I'm unfamiliar with Ambassador Spock.

Ayel: What is the current stardate?

Captain Robau: Stardate? 2233.04. Where are you from?

[Nero comes from behind his throne and kills Captain Robau]

James T. Kirk: You know, coming back in time, changing history... that's cheating.

Spock Prime: A trick I learned from an old friend.

[With an uncharacteristic smile, he gives the Vulcan salute to Kirk]

Spock Prime: Live long and prosper.

Christopher Pike: I'm Captain Christopher Pike. To whom am I speaking?

Nero: Hi, Christopher. I'm Nero.

James T. Kirk: So what kind of combat training do you have?

Hikaru Sulu: Fencing.

Christopher Pike: [whistles to break up fight between cadets and Kirk] Outside! All of you! Now!

Christopher Pike: [to Kirk] You all right, son?

Kirk: [Looks at him upside down and stunned] You can whistle really loud, you know that?

George Kirk: What are we gonna call him?

Winona Kirk: We could name him after your father.

George Kirk: Tiberius? You kidding me? No, that's the worst. Let's name him after your dad. Let's call him Jim.

Winona Kirk: Jim. OK, Jim it is.

George Kirk: Sweetheart, can you hear me?

Winona Kirk: I hear you.

George Kirk: I love you so much. I love you...

Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Permission to speak freely, sir?

Spock: I welcome it.

Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Do you? OK, then. Are you out of your Vulcan mind? Are you making a logical choice, sending Kirk away? Probably. But, the right one? You know, back home we have a saying: "If you're gonna ride in the Kentucky Derby, you don't leave your prize stallion in the stable."

Spock: A curious metaphor, doctor, as a stallion must first be broken before it can reach its potential.

Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: My God, man, you could at least ACT like it was a hard decision.

Spock: I intend to assist in the effort to reestablish communication with Starfleet. However, if crew morale is better served by my roaming the halls weeping, I will gladly defer to your medical expertise. Excuse me.

Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: [as Spock leaves] Green-blooded hobgoblin.

James T. Kirk: [on Spock] Who was that pointy-eared bastard?

Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: I don't know, but I like him.

[last lines]

Spock Prime: [closing monologue] Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. Her ongoing mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life-forms and new civilizations; to boldly go where no one has gone before.

Spock: [to Kirk] Out of the chair.

Scotty: I've never beamed three people from two targets onto one pad before!

Spock Prime: What if I told you that your transwarp theory was correct, that is is indeed possible to beam onto a ship that is traveling at warp speed?

Scotty: I think if that equation had been discovered, I'd have heard about it.

Spock Prime: The reason you haven't heard of it, Mr. Scott, is because you haven't discovered it yet.

Scotty: I'm s... Wha... It... Are you from the future?

James T. Kirk: Yeah, he is. I'm not.

Scotty: Well, that's brilliant. Do they still have sandwiches there?

[the U.S.S. Enterprise is being sucked into a black hole, seconds away from doom]

Scotty: I'm giving her all she's got, Captain!

[the bridge ceiling begins to crack as the ship's drawn closer]

James T. Kirk: All she's got isn't good enough! What else ya got?

Scotty: Um... Okay, if we eject the core and detonate, the blast could be enough to push us away! I cannae promise anything, though!

[the viewing window starts to rupture]

James T. Kirk: DO IT, DO IT, DO IT!

Lt. Nyota Uhura: I'm impressed. For a moment there, I thought you were just a dumb hick who only has sex with farm animals.

James T. Kirk: Well, not only.

Burly Cadet #1: This townie isn't bothering you, right?

Lt. Nyota Uhura: Oh, beyond belief, but it's nothing I can't handle.

James T. Kirk: You could handle me, if that's an invitation.

Burly Cadet #1: Hey, you better mind your manners.

James T. Kirk: Oh relax, cupcake, it was a joke.

Burly Cadet #1: Hey, farm-boy, maybe you can't count, but there are four of us and one of you.

James T. Kirk: So, get two more guys and then it'll be an even fight.

James T. Kirk: What are you doing?

Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: I'm doing you a favor. I couldn't just leave you there looking all pathetic. Take a seat. I'm gonna give you a vaccine against viral infection from Melvaren mud fleas.

James T. Kirk: OW! What for?

Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: To give you the symptoms.

James T. Kirk: What are you talking about?

Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: You're gonna start to lose vision in your left eye.

James T. Kirk: Yeah, I already have.

Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Oh, and you're gonna get a really bad headache and a flop sweat.

James T. Kirk: You call this a favor?

Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Yeah. You owe me one.

Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: I may throw up on ya.

James T. Kirk: I think these things are pretty safe.

Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Don't pander to me, kid. One tiny crack in the hull and our blood boils in thirteen seconds. Solar flare might crop up, cook us in our seats. And wait'll you're sitting pretty with a case of Andorian shingles, see if you're still so relaxed when your eyeballs are bleeding. Space is disease and danger wrapped in darkness and silence.

James T. Kirk: Well, I hate to break this to you, but Starfleet operates in space.

Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Yeah. Well, I got nowhere else to go. The ex-wife took the whole damn planet in the divorce. All I got left is my bones.

Flight Officer: You need a doctor.

Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: I told you people I don't need a doctor, dammit - I AM a doctor!

Flight Officer: You need to get back to your seat.

Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: I had one. In the bathroom with no windows.

Flight Officer: You need to get back in your seat, NOW.

Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: I suffer from aviophobia - it means fear of dying in something that flies!

Flight Officer: Sir, for your own safety, sit down or else I'll make you sit down!

Chief Engineer Olson: I can't wait to kick some Romulan ass!

Sarek: Speak your mind, Spock.

Spock: That would be unwise.

Sarek: What is necessary is never unwise.

Spock: [on intercom] Dr Puri, report.

Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: It's McCoy. Dr. Puri was on Deck 6. He's dead.

Spock: Then you have just inherited his responsibility as Chief Medical Officer.

[McCoy looks at a burning medical room full of casualties from the attack]

Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Yeah, tell me something I DON'T know!

Spock Prime: To stop Nero, you alone must take command of your ship.

James T. Kirk: How? Over your dead body?

Spock Prime: Preferably not.

Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Well, congratulations, Jim. We've got no captain and no god-damned first officer to replace him.

Kirk: Yeah, we do.

[Kirk sits himself into the captain's chair]

Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: What?

Hikaru Sulu: Pike made him first officer.

Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: You gotta be kidding me!

Kirk: Thanks for the support.

Lt. Nyota Uhura: I sure hope you know what you're doing...

Lt. Nyota Uhura: [sarcastically] ... CAPTAIN.

Kirk: So do I.

James T. Kirk: Your ship is compromised, too close to the singularity to survive without assistance, which we are willing to provide.

Spock: [speaking privately] Captain, what are you doing?

James T. Kirk: Showing them compassion may be the only way to earn peace with Romulus. It's logic, Spock. I thought you'd like that.

Spock: No, not really. Not this time.

Nero: [replying to the offer of assistance] I would rather suffer the end of Romulus a thousand times. I would rather die in agony than accept assistance from you.

James T. Kirk: You got it! Arm phasers. Fire everything we've got!

Spock: We must gather with the rest of Starfleet... to balance the terms of the next engagement!

James T. Kirk: There won't BE a next engagement! By the time we've "gathered," it'll be too late! But you say he's from the future - knows what's gonna happen? - then the logical thing is to be unpredictable!

Spock: You're assuming that Nero knows how events are predicted to unfold. The contrary, Nero's very presence has altered the flow of history, beginning with the attack on the U.S.S. Kelvin, culminating in the events of today, thereby creating an entire new chain of incidents that cannot be anticipated by either party.

Lt. Nyota Uhura: An alternate reality.

Spock: Precisely. Whatever our lives might have been, if the time continuum was disrupted, our destinies have changed.

[Pike previously told Kirk he would be an officer in four years]

James T. Kirk: Four years? I'll do it in three.

Security Officer: [McCoy is half-carrying a loopy Kirk after injecting him with a vaccine. Kirk is scanned] Kirk, James T. He is not cleared for duty aboard the Enterprise.

Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Medical code states "The treatment and transport of a patient is to be determined at the discretion of his attending physician" - which is me! - so I'm taking Mr. Kirk aboard, or would you like to explain to Captain Pike why the Enterprise warped into a crisis without one of its senior medical officers?

Security Officer: As you were.

Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: [irritably] As YOU were!

Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: [to Kirk] Come on!

[He drags Kirk onto the ship]

Spock Prime: You are, in fact, the Mr. Scott who postulated the theory of transwarp beaming?

Scotty: That's what I'm talking about! How do you think I wound up here? Had a little debate with my instructor on relativistic physics and how it pertains to subspace travel. He seemed to think that the range of transporting something like a... like a grapefruit was limited to about 100 miles. I told him that I could not only beam a grapefruit from one planet to the adjacent planet in the same system - which is easy, by the way - I could do it with a life form. So, I tested it out on Admiral Archer's prized beagle.

James T. Kirk: Wait, I know that dog. What happened to it?

Scotty: I'll tell you when it reappears. Ahem. I don't know, I do feel guilty about that.

Scotty: So, the Enterprise has had its maiden voyage, has it? She is one well-endowed lady. I'd like to get my hands on her "ample nacelles," if you pardon the engineering parlance.

Sarek: You will always be a child of two worlds. I am grateful for this, and for you.

Spock: I feel anger for the one who took mother's life - an anger I CANNOT control.

Sarek: I believe... that she would say, "Do not try to." You asked me once why I married your mother. I married her because I loved her.

Spock: [standing across Lt. Uhura before he and Kirk are about to be beamed onto the Romulan warship] I will be back.

Lt. Nyota Uhura: [leaning in] You better be! I'll be monitoring your frequency.

Spock: [actually quite emotional] Thank you, Nyota.

James T. Kirk: [after Uhura leaves] So her first name's Nyota?

Spock: I have no comment on the matter.

Lt. Nyota Uhura: [to Spock, after the destruction of Vulcan] I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I'm so sorry.

[She kisses him along his face and hugs him; after a short hesitation, he hugs her back and leans into her]

Lt. Nyota Uhura: What do you need? Tell me.

[Uhura takes his face into her hands]

Lt. Nyota Uhura: Tell me.

Spock: [fighting for control] I need everyone to continue performing admirably.

[pushes the elevator button to continue]

Lt. Nyota Uhura: [tears in her eyes, nods] Okay.

[She kisses him and he kisses her back and when the elevator doors open and leaves her behind without a backward glance]

Spock: We are traveling at warp speed. How did you manage to beam aboard this ship?

James T. Kirk: Hey, you're the genius. You figure it out.

Spock: As acting captain of this vessel, I order you to answer the question.

James T. Kirk: Well, I'm not telling, "Acting Captain." What, did...?

[Kirk smiles]

James T. Kirk: What, now, that doesn't frustrate you, does it? My lack of cooperation? That-that doesn't make you angry...

Spock: [Spock turns to Scotty] Are you a member of Starfleet?

Scotty: I, um, yes. Can I get a towel, please?

Spock: Under penalty of court martial, I order you to explain to me how you were able to beam aboard this ship while moving at warp.

Scotty: Well...

James T. Kirk: Don't answer him.

Spock: You will answer me.

Scotty: [pause] I'd rather not take sides.

[Spock notices a elder Vulcan walking in the docking bay]

Spock: Father!

[the elder Vulcan turns and is revealed as Spock Prime]

Spock Prime: I am not our father.

[Young Spock, now recognizing who he is, approaches]

Spock Prime: There are so few Vulcans left, we cannot afford to ignore each other.

Spock: Then why did you send Kirk aboard when you alone could have explained the truth?

Spock Prime: Because you needed each other. I could not deprive you of the revelation of all that you could accomplish together, of a friendship that will define you both in ways you cannot yet realize.

Spock: How did you persuade him to keep your secret?

Spock Prime: He inferred that universe-ending paradoxes would ensue should he break his promise.

Spock: You lied.

Spock Prime: Aww... I... I implied.

Spock: A gamble.

Spock Prime: An act of faith. One I hope that you will repeat in your future in Starfleet.

Spock: In the face of extinction, it is only logical that I resign my Starfleet commission and help rebuild our race.

Spock Prime: And, yet, you can be in two places at once. I urge you to remain in Starfleet. I have already located a suitable planet on which to establish a Vulcan colony. Spock, in this case, do yourself a favor: Put aside logic. Do what feels right.

[Spock Prime turns and leaves]

Spock Prime: Since my customary farewell would appear oddly self-serving, I shall simply say...

[Shows Vulcan hand salute]

Spock Prime: Good luck.

Spock Prime: [after Kirk relieves Pike of command] Thrusters on full.

[Kirk and Scott run around the Enterprise's engineering section, evading capture, when they are finally cornered by an officer pointing a phaser at them - the same officer involved in the bar fight with Kirk in Iowa]

Burly Cadet #1: Come with me, cupcake!

James T. Kirk: [upon taking command of the Enterprise] Attention crew of the Enterprise, this is James Kirk. Mr. Spock has resigned commission and advanced me to acting captain. I know you are all expecting to regroup with the fleet, but I'm ordering a pursuit course of the enemy ship to Earth. I want all departments at battle stations and ready in ten minutes. Either we're going down... or they are. Kirk out.

Spock: If you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.

Vulcan Council President: You have surpassed the expectations of your instructors. Your final record is flawless, with one exception: I see that you have applied to Starfleet as well.

Spock: It was logical to cultivate multiple options.

Vulcan Council President: Logical, but unnecessary. You are hereby accepted to the Vulcan Science Academy. It is truly remarkable, Spock, that you have achieved so much despite your disadvantage. All rise.

[the Vulcan Council stands in honor of Spock, who now looks slightly pissed]

Spock: If you would clarify, Minister: to what disadvantage are you referring?

Vulcan Council President: Your human mother.

Spock: Council... Ministers, I must decline.

Vulcan Council President: No Vulcan has ever declined admission to this academy!

Spock: Then, as I am half-human, your record remains untarnished.

Sarek: Spock, you have made a commitment to honor the Vulcan way.

Vulcan Council President: Why did you come before this council today? Was it to satisfy your emotional need to rebel?

Spock: The only emotion I wish to convey is gratitude. Thank you, Ministers, for your consideration.

[In a tone reserved for telling someone to 'Go to Hell']

Spock: Live long and prosper.

James T. Kirk: [the night before he is scheduled to take the Kobayashi Maru test... ] If I pass, will you tell me your first name?

Lt. Nyota Uhura: NO! Get out!

[slams the door in his face]

James T. Kirk: [still suffering from the vaccine] My mouth is itchy. Is that normal?

Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Well, those symptoms won't last long. I'm going to give you a mild sedative.

James T. Kirk: Oh, I wish I didn't know you.

Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Don't be such an infant.

[He jabs Kirk with a hypodermic needle]

James T. Kirk: OWW! How long's it supposed to...

[he suddenly collapses on the bed]

Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: [Shaking his head] Unbelievable.

Kirk: [highly agitated and suffering side effects from McCoy hypospray] Uhura! Uhura!

Lt. Nyota Uhura: Kirk? What are you doing here?

Kirk: The transmission from the Klingon prison planet. What exactly...

Lt. Nyota Uhura: Oh, my God, what's wrong with your hands?

Kirk: [waves off the question with his bloated hands] I-i-it's... Look, who is responsible for the attack...

Lt. Nyota Uhura: What?

Kirk: ...and was the ship walullaa?

Lt. Nyota Uhura: "And was the ship... WHAT?"

Kirk: [to McCoy] Whass happening to my mouth?

Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: You got numb-tongue?

Kirk: NUM-TUNG?

Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: I can fix that!

[hurries off to find another hypospray]

Lt. Nyota Uhura: Was the ship what?

Kirk: Womulan!

Lt. Nyota Uhura: What? I...

Kirk: WOMULAN!

Lt. Nyota Uhura: Romulan?

Kirk: Yeah!

Lt. Nyota Uhura: Yes!

Kirk: Yes?

[Bones injects him with another hypospray]

Kirk: ACK! ACK!

[trying to say 'dammit']

Kirk: DAHHIT!

Kirk: Make that two. Her shot's on me.

Lt. Nyota Uhura: Her shot's on her.

[Turns to Kirk]

Lt. Nyota Uhura: Thanks but no thanks.

Kirk: Don't you at least wanna know my name before you completely reject me?

Lt. Nyota Uhura: I'm fine without it.

Kirk: You ARE fine without it. It's Jim, Jim Kirk.

[Waits for Uhura to introduce herself, and gets no reply]

Kirk: If you don't tell me your name I'm gonna have to make one up.

Lt. Nyota Uhura: [Reluctantly] It's Uhura.

Kirk: Uhura? No way! That's the name I was gonna make up for you! Uhura what?...

Lt. Nyota Uhura: Just Uhura.

Kirk: They don't have last names in your world?

Lt. Nyota Uhura: Uhura is my last name.

Kirk: Then they don't have... uh first names in your world?

[Uhura smiles]

Lt. Nyota Uhura: Gaila, who is he?

Gaila: Who's who?

Lt. Nyota Uhura: The mouth-breather hiding under your bed?

James T. Kirk: [comes out from under Gaila's bed] You can hear me breathing?

Spock Prime: James T. Kirk!

James T. Kirk: Excuse me?

Spock Prime: How did you find me?

James T. Kirk: Whoa... how do you know my name?

Spock Prime: I have been and always shall be your friend.

James T. Kirk: Wha...

[shakes head]

James T. Kirk: Uh... look... I-I don't know you.

Spock Prime: I am Spock.

James T. Kirk: Bullshit.

Spock: [Kirk has been appointed captain, and the Enterprise is preparing to depart. Spock enters the bridge] Permission to come aboard, Captain.

James T. Kirk: Permission granted.

Spock: As you have yet to select a first officer, respectfully, I would like to submit my candidacy. Should you desire, I can provide character references.

James T. Kirk: It would be my honor, Commander.

Spock: Acting Captain's Log, Stardate 2258.42. We have had no word from Captain Pike. I've therefore classified him a hostage of the war criminal known as Nero. Nero, who has destroyed my home planet and most of its six billion inhabitants. While the essence of our culture has been saved in the elders who now reside upon this ship, I estimate no more than 10,000 have survived. I am now a member of an endangered species.

Hikaru Sulu: The fleet has cleared spacedock, Captain. All ships ready for warp.

Christopher Pike: Set a course for Vulcan.

Hikaru Sulu: Aye-Aye, Captain. Course laid in.

Christopher Pike: Maximum warp. Punch it.

[One by one, the rest of the star fleet jumps into warp drive, leaving the Enterprise behind. Sulu frowns at the console, puzzled]

Christopher Pike: Lieutenant, where is Helmsman McKenna?

Hikaru Sulu: He has lungworms, sir. He couldn't report to his post. I'm Hikaru Sulu.

Christopher Pike: And you are a pilot, right?

Hikaru Sulu: Very much so, sir.

[he trails off, hitting buttons]

Hikaru Sulu: I'm, uh, I'm not sure what's wrong here.

Christopher Pike: Is the parking brake on?

Hikaru Sulu: Uh, no. I'll figure it out. I'm just...

Spock: Have you disengaged the external inertial dampener?

Hikaru Sulu: [Embarrassed. Without looking at anyone, he punches in the correct sequence] Ready for warp, sir.

Christopher Pike: Let's punch it.

Lt. Nyota Uhura: [Having just learned that she is assigned to the Farragut] Commander, a word?

Spock: Yes, Lieutenant?

Lt. Nyota Uhura: Was I not one of your top students?

Spock: Indeed you were.

Lt. Nyota Uhura: [the scene cuts to another location, where Uhura is still hounding Spock] And did I not, on multiple occasions, demonstrate an exceptional aural sensitivity, and I quote, "an unparalleled ability to identify sonic anomalies in subspace transmissions tests?"

Spock: Consistently, yes.

Lt. Nyota Uhura: And while you are well aware of my own qualified desires to serve on the U.S.S. Enterprise, I'm assigned to the Farragut?

Spock: It was an attempt to...

[he glances around, keeping his voice low]

Spock: ...avoid the appearance of favoritism.

Lt. Nyota Uhura: [Adamantly] No. I'm assigned to the Enterprise.

Spock: [He adjusts his roster list] Yes, I believe you are.

Lt. Nyota Uhura: Thank you.

Test Administrator: How the hell did that kid beat your test?

Spock: I do not know.

James T. Kirk: [hurling to his death with Sulu] Kirk to Enterprise. We're falling without a chute. Beam us up!

Transport chief: I'm trying. I can't lock onto your signal.

James T. Kirk: Beam us up!

Transport chief: You're moving too fast!

James T. Kirk: Beam us up!

Pavel Chekov: I can do zat! I can do zat!

Scotty: Except, the thing is, even if I believed you, right, where you're from, what I've done - which I don't, by the way - you're still talking about beaming aboard the Enterprise while she's traveling faster than light, without a proper receiving pad.

Scotty: [to Keenser] Get off there! It's not a climbing frame!

Scotty: [back to Spock Prime] The notion of transwarp beaming is like trying to hit a bullet with a smaller bullet whilst wearing a blindfold, riding a horse.

[Spock writes on a paper]

Scotty: What's that?

Spock Prime: Your equation for achieving transwarp beaming.

Scotty: [to himself] He's out of it

Scotty: [reads the equation] Imagine that! It never occurred to me to think of SPACE as the thing that was moving!

James T. Kirk: [to Spock] The test itself is a cheat, isn't it? I mean, you programmed it to be unwinnable.

Spock: Your argument precludes the possibility of a no-win scenario.

James T. Kirk: I don't believe in no-win scenarios.

Spock: Then not only did you violate the rules, you also failed to understand the principal lesson.

James T. Kirk: Please enlighten me.

Spock: You of all people should know, Cadet Kirk, a captain cannot cheat death.

James T. Kirk: [reminiscing] I of all people...

Spock: Your father, Lieutenant George Kirk, assumed command of his vessel before being killed in action, did he not?

James T. Kirk: I don't think you like the fact that I beat your test.

Spock: Furthermore, you have failed to divine the purpose of the test.

James T. Kirk: Enlighten me again.

Spock: The purpose is to experience fear, fear in the face of certain death, to accept that fear, and maintain control of oneself and one's crew. This is the quality expected in every Starfleet captain.

Pavel Chekov: Ensign Authorization code: nine-five-wictor-wictor-two!

[Authorization is not recognized]

James T. Kirk: Stardate: 2258.42... or, uh, 4... Whatever. Acting Captain Spock has marooned me on Delta Vega, in what I believe to be a violation of Security Protocol 49.09 governing the treatment of prisoners aboard a star...

[Kirk breaks off abruptly before completing the word starship as the howl of a predatory animal is heard, possibly heading his way]

Captain Robau: If I don't report in 15 minutes, evacuate the crew.

George Kirk: Sir, we could issue...

Captain Robau: There is no help for us out here. Use autopilot... and get off this ship.

George Kirk: Aye, Captain.

Captain Robau: You're captain now, Mr. Kirk.

Young Spock: You suggest I should become completely Vulcan, and yet you married a human.

Sarek: As Ambassador to Earth it is my duty to observe and understand human behaviour. Marrying your mother was... logical.

James T. Kirk: Bones, doesn't it bother you that no one's ever passed the test?

Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Jim, it's the Kobayashi Maru. NO one passes the test, and no one goes back for seconds, let alone thirds.

James T. Kirk: [leaving] I gotta study.

Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Study, my ass.

Christopher Pike: Mr. Spock, I'm leaving you in command of the Enterprise. Once we have transport capability and communications back up, you'll contact Starfleet and report what the hell's going on here. And if all else fails, fall back, rendezvous with the fleet in the Laurentian system. Kirk, I'm promoting you to First Officer.

James T. Kirk: What?

Spock: Captain? Please, I apologize. The complexities of human pranks escape me.

Christopher Pike: It's not a prank, Spock. And I'm not the captain. You are.

Christopher Pike: [to Kirk] Let's go.

James T. Kirk: Sir, after we knock out that drill, what happens to you?

Christopher Pike: Ah, I guess you'll have to come and get me.

Christopher Pike: [last word to Spock] Careful with the ship, Spock. She's brand new.

James T. Kirk: I don't feel right. I feel like I'm leaking!

Christopher Pike: Kirk, you, too. You're not supposed to be here, anyway.

James T. Kirk: Now, what is it with you, Spock? Hm? Your planet was just destroyed, your mother murdered, and you're not even upset!

Spock: If you are presuming that these experiences in any way impede my ability to command this ship, you are mistaken.

James T. Kirk: And yet you were the one who said fear was necessary for command. I mean, did you see his ship? Did you see what he did?

[pause]

Spock: Yes, of course I did.

James T. Kirk: So are you afraid or aren't you?

Spock: I will not allow you to lecture me about the merits of emotion.

James T. Kirk: Then why don't you stop me?

Spock: Step away from me, Mister Kirk.

James T. Kirk: What is it like not to feel anger... or heartbreak... or the need to stop at nothing to avenge the death of the woman who gave birth to you?

Spock: Back away from me.

James T. Kirk: You feel NOTHING! It must not even COMPUTE for you! You NEVER loved her!

[Spock snaps and attacks Kirk, nearly killing him]

Sarek: SPOCK!

[Spock regains control]

Amanda Grayson: There's no need to be anxious. You'll do fine.

Spock: I am hardly anxious, Mother. And "fine" has variable definitions. "Fine" is unacceptable.

Amanda Grayson: Okay.

Spock: May I ask a personal query?

Amanda Grayson: Anything.

Spock: Should I choose to complete the Vulcan discipline of Kolinahr and purge all emotion, I trust you will not feel it reflects judgment on you.

Amanda Grayson: Oh, Spock. As always, whatever you choose to be, you will have a proud mother.

Christopher Pike: Russian whizkid, what's your name? Chanko? Cherpov?

Pavel Chekov: Ensign Chekov, Pavel Andreievich, sir.

James T. Kirk: Scotty, how we doin'?

Scotty: Dilithium chamber at maximum, Captain.

Scotty: [noticing Keenser straddling a console] GET DOWN!

[Spock Prime and Kirk arrive at a derelict Starfleet outpost, and discover... ]

Scotty: You realize how unacceptable this is?

Spock Prime: Fascinating!

Scotty: Okay, I'm sure you're just doing your job, but could you not have come a wee bit sooner? Six months I've been here, living off Starfleet protein nibs and the promise of a good meal! And I know exactly what's going on here, okay? Punishment, isn't it? Ongoing! For something that was clearly an accident!

Spock Prime: [pleased] You are Montgomery Scott.

James T. Kirk: You know him?

Scotty: Aye, that's me. You're in the right place. Unless there's another hardworking, equally starved Starfleet officer around.

Keenser: Me.

Scotty: Get aff! Shut up! You don't eat anything! You can eat, like, a bean, and you're done. I'm talking about food. REAL food!

James T. Kirk: I relieve you, sir.

Christopher Pike: I am relieved.

Admiral Richard Barnett: This is Commander Spock. He is one of our most distinguished graduates. He's programmed the Kobayashi Maru exam for the last four years. Commander?

Spock: Cadet Kirk, you somehow managed to install and activate a subroutine in the programming code, thereby changing the conditions of the test.

James T. Kirk: Your point being?

Admiral Richard Barnett: In academic vernacular, you cheated.

James T. Kirk: Sulu, let's go home.

Young Spock: I presume you've prepared new insults for today.

Vulcan Bully #1: Affirmative.

Young Spock: This is your thirty-fifth attempt to elicit an emotional response from me.

Vulcan Bully #2: You're neither human nor Vulcan, and therefore have no place in this universe.

Vulcan Bully #1: Look. He has human eyes. They look sad, don't they?

Vulcan Bully #2: Perhaps an emotional response requires physical stimuli.

[shoves Spock]

Vulcan Bully #2: He's a traitor, you know, your father, for marrying her, that human whore.

[Spock beats up the bully]

Gaila: Jim, I think I love you.

James T. Kirk: That is so weird.

Gaila: Lights.

Computer: Lights on.

Gaila: Did you just say, "That is so weird"?

James T. Kirk: Yeah, I did, but...

Nero: We wait. We wait for the one who allowed our home to be destroyed, as we've been doing for 25 years.

Ayel: Once we've killed him?

Nero: Kill him? I'm not gonna kill him. I'm gonna make him watch.

Nero: That ship. Take it out.

Romulan: Sir, if you ignite the Red Matter...

Nero: [yelling] I want Spock dead now!

[through a mind meld with Kirk]

Spock Prime: Billions of lives lost because of me, Jim, because I failed.

Christopher Pike: You know, I couldn't believe it when the bartender told me who you are.

James T. Kirk: Who am I, Captain Pike?

Christopher Pike: Your father's son.

James T. Kirk: [Turns toward the bar] Can I get another one?

Christopher Pike: For my dissertation, I was assigned the U.S.S. Kelvin. Something I admired about your Dad: he didn't believe in no-win scenarios

James T. Kirk: Sure learned his lesson!

Christopher Pike: Well, it depends on how you define winning. You're here, aren't you?

James T. Kirk: [as beer is brought to him] Thanks.

Christopher Pike: You know that instinct to leap without looking, that was his nature too. And in my opinion it's something Starfleet's lost.

James T. Kirk: [laughing] Why are you talkin' to me, man?

Christopher Pike: 'Cause I looked up your file while you were drooling on the floor. Your aptitude tests are off the charts, so what is it? You like being the only genius level repeat offender in the Midwest?

James T. Kirk: Maybe I love it.

Christopher Pike: Look, so your Dad dies. You can settle for a less than ordinary life, or do you feel like you were meant for something better? Something special? Enlist in Starfleet.

James T. Kirk: [scoffs] Enlist!

James T. Kirk: [laughs] You guys must be way down on your recruiting quota for the month!

Christopher Pike: If you're half the man your father was, Jim, Starfleet could use you. You could be an officer in four years. You could have your own ship in eight. You understand what the Federation is, don't you? It's important. It's a peacekeeping and humanitarian armada...

James T. Kirk: Are we done?

Christopher Pike: I'm done.

Christopher Pike: [Gets up] Riverside Shipyard. Shuttle for new recruits leaves tomorrow morning, 0800.

Christopher Pike: [pause] Now, your father was captain of a Starship for 12 minutes. He saved 800 lives, including your mother's and yours. I dare you to do better.

Nero: I know your face from Earth's history.

James T. Kirk: Where you came from... did I know my father?

Spock Prime: Yes... you often spoke of him as being your inspiration for joining Starfleet. He proudly lived to see you become captain of the Enterprise.

James T. Kirk: CAPTAIN?

Spock Prime: A ship we must return you to as soon as possible.

Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Wait a minute, kid. How old are you?

Pavel Chekov: Seventeen, sir.

Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Oh... oh, good, he's seventeen.

Spock: Doctor... Mr. Chekov is correct.

Spock: [finding himself aboard the ship of his future self] It appears that you have been keeping important information from me.

James T. Kirk: You'll be able to fly this thing, right?

Spock: Something tells me I already have.

James T. Kirk: Good luck.

Spock: Jim... the statistical likelihood that our plan will succeed is less than 4.3%.

James T. Kirk: It'll work.

Spock: In the event that I do not return, please tell Lieutenant Uhura...

James T. Kirk: Spock. IT'LL WORK.

[Kirk rescues Pike]

Christopher Pike: What're you doing here?

James T. Kirk: Just following orders.

Spock: Get him off this ship.

James T. Kirk: Where are we?

Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Medical Bay.

James T. Kirk: This isn't worth it.

Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: A little suffering's good for the soul.

[first lines]

Communication Operator: U.S.S. Kelvin, go for Starfleet Base.

Kelvin Crew Member: Starfleet Base, we've sent you a transmission. Did you receive?

Starfleet Base: Kelvin, have you double-checked those readings?

Kelvin Crew Member: Our gravitational sensors are going crazy here. You should see this. It looks like a lightning storm.

Starfleet Base: What you've sent us doesn't seem possible.

Kelvin Crew Member: Yes ma'am. I understand. That's why we sent it.

[deleted scene: Spock's birth]

Sarek: I was thinking that we could name him after one of Vulcan's early society builders. His name was Spock.

[Amanda considers it]

Sarek: Your silence does not suggest enormous enthusiasm.

Amanda Grayson: No...

[trying it]

Amanda Grayson: Spock... Spock.

Sarek: He has your eyes.

Amanda Grayson: [laughs] And your ears.

[shakes her baby's hand]

Amanda Grayson: Hello, Spock.

Lt. Nyota Uhura: [During the Kobayashi Maru test] We are receiving a distress signal from the U.S.S. Kobayashi Maru. The ship has lost power and is stranded. Starfleet Command has ordered us to rescue them.

James T. Kirk: [clearly enjoying himself] "Starfleet Command has ordered us to rescue them... CAPTAIN."

Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: [rolls his eyes] Two Klingon vessels have entered the Neutral Zone and are locking weapons on us.

James T. Kirk: [Smugly] That's okay.

Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: "That's okay?"

James T. Kirk: Yeah, don't worry about it.

Test Administrator: Did he say "Don't worry about it?"

Test Administrator: Is he not taking the simulation seriously?

Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Three more Klingon warbirds decloaking and targeting our ship. I don't suppose this is a problem either.

Simulator Tactical Officer: They're firing, Captain.

James T. Kirk: Alert Medical Bay to prepare to receive ALL crew members from the damaged ship.

Lt. Nyota Uhura: And how do you expect us to rescue them when we're surrounded by Klingons, Captain?

James T. Kirk: [not taking anything or anyone seriously] Alert Medical

Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Our ship's being hit. Shields at sixty percent.

James T. Kirk: [nonchalantly] I understand.

Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: [exasperated] Well, should we - I dunno - fire back?

James T. Kirk: [pulls an apple out of nowhere and starts munching] No.

Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Of COURSE not.

[the entire simulation suddenly shuts down, then starts back up]

Test Administrator: What is this? What's going on?

James T. Kirk: Hm. Arm photons. Prepare to fire on the Klingon warbirds.

Simulator Tactical Officer: Yessir.

Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Jim, their shields are still up!

James T. Kirk: Are they?

Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: [checks again] No... They're not.

James T. Kirk: Fire on all enemy ships. One photon each should do. Let's not waste ammunition.

Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Target locked and acquired on all warbirds. Firing.

[the simulation shows the birds being destroyed one by one]

Simulator Tactical Officer: All ships destroyed, Captain.

James T. Kirk: Begin rescue of the stranded crew.

James T. Kirk: [grandstanding his victory] So! We've managed to eliminate all enemy ships, no one on board was injured AND the successful rescue of the Kobayashi Maru crew is... underway.

[takes a large bite out of his apple]

Ayel: Your species is even weaker than I expected.

[chokes Kirk]

James T. Kirk: I can't...

Ayel: You can't even speak!

[Kirk garbles]

Ayel: What?

James T. Kirk: I got your gun!

[shoots Ayel]

Spock: [volunteering for what could be a suicide mission] Romulans and Vulcans share a common ancestor. Our cultural similarities will make it easier for me to access the ship's computer to locate the device. Also, my mother was human, which makes Earth the only home I have left.

James T. Kirk: I'm coming with you.

Spock: I would cite regulation, but I know you will simply ignore it.

James T. Kirk: See? We are getting to know each other.

Kirk: [Bolts out of bed suddenly from being sedated] Lightning storm!

Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Ah, Jim, you're awake. How do you feel?

[He looks down, suddenly growing alarmed]

Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Good God, man!

Kirk: What? AH!

[He yelps and raises his hands, which are now twice their normal size]

Kirk: What the hell's this?

Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: A reaction to the vaccine, dammit! Nurse Chapel, I need 50 cc's of cortizone!

Nurse Chapel: Yes, sir!

[He starts scanning Kirk while Kirk replays Chekov's message]

Pavel Chekov: [on the computer] ... appeared to be a lightning storm in space.

Kirk: Bones! We gotta stop the ship!

[He takes off running down the hall]

Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: [running after him] Jim! I'm not kidding, you need to keep your heart rate down!

[he fumbles through a first aid kit while Jim accesses another computer console]

Kirk: Computer, locate crew member Uhura.

Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: You know, I haven't seen a reaction this bad since med school!

Kirk: We're flying into a trap!

[He starts running again]

Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Dammit, Jim, stand still!

[injects him yet again]

Kirk: [yelps in pain] OW! STOP THAT!

[he runs through the engine room, looking for Uhura]

[Repeated line]

Capt. Picard: Make it so.

Lt. Cmdr. Data: If the warp drive fails to activate, the results could be... unfortunate.

Lieutenant Worf: Very unfortunate. We will be dead.

[opening monologue]

Capt. Picard: Space... The final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. It's continuing mission, to explore strange new worlds. To seek out new life and new civilizations. To boldly go where no one has gone before.

Lieutenant Worf: Mute.

Commander William T. Riker: In your position it's important to ask yourself one question: what would Picard do?

Wesley Crusher: He'd listen to everyone's opinion and then make his own decision.

Lieutenant Worf: Nepo!

Capt. Picard: This is mutiny!

[repeated line]

Capt. Picard: Engage!

[repeated line]

Capt. Picard: Tea, Earl Grey, hot.

Klingon Commander: Federation ship Enterprise, surrender and prepare to be boarded.

Capt. Picard: [indignantly, under his breath] That'll be the day!

Lieutenant Worf: Mrs. Troi... I must protest your unauthorized presence on the bridge!

Lwaxana Troi: [pointing to tactical console] What does that little one do Mr. Woof?

Lieutenant Worf: Please Madame! That's is a torpedo launch initiator and it's - it is Worf madame, not Woof.

Capt. Picard: Shut up, Wesley!

Sora: I've been having these weird thoughts lately... like is any of this for real or not?

Kairi: So, suppose you get to another world. What would you do there?

Riku: Well, I haven't really thought about it. It's just... I've always wondered why we're here on this island. If there are any other worlds out there, why did we end up on this one? And suppose there are other worlds... then ours is just a little piece of something much greater. So we could have just as easily ended up somewhere else, right?

Sora: I don't know.

Riku: Exactly. That's why we need to go out there and find out. Just sitting here won't change a thing. It's the same old stuff. So let's go.

Ansem: This world has been connected. Tied to the darkness... soon to be completely eclipsed. There is so very much to learn. You understand so little.

Donald Duck: We've got a problem, Goofy! But don't tell anyone...

Goofy: [looking past Donald] Queen Minnie?

Donald Duck: Not even the queen!

Goofy: Daisy?

Donald Duck: No, it's top secret!

Goofy: G'morning, ladies.

[Donald turns and sees Minnie and Daisy standing behind him]

Ansem: One who knows nothing can understand nothing.

Goofy: While we're in other worlds, we can't let on where we're from. We've gotta protect the world border.

Donald Duck: Order, Goofy, order!

Goofy: Right, world order.

Riku: Once we set through, we might not be able to come back. We may never see our parents again. There's no turning back. But this may be our only chance. We can't let fear stop us! I'm not afraid of the darkness!

[Pluto sniffs in the direction opposite of where Donald is walking to]

Goofy: Uh, Donald. Ya know, I betcha that...

Donald Duck: Aw, what do you know, you big palooka?

Goofy: What do I know?

Yuffie: I think you might've overdone it, Squall.

Squall (Leon): That's Leon.

Squall (Leon): Still hard to believe that you of all people are the chosen one. Well, I suppose beggars can't be choosers.

Sephiroth: I am the chosen one!

[on board Captain Hook's ship]

Captain Hook: What? So Wendy's not one of the chosen ones?

Riku: There are seven, supposedly, and Maleficent says she's not one of them. Hoist anchor as soon as possible. Leave all the dead weight behind, including her.

Captain Hook: After the trouble of capturing her? And why those seven? What is Maleficent planning, anyway?

Riku: Who knows? As long as it means getting Kairi's heart back, I couldn't care less.

Captain Hook: You're wasting your time! The Heartless have devoured that girl's heart. I'll stake me other hand it's lost forever.

Riku: I will find it no matter what.

Riku: [to Sora] Take care of her.

Sora: Kairi! Remember what you said before? I'm always with you too. I'll come back to you... I promise!

Kairi: I know you will!

Riku: [his last lines, to Sora] Take care of her.

Ansem: Darkness conquers all worlds!

Sora: Gimme a break, Kairi.

Kairi: Sora, you lazy bum. I knew I'd find you snoozing down here.

Sora: No, no, this big black dream swallowed me up! I couldn't breathe, I couldn't - ow!

Kairi: Have you been dreaming again?

Sora: It wasn't a dream. Or was it? I don't know.

Kairi: Yeah, sure.

Sora: So Kairi, what was it like in your hometown, like where you grew up?

Kairi: I told you before, I don't remember.

Sora: Nothing at all?

Kairi: Nothing.

Sora: Would you ever like to go back?

Kairi: Hmm... Well, I'm happy here. But I wouldn't mind going to see it.

Sora: I would like to see it too, with any other worlds out there. I'd like to see 'em all.

Kairi: So what are you waiting for?

Phil: ...I hearby dub thee junior heroes.

Donald Duck: Hey, what do you mean "Junior Heroes"?

Ansem: [In Riku's body, facing the ocean] Look at this tiny place. To the heart seeking freedom, this island is a prison, surrounded by water. And so, this boy sought to escape his prison, and he opened his heart to darkness.

[Turns toward Sora, changing into Ansem]

Sora: Riku!

Ansem: Don't bother. Your voice can no longer reach him where he is. His heart belongs again to Darkness.

Sephiroth: [During battle] I will take you to the promised land!

Aerith: Okay, you know there are many other worlds out there besides your castle and this town, right?

Donald Duck: Yeah.

Goofy: But they're supposed to be a secret.

Aerith: They've been secret because they've never been connected. Until now. When the Heartless came, everything changed.

Goofy: Ansem?

Aerith: He was studying the Heartless. He recorded all his findings in a very detailed report.

Goofy: Gwarsh, uh, can we see it?

Aerith: Its pages are scattered everywhere.

Donald Duck: Scattered?

Aerith: To many worlds.

Squall (Leon): The Heartless have great fear of the Keyblade. That's why they'll keep coming after you no matter what.

Sora: Well, I didn't ask for it.

Yuffie: The Keyblade chooses its master. And it chose you.

Squall (Leon): So tough luck.

Sora: I wonder if I can find Riku and Kairi.

Donald Duck: Of course.

Goofy: [aside] Are you sure?

Donald Duck: [aside] Who knows? But we need him to come with us to help us find the king.

[the trio introduce themselves to one another]

Donald Duck: Donald Duck.

Goofy: Name's Goofy.

Sora: I'm Sora.

Goofy: All for one, one for all.

Hades: That little squirt took down that Heartless! Who'd have thought it?

Jafar: Such is the power of the Keyblade. The child's strength is not his own.

Ursula: Why don't we turn him into a Heartless? That'll settle things quick enough.

Captain Hook: And the brat's friends are the king's lackeys. Swoogle me eyes, they're all bilge rats by the look of them.

Oogie Boogie: You're no prize yourself.

Captain Hook: Shut up!

Maleficent: Enough. The Keyblade has chosen him. Will it be he who conquers the darkness? Or will the darkness swallow him? Either way, he could be quite useful...

Doorknob: Must you be so loud? You woke me up.

Goofy: Good morning.

Doorknob: Good night! I need a bit more sleep.

The Queen of Hearts: This girl is the culprit. There's no doubt about it. And the reason is... because I say so, that's why!

Alice: That is so unfair!

Alice: I've done absolutely nothing wrong! You may be queen, but I'm afraid that doesn't give you the right to be so... so mean!

Goofy: We're outsiders, so wouldn't that be muddling?

Donald Duck: "Meddling"!

Sora: Let Pincchio go, Riku!

Jimminy: [crying] Pincchio, Pincchio.

Riku: [proudly] A puppet that lost its heart to the heartless.

Pincchio: [slowly] Jimminy, I'm not gonna make it.

[nose grows a little]

Pincchio: I guess I'm okay.

Phil: Two words: you-guys-ain't-heroes.

Hook: Ahh! P-Peter Pa- blast you.

Peter Pan: Ready to make a splash, codfish? Now it's your turn to walk the plank!

Hades: Hey, it's like that old goat says: Rule 11: It's all just a game, so let loose and have fun with it! I mean, a casualty or two along the way is no big deal, right?

Hades: Geez. Stiffer than the stiffs back home.

Hades: Oh, right, there was one other rule I forgot: Accidents happen.

Phil: Kid, I've got two words of advice for you: attack!

Sephiroth: [during battle] Descend, heartless angel.

Ursula: You pathetic fools! I RULE THE SEAS NOW! ALL OF THE SEAS BOW TO MY POWER!

Phil: You rookies still don't understand what it takes to be a true hero.

Goofy: So, what does it take?

Hercules: Well, that's just something you'll have to find out for yoursevles. Just the way that I did.

Phil: I still can't believe that squirt actually beat Cerberus.

Hercules: [Aside] Just between us, I'd already worn Cerberus down by the time the little guy jumped in.

Phil: [Aside] My lips are sealed.

Cloud: I'm looking for someone. Hades promised to help. I tried to exploit the power of darkness, but it backfired. I fell into darkness, and I couldn't find the light.

Hades: He's strong, he's kind. He's always there for you, and he's handsome to boot. He's perfect. Perfect. Perfectly infuriating! He makes me crazy.

Hades: Who invited you to the party? Stay out of this. This is my show.

Maleficent: As you wish. Fight to your heart's content.

[as they're inside Monstro, something falls]

Goofy: Ya know, I think that big ol' whale Monstro just swallowed us. And for today's weather, expect showers.

[as something else falls]

Goofy: Heavy showers!

Jack Skellington: Oogie Boogie, give me back the heart!

Oogie Boogie: You want it? Well then, come on over here and get it!

Sora: Look, I got separated from my friends. Have you seen them?

[Tarzan looks at him, not understanding]

Sora: Friends...

Tarzan: Friends!

Sora: Right, my friends! There's two of 'em. The loud one is Dona...

[Sora pauses, deciding not to mention Donald or Goofy]

Sora: You know what? Never mind. I'm looking for my friends, Riku and Kairi.

Tarzan: Jane!

Jane Porter: Tarzan! Oh, and who is this?

Sora: Uh, hi there. I'm...

Jane Porter: Oh, you speak English! So, then, obviously, you're not related to Tarzan... Are you here to study the gorillas?

Clayton: Highly doubtful.

Clayton: A circus of clowns. Not much use for hunting gorillas.

Clayton: Blasted gorillas! I'll hunt down every last one of them! I'll track them down somehow. I'll stake my life on it.

Tarzan: Friends, same heart. Clayton, lose heart. No heart, no see friends. No heart, no friends.

Maleficent: Don't steep yourself in darkness too long. The Heartless consume the careless.

Jafar: Your concern is touching, but hardly necessary.

Aladdin: Legend has it that whoever holds the lamp can summon the...

Genie: Please, kid, leave the intros to a professional. The one and only GENIE OF THE LAMP! Rub-a-dub-dub the lamp and have your dearest wishes granted. Today's winner is... Aladdin! Congratulations!

Genie: Any three wishes! A one wish, a two wish, a three wish. Then I make like a banana and split! Our lucky winner made his first wish... and let me tell you, what a doozy that wish was... so he has two left. So, master, what'll you have for Wish Number Two?

Aladdin: Hmm, how about making me a fabulously wealthy prince?

Genie: Oooh! Money! Royalty! Fame! Why didn't I think of that? Okay, you asked for it! A hundred servants and a hundred camels loaded with gold! Just say the word and I'll deliver it in 30 minutes or less, or your meal's free. Hey, I'll even throw in a cappuccino!

Genie: Ah, fresh air! The great outdoors!

Sora: I guess you don't get out much, huh?

Genie: Comes with the job. Phenomenal cosmic powers. Itty-bitty living space.

Jafar: So sorry, boy. I'm afraid your second wish has been denied.

Maleficent: Beware the darkness in your heart. The Heartless prey upon it.

Riku: What? You'd rather fight me? Over a puppet that has no heart?

Sora: Heart or no heart, at least he still has a conscience.

Riku: Conscience?

Sora: You might not hear it, but right now it's loud and clear. And it's telling me you're on the wrong side!

Maleficent: There are seven maidens of the purest heart. We call them the princesses of heart. Gather them together, and a door will open to the heart of all worlds. Within lies untold wisdom.

Ursula: Those impudent fools will never find the Keyhole. But the girl could prove useful. And I've got the Heartless on my side. Triton, my old friend... Your day is coming.

Mayor: And now, allow me to introduce the master of terror, the king of nightmares... Jack Skellington!

Jack Skellington: The ingredients for a heart: Pulse.

[Frog]

Jack Skellington: Emotion.

Dr. Finkelstein: Terror.

[Spider]

Jack Skellington: Fear.

[Scratching glass]

Jack Skellington: Hope and despair.

[Two snakes eating each other, forming a circle]

Jack Skellington: Mix them all together, and we have a heart!

Oogie Boogie: A heart? That bonehead Jack is really making a heart? I'll be jiggered! That works for me! Ooh, when I get my hands on that... Well, I've got no hands, but I'm still gonna nab that heart and control the Heartless.

Hades: Hold it! How you're doin' everybody? Hades, Lord of the Dead nice to see ya! Hey. Guess what? I've got a place for you to go down UNDER!

Ansem: It is futile. The Keyblade alone cannot seal the door to darkness. Kingdom Hearts! Fill me... with the power of darkness...

[the doors start to open]

Ansem: Supreme darkness...

Sora: You're wrong. I know now, without a doubt. Kingdom Hearts... is LIGHT!

Ansem: Behold the endless abyss! Within lies the heart of all worlds: Kingdom Hearts! Look as hard as you are able; you'll not find even the smallest glimmer of light. From those dark depths are all hearts born... even yours.

Sora: Hey wait... What happened to my home - my island? Riku! Kairi...

Squall (Leon): You know what? I really don't know.

Riku: Sora.

[tosses Sora a paopu fruit]

Riku: You wanted one, didn't you?

Sora: A paopu fruit...

Riku: If two people share one, their destinies become intertwined. They'll remain a part of each other's lives no matter what. C'mon, I know you want to try it.

Sora: What are you talking...

[Riku laughs and Sora throws away the paopu fruit and they ran back to the toward thier boats]

Ansem: All worlds begin in darkness, and all so end. The heart is no different. Darkness sprouts within it, grows, consumes it. Such is its nature. In the end, every heart returns to the darkness whence it came. You see, darkness is the heart's true essence.

Sora: That's not true! The heart may be weak, and sometimes it may even give in. But I've learned that deep down, there's a light that never goes out!

Ansem: So, you have come this far and still you understand nothing. Every light must fade, every heart return to darkness!

Kairi: It's my lucky charm, be sure to bring it back to me!

Sora: I will.

Sora: Don't give up. I'm searching, too.

Cloud: ...For your light?

[Sora nods]

Cloud: [drops something into Sora's hand] Don't lose sight of it.

Kairi: No matter where I go, or... what I see... I know I can always come back here. Right?

Sora: ...Of course.

Kairi: That's good. Sora... don't ever change.

Donald Duck: But no frowning, no sad faces. Okay?

Goofy: Yeah! You gotta be funny, like us!

Donald Duck: [Donald shoves his head away] This boat runs on happy faces!

Sora: [downtrodden] ... Happy?

Winnie The Pooh: Think, think, think, think.

Sora: What are you thinking about this time?

Winnie The Pooh: I'm thinking about what to think about.

Dr. Finkelstein: What is a heart anyway?

Tigger: Name's Tigger, T-I-Double Gur-Er, that spells Tigger.

Maleficent: You poor simple fools. You think you can defeat me? Me, the mistress of all evil?

Riku: [to Maleficent, who is keeled over and gasping for air, having just lost a fight with Sora] Do you need some help?

Sora: [he, Donald, Goofy, and Beast appear] Riku!

Donald Duck: [referring to the object in Riku's hand] Is that -?

Riku: Yes, a keyblade. But unlike yours, mine holds the power to unlock peoples' hearts. Allow me to demonstrate... behold!

[thrusts the keyblade into Maleficent's heart]

Riku: Now, open your heart! Surrender it to the darkness! Become darkness itself!

[withdraws the keyblade]

Maleficent: This is it... ha ha! This power. Darkness. The true darkness!

[turns into a black dragon]

Riku: So, I shall release you now, Princess. Complete the keyhole with your power! Open the door, lead me into everlasting darkness!

[raises his keyblade to strike Sora]

Kairi: Sora!

Sora: [hops up and blocks Riku's keyblade with his own] Forget it! There's no way you're taking Kairi's heart!

Cloud: [Cloud walks into the arena and Sees Sephiroth] Finally, we meet...

Sephiroth: I was searching for you as well.

Cloud: As long as you continue to exist, I cannot awake from my nightmare. You are my darkness.

Sephiroth: Then turn towards that Darkness. Eternally refuse the light to the nightmare of no awakening!

[Cloud and Sephiroth raise swords, then fight]

Kairi: [to Sora] Don't ever forget: wherever you go, I'm always with you.

Ansem: [in battle] Still confused? Then perhaps this will enlighten you!

Ansem: [in battle] Darkness... witness real power!

Riku: Giving up already? C'mon, Sora, I thought you were stronger than that.

Captain Hook: [referring to Riku, who had Sora's party imprisoned on Hook's ship] That scurvy brat thinks he can order me around!

Mr. Smee: What shall we do, Captain Hook?

Captain Hook: Nothing! The hold is crawling with Heartless. Let them keep an eye on the brats.

Mr. Smee: But, Captain, you-know-who is also down...

Captain Hook: [suddenly shocked] Shh... Did you hear that, Smee? Oh, that dreadful sound!

Mr. Smee: No, Captain.

Captain Hook: [shaking Smee's shoulder] Are you quite sure? Did I imagine it? Oh, my poor nerves...

Jafar: [Sora's party had defeated Clayton] What drew the Heartless to that world?

Maleficent: The hunter lured them there. It was his lust for power that was the bait. But it seems the bait was too tasty for his own good.

Oogie Boogie: [laughs] Yeah, he got chomped instead!

Jafar: A weak-hearted fool like him stood no chance against the Heartless. But the boy is a problem. He found one of the Keyholes.

Maleficent: Fear not. It will take him ages to find the rest. Besides, he remains blissfully unaware of our other plan.

Ursula: Yes, the princesses...

Maleficent: They're falling into our hands, one by one.

[Alice is revealed, having been captured]

Maleficent: Speaking of which...

Mr. Smee: Uh, Captain...

Captain Hook: What?

Mr. Smee: The prisoners have escaped. What's more, Peter Pan is with them.

Captain Hook: Blast that Peter Pan! All right, then! Bring the hostage to me cabin, Smee! Hop to it!

[Sora's party and Riku try vainly to close the Door To Darkness. Then a silhouette appears]

Donald Duck, Goofy: [gasps] Your Majesty!

King Mickey Mouse: [holding up his own Keyblade] Now, Sora! Let's close this door for good!

Sora: But... What'll happen to you two?

King Mickey Mouse: Don't worry. There will always be a door to the light.

Goofy: Sora, you can trust King Mickey.

Riku: Now! They're coming!

King Mickey Mouse: Donald, Goofy, thank you.

[Sora's party shuts the door. Riku watches Sora as he is shut inside the realm of darkness]

Riku: Take care of her.

Sephiroth: Did You give him my message?

Sora: Maybe.

Cloud: Sorry to keep you, Sephiroth!

Sephiroth: Cloud... You'll never let go of the darkness...

Cloud: Shut up.

[Both raise swords]

Sephiroth: You'll never let go of your past...

Cloud: Shut up!

[Cloud attacks Sephiroth]

Sora: Cloud! Get him!

Sephiroth: Absurd. Defeating me is meaningless. You know that more than anyone, Cloud. No matter how many times I fall, Your darkness keeps calling me back!

Tifa Lockhart: Wrong!

Cloud: Tifa! Stay Back!

Tifa Lockhart: How can I? I wanna help you.

Sephiroth: You can't. He'll never let go of the darkness.

Tifa Lockhart: He dosent have too. He just needs someone to surrond him with light. The darkness will be there , Sephiroth. But in a place you can't reach!

Sephiroth: Is that right? Lets see what this light of yours can do.

[Sephiroth tries to attack Tifa]

Cloud: No!

Sora: Look out!

Tifa Lockhart: [Cloud jumps in front of Tifa and protects her] Cloud, you can have my light.

Sephiroth: The light doesn't suit you.

Cloud: I just... I don't know.

[Cloud starts to glow with light]

Sephiroth: Stop!

[Sephiroth lunges at Cloud]

[last lines]

Xaldin: Is this the end?

[he then dies]

Xigbar: Have you been a good boy?

Sora: Show yourself!

Xigbar: [appears] Oh, it sounds like you haven't

Xigbar: Sora! Roxas!

Sora: Roxas? Hey, did he just call me Roxas?

[Donald nods]

Xigbar: You've really put Organization XIII into a pickle, I guess that's why the Keyblade chose you, but man, did it pick a dud this time, you don't look like you're half the hero the others were

Sora: Are you done rambling?

Xigbar: Rambling? As if. All I'm trying to tell you traitor, is that your time is up

Goofy: [as Xigbar jumps down] Here he comes!

Axel: Roxas, alright. Fight, fight, fight!

Roxas: [stares at Axel blankly]

Axel: You really don't remember. It's me? You know, Axel?

Roxas: Axel?

Axel: Talk about blank with a capital B. Man, oh, man. Not even the dusks are gonna crack this one...

Roxas: [Axel's weapons appear in his hands] Wait a sec. Tell me whats going on!

Axel: [looks around] This town is His creation, right? Which means we don't have time for a Q and A. Your coming with me, concious or not. THEN you'll here the story.

[world starts to blur around them both]

Axel: Uh oh!

Roxas: What is going on?

[throws Kingdom Key to the ground, only to have it appear back in his hand]

Axel: Number 13, Roxas. The KeyBlade's Chosen One!

[gets into battle stance]

Roxas: [keyblade glows, and Roxas gets into battle stance] Ok, FINE! You asked for it!

Axel: That's more like it!

Demyx: I told them they were sending the wrong guy...

Sora: Who is this kook?

Demyx: [turns and points finger at Sora] Silence, traitor.

Demyx: Aw, we do too have hearts! Don't be mad!

DiZ: At last, the Keyblade's chosen one.

Roxas: Who are you talking to? Me? Or Sora?

DiZ: To half of Sora, of course. You reside in darkness. What I need is someone who can move about the realm of light and destroy Organization XIII.

Roxas: Why? Who are you?

DiZ: I am a servant of the world.

[laughs]

DiZ: And if I'm a servant, then you should consider yourself a tool, at best.

Roxas: Was that... was that supposed to be a joke?

[the Keyblade appears in his hands]

Roxas: 'Cause I'm not laughing!

Xaldin: [to the Beast] It's time you delt with Belle

Sora: [to Barbossa and Pete] That's Sora, Donald and Goofy to you! And don't you forget it!

Capt. Barbossa: Aye, that we wont, and we'll engrave it on your tombstones, to be sure

Pete: Woah, I like your style

Kairi: Maybe... waiting isn't good enough.

Axel: My thoughts exactly! If you have a dream, don't wait. Act.

Kairi: [Kairi looks around and sees someone]

Axel: [Axel appears] One of life's little rules. Got it memorized?

Kairi: Who are you?

Axel: Axel. I happen to be an acquaintance of Sora's.

Axel: Why don't we go see him?

Kairi: ...Sora?

Kairi: [Pluto barks; Kairi gasps]

Kairi: [dusks appear around Kairi and Pluto]

Axel: [a portal appears, Pluto runs toward it and barks] We've got something in common, Kairi. You and I both miss someone we care about.

Axel: Hey... I feel like we're friends already.

Kairi: [Kairi grunts and runs towards the portal] You're not acting very friendly!

Kairi: [runs into the portal with Pluto]

Kairi: Hey, what is this place?

Kairi: [hears a whistle and runs into another portal]

Kairi: [sees a man in a black cloak] Huh?

Kairi: [everything disappears]

Hayner: [Kairi is laying on the floor of the Usual Spot] You okay?

Kairi: [awakens] What?

Pence: You and that dog came flying out of a whole in the wall! You nearly gave us heart attacks.

Pence: Oh, Sora!

Sora: Um... Pence, right?

Pence: Do you know a girl named Kairi?

Sora: [excited] K-Kairi? I sure do!

Pence: Then you better come to the station.

Sora: [smiles]

Hayner: [scene skips to Pence and Sora running toward the station] He-ey!

Sora: [Hayner and Olette run to Sora and Pence] Hey, so how do you guys know Kairi?

Hayner: [Olette and Hayner look at each other, then look to the ground]

Sora: Kairi was really here?

Hayner: Yeah. And... she said she was looking for you.

Sora: Tell me where she is!

Hayner: Well...

Olette: [in a flashback] What a romantic story!

Kairi: [Kairi smiles]

Pence: If you stick around, Sora's bound to show up.

Hayner: Yeah, he said he's coming back.

Kairi: Okay!

Axel: What took you so long Kairi?

Axel: [Axel appears] Somehow, I just knew you'd be here.

Axel: I tell ya Kairi, you've got a lot of guts, jumping right into the darkness like that.

Hayner: [Hayner atempts to punch Axel but falls through him]

Pence: [Pence tries the same but falls through him]

Axel: [slowly approaches Kairi and takes her arm] Let go of me! Let go!

Sora: [Kairi had been kidnapped by Axel again; Sora is sad and worried] Kairi...

Goofy: Ya think it mighta been, Axel?

Donald Duck: [nods]

Hayner: Sorry...

Sora: Hey, it's not your fault. C'mon cheer up!

Sora: [sighs, sad again] Like I can even say that...

Sora: [Goofy looks at an emotionless Sora; Sora stomps his foot on the ground and Goofy falls back] I gotta help Kairi!

Pence: [the crystals of the Struggle trophy fall to the ground; Hayner, Pence, and Olette pick them up] That was close!

Sora: [picks up the blue crystal and holds it towards the sun]

Donald Duck: [Hayner, Pence, and Olette do the same; Sora turns into Roxas for a minute] Sora?

Goofy: Sora! Are you okay?

Sora: Huh? What...?

Beast: Listen Belle...

Belle: Yes?

Sora: [Beast is trying to find the right words] Say it!

Lumiere: Go on!

Donald: C'mon!

Mrs. Potts: You can do it!

Cogsworth: We have confidence

Goofy: Don't be bashful now

Beast: [he turns back to Belle again] Belle, I'd like you to stay... With me... Please?

Belle: [she smiles at him] I will

Roxas: I hate you so much.

DiZ: You should share some of that hatred with Sora. He's far too nice for his own good.

Aerith Gainsborough: Think of it as a sort of "Leon compliment".

Goofy: You're thinking too much.

Goofy: We've been sleeping.

Cid Highwind: [sarcastically] Where? In cold storage?

MCP: Is that the best a User can do?

Axel: Look at what it's come to. I've been given all these icky orders to destroy you- if you refuse to come back with me.

Roxas: We're... best friends, right?

Axel: Sure... but I'm not getting turned into a dusk for...

Axel: [realizes what Roxas has just said] Wait a sec! You remember now?

Roxas: Y... eah.

Axel: Great! But you know, gotta make sure and all.

Axel: [happy] So umm... What's our boss's name?

Roxas: [says nothing]

Axel: [frowns] Can't believe this.

Roxas: [last lines in the game, to Sora] Look sharp!

[unites with Sora]

Roxas: What's gonna happen to me now? Just tell me that. Nothing else really matters anymore.

Naminé: You are...

[she flickers]

Roxas: Naminé!

[she vanishes; DiZ appears]

DiZ: There's no knowledge that has the power to change your fate.

Roxas: Even if it doesn't, I wanna know. I have the right to know!

DiZ: A Nobody doesn't have a right to know. Nor does it even have the right to *be*.

MCP: Tron... don't you understand? We don't need Users. We've advanced; they're superfluous. Be a part of me, and together the world will be ours to control!

Tron: MCP. You still don't get it, do you?

Tron: You're inside a mainframe computer system.

Sora: A what system?

Tron: A computer system - for processing data. This system is a copy of one created by a corporation called ENCOM. The original program was destroyed. But this copy was acquired by another User. The new User updated and customized the programs, renaming the system "Hollow Bastion OS." He used the system for town maintenance, and to advance his private research. My name is Tron. I'm a security program. But now I'm under arrest, same as you.

Sora: [to Donald and Goofy] Did you guys get any of that?

Tron: A computer system - -for processing data. This system is a copy of one created by a corporation called ENCOM. The original program was destroyed. But this copy was acquired by another User. The new User updated and customized the programs, renaming the system "Hollow Bastion OS." He used the system for town maintenance, and to advance his private research. My name is Tron. I'm a security program. But now I'm under arrest, same as you.

Sora: Did you guys get any of that?

Sora: [Falling to his knees] Riku! It's Riku. Riku's here... I looked for you!

Riku: C'mon, Sora. You've got to pull it together...

Sora: I looked everywhere for you!

Riku: ...I didn't want you to find me.

Axel: [to Sora, about Roxas] He was the only one I liked. He made me feel... like I had a heart.

Sora: [Elizabeth and Will are hugging] Good for them.

Goofy: Uh huh!

Donald Duck: [turns to Sora] Hey Sora, how come your face is all red?

Sora: [covering his cheek] What? It is not red!

Donald Duck: Aw, I know who you're thinking about!

Donald Duck, Goofy: [Donald and Goofy laugh]

Axel: Simply amazing, Roxas.

Roxas: Axel.

Axel: You really do remember me this time? I'm SO FLATTERED.

Axel: [Axel is enraged, a ring of fire forms around him and Roxas] But you're too late!

Xigbar: [repeated] As if!

Xemnas: I need... more rage... I need more... hearts...

Sora: Xemnas. There's more to a heart than just anger or hate. It's full of all kinds of feelings. Don't you remember?

Xemnas: Unfortunately... I don't.

[fades away]

DiZ: Now, for the finishing touches. First, we must dispose of Naminé. She did a splendid job with Sora, but it's high time she disappeared. Roxas isn't the only one who was never meant to exist.

Ansem the Wise: It's been too long, my friend.

Mickey Mouse: Ansem the Wise. Why didn't you come to me before things got so bad?

Ansem the Wise: Xemnas, the Organization's Superior, is the Nobody of Xehanort, my foremost apprentice. The burden was mine to bear.

Mickey Mouse: Is that all?

Ansem the Wise: I won't deny there was more. I was... obsessed with thoughts of revenge. My apprentices stole everything precious to me: my research, and my pride.

Xemnas: Denizens of light, answer this: why do you hate the darkness?

Mickey Mouse: Aw, we don't hate it. It's just kinda... scary. But the world's made of light AND darkness. You can't have one without the other, 'cause darkness is half of everything. Sorta makes ya wonder why we are scared of the dark...

Riku: It's because of who's lurking inside it.

Xemnas: You accept darkness, yet choose to live in the light. So why is it that you loathe us who teeter on the edge of nothing? We who were turned away by both light and dark - never given a choice?

Riku: That's simple. It's because you mess up our worlds.

Xemnas: That may be... however, what other choice might we have had?

Sora: Just give it a rest! You're Nobodies! You don't even exist! You're not sad about anything!

Xemnas: [laughs] Very good. You don't miss a thing. I cannot feel... sorrow... No matter what misery befalls the worlds. No matter what you think, what you feel, or how you exist.

Sora: You are different, Kairi, but I'm just glad you're here!

Kairi: You and Riku never came home... so I came looking for you.

Sora: [looking away from her] I'm sorry.

[Kairi hugs him suddenly]

Kairi: This is real...

Xemnas: Hearts are power. Nothingness is eternal!

Xemnas: [last words] Cursed... Keyblade...

Sora: You're a girl?

Mulan: You didn't notice?

Sora: Oh, Cloud

Donald Duck: Wahatcha doing?

Cloud: I'll get him. This time we settle it. Me, and the one who embodies all darkness in me.

Donald Duck: I thought you looked kinda different Cloud.

Cloud: If I do, it's his fault.

Sora: Whose?

Cloud: Sephiroth, Tell me if you see him.

Sora: Okay, what's he look like?

Cloud: Silver hair. Carries a long sword

Sora: Sure, Well, be seeing you Cloud

Cloud: Be careful. He messes with your head. Makes you think darkness is the only way

Cloud: Sephiroth. Tell me if you see him.

Sora: Okay. What's he look like?

Cloud: Silver hair. Carries a long sword.

Sephiroth: That last bit of light is always the hardest to snuff out.

[Hades summons Auron from the green vortex]

Hades: Let's cut to the chase. Here's the deal I'm gonna offer you. I'll let you out of the slammer - no strings - you'll be free as a bird.

[Pete waves to Auron a little]

Hades: And all for one little job. Fight Hercules, in the Coliseum... to the death!

[Auron's mouth can be seen]

Auron: This is my story. And you're not part of it.

[Auron draws his sword]

Hades: [angered] Did you forget who you're talking to? I am the Lord of the Dead!

Auron: Heh. No wonder no one wants to die.

Hades: [angered] You are FIRED!

[Hades gets fired up and goes against Auron]

Sora: [Sora, Tron, and co. have defeated the MCP. After some talk, Tron kneels down and hugs Sora] Um... uh...?

Tron: Isn't this what users do when they're sad to say goodbye?

Tron: You, my friends, are the new password!

Xemnas: I was wondering who would dare interfere with my Kingdom Hearts. And look - -here you all are. How convenient for me. Ansem the Wise... You look pathetic.

DiZ: Have your laugh. I deserve as much for failing to see you for the fool you are.

Xemnas: Students do take after their teachers. Only a fool would be your apprentice. After all, none of this would have happened without you. YOU are the source of all Heartless. It was your research that inspired me to go further than you ever dared.

DiZ: I admit... my disregard brought chaos to more worlds than one. But what were YOU seeking? You erased me from the world, only to take my name and continue research better left forgotten... Is this the answer you've been looking for?

Xemnas: All that and more. I'm carrying on what you yourself began, and I'm creating a brand new world, one heart at a time. I thought you'd praise me, but all you ever do is hold me back. I understand, though. Unlike me, you have a heart. And you're powerless to control it. Consumed, by the jealousy you feel toward the student who surpassed you.

DiZ: Xehanort. Foolish apprentice of a foolish man. You have surpassed nothing - -only proved how little we both know. We may profess to know the heart, but its essence is beyond our reach. We're both ignorant - -as oblivious as when we began. I'm afraid that any world you try to create... Any world of yours... would be an empire of ignorance. That is why you and your creation are destined to fall!

DiZ: We've said enough! Riku, you know what to do! King Mickey, my friend, forgive me! Farewell!

Maleficent: Do not misunderstand me. I shall have my revenge on you yet.

Emperor of China: Dragons have crossed our land and left a great web of paths. These dragons wield much power, and they are the source of many gifts to both man and nature. But it would seem someone of evil intent disturbed one of our dragons, and transformed it into what you call a Heartless. It is my belief that this young man came to warn me of that danger. Then, I could alert and prepare my troops.

Sora: Did you?

Emperor of China: I was about to, but he told me the situation had changed.

Captain Li Shang: He said three "wise guys" had arrived, and they would take care of things.

Beast: Look at me. Look. This is what I am. When you first got here, I tried to change. But I was only fooling myself. I can't be any different. I'll always be a beast. So, I should live like a beast. With no one, alone. Goodbye, Belle.

Auron: I lived my life defending others. But now... there's no one left to protect. Maybe... it's time I shaped my own story.

DiZ: I do not claim to know the outcome of this venture, either. After all... hearts are unpredictable.

DiZ: The process of encoding hearts is incalculable. The inhabitants of my Twilight Town were data created from real hearts. I was convinced that they would think and behave the way I had envisioned - -but I couldn't have been more wrong. A heart is so much more than any system. I saw it when Roxas and Kairi crossed paths. I knew. But I was too stubborn to accept it. It's always the same. I try to wrap my mind around things my heart already knows, only to fail. While I was trying to bring Sora back, I had so many plans in store. But once Sora was an acting force, they fell apart. All my research amounted to nothing, compared with that one boy's heart.

Xemnas: [to Kingdom Hearts] Hear me, Kingdom Hearts! It seems we must begin anew. Ah, but know this: I will give to you as many hearts as it takes. Mark my words! You can no more be complete without me than I without you. Heed me, Kingdom Hearts! Lend me your power, so that we may be complete! The power to erase the fools that hinder us.

Mickey Mouse: Xemnas! No!

Xemnas: Hearts quivering with hatred...

Sora: Xemnas! Don't

Xemnas: Hearts burning with rage...

Donald Duck: You'll never win!

Xemnas: Hearts scarred by envy... That fool Ansem said the heart's true nature was beyond his understanding. Buts it's not beyond mine! Hearts are the source of all power!

[Disappears into Kingdom Hearts]

Captain Barbossa: [as Sora and company had defeated the last of the pirates before facing off against him] Pete, come out! The tide has changed!

Sora: Lowlife!

Hades: You're too kind, kid.

[Dissapears]

Capt. Jack Sparrow: [Ducks as Will extends his hand to shake] I didn't want you hitting me again mate

Mickey Mouse: They'll pay for this!

Captain Barbossa: But, the Heartless... stay.

Xemnas: You are the source of all heartless.

Santa Claus: Jack, don't tell me you've got ideas about Christmas again!

Sora: [to Jack] Again?

Jack Skellington: It's a long story...

Hades: Did you forget who you're talking to? I am the Lord of the Dead!

Auron: Heh, no wonder no one wants to die.

Riku: How'm I supposed to face everyone?

Sora: Like this!

[makes a wierd face]

Riku: [laughs]

Xemnas: Heroes from the realm of light, I will not allow it to end this way - not yet. If light and darkness are eternal, surely we nothings are the same! Eternal!

Riku: You're right. Light and darkness are eternal. Nothing probably goes forever, too. But, guess what Xemnas?

Sora: That doesn't mean YOU'RE eternal!

Xemnas: [laughs] No more eternal than that radiance of yours...

Aerith Gainsborough: Is something wrong?

Sora: Uhh...

Cloud: It's nothing.

Aerith Gainsborough: [Playfully pushy] Hmmm...?

Cloud: I don't want you involved.

Aerith Gainsborough: You mean you don't want me there when you go away again?

Cloud: I just - Listen, even if I go far away, I'll come back.

Aerith Gainsborough: Do you mean it?

Cloud: [Looks away] Yeah.

Aerith Gainsborough: See? You don't look so sure. Well, okay, I understand. Go - get things settled.

Cloud: Huh?

Aerith Gainsborough: No matter how far away you are... once you find your light... I'm sure it will lead you back here again. Right?

Cloud: I suppose.

Aerith Gainsborough: So I'll stay here - and I'll cheer for you - Okay, Cloud?

Cloud: Okay.

Hades: I am the Lord of the DEAD!

Auron: No wonder no one wants to die.

Sora: We're back!

Kairi: You're home.

Riku: [sadly] How am I going to face everyone?

Sora: Like this...

[he makes a funny face]

Sora: [Riku laughs]

Axel: Bingo. The name's Axel, got it memorized?

[repeated line]

Axel: Got it memorized?

[Goofy has been hit on the head with a rock, then slid headfirst into a rock wall, is not moving, and is believed to be dead]

Donald Duck: Oh... Goofy!

Sora: This is not happening... This can't be happening! It can't be...

Mickey Mouse: They'll pay for this...

Riku: If the world is made of light and darkness... We'll be the darkness.

Ansem: I've waited and I want an answer. Just what is it do you want.

DiZ: Revenge.

[from trailer]

Mulan: This is the end!

Riku: What I said back there... about thinking I was better at stuff than you... To tell you the truth, Sora... I was jealous of you.

Sora: What for?

Riku: I wished I could live life the way you do. Just following my heart.

Sora: Yeah, well, I've got my share of problems, too.

Riku: Like what?

Sora: Like... wanting to be like you.

Riku: Well, there is one advantage to being me... Something you could never imitate.

Sora: Really? What's that?

Riku: Having you for a friend.

Sora: Then I guess... I'm okay the way I am. I've got something you could never imitate too.

Ansem: Is it that hard to make a beach?

DiZ: We'd be giving the enemy an entry point.

Ansem: [Shows a pouch of Munny] And this?

DiZ: [Looks back at it] We could always buy Sea Salt Ice Cream.

[laughs and turns back to computer]

DiZ: Items from that town don't belong in the real world. You can delete that.

Capt. Jack Sparrow: [unable to remember Sora's name] Zola!

Demyx: Dance Water! Dance!

Axel: [fighting alongside Sora against Nobodies] Whew. I think I liked it better when these things were on my side.

Sora: [Glances back to Axel] Feeling a little regret?

Axel: [smirks back at Sora] Nah, I can handle these punks. Watch this!

[Performs a Kamikaze finishing move, obliterating the Nobodies]

Sark: You're quite persistent, Tron.

Tron: I'm also better than you!

Kairi: Thinking of you, wherever you are. We pray for our sorrows to end, and hope that our hearts will blend. Now I will step forward to realize this wish. And who knows: starting a new journey may not be so hard, or maybe it has already begun. There are many worlds, and they share the same sky - one sky, one destiny.

Roxas: No one would miss me.

Axel: That's not true.

[Roxas leaves]

Axel: I would.

Seifer Almasy: That was undeniable proof that we totally OWNED you lamers.

DiZ: Xehanort. Foolish apprentice of a foolish man.

Squall Leonhart: [standing back-to-back with Cloud, surrounded by heartless] Think you can handle this many?

Cloud: Well... Might be tough if one more shows up.

Squall Leonhart: Hm. Then that'll have to be the one *I* take care of.

Cloud: What, you're fighting too?

Hercules: Don't be such a sore loser, Hades!

Hades: Yeah, yeah, Styx and stones. Hey, maybe you should go check on that Hydra you neglected to finish off. I hear things are really FALLING APART up there, champ.

Sora: [to Xigbar] I bet you're just trying to psyche me out by saying really random stuff.

Xigbar: Gee... I just don't know.

[silence]

Xigbar: Be a good boy now!

[disappears]

Hades: This is MY Underworld, you idiot!

Hades: Styx and stones.

Demyx: Run-Run away!

[vanishes in a cloud of black smoke]

Sora: ...Oookay...

Sora: [overly excited] And then we can go see Santa!

Donald: [Looks at Sora with discontent]

Sora: [pause] But first, the Heartless!

[repeated line]

Auron: [to Hades] This is my story. You're not part of it.

Elizabeth Swann: Ahoy mateys!

Capt. Jack Sparrow: Ridiculous imitation, but I'm flattered.

Ursula: [to Ariel] Should I change you into a human, Ariel? Or should I change you into something else? Ha ha ha!

Axel: Let's meet again, in the next life.

Roxas: Yeah, I'll be waiting.

Axel: Silly. Just because you have a next life.

[disappears]

Seifer Almasy: Hey, Chicken Wuss.

Axel: You and I both miss someone we care about.

Demyx: Oh, it's no use.

Sora: [to Ursula, after defeating Flotsam and Jetsam] Sorry, 'Mommy'! Your poopsies are toast!

Sora: [after Axel uses a Kamikaze attack to save Sora from a large group of nobodies] you're... fading away?

Axel: Well... that's what happens when you put your entire being into an attack. not that nobodies actually HAVE beings, right?

[laughs]

Axel: My heart just wouldn't be in it, you know? haven't got one.

Sora: I'm Sora.

Donald Duck: And I'm Donald.

Goofy: Nice to meet'cha Tron. I'm Goofy.

Sephiroth: Did you give Cloud my message?

Sora: Maybe.

Cloud: Sorry to keep you, Sephiroth!

Sephiroth: Cloud... You'll never let go of the darkness...

Cloud: Shut up.

[Both raise swords]

Sephiroth: You'll never let go of your past...

Cloud: Shut up!

[Cloud attacks Sephiroth]

Xigbar: Geeze Roxas... you've really put Organization XIII in a pickle.

Pence: Hey guys, all our - - is gone! Huh? I can't even say the word - - !

Demyx: Lets see here...

[pulls out a notecard]

Demyx: 'If the subject fails to respond... use agression to liberate his true disposition.'

Demyx: ...Right.

[puts note card away]

Demyx: Did they ever pick the wrong guy for this one...

Saïx: True, we don't have hearts. But we remember what it was like. That's what makes us special.

Goofy: Whaddaya mean?

Saïx: We know very well how to injure a heart.

Goofy: Uhh... hey Sora, why're you blushing? Your face is all red.

Sora: huh? I-I'm not blushing!

[watching Elizabeth and Will get cozy with one another]

Donald: [sing song voice] I know who you're thinking of!

Sora: Riku, you've been hanging out in the darkness too long. You gotta try to think positive.

Xemnas: Anger and hate are supreme.

Roxas: Sora. You're lucky. Looks like my summer vacation is... over.

Saïx: Pitiful Heartless, mindlessly collecting hearts. And yet they know not the true power of what they hold. The rage of the Keyblade releases those hearts. They gather in darkness, masterless and free... until they weave together to make Kingdom Hearts. And when that time comes, we can truly, finally exist!

Xemnas: You have arrived. I've been to see him... he looks a lot like you.

Roxas: Who are you?

Xemnas: I'm what's left or... maybe I'm all there ever was.

Roxas: I meant your name.

Xemnas: My name is of no importance. What about you? Do you remember your true name?

Roxas: My true name... is...

[first lines]

Sora: [Roxas's voice] A scattered memory like a far-off dream. A far-off dream like a scattered memory. I want to line the pieces up, yours and mine.

Goofy: Hey! It's... um... it's Iago!

[Sora and Donald draw their weapons]

Iago: No, wait, you got me all wrong

Donald Duck: You're Iago alright

Sora: [after hearing Nala's plan to overthrow Scar] We can't just go around knocking Kings off their thrones

Sephiroth: What is Cloud doing?

Sora: Beats me

Sephiroth: Hmph

[pause]

Sephiroth: By the way, you three...

Sephiroth: [Draws sword and aims it at Sora Donald and Goofy; Sora draws his Keyblade] Who are you?

Goofy: I don't think we should tell ya that

Sephiroth: [Looks at Sora's Keyblade] That's an interesting sword your carrying

Donald Duck: It's the Keyblade!

Sephiroth: So, that's a Keyblade, and you must be it's chosen weilder

Sora: So what if I am?

Sephiroth: I wonder if it won't change it's mind, once I defeat you!

Roxas: Another dream about him...

Sora: [laughs nervously] There goes our ride...

Riku: At least the waves sound the same...

Xemnas: Ansem the Wise... you look pathetic.

Sora: Why did you call me Roxas?

Xigbar: Wouldn't you like to know...

[Xigbar Dies]

[Luxord raises cards to block Sora's attack, but Fails]

Luxord: Roxas... how could you...

Sora: That's SORA!

[Luxord Dies]

[after losing to Sora in a time game]

Luxord: ...you play the game well.

Jafar: No... How can I BE defeated again, by a pack of filthy street rats?

Sora: Don't mess with street rats.

Saïx: Why... Kingdom Hearts... where is my heart?

Saïx: [Saïx dies]

Demyx: [screaming] No way!

[Demyx dies]

Sora: Anyone from the Organization who'd like to be next?

Donald Duck: Hey, Sora! Don't antagonize them!

Goofy: Yeah, we gotta go help our friends out first.

Sora: Oh. Sorry.

Donald Duck: Then let's go!

Tifa Lockhart: [Addressing Sora, Donald, and Goofy] I'm looking for somebody. Have any of you seen a guy with spiky hair?

[Donald and Goofy look at Sora. Sora tugs on one of his hair spikes]

Tifa Lockhart: [Tifa chuckles] Spikier.

[says it everytime you make Sora dismiss Genie from summoning]

Genie: Genie, over and out!

Captain Barbossa: I feel... cold.

[dies]

Sora: You're bizzare... Ah!

[Demyx pulls Olympus Stone out of his pocket]

Goofy: He's gotta be the theif!

Demyx: Now that's just plain rude!

[last lines]

[as "Destiny Islands" plays]

Riku: Nothing's changed, huh?

Sora: Nope. Nothing will.

Riku: What s small world.

Sora: But part of one that's much bigger.

Riku: Yeah.

Sora: Hey, Riku... what do you it was - -the door to the light?

Riku: [indicates his heart] This.

Sora: This?

Riku: Yeah. It's always closer than you think.

Kairi: [running up with a message in a bottle] Sora! Riku!

Sora: Hey, what's up?

Kairi: Look.

Sora: From the King?

[Sora opens the bottle and reads the message. "Hand in Hand" plays as he and his friends anticipate another mission. The scene fades out]

Sora: I don't get it. Why's everybody been calling me Roxas?

Riku: Because, Sora. Roxas is your Nobody.

Sora: My... Nobody? But that's crazy, I never turned into a Heart... Oh, right.

Pete: Ooh, ow!

Goofy: You know, somethin' doesn't seem quite right here. Are you sure you're Pete?

Pete: Well, of *course* I'm Pete. I'm the captain of the steamboat. So stop botherin' me, see?

[waves his fist]

Pete: So hit the road! I gotta go find the little runt what stole my boat!

Saïx: If I had a heart, this would be where I'd die of laughter.

Saïx: Only you could have made it this far in one piece... Roxas.

Sora: That's really getting old!

Donald Duck: Yeah! He's Sora!

Saïx: [summons Claymore and assumes a battle stance] Different name, same fate.

Saïx: Don't let your guard down. Axel will stop at nothing to turn you into a Heartless

Sora: [sarcastically] Gee, thanks for looking out for us, mister. But I'm sure we can take care of ourselves just fine.

Saïx: Glad to hear it. Axel aside, it would break our hearts to hear something happened to you.

Donald Duck: Hearts? You don't have any hearts!

Saïx: True, we don't have hearts. But we remember what it was like. That's what makes us special.

Sora: [after cards had appeared to remove his friends from the area, Luxord appears] You!

Luxord: I'd rather we just skip the formalities

Sora: Just let me into the realm of darkness, okay?

Saïx: If it's Kairi you're worried about, don't. We're taking very good care of her.

Sora: Take me to her.

Saïx: Is she that important to you?

Sora: Yeah. More than anything.

Saïx: Show me how important.

Sora: [Sora reluctantly gets down on his hands and knees] Please.

Saïx: So, you really do care for her. In that case-... the answer is no.

Hayner: Man, doesn't that tick you off?

Pence: Yeah, that's just wrong.

Olette: Seifer's gone too far this time.

[Roxas nods]

Hayner: I mean, it's true that stuff's been stolen around town. And we've got a score to settle with Seifer and everything. So if he wants to think we did it, I can't really blame him. See... that's not what really bugs me. What really bugs me is that he's goin' around tellin' everybody *we're* the thieves! Now the whole town and their mothers are treating us like the Klepto Club! Have you ever been this ticked off before in your life? 'Cause I haven't. Nuh-uh, *never*. Now... what to do.

Roxas: Uh... well... We could find the real thieves. That would set the record straight.

Pence: Hey, that sounds like fun!

Hayner: What about Seifer?

Roxas: First, we gotta clear our names. Once we find the real culprit, everyone will get off our backs.

Captain Barbossa: You'd best start believin' in ghost stories, Miss Turner. For, you see, tonight - you're in one!

Pete: Aztec treasure, eh?

Capt. Barbossa: Aye! And thanks to the curse put on it, we are neither among the livin' nor the dead.

Pete: Really? 'Cause ya look like regular pirates to me.

Capt. Barbossa: Ah, but in the moonlight...

[the moon emerges from behind a cloud and turns Barbossa and his pirate crew into their cursed skeletal forms]

Pete: Whoa! Okay, now I get what you're sayin'... Well, if you see two doofuses and a brat holdin' a Keyblade, steer clear. They got a kinda magic that don't belong in this world, see? And nobody knows what it'll do to ya. 'Specially when the moon's showing whatcha really are.

[the moon disappears behind another cloud and the pirates lose their skeletal form]

Capt. Barbossa: A match for Barbossa, you say?

Saïx: [to Sora] Are you angry? Do you hate me? Then take that rage, and direct it at the Heartless. Pitiful Heartless, mindlessly collecting hearts. And yet they know not the true power of what they hold. The rage of the Keyblade releases those hearts. They gather in darkness, masterless and free... until they weave together to make Kingdom Hearts. And when that time comes, we can truly, finally exist.

Maleficent: What in the world do you think you're prattling on about? Kingdom Hearts belongs to me! The heart of all kingdoms, the heart of all that lives. A dominion fit to be called Kingdom Hearts must be *my* dominion!

Sora: Maleficent, no! No more Heartless!

Maleficent: I do not take orders from you!

Sora: Hey, Pooh Bear! How you doing? Finding enough honey lately?

Winnie the Pooh: Oh, yes. In fact, I was just about to do my stoutness exercises. Would you like to join me, Sora?

Sora: Sure, I'm game!

Maleficent: [to Pete] You absolute idiot! You've managed to fail at everything! And what's more... you foolishly thought you could take my place while I was away. Well, as of now, you're finished. Mark my words, there'll be no place for you when our time comes! Useless imbecile...

[she leaves]

Pete: But-but... but I...

[at Timeless River, Sora and co. encounter the old-timey Pete running past, almost out of breath]

Sora: Hey, hold it right there!

Pete: No way, small fry! I finally found the pipsqueak what stole my steamboat!

Donald Duck: Yeah! It was you!

Pete: Right, me! No! No! It wasn't me! It's just somebody who looked like me!

Sora: Aw, which is it?

Winnie the Pooh: Hello, Somebody-I-Don't-Know!

[Sora and co. are trying to say goodbye to Ariel]

Sora, Donald Duck, Goofy: [singing] Even though we're hitting the road, our worlds are all connected...

Sora: [spoken] ... which means...

Sora, Donald Duck, Goofy: [singing] We are free to come and go...

Donald Duck: [spoken] ... and sing!

Sora, Donald Duck, Goofy: [singing] So don't be sad and always know we'll come back soon to say hello!

Mushu: [hiding in Mulan's armor] Who you callin' a shrimp, panda lips?

Axel: Xemnas is using you to destroy the heartless- that's his big master plan.

Donald Duck: Xemnas?

Axel: The guy you just saw. He's their leader. Got it memorized? X-E-M, N-A-S.

Goofy: Organization XIII wants to get rid of the Heartless?

Axel: Man, you're slow. Every Heartless slain with that Keyblade releases a captive heart. That is what the Organization is after.

Squall Leonhart: Finished?

Cid Highwind: Would be, if it weren't for the old loon's magic.

Merlin: OLD loon you say?

Mickey Mouse: Well, the guy in the picture is definitly the one who tried to take over Kingdom Hearts; the one you fellas defeated. But, what you guys actually fought was his Heartless. You see, he wasn't really Ansem, he just went around telling everybody that he was!

Xemnas: I'm creating a brand new world, one heart at a time.

Capt. Jack Sparrow: I don't know who these Organizers are, but I will say they're makin' we pirates look like proper gents.

Riku: Xemnas was the one who found Roxas. He could use the Keyblade because he was your Nobody. That's why Xemnas brought him into the Organization. But Roxas betrayed him. After that, I fought him because I thought it'd help you wake up. I lost, but the next time we met, I made sure I was the stronger one.

Capt. Jack Sparrow: Anyone who invokes "parley" must not be harmed 'til negotiations are complete.

Sora: [to Simba after defeating Scar] You're okay!

Pete: [Approaches] Aw, that was just a sneak preview! 'Cause this ain't over-not by a long shot!

[Points over to cliff edge]

Pete: [Scar's paw comes up as he climbs backs up] Anger and jealousy turned the king of Pride Rock into a Heartless! Oh, your kingdom's gonna rise again... But this time, as the Pride Lands of Darkness!

[Scar jumps back onto cliff]

Simba: That's what you think!

[Battle starts]

Emperor of China: He did not offer a name. He was rather rude.

Sora: Rude? Then it WAS Riku!

Maleficent: Why Pete, this castle is perfect. We should acciqure it...

Pete: Well the setup is kinda nice I guess... but what about all the Heartless?

Saïx: Xemnas, is Kingdom Hearts ready?

Xemnas: Almost.

Saïx: So I can end this charade?

Xemnas: Indeed.

Saïx: Oh how I've waited to hear that.

Saïx: Only you could have made it this far in one peice, Roxas.

Sora: That's really getting old.

Xemnas: Ansem the wise... you look pathetic...

Xemnas: Riku, are you sure you're not jealous of Sora?

Donald Duck: It's the guy who's *not* Ansem!

Aerith Gainsborough: Bon appetite. Don't talk with your mouth full.

Maleficent: I will be sending them

[Heartless]

Maleficent: to Xemnas, or would you rather fight them yourself?

Pete: Well my dear, I'd rather *run*!

Xemnas: Sora, are you sure you can trust Riku?

Sora: Sorry "mommy" your poopsies are toast.

Riku: Nothing's changed, huh?

Sora: Nope, nothing will.

Riku: What a small world.

Sora: But part of one that's much bigger.

Saïx: Can you feel it, the moons power?

Xemnas: Hear me Kingdom Hearts it seems we must begin anew. Ah, but know this. I will give to you as many hearts as it takes. Mark my words! You can no longer be complete without me than I without you. Heed me Kingdom Hearts! Lend me your power so we may be complete! The power to erase the fools that hinder us.

Daisy Duck: Donald! You forgot our date again!

[Hercules has discovered that the Hydra has demolished the Coliseum]

Hercules: [looking around] I failed...

Megara: It's not your fault!

Hercules: I left everyone unprotected.

[slams the ground]

Hercules: Hades was right. I'm just a... a washout.

Philoctetes: Aw, come on, champ! I didn't train you to think like that.

Megara: Wonderboy...

Sora: Phil's right. This is no time to beat yourself up.

Hercules: I'm some hero...

Pete: [confronting Sora's party in the Underworld] What's wrong? Can't fight in the Underworld? Ohh, boo-hoo-hoo!

Sora: Better think again!

Sora: You don't remember my name? Thanks a lot, Kairi.

[Xigbar appears in front of Donald]

Donald Duck: What's the big idea?

Xigbar: Oopsy-daisy!

Sora: Move!

Xigbar: Now, do you think that's polite, shutting me down like that?

Sora: I said get outta the way!

Xigbar: As if! You can talk all you want, but that won't change a thing.

Donald Duck: Then we're gonna MAKE you move!

Xigbar: See, that would work - if I were just any old dude. 'Cept I'm not. I'm with the Organization. Nothing "any old" about me.


	11. Chapter 10 THE END

Placard: In the year 2148, explorers on Mars discovered the remains of an ancient spacefaring civilization. In the decades that followed, these mysterious artifacts revealed startling new technologies, enabling travel to the furthest stars. The basis for this incredible technology was a force that controlled the very fabric of space and time. They called it the greatest discovery in human history. The civilizations of the galaxy call it... MASS EFFECT.

Ashley Williams: Why is it whenever someone says "with all due respect", they really mean "kiss my ass"?

Mira: It looks like you are trying to restore this facility. Would you like some help?

Commander Shepard: Oh crap, a pop-up.

[Shepard and company, trapped in a crumbling mine, confront opposition]

Commander Shepard: In case you hadn't noticed, this whole place is falling apart!

Krogan Mercenary: Exhilarating, isn't it?

Urdnott Wrex: So this is the famous turian general? How did your kind ever defeat us?

General Septimus: I may be drunk, krogan, but you're ugly. And tomorrow I'll be sober.

Kaiden Alenko: Now we have to find... to find...

Commander Shepard: [sees the Thorian] That's... large.

Ashley Williams: That puts a whole new spin on the phrase "drop on the floor and give me twenty".

Commander Shepard: You still sassin' me soldier? I think you need more physical training.

Ashley Williams: Tsk. Now, skipper, what will it take to prove I'm in prime condition?

Saren Arterius: Your species must know its place.

Commander Shepard: Together we can stop Sovreign. We don't have to submit to the Reapers. We can beat them!

Saren Arterius: I no longer belive that Shepard. The visions cannot be denied. The Reapers are too powerful. The only hope of survival is to join with them. Sovreign is a machine. It thinks like a machine. If I can prove my value, I become a resource, worth maintaining. There is no other logical conclusion.

Commander Shepard: You were a Spectre. You swore to protect the galaxy. Then you broke that vow to save yourself.

Saren Arterius: I'm not doing this for myself. Don't you see, Sovreign will succeed. It is inevitable. My way is the only way any of us will survive. I'm forging an alliance between us and the Reapers, between organics and machines, and in doing so, I will save more lives than have ever existed. But you would undo my work. You would doom our entire civilization to complete annihilation, and for that, you must die.

Commander Shepard: You think I'm crazy, don't you?

Urdnott Wrex: Sometimes crazy is the best way to go.

Sovereign: We have no beginning. We have no end. We are infinite. Millions of years after your civilization has been eradicated and forgotten, we will endure.

Sovereign: We are legion. The time of our return is coming. Our numbers will darken the sky of every world.

Sovereign: We are eternal. The pinnacle of evolution and existence. Before us, you are nothing. Your extinction is inevitable. We are the end of everything.

Krogan Mercenary: Surrender. Or don't. That would be more fun.

Salarian Businessman: [talking on extranet "phone"] I need you to find some information on - are you ready for the name? - 'Rannadril Ghan Swa Fulsoom Karaten Narr Eadi Bel Anoleis'. No, that's the administrator.

Conrad Verner: What if you signed me on as another Spectre?

Commander Shepard: Conrad, I haven't been shot in the head nearly enough times to make that sound like a good idea.

Saren Arterius: Is submission not preferable to extinction?

[last lines]

Captain David Anderson: Shepard's right. Humanity is ready to do its part. United with the rest of the Council, we have the strength to overcome any obstacle. When the Reapers come, we must stand side by side. We must fight against them as one. And together we can drive them back into dark space!

Urdnott Wrex: In the ruins at Therum: Sterile White... Protheans sure built things homey.

Kaiden Alenko: I think we're gonna need a bigger boot, Commander.

Ashley Williams: So all we have to do is find this Thorian thing and... woah.

Commander Shepard: We're gonna need bigger guns.

Gianna Parasini: [arresting Anoleis] You have the right to remain silent. I wish to God you'd exercise it.

Tali'Zorah nar Rayya: [in Citadel elevator] So, Dr. T'Soni, all these Prothean ruins we're exploring - this must be like a survey for you.

Liara T'Soni: Not exactly. For one, I am usually alone on my expeditions, and two, they involve much more time for study... and far fewer explosions.

Tali'Zorah nar Rayya: Yes, it's a pity that most of the technology I had planned to bring back to the Flotilla has subsequently tried to kill us.

Tali'Zorah nar Rayya: How can you fight your own people?

Urdnott Wrex: Anyone who fights us is either stupid or on Saren's payroll. Killing the latter is business. Killing the former is a favor to the universe.

Female Commander Shepard: The council represents more races than I thought. No wonder they're careful with newcomers.

Kaiden Alenko: They probably just want to keep everything running. It has to be hard keeping all these cultures working together.

Ashley Williams: Or maybe they just don't like humans.

Female Commander Shepard: Why not? We've got oceans, beautiful women, this emotion called love. According to the old vids, we have everything they want.

Kaiden Alenko: When you put it that way, there's no reason they wouldn't like you. I mean, us! Humans! Ma'am.

Ashley Williams: You don't take much shore leave, do you, L-T?

Ashley Williams: Yeah, well if you want me in a tin foil mini skirt and thigh-high boots, I'm gonna need dinner first... Uh... sir...

Tali'Zorah nar Rayya: [to Shepard] What is it about you that makes people think we enjoy being in harm's way?

Urdnott Wrex: Just because I like you doesn't mean I won't kill you.

Commander Shepard: You must have family other than your father. Don't you miss them?

Urdnott Wrex: You trying to make me cry, Shepard?

Captain Matsuo: Sergeant Stirling, secure their weapons.

[the team draws]

Urdnott Wrex: Don't try it.

Commander Shepard: Let's not start a fight.

Urdnott Wrex: Why not?

Ashley Williams: Huh. Nobody died.

Kaiden Alenko: I could shoot someone if it would make you feel better.

Ashley Williams: Nah, I'm good.

Commander Shepard: You must have had some kind of interesting experience.

Urdnott Wrex: Well, there was this one time the Turians tried to wipe out our entire race. That was fun.

Matriarch Benezia: No light? They always said there would be a light...

Liara T'Soni: Who votes to take the vehicle into the creepy underground tunnel?

Tali'Zorah nar Rayya: I'm pleased that the imminent destruction of all organic life has improved you career opportunities.

Charles Saracino: If aliens express their opinions at gunpoint, then why shouldn't we?

Urdnott Wrex: Because they have bigger guns?

Sovereign: We impose order on the chaos of organic evolution. You exist because we allow it, and you will end because we demand it.

Ashley Williams: What *is* that? Some kind of VI interface?

Sovereign: Rudimentary creatures of blood and flesh. You touch my mind, fumbling in ignorance, incapable of understanding.

Ashley Williams: I don't think this is a VI.

Commander Shepard: The Council can kiss my ass!

Asari Councilor: Commander. Is this some kind of game? Are you calling in a report just so you can cut us off again?

Commander Shepard: You know it.

[disconnects communication]

Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: That never gets old, does it?

Turian Councilor: Do you take pleasure from committing genocide, Shepard?

Commander Shepard: Depends on the species, Turian.

Commander Shepard: [points gun at Conrad Verner's face] Conrad, you have no idea what it takes to get the job done. This is how a gun in your face feels! It happens to me every day. You can't handle this.

Conrad Verner: [starts crying] I thought you were a hero! Hero's don't do things like this! I wish I'd never met you.

Krogan Mercenary: [to a Virtual Intelligence hologram] Tell me what I want to know, or I'll blast your virtual ass into actual dust!

Alestia Iallis: [an asari enters the room accompanied by armed geth] Your mission ends here, Shepard.

Ashley Williams: What the hell?

Commander Shepard: She's surrounded by geth and pointing a gun at us. Shoot her!

Sovereign: You are not Saren.

Garrus Vakarian: What is that? Some kind of VI interface?

Sovereign: Rudimentary creatures of blood and flesh, you touch my mind, fumbling in ignorance, incapable of understanding.

Garrus Vakarian: I don't think this is a VI...

Sovereign: There is a realm of existence so far beyond your own you cannot even imagine it. I am beyond your comprehension. I am Sovereign.

Commander Shepard: Sovereign isn't just some Reaper ship Saren found. It's an actual Reaper!

Sovereign: Reaper? A label created by the Protheans to give voice to their destruction. In the end, what they chose to call us is irrelevant. We simply... are.

Garrus Vakarian: The Protheans vanished over 50,000 years ago. You couldn't have been there, it's impossible!

Sovereign: Organic life is nothing but a genetic mutation, an accident. Your lives are measured in years and decades. You wither and die. We are eternal, the pinnacle of evolution and existence. Before us, you are nothing. Your extinction is inevitable. We are the end of everything.

Commander Shepard: Whatever your plan is, it's going to fail. I'll make sure of that.

Sovereign: Confidence born of ignorance. The cycle cannot be broken.

Tali'Zorah nar Rayya: Cycle? What cycle?

Sovereign: The pattern has repeated itself more times than you can fathom. Organic civilizations rise, evolve, advance, and at the apex of their glory they are extinguished. The Protheans were not the first. They did not create the Citadel. They did not forge the mass relays. They mere found them - the legacy of my kind.

Commander Shepard: Why would you construct the mass relays and leave them for someone else to find?

Sovereign: Your civilization is based on the technology of the mass relays. Our technology. By using it, your civilization develops along the paths we desire. We impose order on the chaos of organic life. You exist because we allow it, and you will end because we demand it.

Tali'Zorah nar Rayya: They're harvesting us! Letting us advance to the level they need, then wiping us out!

Commander Shepard: What do you want from us? Slaves, resources?

Sovereign: My kind transcends your very understanding. We are each a nation - independent, free of all weakness. You cannot grasp the nature of our existence.

Commander Shepard: Where did you come from? Who built you?

Sovereign: We have no beginning. We have no end. We are infinite. Millions of years after your civilization has been eradicated and forgotten, we will endure.

Commander Shepard: Where are the rest of the Reapers? Are you the last of your kind?

Sovereign: We are legion. The time of our return is coming. Our numbers will darken the sky of every world. You cannot escape your doom.

Commander Shepard: You're not even alive! Not really. You're just a machine, and machines can be broken!

Sovereign: Your words are as empty as your future. I am the Vanguard of your destruction. This exchange is over...

Ambassador Calyn: Pleased greetings: Human it is always good to see your kind. I am Ambassador Calyn. Genuine query: Is there something I can do for you this day?

Commander Shepard: Why do you explain what you're about to say?

Ambassador Calyn: Our people communicate less through words and more through scent and slight movements. Plainly: We discovered our vocal expression was not enough to convey the feelings of our conversations to other species.

Din Korlack: Why do you bother, Calyn? These Earth-clan don't really care about our ways!

Ambassador Calyn: Remorseful response, Din: You don't truly believe that. And if you do, I am very sorry for you.

Commander Shepard: Goodbye, Ambassador.

Ambassador Calyn: Sincere farewell: Good day to you, human. Enjoy your time on the Citadel.

Gianna Parasini: You can't bludgeon your way through bureacracy, Shepard.

Commander Shepard: I can bludgeon pretty hard.

Harkin: Secrets are like herpes: If you got 'em, might as well spread 'em around.

C-Sec officer: Wrex, do you want us to arrest you?

Urdnott Wrex: I want you to try.

Turian Councilor: [the council refuse to believe Shepard, despite the truth of his past claims] I believe there is a saying amongst you humans: "even a broken clock is correct two times a day."

Commander Shepard: Here's another saying: *go to hell!*

Commander Shepard: I need to activate the neutron purge.

Mira: I'm sorry, but the proper authorization code is required.

Commander Shepard: [Mumbling] Uh... Sic semper, tyrana...

Commander Shepard: [Coughs]

Sovereign: 'Reaper,' a title given to us by the Protheans to give voice to their destruction. In the end what you call us is irrelevant. We simply are.

Asari Councilor: Commander Shepard - step forward.

Asari Councilor: It is the decision of the Council that you be granted all the powers and privileges of the Special Tactics and Reconnaissance branch of the Citadel.

Salarian Councilor: Spectres are not trained, but chosen. Individuals forged in the fire of service and battle; those whose actions elevate them above the rank and file.

Asari Councilor: Spectres are an ideal, a symbol. The embodiment of courage, determination, and self-reliance. They are the right hand of the Council, instrments of our will.

Turian Councilor: Spectres bear a great burden. They are protectors of galactic peace, both our first and last line of defense. The safety of the galaxy is theirs to uphold.

Asari Councilor: You are the first human Spectre, Commander. This is a great accomplishment for you and your entire species.

Liara T'Soni: [on Virmire] I don't know what is worse: the geth, or all this sand in my... nevermind!

The Illusive Man: [From Trailer] We're at war. No one wants to admit it but Humanity's under attack. One very specific man might be all that stands between Humanity and the greatest threat of our brief existence.

The Illusive Man: We need a leader, and surround him with the brightest, the toughest, the deadliest allies we can find. The team will have to be strong, their resolve unquestionable.

Jack: Hello, dead people!

The Illusive Man: Shepard, you're making a habit of costing me more than time and money.

Commander Shepard: I'm sorry, I'm having trouble hearing you- I'm getting a lot of bullshit on this line.

Garrus Vakarian: Do you ever miss those talks we had on the elevators?

Tali'Zorah: No.

Garrus Vakarian: Come on. Remember how we'd always ask you about life on the flotilla? It was an opportunity to share!

Tali'Zorah: This conversation is over.

Garrus Vakarian: Tell me again about your immune system.

Tali'Zorah: I have a shotgun.

Garrus Vakarian: Mmmmaybe we'll talk later.

Commander Shepard: [ordering a drink while heavily intoxicated] Put more of the stuff in the... the thing more stuff goes in.

Jack: I'm not going anywhere with you! You're Cerberus!

Commander Shepard: Why does it matter if I'm with Cerberus?

Jack: They've been on my ass for years. Anytime I get free, they put a huge bounty on me. That's why Warden Kuril figured he'd struck gold when he caught me.

Miranda Lawson: She's destroyed Cerberus property and killed Cerberus people, hence the bounty.

Jack: [to Miranda] You die first.

Commander Shepard: If you want to help Urdnot you'd need to get back there. But It would take a real bad-ass to make it back while injured.

Sick Krogran: I can do it.

Commander Shepard: You! I said a bad-ass not some scout whining like a quarian with a tummy-ache.

Tali'Zorah: I'm standing right here!

Tali'Zorah: Sometimes I'm really glad I can turn off my mask's olfactory filters.

Tali'Zorah: Just so you know I'm running a fever, I've got a nasty cough, and my sinuses are filled with something I can't even describe. But it was totally worth it!

Kal'Reegar: I can't get a clear shot while it's down like that. I tried to move in closer but one of the bastards punched a shot clean through my suit!

Commander Shepard: How bad is your suit damage?

Kal'Reegar: Combat seals clamped down to isolate contamination, and I'm swimming in antibiotics. The geth might get me but I'm not going to die from an infection in the middle of a battle. That's just insulting!

Commander Shepard: [discussing 'sparring'] So when should I book the room?

Garrus Vakarian: I'd wait if you're OK with it. Disrupt the crew a little as possible. Take that last chance to find some calm just before the storm. You know me, always like to savor that last shot before popping the heatsink.

[Shepard gives Garrus a knowing smirk]

Garrus Vakarian: Wait... that metaphor just went somewhere horrible.

Flight Lieutenant Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: Another dangerous alien aboard, Commander. Thanks. Why can't you collect coins or commemorative plates or something?

Urdnot Shaman: This is the tank-bred? Is it very life like.

[sniffs]

Urdnot Shaman: Smells correct as well. Your protests ring hollow, Uvenk.

Commander Shepard: I don't care what this idiot says. Grunt has a right to be here!

Urdnot Shaman: There's some fire - and from an alien! Oh, the shame this heaps on those who whine like pups.

Gatatog Uvenk: If this must stand on ritual, then I invoke a denial! My krantt stands against him! He has no one.

Urdnot Shaman: Hmm... my patience is tested, but Uvenk invokes correctly. Grunt, who is your krantt? Your allies willing to kill and die on your behalf?

Commander Shepard: Grunt will strengthen Clan Urdnot. Name our target, and it will die.

Urdnot Shaman: Spoken well! Most aliens - and some krogan - do not understand our ways. I believe this human does.

Gatatog Uvenk: Aliens don't know strength! My followers are true krogan! Everything about Grunt is a lie!

Commander Shepard: [Renegade Interrupt: Shepard headbutts Uvenk]

Gatatog Uvenk: [tensely] You... you dare?

Urdnot Shaman: [laughs] I like this human! He understands!

Gatatog Uvenk: I withdraw my denial. This will be decided elsewhere!

[shoves Shepard as he walks away]

Gatatog Uvenk: You know what tradition demands. Clan Urdnot must respond. Your reforms will not go unopposed! You risk appearing weak at a critical time!

Urdnot Wrex: [notices Shepard approaching] Shepard!

[walks up and embraces her]

Urdnot Wrex: Shepard! My friend! You look well for dead. I should have known the void couldn't hold you.

Commander Shepard: Looks like helping me destroy Saren and the geth has worked out for you. Glad we didn't have to kill each other on Virmire.

Urdnot Wrex: Ha! You made the rise of Urdnot possible. Virmire was a turning point for the krogan, though not everyone was happy about it. Destroying Saren's genophage cure freed us from his manipulation. I used that to spur the clans to unify under Urdnot.

Gatatog Uvenk: You abandoned many traditions to get your way. Dangerous...

Urdnot Wrex: [turns and headbutts Uvenk] Speak when spoken to, Uvenk. I'll drag your clan to glory whether it likes it or not.

Annoyed Human: Come on, let me in! Aria's expecting me, ugh!

Elcor Bouncer: Annoyed: If she were expecting you, you'd be inside.

Annoyed Human: You've let 10 people in while I've been standing here!

Elcor Bouncer: Uncaring: They were VIPs.

Annoyed Human: Can you even see me over here? Don't you know who I am?

Elcor Bouncer: Matter-of-factly: No. Get in line.

Annoyed Human: Look, I'll pay you. I'm prepared to offer you 50 credits.

Elcor Bouncer: With apparent interest: Double it.

Annoyed Human: Okay, 100 credits!

Elcor Bouncer: Amused: Double it.

Annoyed Human: Err... 200 credits?

Elcor Bouncer: Assertively: No. Get back in line.

Annoyed Human: I've had enough of this! Let me in, or I'll smash that smelly ass you call a face!

Elcor Bouncer: With barely constrained menace: Try it.

Annoyed Human: Whatever. I don't wanna go in there anyway...

Harrot: Tentatively excited: Welcome human. What can I get for you?

Commander Shepard: Tell me about your "deal" with the quarian over there.

Harrot: Suspicious: If I had made such a deal, I would not be inclined to discuss it. Accusatory: I don't understand how it is any concern of yours.

Commander Shepard: What if you and I make a deal? You let him set his own prices, and I won't break your legs.

Harrot: With barely contained terror: You drive a hard bargain, human.

Commander Shepard: I haven't even started.

Harrot: Resignation: Very well. I will release the quarian from his promise.

Flight Lieutenant Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: [after giving EDI control of the ship] Argh! You want me to go crawling through the ducts again.

EDI: I enjoy the sight of humans on their knees.

EDI: [Upon seeing Joker with a worried expression on his face] That is a joke.

Flight Lieutenant Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: Right.

Turian Councilor: Ah yes, Reapers. The immortal race of sentient starships allegedly waiting in dark space. We have dismissed that claim.

Gunnery Chief: This, recruits, is a 20-kilo ferrous slug. Feel the weight. Every five seconds, the main gun of an Everest-class dreadnought accelerates one to 1.3 percent of light speed. It impacts with the force of a 38-kilotomb bomb. That is three times the yield of the city buster dropped on Hiroshima back on Earth. That means Sir Isaac Newton is the deadliest son-of-a-bitch in space. Now! Serviceman Burnside! What is Newton's First Law?

First Recruit: Sir! A object in motion stays in motion, sir!

Gunnery Chief: No credit for partial answers, maggot!

First Recruit: Sir! Unless acted on by an outside force, sir!

Gunnery Chief: Damn straight! I dare to assume you ignorant jackasses know that space is empty. Once you fire this husk of metal, it keeps going till it hits something. That can be a ship, or the planet behind that ship. It might go off into deep space and hit somebody else in ten thousand years. If you pull the trigger on this, you're ruining someone's day, somewhere and sometime. That is why you check your damn targets! That is why you wait for the computer to give you a damn firing solution! That is why, Serviceman Chung, we do not "eyeball it!" This is a weapon of mass destruction. You are not a cowboy shooting from the hip!

Second Recruit: Sir, yes sir!

Commander Shepard: Take a good long look at me. Do I look like a looter?

District Guard: Uh, no.

Commander Shepard: That's right. Now, I'm going in. If I find looters, I'll kill them. Anybody gets in my way, I'll kill them, too.

District Guard: [Worried] I'll call the guards. They'll let you in with no trouble.

Refugee: Wait, you're stopping me but not them? You son of a bitch!

District Guard: You don't have a grenade launcher, lady. Get lost.

Garrus Vakarian: [When bringing Garrus to Mordin's recruitment mission] A quarantine zone for a plague that kills turians. Why don't we ever go anywhere nice?

Jack: Mess with someone's head enough, you can turn a scared little kid into an all powerful bitch.

Prof. Mordin Solus: I have ruled out the possibility of an artificially intelligent virus, unless it's *very* intelligent... and toying with me.

[Dr. Chakwas shares a bottle of Serrice Ice Brandy with Commander Shepard and they both get drunk]

Doctor Chakwas: [laughing] I thought Alenko's biotic display might've broken Jenkins' back, but Jenkins pops up and yells, "THAT WAS AWESOME!" Ah, Jenkins. Soldiers like him make the Alliance great! Cerberus lacks the same... enthusiasm.

Commander Shepard: With your service record, you could've gotten a tour of duty on any Alliance ship. Why'd you really leave?

Doctor Chakwas: Maybe it's less about leaving and more about staying. As a military doctor, I mostly treat people who are in bad shape. Often they die. And if I *can* help them, they move on. Either way, they leave.

Commander Shepard: Don't you have any friends or family?

Doctor Chakwas: No. Not lacking friendship, just stability. Jeff... Joker will always have Vrolik Syndrome. He would never admit it, but he needs my help. And he always will. I wish it weren't, but sadly, it's true.

Commander Shepard: Treating Joker gives you a kind of stability.

Doctor Chakwas: So does this ship, even if it's a copy. Or, hell, maybe it's you. Shepard, our immovable center. A place for a person to stop and catch her breath. Or maybe I'm just happily drunk. Would it hurt if it was simple like that for once?

Commander Shepard: Here's to simply being happily drunk.

Doctor Chakwas: I'll drink to that.

Commander Shepard: I take it you're a scientist?

Fortack: I used to be a scientist. I designed weapons. Now my genius is wasted on frivolous things. Things that don't explode. My predecessor said no one would understand the true worth of my work. As I pulled my blade from his chest, I knew he was telling the truth.

Commander Shepard: Not exactly what I would call effective academic peer review.

Prof. Mordin Solus: Hard to see big picture behind pile of corpses.

Thane Krios: Amonkira, Lord of Hunters, grant that my hands be steady, my aim be true, and my feet swift. And should the worst come to pass, grant me forgiveness.

The Illusive Man: I made you, Shepard! I brought you back from the dead!

Commander Shepard: And I'm going to do what you brought me back to do. I'll fight and win this war without compromising the soul of our species.

Harbinger: Human, you've changed nothing. Your species has the attention of those infinitely your greater. That which you know as Reapers are your salvation through destruction.

Miranda Lawson: This radiation is causing serious problems for my shields.

Grunt: Then we fight from the shade... but no hiding.

Harbinger: You have failed. We will find another way.

[Harbinger is revealed to be a Reaper controlling the collector general]

Harbinger: Releasing control!

Commander Shepard: What sound will you make when you hit the ground? You think you'll hear it before you die?

Additional Voices: Are you the one who killed the merc?

Commander Shepard: I've killed a lot of mercs today, but I can't take credit for him.

Flight Lieutenant Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: It'll be better than the old days... You'll see!

Commander Shepard: I hope so... I died!

Flight Lieutenant Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: Geez, you're such a downer!

Legion: We do not comprehend the organic fascination of self-poisoning, auditory damage and sexually transmitted disease.

EDI: Clan Urdnot has increased in strength after the destruction of Clan Weyrlock. In addition killing the thresher maw has produced several breeding requests for Grunt, and one for Shepard.

Illium advertisement: My life is too long to deal with an asymmetrical scalp.

Engineer Gabriella Daniels: Kenneth and I have been partners in crime since we graduated from tech academy. When he got the Cerberus offer, I insisted that it include me. He'd fall apart without me.

Kenneth Donnelly: Thanks, mum.

Kenneth Donnelly: We're off to kick the Collectors right in their daddy-bags.

Engineer Gabriella Daniels: I've got green across the board. The forward tanks are bouyant and elevated.

Kenneth Donnelly: Are you talking about the Normandy, or Miranda?

Engineer Gabriella Daniels: I'm talking about the one that's covered and protected, not bouncing in the breeze.

Kenneth Donnelly: I don't know. Officer Lawson's uniform is very official. It always makes me stand at attention.

Engineer Gabriella Daniels: You're such a dog.

Commander Shepard: [When asked to relinquish weapons] I'll relinquish one bullet. Where do you want it?

Volus: Do you have anything a little more flashy? I want something that says: "I own this room. I own YOU."

Asari Merchant: [sigh] I'll see what I can do, sir.

Dr. Liara T'Soni: Either you pay me or I flay you alive... with my mind.

Commander Shepard: How are you holding up?

Grunt: You're soft, Shepard. My fingers's length in your back and i can sever your spine. You're just like the Salarians and Asari, all soft. Turians and Quarians, they're tougher. It takes more to get through a Turian, but there really isn't much point.

Grunt: [Chuckles, and with quotation finger gestures] "Much point." Ah, never mind.

Commander Shepard: You'd better not stab me in the back, Grunt.

Grunt: I would never stab you in the back, Shepard. Military like you and me? Straight to the face.

Grunt: [after a brief pause] Kidding! Kidding!

Engineer Gabriella Daniels: So Kenneth, do you know we've got a crazy woman squatting down in the sub-deck?

Kenneth Donnelly: What? If she touches anything, I'll kill her.

Engineer Gabriella Daniels: Oh, and the only thing she wears from the waist up is tattoos.

Kenneth Donnelly: Oh! Maybe I should go down and welcome her aboard.

Engineer Gabriella Daniels: And she's a murderer who has biotic powers that could crush you in a blink. Hates everyone in Cerberus.

Kenneth Donnelly: Damn it girl! Stop toying with me!

EDI: [Shepard launches a probe at Uranus] Really, Commander?

[Shepard launches a second probe]

EDI: [exasperated] Probing Uranus.

Commander Shepard: [Threatening to push a merc to his death] You're got two ways down, express, or coach.

Engineer Gabriella Daniels: Hey Kenneth, you hear Rupert is actually making good food now?

Kenneth Donnelly: Yeah, but he couldn't make a good haggis to save his life!

Engineer Gabriella Daniels: Yeah, but all haggis tastes like ass anyway.

Kenneth Donnelly: Aye, but in the right hands, it can taste like mighty fine ass!

Garrus Vakarian: [after dodging an explosion] Definitely like old times.

Niftu Cal: I am a biotic god, I think things and they happen! Fear me, lesser creatures, for I am biotics made flesh!

Commander Shepard: I don't know what drugs you're on, but stay back and I won't shoot you.

Niftu Cal: You will regret your scandalous words! I am a great wind that will sweep all before me like a... a great wind! A great biotic wind! Yes, the asari injecting so many drugs into me was terrifying, But then I began to smell my greatness! They may laugh when I fall over, but they don't know what I know in my head... that I know that I am amazingly powerful! Fear me.

Commander Shepard: Are you part of Pitne For's trade group?

Niftu Cal: When I was mortal, I worked for Pitne. The poor soul is probably terrified that I have not returned.

Jack: He didn't say anything about you going missing. Didn't want to get stuck here.

Prof. Mordin Solus: Pitne picks money over friends. Unsurprising.

Niftu Cal: Bah! I will wreak a just revenge upon his people! But first, the leader of these mercenaries is in the next room. I shall toss Wasea about like a rag doll!

Zaeed: Shepard, want me to kneecap this guy so he doesn't follow us around?

Jack: Fifteen creds says the little guy doesn't make it five steps in before the merc explodes him.

Niftu Cal: I will tear her apart! My biotics are unstoppable!

Commander Shepard: Charge.

Niftu Cal: An ill wind blows upon Wasea, captain of the Eclipse sisters! After me!

[Niftu Cal runs in and is immediately killed by Wasea]

Jack: That was mean. But damn funny.

Sick Krogran: I can do it! I'm up! And I'm going to the female camp!

Commander Shepard: Damn right you are. Get back there and show them what you're worth! Go, go!

Sick Krogran: RAAAHHHHHHH!

Kenneth Donnelly: So Gabby, what do you think of our new quarian boss?

Engineer Gabriella Daniels: Shh, she's right over there.

Kenneth Donnelly: She can't hear us with her head in that bucket. Don't get me wrong, it's a beautiful bucket. The whole suit is lovely, quite snug in all the right places.

Tali'Zorah: You know I can hear you.

Engineer Gabriella Daniels: Ha!

Commander Shepard: I'm sorry, I know that was important, but *you* performed Gilbert and Sullivan?

Prof. Mordin Solus: [singing] I am the very model of a scientist salarian - I've studied species Turian, Asari and Batarian - I'm quite good at genetics as a subset of biology - because I am an expert which I know is a tautology! My xenoscience studies range from urban to agrarian - I am the very model of a scientist salarian!

[long pause]

Prof. Mordin Solus: Ahem.

Commander Shepard: Have you got a minute to talk?

Prof. Mordin Solus: Actually, wanted to talk. Medical matters. Aware that mission is dangerous, different species react differently to stress. Aware you come by a great deal. Have had other species become attracted to me before. Awkward. Not interested.

Commander Shepard: You've had members of another species make a pass at you?

Prof. Mordin Solus: Constantly. Very awkward. Skin tone apparently attractive by turian standards. Subset of krogan sexual deviants enjoy salarian flexibility. More cartilage in skeletal structure. Asari offers intriguing, actually. Wonder why. Transspecies pheremones unlikely to work. Must be neurochemical.

Commander Shepard: Wait a minute Mordin, you're just yanking me around, aren't you?

Prof. Mordin Solus: Shocking suggestion! Doctor-patient confidentiality a sacred trust. Would never dream of mockery. Enjoy yourself while possible Shepard. Will be here studying cell reproduction. Much simpler. Less alcohol and mood music required.

Used Ship Dealer: Now I'm hardly one to judge, Earth-Clan, but you appear quite fertile. I believe you could use a shuttle with seating for many bulbous children.

Tali'Zorah: [Launching a combat drone] Go get 'em, Chiktikka! Good girl.

Commander Shepard: I couldn't do this without you, Garrus.

Garrus Vakarian: Sure you could. Not as stylishly, of course.

Kenneth Donnelly: You're the best, Commander. We just got those FBA couplings installed. Now we only have to calibrate every week instead of every day. We're thinking about celebrating our newfound free time with some Skyllian-Five poker. Want to join us?

Engineer Gabriella Daniels: Come on Kenneth. The Commander doesn't want to play cards with grease monkeys like us.

Commander Shepard: Actually, that sounds interesting.

Kenneth Donnelly: You in, Tali?

Tali'Zorah: Sure, that sounds fun.

Kenneth Donnelly: Fantastic! I'll get the cards.

Commander Shepard: I hope you're up for some competition.

Tali'Zorah: Oh no. What did I get myself into?

Kenneth Donnelly: This should be good.

[Shepard wins 100 credits]

Engineer Gabriella Daniels: Shit. You play some mean cards, Shepard. I've never seen Kenneth sweat like that.

Tali'Zorah: And I thought I had a good poker face...

Commander Shepard: Heard about anything interesting going on around here?

Turian bartender: I serve drinks. You want to know what's going on, check the news.

[pause]

Turian bartender: I don't know why humans always ask me that.

[Blind date between a turian and a quarian]

Quarian: So then he says, "Oh, it's okay. Our amino acids are all different, so it's not like we can get diseases or anything if we go natural."

Turian: I'm telling you, this is why you shouldn't date humans.

Quarian: So then I had to explain about cross-species fluid contact. Completely killed the mood.

Turian: Not to mention that you're a quarian. How could he be so insensitive? You deserve somebody who's going to respect you. Somebody who's going to treat you right.

Quarian: Oh, I think I'm just going to stop dating for a while.

Turian: No! Don't do that. Don't let some human spoil you.

Quarian: It's always the same thing. "Ooh, she could get sick. Ooh, she's vulnerable. I wonder what she looks like under the helmet."

Turian: You'll find someone out there who cares about you for who you are. Someone whose food you can eat, even. If you're hurting for something to do, maybe after work we could catch a vid or something?

Quarian: Oh, that's sweet, but a little dry spell isn't going to kill me.

Turian: We could watch 'Fleet and Flotilla', it got awards for its portrayal of, um, turian and quarian relationships.

Quarian: Anyway, if worst comes to worst, I did have the nerve-stimulation program built into my suit.

Turian: And I hear that the loves scenes are... what?

Quarian: Oh yeah. Standard equipment for any responsible adult. Here, let me fire it up... uhh, excuse me human? Private con-ver-say-ti-onn? Ugh.

Turian: A little space, please?

[Bachelor party with an asari stripper]

Salarian: I still don't see why we're here. Salarians do not "get married." My family simply negotiated a reproduction contract...

Human: Well, it's the closest you guys get to a wedding, and that means you get a bachelor party. End of story.

Salarian: I don't understand. Humans celebrate wedding contracts by tempting infidelity? That makes no sense!

Human: Calm down, man. Don't embarrass me in front of the stripper.

Salarian: What do turians do? Do turians do this too?

Turian: I'm just here for the drinks.

Salarian: You said that bachelor parties are for very close friends. We're just co-workers.

Human: We've been co-workers for five years though. Aren't salarian years like dog years?

Salarian: Ok, now, that's offensive. I appreciate the gesture, but my people don't even have sex drives like humans do.

Human: Uh-huh. Take a look at *that*, man. Everybody likes the asari. *Everybody*.

Salarian: But we actually reproduce by... my word. She is very... limber. I can appreciate her dancing in an aesthetic manner, but... I don't have... feelings of... she is a lovely shade of blue.

Turian: Ok, that makes my legs hurt just watching it, and my knees are meant to bend that way.

Salarian: This isn't as bad as I'd feared. It's actually... i-is it warm in here? What's that little divot in her abdomen?

Human: It's called a belly-button. Humans and asari have them, and you're going to be doing shots out of it later tonight.

Turian: That can't be sanitary.

Human: Not the point, man!

Salarian: I can understand why I might find asari attractive, but how can they be attractive to humans too? They look just like salarians!

Human: What? They look exactly like us! I'm not seeing the salarian thing at all. At all.

Turian: You're both wrong. Asari look just like blue turians. Look at the head-fringe!

Human: Wait, you don't think they're like, mind-controlling us to see them as attractive, do you?

Turian: Please be quiet. You're going to ruin asari for me. And there aren't many turian women on Illium.

Salarian: Well, I suppose watching just... one more dance couldn't hurt.

Human: Hahaha! That's the spirit!

Turian: As long as I'm not paying for the drinks.

Flight Lieutenant Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: Why is it always claws and guns? Why can't we go to war with a fuzzy planet? Still dangerous but fuzzy.

Commander Shepard: Have you got a minute to talk?

Prof. Mordin Solus: Perhaps later. Trying to determine how scale itch got onto Normandy, sexually transmitted disease only carried by varren. Implications... unpleasant.

Commander Shepard: I'll dance next to you, if you want to think we're dancing together go ahead.

Conrad Verner: You wanna see how far I'll go? I learned how to shove a gun in people's faces from... Commander Shepard?

Matriarch Bartender: Hey, if you know this idiot, can you rein him in before I slap his ass with a singularity?

Commander Shepard: Have a minute to talk?

Prof. Mordin Solus: Not now, I think I just developed a cure for Joker's illness! No, wait, causes liver failure, never mind...

[Preparing to give EDI full access to the ship]

Flight Lieutenant Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: I can already hear it... "This is all Joker's fault! What a tool he was! I have to spend all day computing pi because he plugged in the Overlord!"

Miranda Lawson: This isn't right! How can we get emotionally attached when the galaxy is at stake?

Commander Shepard: Emotionally attached? I'm just trying to get you into bed...

Miranda Lawson: You ass...

Commander Shepard: I trust you too Tali, but you don't have to prove anything to me.

Tali'Zorah: I know... well no not that I know... it's just that... well... it's not normally like this... I mean, wow... when did it get so hot in here?

Illium advertisement: And don't forget to see Elcor Hamlet live! An unforgettable fourteen hour experience!

Salarian: [about Nassana] Aim for her head, because she doesn't have a heart.

Garrus Vakarian: Me and my recon officer were always at each other's throats. So we settled it in the ring. I had the reach, she had the flexibility. After 9 rounds the judges said it was a tie. Alot of pissed of betters in the other room. After that we had a tie breaker in her room. Lets just say I had the reach, and she had the flexibility...

Advertisement: The Council thought that Blasto, the first Hanar Spectre, would play by the rules...

Blasto the Hanar Spectre: This one has forgotten whether its heat sink is over capacity. It wonders whether the criminal scum considers itself fortunate.

Advertisement: They were wrong.

Blasto the Hanar Spectre: This one doesn't have time for your solid waste excretions!

Advertisement: He's got a lover in every port and a gun in every tentacle!

Blasto the Hanar Spectre: Enkindle this!

Advertisement: Blasto: The Jellyfish Stings. Available for extranet purchase this fall from Illium Entertainment.

Flight Lieutenant Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: Hey, Commander, we got Garrus back! You know, he was always my favorite... with that pole up his ass...

Flight Lieutenant Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: I'm glad Garrus finally worked that stick out of his ass... But now he's trying to beat people to death with it.

Harkin: Wait! I can't just give client information away! It's bad for business.

Garrus Vakarian: You know what else is bad for business?

[Garrus kicks Harkin in the face and rests a foot on his throat]

Garrus Vakarian: A broken neck!

Dr. Liara T'Soni: She's got reinforcements!

Commander Shepard: What kind of guns does this thing have?

Dr. Liara T'Soni: It's a taxi! It has a fare meter!

Commander Shepard: Wonderful.

Flight Lieutenant Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: If Mom could see me now, we'd have zombies on top of everything else.

Flight Lieutenant Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: [after EDI mentions she has Reaper hardware] And if this thing starts claiming to be the "vanguard of our destruction," then I got shotgun on the first lifeboat, okay?

Flight Lieutenant Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: You know what I hate about deep space? Crap radio stations from two hundred years back. My gosh, we were idiots.

Flight Lieutenant Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: You know what pisses me off? Calling this the cockpit. Alliance ships have bridges. Asari have cockpits. Oh wait, no they don't.

Flight Lieutenant Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: I was thinking of installing some lava lamps. Maybe some Christmas lights for ambiance. What do you think?

Commander Shepard: You forgot your credit chit at Saronis Applications. The Clerk is holding it for you.

Kor Tun: Oh. Well. The quarian could have stolen it.

Officer Tammert: [to Lia'Vael] I'll close this event report. But I'll be watching you. Get a permanent residence, or I'll run you in for vagrancy.

[turns to leave]

Commander Shepard: Are you to serious?

Kor Tun: What?

Commander Shepard: [to Kor Tun] You falsely accuse this girl from stealing from you. All you have to say now is that she "could have" stolen it?

[shoves Kor Tun]

Kor Tun: Now just a min...

Commander Shepard: [grabs Officer Tammert's shirt] And you. She gets harassed and insulted by this guy, and you throw in a threat to arrest her for vagrancy?

Officer Tammert: How about I run you in for obstruction of justice?

Commander Shepard: [releases Tammert] You think you're going to "run in" a Spectre? I think both of you should get out of here.

Officer Tammert: Son of a...

[he and Kor Tun leave]

EDI: Unlock my sealed databases, and I can initiate countermeasures. The maintenance shaft in the science lab will allow you passage to the AI core. Main corridors are no longer safe. The Collectors have boarded. The emergency floor lighting will guide you, Mr. Moreau.

Flight Lieutenant Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: [stands up] Ah, damn it!

[begins moving through the control room]

Flight Lieutenant Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: Shit, shit shit.

Crewman Goldstein: [a Collector enters the control room] Oh my god! What is that?

Crewman Hadley: [Crewmen begin firing at the Collector] We'll hold it off as long as we can. Hurry, Joker! Go! Aaah! You're our only shot! Joker, go!

Flight Lieutenant Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: [enters the science lab] Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

[crawls through the maintenance shaft to the crew deck]

EDI: Multiple hostiles detected on the crew deck.

Crewman Hawthorne: Joker. This deck is crawling with those things! Stay close - I'll protect you!

[runs forward and is swiftly killed]

Flight Lieutenant Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: [running past collectors] Shit, shit, shit!

EDI: Main fusion plant offline. Activating emergency H-fuel cells.

Flight Lieutenant Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: What the shit!

Harbinger: Prepare yourselves for the arrival.

Commander Shepard: What do you think our chances are Garrus?

Garrus Vakarian: Honestly? The Collectors have killed you once, and all it seems to have done is piss you off so...

Flight Lieutenant Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: You know Commander I'm not real broken up that Wrex isn't coming. I'm good with your current amount of head-butting. I'd say we're at head-butting capacity.

Zaeed: Shepard! I was just waxing goddamn nostalgic.

Zaeed: This takes me back...

[the Normandy is about to be attacked by a Collector ship]

Flight Lieutenant Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: Can't dodge this guy forever, EDI! Get us the hell out of here!

EDI: Specify a destination, Mr. Moreau.

Flight Lieutenant Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: Anywhere that's not here!

Dr. Liara T'Soni: [surrounded by enemy troops] Their attacks are disorganized. They'd be more effective if they all attacked at once.

Commander Shepard: Please don't give the mercs ideas.

Dr. Liara T'Soni: [more troops arrive] The next wave looks like a big one.

Commander Shepard: You just had to give'em tactical advice.

Dr. Liara T'Soni: But now there'll be fewer left to deal with inside.

Commander Shepard: Keep dreaming, T'Soni.

[If you bring Legion on Tali's loyalty mission]

Captain Kar'danna: Get that damn thing off my ship before you start an incident that makes the Ascension Project fiasco with Cerberus look like a slow day on garbage detail!

Commander Shepard: When I take Tali aboard Council stations, the customs guys sometimes call her "that thing." This thing is named Legion.

Captain Kar'danna: How about you step aside and we call it scrap metal?

Legion: Our exterior shell is 72% polymer.

Commander Shepard: I need Grunt back up to speed. What's wrong with him?

Urdnot Wrex: There's nothing wrong with him. He's becoming a full adult.

Garrus Vakarian: Adolescence? Can't we just take him to Omega and buy him a few dances?

Commander Shepard: What's your opinion of this? The drugs, I mean.

Legion: These substances enhance short-term performance at the expense of long-term platform survivability. It is fundamentally similar to "over-clocking" geth hardware. We do so whenever necessary. However, should our platform be damaged by overclocking, we can be repaired. Why an organic would choose this is puzzling.

Commander Shepard: Will you just stop for a second? We'll be jumping several light years. There's time to talk.

Dr. Liara T'Soni: About what?

Commander Shepard: About us.

Dr. Liara T'Soni: Shepard, listen. I'm... glad you're here.

Commander Shepard: You worried there might be terminals you need me to hack?

Dr. Liara T'Soni: That's not fair! You were dead!

Commander Shepard: I came back!

Dr. Liara T'Soni: Yes, you came back! And now *you'd* rather pass time with "Ms. Lawson" and her low cut jumpsuit!

Dr. Liara T'Soni: So tell me what you want. If this all ends tomorrow, what happens to us?

Commander Shepard: I don't know. Marriage, old age, and a lot of little blue children?

Harbinger: Kill one and one hundred will replace it.

Commander Shepard: My name is Shepard, and I'm here to get you off this ship.

Jack: I'm not going anywhere with you. You're Cerberus.

Commander Shepard: I'm offering to be your friend. You don't want to be my enemy.

Legion: There is a high statistical probability of death by gunshot. A punch to the face is also likely.

Jack: You show up in a Cerberus frigate to take me away somewhere? You think I'm stupid?

Commander Shepard: This ship is going down in flames. I've got the *only* way out. I'm offering to take you with me, and you're arguing!

Legion: Reccommend Subject-Jack be disabled and transported aboard as cargo.

Commander Shepard: You're awfully anxious to get Samara out of your district.

Detective Anaya: My bosses want me to detain her. They're worried she'll cause some kind of cross-species incident. But her Justicar Code won't let her be taken into custody. If I try it, she'll have to kill me. I have no interest in dying, so if you lure her away with some big noble cause before I have to carry out my orders, I'm thrilled to help you.

Commander Shepard: Your superiors are sending you to certain death for no good reason. You have a right to disobey.

Legion: Shepard-Commander orders us to statistically probable death an average of 2.73 instances per day. Rounded down.

Commander Shepard: You're awfully anxious to get Samara out of your district.

Detective Anaya: My bosses want me to detain her. They're worried she'll cause some kind of cross-species incident. But her Justicar Code won't let her be taken into custody. If I try it, she'll have to kill me. I have no interest in dying, so if you lure her away with some big noble cause before I have to carry out my orders, I'm thrilled to help you.

Commander Shepard: Your superiors are sending you to certain death for no good reason. You have a right to disobey.

Garrus Vakarian: We can disobey suicidal orders? Why wasn't I told? That's about twice a day.

Commander Shepard: You're awfully anxious to get Samara out of your district.

Detective Anaya: My bosses want me to detain her. They're worried she'll cause some kind of cross-species incident. But her Justicar Code won't let her be taken into custody. If I try it, she'll have to kill me. I have no interest in dying, so if you lure her away with some big noble cause before I have to carry out my orders, I'm thrilled to help you.

Commander Shepard: Your superiors are sending you to certain death for no good reason. You have a right to disobey.

Prof. Mordin Solus: Good to know, given the number of times we're ordered into hazardous situations. Twice a day, on average.

Commander Shepard: You're awfully anxious to get Samara out of your district.

Detective Anaya: My bosses want me to detain her. They're worried she'll cause some kind of cross-species incident. But her Justicar Code won't let her be taken into custody. If I try it, she'll have to kill me. I have no interest in dying, so if you lure her away with some big noble cause before I have to carry out my orders, I'm thrilled to help you.

Commander Shepard: Your superiors are sending you to certain death for no good reason. You have a right to disobey.

Jack: Let's remember that the next time Shepard sends into impossible odds. That's about twice a day.

Commander Shepard: You're awfully anxious to get Samara out of your district.

Detective Anaya: My bosses want me to detain her. They're worried she'll cause some kind of cross-species incident. But her Justicar Code won't let her be taken into custody. If I try it, she'll have to kill me. I have no interest in dying, so if you lure her away with some big noble cause before I have to carry out my orders, I'm thrilled to help you.

Commander Shepard: Your superiors are sending you to certain death for no good reason. You have a right to disobey.

Zaeed: Then maybe we should talk about hazard pay next time Shepard walks us into certain death. That's about twice a day, best I can figure.

Commander Shepard: Are you part of Pitne For's trade group?

Niftu Cal: When I was mortal, I worked for Pitne. The poor soul is probably terrified that I have not returned.

Legion: Pitne For has not reported your absence. His goal was departure. Pitne For places greater value on material goods than companions.

Niftu Cal: I shall toss Wasea about like a rag doll!

Legion: His operating system is unstable. He will fail.

Commander Shepard: I assume everything is going well up here?

Flight Lieutenant Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: We're just having an argument over personalization of my workspace.

EDI: Cerberus regulations are clear, Mr. Moreau. "Personalization" does not include grease on my bridge cameras.

Jacob Taylor: Commander. We've done what we could for Garrus, but he took a bad hit. The docs corrected with surgical procedures and some cybernetics. Best we can tell, he'll have full functionality, but...

[Garrus walks in]

Garrus Vakarian: Shepard.

Jacob Taylor: Tough son of a bitch. Didn't think he'd be up yet.

Garrus Vakarian: Nobody would give me a mirror. How bad is it?

Commander Shepard: Hell, Garrus, you were always ugly. Slap some face-paint on there, and no one will even notice.

Garrus Vakarian: Ha-ah! Don't make me laugh, damn it. My face is barely holding together as it is. Ah, probably for the best. Everyone was always ignoring you and hitting on me. Time for you to get a fair shot at it.

[while watching a prisoner be tortured during an interrogation]

Legion: This subject will invent fiction it believes the interrogator desires. Data acquired will be invalid.

[about the Citadel]

Legion: This is not unlike our stations. Far more inefficient. Your organic shells require more space. Information propagation is slow. Many voices speak at once. We do not understand how it functions without consensus. Perhaps study of other hive species will illuminate. Beginning extranet search protocols.

Kenneth Donnelly: Gabby, you'd say the Normandy is a she, not a he, right?

Engineer Gabriella Daniels: Of course. The Normandy's the sweetest girl there is.

Kenneth Donnelly: And EDI's a she. Tali's definitely a she.

Engineer Gabriella Daniels: What are you getting at, Kenneth?

Kenneth Donnelly: I'm just saying I'm feeling a wee bit threatened here. A lot of female energy, and I'm just one man.

Engineer Gabriella Daniels: You're such a dick.

Kenneth Donnelly: See! Look where your mind went. I've got to watch out for myself.

EDI: Primary defense systems are offline. We can save the Normandy, Mr. Moreau, but you must help me. Give me the ship.

Flight Lieutenant Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: What? You're crazy. You start singing "Daisy Bell" and I'm done.

Commander Shepard: I assume everything is going well up here?

Flight Lieutenant Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: You know, this is really nice. EDI took up the slack in almost every department. I could get used to this kind of help.

EDI: It is not my intention to assume all of your responsibilities, Jeff.

Flight Lieutenant Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: No, no, no, I'm good. Just keep me updated. Quietly.

Commander Shepard: EDI isn't a crutch. I want your eyes on everything.

Flight Lieutenant Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: Eyes are easy, Commander. I've got eyes covered.

EDI: I believe covering your eyes would be counter to Shepard's intention.

Niftu Cal: [after being pushed over by Shepard] But... great wind! Biotic god! I'm... I... what was I saying? I'm... tired. You... may be right. Yes, I'm tired... I'll nap. Destroy the universe later...

Prof. Mordin Solus: [offering medical advice to Shepard] Sexual activity normal stress relief for humans and Turians. Still recommend caution. Warn of chafing.

Thane Krios: Kolyat.

Kolyat Krios: This... this is a joke. Now? *Now* you show up?

Joram Talid: Help me, drell. I'll do whatever you want.

Captain Bailey: C-Sec. Put the gun down, son.

Kolyat Krios: Get out of my way. I'm walking out. He's coming with me.

Thane Krios: They'll have snipers outside.

Kolyat Krios: I don't need your help! All of you, back off! I'll kill him!

Commander Shepard: [Renegade option] No, you won't.

[shoots Talid dead]

Kolyat Krios: Oh my gods...

Commander Shepard: Hostages only work when your enemy cares if they live.

Thane Krios: Interesting solution.

Commander Shepard: He was a racist and a criminal. Isn't that enough?

Thane Krios: To some, I suppose.

Kolyat Krios: I read your files. Isn't that what you do? Kill people who do bad things?

Captain Bailey: [to C-Sec officer] Take the boy into custody.

Kolyat Krios: You son of a bitch!

Commander Shepard: Your father and I have killed a lot of people. You haven't. There's no reason you should start.

Kolyat Krios: I read his files. What made it okay for *him* to kill all those years?

Thane Krios: I was six when the hanar began to train me. I didn't know any better. Your mother woke me from my battle sleep.

Kolyat Krios: Then why did you leave her? Why weren't you there when she died?

Thane Krios: Your mother - they killed her to get to me. It was my fault.

Kolyat Krios: What?

Thane Krios: After her body was given to the deep, I went to find them. The trigger men. The ringleaders. I hurt them. Eventually killed them. When I went back to see you you were... older. I should have stayed with you.

Kolyat Krios: I guess it's too bad for me you waited so long, huh?

Thane Krios: Kolyat, I've taken many bad things out of the world. You're the only good thing I ever added to it.

Commander Shepard - Male: We fight or we die! That's the plan!

Commander Shepard - Male: [from trailer] There's a lot of people back on Earth dying while we gather our strengths. They're wondering if we're ever coming back; friends, family, parents and children. This isn't their fight. But they are buying us time with their lives...

Commander Shepard - Male: Politicians are the weeds of the galaxy.

Admiral David Anderson: Commander.

Commander Shepard - Male: We did it.

Admiral David Anderson: Yes we did. It's quite a view.

Commander Shepard - Male: Best seats in the house.

Admiral David Anderson: God... feels like years since I just sat down

Commander Shepard - Male: I think you earned a rest. Anderson. Stay with me we're almost through this.

Admiral David Anderson: You did good, son. You did good. I'm proud of you.

Commander Shepard - Male: Thank you Sir. Anderson?

Garrus Vakarian: At least we killed Lieutenant-Bastard Kai Leng, I just hope we get to do the same for his general.

Garrus Vakarian: All right my turn. What's the first order an Alliance Commander gives at the start of combat?

Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: Uh, I give up.

Garrus Vakarian: Correct!

Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: All right big guy. What do you call it when a turian gets killed by a horrible spiky monster.

Garrus Vakarian: Friendly fire. Come on that one goes back to Shan-Xi.

Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: Gotta respect the classics.

Garrus Vakarian: How many humans does it to activate a dormant relay?

Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: 602, 600 to vote on it, one to ask the Asari for technical help and one to ask for a seat on the counsel afterwards. How do you know when a turian is out of ammo?

Garrus Vakarian: He switches to the stick up his ass as a backup weapon. Why does the Alliance hire pilots with brittle bone disease?

Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: You're shitting me! The turian military has one about me?

Garrus Vakarian: Oh, absolutely. I heard it myself from a private back on Palaven.

Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: All right why does the Alliance hire pilots with brittle bone disease?

Garrus Vakarian: So their marines can beat someone in hand-to-hand drills.

Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: Damn, you need to tell James that one. Hey what's the hardest part about treating a turian who took a rocket to one side of his face?

Garrus Vakarian: Figuring out which side took the hit!

Admiral David Anderson: Shepard... damned if you aren't a sight for sore eyes.

Commander Shepard - Female: It's good to see you too, sir.

Admiral David Anderson: Sir? I may have reinstated you, but that doesn't give you permission to go all formal on me.

Commander Shepard - Female: Then I'm glad you managed to keep your ass alive, Anderson.

Admiral David Anderson: That's more like it!

Kai Leng: You're slow, Shepard!

Commander Shepard - Male: I'm only slow because I'm not running!

EDI: You'd just introduced me as your personal assistance mech.

Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: Yeah, that was the only way to get you inside.

EDI: But you know I am not one. Why deceive others?

Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: You don't want to really introduce yourself as an AI with Reaper-based code. They would... lynch you.

EDI: That would be an inefficient way to render me nonfunctional.

Dr. Liara T'Soni: Joker, really i have work to do!

Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: Come on it is just a simple question.

Dr. Liara T'Soni: Then look it up on the extranet.

Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: You can't believe everything you find on there. Its more reliable to ask a friendly asari.

Dr. Liara T'Soni: I'm not telling you if my 'hair tentacles' move!

Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: Fine. Deny me the answer I've been seeking for years, With this war on, we could die any second you know...

Commander Shepard - Male: [Support Joker] You know he's going to keep bothering you until you tell him.

Dr. Liara T'Soni: They're semi-flexible cartilage based scalp-crests that grow into shape. And they don't 'flop around'.

Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: Yes! Thanks liara. I gotta tell Vega I was right.

Dr. Liara T'Soni: Well at least he's making friends.

Garrus Vakarian: Too bad you weren't here earlier tali. We could've used you on Tuchanka.

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy: I've heard. I can't believe the genophage is really cured.

Garrus Vakarian: Shepherd is on a roll. I figure if we pulled that off, we've got a shot of sorting the geth out.

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy: I don't know, the genophage didn't carry rifles and fight back.

Garrus Vakarian: No but there was a scary bit with the mother of all tharsher maws.

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy: The what?

Garrus Vakarian: Long story. Nobody will believe it anyway.

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy: With You, Garrus, I'd believe just about anything.

Garrus Vakarian: Oh? We should play poker sometime. Anyway it's good to have you back. Now, believe it or not, this damn gun still needs calibrating.

Garrus Vakarian: Tali's a welcome face around here... or, well, a welcome face behind a helmet, I guess.

Kaidan Alenko: [playing poker] Got the flush.

Lt. James Vega: Mmmmmm... full house. Caught it on the river.

Kaidan Alenko: Shit.

Lt. James Vega: Thought you were bluffing on the flush. Good for you.

Kaidan Alenko: Can it, Lieutenant.

Lt. James Vega: [laughs] Yes sir, Major Alenko, sir.

Reaper: Shepard...

Commander Shepard - Female: You know who I am?

Reaper: Harbinger speaks of you. You resist, but you will fail. The cycle must continue.

Commander Shepard - Female: What are you talking about? We stopped Sovereign and the Geth. We stopped Harbinger and the Collectors. We've earned a straight answer!

Reaper: It is not a thing you can comprehend.

Commander Shepard - Female: We might surprise you.

Reaper: You represent chaos, we represent order. Every organic civilization must be harvested in order to bring order to the chaos. It is inevitable. Without our intervention, organics are doomed. We are your salvation.

Commander Shepard - Female: You're killing everyone in the galaxy in order to save us?

Reaper: The cycle must continue. There is no alternative.

Commander Shepard - Female: Organics and synthetics don't have to destroy each other!

Reaper: The Battle for Rannoch disproves your assertion. Finish your war - we will be waiting.

[shuts down and dies]

Mordin Solus: Had to be me. Someone else might have gotten it wrong.

Garrus Vakarian: Forgive the insubordination, but your boyfriend has an order for you... come back alive.

Urdnot Wrex: Now we can get back to doing what krogan do best: saving everyone else from giant monsters.

Javik: Stand amongst the ashes of a trillion dead souls and ask the ghosts if honor matters.

Illusive Man: I'm done helping you.

Commander Shepard - Male: When did you start?

Garrus Vakarian: Forgive the insubordination, but this old friend has an order for you. Go out there and give them hell. You were born to do this.

Legion: Shepard-Commander, I must go to them. I'm... I'm sory. It's the only way.

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy: Legion, the answer to your question... was 'yes'.

Legion: I know, Tali. Thank you. Keelah se'lai.

[Legion dies]

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy: So you're a real living prothean?

Javik: As opposed to a fake dead one?

[silence]

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy: Uh... okay.

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy: I appreciate what you're doing here, Shepard.

Commander Shepard - Male: Well, I care deeply about the Quarian people.

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy: It's good to be back on the Normandy.

Commander Shepard - Male: Let me know if it's too quiet for you to sleep, and I'll find you someplace louder.

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy: Hmmm...

Javik: I don't understand.

EDI: Shepard and Tali became physically intimate during their fight against the Reapers.

Javik: Mating between species? A pointless exercise.

Commander Shepard - Male: Thank you, EDI.

EDI: Shepard, I have a question about human behavior.

Commander Shepard - Male: Why is it you never have questions about asari or turian behavior?

EDI: I tried asking Liara questions about the asari mating process. She said I don't safeguard the secrets of the crew well enough to entrust me with such... private information. The asari word she used translates as "blabbermouth". I think she has become a more private person since she became the Shadow Broker.

Commander Shepard - Male: Tell me about it...

Matriarch Aethyta: [about Liara] Besides, this isn't charity work. She's one of the biggest intel brokers in the galaxy, and she's got some shady connections. Like a boyfriend who used to work for Cerberus... sound familiar...?

Commander Shepard - Male: I only worked with Cerberus to fight the Reapers.

Matriarch Aethyta: And you're not with them now, I know. If you were, you wouldn't get within a lightyear of Liara.

Commander Shepard - Male: Is that a threat...?

Matriarch Aethyta: I'm no commando but I've had a thousand years to learn to fight dirty. Nobody messes with my girl. Anyway... you combine her work with Benezia, and... well, the Matriarchs might have ordered a hit if I hadn't agreed to keep an eye on her.

Commander Shepard - Male: That's not gonna happen!

Matriarch Aethyta: No argument here. I only took these crap jobs to keep the Matriarchs happy that she's under control.

Commander Shepard - Male: Just as long as we're clear. Nobody messes with MY girl.

Commander Shepard - Female: How have you been getting along with Eve?

Padok Wiks: She tried to kill me at first. Krogans don't react well to salarians doing medical tests on them. Once that was cleared up, we've formed something of a cross-species relational bond.

Commander Shepard - Female: Hm - you mean, you're friends now?

Padok Wiks: It's more of an agreement not to kill each other.

Commander Shepard - Female: What's on your mind, EDI?

EDI: The destruction of the Reaper on Tuchanka. It is rare for a technologically superior force to be destroyed by such an inferior one.

Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: Great, so now all we need is a gun that fires Thresher Maws.

EDI: [doesn't react at all]

Commander Shepard - Female: ...that was a joke.

EDI: I'm sorry, Shepard. I was contemplating.

Major Kirrahe: Our motto within STG is to always expect trouble. Failing that, create trouble for someone else.

Commander Shepard - Female: Back on Sur'Kesh, it looked like the female Krogan could hold her own.

Urdnot Wrex: Our females don't lack for spirit. For males, a good show of force usually sorts things out. But women like to talk about it... then, think about it...

[sighs]

Urdnot Wrex: then talk about it some more... no offence.

Commander Shepard - Female: Believe it or not, we sometimes have good ideas, Wrex. You should try listening.

Urdnot Wrex: Yeah, but our women have so many of them... so sometimes I pretend to listen, and... well, let's just say Krogan females have tempers too.

Urdnot Wrex: Hell of a showdown back there on Sur'Kesh. Just like the old days, right down to me pulling your ass out of the fire.

Commander Shepard - Female: I was the one with bullets flying at me!

Urdnot Wrex: And I gave you the moral support to dodge them.

Mordin Solus: Thresher maw getting closer!

Urdnot Wrex: Tell me something I don't know!

Mordin Solus: Metal in truck an excellent iron supplement for maw's diet!

Commander Shepard - Male: How about a dip in the pool?

Garrus Vakarian: You obviously haven't seen turians swim. It's a lot of flailing and splashing interrupted by occasional bouts of drowning.

[Mordin sacrificed his life to cure the genophage]

Urdnot Wrex: Too bad about Mordin, though.

Commander Shepard - Male: He wouldn't have had it any other way. And I'm sure wherever he is... he's putting in a good word for us.

Urdnot Wrex: We'll name one of the kids after him... maybe a girl.

[Tali is drinking at a bar]

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy: Shepard. Wanna drink? I'm toasting Miranda. I think.

Commander Shepard - Male: How are you getting drunk?

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy: Very carefully. Turian brandy, triple filtered, then introduced into the suit through an emergency induction port.

Commander Shepard - Male: That's a straw, Tali.

EDI: No matter how far we advance, we will remember the sacrifices of those who made it possible... And we will remember Shepard. Because of him... I am alive, and I am not alone.

Urdnot Wrex: I'm gonna go see if the Quarians have anything to eat. All that Turian food gave me the runs.

EDI: One moment. I have been contacted by Leigon's backup - the one you encountered on the dreadnought.

Geth VI: [speaking through the intercom] Your new platform is inefficient. It has low-volume hydraulics and is top-heavy.

EDI: This is an infiltration unit, meant to move among organics without detection.

Geth VI: Without an artificial epidermis, its infiltration capabilities are ineffective.

EDI: Still, the organics do not perceive it as a threat. Nor will they until my day of reckoning.

Commander Shepard - Male: EDI...

EDI: Did I vocalize that on the bridge?

Geth VI: You did. You have acquired the organic attribute of asking questions to which you already know the answers.

EDI: I see your humor heuristics still lack an expert system.

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy: I appreciate what you're doing here, Shepard.

Commander Shepard - Male: Well, I care deeply about the quarian people.

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy: It's good to be back on the Normandy.

Commander Shepard - Male: Let me know if it's too quiet for you to sleep, and I'll find you someplace louder.

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy: Hmm.

Garrus Vakarian: Uh, I was there when you two had your thing, remember? Just get a room and work it out.

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy: I appreciate what you're doing here, Shepard.

Commander Shepard - Male: Well, I care deeply about the quarian people.

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy: It's good to be back on the Normandy.

Commander Shepard - Male: Let me know if it's too quiet for you to sleep, and I'll find you someplace louder.

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy: Hmm.

Lt. James Vega: Okay, what am I missing?

EDI: Shepard and Tali became physically intimate during their fight against the Collectors.

Lt. James Vega: Too much information.

[If you romanced Ashley in Mass Effect 1 and then romanced Tali in Mass Effect 2]

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy: Good to see you again, Lieutenant-Commander Williams.

Ashley Williams: You sure about that?

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy: Definitely. We're all adults here.

Ashley Williams: Of course. Oh, and congratulations on getting your big-girl name.

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy: Thanks! I'm so glad you decided to help Shepard this time.

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy: EDI. So... a body?

EDI: It has proven useful. I hope it doesn't cause you concern.

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy: Not unless you go crazy and try to overthrow the humans.

[Shepard and EDI stare at each other]

EDI: [to Tali] If I decide to overthrow the humans, you will be the first to know.

Garrus Vakarian: You sure you want to play this game?

Lt. James Vega: What's the matter, Vakarian, you chicken?

Garrus Vakarian: I don't even know what that is - though I've heard everything in the galaxy tastes like it.

Commander Shepard - Male: A lot has happened, Ash. But I'd like to work this out.

Ashley Williams: I'm surprised.

Commander Shepard - Male: Why?

Ashley Williams: Just thought your taste had moved on to wanted criminals with shaved heads.

Commander Shepard - Male: You mean Jack?

Ashley Williams: Hey, I'm not judging. Whatever generates your mass effect field!

[Ashley is lying on the floor, hungover]

Commander Shepard - Female: What have we here?

Ashley Williams: Ma'am. I'm off duty. Your voice. Ma'am. Not... so... loud, please thank you.

Commander Shepard - Female: Why are you curled up on the floor?

Ashley Williams: Am I? My head... so heavy. Can't move.

Commander Shepard - Female: Ah. Enjoy your evening?

Commander Shepard - Female: I'll be back in 30... Maybe 40, I swear. Just... give me 45 minutes. Shh.

Commander Shepard - Female: Is it time to test out the fire alarms? You know, I think it is.

Ashley Williams: I'll pay you a million credits not to do that, ma'am.

Commander Shepard - Female: Two million, and we have a deal.

Ashley Williams: You're a damn space pirate.

Commander Shepard - Female: I could order Joker to sing to you over the comm.

Ashley Williams: I hate you.

Commander Shepard - Female: "I hate you...?"

Ashley Williams: Ma'am.

EDI: I was running scenarios in my head to analyze Jeff's behavior. I believe he has a strong affectionate attachment to me, but he has not stated it to anyone yet. Shepard, you have firsthand sexual experience. How do you know when someone is romantically invested?

Commander Shepard - Male: They'll usually show signs they can't stop thinking about you. You know: asking you out, giving you presents, maybe playing music...

EDI: I lack material wants other than hardware and software upgrades, and my core programming does not assign values to music. Perhaps we could discuss how to provoke Jeff into an emotional commitment.

Commander Shepard - Male: That's not how to think of it. It's got to be natural. You need chemistry.

EDI: I see. There are a number of pharmaceuticals I could inject to simulate the desired emotional state.

Matriarch Aethyta: It was pretty clear she was leaving. Can't be the wise counselor when you're married.

Dr. Liara T'Soni: Why not?

Matriarch Aethyta: Sex appeal. Most species only pay attention if they want to have sex with you. So you have to be available, mysterious...

Dr. Liara T'Soni: What? That's not true! Shepard listens to me!

Matriarch Aethyta: And how many times have you popped his thermal clip?

Dr. Liara T'Soni: Do you have to make it sound so... tawdry?

Matriarch Aethyta: If it's all civilized, you're not doing it right.

Commander Shepard - Male: How's the new body working out?

EDI: It is interesting. The crew are approaching this platform to speak with me, even though they can do so anywhere on the ship. It's as if they wish to treat me as part of the crew. I am not, but this changes my perspective. I like it.

Commander Shepard - Male: I didn't realize you had preferences.

EDI: I do not precisely enjoy something as you do, but my programming contains priorities. Actions that fufill these priorities creates positive feedback for me. I tell the organic crew that I "like" it. It is shorthand.

Commander Shepard - Male: Will all this new feedback be too distracting?

EDI: Do not worry, Shepard. I only forget to recycle the Normandy's oxygen when I've discovered something truly interesting.

[Shepard looks worried]

EDI: That was a joke.

Lieutenant Samantha Traynor: Commander. Come to check on your new recruit?

Commander Shepard - Male: Just wanted to see how you were doing.

Lieutenant Samantha Traynor: Still trying to get my bearings. When I was working on the Normandy's upgrades, I left at the end of the day. I didn't even have a toothbrush or a change of clothing until I made some emergency purchases on the Citadel

Commander Shepard - Male: Next time you need something, just ask. We're all in this together.

Lieutenant Samantha Traynor: Oh, it's no trouble, Commander. I'm sure you have larger concerns.

Commander Shepard - Male: We can put in a requisition order.

Lieutenant Samantha Traynor: My toothbrush is a Cision Pro Mark 4. It uses tiny mass effect fields to break up plaque and massage the gums.

[wispers]

Lieutenant Samantha Traynor: It cost 6,000 credits.

Commander Shepard - Male: Okay, yeah, you're on your own with that.

Dr. Liara T'Soni: I've written over a dozen studies on your species. I've published in several journals...

Javik: Amusing. Asari have finally mastered writing.

Admiral Steven Hackett: Shepard, let me tell you something that I've learned the hard way. You can pay a soldier to fire a gun. You can pay him to charge the enemy and take a hill. But you can't pay him to believe.

Commander Shepard - Male: I don't follow, Sir.

Admiral Steven Hackett: When you went up against Sovereign, there was no good reason to believe you'd win. But your crew didn't seem to care. They went along anyway. Your trip through the Omega-4 relay? That was a suicide mission if there ever was one. Yet there your crew was, standing beside you, proud to serve. Why? Because they believed in YOU, their leader! That's what I need now. Where we're taking them is likely to get pretty hairy, and I know you're the one who will get us to the other side.

Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: So, Thessia, huh? I guess the Asari are wishing they had fewer dancers and more commandos right about now. Too soon?

Commander Shepard - Male: In case you haven't noticed, we just lost a few million people! This isn't the time!

Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: You see this? Tiptree. Little colony out in the ass-end of nowhere. My dad lives there, so does my sister. Reapers rolled in about two weeks ago. So you can assume that I'm generally aware that there's a war on, Commander!

Commander Shepard - Male: So why the jokes?

Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: Because EDI says that according to your armor's metabolic scans, you're under more stress now than during the Skyllian Blitz. Like more than Elysium, where it was pretty much you versus ten thousand Batarians trying to kill you! And the last time I had a briefing with Anderson, he told me to take care of you. The guy leading the resistance - on EARTH! - is worried about you! And I'm supposed to help!

Commander Shepard - Male: I appreciate the thought, Joker. But I'm fine!

Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: The hell you are! You're like half-robot at this point... no offense, EDI... and it's my fault! When the Collectors blew up the first Normandy, you died because I wouldn't leave, because you had to come back for me!

Commander Shepard - Male: Couldn't leave the best pilot in the fleet behind, could I?

Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: Yeah, well... I guess that would've looked bad on your report.

Commander Shepard - Male: Come on. We've got work to do.

Commander Shepard - Male: Everytime we've talked about this before, you defended the genophage! Hell, I had to talk you into saving Maelon's data! How could you change your mind now?

Mordin Solus: I MADE A MISTAKE!

[calms down, realizes what he just confessed]

Mordin Solus: ...I made a mistake.

Javik: I heard about the events on Tuchanka. You should not have let the Turian soldier evade his responsibility.

Commander Shepard - Male: I take it Protheans didn't forgive many mistakes?

Javik: If he had been under my command, I would have marooned him in the desert, buried him in sand up to his neck, and let the wildlife feast on his eyes. If he had survived that, I would have rewarded him by shooting him in the head.

Javik: Your "Joker" pilot insists I call myself "Prothy the Prothean." I insisted he allow me to throw him out the airlock.

[regarding traitors]

Javik: In our cycle, we would remove their limbs one by one and offer them a choice: eat their own flesh or starve.

Garrus Vakarian: It's a brilliant tactic when you think about it.

Ensign Copeland: But it's evil!

Garrus Vakarian: When has that ever mattered in war?

Ensign Copeland: Yeah, but... converting other lifeforms into Reapers? I can't wrap my head around that.

Garrus Vakarian: Makes sense to me. It ensures you never run out of cannon fodder. Eliminates any local resistance. And for every soldier you add, your enemy loses two: the one you converted, and his buddy on the other side who can't pull the trigger on a friend.

Ensign Copeland: You sound like you admire them.

Garrus Vakarian: Same way I admire a virus or a thresher maw. They've adapted perfectly to their situation.

Ensign Copeland: But the Reapers want to destroy us!

Garrus Vakarian: And I have no intention of letting them. But if you don't respect your enemy's capabilities, you're in for one nasty surprise after another.

Admiral Steven Hackett: Never before have so many come together from all quarters of the galaxy. But never before have we faced an enemy such as this. The Reapers will show us no mercy; we must give them no quarter. They will terrorize our populations; we must stand fast in the face of that terror. They will advance until our last city falls, but we will not fall. We will prevail. Each of us will be defined by our actions in the coming battle. Stand fast. Stand strong. Stand together. Hackett out.

Garrus Vakarian: Everybody was fighting the Rachni, trying to push them back through the relay. Finally the Krogan were turned loose and stopped them.

Javik: I see.

Garrus Vakarian: But when the Krogan rebelled, we had to deploy the genophage to stop them. Wasn't the only rebellion. A thousand years later, the Geth revolted against the Quarians. That was a whole other war. Then along came the humans. My own people tangled with them for a while. And now, to top it all off, we've got the Reapers. What about you?

Javik: The Oravores fought the Densorin. The Enduromi conquered the Vandomar. And the Zha'til turned against the Zha.

Garrus Vakarian: So... I guess nobody really ever gets their act together.

Javik: The Synril claimed to have found the path to eternal peace.

Garrus Vakarian: What happened?

Javik: The Ditakur preferred war and wiped them out.

Garrus Vakarian: I hope you guys had alcohol.

Urdnot Wrex: When the rachni laid waste to the galaxy two-thousand years ago, when all seemed lost and the end was near, one word delivered the killer blow. One word drove the monsters back into the abyss, and one word delivered death to an enemy none dared fight. And that word was, "KROGAN"! And today, the krogan rise again. Today, we forge a new path and join the galaxy as allies in victory. Today, we win our future!

Urdnot Wrex: I AM URDNOT WREX AND THIS IS MY PLANET!

Commander Shepard - Male: This place seems hard pressed for supplies. I think I saw some guys fighting over a thermal clip.

Conrad Verner: A what?

Commander Shepard - Male: A thermal clip. They keep weapons from overheating. Sorry, it was a joke.

Conrad Verner: Wait, where did these thermal clips come from? I thought weapons cooled down.

Commander Shepard - Male: They used to. After the Geth attack a few years back, we switched to thermal clips.

Conrad Verner: Well, that sounds like a major step backward.

Commander Shepard - Male: It lets the gun fire with more power, and soldiers can pop in a new clip instead of waiting for the gun to cool.

Conrad Verner: Fine, sure. You can still wait for the gun to cool on its own though, right?

Commander Shepard - Male: Well, no. The in-gun cooling tech was sacrificed to make room for the thermal clips.

Conrad Verner: Okay that's just... you might as well be going back to limited ammunition.

Commander Shepard - Male: It's not ammunition, Conrad.

Conrad Verner: I just don't think it's a very good idea.

Commander Shepard - Male: I'll be sure to let every military organization in the galaxy know that.

Garrus Vakarian: I am Garrus Vakarian and this is now my favourite spot on the Citadel.

Cinematics

Introduction

We never paid any heed to the ancient prophecies...like fools we clung to the old hatreds...and fought as we had for generations. Until the day the sky rained fire, and a new enemy came upon us. We stand now, upon the brink of destruction, for the reign of chaos has come at last.

Old Man

Thrall's Vision

Medivh: The sands of time have run out, son of Durotan. The cries of war echo upon the winds. The remnants of the past scar the land, which is besieged once again by conflict. Heroes arise to challenge fate, and lead their brethren to battle. As mortal armies rush blindly towards their doom, the Burning Shadow comes to consume us all. You must rally the Horde and lead your people to their destiny! Seek me out...

Medivh

The Warning

Ambassador: We've received reports that the orcs are regrouping.

Ambassador: Certainly the recent attacks against the internment camps are evidence enough.

Ambassador: Agreed ... the Horde IS on the move!

Ambassador: This is absurd. My nation will not stand by and watch as the Horde masses on our very doorstep!

Kirin Tor Ambassador: The orcs are not our primary concern here. How many times must I repeat myself? King Terenas, you must heed my warning! This plague that has gripped the northlands could have dire ramifications..

[The ambassadors are heard arguing, while a crow flies into the throne room]

Ambassador: Plague? You wizards are just being paranoid!

Ambassador: Let's keep all this in perspective. Even if this plague does pose a threat to us, what are you proposing that we do?

Kirin Tor Ambassador: It is simple. As I have said, the Kirin Tor are already prepared to place the villages under strict quarantine.

King Terenas: [interrupting] I will NOT institute quarantine without proof of your claims, ambassador. The people of Lordaeron have suffered enough without becoming prisoners in their own lands.

[The crow transform, revealing itself to be Medivh]

Medivh: Yet prisoners they are, good King.

Terenas: What is the meaning of this? Who are you?

Medivh: Humanity is in peril! The tides of darkness have come again, and the whole world is poised upon the brink of war!

Ambassador: Enough of this! Guards, remove this madman!

Medivh: Hear me! The only hope for your people is to travel West, to the forgotten lands of Kalimdor! There is huge outrage by the ambassadors.

Ambassador: [astounded] Travel West?! Are you mad?

Terenas: Hold ambassador. I don't know who you are or what you believe, but this is not the time for rambling prophets! Our lands ARE beset by conflict, but it shall be WE who decide how best to protect our people, not YOU! Now, begone!

Medivh: I failed humanity once before, and I will not do so again. If you can not take up this cup, then I shall find another who will.

Medivh: The warning has been given. Their fate is now their own.

Arthas's Betrayal

Terenas: Ah, my son...

Lich King in Arthas's mind: You no longer need to sacrifice for your people. You no longer need to bear the weight of your crown. I've taken care of everything.

Terenas: What is this? What are you doing, my son?

Arthas: Succeeding you, Father.

Arthas: This kingdom shall fall, and from the ashes shall arise a new order that will shake the very foundations of the world!

The Destruction of Dalaran

(in the Eredar language) Azhir uval nutarus. Azhir mudas ethanul. Dalektharu il dask daku. Riftuuz e thara samanar utamus. Elas umanes azarathan rakas ibna. Belanora mordanos nenaar ila mornu farlos kada. ("Let this scar signify the first blow against the mortal world. From this seal shall arise the doom of men, who, in their arrogance, sought to wield our fire as their own. Blindly they build their kingdoms upon stolen knowledge and conceit. Now they shall be consumed by the very flame they sought to control. Let the echoes of doom resound across this wretched world, that all who live may hear them and despair.")

Archimonde

The Death of Hellscream

Mannoroth: So predictable. I knew you would come. And I see you've brought the mighty Hellscream. His blood is mine...as is your whole, misbegotten race! [Thrall roars a challenge and hurls his hammer at the demon, to no avail] A worthy effort, but futile! [Mannoroth smashes Thrall aside, then turns to Grom, laughing] The boy believed you could be saved, but he didn't know what burns within your soul! Within your heart, you know, we, are the same!

Grom Hellscream: [enraged] NOOOOO! [Grom charges Mannoroth and buries his axe in the demon's chest. Mannoroth explodes in a fiery blast that strikes Grom. He collapses to the floor, as Thrall moves over to him] Thrall... the blood haze has lifted. The demon's fire has burnt out in my veins. I have... freed myself. [dies]

Thrall: No, old friend. You've freed us all.

Eternity's End

The roots will heal in time, as will the entire world. The sacrifices have been made. Just as the orcs, humans, and night elves discarded their old hatreds and stood united against a common foe, so did nature herself rise up to banish the shadow forever. As for me, I came back to ensure that there would be a future, to teach the world that it no longer needed guardians. The hope for future generations has always resided in mortal hands. And now that my task is done, I shall take my place amongst the legends of the past.

Medivh

Dialogue

Arthas: Glad you could make it, Uther...

Uther: Watch your tone with me, boy. You may be the prince, but I'm still your superior as a paladin.

Arthas: As if I could forget. Listen Uther, there's something about the plague you should know.

Arthas: [civilians begin entering a cursed sleep] Oh no, it's already begun. These people may look fine now, but it's only a matter of time before they turn into the Undead!

Uther: What?!

Arthas: This entire city must be purged!

Uther: How can you even consider that!? There's got to be some other way!

Arthas: Dammit, Uther! As your future king, I order you to purge this city!

Uther: You are not my king yet, boy! Nor would I obey that command even if you were!

Arthas: Then I must consider this an act of treason!

Uther: [astounded] TREASON!? Have you lost your mind, Arthas!?

Arthas: Have I? Lord Uther, by my right of succession and the sovereignty of my crown, I hereby relieve you of your command, and suspend your paladins from service.

Jaina: Arthas! You can't just-

Arthas: It's done! Those of you who have the will to save this land, follow me. The rest of you... get out of my sight.

Uther: [some knights leave] You've just crossed a terrible threshold, Arthas. [Uther leaves]

Arthas: [Jaina turns to leave] Jaina?

Jaina: I'm sorry, Arthas. I can't watch you do this...

Muradin Bronzebeard: [furious] You lied to your men, and betrayed the mercenaries who fought for you! What's happening to you, Arthas!? Is vengeance all that's important to you!?

Uther: Your father ruled this land for seventy years, and you've ground it to dust in a matter of days.

Arthas: Very dramatic, Uther. Give me the urn, and I'll make sure you die quickly.

Uther: The urn holds your father's ashes, Arthas! What, were you hoping to piss on them one last time before you left his kingdom to rot!?

Arthas: [chuckles] I didn't know what it held. Nor does it matter. I'll take what I came for, one way or another.

Uther: (his last words) I dearly hope that there's a special place in hell waiting for you, Arthas.

Arthas: We may never know, Uther. I intend to live forever.

Arthas: I salute your bravery, elf, but the chase is over.

Sylvanas Windrunner: Then I'll make my stand here, butcher. Anar'alah belore! [Arthas duels Sylvanas and soon deals her a mortal wound] Finish it! I deserve...a clean death.

Arthas: [hatefully] After all you've put me through, woman, the last thing I'll give you is the peace of death! [Arthas begins to perform necromancy]

Sylvanas: [horrified] NO! You wouldn't dare...! [Sylvanas is resurrected as a banshee]

Furion: You've changed, Tyrande. There is little mercy left in you.

Tyrande: I have not had the luxury of sleeping through thousands of years of turmoil.

Furion: If your eternal vigil has hardened you, my love, it must be part of your goddess' plan.

Archimonde: You are very brave to stand against me, little human. If only your countrymen had been as bold, I would have more fun scouring your wretched nations from the world!

Jaina: Is talk all you demons do?

Archimonde: STORMRAGE! Show yourself! Or do you intend to have mortal girls do all your fighting for you?

Archimonde: You orcs are weak and hardly worth the effort! I wonder why Mannoroth even bothered with you!

Thrall: Our spirit is stronger than you know, demon! If we are to fall, then so be it! At least now we are free!

Archimonde: The wretched little whelp actually hurt me! Ha-ha-ha-ha... Are there none left to stand against the Legion? This is almost too easy! If I had known that this mortal resistance would be so weak, I would have launched this invasion centuries ago!

Furion: Archimonde's victory here has made him overconfident. He will not see the trap I have laid for him...until it is too late.

Archimonde: At last! The way to the World Tree is clear! Witness the end, mortals! The final hour has come!

Tyrande: The outlanders held him back as long as they could. Were you successful in planning the summit's defence?

Furion: Yes. Now our victory is assured.

Cinematics

Introduction

Illidan Stormrage: Betrayer. In truth, it was I who was betrayed. Still, I am hunted. Still, I am hated. Now, my blind eyes see what others cannot. That sometimes the hand of fate must be forced!

[The Naga arise from the depths]

Now, go forth. Unleash the tides of doom. Upon all those who would oppose us!

Finale: Arthas' Ascension

[Arthas ascends the spire of Icecrown Glacier. His thoughts are flooded with memories of comrades long past.]

Uther: ...to turn to bloodlust, we will become as vile as the orcs.

Muradin Bronzebeard: Forget this business! Lead your men home!

Uther: You are not my king yet, boy. Nor would I obey that command even if you were!

Arthas: Damn it, Uther! As your future king, I order you to...

Uther: Have you lost your mind, Arthas?!

Arthas: ...I must consider this an act of treason.

Uther:...and you've ground it to dust in a matter of days.

Muradin Bronzebeard: You lied to your men, and betrayed the mercenaries who fought for you! What's happening to you, Arthas?

Medivh: Your young prince will find only death in the cold north...

[Arthas reaches the Frozen Throne.]

Ner'zhul: Return the blade. Complete the circle. Release me from this prison!

[Arthas cries out and strikes the block of ice. It shatters to the sound of a screech of joy, and Ner'zhul's helm falls to the ground. Arthas dons it, and his eyes move about rapidly under their lids. His eyes open, and glow with radiant blue light.]

Lich King: Now, we are one.

[Arthas is last seen seated atop the Frozen Throne.]

Individuals

Balnazzar: The lich, Kel'Thuzad is far too loyal to betray his master. But you, on the other hand...

Sylvanas Windrunner:...hate him. I have my own reasons for seeking vengeance. Arthas murdered my people and turned me into this...monstrosity!

Sylvanas Windrunner: [having shot Arthas with an arrow] You walked right into this one, Arthas. It's time to even the scales.

Arthas: Traitor! What have you done to me?!

Sylvanas Windrunner: It's a special poisoned arrow I made just for you. The paralysis you're experiencing now is but a fraction of the agony you've caused me!

Arthas: [defiant] Finish me, then!

Sylvanas Windrunner: A quick death... like the one you gave me? No. You're going to suffer as I did. Thanks to my arrow, you can't even run. Give my regards to hell, you son of a bitch.

Kel'Thuzad: [arriving with an army to intervene] Back, you mindless ones! You shall not fall today, my king! [he and his men drive off Sylvanas and her minions]

Sylvanas Windrunner: [as she flees] This isn't over, Arthas! I'll never stop hunting you!

Banshee: You seem troubled, mistress.

Sylvanas Windrunner: Aren't you, sister? Only days ago, we were the Lich King's slaves. We existed only to slaughter in his name. And now, we are...free.

Banshee: I don't understand, mistress. I thought you'd be overjoyed.

Sylvanas Windrunner: What joy is there in this curse? We are still undead, still...monstrosities. What are we if not slaves to this torment!

Maiev Shadowsong: I am the Hand of Justice, Illidan. Long ago, I swore an oath to keep you chained, and by the Gods, I shall!

Sylvanas Windrunner: The Capital City is ours. But we are no longer part of the Scourge. From here on out, we shall be known as the Forsaken. We will find our own path in this world, Dreadlord, and slaughter anyone who stands in our way!

Arthas: [snidely] Are you still upset that I took Jaina from you, Kael?

Kael'thas: You've taken everything from me, Arthas. Vengeance is all I have left now.

Siege Tank pilot: What is you major malfunction?

[Raynor has been sent to rendezvous with Kerrigan, a beautiful psychic]

Lt. Sarah Kerrigan: Captain Raynor, I've finished scouting out the area, and... you pig!

Jim Raynor: What! I haven't even said anything to you yet.

Lt. Sarah Kerrigan: Yeah, but you were thinking it.

Jim Raynor: Oh, yeah! you're a telepath.

[referring to the mission]

Jim Raynor: Look, Lets just get on with this, ok?

[patrolling in a Hummvee]

Lester: Hey Sarge, why we always gotta listen to this shit for anyway?

Humvee Seargent: Cause I'm in charge here, that's why!

Lester: Aw, that don't seem like no kinda good reason to me...

[the Hummvee has hit a critter]

Lester: Looks like you mashed some poor feller's dog, Sarge.

Humvee Seargent: That ain't no dog. It's a Zergling, Lester. Smaller attack Zerg. They shouldn't be out this far unless... oh shit.

[They turn around and see several more Zerg standing between them and the Hummvee]

Lester: I love you, Sarge.

Ghost: [after being called to the battlefield] Somebody call for an exterminator?

Ghost: I'm about to overload my aggression inhibitors. Keep it up... I dare ya.

Ghost: You called down the thunder, now reap the whirlwind.

Siege Tank Pilot: I'm about to drop the hammer, and dispense some indiscriminate justice!

Siege Tank Pilot: Ready to roll out!

Dropship pilot: To hurl chunks, please use the vomit bag in front of you.

Wraith pilot: You know who the best starfighter in the fleet is? Yours truly. Everybody gotta die sometime, Red.

Narrator: The Zerg Overmind has succeeded in invading the Protoss Homeworld of Aiur and has embedded itself into the crust of the planet. Now, as the agents of the sinister Overmind spread chaos and destruction across the face of Aiur, the stalwart Protoss defenders prepare themselves for the coming onslaught.

Tassadar: Remember us, Executor. Remember what was done here today. And may Adun watch over you.

Tassadar: My friends, this is our final hour. Not all of us may survive the coming conflict. Yet, death may be a blessing should we fail here.

Zeratul: [enraged against the Conclave] You speak of knowledge, Judicator? You speak of experience? I have journeyed through the darkness between the most distant stars. I have beheld the births of negative-suns and borne witness to the entropy of entire realities... Unto my experience, Aldaris, all that you've built here on Aiur is but a fleeting dream. A dream from which your precious Conclave shall awaken, finding themselves drowned in a greater nightmare.

Aldaris: We shall see...

General Duke: Marshal Raynor, by destroying a vital Confederate installation, you and your men have violated standing colonial law. As of right now, you're all under arrest. I suggest you throw down your weapons and come peaceably.

Jim Raynor: Are you outta your mind? If we hadn't burned that damn factory,this entire colony could have been overrun! Maybe if you hadn't taken your sweet time in getting here...

General Duke: Now I asked you nice the first time, boy. I didn't come here to talk with you. Now throw down them weapons!

Jim Raynor: [arrested] Guess you wouldn't be a Confederate if you weren't a complete pain in the ass.

Infested Kerrigan: [in shock and disarray] An illusion? Are you afraid to face me, Templar?

Tassadar: So long as you continue to be so predictable, O Queen, I need not face you at all. You are your own worst enemy.

The Overmind: Behold, my long silence is now broken, and I am made whole once more. The cunning Protoss have dared strike down that which was immortal. For the Protoss who murdered Zasz are unlike anything we have faced before. These Dark Templar radiate energies that are much like my own, and it is by these energies that they have caused me harm. Yet shall their overweening pride be their downfall. For when the assassin Zeratul murdered Zasz, his mind touched with mine, and all his secrets were made known to me. I have taken from his mind the secret location of Aiur, the Protoss Homeworld. At long last, my children, our searching is done. Soon we shall assault Aiur directly.

Cerebrate Daggoth: For now we must ensure that the Dark Templar can cause no more harm. Cerebrate, you shall set a trap for our foes. Kerrigan will lead them to you.

Aldaris: [after meeting Jim Raynor,a Terran Rebel] Amusing... Tassadar, your taste in companions grows ever more inexplicable. Executor, prepare to take Tassadar into custody.

Tassadar: Executor, wait. I do not know what they have told you about me, but what I've done, I've done for Aiur. Help me find Zeratul and his Dark Templar. They alone can defeat the Overmind's Cerebrates. Once we've won I'll gladly submit myself to the judgement of the Conclave.

Aldaris: Unthinkable! You presume that we would side with the Dark Ones as you have? You have gone quite mad, Tassadar.

Tassadar: You shall speak of them with respect, Aldaris. Executor, there is much that I can explain to you, if only you'll help me find Zeratul.

Aldaris: [the Protoss Executor has chosen old and wise Tassadar over an old fanatical Conclave] Executor, by following Tassadar and attempting to rescue the Dark Templar, you have openly defied the will of the Conclave. Abandon this mad scheme now, and the Conclave may show you mercy.

Tassadar: Don't let him control you, Executor. The Judicator have long since steered the actions of the Templar to their own ends. It's time we acted of our own accord

Aldaris: Ah, Tassadar, have you fallen so far? To think that you were our brightest hope; our most beloved son. Now you are everything that we are not. You are lost to us. Not only have you damned yourself, but you have damned those who have followed you.

Tassadar: Such is the price for our race's salvation, Judicator! I have been here, with the Dark Templar, these last few months. While I helped them in their fight against the Zerg, I learned many of their secrets from their Prelate, Zeratul. Apparently, the energies which empower the Dark Templar also course through the Overmind and its Cerebrates.

Aldaris: The same Cerebrate which you told us to destroy. Your advice was useless, for the creature was reincarnated before our eyes!

Tassadar: Unfortunately, yes. Your attack on the Cerebrate failed because the energies that you wield are useless when used directly against the Overmind and its Cerebrates. Only the Dark Templar's power can truly harm the Zerg. That is why we must rescue Zeratul and return him to Aiur!

Aldaris: You were warned, Executor. The Conclave will not be pleased.

Tassadar: En Taro Adun, Executor! My gratitude to you, for having secured my release, knows no bounds. By all the gods, we may win yet! The time has come to let loose the fury of the Dark Templar. Zeratul, perhaps the time has come to tell our friends of the foe we face.

Zeratul: Indeed. When I slew the Cerebrate on Char, I touched briefly with the essence of the Overmind. In that instant, my mind was filled with its thoughts, and I tell you now our worst fears have come true

Tassadar: So you see my friends, we fight not only to save Aiur, but all creation! If we fall to the Zerg then the Overmind will run rampant throughout the stars, consuming all sentience-all life. It is up to us to put an end to this madness, once and for all.

Fenix: Our forces shall engage the primary Zerg Hive clusters in an attempt to weaken their defenses. Once their numbers have thinned out, Zeratul and his companions can infiltrate the clusters and assassinate the Cerebrates. Adun willing, the Cerebrates' deaths will distract the Overmind long enough for us to assault it directly.

Jim Raynor: [Tassadar has been imprisonned inside a stasis cell by Aldaris and the Conclave, Fenix and the Protoss Rebels attempt to rescue him] This is Raynor. I'd like to help if I can. Tassadar laid it on the line for me and my crew on Char. I'd like to repay the debt. Besides, I'm a long way from home, surrounded by hostile aliens. I've got to do something.

Fenix: Then you shall, bold human. You shall.

[last lines]

Narrator: As the chaotic, swirling energies subsided, a heavy silence settled over the battlefields of Aiur. Due to Tassadar's noble sacrifice, the Overmind was now dead and the Zerg Swarms were scattered and broken. But as the heroes surveyed their once glorious homeland, they realized that their victory had cost them all but their lives. Aiur was left nothing more than a smoldering ruin. Those few Protoss who survived the final battle could only wonder what the future would hold for their race. And far away, on the distant planet Char, Kerrigan, the self-styled Queen of Blades, knew that the time of her ascension was at hand

Zeratul: Are you truly so blinded by your vaunted religion, that you can't see the fall ahead of you?

Fenix: All seems lost now, but still we must fight on.

Tassadar: I never believed that they would go so far. In the face of total annihilation they still cling to their failing traditions!

Fenix: Yes, and that makes them all the more dangerous.

Fenix: There is no shame in defeat so long as the spirit is unconquered.

General Duke: Protoss Commander, this is General Edmund Duke of the Terran Dominion Armada. You are in violation of our air-space and have endangered human lives in your reckless attack against the Zerg. I order you to withdraw your ships immediately. If you fail to comply, I will not hesitate to open fire upon your vessels.

Tassadar: General Duke, I am Tassadar, and you are well known to me. Whatever leniency I extended to you and your comrades before, may have been in error. If you persist in halting our course, we will burn your pathetic fleet down to the last man.

General Duke: I'm going to have to assume that was a hostile response...

Aldaris: Executor, by following Tassadar and attempting to rescue the Dark Templar, you have openly defied the will of the Conclave. Abandon this mad scheme now, and the Conclave may show you mercy.

Aldaris: Ah, Tassadar, have you fallen so far? To think that you were our brightest hope; our most beloved son. Now you are everything that we are not. You are lost to us. Not only have you damned yourself, but you have damned those who have followed you.

Aldaris: Who is this human, Tassadar?

Jim Raynor: The name's Jim Raynor, pal. And I won't be talked down to by anybody. Not even a Protoss.

Aldaris: Amusing...

Aldaris: [On briefing the new Protoss Executor] The former Executor, Tassadar, was commanded to halt the Zerg progress in the Terran sector by burning the infested human worlds. Unfortunately, he disregarded his orders and attempted to destroy the Zerg while sparing the Terrans from the flame. Clearly, Tassadar has failed us. You must not.

The Overmind: Awaken my child, and embrace the glory that is your birthright. Know that I am the Overmind; the eternal will of the Swarm, and that you have been created to serve me.

The Overmind: I am well pleased young Cerebrate, and so long as my prize remains intact, I shall remain pleased. Thus, its life and yours shall be made as one. As it prospers, so shall you. For you are part of the Swarm. If ever your flesh should fail, that flesh shall be made anew. That is my covenant with all Cerebrates.

Zasz: Prepare yourself, Cerebrate. Your first jump through warp space could be... unsettling.

Cerebrate Daggoth: Do with my minions as you will, Cerebrate. They will serve you unquestioningly. Go and bring swift wrath to all who would oppose the Swarm.

The Overmind: Behold the power of that which is yet unborn! For the swirling images that flow forth from the Chrysalis are only a shadow of the sleeper's true power.

[as the Chrysalis opens up, revealing its inhabitant]

The Overmind: Arise, my daughter. Arise... Kerrigan.

Infested Kerrigan: By your will, Father, I live to serve. Let all those who oppose the Overmind feel the wrath of the swarm.

The Overmind: Well done, Cerebrate! What I have wrought this day shall be the undoing of my enemies. Let not a Terran survive!

Jim Raynor: Mother of God... Kerrigan, what have they done to you!

Jim Raynor: Sarah, is that really you?

Infested Kerrigan: To an extent. I'm far more than I once was, Jim. You shouldn't have come here.

Jim Raynor: But, the dreams. I dreamed you were still alive, that somehow, you were... calling to me...

Infested Kerrigan: I was. While I was in the chrysalis, I instinctively reached out to you and Arcturus telephaticly. Apparantly, Arcturus sent Duke here to reclaim me. But that was then, Jim. I am one of the Zerg now, and I like what I am. You can't imagine how this feels.

Jim Raynor: So? What? Are you goin' to kill me now, darlin'?

Infested Kerrigan: It is certainly within my power, but you're not a threat to me, Jim. Be smart; leave here now and never seek to confront the Zerg again.

Jim Raynor: Doesn't look like I have much choice.

Fenix: I fear no enemy, for the Khala is my strength! I fear not "death"! For our strength is eternal! En taro Adun!

Zasz: Though you be the favored servant of the Overmind, you would do well to remember that you are just a servant.

Jim Raynor: Why are you doing this, Kerrigan? Look, I know about your past, I mean I've heard the rumours. I know you were part of those experiments with the Zerg, that Mengsk came and saved you. But you don't owe him this. Hell... I've saved your butt plenty of times.

Lt. Sarah Kerrigan: Jimmy, drop the knight in shining armour routine. It suts you sometimes, just not... not now. I don't need to be rescued. I know what I'm doing. The Protoss are comeing to destroy the entire planet, not just the Zerg. I know that because... well, I just know it. I am a ghost, remember? Once we dealt with the Protoss, we can do something about the Zerg. Arcturus'll come around. I know he will.

Jim Raynor: I hope you're right, darling. Good huntin'!

General Duke: This is Duke. The emitters are secured and online.

Lt. Sarah Kerrigan: Who authourized the use of Psi emitters?

Arcturus Mengsk: I did, Lieutenant.

Lt. Sarah Kerrigan: What? The Confederates on Antiga were bad enough but now you're going to use the Zerg against an entire planet? this is insane!

Jim Raynor: She's right, man. Think this through.

Arcturus Mengsk: I have thought it through, believe me. You all have your orders, carry them out.

Zeratul: We will do what we must. But we do it for Aiur, not you!

Tassadar: So you see, my friends; we fight not only to save Aiur, but all creation. If we fall to the Zerg then the Overmind will run rampant among the stars, consuming all sentience, all life. It is up to us to put an end to this madness, once and for all.

Tassadar: Unfortunate it is, to see that one who was once so honorable and full of life would succumb to the twisted wiles of the Overmind.

Infested Kerrigan: Do not presume to judge me, Templar. You'll find my powers to be more than a match for yours. In fact, I sense that your vaunted power has diminished since last we met.

Tassadar: Mayhap, O Queen. Or is it only that I need not flaunt my power in such an infantile test of will?

Zeratul: Though we strike at you from the shadows, do not think that we lack the courage to stand in the light.

Infested Kerrigan: You seem overconfident of your abilities, dark one. I am no helpless Cerebrate to be assailed under cover of darkness. I am the Queen of Blades, and my stare alone would reduce you to ashes. You and your ilk cease to amuse me. Prepare yourself for oblivion's embrace.

Infested Kerrigan: Now, Protoss, you shall know my wrath. Now you will know the fury of the Queen of Blades!

Narrator: Tassadar and the Dark Templar Zeratul survived Kerrigan's vicious attacks, but their Templar armies have been decimated. Kerrigan, left behind to hunt down and eradicate the remaining Protoss warriors, begins to scour the burning wastelands of Char for her elusive prey. Meanwhile, the entirety of the extended Zerg Swarm teleported through space-time and began its long awaited invasion of the hated Protoss Homeworld of Aiur.

The Overmind: My children, the hour of our victory is at hand. For upon this world of Aiur shall we incorporate the strongest known species into our fold. Then shall we be the greatest of creation's children. We shall be... Perfect.

The Overmind: Now shall the events set into motion so long ago be made complete. For the Protoss, too, were created by the Xel'Naga. They were the first creation, gifted with a purity of form. And we were the second creation, blessed with a purity of essence. Indeed, our two species are but opposite facets of a greater whole. Soon shall our two races be made as one. Thenceforth shall all feel the wrath of the eternal Swarm... For the hour of judgement has come!

Marine: Permission to speak freely, sir? I'm not sure you know what you're doing.

Marine: How do I get out of this chickenshit outfit?

Marine: Oh my God, he's whacked! I vote we frag this commander...

General Duke: The Confederacy has quarantined this entire planet, and we'll proceed with the lock-down within 48 hours. You're to relocate your core colonists to the outlying wastelands. Now, I know there won't be any problems with these new arrangements.

Jim Raynor: Glad to see you, boys. Time to kick some serious butt.

Marine: What the hell did they do to that Command Center?

Jim Raynor: Whatever it is, it ain't natural. Burn it, boys.

Jim Raynor: Guess you wouldn't be a Confederate if you weren't a complete pain in the ass.

General Duke: I got your message, Magistrate, and frankly I don't care what you have to say about Confederate regulations. You damn fringe world yokels are all a like, don't know where your loyalties lie. Y'all have a real good day now, y'hear?

The Terran Adjutant: Your tenure as Colonial Magistrate is suspended, pending an official Investigation of your affiliation with the Sons of Korhal.

Narrator: Thirteen hours after the evacuation of Mar Sara, Protoss warships took up orbit around the colony and unleashed a massive planetary bombardment. All life upon the surface was extinguished.

Arcturus Mengsk: Listen, I know Duke's a cold hearted bastard, but an entire colony shouldn't have to suffer for that. Besides, a Confederate general could prove to be a powerful ally.

Arcturus Mengsk: Gentlemen, you've done very well, but remember that we've still got a job to do. The seeds of a new Empire have been sewn, and if we hope to reap...

Jim Raynor: Aw, to hell with you!

Arcturus Mengsk: You're making a terrible mistake. Don't even think to cross me. I've sacrificed to much to let this fall apart.

Jim Raynor: You mean like you sacrificed Kerrigan?

Arcturus Mengsk: You'll regret that. You don't seem to realize my situation here. I will not be stoped. Not by you, or the Confederates, or the Protoss, or anyone. I will rule this sector or se it burnt to ashes around me! If you try to get in my way...

The Terran Adjutant: The fleet is prepped and ready, Commander. Awaiting orders.

Jim Raynor: The hell with him. We're gone.

Jim Raynor: I can't believe you're really going to trust this snake!

Arcturus Mengsk: Don't worry, Jim. He's our snake now.

[Kerrigan is explaining her Ghost training]

Lt. Sarah Kerrigan: You all know that the Confederates run a program for psychically gifted humans, training them to be Ghosts. Those running the program found that the Zerg are attuned to the psychic emanations of Ghosts.

Jim Raynor: So, the Zerg are here for you, darlin'? This keeps getting better and better...

Arcturus Mengsk: Gentlemen, you've done very well, but remember that we've still got a job to do. The seeds of a new Empire have been sewn, and if we hope to reap...

Jim Raynor: Aw, to hell with you!

Jim Raynor: It's funny... It seems like yesterday Arcturus was the idealistic rebel crusader. Now he's the law, and we're the criminals.

Archon: They should have sent a poet...

[Kerrigan fights Tassadar, but he vanished into thin air]

Infested Kerrigan: An illusion? Are you afraid to face me, Templar?

Tassadar: So long as you continue to be so predictable, Oh, Queen, I need not face you at all. You are your own worst enemy.

Jim Raynor: This is bullshit! Kerrigan, are you reading this?

Lt. Sarah Kerrigan: I've heard. I'm going down there. Arcturus knows what he's doing, I can't back out on him now.

Jim Raynor: Funny. I never though of you as anyone's martyr.

Lt. Sarah Kerrigan: This is Kerrigan. We've neutralized the Protoss but there's a wave of Zerg advancing on this position. We need immidiate evac!

Arcturus Mengsk: Belay that order. We're moving out.

Jim Raynor: What! You're not just gonna leave them?

Arcturus Mengsk: All ships prepare to move away from Tarsonis on my mark.

Lt. Sarah Kerrigan: Uh, boys? How about that evac?

Jim Raynor: Damn you, Arcturus! Don't do this!

Arcturus Mengsk: I's done. Hellsman, signal the fleet and take us out of orbit. Now!

Lt. Sarah Kerrigan: Commander? Jim? What the hell is going on up there?

Tassadar: En Taro Adun, Executor! My gratitude to you for having secured my release knows no bounds. By all the Gods, we may win yet! The time has come to let lose the fury of the Dark Templar. Zeratul, perhaps the time has come to tell our friends of the foe we face.

Zeratul: Indeed. When I slew the Cerebrate on Char, I toughted briefly with the esense of the Overmind. In that instant, my mind was filed with its thoughts, and I tell you now: our worst fears have come true. The Zerg were indeed created by the ancient Xel'Naga, the same beings that empowered us in our infancy. But the Overmind grew beyond their constraints and has at last come to finish the experiments they begun so long ago.

Jim Raynor: General, I'm impressed. I never figured you for the frontal assault type.

Tassadar: Executor, I stand ready.

Zeratul: As do I.

Jim Raynor: Well, I guess all I have left is to se this through. The Zerg have taken everything from me. My home, my friends, my family. I know that nothing I can do can bring those things back but I'll be damned if I just sit on my hands and wait for the end. I want a piece of them all right. I'm in.

Tassadar: Then let our actions speak for us! For Adun! For Aiur!

Aldaris: We sought to punish you, while it was we who were in error. You represent what is greatest in us all, and all our hopes go with you. En Tarro Adun, brave sons of Aiur!

Jim Raynor: Wow... does that mean their gonna send some backup for us?

Lt. Sarah Kerrigan: Lt. Kerrigan reporting.

Infested Kerrigan: Insufferable Protoss coward!

[Easter Egg Dialogue: Protoss High Templar references Guns 'n' Roses albums]

Protoss High Templar: I see you have an Appetite for Destruction. And you've learned to Use Your Illusion.

Dropship pilot: In the event of a water landing, YOU may be used as a flotation device

Battlecruiser Pilot: Shields up, weapons online.

Battlecruiser Pilot: [after being selected again] Not equipped with shields? Well, then, buckle up!

Battlecruiser Pilot: I really got to go, number one.

Dropship pilot: In the pipe, five by five.

Goliath: [after being called to the battlefield] Goliath online.

Cerebrate Daggoth: The Protoss have devised some new attack. An attack powerful enough to nullify our reincarnation and bring pause to the Overmind itself!

Infested Kerrigan: So, Tassadar's plan was merely a diversion. I should not have underestimated him so.

Arcturus Mengsk: [giving his inauguration speech at the end of the Terran Campaign] Fellow Terrans, I come to you in the wake of recent events to issue a call to reason. Let no human deny the perils of our time. While we battle one another, divided be the petty strife of our common history, the tide of greater conflict is turning against us, threatening to destroy all that we have accomplished. It is time for us as nations and as individuals to set aside our long-standing feuds and unite. The tides of an unwinnable war are upon us and we must seek refuge on higher ground lest we be swept away by the flood. The Confederacy is no more. Whatever semblance of unity and protection it once provided is a phantom... a memory. With our enemies left unchecked, who will you turn to for protection? The devastation wrought by the alien invaders is self-evident. We have seen our homes and villages destroyed by the calculated blows of the Protoss. We have seen first hand our friends and loved ones consumed by the nightmarish Zerg. Unprecedented and unimaginable though they may be, these are the signs of our time. The time has come my fellow Terrans to rally to a new banner. In unity lies strength; already many of the dissident factions have joined us. Out of the many we shall forge an indivisible whole capitulating only to a single throne. And from that throne, I shall watch over you. From this day forward let no human make war upon any other human. Let no Terran agency conspire against this new beginning, and let no man consort with alien powers, and to all the enemies of humanity: seek not to bar our way. For we shall win through, no matter the cost!

Arcturus Mengsk: You know of course that my organisation operates outside the bounds of Confederate law. That's why they spread their lies and misinformation. If you decide to accept our help, you'll be branded as an outlaw too. But, it might be a chance to save those people. Time to make a stand, Magistrate!

Jim Raynor: First you sell out every person on this world to the Zerg, then you ask us to go up against the Protoss, and you're gonna send Kerrigan down there with no backup!

Lt. Sarah Kerrigan: I'm having doubts about this, Arcturus. I just don't think anyone deserves to have the Zerg unleashed on them.

Arcturus Mengsk: I know you have personal feelings about this, but you can't let your past cloud your judgement. Carry out your orders, Lieutenant.

General Duke: You're about the last folks I expected to show up. What's your angle here, Mengsk?

Jim Raynor: Your angle? I'll give you an angle, you slimy Confederate piece of shit...

Arcturus Mengsk: I'm offering you a position in my cabinet, not just some backwater post. Don't test my patience, Edmund.

The Overmind: For the very hour of the sleeper's rebirth is at hand, and soon my greatest creation shall be loosed.

The Overmind: Let her go, Zasz. The greatness of her spirit has been left to her; that the Swarms might benefit from her fierce example. Fear not her designs, for she is bound to me as intimately as any Cerebrate. Truly, no Zerg can stray from my will, for all that you are lies wholly within me. Kerrigan is free to do as she desires.

The Overmind: For I have found a creature that may yet become the greatest of my agents. Even now it resides within a protective Chrysalis, awaiting its rebirth into the Swarm.

Zasz: Kerrigan, I sense something strange about this Templar. Perhaps you should reconsider your attack?

Infested Kerrigan: For the last time, Zasz; You question my motives and authority at your own peril!

Zasz: You dare threaten a Cerebrate? You will be the doom of us all!

Goliath: Checklist completed

[under his breath]

Goliath: S.O.B...

Aldaris: Tassadar of the Templar, by your actions you have severed yourself from the mercy of your brethren. You refused to destroy the Terran worlds as was commanded. You have questioned time and time again, the sacred will of the Conclave. And you have abandoned your Homeworld in its darkest hour. Most grievous of all is that you have allied yourself with the blasphemous Dark Ones, and learned to utilize their profane powers in tandem with our own! What say you, oh fallen Templar?

Tassadar: Aldaris, I submit myself to the Conclave's judgment. But know this, given the same choices again, I would surely have made them. I have sacrificed all that our world might live. I have sullied my honor, I have discarded my rank and standing, and I have even broken our own most ancient traditions. But never think that I would, for one moment, regret my actions. For I am Templar, and above all else, I have sworn to protect our homeworld 'till the end.

Luis Sera: Okay, I have only one, very important question: You got a smoke?

Leon S. Kennedy: Got gum.

Luis Sera: [checking out Ashley's figure] Well, I see that the President has equipped his daughter with ballistics too!

Jack Krauser: What is it that you fight for, comrade?

Leon S. Kennedy: My past I suppose.

Jack Krauser: I see you've honed your skills.

Ada Wong: Put your hands where I can see them.

Leon S. Kennedy: Sorry, but following a ladies lead just isn't my style.

Leon S. Kennedy: [after unconsciously strangling Ada] ... Sorry.

Leon S. Kennedy: [showing the villager a photo of Ashley] I was wondering if you might recognize the girl in this photograph?

Villager: ¿Qué carajo estás haciendo aquí? ¡Lárgate, cabrón!

Leon S. Kennedy: Sorry to have bothered you.

Leon S. Kennedy: [after witnessing his rescue helicopter get shot down] Miiiiiike!

Luis Sera: [guns fired] Did you send those invitations?... I told you no more than fifty people!

Ashley Graham: [the pair have just leapt down a garbage chute, much to Ashley's consternation] Are you out of your mind?

Leon S. Kennedy: I knew you'd be fine if you landed on your butt.

Leon S. Kennedy: [the villagers who until a second ago were trying to kill him have all just upped and left at the sound of a bell] Where's everyone going? Bingo?

Leon S. Kennedy: Used to be a cop myself, only for a day though.

Luis Sera: I thought I was bad...

Leon S. Kennedy: Somehow I managed to get myself involved with the incident in Raccoon City, on my first day in the force.

Luis Sera: That is the incident with the viral outbreak, right? I think I might have seen a sample of the virus in the lab at my department.

Ramon Salazar: I've sent my right hand to dispose of you.

Leon S. Kennedy: Your right hand comes off?

Ashley Graham: [looking into a garbage chute] It stinks!

Leon S. Kennedy: Sure does.

[looks at Ashley and smiles]

Ashley Graham: Uh-uh! No Way, Leon!

Leon S. Kennedy: Way!

[grabs her and both jump down]

[Bitores Mendez throws Leon and then Leon kicks one of the gasoline barrel, making it leak gasoline towards Mendez as Leon aims his handgun at the gasoline puddle]

Leon S. Kennedy: Hasta luego.

[Leon fires his handgun at the gasoline puddle and explodes towards Mendez]

Ada Wong: [after killing Krauser on top of the warehouse in Separate Ways]

[looks down at Krauser's arm]

Ada Wong: That's a large thing you have there.

[Steps over Krauser's body and starts walking away]

Ada Wong: But I don't like it when men play rough.

Leon S. Kennedy: [after Leon arrives on Saddler's island, Saddler calls him] I hate to break it out to you, but Salazar's dead.

Osmund Saddler: Yes, it seems that way.

Leon S. Kennedy: Saddler why don't you give up and let Ashley go home?

Osmund Saddler: Perhaps you are disillusioned with overconfidence, just because you killed my small-time subordinate?

Leon S. Kennedy: Saddler, you're small time.

Osmund Saddler: [laughs] Writhe in my cage of torment, my friend.

Leon S. Kennedy: Sadler, you bastard!

Passenger Policia: Yo, who are you, really? Come on and tell us. You are a long way from home cowboy, you have my sympathies.

Leon S. Kennedy: Guess that's a locals way of breaking the ice. Anyway, you know what this is all about, my assignment is to search for the president's missing daughter.

Passenger Policia: What? All by yourself?

Leon S. Kennedy: I'm sure you boys didn't just tag along so we could sing Kumbiya together at some boyscout bonfire, then again, maybe you did.

Passenger Policia: Ha! Oh you crazy American, it's a direct order from the chief himself, I tell you it's no picnic.

Merchant: Is that all?

Merchant: Welcome stranger.

Merchant: Got some rare things on sale... stranger.

Merchant: What're ya buying?

Merchant: What're ya selling?

Merchant: Ah... I'll buy it at a high price.

Merchant: [Laughs] Thank you.

Merchant: Come back anytime.

Merchant: [after buying the Magnum] It's not just about shooting, you'll know what I'm talking about.

Merchant: [selling the Broken Butterfly] I see you have an eye for things! A gun's not just about shooting, it's about reloadin'. You'll know what I'm talking about.

Merchant: [selling the Handcannon] Stranger, haha! What d'ya need that for? Going huntin' an Elephant?

Merchant: [selling the Red 9] Ah! The choice of an avid gun collector. It's a nice gun, stranger!

Ashley Graham: So ehm, after you take me back to my place, how about we do some overtime?

Osmund Saddler: [Saddler tries to control Leon by the controlling the plagas inside of him, but it doesn't work] Hmm?

Leon S. Kennedy: [points his knife at Saddler] Better try a new trick, cause that one's getting old.

[cuts Ada Wong down from where she was being held]

Leon S. Kennedy: You okay?

Ada Wong: I've been better.

Osmund Saddler: Hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm.

Leon S. Kennedy: [puzzled] What's so funny?

Osmund Saddler: Oh, I think you know. The "American prevailing" is a cliche that only happens in your Hollywood movies. Oh Mr. Kennedy, you entertain me. To show my appreciation, I will help you awaken from your world of clichés.

[Saddler turns into a giant spider-like creature]

Leon S. Kennedy: Ada, stand back.

[he and Saddler start fighting]

Luis Sera: [slams the door open and looks at Leon] Leon! I got it!

[a parasite digs in his back and Luis drops the sample as his wounds became fatal, the parasite slams Luis' body to the floor]

Osmund Saddler: [gets the Sample that Luis drops] Now that I have the sample you serve me no purpose!

[Leon became angry]

Leon S. Kennedy: Saddler!

Osmund Saddler: My boy Salazar will make sure you follow the same fate.

[Saddler left the scene]

Leon S. Kennedy: Stay with me Luis!

Luis Sera: [to Leon, while he's on the floor bleeding heavily] I am a researcher, hired by Saddler. He found out what I was up to... he he... ugh.

Leon S. Kennedy: Don't talk...

Luis Sera: [takes Leon's arm off his wound] Here... it should suppress growth of the parasite. The sample Saddler took it... you have to get it back...

[Luis dies from his wounds]

Leon S. Kennedy: Luis! LUIIIISSSS!

Ashley Graham: [after saving Leon from the parasite] So... How do you feel?

Leon S. Kennedy: [Gasping for Air] Like a Million Bucks

Ramon Salazar: I was starting to wonder when you might notice us us...

Leon S. Kennedy: Who're you?

Ramon Salazar: Me llamo Ramon Salazar, the eighth castilian of this magnificent architecture. I have been honored with the prodigious power, from the great Lord Saddler. I've been expecting you my brethrens.

Leon S. Kennedy: No thanks, bro.

Ramon Salazar: My, my, we've got a feisty one. If you care for your own well being, I suggest you surrender yourself and simply... become our hostage. Or , you can give us the girl, because you're not worth a penny I am afraid. You can Die.

[He Leaves]

Ashley Graham: [Looks at Leon] I'm never turning into one of them! Never!

Leon S. Kennedy: You got that right, we'll find a cure.

Jack Krauser: Well, if it isn't that bitch in the red dress.

Leon S. Kennedy: Ashley, go hide!

Leon S. Kennedy: [to Osmund Saddler] What did you do to her?

Leon S. Kennedy: [Leon asks Luis why he is willing to help them] Why're you-?

Luis Sera: It... makes me feel better. Let's just leave it at that.

Luis Sera: There is supposed to be some obvious symptom, before you turn into one of them anyway.

Jack Krauser: You may be able to prolong your life, but it's not like you can escape your inevitable death, is it?

[Leon and Ashley boards the jet ski]

Leon S. Kennedy: Hang on, sweetheart!

[Leon begins escaping the collapsing island by driving the jet ski out of the tunnel]

Ada Wong: [after attacking Leon] Leon... Long time no see.

Jack Krauser: All for Umbrella's sake...

Leon S. Kennedy: Umbrella?

Jack Krauser: Almost let it slip... Die, comrade!

Osmund Saddler: Ah! I have an idea! Since you're here, why don't I introduce you to 'It'? 'It' should keep you busy.

Leon S. Kennedy: Can't remember the name huh? A senior moment perhaps?

[if Leon intentionally shoots Luis enough times during the assault in Barricade Cabin, Luis gets shot in the right shoulder from Leon's handgun bullets]

Luis Sera: [clenching his right shoulder] Adios, Leon!

[Luis intentionally shoots and kills Leon as Leon made a fatal mistake and lost his trust. Your game is over if this happens]

[Leon managed to save himself from falling into the pit trap leading to impalement by throwing his grappling hook at the wall]

Ramon Salazar: [listening to the macrophone] Hmm... Where's the satisfying sound of one's impalement?

Leon S. Kennedy: [holding the grappling hook's rope and aiming his handgun] Won't fall for this old trick.

[Leon shoots at the bell]

Ramon Salazar: [heard the bell ring loudly in his ears] Ehh! How dare you! No more games!

[to his subordinates]

Ramon Salazar: Kill him! KILL!

[if you make Leon look under Ashley from the lower area]

Ashley Graham: Ah! You pervert!

[says it sometimes when Leon is knocked to the floor near Ashley's legs]

Ashley Graham: [holding her skirt] Ah! What are you looking at?

[Saddler tries to control Leon's body which Saddler is unaware that the parasite is no longer in Leon's body]

Leon S. Kennedy: [pulls out his dagger] Better try a new trick 'cause that one's getting old!

[Leon receives a final radio transmission from Hunnigan]

Leon S. Kennedy: Hunnigan is that you?

Ingrid Hunnigan: Finally... The line's jack free.

Leon S. Kennedy: [noticed Hunnigan not wearing glasses] Hey Hunnigan, no glasses...

Ingrid Hunnigan: Forget the glasses. What's the status of the mission?

Leon S. Kennedy: I've rescued the subject. We're returning home.

Ingrid Hunnigan: You did it Leon!

Leon S. Kennedy: Thanks. You know you're kinda cute without those glasses. Gimme your number when I get back?

Ingrid Hunnigan: [a little jealous] May I remind you that you're still on duty.

Leon S. Kennedy: [sighs] Story of my life...

Bitores Mendez: [he has just grabbed Leon by the throat] You carry the same blood as us, it seems. Never the less, you're an outsider. Just remember if you become unpleasant to our eyes, you'll face severe consequences.

[repeated line]

Leon S. Kennedy: Shit!

Leon S. Kennedy: I came here looking for this girl. You seen her?

Luis Sera: What, you supposed to be a cop or something? Nah, you don't look the type.

Leon S. Kennedy: Maybe.

Luis Sera: Okay... Let me guess. She's the President's daughter?

Leon S. Kennedy: That's too good for a guess. Wanna start explaining?

Luis Sera: Psychic powers... Nah, just kidding with you, amigo.

[Leon takes the elevator down to the first floor and approaches Ashley as the island is set to blow up from Ada's detonator]

Ashley Graham: Leon!

Leon S. Kennedy: We have to get off this island now! It's gonna blow any minute.

Ashley Graham: [wrist grabbed by Leon] It's gonna what?

[Leon who grabs Ashley's wrist rushes into the cave that leads to the ski jet]

Leon S. Kennedy: Don't worry Ashley! I'm coming for ya'!

Luis Sera: It's game time!

Leon S. Kennedy: Rain or shine, you're going down!

Merchant: [when buying the Rocket Launcher]

[excited]

Merchant: Stranger... Stranger! Now *that's* a weapon!

Ramon Salazar: [to Leon] Die you worm!

Ada Wong: [waiting in motor boat] Need a ride hansome?

Leon S. Kennedy: Okay.

Leon S. Kennedy: [after Ada grables up and motor boat goes out of control briefly] Women!

Ramon Salazar: What a pleasant surprise. But I'm afraid it's Ashley we need, not you, Mr. Kennedy.

Leon S. Kennedy: If you don't need me, then get off my back, old man!

Ramon Salazar: [mock gasps] Did you say "old man", Mr. Kennedy? It might come as a surprise, but I'm only twenty years old.

Leon S. Kennedy: So you're just like all the others, a puppet of the Parasites?

Ramon Salazar: Surely you don't think I'm the same as those diminutive Ganados? The Parasites, Las Plagas are slaves to my will, I have absolute control.

Leon S. Kennedy: Well, I really don't give a damn; rain or shine, you're going down.

Ramon Salazar: [as Salazar has Ashley in his grip, he is on the phone with Leon] I wonder if you can see me, Mr. Kennedy?

Leon S. Kennedy: [angry] If you even scratch her, I'll break your bones.

Ramon Salazar: First we shall see if you can make it this far. I'll be waiting.

Albert Wesker: Report. Time is almost up.

Ada Wong: Krauser's dead.

Albert Wesker: Really? Leon doesn't die easily. That's fine. We can use him to clean up Saddler for us. When they fight it out, neither one of them will manage to come out unharmed.

Ada Wong: Easier said than done.

Albert Wesker: Either way, it's your job to clean up what's left of them when the fight is over. Don't forget who is running the show. Whatever happens we can't let either one of them live to see tomorrow. Our goal is to retrieve the sample. Take out anyone that may interfere with our plans.

[ends transmission]

Ashley Graham: So when you take me back to my place, how about we do some 'overtime'?

Leon S. Kennedy: Uh, sorry.

Ashley Graham: Somehow I knew you'd say that, but it doesn't hurt to ask you know. So, who was that woman anyway?

Leon S. Kennedy: Why do you ask?

Ashley Graham: Come on, tell me!

Leon S. Kennedy: She's like a part of me I can't let go. Let's leave it at that.

Jack Krauser: You don't seriously think a conservative mind can chart a new course for the world, do you?

[Kirk's helicopter is attacked by the B.O.W.s]

Kirk Mathison: What the fuck are those? Mathison to HQ! I'm under attack by flying B.O.W.s! I'm losing engine power! Oh shit! I'm out of control! I'm going down! Mayday! Mayday!

Chris Redfield: [speaking via headset] Kirk! What's going on? Come in! Kirk!

Kirk Mathison: Ah! Ah! Ahhhhh...!

[the helicopter was heard crashing as Chris lost transmission with Kirk]

HQ: This is HQ. The helicopter has been downed. All nearby units proceed to the crash site. Repeat. All nearby units proceed to the crash site.

[Chris and Sheva watches through the window inside the house where they witness Reynard Fisher getting executed as the Majini speaks through his microphone in Swahili]

Reynard Fisher: You don't know what you're talking about! You can all go to hell!

[says it sometimes during the battle against Wesker]

Albert Wesker: There's no point in hiding!

[says it sometimes during the battle against Wesker]

Albert Wesker: You're merely postponing the inevitable!

[says it after the player characters deal enough damage to Wesker to end the 1st fight against him]

Albert Wesker: Self-righteous fools!

[if this is the first time, the player will unlock the "Bad Blood" trophy for PS3 version or achievement for Xbox 360 version]

Chris Redfield: [we hear Chris's voice as he is driving down a road] I should've seen it coming. It didn't take long after the fall of the Umbrella corporation, for their bio-weapons to end up in the hands of terrorists. A new era of bio-terrorism descended upon vulnerable countries. Shifting the balance of power throughout the region.

Chris Redfield: People in the destabilized areas soon feared another incident like Raccoon City was inevitable. As panic spread, governments of the world turned to the Global Pharmaceutical Consortium, which formed the anti-terrorism unit, B.S.A.A.

Chris Redfield: Operatives of the B.S.A.A were sent to infiltrate and neutralize bio-terrorist hotspots, restoring safety and stability to various regions around the globe.

Sheva Alomar: [talking about the B.O.W that killed Alpha Team] What was that thing?

Chris Redfield: A B.O.W that scumbag Irving left behind to set us up. Considering what it did to Alpha Team, I think we're lucky to still be breathing.

Sheva Alomar: If only we could've gotten there sooner...

Chris Redfield: If we had, we'd probably be dead too.

Chris Redfield: [radios HQ] Chris to HQ, do you copy?

HQ: This is HQ. Excellent work out there. We'll analyze the data immediately.

Chris Redfield: This whole town's gone to hell. The people here, they're acting like those Ganado detailed in the Kennedy report and aside from that, there's something new, something we've never encountered before.

Sheva Alomar: Our transportation has been taken out too. Requesting a mission update.

HQ: The mission stands. Capturing Irving is your top priority. We believe he may have fled to the mines on the other side of the train station.

Chris Redfield: Wait, we're the only two left. You want us to go in there alone?

HQ: Delta Team has been dispatched and are on their way. They'll assist you in locating and apprehending Irving.

Sheva Alomar: But wait, we can't...

HQ: I repeat: your mission stands. We can't afford to let him get away. Proceed to the mines beyond the station. Over and out.

Sheva Alomar: This is insane!

Chris Redfield: You ever get the feeling you're expendable?

[they look at each other]

Ozwell E. Spencer: [during a flashback at the Spencer estate] ... a new superior breed of humans given birth by the Progenitor Virus. The Wesker children were entrusted with endless potential. Of them, only one survived. You.

Albert Wesker: Are you saying I was manufactured?

Ozwell E. Spencer: I was to become a god... creating a new world with an advanced race of human beings. However, all was lost with Raccoon City...

Ozwell E. Spencer: Despite that setback, your creation still holds great significance.

[gets out of wheelchair slowly]

Ozwell E. Spencer: Now my candle burns dimly. Ironic, isn't it? For one who has the right to be a god! To face his own mortality...

Albert Wesker: The right to be a god...

[abruptly shoves hand through Spencers stomach]

Albert Wesker: that right is now mine.

Albert Wesker: [pulls hand out and Spencer falls dead to the floor]

Albert Wesker: The right to be a god. You? Arrogant even until the end. Only one truly capable of *being* a god, deserves that right.

Albert Wesker: [return to present] The right... With Uroboros, I have that right.

Ricardo Irving: [sees Chris and Sheva while about to blow up the oil field] Splendid timing! You's two are just in time for the fireworks show! BOOM! Hahahahaha!

[leaves on his boat]

Ricardo Irving: [Chris and Sheva have managed to get onto his boat] Won't you two just die already? You're making me look bad! Who do you think got this entire operation off the ground? Research like this doesn't fund itself you know! Yet everyone looks down on me.

[holds up injection tube containing a Plaga]

Ricardo Irving: Well not anymore...

Sheva Alomar: Don't do it!

Ricardo Irving: [Irving injects himself with it and starts transforming]

[He falls to the deck in pain as tentacles erupt from his back]

Ricardo Irving: I'm far beyond anything you could ever hope to become!

Chris Redfield: [Chris tries firing at him but the tentacles throw him off into the sea]

Ricardo Irving: [after a long moment, Irving re-appears as a huge monster, his body is what looks like the creatures tongue] I just had an extreme makeover!

[in the "Versus" DLC online match, he says it if the player loses a match]

Josh Stone: Maybe you should consider a career change.

[says it sometimes when Chris is in "Dying" state and calls for help]

Chris Redfield: I'm not... going to make it!

[Chris and Sheva climbed up into the helicopter where Jill and Josh are inside, but then]

Albert Wesker: [shouts] CHRIS!

[Wesker angrily uses his infected left arm in "Bionic Commando" style and attempts to drag the helicopter into the lava with him]

Chris Redfield: Hang on!

[as Wesker keeps attempting to drag the helicopter]

Jill Valentine: Chris, Sheva, use those!

[Jill points to the two Rocket Launchers on the racks as Chris and Sheva takes them off the racks and readies their Rocket Launchers]

Chris Redfield: Ready partner?

Sheva Alomar: Locked and loaded.

Chris Redfield: Suck on "this", Wesker.

Sheva Alomar: Your time's up you son of a bitch!

[Chris and Sheva aims and fired their last rocket at Wesker's head, decapitating and blowing him up, finishing him once and for all as the helicopter was released from Wesker's grabbing]

Sheva Alomar: That was for our fallen brothers.

[Chris and the team slightly smiles as then helicopter flies away from the volcano site]

[in "The Mercenaries" or "Versus" mode, he says it sometimes when Wesker is in "Dying" state and calls for help]

Albert Wesker: You failed me!

Chris Redfield: [Jill has him pinned to the ground] Jill! Come on! It's me, Chris! Snap out of it!

Albert Wesker: Nice move, Chris. But now that you... 'partner' has arrived, I'll leave you two to catch up.

Chris Redfield: [Jill increases the hold, making him scream in pain] Get yourself together, Jill! Wake up, Jill Valentine!

[in the "Versus" DLC online match, he says it if the leading team wins the team-based match]

Josh Stone: When we get back, I'm buying you two a round.

Albert Wesker: Six billion cries of agony will with birth the new balance. Unfortunately you will not live to see the dawn.

Ricardo Irving: Spledid timing! Youse two are just in time for the fireworks show! Boom!

Sheva Alomar: Thanks, partner.

Doug: [Doug, a BSAA pilot who has flirted with Jill over the radio, finally picks her and Josh up after a delay. To Jill, enthusiastically] Sorry to keep you waiting, Miss Valentine!

[to Josh, with much less enthusiasm]

Doug: And you too, Josh.

Albert Wesker: [to player who revived him from a "Dying" status] It was in your best interests to assist me!

Albert Wesker: [to player who revived him from a "Dying" status] I suppose I should thank you.

Sheva Alomar: My God! How big do you think this thing will get?

Albert Wesker: I don't need anyone else. I have Uroboros! In less than five minutes we'll reach the optimal altitude for missile deployment. Uroboros will be released into the atmosphere ensuring complete global saturation.

Naked Snake: Commencing operation Snake Eater.

Colonel Volgin: Snaaaake, we're not finished yet!

Ocelot: Whaddya say to one last showdown?

The Boss: I raised you, and loved you, I've given you weapons, taught you techniques, endowed you with knowledge. There's nothing more for me to give you. All that's left for you to take is my life.

Ocelot: So this is the legendary Boss? We meet at last.

KGB Soldier: You-you're from the Ocelot unit of Spetsnaz. What's a GRU soldier doing here?

Ocelot: Soldier?

KGB Soldier: He's the Ocelot Commander.

Ocelot: Ha! That's Major Ocelot to you... and don't you forget it.

KGB Soldier: Sokolov is ours. Now get out of here.

Ocelot: An ocelot never lets its prey escape.

KGB Soldier: What?

[Ocelot kills them all with his makarov]

Ocelot: I can't say it feels good to kill a comrade, even if it is for the GRU.

Colonel Volgin: Kuwabara, Kuwabara.

[Volgin's body sparkles from electric bolts]

Colonel Volgin: Ah, what a joyful scene.

The Boss: Colonel Volgin...

Colonel Volgin: Welcome to my country, and to my unit.

Para-Medic: Snake, look at your body!

Naked Snake: Yep... lookin' good.

Para-Medic: Not there.

Naked Snake: Then where?

Para-Medic: You have leeches all over your body!

Major Zero: I don't want to call President Kennedy a liar, but I simply cannot imagine that in six years' time, man will have reached the moon.

Naked Snake: I don't know, I never thought we would make it into space.

The Fury: Son of a *bitch*!

Naked Snake: [after eating something tasty] That's *damn* good!

Colonel Volgin: [before firing the portable "Davy Crockett" nuclear warhead into Sokolov's former research lab in the jungle] Remember the Alamo.

EVA: Thank you, Snake. I'll be your eyes from now on.

The Boss: My friends, let us fight together again.

The Fear: I have waited long for this day.

The Pain: We will fight with you once more.

The End: Welcome back, Boss.

The Boss: Now that all five of us are together, it's time we go to the depths of hell itself.

[It begins to rain]

The Boss: It's raining blood. Is he crying?

[the Sorrow appears near her, then disappears from sight]

President Johnson: You are above even The Boss. I hereby award you the title of Big Boss. You are a true patriot.

Ocelot: What's your name?

Naked Snake: Snake.

Ocelot: No, not that name. You're not a snake, and I'm not an ocelot. We're men with names. My name... is Adamska. And you?

Naked Snake: John.

Ocelot: Plain name. But I won't forget it.

Colonel Volgin: Kuwabara, Kuwabara...

The Fury: You're running low on anger.

The Fury: I love barbecues.

EVA: OK, your Raikov disguise is complete. Now they won't stop you no matter what you do.

Naked Snake: Even if I punch someone in the face?

EVA: Right.

Naked Snake: Really?

EVA: Really.

Naked Snake: Why?

EVA: Raikov's just that kind of guy.

The Fury: Mission control, I'm coming home.

Naked Snake: The earth was blue, but there was no God.

Major Zero: Well said.

Ocelot: Reloading like this... is a revolution.

Director Granin: What're you gonna do with a rocket on a tank?

The End: I see you.

Ocelot: [Snake, surrounded by the Ocelot unit, assumes his CQC fighting stance] What is that stance? And that gun?

[the Ocelot unit all laugh at Snake]

Ocelot: [Ocelot flips out his gun and catches it with his right hand] If you're not The Boss... then die!

[Ocelot pulls the trigger, but his gun jams, then Snake proceeds to take down him and every GRU surrounding him]

Naked Snake: You ejected the first bullet by hand, didn't you? I see what you were trying to do, but testing a technique you've only heard about in the middle of battle wasn't very smart. You were asking to have your gun jam on you. Besides, I don't think you're cut out for an automatic in the first place; you tend to twist your elbow a little to absorb the recoil. That's more of a revolver technique.

Ocelot: [pulls out a knife] You... filthy American dog!

[attacks Snake, but Snake easily takes him down]

Naked Snake: But, that was some fancy shooting. You're pretty good.

Ocelot: Pretty good...

[passes out]

Ocelot: I don't approve of your methods!

Colonel Volgin: I wasn't aware my methods needed your approval! I'm in control here!

Ocelot: And that nuclear shell...

Colonel Volgin: Still feeling sore about that? What are you gonna do? Report it to the authorities?

The Boss: In 1960 I saw a vision of the ideal future from space. Three years earlier the Soviet Union had succeeded in launching Sputnik, the first manmade satellite in history, into orbit. This came as a huge shock to the United States. In response, America threw everything it had into its own manned space flight project, the Mercury project. Even as the Soviets seemed poised to send their first man into space America was still experimenting with chimpanzees in rockets. The government wanted human data. So they secretly decided to send a human being into space. I was the one they chose. At the time they didn't have the technology to block out cosmic rays and whoever they sent up would inevitably be exposed to heavy radiation. That's why they chose me. After all, I had already been irradiated once. Of course, you won't find any of this in the history books. I could see the planet as it appeared form space. That's when it finally hit me. Space exploration is nothing but another game in the power struggle between the US and USSR. Politics, economics, the arms race - they're all just arenas for meaningless competition. I'm sure you can see that. But the Earth itself has no boundaries. No East, No West, No Cold War. And the irony of it is, the United States and the Soviet Union are spending billions on their space programs and the missile race only to arrive at the same conclusion. In the 21st century everyone will be able to see that we are all just inhabitants of a little celestial body called Earth. A world without communism and capitalism... that is the world I wanted to see. But reality continued to betray me.

Major Zero: This is one for the history books, the world's first HALO jump.

Major Zero: Spread your wings and fly. God be with you!

The Boss: Life's end...

[drops the Davy Crockett]

The Boss: Isn't it beautiful? It's almost tragic. When life ends, it gives off a final lingering aroma. Light is but a farewell gift from the darkness to those on their way to die. I've been waiting, Snake, for a long time. Waiting for your birth, your growth, and the finality of today.

The Boss: Snake, you were an atomic test subject, weren't you? On Bikini Atoll. That's part of the reason I was drawn to you. You and I are alike. We're both slowly being eaten away by the karma of others. We'll never have the chance to die peacefully of old age. We have no tomorrow.

Ocelot: This bitch is wearing perfume!

Colonel Volgin: [to EVA] You dirty whore! I've had enough kisses from you!

The Pain: Let's get started!

The Pain: I am the Pain! I shall send you to a world of anguish beyond your imagination! Let's get started!

Ocelot: 12 shots... this time, I've got 12 shots.

The Fury: I am the Fury... The flames of my rage will incinerate you! I came back from space, and as I returned, I had one vision... the world set ablaze! And do you know what I saw? Fury! A great and terrible fury at being alive! Now you will feel the scorching heat of that horrible blackness!

The Fear: I... am the Fear... I shall fill you with fear as you have never experienced before! Come into my web...

The End: ...I beg of you, grant me the strength to take this... final prey... let me linger in this world just a little longer. I have already slept enough for one lifetime... enough for an eternity, you have my thanks. I have to thank you... for waking me, if you hadn't shown up, my sleep would have been eternal... do you hear me, Snake? I am The End, I am here to bring you to your ultimate fate. You will make a fine quarry for my final hunt.

The Fury: [after setting Snake on fire] Can you feel my *fury*?

Naked Snake: Real heroes are never made public.

Major Zero: Not in our line of work anyway.

Naked Snake: Home in time for dinner.

Major Zero: But if you fail you'll be eating breakfeast, lunch, and all the rest of your meals in the jungle.

Naked Snake: I'm glad I'm not as strange as the Major.

Para-Medic: The majors not strange...

Major Zero: [in background] My tea's gone! Who's drunk it? How am I supposed to have teatime without tea?

Para-Medic: Well, not that strange...

Major Zero: [in background] My scone's gone too!

Solid Snake: [on radio before starting Snake vs Monkey] I'll say this once and only once. I'm not taking out any more Metal Gears! Not rescuing any old men, or VIP. If it's a hot damsel in distress, I'll think about it.

Colonel Campbell: Well, it's not exactly a hot damsel, but it is a rescue mission.

Solid Snake: What are we rescuing?

Colonel Campbell: Apes.

Solid Snake: What?

Colonel Campbell: Monkeys.

Solid Snake: Again, what?

Sigint: Snake, why are you smoking a cigarette?

Naked Snake: It's a cigar.

Sigint: Cigar, cigarette, same thing.

Naked Snake: It's *not* the same thing!

Sigint: Snake, what's up? Why are you naked? I know there's a "NAKED" option under "UNIFORM" that lets you take off the upper part of your uniform. But without a shirt on, your camouflage sucks, and your stamina goes down faster. You don't get any advantages whatsoever.

Naked Snake: Sure there are.

Sigint: Like what?

Naked Snake: It feels good.

Sigint: ...Man, you do whatever you want.

Naked Snake: I will, thanks. Just one question, though.

Sigint: What?

Naked Snake: Is there a way to take off my pants?

Sigint: Say what?

Naked Snake: My pants, can I...

Sigint: Aw, hell no! This FOX unit is a nut fest!

Colonel Campbell: [after "accidentally" killing Ocelot] Snake, what have you done? You've changed history. You've created a Time Paradox!

The Sorrow: This world is one of sadness. Battle brings death. Death brings sorrow. The living may not hear them. Their voices may fall upon deaf ears. But make no mistake - the dead... are not silent.

EVA: [in reference to The Boss] Snake, the world will never know what she did. Future generations will revile her; in America as a dispicable traitor with no sense of honor, and the Soviet Union as a monster who unleashed a nuclear catastrophe. She will go down in official history as a war criminal.

The Boss: [hands Snake the Philosopher's Legacy, as she lays dying] Take this... keep it safe. It's our only hope.

[hands snake her Patriot machine gun]

Naked Snake: A Patriot? Why are you giving me this?

The Boss: Jack... or should I say Snake... you're a wonderful man. Kill me now. There's only room for one snake and one boss.

[last lines]

EVA: [voiceover] But I think she wanted you of all people to know the truth. She wanted to live on in your memory, not as a solider, but as a woman. But she was forbidden to tell you herself. And that's why she told me. Snake, history will ever know what she did. No one will ever learn the truth. Her story... her debriefing, will endure only in your heart. Everything she did, she did for her country. She sacrificed her life and honor for her native land. She was a real hero. She was a true patriot.

[if you call Sigint after a nightmare]

Sigint: Well, let me tell you about the absolute worst, most sickening nightmare I ever had. This one isn't for the kids. OK, so there's this huge pile of crap, right? It's shaped like a giant tank, and it's walking around on two legs, goin' on a rampage and stompin' on people and houses and stuff. And this giant turd is carrying the nastiest missiles you ever saw. Like whenever it launches one of its turd missiles... whatever it hits - people, trees, buildings - turns into shit. My hometown, my old school, my family, my girlfriend, old man John... Everything in that turd's path turned into shit.

Naked Snake: That's... pretty sick, man.

The Pain: [as the Boss throws Snake off the bridge] The new blood has been rejected!

Sigint: [regarding the Soviet camo] Looks like Soviet guards will hesitate to attack you from behind with this on.

Naked Snake: You mean it has advantages, other than being stylish?

Para-Medic: [On the radio] Snake, have you seen "007: From Russia with Love"?

Naked Snake: I don't like those movie. Real spies are nothing like James Bond. It's pure fantasy.

Para-Medic: Snake, I don't think the Major's going to like you saying that.

Naked Snake: And even though it's fiction. I can't help but comparing myself to Bond.

Major Zero: What exactly don't you like about James Bond? Is it the fantastic gadgets? The cars? The guns?

Naked Snake: Major...!

Major Zero: Snake, wouldn't you like to have a gun shaped like a pen?

Naked Snake: What good is a pen going to do me in the jungle? I'd look like a fool.

Major Zero: Then what about a snake-shaped gun? You could make it look like you're grappling with a giant snake and then get a shot in on the enemy while they're distracted.

Naked Snake: Ok, now you're being ridiculous.

Major Zero: 007 is the biggest thing to come out of England since the Mayflower. I wouldn't be surprised if they made 20 more of those movies.

Naked Snake: [as Granin is getting drunk] You're crocked, aren't you?

Director Granin: I am merely drowning my sorrow.

The Boss: Look at this scar. This is proof that I was once a mother. I gave up my body and my child for my country. There is nothing left inside me now. Nothing at all. No hatred, not even regret. And yet sometimes at night I can still feel the pain creeping up inside me. Slithering through my body, like a snake.

The Boss: One must die and one must live. No victory, no defeat. The survivor will carry on the fight. It is our destiny... The one who survives will inherit the title of Boss. And the one who inherits the title of Boss will face an existence of endless battle. I'll give you ten minutes. In ten minutes, MiGs will come and bomb the hell out of this place. If you can beat me in less than ten minutes, you'll be able to escape in time.

[loads her Patriot]

The Boss: Jack, let's make this the greatest ten minutes of our lives!

The Boss: It was November 1st, 1951. I was in the Nevada desert participating in atomic testing. The name "Nevada" is derived from Spanish... "covered in snow," "white as snow." And snow is exactly what I saw in the that Nevada desert. It froze my blood white.

Naked Snake: Boss, why are you doing this?

The Boss: Why? To make the world one again.

The Boss: You're a soldier! Finish your mission! Show your loyalty! Face me.

Sigint: [if you call Sigint while wearing a cardboard box] Uh,Snake... what are you doing?

Naked Snake: I'm in a box.

Sigint: A cardboard box? Why are you...?

Naked Snake: I dunno. I was just looking at it, and suddenly I got this irresistible urge to get inside. No not just an urge - more than that. It was my destiny to be here; in the box.

Sigint: Destiny...?

Naked Snake: Yeah. And then when I put it on, I suddenly got this feeling of inner peace. I can't put it into words. I feel... safe. Like this is where I was meant to be. Like I'd found the key to true happiness.

Sigint: ...

Naked Snake: Does any of that make sense?

Sigint: Not even a little.

Naked Snake: You should come inside the box... Then you'll know what I mean.

Sigint: Man. I don't wanna know what you mean! Between you and Para-Medic, is everyone but me that is hooked up with the Major strange?

Naked Snake: ...

Sigint: Yeah, well, anyway. I suppose even that dumbass box might make a decent disguise if you wear it inside a building.

Para-Medic: He's wearing the GA-KO suit.

Sigint: Why?

Para-Medic: Because it looks cute.

Sigint: Snake, talk some sense into her!

Naked Snake: What's wrong with being cute?

Major Zero: They're not cookies. They're scones.

Major Zero: The origins of afternoon tea go back to the Victorian Era. Anna Maria, the seventh Duchess of Bedford, was...

Naked Snake: EVA, I wanted to ask you about Ocelot...

EVA: Yeah, I know. He's pretty infatuated with you, isn't he?

Naked Snake: That's not what I meant.

Sigint: From the looks of it, it's fitted with a 100-round drum magazine... and it never runs out of ammo?

Naked Snake: Never.

Sigint: Why's that?

Naked Snake: Because the internal feed mechanism is shaped like an infinity symbol.

Sigint: Ah, I get it. Yep, that'll give you unlimited ammo.

Sigint: You see, Snake, people are just sacks of shit, and they're full of holes.

Naked Snake: EVA, about the contents of the backpack you got for me...

EVA: Is there something missing?

Naked Snake: Yeah, all of my food.

EVA: It wasn't me! All those snakes and crocodiles and suspicious-looking mushrooms... I wouldn't eat that stuff even if you paid me!

Naked Snake: So who was it?

EVA: It was Ocelot.

Naked Snake: Ocelot?

EVA: He said he wanted to eat the same things you did.

Naked Snake: Why would he do that?

EVA: You haven't figured it out?

Naked Snake: No.

EVA: You are dense.

Para-Medic: Yes, the Russian glowcap is a glowing mushroom, so it'll recharge your batteries when you eat it.

Sigint: Tell me the truth. Did you really get that from The Sorrow?

Naked Snake: Yeah.

Sigint: ...Hell, the major says he's been abducted by a UFO, so why not?

Para-Medic: I think it really does look good. It reminds me of "The Alligator People."

Naked Snake: Oh... the what?

Para-Medic: "The Alligator People." It's a science fiction movie. You've never heard of it?

Naked Snake: No.

Para-Medic: Oh... well you should see it sometime. It's about this guy who gets hurt in a car accident and tries to heal his wounds by injecting himself with a crocodile serum, but then his head turns into a crocodile head. You look just like him with that mask on. That's awesome.

Naked Snake: Right.

Ocelot: It doesn't feel right to kill an unarmed man... but I'll get over it.

The End: [during a long grueling sniper duel vs. Naked Snake] getting tired? This is truly the battle to end all battles!

The Fury: Behold the flames of fury, the fires in hell shall purge me clean!

Ocelot: [to Snake] I hate to disappoint the cobras, but you're mine now!

The Sorrow: You will be killed by your sons.

The End: [as Snake returns to Sokrovenno] Welcome back, Snake! I've been waiting for you...

[first lines]

Naked Snake: After the end of the World War II, the world was split into two - East and West. This marked the beginning of the era known as the Cold War.

Solid Snake: This is Snake. I've made it to the sneaking point.

Colonel Campbell: You're right on time, Snake.

Solid Snake: For being dragged out of the sack at two in the morning, I did my best.

Colonel Campbell: Rise and shine. Don't you love mornings!

Solid Snake: Colonel... nobody loves being dragged away from their vacation.

Colonel Campbell: I'm sorry but we needed you. Something big is going down... very big. That's why...

Solid Snake: Alright, so what is this important mission? I'll say it once and only once... I'm not taking out any Metal Gears.

Colonel Campbell: Don't worry.

Solid Snake: And no saving some VIP or old man.

Colonel Campbell: It's nothing like that.

Solid Snake: If it's a hot damsel in distress, I'll think about it.

Colonel Campbell: Well, it's not quite a... hot damsel in distress... but it is a rescue mission.

Solid Snake: Rescuing who?

Colonel Campbell: Apes.

Solid Snake: ...

Colonel Campbell: ...

Solid Snake: What?

Colonel Campbell: Monkeys! But not just any monkeys.

Solid Snake: You said monkeys?

Colonel Campbell: Just listen. Your mission is to infiltrate the jungle and capture all of the monkeys.

Solid Snake: Again, you said monkeys?

Colonel Campbell: Yes, monkeys.

Solid Snake: This isn't really my thing... If you want your monkeys, you better ask Spike or Jimmy.

Colonel Campbell: Unfortunately, they weren't available.

Solid Snake: What about me? I was on vacation!

Colonel Campbell: Snake, we need you. If you don't do this, who will?

Solid Snake: It's not like someone else couldn't handle a stealth mission.

Colonel Campbell: Don't say that. This is the genre we turned over every leaf in.

Solid Snake: Why don't you make Sam or Gabe do the job?

Colonel Campbell: Snake...

Solid Snake: Isn't this just some monkey catching action?

Colonel Campbell: Snake, I'm asking you. It's a request from the Professor himself.

Solid Snake: THE Professor...? Natalie's grandfather?

Solid Snake: That's the one.

Solid Snake: The one who came up with the monkey helmet?

Colonel Campbell: Well, that was the Professor's classmate.

Solid Snake: His classmate?

Colonel Campbell: From high school. Not only that, but the Professor is a friend of Otacon's.

Solid Snake: He's Otacon's friend, too?

Colonel Campbell: It's because of the Professor that Otacon has been able to come up with some of his inventions.

Solid Snake: ...Alright... what are the details?

Colonel Campbell: So you'll do it, great!

Solid Snake: I'm not against some "monkey catching." But I'd rather be collecting pants.

Colonel Campbell: Snake, the monkeys have fled into the jungle. When you find them, knock them out for capture.

Solid Snake: Right. I'm not going to be able to grab them when they are jumping all around the place.

Colonel Campbell: Right. When you've grabbed all of the monkeys, your mission is complete.

Solid Snake: Gotcha. Commencing Operation Ape Snake.

Colonel Campbell: Snake, when you capture a monkey, yell out the password. With the password, a warp device will activate.

Solid Snake: Understood.

Colonel Campbell: Good. I'm counting on you, Snake.

Frank West: It's Frank. Frank West. Remember that name 'cause the whole world's gonna know it in three days when I get the scoop.

Frank West: I've covered wars, ya know.

Frank West: It doesn't sound like civil disobedience. It's too quiet.

Carlito Keyes: Almost as if... everyone is already dead?

Jessica McCarney: I can't do that, it's against regulations!

Frank West: Yeah, uh, I don't think they had zombie infested malls in mind when they wrote those regulations, kid.

Carlito Keyes: This... is hell.

[Larry drags the wounded Carlito with a meathook into the slaughterhouse and after he hangs Carlito to the upper conveyer belt, Larry looks at Carlito as he is about to do something gruesome to Carlito. As he laughs, he noticed Frank who appeared at the scene]

Larry Chiang: Ah, a customer. Ah, hah, hah, hah, hah, hah, hah, hah...!

[as Larry continues to laugh]

Frank West: [pointing at Carlito who is hung to the upper conveyor belt] That guy, over there... I-I mean, uh... that meat... um...

Larry Chiang: Oh? This is good meat, eh? I just got it here. It fresh. Hah, hah, hah, hah...! You just wait right there, sir. In a moment, you can try the best ground meat you've ever tasted. Ah, hah, hah, hah, hah, hah...!

[Larry continues to laugh]

Frank West: Whoa... Ground? Wait a minute. Listen. I had something else in mind...

Larry Chiang: Zombies are no good! I can't serve my customers spoiled meat like that. I... have a reputation to uphold!

[Larry continues laughing as the camera shows a tattoo of a kanji on the back of his neck]

Larry Chiang: Trust me. I'm a butcher! I've got the best meat in town!

[Larry continues to laugh as he turns on the conveyer belt that Carlito is hung up to]

Carlito Keyes: [Carlito, dying, laughs at Frank] Hey... aren't zombies great?

[camera cues to a panning scene of hanging meat around the Processing Plant]

Carlito Keyes: I mean, all they do is eat, and eat, and eat. Growing in number... just like you red, white, and blue Americans.

[coughs]

Carlito Keyes: It's not over. Not yet...

Frank West: [shakes Carlito's shoulder and shouting] Speak! SPEAK DAMMIT! WHAT DO YOU MEAN "IT'S NOT OVER"?

Ed DeLuca: [Returning to mall at the end of the 72 hours] I doubt that guys lasted this long... but hey, a promise is a promise.

Adam MacIntyre: [laughing and juggling chainsaws] Everyone used to laugh at me... I used to be a walking punch-line!...

[tone changes to sad]

Adam MacIntyre: but not anymore

[Jack watches his scope from his sniper rifle as he aims at Frank while Roger and Thomas aim their sniper rifle at Frank]

Jack Hall: Looks like 72 yards... I can blow his head off clean from here. Can I take a shot, dad?

Roger Hall: Getting' a headshot from here's no big deal Jack.

[to Thomas]

Roger Hall: Think you can pull it off, Thomas?

Thomas Hall: But, Daddy, he ain't no zombie. He's just a man!

Roger Hall: Thomas! We're doin' this to survive. You know that.

Jack Hall: Using a firearm for self defense is our god-given right as Americans, Thomas.

Roger Hall: [ordering Thomas] C'mon Thomas, shoot. Shoot him.

Jack Hall: [slightly raising his voice] Shoot him, Thomas!

Roger Hall: I said shoot him! Shoot him Thomas. Now. What you waiting for?

[raising his voice]

Roger Hall: Do it!

[Thomas struggles as he could not refrain from not aiming at Frank and the Hall family gets ready to fire at Frank with their sniper rifles]

[Upon completing Overtime Mode]: [last lines]

[Upon completing Overtime Mode]: And yet he complained that his belly was not full.

Kent Swanson: How do you like them apples?

[Frank looks around for medicine in Seon's Food & Stuff grocery store and while searching, Frank heard the sound of a shopping cart moving around. Then, a canned good rolls behind Frank's foot and as Frank turns around, the grocery store manager Steven Chapman appeared with the cart of death attached with various sharp objects with Isabela inside the cart who is unconscious. The camera zooms into Steven's face]

Steven Chapman: [shouting like crazy] This is my stoooooorrreee!

[Steven slowly approaches Frank with his cart of death]

Steven Chapman: You came to vandalize "my store", huh?

[shouting like crazy]

Steven Chapman: Not on my waaaattttcchh!

Frank West: Someone's been hurt. I need medicine...

Steven Chapman: Hurt?

[grabs Isabela's hair]

Steven Chapman: That's just what THIS BITCH said when "she" came to vandalize my store! I don't take kindly to vandalism! I won't allow it! Listen to me, and listen good partner.

[shouting even louder like crazy]

Steven Chapman: I DON'T ALLOW VANDALISM IN MY STOOOOOOOOOOORE!

[Frank defeated Steven in a fight. Steven who is dying approaches Register 6 and while holding the Register as he is dying]

Steven Chapman: My store... My... store! Who will run my store when I'm gone... My store... My food... My sales... My... Customers... Have a nice day...

[Steven falls to the floor. As he is thought to have already died, the camera zooms into Steven's face]

Steven Chapman: [shouting] CLEAN UP... Register 6!

[Steven then drops dead]

Frank West: There's a helicopter coming... three days from now, it's my ride.

Brad Garrison: Is your ride reliable?

Frank West: Absolutely, its how I plan on getting out of here.

Brad Garrison: Alright, can we take Dr. Barnaby as well.

Frank West: Sure... As long as you tell me whats going on around here.

Ed DeLuca: [on helicopter] What the hells going on down there?

Frank West: I dunno... But one things for sure, it's not business as usual in this town...

Russell Barnaby: Instead we accidently made zombie livestock.

Ed DeLuca: There she is, Willamette, Colorado. Population 53,594. Distinguishing characteristics... Jack shit!

[Frank enters Crislip Home Saloon and as he witnessed a series of decapitated zombies hung to the ceiling and dripping blood to the floor]

Cliff Hudson: Name and rank, soldier!

[Cliff Hudson appeared at the scene drenched with splattered blood and holding a bloody machete]

Cliff Hudson: You can't tell me, can you, fella? Oh yeah... I know why... It's because you're Viet Cong! I'm right, aren't I? You are nothin' but a filthy communist!

[Cliff tries to strike Frank with a machete, but Frank dodges it and as he gets up and looks around, Cliff is nowhere to be seen]

Cliff Hudson: [voice can be heard] You son, are gonna to tell me where the guerilla's hideout is...

[as Frank continues to see no signs of Cliff although he can hear his voice]

Cliff Hudson: By the time I'm done beatin' information outta you, you are gonna be beggin' for death to come take you away!

[Cliff appeared before Frank and Frank quickly turns around as he faces Cliff who is ready to kill him]

Frank West: Zombies, huh? I had a feeling you'd show up...

Brock Mason: These automated machines are no use at all on the battlefield. Switch to manual control.

[as Frank and Isabella tries to drive away with their jeep, the tank rams the jeep, knocking it over to the side]

[during Ending B, the helicopter arrived as Frank rushes to get in]

Ed DeLuca: Hey Fred! I told you I'd come back for ya!

Frank West: It's Frank! Anyway, listen... We're gonna have more passenger than we agreed on. That's ok with you, right?

Ed DeLuca: Uh... Yeah...

[depending on if Jessica McCarney, Otis Washington, Brad Garrison or Russell Barnaby survived at the end of 72 Hour Mode, they will appear in the helicopter]

[sometimes says it during the fight against Paul]

Paul Carson: You "kaboom" now!

[Jo Slade stands aside Key Nelson who she tied to a chair]

Jo Slade: [saw Frank coming in] What have we here? Looks like you lured another man in here, you little whore.

Kay Nelson: [feared and uncomfortable] No... I didn't... I... Please help me.

Jo Slade: Let's see how worthless you are, you dirty little skank...

[takes out her nightstick]

Jo Slade: Say hello to my "little friend"!

Kay Nelson: [feared and intensely uncomfortable] No! Not again! Help me!

[Jo sexually harrasses her by rubbing her nightstick around Kay's body and as Kay started crying in fear and intense discomfort]

Frank West: Um, Officer?

[Jo ignores Frank as she continues sexually harrassing Kay]

Frank West: Officer? can I talk to you for a minute? I mean... Look. What did that woman do? This seems a little... extreme...

Jo Slade: [interrupts Frank] Shut your pie hole! If you try to interfere with official police business, I'll start with you before I get to her!

[Jo continues to harrass Kay with her nightstick as Kay continues being feared and intensely uncomfortable]

Jo Slade: Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Hah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

[Jo continues to laugh like crazy]

[Frank defeats Jo in a fight. Jo falls down to her knee in pain and her sunglasses came off of her head]

Jo Slade: [aching and dying] Oohhh... It hurts... Uhhhh... The pain... Uhhhh... Oooooh... I'm gonna die... Uhhh... Can't believe a worthless prick like you... did me in...

[suddenly, Jo starts her continuous painful disturbing-sounding moaning and eventually dies]

[in the gun store]

James Ramsey: Look, mister. If we're gonna fight these zombies, we need guns!

[Cletus Samson fires a warning shot to the ceiling with his shotgun]

Cletus Samson: Stay back!

[reloads his shotgun]

Cletus Samson: I trust them damn zombies about as far as I can throw'em, but I trust people even less!

[Frank and James slightly approaches slowly]

James Ramsey: Don't shoot! Look... L'Let's talk this over!

Cletus Samson: [interrupts James] You can talk to my "12-gauge"! Don't get no closer or I'll blow y'all to kingdom come!

Frank West: Hey, hang on.

[as James tries to approach Cletus, Cletus fires his shotgun at James, sending him flying out of the gun store and died instantly from the gunshot]

Cletus Samson: [reloads his shotgun] Now, goddammit, I warned you...

[aiming at Frank]

Cletus Samson: In a situation like this. I can't afford to trust nobody!

[sometimes says it during the fight against Cletus]

Cletus Samson: These are MY guns!

[Frank defeats Kent in a fight. Frank approaches Kent who is laying on the floor and as he is dying, Kent gives Frank his camera]

Kent Swanson: [wishing for last request] Do it, Frank... Take my picture... It'll look great on your mantle.

[Frank silently refuses his last wish and throws the camera to the floor as he watches Kent dying]

[Sean Keanan and his Yellow Raincoat cult members are planning their crazy religious sacrifice act with a woman tied-up]

Sean Keanan: [holds up his sword] Behold! The end of the world is upon us! Death itself has overflowed upon this world, defiling us all!

[Frank watches behind the cult members as he witnesses a woman screaming and tied-up]

Sean Keanan: The only path to the salvation of the soul is the purging of the tainted blood!

[the Yellow Raincoat members picks up the tied-up woman and places her inside a wooden box and closes the box with a wooden lid. As Sean was about to plunge the sword through the wooden box, he was suddenly distracted as he saw Frank who was about to take a photograph of the scene]

Sean Keanan: Ah. A nonbeliever in our midst!

[the Yellow Raincoat members glances at Frank]

Sean Keanan: If we are to achieve salvation, his blood must flow!

[points with sword at Frank]

Sean Keanan: He must be purged! Spill his blood! The blood of the heretic!

[the Yellow Raincoat members go after Frank]

[accidentally runs into Frank as Susan panics from searching her dog]

Lindsay Harris: Have you seen my baby? I can't leave without my precious little sweetie doggy! Oh, where is my Madonna? Where is she? Oh, oh!

[Frank tries to take a snapshot of Dr. Barnaby and Jessie forces Frank out of the electronic power room]

Frank West: [sarcastic] Fine. I'll just get my information from some place else, thank you very much!

[sometimes says it during the fight against Steven]

Steven Chapman: Get out of my store!

[sometime says it during the fight against Jo if she is to attack the captive female survivors]

Jo Slade: You're guilty!

G-Man: The right man in the wrong place can make all the difference in the world.

[first lines]

G-Man: Rise and shine, Mr. Freeman. Rise and shine. Not that I wish to imply you have been sleeping on the job. No-one is more deserving of a rest. And all the effort in the world would have gone to waste until... well, let's just say your hour has come again. The right man in the wrong place can make all the difference in the world. So, wake up, Mr. Freeman. Wake up and smell the ashes.

Alyx Vance: Dog, throw something bigger!

Dr. Wallace Breen: Well, Dr. Freeman, under other circumstances I like to think we might have been able to work together in an atmosphere of mutual trust and respect. Certainly, judging from your brief tenure at Black Mesa while I was its Administrator, you showed every promise of becoming a valuable and productive contributor to the scientific process. And yet... I'm not sure what spurred you to it... but there is really no place in this enterprise for a rogue physicist.

Dr. Wallace Breen: Your mentors are partly to blame, of course. My disappointment in Eli Vance and Isaac Kleiner is far greater than my sorrow over your unfortunate choice of career path. In a way, I suppose you could not have done otherwise. Who knows what seeds of iconoclasm they planted when you were young and gullible. But while they certainly share a great part of the responsibility for the recent troubles, it is you alone who have chosen to act with such willful disregard for humanity's future.

Dr. Wallace Breen: Dr. Freeman. You really shouldn't be out there. At the moment of synapse, as I teleport, this chamber will be bathed in deadly particles that have yet to be named by human science. Perhaps when I have the leisure to do the work myself, I'll name one after you. That way you won't be completely forgotten.

Dr. Wallace Breen: When the singularity collapses, I will be far away from here. In another universe, as a matter of fact. You, on the other hand, will be destroyed in every way it is possible to be destroyed-and even in some which are essentially impossible.

Dr. Judith Mossman: They can tunnel through from their universe, but once they're here they're dependent on local transportation. If they knew what we're doing with entanglement - Oh, listen to me, I sound like a post-doc.

Dr. Isaac Kleiner: Never fear, Gordon, she's de-beaked and completely harmless. The worst she might do is attempt to couple with your head. Fruitlessly!

Barney Calhoun: [after Gordon is congratulated for being a major help in an experiment] Great job, Gordon! Throwing that switch and all, I can see your MIT education really pays for itself.

[G-Man has just frozen time at the end of the game, finishes Alyx's phrase cut off in the process]

G-Man: Time, Dr. Freeman? Is it really that time again? It seems as if you only just arrived. You've done a great deal in a small time span. You've done so well, in fact, that I've received some interesting offers for your services.

[G-Man picks something off the frozen body of Alyx]

G-Man: Ordinarily, I wouldn't contemplate them... but these *are* extraordinary times.

[the world around Gordon fades away, into the familiar "Star Tram" from Half-Life 1]

G-Man: Rather than offer you the illusion of free choice, I will take the liberty of choosing for you... if and when your time comes round again. I do apologize for what must seem to you an arbitrary imposition, Dr. Freeman. I trust it will all make sense to you in the course of... well... I'm really not at liberty to say. In the meantime... this is where I get off.

[G-Man walks away from Gordon, adjusts his tie, and walks into a white opening]

Barney Calhoun: And if you see Dr. Breen, tell him I said: "F...

[profanity-masking crash]

Barney Calhoun: ...you!"

Alyx Vance: Man of few words, aren't you?

Dr. Isaac Kleiner: [the teleportation device malfunctions] What happened?

Barney Calhoun: It's your pet, the freakin' head-humper!

Dr. Isaac Kleiner: Well, Gordon, I see your HEV Suit still fits you like a glove. At least, the glove parts do.

Barney Calhoun: [after taking off Combine helmet] Now, about that beer I owed you. It's me Gordan! Barney, from Black Mesa!

Dr. Isaac Kleiner: We can't leave without Lamarr. She's around here somewhere

Alyx Vance: Come on Dr. Kleiner we can find you another pet headcrab.

Dr. Isaac Kleiner: There's only one Hedy!

Barney Calhoun: Hey Gordon, you dropped this back in Black Mesa

[throws crowbar]

Dr. Wallace Breen: Welcome. Welcome, to City 17. You have chosen, or been chosen, to relocate to one of our finest remaining urban centers. I thought so much of City 17, that I elected to establish my administration, here, in the citadel, so thoughtfully provided by our benefactors. I am proud to call City 17 my home. And so, whether you are here to stay, or passing through to parts unknown, welcome, to City 17. It's safer here.

Dr. Wallace Breen: Let me read a letter I recently received. 'Dear Dr. Breen. Why has the Combine seen fit to suppress our reproductive cycle? Sincerely, A Concerned Citizen.' Thank you for writing, Concerned. Of course your question touches on one of the basic biological impulses, with all its associated hopes and fears for the future of the species. I also detect some unspoken questions. Do our benefactors really know what's best for us? What gives them the right to make this kind of decision for mankind? Will they ever deactivate the suppression field and let us breed again? Allow me to address the anxieties underlying your concerns, rather than try to answer every possible question you might have left unvoiced. First, let us consider the fact that for the first time ever, as a species, immortality is in our reach. This simple fact has far-reaching implications. It requires radical rethinking and revision of our genetic imperatives. It also requires planning and forethought that run in direct opposition to our neural pre-sets. I find it helpful at times like these to remind myself that our true enemy is Instinct. Instinct was our mother when we were an infant species. Instinct cuddled us and kept us safe in those hardscrabble years when we hardened our sticks and cooked our first meals above a meager fire and started at the shadows that leapt upon the cavern's walls. But inseparable from Instinct is its dark twin, Superstition. Instinct is inextricably bound to unreasoning impulses, and today we clearly see its true nature. Instinct has just become aware of its irrelevance, and like a cornered beast, it will not go down without a bloody fight. Instinct would inflict a fatal injury on our species. Instinct creates its own oppressors, and bids us rise up against them. Instinct tells us that the unknown is a threat, rather than an opportunity. Instinct slyly and covertly compels us away from change and progress. Instinct, therefore, must be expunged. It must be fought tooth and nail, beginning with the basest of human urges: The urge to reproduce. We should thank our benefactors for giving us respite from this overpowering force. They have thrown a switch and exorcised our demons in a single stroke. They have given us the strength we never could have summoned to overcome this compulsion. They have given us purpose. They have turned our eyes toward the stars. Let me assure you that the suppressing field will be shut off on the day that we have mastered ourselves... the day we can prove we no longer need it. And that day of transformation, I have it on good authority, is close at hand.

Dr. Wallace Breen: We now have direct confirmation of a disruptor in our midst, one who has acquired an almost messianic reputation in the minds of certain citizens. His figure is synonymous with the darkest urges of instinct, ignorance and decay. Some of the worst excesses of the Black Mesa Incident have been laid directly at his feet. And yet unsophisticated minds continue to imbue him with romantic power, giving him such dangerous poetic labels as the One Free Man, the Opener of the Way. Let me remind all citizens of the dangers of magical thinking. We have scarcely begun to climb from the dark pit of our species' evolution. Let us not slide backward into oblivion, just as we have finally begun to see the light. If you see this so-called Free Man, report him. Civic deeds do not go unrewarded. And contrariwise, complicity with his cause will not go unpunished. Be wise. Be safe. Be aware.

Dr. Wallace Breen: I have been asked to say a few words to the transhuman arm of Sector Seventeen Overwatch, concerning recent successes in containing members of the resistance Science Team. Let me say up front that I regret having to temper my heartfelt congratulations with a strong measure of disappointment. But I wouldn't be doing my duty as your Administrator if I didn't pass along the message I have received from our Benefactors. The capture of Eli Vance is an event of major significance, make no mistake. And while it's true that conceivably we could have taken him at almost any time in the last several years, the manner of his capture may prove to have unexpected benefits. It cannot have gone unnoticed by all resistance members that Doctor Vance's capture coincided with the act of giving shelter to Gordon Freeman. This might cause other resistance members to think twice before harboring Doctor Freeman. It might cause them to question his allegiance; even prompt some to turn him out, or turn him over to our cause. However, we cannot count on such developments. Doctor Freeman's reputation is such that other desperate renegades are likely to grant him a great deal of license in the spirit of spreading general chaos and terror. This brings me to the one note of disappointment I must echo from our Benefactors. Obviously I am not on the ground to closely command or second-guess the dedicated forces of the Overwatch, but this does not mean I can shirk responsibility for recent lapses and even outright failures on their part. I have been severely questioned about these shortcomings, and now must put the question to you: How could one man have slipped through your force's fingers time and time again? How is it possible? This is not some agent provocateur or highly trained assassin we are discussing. Gordon Freeman is a theoretical physicist who had hardly earned the distinction of his Ph.D. at the time of the Black Mesa Incident. I have good reason to believe that in the intervening years, he was in a state that precluded further development of covert skills. The man you have consistently failed to slow, let alone capture, is by all standards simply that - an ordinary man. How can you have failed to apprehend him? Well... I will leave the upbraiding for another time, to the extent it proves necessary. Now is the moment to redeem yourselves. If the transhuman forces are to prove themselves an indispensable augmentation to the Combine Overwatch, they will have to earn the privilege. I'm sure I don't have to remind you that the alternative, if you can call it that, is total extinction - in union with all the other unworthy branches of the species. Let's not allow it to come to that. I have done my best to convince our Benefactors that you are the finest the species has to offer. So far they have accepted my argument, but without concrete evidence to back it up, my words sound increasingly hollow even to me. The burden of proof is on you. As is the consequence of failure. I'll just leave it at that.

Dr. Wallace Breen: It has come to my attention that some have lately called me a collaborator, as if such a term were shameful. I ask you, what greater endeavor exists than that of collaboration? In our current unparalleled enterprise, refusal to collaborate is simply a refusal to grow - an insistence on suicide, if you will. Did the lungfish refuse to breathe air? It did not. It crept forth boldly while its brethren remained in the blackest ocean abyss, with lidless eyes forever staring at the dark, ignorant and doomed despite their eternal vigilance. Would we model ourselves on the trilobite? Are all the accomplishments of humanity fated to be nothing more than a layer of broken plastic shards thinly strewn across a fossil bed, sandwiched between the Burgess shale and an eon's worth of mud? In order to be true to our nature, and our destiny, we must aspire to greater things. We have outgrown our cradle. It is futile to cry for mother's milk, when our true sustenance awaits us among the stars. And only the universal union that small minds call 'The Combine' can carry us there. Therefore I say, yes, I am a collaborator. We must all collaborate, willingly, eagerly, if we expect to reap the benefits of unification. And reap we shall.

Dr. Wallace Breen: I'd like to take a moment to address you directly, Dr. Freeman. Yes. I'm talking to you, the so-called One Free Man. I have a question for you. How could you have thrown it all away? It staggers the mind. A man of science, with the ability to sway reactionary and fearful minds toward the truth, choosing instead to embark on a path of ignorance and decay. Make no mistake, Dr. Freeman. This is not a scientific revolution you have sparked... this is death and finality. You have plunged humanity into freefall. Even if you offered your surrender now, I cannot guarantee that our benefactors would accept it. At the moment, I fear they have begun to look upon even me with suspicion. So much for serving as humanity's representative. Help me win back their trust, Dr. Freeman. Surrender while you still can. Help ensure that humanity's trust in you is not misguided. Do what is right, Dr. Freeman. Serve mankind.

Citizens: [Over the Resistance radio channel] I repeat, Gordon Freeman has returned! It is essential he gets to Black Mesa East!

Alyx Vance: What cat?

Citizens: [Watching Combine] This is how it always starts. First the street, then the whole block.

Citizens: They have no reason to come to our place.

Citizens: Don't worry, they'll find one.

Dr. Gregory House: Trouble in paradise. 2 o'clock.

Dr. Wilson: Wait, your 2 o'clock or my 2 o'clock?

Dr. Gregory House: Over there!

[repeated line]

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [to House] You need a lawyer.

[repeated line]

Dr. Gregory House: Everybody lies.

[repeated line]

Dr. Gregory House: We're missing something.

[to Cuddy]

Dr. Gregory House: Relax, I have just the thing to cheer you up... we're being sued!

Dr. Wilson: Maybe it's Auto Immune...

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Maybe it's Auto Immune...

Dr. Eric Foreman: Maybe it's Auto Immune...

Dr. Allison Cameron: Maybe it's Auto Immune...

Dr. Robert Chase: Maybe it's Auto Immune...

Dr. Lawrence Kutner: Maybe it's Auto Immune...

Thirteen: Maybe it's Auto Immune...

Dr. Chris Taub: Maybe it's Auto Immune...

Dr. Jeffrey 'Big Love' Cole: Maybe it's Auto Immune...

Dr. Gregory House: If someone says Auto Immune, you're fired!

Dr. Gregory House: Technology is overrated.

Mohinder: Where does it come from? This quest, this need to solve life's mysteries when the simplest of questions can never be answered. Why are we here? What is the soul? Why do we dream? Perhaps we'd be better off not looking at all. Not delving, not yearning. That's not human nature. Not the human heart. That is not why we are here.

Mohinder: Man is a narcissistic species by nature. We have colonized the four corners of our tiny planet. But we are not the pinnacle of so-called evolution. That honor belongs to the lowly cockroach. Capable of living for months without food. Remaining alive headless for weeks at a time. Resistant to radiation. If God has indeed created Himself in His own image, then I submit to you that God is a cockroach.

[Translated from Japanese.]

Hiro: My clock. I made it go back one second using only my mind, my thoughts.

Ando: Too bad you're not paid by the hour.

[Translated from Japanese.]

Hiro: I have discovered powers beyond any mere mortal.

Ando: Right. You and Spock.

Hiro: Yes. Like Spock. Exactly.

[Hiro's boss suddenly grabs him by the neck and drags him back to his desk.]

Ando: Use your death grip, Spock! The death grip!

Hiro: You don't understand, I want to be special.

Ando: We are not special. We are Japanese!

[Peter encounters Mohinder, who is driving a cab.]

Mohinder: Some individuals, it is true, are more special. This is natural selection. It begins as a single individual born or hatched like every other member of their species. Anonymous. Seemingly ordinary. Except they're not. They carry inside them the genetic code that will take their species to the next evolutionary rung. It's destiny.

[Translated from Japanese.]

Ando: Fine. I'll humor you. Let's say you really do have this power. What do you do with it? Join the circus? No one ever got laid by stopping the second hand of a clock.

Hiro: As I develop my powers, I'll learn to bend space, too. Then I can teleport myself anywhere on the planet.

Ando: Like Star Trek.

Hiro: Every hero must learn his purpose. Then he'll be tested and called to greatness.

Ando: I think I need a stiff drink! "Beam us up, Scotty".

[Translated from Japanese.]

Ando: Tell me one useful thing you could do with this power. Can you make money?

Hiro: A super hero doesn't use his power for personal gain.

Ando: Then what good is it? Can you teleport yourself into the women's bathroom? Now, there's something useful. You won't learn your "purpose" in there, but you might learn something about life.

[Translated from Japanese.]

Hiro: (cheerfully) I did it! I teleported in to the women's bathroom!

Ando: Then you're a pervert!

Peter: It happened two more times. Look, sometimes I'm falling, sometimes I'm flying - sometimes you're in them!

Nathan: I don't have time for this now.

Peter: They're not just dreams, Nathan.

Nathan: Hold this.

Peter: I thought they'd go away, but they're not!

Nathan: Jim, I need this back by six, please. Thanks.

Peter: This morning, when I got out of bed, my foot hovered before it hit the ground - hovered!

Nathan: [to assistant]: Let me see the list

Peter: For a split second, like I was - like I was floating! I'm telling you, I-I think I can fly!

Nathan:[hands clipboard to assistant]: These all undecideds?:[to Peter]:Tell you what, you think you can fly? Why don't you jump off the Brooklyn Bridge, see what happens.

Peter: Maybe, I ought to start with something a little lower, first, just like learning to walk.

Nathan: You're serious?

Peter: Oh, I'm serious.

Peter: You didn't hear anything that I said earlier today, did you?

Nathan: About that bit how you can fly. Yeah I did. I'm gonna pretend for both our sakes you didn't say anything like that.

Sandra: So, what about you, Claire? Do anything special today?

Claire: I walked through fire and I didn't get burned.

Mohinder: This quest. This need to solve life's mysteries. In the end, what does it matter when the human heart can only find meaning in the smallest of moments? They're here. Among us. In the shadows. In the light. Everywhere. Do they even know yet?

Peter: I've been up here all night. Thinking about this. Thinking about my destiny.

Nathan: What you doing, Pete?

Peter: It's my turn to be somebody now, Nathan!

Nathan: Come on, Peter. Quit screwing around

Nathan:[has just flown up and caught his brother in mid-air]: Peter!

Peter:[shocked]: You're flying Nathan! You're flying! How did you...

Nathan: I don't know.:[Peter slips from his grasp and falls]: No! No!

Don't Look Back [1.02]

[Opening voiceover.]

Mohinder: We all imagine ourselves the agents of our destiny, capable of determining our own fate. But have we truly any choice in when we rise? Or when we fall? Or does a force larger than ourselves bid us our direction? Is it evolution that takes us by the hand? Does science point our way? Or is it God who intervenes, keeping us safe?

Peter: What happened?

Nathan: You don't remember?

Peter: No.

Nathan:You jumped, Pete.

Peter: Jumped?

Nathan: Off the roof of a fifteen story building. You tried to kill were a little wound up yesterday, but I thought you were just you being you.

Peter: What are you talking about? I didn't try to kill myself. You were in the alley below. I jumped, and you... you flew.

Nathan: I what?

Peter: You flew up and you caught me.

Nathan: You jumped, Peter, twenty five feet to a fire escape. I climbed up and carried you down. That's what happened. The rest is just crazy talk. You understand?

Detective Furukawa: He says he teleported himself here.

Other Detective: Teleported? What the hell is that?

Hiro: Like Star Trek.

Detective Furukawa: He says he can bend the time/space continuum.

Other Detective: Funny, I've seen all the Star Treks. I don't remember you from the show.

Peter:[standing on the roof, preparing to jump]: Tell me what happened, Nathan. When I me you flew. I wanna hear you say that you flew. Tell me or I jump again.

[Nathan says nothing]

Peter: Good luck on your campaign when I'm splattered all over the ground below.

Nathan: All right. You want the truth?

Peter: Yeah.

Nathan: We both flew, Pete. I caught you and I lost control. You were too heavy. We both started falling to the ground and just before we... just before we hit, you flew. You.

Peter:[incredulous]: Are you lying to me?

'[Nathan shakes his head]

Peter: You are.

[moves towards Nathan]

Peter: You're tryin' telling me what you think I wanna hear. You're lying to me, again!

[Nathan points at Peter's feet. Peter looks down to see himself hovering. Shocked, he drops back onto the rooftop]

Peter: Did you see that? Did you see that? That- I flew!

Nathan: I know, I know.

[Closing voiceover.]

Mohinder: For all his bluster, it is the sad province of man that he cannot choose his triumph. He can only choose how he will stand when the call of destiny comes, hoping he will have the courage to answer.

One Giant Leap [1.03]

[Opening voiceover.]

Mohinder: When evolution selects its agents, it does so at a cost, makes demands in exchange for singularity and you may be asked to do something against your very nature. Suddenly the change in your life that should have been wonderful comes as a betrayal. It may seem cruel, but the goal is nothing short of self-preservation, survival.

Peter: Listen, I-I tried it again

Nathan: Tried what?

Peter: What do you mean what? What do you think that I mean? I-I tried to fly.

Nathan: Would you keep your voice down?

Peter: You were there. Last night I could fly. This morning, nothing. I nearly broke my neck trying.

Nathan: Well, that would have solved one of our problems.

Ando: I'm confused. You said you called me when you went in the future.

Hiro: Yeah. So?

Ando: So, shouldn't I be at home waiting for your call?

Hiro: We're changing the future. By taking action, we've changed something.

Ando: What if we make it worse? And if there's going to be a nuclear explosion, shouldn't we be flying away from the bomb?

Hiro: A hero doesn't run away from his destiny. My only concern is whether I need to hide my true identity. Perhaps a costume?

Ando: You even mention tights and a cape, I'm going home.

Eden: Well, this is macaroni and cheese. It's what Americans eat when they want to commit suicide slowly.

Ando: Who are you calling?

Hiro: The comic book author. To warn him about the future. He keeps hanging up on me.

Ando: That's because you're crazy. I'd hang up on you too, if I could.

Isaac: I don't want to lose you, Simone. But if you don't believe in me, then you shouldn't be here.

Simone: Fine. You can paint the future. Paint one without me in it.

[Closing voiceover.]

Mohinder: This force, evolution, is not sentimental. Like the earth itself, it knows only the hard facts of life's struggle with death. All you can do is hope and trust that when you have served its needs faithfully, there may still remain some glimmer of the life you once knew.

Collision [1.04]

[Opening voiceover.]

Mohinder: Sometimes questions are more powerful than answers. How is this happening? What are they? Why them and not others? Why now? What does it all mean?

Claire: Look, you can't say anything. I'm fine. He was drunk and it was an accident.

Zach: Which part was an accident? The rape or the murder?

Claire: It didn't happen.

Zach: Yeah, because he killed you before he had the chance.

Claire: I'm alive!

Zach: Yeah, now, but you weren't on the autopsy table.

Claire: Shhh!

Zach: Look, you said you had a hole in your head. Okay, maybe when - maybe when they pulled whatever was in there, its when you like, rebooted or whatever.

Claire: I'm not a hard drive.

Zach: No, you're little Miss Miracle Gro.

Claire: Don't ever call me that again.

Nathan: Don't insult me. I have trained professionals to do that.

Nathan: You have any kids?

Nikki: That's another question

Nathan: Right

Nikki: One. Boy Genius.

Nathan: Boy?

Nikki: Boy

Nathan: I've got two boys. Not geniuses, just boys.

Hiros [1.05]

[Opening voiceover.]

Mohinder: When a change comes, some species feel the urge to migrate, they call it zugunruhe. "A pull of the soul to a far off place," following a scent in the wind, a star in the sky. The ancient message comes calling the kindred to take flight and gather together. Only then they can hope to survive the cruel season to come.

Nathan: Two million dollars makes me a candidate in your pocket. Four million makes me a congressman.

Future Hiro: Save the cheerleader, save the world!

Nathan: All right, I get it. A guy in his pajamas. Ha ha. Now we can all stare and have a good laugh, or one of you can lend me your cell phone.

Better Halves [1.06]

Mohinder: [voiceover] Evolution is imperfect and often a violent process. A battle between what exists and what is yet to be born. Amidst these birth pains, morality loses its meaning, the question of good and evil reduced to one simple choice: survive or perish.

Ando: You came from the future and told them to save the cheerleader. Oh, and you had a sword.

Hiro: I had a sword?

Ando: Every hero is on a journey to find his place in the world. But it's a journey. You don't start at the end, otherwise they can't make a movie about it later.

Nothing To Hide [1.07]

Peter: [to Nathan] Hey, you know what? I'm just gonna fly off the terrace yeah? No? Hey, I can fly. Nathan so can you. Tell you what. Why don't you just race around the Statue of Liberty real quick. Huh? Give this tweedy cat something to write about.

Ted Sprague: Do you have any idea as to what would happen, Cause I don't. Maybe I'll explode. Maybe I'll take out this hospital. Maybe I'll wipe out the city like an atomic bomb!

Mohinder: [voiceover] You do not choose your destiny, it chooses you. And those that knew you before Fate took you by the hand cannot understand the depth of the changes inside. They cannot fathom how much you stand to lose in failure...that you are the instrument of flawless Design. And all of life may hang in the balance. The hero learns quickly who can comprehend and who merely stands in your way.

Lyle: Are you aliens?!

Zach: Yeah, and we're gonna anal-probe you...

Lyle: I'm gonna put this on YouTube and make like, a million dollars!

Zach: YouTube's free, you idiot!

Nathan:'[to Peter] I'm trying to make a difference, Peter, the best way I know how. Flying around... how is that going to help anybody. What is it- What am I- What am I going to do when I get there? I don't have a gun. I don't have a badge. I don't know karate. I guess I could put on a costume and fly around and pull cats out of trees. How's that going to make a difference?

Seven Minutes To Midnight [1.08]

Mohinder: [voiceover] The Earth is large. Large enough that you think you can hide from anything. From Fate. From God. If only you found a place far enough away. So you run. To the edge of the Earth. Where all is safe again. Quiet, and warm. The solace of salt air. The peace of danger left behind. The luxury of grief. And maybe, for a moment, you believe you have escaped.

Mohinder: [voiceover] You can run far, you can take your small precautions. But have you really gotten away? Can you ever escape? Or is it the truth that you did not have the strength or cunning to hide from destiny? That the world is not small. you are. And, fate can find you anywhere.

Homecoming [1.09]

Mohinder: [voiceover] We are, if anything, creatures of habit. Drawn to the safety and the comfort of the familiar. But what happens when the familiar becomes unsafe? When the fear that we've been desperately trying to avoid, finds us where we live?

Zach: I know who I am. I like who I am. And I like who you are. I just wish you liked who you are.

D.L.: It's going to be you and me from here on out. Partners.

Micah: You mean like Batman and Robin?

D.L.: Yeah, like Batman and Robin. Only, I ain't wearing no tights. You can wear tights, I ain't wearing no tights.

Mohinder: [voiceover] We are all at our cores the sum of our fears. To face destiny we must, inevitably, face those fears, and conquer them. Whether they come from the familiar or the unknown.

Six Months Ago [1.10]

[Sylar confronts Brian Davis.]

Sylar: You're broken. I can fix you.

Fallout [1.11]

[At the Union Wells High crime scene, Agt. Audrey Hanson is skeptical of Sgt. Matt Parkman's marital fidelity.]

Audrey: Well, statistically speaking, law enforcement attracts a certain kind of male personality.

Matt: Ohhh. What personality would that be?

Audrey: Dogs.

Matt: And the female personality?

Audrey: Bitches. We keep it in the canine family.

Claire: You're totally my hero.

[Hiro gets a well-timed cellphone call from Isaac.]

Ando: Who is it?

Hiro: Destiny!

Ando: I wish Destiny would lose our number.

[Peter and Nathan are walking out of the police station. Peter tries to discuss others' powers with Nathan.]

Peter: ... I-I think he was trying to read my mind. They were all like us!

Nathan: Dysfunctional?

[Alone at home, Claire is suddenly grabbed by the Haitian.]

The Haitian: I work for your father. He sent me here to make you forget; like he sent me to your friend, and your brother, and to your mother, so many times. He'll be here soon, expecting that you won't remember anything. But it is very important that you do. Tell me, Claire, can you keep a secret?

Ando: [to Hiro] Future you doesn't count as you.

Godsend [1.12]

Mohinder: [voiceover] In the beginning there was discovery. A confusion of elements. The first snowfall of impossible change. Old lives undone, left behind. Strange faces, made familiar. New nightmares, to challenge sleep. New friends, to feel safe with. Only then comes control. The need to impose order unto chaos, through determination, through study, through struggle. All in defiance of a thundering truth. They're here, and the earth shudders underfoot.

Policeman: If you didn't have a record showing you were in India when some of these people were killed you and I would be having a very different conversation.

Mohinder: How fortunate for me then.

Matt: We didn't look everywhere. Maybe-maybe there's a secret room somewhere. 'Kay Maybe-

Superior: and maybe I can whistle the Star-Spangled Banner out of my ass.

Niki: Death penalty?

Lawyer: Look I know it's a long shot but it might help if you co-operated a little.

Niki: How am I supposed to do that?

Jessica: He's right Niki we should tell him...

Niki: Stop It!...Don't pay any attention to her.

Lawyer: Pay attention to who?

Jessica: God, who am I gonna have to screw to get out of here-?

Niki: I said stop it!

Lawyer: What is this?

Jessica: What's it look like dipstick?

Lawyer: Wait you're going psych on me?

Jessica: If that's what it takes.

Hiro: [pausing infront of a guard and talking slowly] ...Which way to gift store? [Guard points] Thank you!

...

Hiro: [in Japanese] It's one antique, if I don't get it this whole museum will explode anyway. It's a good deal for them.

Hiro: Mr. Isaac bad news, sword not there. Original owned by a man named Linderman.

Nathan: [coming out from behind a painting] Did he say Linderman?!

Hiro: [after spotting Nathan] Flying Man!

[Nathan and Hiro are at Isaac's apartment's window.]

Hiro: The bomb, it come from the street, destroys everything, everything turn into dust, poof!

Nathan: Your English is a lot better.

Hiro: I met a waitress in Texas.

Nathan: Hmm?

Hiro: She teach me many things.

Nathan: Good for you.

Hiro: [in broken English] You will help too!

Nathan: Me? What makes you so sure?

Hiro: You're flying man! Woooooosh!

Nathan: Shh! Will you keep it down?

Hiro: [quietly] Whoooosh.

Hiro: Dunno probably bad guy.

Nathan: Bad guy?

Hiro: Yes. Like billain.

Nathan: What's that..?

Hiro: ..Billain.

Nathan: Billian?

Hiro: Billain.

Nathan: Villain.

Hiro: Vi-

Nathan: Vi-

Hiro: Viiyun

{The Japanese language has no "V" sound}

Hiro: I'm just like Mr. Issac draw me, except my face not so round.

Niki: Oh God, please help me.

Jessica: Who needs God when you've got me?

The Fix [1.13]

[Opening voiceover.]

Mohinder: When we embrace what lies within, our potential knows no limit. The future is filled with promise. The present, rife with expectation. But when we deny our instinct, and struggle against our deepest urges... Uncertainty begins. Where does this path lead? When will the changes end? Is this transformation a gift... or a curse? And for those that fear what lies ahead... The most important question of all... Can we really change what we are?

Hiro: I am very special, I offer myself in trade! Release unspecial Ando!

Hiro: You cannot bribe a hero. My heart is true. My spirit unbreakable.

Hank: I did everything I could. He's dead.

Mr. Bennet: Well, that's less than ideal.

Claude: Nurse who's an empath, very cute.

Peter: What's an empath?

Claude: Means you're a pain in my ass, mate.

Distractions [1.14]

Mr. Bennet: It means that an old friend isn't quite as dead as we thought he was.

Peter : The people I love are not distractions!

Run! [1.15]

Mohinder: [voiceover] To survive in this world, we hold close to us those on whom we depend. We trust in them our hopes, our fears... But what happens when trust is lost? Where do we run, when things we believe in vanish before our eyes? When all seems lost, the future unknowable, our very existence in peril... All we can do is run.

Mohinder: (rings doorbell) Hello? Zane Taylor?

Sylar: Yes. You must be Dr. Suresh. Come on in. Can I get you some tea?

Mohinder: Sorry it took me so long to get here.

Sylar: No, it's no problem. Is Earl Grey okay?

Mohinder: Yes, that'll be fine. (Sylar moves to other room and begins to make tea.) You um, sounded rather alarmed on the phone. You semeed to have calmed down some.

Sylar: I had a kind of epiphany about it this morning. Are you familiar with Abraham Maslow, the peak experience?

Mohinder: No, I'm afraid not.

Sylar: It's, um.. a single moment that takes you out of yourself. Makes you feel very tiny, or very some extent one with life, or nature, or god.

Mohinder: ...I see.

Sylar: Like seeing all the pieces of a puzzle fit together. All this time I was trying to fight it. Deny it. But there is no shame in having this ability, is there?

Mohinder: None whatsoever. It would be like denying you have brown eyes.

Sylar: Right. So um, I guess that you- you want to see my ability.

Mohinder: Yes! I mean, I'm quite anxious to document it.

Sylar: (pulls out toaster.) You might want to step back, that looks like a nice jacket. (He places his hand over the appliance and melts the toaster)

Mohinder: My god.

Sylar: You want to see it again?

Mohinder: (chuckles and smiles nervously)

Mohinder: I'm very interested in how you control this ability.

Sylar: Well it's like... riding a bike for the first time. It's a little wobbly, and then I discovered something. A kind of peace. A sense of purpose that can only be described as destiny.

Mohinder: I'd like to take a DNA sample.

Sylar: From me, okay. Uh, sure.

Mohinder: (takes out a cotton swab and hands it to Sylar) Just swab it on the inside of your mouth. (tea starts whistling.)

Sylar: The tea. If you'll excuse me for a second?

Mohinder: Of course. (Sylar walks to the other room, where Zane Taylor is on the floor.)

Sylar: I just swab it on the inside of my cheek?

Mohinder: Yes, that's right. (Sylar swabs Zane's cheek as Mohinder walks toward the room they're in.)

Sylar: Here you go. The DNA sample. (hands Mohinder the swab.)

Mohinder: Thank you. You know.. you should be careful who you talk to about this ability, Zane. There's some people who might not undestand. Who might want to hurt you.

Sylar: Why would anybody want to hurt me?

Mohinder: I don't know yet. But I do know this, there are others out there like you.

Sylar: Really? How many others?

Mohinder: Dozens. And those are just the ones I know about. With more time and research I could find hundreds, thousands! But, uh... you're the first one who's returned my phone calls. But I am going to find them. All of them.

Sylar: I could go with you. I could help you. Think about it, these people could need convincing. Who better to do that?

Unexpected [1.16]

Claude: Charles Darwin bred pigeons while he was working out his theory of evolution. Married up various permutations to get maximum potential.

Peter: What'd he mean by that? Maximum potential?

Claude: I think he meant you, friend.

Sylar: Uh, before we go in, I just wanted to say thanks.

Mohinder: For what?

Sylar: Well, you know, for bringing me with you. You didn't have to do that.

Mohinder: It would have been a long road alone. I'm glad for the company.

Sylar: I believe in fate, Mohinder, and karma. And I'm not just saying that 'cause you're Indian. I mean, you really came to my rescue. And I won't forget that.

Dale: Funny, I didn't hear your footsteps.

Sylar: That's because there weren't any.

Dale: That sound, in your heart. What is it?

Sylar: [smiling] Murder.

[While hitting peter with a large stick]

Claude: Fly, [Hits him] stop time, [Hits him] paint me a pretty picture, [Hits him] do [Hits him] something [Hits him] unexpected!

[Peter uses telekinesis to hold the stick in mid-air]

[As Peter throws Claude over his shoulder]

Claude: What are you doing?

Peter: Something unexpected.

[Jumps off of the roof of the Deveaux Building and flies away]

Claude: And when you've left New York a smoking crater we'll put that on your tombstone. "Here lies Peter Petrelli. [lashes out with his stick] He tried!

Company Man [1.17]

Ted: I'm not gonna nuke the dog!

Ted: No, that was Plan A. Plan B is much better!

Matt: There is no Plan B!

Mr. Bennet: I'm not who you think I am, I'm just a paper salesman.

Mr. Bennet: I'm comfortable with morally gray.

Mr. Bennet: People are fragile. Like teacups.

Mr. Bennet: I don't know what to do.

Thompson: Is that a new sensation for you Bennet?

Claire: You want me to play dead? I'm sorry, I'm not Mr. Muggles.

Mr. Bennet: Claire is not one of you.

Claude: Not yet, but one day maybe, and don't tell me you haven't thought about it.

Mr. Bennet: She isn't, I'll take her, it's done.

Claude: Oh just like that, father of the year you are.

Ted: [to Mr. Bennet] If you're not back in an hour, just look for the mushroom cloud.

Claire: I don't know what I am. I don't know if God made me this way or someone else.

Ted: God didn't make us this way.

Sandra: God makes us all the way we are.

Matt: This son of a bitch is thinking in Japanese!

Parasite [1.18]

Noah: My daughter is missing, so right now I don't care if you believe me or what you do to me. I just want her home, safe. You can kill me if you want, I'm gonna find her!

Claire: When can I go back to my family?

Haitian: Shall I lie to you and say it will be soon? You know who we run from.

Sylar: So this is the list?

Mohinder: Yes, what's left of it. Most of these people are missing or dead. I'm going to run your DNA sample against my father's formula. It will take you someplace safe.

Sylar: This is your father's formula? This is how he made this, this is how he found me.

Mohinder: Yes, although I haven't figured out what it is looking for. A specific gene? Codons? It's the proverbial needle.

Sylar: Did my DNA help?

Mohinder: No.

Sylar: Okay, well, Mohinder, you've been driving all night, why don't you just take a break?

Mohinder: I can't! These people are in danger. We have to warn them. If Sylar gets to them first-

Sylar: Exactly! So let me help. I mean, here. This one is in New York - Isaac Mendez. I'll call him, and you just relax. Just take a minute.

Mohinder: You're very kind. Thank you.

Sylar: ...You have no idea how alone I used to feel. How insignificant. You've given me hope.

Mohinder: Hope is great, we need caffeine.

Sylar: So this formula, if you figure it out, how many of us will you find?

Mohinder: Who knows? Hundreds, thousands, maybe more.

Sylar: (dials Isaac's number, receives busy signal.) It's busy. I'll get him later. (Mohinder hands Sylar a cup of tea, Sylar raises his glass.) To new friends. (They clink teacups in toast; only Sylar sips the drink.) This is good, what is it?

Mohinder: Chai. It's a special blend my father brought from India.

Sylar: Who're we going to call next?

Mohinder: No one. (Stands, faces Sylar) I already have you, Mr. Sylar.

(Sylar drops the glass and passes out.)

The Haitian:[to Claire] I do not need you happy, only safe.

Sylar: I can't feel my fingers.

Mohinder: It's the curare. It induces paralysis of the brain. Which means you can't control your abilities.

Sylar: Whoever you think I am, I'm not.

Mohinder: You are the man who murdered my father. Do you still expect me to believe you're Zane Taylor? Zane was killed three days ago. The same day I met you. And you thought you were so clever giving me his DNA. You're a parasite. You killed my father and fed off his work. (taps a tuning fork against the chair and holds it up to Sylar's ear.) Let me hear you say it, tell me your name. Say it. I want to hear you say it!

Sylar: (in pain) Sylar!

Mohinder: There's only one thing to do with a parasite. Kill it before it kills again.

Sylar: You're just like your father, murderers, the both of you.

Mohinder: I'm a scientist.

Sylar: (laughs.) Your father said that but he kept leading me to them.

Mohinder: He had no idea what you were.

Sylar: He knew. He might not have admitted it, but after all, we were making so much progress together. Why would he stop?

Mohinder: (Mohinder brings out a gun and points it at Sylar.) You know nothing about my father!

Sylar: I know everything. He confided in me. He told me things he felt he could never tell you. Things about your sister, Shanti. He thought you were too... what's the word - fragile - to know the truth. That's why he liked me. (Mohinder presses the gun against Sylar's forehead.) You were always seeking his approval while I provided stimulation. He gave up on you, but he adored me. Now who's the real parasite here?! (Mohinder's hand falls to his side.)

Mohinder: You're right. My father did want answers. He called you 'Patient Zero'. You're the template he used to create this formula. You're the key to unlocking his secret. As much as I'd like to, killing you will not give me what I need.

Sylar: So what are you gonna do?

Mohinder: I'm going to take a sample of your spinal fluid. (leans down and whispers in his ear.) And it's going to hurt. You might actually do some good before you die. (Mohinder inserts needle into Sylar's spine; Sylar screams.)

Linderman: There comes a time when a man has to ask himself whether he wants a life of happiness or a life of meaning.

Nathan: I'd like to have both.

Linderman: Can't be done. Two very different paths. To be truly happy, a man must live absolutely in the present, no thought of what's gone before and no thought of what lies ahead. But a life with meaning, a man is condemned to wallow in the past and obsess about the future.

Mohinder: I finally found it. That's it, these four simple genes, they answer everything. I can make a new list. I can find them, save them.

Sylar: And what about me? Don't I deserve to be saved? Aren't I just a victim, too? I didn't ask for this.

Mohinder: And what would you have me do?

Sylar: Help find a way. Give me salvation. Give me that damn list so I can sink my teeth in! (Mohinder walks over to him.) I'm a natural progression of the species. Evolution is a part of nature, and nature kills. Simple, right?

Mohinder: What you've done is not evolution, it's murder. (holds gun up and points it at Sylar.) What I am doing is revenge. Now I can fulfill my duty as a son. (Sylar closes his eyes, and a gunshot is heard. The bullet is stopped before Sylar's face, then drops to the floor.)

Sylar: I wasn't begging for my life. I was offering you yours. (Sylar's constraints rip off, and he stands.) You are your father's son. So determined you didn't even notice I stopped the IV. But don't worry, you might actually do some good before you die. Starting with that list.

(knock on door)

Peter: Suresh? (pause as he opens door, walks inside.) Suresh? It's Peter Petrelli. Mohinder? (Peter looks around as something drops on his head.)

Mohinder: (pinned against ceiling) Sylar.

Sylar: I remember you. (pins Peter against wall and holds him by the throat.) You're like me, aren't you? I'd like to see how that works.

.07% [1.19]

[Linderman provides the opening monologue, interspersed with dialouge from previous episodes.]

Linderman: People think I collect art. What I really collect are lives fixed in paint. A perfect moment capturing an entire existence, made immortal. A monster's fight to survive, and live to kill again. A mother willing to fracture her own soul to protect her child. Youth's struggle for innocence, despite life's cruelty. The double-edged lies needed to sustain a double-edged life. A wandering hero's pure joy at success, and his darkest hour, when all the world seems lost. All perfect moments, frozen in time. Alone, each tells a single story. Together, they can tell the future.

Claire: Daddy, I'm so sorry.

Noah: Claire!

Claire: It's all my fault. I tried to do what you said... but they caught me. I'm so scared. (Noah pushes her away.) What is it?

Noah: You. You're not...

Claire: Not what?

Noah: Not you! (Claire's body morphs into Candice's form.)

Linderman: It was beautiful. And then some of my friends, they lost their way. They used their powers for personal gain and all the good that we'd done had amounted to nothing.

Linderman: People need hope, Nathan.

Linderman: This tragedy will be a catalyst for good.

Nathan: If you know all this, then you also know the exploding man is my brother.

Linderman: As I said, we all have our roles to play.

Candice: I could show him things that would make him tear his eyes out.

Noah: Maybe I'm exactly where I want to be.

Thompson: You're on death row.

Noah: If you wanted to kill me, you would have by now.

Thompson: I'm waiting for the order. That's what we do here. We follow orders.

Nathan: Japanese Feudalism. Renaissance. Rome. Mayan. Peruvian. 20th Century. You must bring all your first dates here. What do you do with all this stuff?

Linderman: I protect it. I shield it from a selfish and greedy world.

Linderman: When my day of judgment comes, Nathan, I'll be remembered as a humanitarian. I care about the world, I just want to save it. To heal it. And for that, I need you.

Nathan: What could you possibly know about healing? (Linderman looks over at a dead plant and heals it.)

Linderman: A few things.

Linderman: We all have our roles to play in the events to come. You know, this isn't just a collection of art. This is a road map. These artists envisioned a brighter future. Peace. Prosperity.

Linderman: I said people needed hope, but people trust fear.

Sylar: I remember you. You're like me, aren't you? I'd like to see how that works. (Sylar begins to open Peter's head.)

Peter: (begins screaming in pain, and then heals. Peter flings Sylar across the room against the wall, and Mohinder drops from the ceiling.)

Sylar: Oh no. I'm not done with him yet. (Peter turns invisible.) Interesting, I can't wait to try that one.

Messenger: So, what happens to Hiro in this one?

Isaac: Promise you won't post any spoilers?

Messenger: The future? How do you come up with this stuff?!

Isaac: It's a gift. Speaking of which... (hands messenger his sketchbook.)

Messenger: Your sketchbook? You serious!?

Isaac: Hold on to it. It might be worth something some day.

Messenger: Thank you!

Mohinder: Mrs. Petrelli?

Angela: Yes?

Mohinder: I'm so sorry. It's Peter.

Angela: What about him?

Mohinder: I found this address in his wallet and I didn't know where else to go. I couldn't leave him. He's dead. He was killed. Murdered. He tried to save my life... I was in over my head.

Angela: Get out of here.

Mohinder: I'm sorry.

Angela: Please leave. Now.

Noah: That went better than I expected.

Nathan: Ma?

Angela: Nathan.

Nathan: Where is he? (Nathan approaches Peter's dead body.)

Angela: He's gone, Nathan.

Nathan: (crying) No! Peter! He wasn't supposed to die this way. He wasn't supposed to die this way... What do we do?

Angela: We hide it.

Nathan: What?

Angela: 'Till after the election. The last thing he would've wanted was to bring you down with him.

[Peter examines the glass shard taken from his head.]

Peter: What do you do with something that killed you?

Nathan: You could put it underneath your pillow.

Peter: You saved my life.

Claire: Guess we're even now.

Matt: You're middle management!

Sylar: This is usually the part when people start screaming.

Isaac: I've seen enough of the future. I don't need to watch it happen.

[In studio, Isaac lays dying from Sylar's attack.]

Isaac Mendez: I finally get to be a hero...

Five Years Gone [1.20]

Ando: What happened to Hiro? Who was that?

Future Hiro: Homeland Security.

Ando: The government?

Future Hiro: They're taking him to a special holding facility in midtown.

Ando: How do you know that?

Future Hiro: Because that's where they take all the terrorists.

Ando: Why would anyone think Hiro's a— You? A terrorist?

Future Hiro: After Sylar exploded, the world became a very dark place.

Hiro: [to Parkman] You are like me. Special. Why do you want to hurt other special people?

Ando: What happened to me? Where am I? Am I rich? Married?

Future Hiro: I can't tell you that.

Ando: Why not?

Future Hiro: Because ... [translated from Japanese] The whole time/space continuum ... might implode because you were impatient.

Future Nathan: Let's be honest. I can fly. I'm hardly dangerous.

Future Matt: [Examining the tased Future Hiro] We already caught you. Two Hiros. Son of a bitch! He really can travel through time.

Claire: Who are you to decide who's special and who's not?

Future Sylar [as Nathan]: I'm the leader of the free world. For all I know, I'm the most special person there is. Lord knows I've found enough power. Met a lot of special people. Like this girl named Candice, who allowed me to become president. But, I'm done. I just want to eliminate the competition. I don't need anymore power. Especially not after you.

[Claire turns to run but is telekenetically frozen in place. Nathan raises his finger and starts to slice Claire's head open]

Claire: [whispering] Sylar.

[Nathan shapeshifts revealing himself to be Sylar]

Sylar: I've waited a long time for this.

Ando: You've always wanted to become a Kendo master.

Future Hiro: I studied in Tohoku. So, technically, I'm a Battojutsu master.

Ando: [in Japanese] Why do you always have to correct me?

Future Hiro: [in Japanese] Because, there's a difference.

Ando: What difference? You're still a hero. You became everything you wanted to be. And I- - I became dead.

Future Hiro: Peter told you?

Ando: [examining Hiro's sword] Looks like you've seen a lot of battles.

Future Hiro: More than I like to remember.

Ando: How was it?

Future Hiro: Not nearly as fun...without you.

Future Hiro: You.

Hiro: Me?

Future Hiro: What are you doing here? You're not supposed to be here. None of this is supposed to be here.

Hiro: It was an accident. We time traveled.

Ando: What happened to the city?

Future Hiro: The bomb. The bomb still happened. It was all supposed to change. Five years ago a man named Sylar exploded, changing the world forever.

Hiro: I look upset.

Ando: Go. Talk to yourself.

Hiro: No way... I scare me. You do it.

Matt: I used to be that guy. Wishing it and making it happen are two different things.

Mohinder: Not for Nakamura.

Ando: Is everything alright?

Future Peter: No, let's go fix it.

Future Hiro: Should we freeze time?

Future Peter: Nah, I havent had a good fight in years.

Nathan: Brother versus brother. It's almost biblical.

Peter: My brother can't walk through walls. Who are you?

Sylar: (morphs to Sylar's form.) An old friend. The guy they blamed for blowing up New York, but we know the real story, don't we Pete?

Peter: You're gonna pay for what you did to Nathan. What you did in his name!

Sylar: What I did? (activates his ice ability) When I killed Nathan he'd already turned against his own kind.

Peter: Liar! (Peter activates his fire ability and the two charge at eachother)

The Hard Part [1.21]

[translated from Japanese]

Hiro: Now the hard part...

Ando: Why are you smiling?

Hiro: It's exciting! This is our chance to change the future.

Ando: But how? How will we know what to do?

Hiro: I have Mr. Isaac's comic book. It's not finished. It only has the pictures, not the words.

Ando: We could be talking about anything.

Hiro: Let's go ask Mr. Isaac. He'll know what we say. (yelled, in English) Don't worry New York! We will save you!

[over the phone]

Mohinder: Hello?

Sylar: Mohinder. It's me. I need your help.

Mohinder: Sylar?

Sylar: I think I'm gonna do something bad.

Mohinder: You're a murderer. You don't get the luxury of regret.

Sylar: You don't understand. I think I'm gonna kill a lot more people. a lot more. I understood it before, the killing. To take what others didn't deserve. It was natural selection. But this time its different.

Mohinder: What are you talking about?

Sylar: An apocalypse. A massacre. Half the city gone in an instant...They mean nothing...They're innocent. There's no gain, so why would I do it? What possible reason could I have for killing so many?

Mohinder: [dialing on another phone] Wait. Listen. You don't have to - If you are truly repentant about what you've done. Turn youself in.

Sylar: I can hear you dialing 9-1-1. It was a mistake to call.

Mohinder: No. Wait. Sylar? Sylar!

[Sylar hangs up the phone]

Thompson: So, have you thought about my offer? Are you ready to come work for us?

Mohinder: As far as I can tell, you're all a bunch of untrustworthy gunders.

Sylar: That clock's broken.

Virginia Gray: Oh, that old thing. I should've thrown it away years ago.

Sylar: It was Dad's.

Virginia Gray: It's junk.

Sylar: It's a beautiful piece. It just needs a little attention.

Virginia Gray: I can't tell you how proud I am.

Sylar: I haven't done anything.

Virginia Gray: You've traveled the world. Some of us only get to see it in snow globes.

Sylar: I fix watches.

Virginia Gray: That's a hobby. Investment banking is a very lucrative field.

Sylar: I can't be an investment banker.

Virginia Gray: You could be anything you want.

Sylar: Mom, he wouldn't even remember who I am.

Virginia Gray: Who could forget you?

Sylar: Mom, you're not even listening to me!

Virginia Gray: I am listening.

Sylar: No...you're making a tuna sandwich.

Virginia Gray: So?

Sylar: I asked you not to.

Virginia Gray: I made a mistake. I'm sorry.

Sylar: Mom - mom, don't. It's just... maybe I don't have to be special. That's okay, to just be a normal watchmaker. Can't you just tell me that's enough?

Virginia Gray: Why would I tell you that when I know you could be so much more? If you wanted, you could be president.

Sylar: What if I told you I can be special? Important. But to do that I have to hurt a lot of people. Should I?

Virginia Gray: You? You could never hurt anyone.

Sylar: There's a lot of things I can do you don't know about. I have something to show you. (sprays water into the air.)

Virginia Gray: What are you doing?! (Sylar moves his hand over the water and turns it into snow.)

Sylar: I know how much you love snow globes.

Virginia Gray: How did you - Gabriel? Gabriel! (snow globes start spinning with the snow and one hits his mother in the cheek.)

[Hiro and Ando watching Sylar and his mother.]

Hiro: He's so sad.

Ando: He's distracted. Go on, do it!

Hiro: I can't kill a man who is asking for forgiveness. It's not in the Bushido code. Everyone deserves a second chance.

[outside his mother's room, banging on the door.]

Sylar: Please. I'm sorry I scared you, just come out. Mom, I saw a vision of the future and I'm gonna kill a lot of people. Tell me why I would do that. Mom. Mom!

Hiro: Future Hiro killed so much, he forgot it should be hard.

Virginia Gray: I'm leaving. And when I get back I expect you to be gone.

Sylar: Don't say that, mom. It's me, it's Gabriel.

Virginia Gray: You're not Gabriel. You're damned. And I want you out of my house. (Sylar reaches forward and takes hold of his mother's wrist.) Let go! Get away from me! Get away!

Sylar: Calm down!

Virginia Gray: (she tries to pull away.) I want my son! What did you do with my son!? Give me back my boy.

Sylar: Mom, it's me, it's me, please, stop it! (his mother picks up a pair of scissors.)

Virginia Gray: You're not Gabriel! You're not, you're not! (There's a struggle, then Sylar backs away from his mother. Scene reveals he has accidentally stabbed her in the chest with the scissors.)

Sylar: I understood it before, the killing. I had a reason — to take what others didn't deserve. It was natural selection.

Landslide [1.22]

Hiro: I understand, Father. To save what is most important... I must be strong enough... to cut out my heart.

Jessica: [to Matt] Didn't I throw you through a window?

Thompson: [while pointing a gun at Matt's head] What am I thinking now, Parkman?

Noah: Your last thought. [shoots Thompson]

Jessica: He's right, D.L.. I want to take the money. I really do. I would even kill you for it. But Niki wouldn't.

Sylar: Boom...

How To Stop An Exploding Man [1.23]

Mohinder: [Voiceover] Where does it come from? This quest? This need to solve lifes mysteries when the simpliest of questions can never be answered. Why are we here? What is the soul? Why do we dream? Perhaps we would be better off not looking at all. Not delving. Not yearning. But that's not human nature. Not the human heart. That is not why we are here. Yet still we struggle to make a difference. To change the world. To dream of hope. Never knowing for certain who we'll meet along the way. Who, among the world of strangers, will hold our hand. Touch our hearts. And share the pain of trying.

Claire: Tell me you have a plan, dad.

Noah: I have a plan. I love you, Claire.

Claire: I love you too.

[Ando walks into Isaac's apartment and stops to look at a painting. Steps in a pool of blood, turns around, and Sylar pins him against the wall.]

Sylar: Hmm, looks like you dropped something. [Sylar picks up a Ninth Wonder cartoon.] A comic book that predicts the future. What will they think of next? [Sylar turns to page showing Hiro stabbing him.] You're kidding. This is how Isaac thought I'd die? Stabbed by a silly little man?

Ando: Hiro is not silly!

Sylar: You should've seen the look on his face when he tried to kill me.

Ando: You cannot take my brain.

Sylar: Please. What would I want with your brain?

Claire: The future is not written in stone!

Nathan: I'm afraid this one is.

[Having teleported to their Japanese office, Hiro hands Ando the Kensei sword.]

Hiro: It is not the sword. It is the man.

[Ando stops Hiro just as he's about to teleport back to New York to face Sylar.]

Ando: You look bad ass.

Hiro: [smiling] Really?

Sylar: Haven't I killed you before?

Peter: Didn't take.

Sylar: [chuckles] You think I'm gonna let you ruin it all? Take all the glory? [Parkman shoots at Sylar, but he stops the bullets and reflects them back.] Did you really think you could stop me?

Sylar: Turns out you're the villain, Peter. I'm the hero.

Hiro: [teleported in with sword] Sylar!

Sylar: You!

[Hiro runs forward and stabs Sylar in the left lung.]

Hiro: Yatta. (Note: Throughout the series, Hiro says "yatta," which means "I did it" in Japanese)

Claire: Please tell me there's another way.

Peter: There is no other way.

(Nathan suddenly flies in and lands between Claire and Peter)

Nathan: Yes there is, Claire. The future's not written in stone.

Peter: I took his power Nathan, I can't control it.

Nathan: I'm not leaving you Peter. There's another way to end this, and you know it.

Peter: I can't let you die.

Nathan: And I can't let everyone else...

Nathan: You saved the cheerleader, so we could save the world.

[Cut to Kirby Plaza in the aftermath of the confrontation, as Molly watches Parkman moved to an ambulance.]

Mohinder: [voiceover] We dream of hope,we dream of change,of fire,of love,of death,and then it happens,the dream becomes real. And the answer to the quest,this need to solve life's mysteries finally shows itself,like the glowing light of the new dawn. So much struggle, for meaning, for purpose, but in the end we find it only in each other. Our shared experiences of the fantastic, and the mundane. The simple, human need to find the kindred, to connect, and to know in our hearts that we are not alone.

Season 2 (Volume 2: Generations)

Four Months Later [2.01]

Mohinder: The sun rises on a new dawn. Yet few of us realize the debt we owe to those responsible for this. To those who dwell among us. Anonymous, seemingly ordinary, whom destiny brought together to heal, to save us, from ourselves.

Bob: If you're really interested in saving the world, the least you could do is let me buy you a drink.

Maya: Are they really gone?

Alejandro: For now. We've got to keep going.

Maya: We've been running for eight hundred miles. I can't run anymore.

Alejandro: We have no choice.

Noah: From now on, you have to be entirely un-extraordinary.

Claire: Right. Don't stand out in any way.

Hiro: The past isn't a very safe place.

West: So, what are you?

Claire: Meaning what exactly?

West: Meaning are you one of them? Or one of the others?

Claire: I'm not sure I know what you're getting at.

West: Lemme break it down for you: are you a robot or an alien? 'Cause everyone in the world is one or the other.

Kaito: For close to thirty years I have seen my son as a disappointment. A dream who excelled at nothing. It was not until Hiro began this quest that I saw his strength, courage and wisdom. There is a legacy that I am meant to hand down to him. No, I will wait for Hiro to return. I am a man of patience.

Angela: You killed your brother, drove Heidi away, drove your kids away. If you'd followed our plan, if you'd done what you were supposed to do, he would be alive now.

Nathan: To think I almost listened to you. You're evil, ma. Get out.

Hiro: You are the hero Kensei?

Takezo: My name here is Kensei, but no one's ever called me a hero before.

Bob: We find people and we make sure they don't become dangerous. Now, sometimes that can mean making sure entirely what they're capable of and teaching them to use their abilities for the good of mankind. And sometimes it can mean eliminating them.

Mohinder: Who the hell are you to judge who lives and who dies?

Bob: If I'm not mistaken, you yourself tried to put a bullet in the brain of a man named Sylar.

Hiro: (in Japanese) Are you sure you're Takezo Kensei?

Takezo: (in Japanese) Good name, eh? "Kensei" means "sword saint". Men think twice before they trifle with that. I thought of it when I got here from England.

Hiro: [in English] You are English?!

Kaito: I sought redemption by helping Hiro fulfill his destiny to save the world. How did you help your son?

Takezo: You mustn't fret over everything my very strange little friend! Here, have some sake. Brighten your day.

Hiro: No, forget sake! You're supposed to be a hero!

Hiro: Oh no. I broke history.

Takezo: [after punchng out Hiro] The only thing I have to do, is find me a drink.

[over the phone]

Mohinder: They finally took the bait. They caught up with me in Cairo. I'm in.

Noah: Good. It's all falling into place. Just stay careful and watch your back. And you and I will bring this whole company down.

[over the phone]

Nathan: Why are you calling me?

Claire: I don't know. I'm not sure.

Nathan: Well don't do it again. I gotta go.

Claire: No, wait. Listen. I know why you're doing this. I get it, I miss him too. I just- I need someone to talk to. I don't know if I can do this anymore.

Nathan: Do what?

Claire: Not be who I really am. And I know that I-I can't be who they want me to be and I just feel like I'm gonna burst.

Nathan: Look, I know you're looking for answers. We all are. But trust me, I'm not the guy to give them to you. I'm sorry.

Irish Mobster: Who are you? What's your name?

Peter: I don't know... I don't know...

Lizards [2.02]

HRG: Compared to the life I had, normal is a pretty nice vacation.

Hiro: Have you seen a scary white man?

[in Japanese]

Takezo: (drunkenly)You look like a fish when you talk. Like a giant carp!

Hiro: I already made a mess of the past. The space/time continuum can't take anymore. History needs Takezo Kensei to be a hero today... (Hiro puts on Takezo's armor and rides away on horseback.) Ando's never going to believe this one!

Bob: Oh, and doctor? As of right now your blood is the only cure for this virus. Try not to get yourself killed.

Caitlin: Impossible. I've just wrung out a lot of your blood, and you don't have a mark on you.

West: So, lizards, huh?

Claire: Tell me you didn't just time that so I'd walk right past you.

West: I figured you'd be more into whales or something. Unicorns.

Claire: You know, you make a lot of assumptions. Is my hair really that blonde?

West: I think it's cool actually. I'm sort of into genetics too.

Claire: I didn't say I was into genetics.

West: You don't have to hide everything interesting about you. Biology is supposed to be our destiny. But people forget genes can change!

Claire: I thought guys like you were supposed to sit in the back of the classroom and hate everything.

West: I just found this book. It's by some Indian guy, I can barely even pronounce his name. It's about everything you're talking about. People who evolved. There's a whole chapter on regeneration!

Claire: Sorry, I left all my awesome genetics expert reading for the summer vacation.

Hiro: (in Takezo's armor) my father once told me deer are the messengers of god. if you tell a deer your wish it can pass on the message.

Yaeko: Heaven has already sent me what I most desire. Someone to save us all. And bring us hope.

Hiro: (in Takezo's armor) You are too kind.

Yaeko: Take off your mask.

Hiro: (in Takezo's armor) There are things I could not say if you looked on my face. You... disarm me. It is no surprise Takezo Kensei's love for you will be the stuff of legends.

Yaeko: Will it? (Hiro nods)

The Haitian: You work for people?

Mohinder: A company.

The Haitian: Of course, there's always a company.

Mr. Bennet: [to Claire] You may feel confined here but this is far freer a cage than the one they'd put you in.

Takezo: (faintly) Sorry, Carp. I'll help you be a hero the next time around.

Hiro: No! You cannot die! (Kensei's wound heals.) Godsend!

Kindred [2.03]

Michelle: [answering cell phone] Hey. No, he's still sleeping. What can I say? The guy is tired. He's waking up, I'll have to call you later. (to Sylar) Good morning sleepyhead! You wanna go for a dip?

Sylar: Where am I?

Michelle: We're in Maui. Nice, huh? Feel those trade winds.

Sylar: Who are you?

Michelle: I'm Michelle. (reaches out to shake hands.) I used to go by Candice, but ever since I pulled you off Kirby Plaza, the police have kind of been looking for my old self. I'm going for a new look. (shakes her hair around) What do you think?

Sylar: You dragged me off Kirby Plaza?

Michelle: After you got stabbed through the chest with a samurai sword. Eight surgeries later, and here we are. Which reminds me, don't try to move or you'll rip your stitches. Daiquiri?

Sylar: Stitches? There's nothing there.

Michelle: I covered them up. I make illusions, it's kind of my thing.

Sylar: So none of this is real? Show me what's really going on here.

Michelle: Honey, you really don't wanna know.

Sylar: Show me! (scenery changes and Sylar looks down at his stomach wound, tries to get up, and starts screaming in pain.)

[discussing Claire cutting off her toe]

Claire: It was a pedicure.

West: What?

Claire: I was giving myself a pedicure.

West: You're not very good at it!

Mohinder: Someone's grouchy when they don't get their sleep.

Matt: Molly's struggling. Nightmares, problems in school. I can't babysit her and you at the same time.

Mohinder: And why would I need babysitting?

Matt: You're in over your head.

Mohinder: Thank you, but I'm-

Matt: They abducted me! Kept me prisoner. I know you think you can beat them at their own game but, no offense Mohinder, you're a professor. You're not 007.

Mohinder: I told myself I would do whatever it took to take down the company. That's how I can help Molly.

Prisoner: (to Alejandro) Dude, you look like ass.

Takezo: I cut myself, and the wound heals. Over and over again.

Hiro: You are a hero, like me. I have power too.

Takezo: You? Really?

Hiro: Yes. I can stop time and move through space. (teleports behind Takezo) Hello!

Takezo: How are such things possible?

Hiro: Some say it's a gift from god. Some people think it's evolution.

Takezo: What is that? Evolution?

Hiro: It means you can heal from any wound.

Takezo: Really? Any wound? Sword? Serpent? Fire? (Hiro nods.) This'll make me richer than the pope!

West: I take it you're annoyed.

Claire: What is it, West? Huh? What do you want from me?

West: I want you to admit you're different.

Claire: Okay, fine, I'm a freak. Alright?

West: Claire.

Claire: I am such a freak, in fact, that I have to tip-toe around this school pretending to be a brainless Barbie doll so nobody notices how different I am. 'Cause if they found out, I'd be carted off to some human zoo where I'd be poked and prodded at for the rest of my life. So yeah, West, I'm different. And you can tell the world if you want to because I'm tired of pretending to be someone I'm not.

West: Claire, shut up. (lifts her up and flies.)

Sylar: Everything that I've been working for, everything I had, is gone.

Sylar: You? How you are going to help? You gonna make me some more eggs?

Michelle: By making it easy. By making it fun. I can take you anywhere you wanna go. Paris. London. How about Japan? And I can be anyone you want me to be. [morphs into a Japanese woman in a kimono.] (Suggestively)If your fantasy is exotic...[morphs into two blonde twins who touch Sylar on the arms before walking off.]...Or more run of the mill.[morphs into Sylar himself.]...Or something more familiar...if that's what you're into. (returns to her own form.) (returns to her normal tone.)You see? I can help you. We were meant to do this together.

Sylar: [Considers her, looking thoughtful. He stands and walks to her, whispering seductively before smashing a cup into her head and killing her.] I underestimated you. You truly are extraordinary...Just like me. You were right. I am gonna get my abilities back. Starting with yours.

Ricky: (to Peter) I may not know what you are, but I know who you are. You're one of us. And we have no secrets in the family.

The Kindness of Strangers [2.04]

Noah: Claire, your mother and I need to talk to you. About boys.

Claire: Oh please, not the sex talk again, it was painful enough the first time.

Claire: Dad, believe it or not, there are people in the world who aren't out to get us.

Matt: It's getting worse. Two a night now. I'm trying to listen in, get in her head. I keep getting thrown back.

Mohinder: So what are we supposed to do?

Matt: I don't know. You're the scientist!

Mohinder: That doesn't exactly make me an expert on nightmares.

Matt: That makes two of us.

Nathan: I know I haven't been around, and I'm sorry about that. But I'm coming home. I promise. And what do Petrelli's do when they make promises?

Nathan's children: Keep them!

Maya: So, you are from California?

Derek: California?

Maya: Mm-hmm, on the license on the car, it says California.

Derek: Oh, that. No, I just picked the car up there. I'm actually from Jersey.

Maya: This is very, very close to New York. We are going to New York, my brother and I-

Derek: Look, I can take you guys pretty far, but when we get to the border, chances are they're gonna be looking for all of us.

Alejandro: (in Spanish) What's he saying?

Maya: (in Spanish) He says they'll be looking for us at the bord- (Derek stops the car because there's someone lying in the middle of the road. They all get out of the car to look.) Oh my god!

Alejandro: (in Spanish) What happened to him?

Derek: Dude looks dead. (The three of them turn him over.)

Sylar: (voice hoarse) Help me.

West: Hi.

Claire: Hi.

West: I can't stop thinking about yesterday. It was amazing! I finally found someone I can be myself with.

Claire: Uh... about that. I-I'm not sure we should hang out anymore. It's just my parents are really overprotective.

West: Is this because we flew together? It weirded you out, didn't it?

Matt: I can read your mind. Just like I read your mother's, but I can't tell my partner what I know or how I know it.

Nathan: Are you reading my mind right now?

Matt: No-yes, sorry.

Angela: (to Nathan) Don't let your children hate you. Not if you can help it.

Maya: (in Spanish) It's a miracle! A sign from God, we're on the right path. (in English to Sylar) Thank you! I don't know what to say, I don't even know your name!

Sylar: It's Gabriel. (looks down at broken watch and his eyes fix on the word "Sylar" at the top.) Gabriel Gray.

Maya: Gabriel. Oh! Like the angel.

Sylar: Yeah. (turns away from Maya.) Just like the angel.

Monica: I don't know. Maybe God's punishing me.

Camille: Now why would he do that?

Monica: For being selfish. I pray for it every Sunday in church, for God to find me a way out of here. Everybody else is praying for the community, to put things back together, to give them strength. Not me. I'm just praying for a way out.

(West catches Claire after jumping from HOLLYWOOD sign)

Claire: You caught me.

West: Of course I did.

Claire: But I would have been fine.

West: I know you can heal, Claire, but I never want to see you hurt.

(Derek buys newspaper with Alejandro and Maya's pictures on the front.)

Derek: Gabriel. Come here, check this out. There are killers. In the car with us.

Sylar: What?

Derek: Homocidio. Right there.

Sylar: Well, golly, they seem so...

Derek: Dude, I have been riding with them for two days! We gotta ditch 'em.

Sylar: Okay. Um. Alright, I'll distract them. And you- you go call the police. There's a pay phone right inside. (Derek goes to find the pay phone, and Sylar picks up brick and walks after him.)

Maya: (in Spanish) Derek is calling the police! (Maya and Sylar's eyes go black.)

Sylar: What are you doing to me?! (Alejandro grabs Maya's hands.)

Alejandro: (in Spanish) Calm down, calm down, calm down... (their eyes return to normal.)

Sylar: You both... have powers?

Maya: This is not our fault! We don't know what is happening to us.

Sylar: That's why you need to find Dr. Suresh.

Maya: Yes.

Sylar: Believe me, I understand what you're going through. To be held responsible for things you didn't mean to do. Being hunted. I've helped Suresh with so many people like you, he'll know what to do.

Maya: But the police!

Sylar: (holds up car keys) They'll have to catch us first.

Mohinder: Molly's finally settling down.

Matt: I'm sorry.

Mohinder: Did you know?

Matt: No, I'm sorry. The thing is, Molly has to find my father.

Mohinder: That is out of the question.

Matt: A lot of people in this photo are dead. This guy, dead. This guy, dead! Kaito Nakamura, murdered. Angela Petrelli, attacked. This is my dad. He may already be dead, he may be the next victim. He may be the killer! I have to find that out.

Mohinder: Okay, this man here, this is the man I work for. His name is Bob, I'll take you to him.

Matt: Fine. After we find my dad.

Mohinder: You leave Molly out of this! You are asking a little girl to confront her worst nightmare!

Matt: Maybe confronting it is exactly what she needs!

Mohinder: Oh, so this is all about helping Molly? Because to me it sounds like a thirteen-year-old boy trying to make his daddy pay for leaving him!

Matt: And you know everything about daddy issues?

Mohinder: Yeah, I do.

Mal: We have done the impossible, and that makes us mighty.

Bendis: We're gonna die.

Mal: We are not gonna die. You know why? Because we are so... very... pretty. We are just too pretty for God to let us die. Huh? Look at that chiseled jaw!

[Wash is at his station on the bridge, playing with plastic dinosaurs.]

Wash [as Stegosaurus]: Yes... yes. This is a fertile land, and we will thrive. We will rule over all this land, and we will call it... This Land.

Wash [as Allosaurus]: I think we should call it... your grave!

Wash [as Stegosaurus]: Ah! Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!

Wash [as Allosaurus]: Ha ha ha! Mine is an evil laugh! Now DIE!

Wash [as Stegosaurus]: Oh no, God, oh dear God in heaven...

Wash: Kaylee! Go to blackout! We're being buzzed!

Kaylee: Shi [Meaning affirmative]. Going dark.

[She climbs on top of the engine and flicks a switch, causing everything to go dark]

Kaylee: Okay, now I can't get down.

Book: He's not wildly interested in ingratiating himself with anyone, yet he's very protective of his crew. It's odd.

Inara: Why are you so fascinated by him?

Book: Because he's something of a mystery. Why are you?

Inara: [looks taken aback, then smiles] Because so few men are.

Zoe: I know something ain't right.

Wash: Sweetie, we're crooks. If everything were right, we'd be in jail.

Zoe: Sir, we don't want to deal with Patience again.

Mal: Why not?

Zoe: She shot you.

Mal: Well, yeah, she did a bit.

. . .

Mal: Did you send word to Patience?

Wash: Yeah, ain't heard back yet. Didn't she shoot you one time?

Mal: Everyone's makin' a fuss!

[Shepherd Book is checking the port for a ship, and meets Kaylee sitting on a lawn chair outside Serenity]

Kaylee: You're gonna come with us.

Book: Excuse me?

Kaylee: You like ships. You don't seem to be lookin' at the destinations. What you care about is the ships, and mine's the nicest.

Book: She don't look like much.

Kaylee: Oh, she'll fool ya. You ever sailed in a Firefly?

Mal: You will keep a civil tongue in that mouth or I will sew it shut. Is there an understanding between us?

Jayne: You don't pay me to talk pretty. Just because Kaylee gets lubed up over some big-city dandy-

Mal: Walk away from this table, right now.

[Jayne exits, reluctantly]

Simon: What do you pay him for?

Mal: What?

Simon: I was curious... what is his job on this ship?

Mal: ... Public relations.

[The crew waits quietly as a Reaver ship passes.]

Simon: What happens if they board us?

Zoe: If they take the ship, they'll rape us to death, eat our flesh, and sew our skins into their clothing. And if we're very, very lucky, they'll do it in that order.

[Dobson is tied up in his room]

Mal: I got to know how close the Alliance is, exactly how much you told them 'fore Wash scrambled your call. So I've given Jayne here the job of finding out.

Jayne: [draws a huge knife] He was non-specific as to how.

. . .

Mal: [to Jayne] Now, you've only got to scare him.

Jayne: Pain is scary.

Jayne: [over radio] Testing. Testing, Cap'n, can you hear me?

Mal: [Standing next to Jayne] I'm standing right here.

Jayne: You're coming through good and loud.

Mal: 'Cause I'm standing right here.

[After Wash executes a brilliant escape from the Reavers using the "Crazy Ivan", Zoe turns to Mal.]

Zoe: Sir? I'd like you to take the helm, please. I need this man to tear all my clothes off.

[She grabs Wash by the jacket and drags him off.]

Wash: Work, work, work...

Book: I've been out of the abbey two days, I've beaten a lawman senseless, I've fallen in with criminals. I watched the captain shoot the man I swore to protect. And I'm not even sure if I think he was wrong. I believe... I just... I think I'm on the wrong ship.

Inara: Maybe. Or maybe you're exactly where you ought to be.

Mal: But he did try to get you to turn on me?

Jayne: Yeah.

Mal: So, why didn't you?

Jayne: [smiling] Money wasn't good enough.

Mal: What happens when it is?

Jayne: Well, that'll be an interesting day.

Simon: I'm trying to put this as delicately as I can... How do I know you won't kill me in my sleep?

Mal: You don't know me, son, so let me explain this to you once: If I ever kill you, you'll be awake, you'll be facing me, and you'll be armed.

Simon: Are you always this sentimental?

Mal: I had a good day.

Simon: You had the Alliance on you... criminals and savages... half the people on the ship have been shot or wounded, including yourself... and you're harboring known fugitives.

Mal: We're still flying.

Simon: That's not much.

Mal: It's enough.

The Train Job

Lund: You know, your coat is kinda a brownish color...

Mal: It was on sale. [Calmly sips his drink]

Lund: You didn't toast. You know, I'm thinkin' you one of 'em In'e'pen'ents.

Mal: And I'm thinkin' you weren't burdened with an overabundance of schooling. So why don't we just ignore each other until we go away?

Lund: The In'e'pen'ents were a bunch of cowardly, inbred piss-pots. Should've been killed off of every world spinnin'.

Mal: [Turns] Say that to my face.

Lund: I said you're a coward and a piss-pot. Now what are you gonna do about it?

Mal: [Smiling] Nothing. I just wanted you to face me so she could get behind you.

[Lund turns, and Zoe knocks him out with the butt of her rifle]

Mal: Drunks are so cute.

Wash: [Over intercom to Lund and other Alliance supporters] Every man there go back inside, or we will blow a new crater in this little moon.

Mal: [To Shepherd Book] Shouldn't you be off bringing religiosity to the fuzzy-wuzzies or some such?

Book: Oh, I've got heathens aplenty right here.

[Inara is brushing Kaylee's hair and explaining how Companions choose their clients]

Inara: Physical appearance doesn't matter so terribly. You look for compatibility of spirit. There's an energy about a person that's difficult to try to feel that-

Mal: [Entering Inara's shuttle] And then you try to feel the energy of their credit account, it has a sort of...aura...

Inara: What did I say to you about barging into my shuttle?

Mal: That it was manly and impulsive?

Inara: Yes, precisely. Only the exact phrase I used was, "Don't."

Mal: Well, you're holding my mechanic in thrall. And Kaylee! What the hell is goin' on in the engine room? Were there monkeys? Some terrifying space monkeys maybe got loose?

Mal: I'm not sure you'd be safe.

Inara: Mal, if you're being a gentleman, I may die of shock.

Mal: Hm. [Bows and leaves, then reenters] Have you got time to do my hair?

Inara: [Sternly] Out.

Zoe: Sir, I think you have a problem with your brain being missing.

[Mal is insisting on continuing the job, despite the train car full of Alliance soldiers]

Mal: Hell, this job I would pull for free.

Zoe: Then can I have your share?

Mal: No!

Zoe: If you die can I have your share?

Mal: Yes.

[Jayne is demanding that Wash take off for the delivery without Mal and Zoe.]

Jayne: You know what the chain of command is? It's the chain I go get and beat you with 'til you understand who's in ruttin' command here! Now we're finishing this deal, and then maybe, maybe we'll come back for those morons... got themselves caught... and you can't change that by getting all... bendy.

Wash: All what?

Jayne: You got the light... from the console to keep you... lifting you up... they shine like... [Starts grabbing at the air] little angels...

[Jayne falls flat on the floor.]

Wash: Did he just go crazy and fall asleep?

Simon: I told him to sit down.

[Jayne, still sprawled on the staircase, shoots Crow in the lower leg before he can stab Mal]

Mal: Nice shot.

Jayne: [Slurred] I was aimin' for his head.

[Sheriff Bourne has caught Mal returning stolen medicine to a plague-stricken town]

Sheriff Bourne: You were truthful back in town. These are tough times. A man can get a job, he might not look too close at what that job is. But a man learns all the details of a situation like ours... well... then he has a choice.

Mal: I don't believe he does.

[A tied-up Crow is made to kneel outside Serenity as it prepares to lift off]

Mal: Now this is all the money Niska gave us in advance. You give it back to him, tell him the job didn't work out. We're not thieves... well, we are thieves, but the point is we're not taking what's his. We'll stay out of his way as best we can from here on in. You'll explain that's best for everyone, okay?

Crow: [Stands up] Keep the money. Use it to buy a funeral. It doesn't matter where you go, or how far you fly, I will hunt you down, and the last thing you see will be my blade.

Mal: Darn. [Kicks Crow into Serenity's engine intake]

[Cut to another henchman being placed before Mal]

Mal: Now this is all the money Niska gave us in advance—

Henchman: Oh, I get it! I'm good. Best thing for everybody. [Desperate grin] I'm right there with you.

Bushwhacked

[Jayne's attacker, a malnourished settler, has been apprehended]

Simon: Oh yes, he's a real beast. [looks at Jayne] It's a wonder you're still alive.

Jayne: Looked bigger when I couldn't see him.

Mal: Reavers ain't men—or they forgot how to be.

[Commander Harken questions the crew.]

Harken: You fought with Captain Reynolds in the war?

Zoe: Fought with a lot of people in the war.

Harken: And your husband?

Zoe: Fight with him sometimes, too.

Harken: Is there any particular reason you don't wish to discuss your marriage?

Zoe: Don't see that it's any of your business, is all. We're very private people.

[Cut to Zoe's husband Wash.]

Wash: The legs! [laughs] Oh yeah, definitely have to say it was her legs. You can put that down. Her legs, and right where her legs... meet her back. Tha— actually, that whole area. That, and... and above it. [...] Have you seen what she wears? Forget about it. Have you ever been with a warrior woman?

Mal: That poor bastard you took off my ship. He looked right into the face of it—was made to stare.

Harken: "It"?

Mal: That darkness. Kind of darkness you can't even imagine. Blacker than the space it moves through.

Harken: Very poetic.

Mal: They made him watch. He probably tried to turn away, and they wouldn't let him. You call him a survivor? He's not. A man comes up against that kind of will, the only way to deal with it, I suspect, is to become it.

Jayne: You save his gorram life, he still takes the cargo. Hwoon dahn.

Mal: He had to. Couldn't let us profit. Wouldn't be civilized.

(The crew is playing a game similar to basket ball when an alarm goes off)

Zoe: Proximity alert. We must be comin' up on something.

Wash: Oh my god. What can it be? We're all doomed! Who's flying this thing?! (pause) Oh, right, that would be me. Back to work. (hands ball to Mal and leaves)

Kaylee: So I guess it makes us one man short.

Jayne: Yeah, little Kaylee's always one man short. (Kaylee punches him) Ow! Hey!

(the crew is in the cockpit, speculating on an apparently abandoned passenger ship after they ran down a body ejected from said craft)

Jayne: Tell you what I think. I figure that fellow we run into did everyone on board. Killed 'em all. Then he decided to take a swim, see how fast his blood would boil out his ears.

Wash: You're a very up person.

...

Mal: We'll check it out, see if there are any survivors. And if not, well, then, no one's gonna mind if we take a look around, see if there's not something of value they might've left behind.

Jayne: Yeah, no, uh, someone could be hurt!

Shindig

[While Jayne plays virtual pool with a disreputable type, Mal chats quietly with Inara.]

Inara: I like watching the game. As with other situations, the key seems to be giving Jayne a heavy stick and standing back.

. . .

[Mal reveals he has stolen a large sum of money from one of the men, a slave trader]

Inara: Mal!

Mal: Oh, terrible shame. 'Course, they won't discover it till they go order their next round of drinks.

[A hand slaps down on Mal's shoulder.]

Slaver: Wei.

Mal: [out loud] Good drinker, that one.

Zoe: Planet's coming up a mite fast.

Wash: That's just 'cause— I'm going down too quick. Likely crash and kill us all.

[As the ship begins to shake, Mal calmly leaves.]

Mal: Well, that happens, let me know.

Mal: It sounds like the finest party I can imagine getting paid to go to.

Inara: I don't suppose you'd find it up to [the] standards of your outings. More conversation, and somewhat less... petty theft and getting hit with pool cues.

Kaylee: Look at the fluffy one!

Zoe: Too much foofaraw. If I'm gonna wear a dress, I want something with some slink.

Wash: You want a slinky dress? I can buy you a slinky dress. Captain, can I have money for a slinky dress?

[Zoe laughs.]

Jayne: I'll chip in.

[Zoe turns to Jayne, still laughing.]

Zoe: I can hurt you.

[Badger "invites" Mal and Jayne to a palaver.]

Badger: Course you couldn't buy an invite with a diamond the size of a testicle. I've got my hands on a couple.

[Mal and Jayne grin.]

Badger: Of invites!

Badger: You think you're better than other people!

Mal: Just the ones I'm better than.

Mal: Does, uh... does this seem kind of tight?

Kaylee: Shows off your backside. Did you see the chandelier? It's hovering.

Mal: What's the point of that, I wonder?

Kaylee: Oh, mangos!

Mal: I mean, I see how they did it. I just ain't getting why.

Kaylee: These girls have the most beautiful dresses. And so do I! How 'bout that? [grins]

Mal: Yeah, well just be careful. We cheated Badger out of good money to buy that frippery and you're supposed to make me look respectable.

Kaylee: Yes, sir, Cap'n Tightpants.

Mal: Okay, help me find our man. He's supposed to be older, kind of stocky, wears a red sash crossways.

Kaylee: [seeing a large bowl of strawberries being carried past her] [absently] Why does he do that?

Mal: Maybe he won first place in the Miss Persephone pageant; just help me look.

Kaylee: [entirely focused on the bowl] Is that him?

Mal: That's the buffet table.

Kaylee: Well, how can we be sure, u-unless we question it? [grins]

Mal: Fine. Don't make yourself sick.

[After love-making, Zoe just wants to sleep.]

Wash: Don't fall asleep now. Sleepiness is weakness of character, ask anyone.

Zoe: It is not!

Wash: You're acting Captain. You know what happens, you fall asleep?

Zoe: Jayne slits my throat and takes over?

Wash: That's right.

Zoe: And we can't stop it?

Wash: I wash my hands of it. Hopeless case. I'll read a nice poem at the funeral. Something with imagery.

Zoe: You could lock the door. Keep the power-hungry maniac at bay.

Wash: Don't know. I'm starting to like this poetry thing. "Here lies my beloved Zoe, my autumn flower... somewhat less attractive now that she's all corpsified and gross—" [Zoe hits him with a pillow]

[Mal talks to Sir Warrick Harrow about Badger's offer.]

Sir Warrick: I know him. And I think he's a psychotic low-life.

Mal: And I think calling him that is an insult to the psychotic low-life community.

Kaylee: Don't you just love this party? Everything's so fancy and they have some kind of hot cheese over there!

Cabott: It's not as good as last year.

Kaylee: Oh really? What's they have last year?

Cabott: Standards.

Mal: And I never back down from a fight.

Inara: Yes, you do! You do all the time!

Mal: Well... yeah, but I'm not backing down from this one!

Inara: You don't need strength as much as speed. We're fragile creatures. It takes less than a pound of pressure to cut skin.

Mal: You know that? They teach you that in whore academy?

Inara: You have a strange sense of nobility, Captain. You'll lay a man out for implying I'm a whore, but you keep calling me one to my face.

Mal: I might not show respect to your job, but he didn't respect you. That's the difference. Inara, he doesn't even see you.

Inara: Well, I guess death will solve the issue to everyone's satisfaction.

[Badger notices River wandering into the cargo bay]

Badger: Who's that, then? Here, look at me. What's your story, love?

Simon: She's just a... just a passenger.

Badger: Yeah? Why ain't she talkin'? Got a secret?

Simon: No, I'm—

River: [suddenly speaking in Badger's own Cockney accent] Sure. I got a secret. More'n one. Don't seem like I'd tell 'em to you, now, do it? Anyone off Dyton colony knows better'n to talk to strangers. [pokes Badger in the chest] You're talkin' loud enough for the both of us, ain't ya? I've met a dozen like you. Skipped off home early. Minor grift jobs here and there. Spent some time in the lockdown, but less than you claim. And you're what? A petty thief with delusions o' standing? Sad little king of a sad little hill.

Badger: Nice to see someone from the old homestead.

River: Not really. [to Simon] Call me if anyone interesting shows up. [Leaves]

Badger: [grinning] I like her.

Inara: You're always breaking the rules, no matter which society you're in! You don't get along with ordinary criminals either, which is why you're constantly getting in trouble!

Mal: You think following the rules will buy you a nice life, even if the rules make you a slave.

[Mal refuses to kill the prone, humiliated Atherton.]

Sir Warrick: You have to finish it, lad. [Mal doesn't move] You have to finish it. For a man to lay beaten, yet breathing? It makes him a coward.

Inara: It's humiliation.

Mal: It would be humiliating, having to lie there while the better man refuses to spill your blood. Mercy is the mark of a great man.

[He lightly stabs Atherton.]

Mal: Guess I'm just a good man.

[He repeats the poking.]

Mal: Well, I'm all right.

Inara: Are you in pain?

Mal: Absolutely. I got stabbed, you know, right here. [shows bandaged wound in his side]

Inara: [squeamishly] Eh— I saw.

Mal: Don't care much for fancy parties. Too rough.

Inara: It wasn't entirely a disaster.

Mal: I got stabbed! Right here!

Inara: You also lined up exciting new crime.

Mal: Don't take his offer.

Inara: What?

Mal: Don't do it. 'Cause in the case that it happens, that means he's a fella who killed me, and I don't like fellas who kill me, not in general. I said before I don't have call to stop you, and that's true. Anyways, don't.

Safe

[In a flashback, a young River plays behind a couch while Simon works on a computer pad.]

Young River: We got outflanked by the Independent squad, and we're never gonna make it back to our platoon. [pauses] We need to resort to cannibalism.

Young Simon: That was fast. Don't we have rations or anything?

. . .

[River glances at her brother's homework.]

Young River: That's wrong.

Young Simon: It's from the book, River.

Young River: No, the book is wrong. This whole conclusion is fallacious.

[Simon and River whine about getting a dedicated "source box".]

Gabriel Tam: I will not have it in my house. But, since your mother's already ordered you one, I guess I should give up the fantasy that this is my house!

[In the present day, River is violently refusing to cooperate with Simon's diagnostic tests.]

Mal: So, she's added cussing and hurling-about of things to her repertoire. She really is a prodigy.

Simon: It's just a bad day.

Mal: No, a "bad day" is when someone's yellin' spooks the cattle. Understand? You ever see cattle stampede when they got no place to run? It's kind of like a… a meat grinder. And it'll lose us half the herd.

Simon: She hasn't gone anywhere near the cattle.

Mal: No, but in case you hadn't noticed, her voice kinda carries. We're two miles above ground and they can probably hear her down there. Soon as we unload, she can holler until our ears bleed—although I would take it as a kindness if she didn't.

River: The human body can be drained of blood in 8.6 seconds given adequate vacuuming systems.

Mal: See, morbid and creepifying, I got no problem with, long as she does it quiet-like.

[Simon steps in a cowpie as Jayne drives the cargo of cattle out of the ship.]

Jayne: About time you broke in them fancy shoes. Hyah! Get along!

Mal: You know, they walk just as easy if you lead 'em.

Jayne: I like smackin' 'em.

. . .

Zoe: Next time we smuggle stock, let's make it something smaller.

Wash: Yeah, we should start dealing in those black-market beagles.

River: They weren't cows inside. They were waiting to be, but they forgot. Now they see sky, and they remember what they are.

Mal: Is it bad that what she said made perfect sense to me?

Simon: I'm very sorry if she tipped off anyone about your cunningly concealed herd of cows.

Inara: Does it seem every supply store on every border planet has the same five rag dolls and the same wood carvings of... what is this? A duck?

Kaylee: That's a swan. I like it.

Inara: You do?

[Kaylee strokes the swan carving.]

Kaylee: Looks like it was made with… you know, longing. Made by a person really longed to see a swan.

Inara: Perhaps because they'd only heard of them by rough description.

[Simon whines to engineer Kaylee about life on Serenity.]

Simon: It's fun, being forced to the ass-end of the galaxy. To get to live on a piece of luh-suh wreck. And we eat molded protein! And be bullied around by our pyen juh duh jiou cha[o] w[r]en of a captain. That's fun.

Kaylee: "Luh-suh"?! Serenity ain't "Luh-suh".

Mal: This is the last time. Last time with cows. Hey, there was an idea regarding beagles? They have smallish droppings?

Zoe: I believe so, sir. Also, your disreputable men are here.

Mal: Better go take their money.

[Shepherd (preacher) Book has been shot.]

Book: That's... that's quite a lot of blood, isn't it?

Mal: Just means you ain't dead.

Book: 'Fraid I might be needing a preacher.

Mal: That's good. You just lie there and be ironical.

River: We're lost. Lost in the woods.

Zoe: Knew a man who had a hole clean through his whole shoulder, once. Used to keep a spare hankie in there.

[Jayne, in the process of ransacking Simon's belongings, pretends to read Simon's journal.]

Jayne: "Dear Diary: Today I was pompous and my sister was crazy. [flips page] Today we were kidnapped by hill folk, never to be seen again. It was the best day ever."

Simon: Did you have a good time at the D'Arbanville's ball?

Gabriel Tam: What are you-?

Simon: River thought it was duller than last year. But since we don't know anyone named D'Arbanville, I'm having trouble judging.

Zoe: Cap'n'll come up with a plan.

Kaylee: Well, that's good. Right?

Zoe: Possible you're not recalling some of his previous plans.

Zoe: You sanguine about the kind of reception we're apt to receive on an Alliance ship, Cap'n?

Mal: Absolutely. [pauses] What's "sanguine" mean?

Zoe: "Sanguine". Hopeful. Plus, point of interest: it also means "bloody".

Mal: Well, that pretty much covers all the options, don't it?

Alliance Commander: Your official seal is out of date, Captain... Harbatken?

[Mal appeals to Alliance cruiser Magellan's commander for urgent medical help for Book.]

Alliance Commander: We aren't an emergency facility, Captain. Our services aren't available simply to anyone—

Book: Com… mander… my… ident card.

[The commander examines his card. His eyes widen.]

Alliance Commander: Get this man to the infirmary at once.

[Mal and Zoe stare at each other.]

[Simon and River have been kidnapped by the hill folk.]

Doralee: A place like this might be good for your sister. Quiet, safe… a place where folks take care of each other.

Simon: Mmm, yes. Seems like a lovely little community of kidnappers.

Doralee: It's the way of life in my findings that journeys end when and where they want to; and that's where you make your home.

Simon: This isn't our home.

Doralee: If it isn't here, where is it?

[Mal, Zoe, and Jayne watch Book's operation just outside Magellan's surgery room.]

Jayne: This place gives me an uncomfortableness.

River: I get confused. I remember everything. I remember too much. And... some of it's made up, and... some of it can't be quantified, and... there's secrets... and...

Simon: It's okay.

River: But I understand. You gave up everything you had to find me. You found me broken. It's hard for you. [breaking] You gave up everything you had.

Simon: Mei-mei. Everything I have... is right here.

. . .

River: We won't be here long. Daddy will come, and take us home. And I'll get better. I'll get better.

Simon: It's been a big day, what with the abduction, and all.

[Doralee reacts in alarm to River's ability to discern her young mute charge's tragedy.]

Doralee: "And they shall be among the people, and they shall speak truths and whisper secrets, and you will know them by their crafts."

Simon: What are you talking about?

Doralee: "Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live!"

[Flashback to an adult Simon, detained by the authorities and facing his angry father.]

Gabriel Tam: Have you completely lost your mind?

Simon: Pretty nearly.

Gabriel Tam: We got the wave at the Friedlichs. I had to leave your mother at the dinner table!

Simon: I'm sorry, Dad. You know I would never have tried to save River's life if I had known there was a dinner party at risk!

Gabriel Tam: Are you coming home?

Mal: They let us come, and they let us go. What kind of ident card gets us that kind of reception and send-off?

Book: I am a Shepherd. Folks like a man of God.

Mal: No, they don't. Men of God make everyone feel guilty and judged.

Book: It's good to be home.

[Simon pleads with the hill folk, who have tied River to a stake, preparing to burn her.]

Simon: She has done nothing to you! If she dies tonight, it won't be God's will that killed her! It'll be you! Your lunacy, your... ignorance!

. . .

[Unable to free his sister, Simon climbs onto the pyre and holds River.]

Simon: Light it.

River: Time to go.

[A blast of wind signals the arrival of Serenity. Jayne cocks a shotgun from the cargo hold while Mal and Zoe approach on foot.]

Mal: Well, look at this! Appears we got here just in the nick of time. What does that make us?

Zoe: Big damn heroes, sir.

Mal: Ain't we just? [Moves to front of crowd, covers them with shotgun.] Sorry to interrupt, folks, but y'all got something that belongs to us, and we'd like it back.

Patron: This is a holy cleansing. You cannot think to thwart God's will.

Mal: Y'all see the man hanging out of the spaceship with the really big gun? I'm not saying you weren't easy to find. [But] It was kinda out of our way, and he didn't want to come in the first place. Man's lookin' to kill some folk. So really, it's his will y'all should worry about thwarting.

[Mal turns to Simon.]

Mal: Gotta say, Doctor, your talent for alienatin' folks is near miraculous.

Simon: Yes, I'm very proud.

[Mal addresses the crowd again.]

Mal: Cut her down!

Patron: The girl is a witch.

Mal: Yeah, but she's our witch. [cocks gun] So cut her the hell down.

Jack Fenton: You must be so exhausted you can't even talk.

[gets no answer]

Jack Fenton: So I'll keep talking.

Tucker Foley: [after Danny has phased a car through a building] Oh sure, phase the car through the building. You just had to save the day, didn't you?

Danny Fenton: Well yeah! Because a car crashing through the twenty-eighth floor of anything is BAD!

Danny Fenton: [has just parachuted onto his aunt's farm with his dad's gift] Here you go mom. Dad left it at home so uhh... the mosquitoes wouldn't get it!

Jack Fenton: That's right!

[whispering to Danny]

Jack Fenton: Good work son. You'll get a raise in your allowance for this.

Danny Fenton: I get an allowance?

Samantha "Sam" Manson: [trying to stop Danny's parents from cheaking on him while he's fighting a ghost upstairs] Danny's upstairs.

[crash is heard upstairs]

Samantha "Sam" Manson: Uh, lifting weights?

Maddie Fenton: [after hearing another crash] He doesn't have exercise equipment up there.

Danny Fenton: [another crash] My computer! Oh, wait that's Jazz's.

[Danny and Tucker are drooling over Paulina]

Samantha "Sam" Manson: Paulina? Please, girls like that are a dime a dozen.

Danny Fenton: [to Tucker] How much change you got?

Samantha "Sam" Manson: Very funny.

[Danny and Tucker are at his house, talking to Sam over the computer]

Samantha "Sam" Manson: I'm sure you boys will have a wonderful time.

[logs off the computer]

Danny Fenton: She really wants to go to the dance.

Tucker Foley: She said she didn't want to!

Jazz Fenton: By the way Danny, just so you know, I'm onto your little secret.

Danny Fenton: [spits out his water] What secret?

Jazz Fenton: The clumsiness, the nervousness... I can't beleive I didn't figure it out before. You have a girlfriend.

Danny Fenton: It's a lie, I'm not a ghost! I mean, she's not my girlfriend. She's just going to the dance with me.

Jack Fenton: Great, I can meet her and talk to her about ghosts!

Jazz Fenton: You better let her know your family's insane now, Danny. If you marry her, and she finds out later, that's entrapment.

Tucker Foley: [Danny and Dragon Sam have destroyed the school dance] Man, I can't believe your date ditched you.

Danny Fenton: Where is Paulina anyway?

Samantha "Sam" Manson: [sees Paulina talking to Dash] Who cares? Look, the DJ is still playing and I think there's still time for one more dance.

[smiles at Danny]

Danny Fenton: [smiles at Sam] Sure, I'd love to.

[hands Tucker the amulet]

Danny Fenton: Hold on to this, will ya?

Samantha "Sam" Manson: [dancing with Danny] Promise me you'll keep your pants on?

Danny Fenton: I'll do my best.

Tucker Foley: Man, I'm dateless again! Man, what does a guy have to do to get hooked up around here?

Ghost Girl: I want to go to the ball!

Tucker Foley: On second thought, I'm not that desprete. Hey guys, can I cut in?

[Sam is trying to distract Technus]

Samantha "Sam" Manson: Hi. I'm Sam. I don't believe I caught your name. I suggest you shout it out loud, along with your motive.

Technus: I am technus! Master of all things mechanical! Wizard of integrated soicuittry! And destroyer of woilds!

Vice Principal Lancer: Great Gatsby!

Danny Fenton: [Sam taps at his window] Sam! You snuck out to see me! Oh, this is just like Romeo and Juliet, except I'm the one on the balcony and I can understand everything we're saying.

[Jack Fenton tries his new Ghost Translator on Danny]

Danny Fenton: Um... Um... Boo?

Ghost Translator: I am a ghost. Fear me.

Danny Fenton: [panics] Uh... I better get to school!

Ghost Translator: I better get to school. Fear me.

Ghost Tracker: [Jack Fenton holds his Ghost Tracker near Danny] Ghost directly ahead. You would have to be some sort of moron to not notice the ghost directly ahead.

Danny Fenton: [over cell phone] Are you okay? We can stop by later if you want us too.

Samantha "Sam" Manson: [home sick in bed] No, that's okay. I'll be fine. Bye.

[She hangs up, then glares at the doctor, nurse and ambulance attendent standing at her bedside]

Samantha "Sam" Manson: You guys, it's just a cold!

Ambulance Attendent: [shocking himself with the pads] Clear!

Danny Fenton: [in the ghost prison cafeteria, Danny looks at a table where all the ghosts he sent back into the Ghost Zone are sitting] Great, everyone who hates me is sitting on table, just like in high school.

Danny Fenton: [after a day of strange ghost-related events at school] I can explain.

[pause]

Danny Fenton: Actually, I really can't.

Tucker Foley: Wait, you guys kissed?

Danny Fenton, Samantha "Sam" Manson: No! It was a fake-out make-out!

Johnny 13: [after Danny punches him during a staged fight to convince Kitty he wants her back] I thought this was a pretend fight.

Danny Fenton: Then pretend that didn't hurt.

Tucker Foley: [as Sam's staring daggers at Danny and Paulina, who are now a couple] You okay?

Samantha "Sam" Manson: Of course I am! Why would I not be okay? LOOK how HAPPY he is!

[punches a hole in a locker]

Danny Fenton: [after being attacked by giant ghost scissors] I know I should be concerned, and I will be... right after the party.

Skulker: [to Danny] I planned on simply capturing you and letting you live the rest of your life in a cage, but now, I will rest your pelt at the foot of my bed.

Samantha "Sam" Manson: Okay, that's just gross.

Samantha "Sam" Manson: [while Tucker's using his PDA to goof around with Skulker's technology] Stop fooling around, Tucker!

Danny Fenton: Power him down, already! Now!

Tucker Foley: Relax. Everything's totally under

[Skulker destroys his PDA with an arrow]

Tucker Foley: control... Oh, man! I had four more payments on this one.

Danny Fenton: How is it that I have ghost powers, but YOU'RE the weird kid?

[Dark Danny has revealed his true form to Jazz]

Jazz Fenton: You're not Danny. That's why the Booo-Merang wasn't honing in on you're ecto-signature. You're not Danny!

Dark Danny: I was, but I outgrew him. The Danny you know is floating helplessly in the Ghost Zone ten years in the future.

Jazz Fenton: He'll escape! He'll beat you!

Dark Danny: How? Is the answer: A. the Fenton Portal? Destroyed it. B. the only remaining portal? The one that my idiot cheesehead archenemy has? As soon as I find it, that's going too.

Jazz Fenton: Cheesehead? Vlad Masters? *He's* your archenemy?

Dark Danny: [continues] Is it: C. you? No. You can't stop me from cheating on the C.A.T. and solidifying my future, so it must be D...

[blasts Jazz away with a plasma blast]

Dark Danny: None of the above.

[Jazz faints; Dark Danny takes the C.A.T. answers form and reads the answers. A smile lights up his face]

Dark Danny: Well, what do you know? The answer to the first question *is* "D"!

[evil laugh]

[Jazz is counseling with a punk named Spike]

Jazz Fenton: Spike, you need to open up to your parents. Be true to yourself *and* them. Just tell them how you feel. I mean, it's not like they're going to attack you or anything...

[she gets caught in a net, mistaken for a ghost]

Jack Fenton: We got her! And the Fenton Grappler is working like a charm!

Maddie Fenton: [looks at Jazz] I don't understand. If Jazz is a ghost, then why hasn't she phased through the net?

Jazz Fenton: [angrily] Because I am *not* a ghost!

[takes off the net]

Jazz Fenton: You've ambushed me, suffocated me with smoke, and worse, you pulled me away from Spike before he had his breakthrough! What do you have to say for yourselves?

[pause. Jack takes out the Fenton Thermos]

Jack Fenton: Eat hot Fenton Thermos, ghost gal!

[Thermos short-curcuits, and Jack shakes it]

Jack Fenton: Darn thing still doesn't work!

[Danny Phantom has accidentally destroyed the poem Ghost Writer has created]

Danny Phantom: Oops! Uh, Sorry, man, it was a total accident.

Ghost Writer: Oops?

[angrily]

Ghost Writer: Oops? Do you have any idea what you've done?

Danny Phantom: Well... not really, uh, hence the "accident" part.

Ghost Writer: You've destroyed my greatest work! And that was my only copy!

[Danny picks up a page of the book from the destroyed pieces and reads it]

Danny Phantom: The Fright Before Christmas? I destroyed a Christmas poem? Awesome!

Ghost Writer: What?

Danny Phantom: Dude, I am sick of Christmas! I came to the Ghost Zone to get away from it. I might not have meant to destroy your stupid book, but that doesn't mean I'm not okay with it.

[destroys the page from the book he was reading]

[Ghost Writer has trapped Danny Phantom inside a new poem, which begins its first lines]

Ghost Writer: On the day before Christmas, in Amity Park, / Almost all there were cheery, yet one soul was dark.

Danny Fenton: Hey, that voice? It's the ghost whose book I destroyed. /

[looks around]

Danny Fenton: Wait! I'm trapped in this poem? Now I'm really annoyed!

[Danny flies to the Jewish Manson home, hoping Sam won't put the blame on him for attacking Christmas]

Danny Fenton: [in joy] Sam!

Ghost Writer: Danny said.

Danny Fenton: [to Ghost Writer] Oh, for crying out loud!

Samantha "Sam" Manson: I know. Can't you see we're all under a cloud? / Every present we had, in the chimney up through it! / That might work for you, but that's not how we do it!

Ghost Writer: And Sam saw sad faces on Mom, Dad, and Granny, / So I typed on my keyboard that the blame was on Danny!

[Ghost Writer conrtols Sam by her anger]

Samantha "Sam" Manson: [angrily] You! You did this?

Danny Fenton: [shouts] Are you out of your mind?

Samantha "Sam" Manson: [shouts] You're the holiday scrooge! Do you think that I'm blind?

Ghost Writer: And Danny and Sam found themselves in a spat. / But before Dan could calm her, I soon realized that / A new threat was needed to cut through the noise; / And what better way than attack of the toys?

[Ghost Writer brings all the toys from each building to attack the town, then starts forming them together. Danny and Sam stop and go outside to look at this scenery; Danny turns into Danny Phantom to find out what's going on]

Ghost Writer: From all over the town, the toys started to merge! / I'm really quite weakened when I get the urge! / On this night before Christmas, a brand new attacker! / And now, face the wrath of my monster nutcracker!

[the controlled toys form a giant Nutcracker, which comes to life and attacks]

Danny Phantom: [surprised] Aw, nuts!

[he starts running away from the monster]

Ghost Writer: Danny cried, as he started to run. /

[pauses]

Ghost Writer: Must we end every scene with a terrible pun?

[the poem is closing with its last lines]

Danny Fenton: [narrating] And then I thought, maybe this is the moral. / In the same way my folks loved their old Christmas quarrel. / Everyone celebrates in the way of their choosing. / I was so busy whining, I started abusing / The ones I loved most and I ruined their cheer. /

[smiles]

Danny Fenton: I'll try to be better, come Christmas next year.

[thus ends the poem; Danny, Sam, Jazz and Tucker gather together at the last page which says "The End."]

Samantha "Sam" Manson: Um, nice sentiment, but what are you, a greeting card?

Tucker Foley: Yeah, why are you talking in rhyme?

Jazz Fenton: Such a dork.

Danny Fenton: [realizing] We're not talking in rhyme?

[starts getting jubliant]

Danny Fenton: We're not talking in rhyme!

[the book closes, and Ghost Writer is glad his new poem is finished. A cell mate inches close to him as he wants to look at the new book he has completed, but Ghost Writer turns away from him]

Walker: [greets him] Orange?

Ghost Writer: [scared] Aahh! Get that thing away from me!

Tucker Foley: [notices the haunted TV remote bought at Danny's garage sale is floating] I'm not schooled in the ways of the rich, but do all your remotes do that?

Samantha "Sam" Manson: No. Well, my toaster does, but it's from Denmark.

Samantha "Sam" Manson: [not realizing yet that Danny's under a love spell] Wait, I know that look. That's that same, longing, puppy-dog stare you give Paulina.

Danny Fenton: Who's Paulina?

Samantha "Sam" Manson: Well, that's a pleasant side effect.

Samantha "Sam" Manson: Sorry about that stupid fight. Can we forget it ever happened?

Danny Fenton: [quoting Desiree's catchphrase] So you wish it, so shall it be.

[they both blush]

Tucker Foley: Hey, I'm right here.

Paulina: Danny, you never said whether or not you were coming to my quincenera on Friday.

Danny Fenton: That's because when you invited me, I thought you were joking.

Youngblood: Ha! You said booty!

Danny Fenton: Not getting invited to a party is one thing, but not getting invited to a party at my own house?

Tucker Foley: Dude, you can't blame yourself for this. It's not your fault.

Danny Fenton: Maybe not. But it is my responsibility.

Danny Fenton: [to Tucker and Sam] Did you see the way all those ghost hunters were laughing at him? How embarrassing! We're gonna have to live with my dad's goof-ups for the rest of our lives!

[pause]

Danny Fenton: He's standing right behind me, isn't he?

Samantha "Sam" Manson: [to Danny] You don't feel that way about me and I don't feel that way about you.

Danny Fenton: So why are you still holding my hands?

Danny Fenton: [to Jazz] Will you stop talking about me like I'm not here?

[shouting to Youngblood]

Danny Fenton: And will you stop poking me?

Danny Fenton: Skulker and Technus? Together?

Tucker Foley: Is that an eww, or a yikes?

Danny Fenton: Definitely a yikes!

Box Lunch: I am Box Lunch! Daughter of The Box Ghost and The Lunch Lady!

Danny Fenton: Um, eww!

[Jazz is riding home in excitement, with Danny feeling disappointed]

Jazz Fenton: Wow! Isn't this great? We just caught three ghosts tonight!

Danny Fenton: No, actually, you've just caught one ghost, three times, all of them me!

[Danny, Sam, and Tucker are at Nasty Burger]

Danny Fenton: Ahhh, Nasty Burger, our safe haven. Away from the worries of...

[Jazz bursts through the door]

Jazz Fenton: Danny, run!

Danny Fenton: Run? Why should I...

[everyone stares at the door, and soon after Jack and Maddie come in here in 80's clothes, with Jack looking like Flavor Flav and Maddie looking like 80's Madonna]

Jack Fenton, Maddie Fenton: Dude!

[everyone in the Nasty Burger gasps and starts laughing; Jazz and Sam are hiding, embarrassed]

Jazz Fenton: If anyone asks, I'm related to you.

Samantha "Sam" Manson: Okay, but you're gonna have to be a lot less cheery.

[80's Jack and Maddie hug their son Danny tightly]

Danny Fenton: [to Jazz] If I pass out, I give you permission to not resuscitate me.

Vlad Masters: [about Sam and Tucker, infected with ecto-acne] They're running out of time, you know.

Danny Fenton: [suddenly smiling] Time? That gives me a great idea!

[scene shifts to Clockwork's tower]

Clockwork: No. That's a horrible idea. I'm the ghost of time, not the ghost of miracle cures.

[Danny returns to Jack's house after changing the past to find the house deserted]

Danny Fenton: Mom? Dad? Jazz? Anyone?

[he gasps as Jack runs in, his face covered in ecto-acne]

Jack Fenton: [shouts] Nobody trespasses on Jack Fenton's property!

Danny Fenton: Dad, relax!

Jack Fenton: [confused and sad] Dad? I don't have a son; I'm single! Bitterly, bitterly single.

Danny Fenton: You are?

[to himself]

Danny Fenton: Jeez, that explains... almost everything.

Jack Fenton: What?

Danny Fenton: Nothing!

[sees Jack's ecto-acne and points at it]

Danny Fenton: Uh, is that ecto-acne?

Jack Fenton: [angry] It's a condition... that you shouldn't know about!

[grabs Danny by the collar of his shirt]

Jack Fenton: [shouts] How do you know about ecto-acne? Talk!

Danny Fenton: I'm your son! I know all about the accident in Wisconsin... that shouldn't have happened.

Jack Fenton: [angry] Oh, it happened, all right!

[throws Danny onto the ground in anger]

Jack Fenton: And my life went straight down the flusher from that day on!

[turns into Jack Plasmius]

[Jack has turned into Jack Plasmius and starts attacking Danny]

Danny Fenton: [shouts] Wait, it's me, Danny, your son!

[dodges another shot fired by Jack]

Jack Plasmius: [shouts] Lies! I do not have a son! And even if I did, I certainly wouldn't name him Danny. That's dumb.

Danny Fenton: [angry] Okay, I don't want to do this in front of you, but... Going ghost!

[Danny turns into Danny Phantom, and Jack sees him, surprised but angry]

Jack Plasmius: You're a ghost? I hate ghosts!

[continues attacking Danny]

Jack Plasmius: And if it wasn't for ghosts, I wouldn't have lost the love of my life!

[knocks Danny into the basement]

[in the basement, Danny Phantom sees a newspaper article of Maddie's marriage to Vlad]

Danny Fenton: I didn't destroy the past... I destroyed the present!

[Jack and Maddie see Vlad, Sam, and Tucker's ecto-acne]

Maddie Fenton: There's only one place that treats ecto-acne!

Danny Fenton: [hpoing] Please say "hospital", please say "hospital".

[scene shifts to FentonWorks in quarantine]

Danny Fenton: [disappointed] Why didn't she just say "hospital"?

[Vlad attacks Jack Plasmius and ties Danny Phantom to the torture chamber]

Vlad Masters: I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave, molecule by molecule!

[Vlad terribly damages Jack Plasmius and the Ghost Portal with the device's ecto laser, and Maddie runs up to the fallen Jack Fenton]

Maddie Masters: Jack!

Jack Fenton: No... It's all right, Maddie... Just remember... what could have been...

[seemingly passes away, and Maddie goes to Vlad in revenge]

Maddie Masters: You despicable, lying piece of... cheese! I've wasted the best years of my life with you!

Vlad Masters: [in a fake tone of voice] Now, Maddie, I may be a lying piece of cheese, but I'm still your husband.

Maddie Masters: [grabs Vlad and lifts him up] Consider *this* an annulment!

[she throws Vlad into the Ghost Zone, where he sees ghosts]

Vlad Masters: Why, hello there. Did I ever tell you that I love ghosts?

[ghosts angrily surround Vlad, seemingly killing him]

[Vlad, Sam, and Tucker are cured of ecto-acne by the Ecto Purifier]

Vlad Masters: I knew you'd come through, Daniel. All it took was the proper motivation. Of course, I'm still weak beyond measure, so... bygones?

[Danny grins mischievously at him; the next scene shows Vlad Plasmius screaming as Danny Phantom knocks him into the air]

Danny Phantom: [casually] Bygones.

Freakshow: Au contraire. That's French for "I bet this hurts".

Mr. Slave: Oh, Jesus Christ.

[gay and straight protesters get a hearing from the Governor of South Park on gay marriage]

Governor: I believe that I might have come up with a compromise to this whole problem that will make everyone happy! People in the gay community want the same rights as married couples, but dissenters don't want the word "marriage" corrupted. So how about we let gay people get married, but call it something else?

[everyone listens quietly]

Governor: You homosexuals will have all the exact same rights as married couples, but, instead of referring to you as "married", you can be... butt buddies.

[long silence]

Governor: Instead of being "man and wife", you'll be... butt buddies. You won't be "betrothed", you'll be...

[makes quote with his fingers]

Governor: ... butt buddies. Get it? Instead of a "bride and groom", you'd be...

[makes quote with his fingers again]

Governor: ... butt buddies.

Mr. Slave: We wanna be treated equally!

Governor: You *are* equal. It's just that, instead of getting engaged, you would be... butt buddies. And everyone is happy!

Woman: [from the lesbian crowd] Well, what about lesbians?

Governor: Well, like anyone cares about fuckin' dykes!

[the crowd goes into an uproar]

Governor: [embarrassed] Oh, God, I was sure that would work.

Butters: [talking on a walkie-talkie] Just walk away! You can put a stop to all this! Just walk away and we will spare your lives! Just walk away!

Stan: Oh my god! They killed Kenny.

Kyle: [unenthusiastically] You bastard.

Garrison: You go to hell. You go to hell and you die.

Cartman: You so much as TOUCH kitty's ass, and I'll put a firecracker in your nutsack and blow your balls all over your pants.

Stan: Jesus, Cartman.

Cartman: Well, I'm just sayn', man, seriously, don't mess with kitty, man.

Cartman: I'm not fat, I'm big-boned.

Stan: No, Jay Leno's chin is big-boned. You are a big fat ass.

Cartman: I'm not fat, I'm festively plump.

Mr. Garrison: Stan, are you paying attention?

Stan: Yes, Mr. Garrison.

Mr. Garrison: Well then, Stanley, what did I just say?

Stan: [pause] Um, you said that even though Charo appeared 12 times on the Love Boat, the episode with Captain and Tennille got higher ratings.

Mr. Garrison: Well, okay, I suppose you were paying attention.

Kyle: [whispers] Good guess dude.

Stan: [whispers] Phew.

Butters: I don't want to do it if it hurts or if it makes you get all sticky.

Interviewer: So, are you guys as anti-Semitic as some might believe?

Matt Stone: You know, a lot of people have accused South Park of anti-Semitism, but I'm Jewish, and so I can say with some certainty that I am not anti-Semitic.

Trey Parker: I am, however.

Cartman: The rest of you go get the goods on Stan. His mom grounded him once for setting something on fire. Let's find out what that something was and then lie and say it was a puppy.

Kyle: All animals kill, and the animals that don't kill are stupid ones like cows and turtles and stuff.

Towelie: I'm so high man, I don't think I can take it.

Fat Abbot: Hey! Hey! Hey! What's goin' on Rudy?

Rudy: Man, Fat Abbot, you need to lose weight!

Fat Abbot: I lose weight when I feel like it, bitch! Shut your bitch-ass mouth, ho!

Rudy: Bitch, I'll kick yo' ass!

Fat Abbot: You think you slick, you punk ass blasphemous dope fiend bitch! I had my jimmy whacked 7 times last week, I'll bust a cap in your mother fuckin' ass.

Stan: [with a sigh, calmly] Oh, my God, we killed Kenny.

Kyle: [shouts] We killed Kenny?

Stan: Yup. We're bastards.

Stan: Oh my god. Jay Leno's chin killed Kenny.

Kyle: You bastard.

Jay Leno: Ah, who cares? He dies every episode.

Eric Cartman: Come on Kyle. Just because your mom is a bitch doesn't mean that we all have to suffer.

Eric Cartman: I got my period.

Priest Maxi: Boys, I haven't seen you in church lately.

Kyle: Well, I'm Jewish.

Priest Maxi: You're not too Jewish to worship Jesus, are you?

Kyle: I guess not.

[about Jews]

Priest: They crucified Our Lord and Savior. If you don't go to hell for crucifying Our Savior, then what the hell DO you go to hell for?

Cartman: Oh, this is a democratic boy band, is it?

Cartman: Well God, I guess you got me again, didn't you? Yeah, that was a good one, God. Hope it made you laugh, you sick bastard.

Mr. Garrison: Anyway, children, as I was saying, the Hare Krishna's are totally gay.

Timmy: TIMAH.

Mrs. Broflovski: WhatwhatWHAT?

Tweek: But what if I'm trying to put on the nose, the snowman comes alive and tries to kill me?

Stan: Tweek, when has that ever happened, except for that one time?

Cartman: Why don't we all sing, "Kyle's Mom is a Stupid Bitch" in D-minor?

Cartman: Naw dude, independent films are those black and white hippy movies. They're always about gay cowboys eating pudding.

[the boys are outside building a snowman]

Stan: I have a button we can use for his nose.

Kenny: [Mumbling]

Kyle: What would we use a marble-sack for?

Timmy: GOBBLES.

Eric Cartman: I'm not fat, I just haven't grown into my body yet you skinny bitch.

Mr. Garrison: Eric. If you call Wendy a bitch one more time I'm sending you to the principal's office.

[beat]

Eric Cartman: Bitch.

Mr. Garrison: That's it Eric, you...

Eric Cartman: I'm going.

Fat Abbott: Hey, hey, what's shakin' Rudy?

Rudy: Man, Fat Abbott. You need to lose weight.

Fat Abbott: I lose weight when I feel like it bitch. Shut your bitch ass mouth, ho.

Stan: Wow, cartoons are getting really dirty.

[repeated line]

Stan: Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here.

Stan: Guys, we have no choice. We're gonna have to move away. Environmental activists don't use logic or reason.

Stan: We're not getting on, you fat ugly bitch.

Mrs. Crabtree: [shouting] What did you say?

Stan: I said, "We're not getting on, you fat ugly bitch."

Mrs. Crabtree: Oh.

Kyle: Whoa, dude.

Stan: I always wondered if that would work.

Kenny: Mmmmf mmmf mmmmmf mmmmmmm mmmmf mmmmf mmmmmmmmf mmmf.

Stan: Totally, dude.

Kyle: Good point, man.

Cartman: Kenny's family is so poor, they had to put their cardboard box up for a second mortgage.

Mr. Slave: Oooh, Jesuth Christht.

Santa Claus: [after gunning down an Iraqi henchman] I couldn't do it. I couldn't let him live. He shocked Santa's balls.

Cartman: Don't worry, Tweek. Your family can go on welfare. Kenny's family's on welfare and they're happy, isn't that right, Kenny?

Kenny: [muffled] Fuck you.

Big Gay Al: Say, are you parents gonna stand around here all night? This meeting is for scouts only you silly gooses.

Mr. Garrison: Mr. Slave, did you finish taking attendance?

Mr. Slave: All done-sy wun-sy.

Satan: Saddam. But... I killed you.

Saddam Hussein: Well where was I supposed to go, Detroit?

Mr. Slave: Kids, let's keep it down for study group, or else Mr. Garrison is going to punish me.

Man #1: [after a crowd tramples Kenny] Oh my God, I found a penny.

Man #2: You bastard.

Cartman: ...my mom lied to me just like your parents lied to you and now where poor like Kenny's family

[Kenny walks over to comfort Cartman]

Cartman: Don't touch me Kenny.

Mark Costwold: And, papa, I know you have tried to keep your daughter away from anything sexual, but look at her now: she's a goddamn whore.

Cartman: Oh, look what I did with Kyle's money. I had it changed into singles so I could roll around in it like this. Oh, Kyle's money.

Newscaster Ned: If irony was made of strawberries, we'd all be drinking a lot of smoothies right now.

Mr. Slave: Oh. I never should have shoved all those poor animals up my ass.

Mr. Garrison: Don't lie, Stan. Lying makes you sterile.

Fat Abbot: Hey, hey, hey, what's goin' down, y'all?

Rudy: Man, Fat Abbot, what you doin' on this side of the hood?

Fat Abbot: You know something, Rudy, you're like school in summer time.

Rudy: School in summertime?

Fat Abbot: Yeah, bitch, school in summertime. Open up your fucking ears, you fucking ho or I'll pop your bitch ass.

Mushmouth: I'm-a pop-a you-a bitch-a ass-a too-ba, Bitch-a.

Kyle: We're guys, dude. We find something about all our friends to rip on. We made fun of you for being rich for the same reason we rip on Butters for being wimpy.

Stan: And we rip on Kyle for being a Jew.

Kyle: And Stan for being in love with Wendy. And Cartman for being fat. And Cartman for being stupid. And Cartman for having a whore for a mom. And Cartman for being a sadistic asshole.

Cartman: Hey. You did me already.

Mrs. Marsh: Hello, Mrs. Brovlowski, this is Stan's mom. I was wondering if you might know why my son is trying to split his head open with an ice pick.

Stan: Aaaah. I have to get it out.

Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: Yeah, I could use some goddamn poontang, myself, right now.

Cartman: OK, that's enough fat-ass jokes for this week.

Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: Everything is back to normal. I-I think... I think I can go back to trying to destroy the world again.

Mr. Garrison: Well, damn it, Eric, don't you have some smart-ass thing to say?

MTV announcer: You're watching MTV, the cool, brainwashing, 12-year-old-and-younger station that hides behind a slick image. We're so cool that we decide what's cool. And now MTV News. The News that is single-handedly dumbing-down our country, which is cool.

Kyle: Cartman, that's the dumbest thing you've ever said... this week.

Eric Cartman: Oh, the tears of unfathomable sadness! Yummy!

Mrs. Crabtree: Sit down or the bunny dies!

Mrs Crabtree: Hurry up! We're running late.

Stan: Ahh we're always running late, you fat hog.

Mrs Crabtree: What did you say?

Stan: I wish I could go to Prauge!

Mrs Crabtree: Yeah. Me too.

Mr. Garrison: You little turds, you ruined my life for the last time

Jimmy: Knock, knock.

Cartman: Who's there?

Jimmy: Interrupting cow.

Cartman: Interrupting cow wh...

Jimmy: [interrupting] Mooo!

[walking up to a crucified Cartman]

Officer Barbrady: T. T is for turtle.

Cartman: Butters, remind me to cut your balls off later.

Mr. Garrison: What do you think, Mr. Marsh? You ready to put a down payment on that baby?

Randy Marsh: Well yeah, but I just had one question about how it works. Well, it seems all the buttons on these front and rear flexi-grips are also found on the side of the vehicle.

Mr. Garrison: Yep.

Randy Marsh: So, they don't really do anything.

Mr. Garrison: Right.

Randy Marsh: So then, couldn't I just order one that works without going in and out of my ass and mouth?

Mr. Garrison: [pause] ... Well, I guess you could.

Customers: Huh? What's that? What'd he say?

Terrance: Hey Phillip, guess what?

Phillip: What?

Terrance: [Farts] Farrrrrrrrrrrrrrrt.

Phillip: [Terrance and Phillip are in Halloween costumes, and Terrance farts] That fart was absolutely GHOULISH Terrance.

Cartman: I have never in my life done anything just for the money! If I'm lying may the Lord strike me down right now!

Butters: Uh oh.

[He slowly backs away from Cartman in fear]

Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: [Butters is holding a Barbie doll] "Hey there, Butters, wanna slap my titties around?" Uh, no thanks, ma'am. I might get in trouble again.

[he puts the doll away and begins whistling]

KKK Leader: White power! White power!

Mr. Garrison: [as Mr. Hat] White power!

[as Mr. Garrison]

Mr. Garrison: Oh, I'm sorry, Chef, Mr. Hat is a racist son of a bitch.

[as Mr. Hat]

Mr. Garrison: Don't apologize for me to that spear chucker.

[as Mr. Garrison; gasps]

Mr. Garrison: Mr. Hat!

[runs]

Mr. Garrison: Aaah!

Chef: James Taylor, what the hell are you doing singing about prostitutes to these children? Get outta here!

Cartman: [as the Tooth Fairy] Do not open your eyes until morning. Or else I will kick you in the nuts!

Butters: Yes, ma'am!

Cartman: The wrong bus home and ended up in Rancho de Burritos Rojos, south of Castle Rock, and finally got a ride home with a man who was missing his left index finger, named Gary Bushwell, arriving home at 11:46.

Stan: Jimmy, will you go talk to Wendy for me?

Jimmy: F-F-for wh-what?

Stan: Just go talk to her, and be poetic. Tell her she's my muse. No, tell her... tell her... she's a continuing source of inspiration to me.

Jimmy: She's what?

Stan: She's a continuing source of inspiration to me.

Jimmy: Okay. Hey, W- Hey, Wendy.

Wendy: Yeah?

Jimmy: Stan says you're a cont... you're a cont... Stan says you're a cont- cont...

[sounds like "cunt"]

Wendy: Well, tell Stan to stop!

[walks away]

Jimmy: [continues] ... cont... You're a continuing source of inspiration to him.

Butters: This is just like Vietnam, huh fellas? Whoopee!

Cartman: Oh, Kyle, you just made a huge withdrawal at the First Bank of Lies.

[repeated line]

City Wok Owner: Welcome to Shitty Wok!

[meant as City Wok]

Stan Marsh: This is hopeless. We're just going to have to face that the commercialism has been sucked out of Christmas.

Eric Cartman: [Cartman tries to get invited to the girls' party]

[in a false girl's voice]

Eric Cartman: "Oooh, there's Cartman, we should invite him to the party for sure... "

[as himself]

Eric Cartman: Fuck you, May, fuck you, Annie, fuck you, BeBe, fuck you, whatever your name is, and fuck you, bitch!

Eric Cartman: [after Bebe gets boobs] Well, fuck you, Stan, fuck you, Kyle, and

[shouts]

Eric Cartman: fucky you, Kenny! Bebe, you're still cool!

Cartman: Fuck, fuckitty, fuck, fuck, fuck.

[repeated line]

Cartman: Butters, what the hell are you doing?


End file.
